Q: I’ve been wondering about gender binaries – specifically, I understand that we all have bits of male and female in each of us. That said, I wonder why some people feel they need to transition from male to female or female to male. Isn’t that reinforcing this fake gender binary of only “male” and “female”?
SEBASTIAN: Ah yes, this is a common question. And sometimes for people with less tact than you quite the accusation. I’ve had some friends and family, before I explained (which I will do in a second), very lovingly suggest that I didn’t need to transition because I could be a masculine female and some not so lovingly suggest that I was fucking everything up by saying I needed to be a man to be masculine.
First of all, I believe that masculinity and femininity have nothing to do with birth sex or even gender identity. I think butch women are just as much women as super feminine women, and I think there are women who are more masculine than most men. I think that what you mean when you say we all have bits of male and female in us, you mean that we all have traits that are traditionally associated with men and we all have traits that are traditionally associated with women and this is SO true.
People transition, however, not based on whether or not they are masculine or feminine, but based on whether or not they are male or female. My gender identity is as separate from my masculinity/femininity (which I’m going to refer to as gender expression) as it is from my assigned birth sex. Cisgender people whose gender identities do not differ from their assigned sex have likely not had to consider their gender identity and thus often are unaware of it / conflate it with gender expression.
For examples of how gender identity, assigned birth sex, and gender expression are very separate, just look to the femme trans men and the butch trans women. Femme trans men were assigned women and birth, are actually men, but are very feminine and present as such (I know some trans men that love doing drag – as in, drag queens). Butch trans women were assigned men at birth, are actually women, and are very masculine and present as such.
So me transitioning does not actually enforce the idea that only men can be masculine, because I didn’t transition because I was masculine (in fact, I was never butch).
ANNIKA: I’ve heard this argument before too. When I first came out, a boy I knew from high school asked me why I didn’t just be a “normal” gay man instead of transitioning. My response? Gender identity, gender expression, and sexual orientation are all different things. I am a girl, and my gender is at the core of how I see myself and my place in this world. The binary model is incredibly flawed and inaccurate, but gender is real. It’s innate and something that you just know you are (or aren’t), despite what society and others may tell you. And of course this means something different for each person. My presentation tends to be quite feminine (in that my mannerisms, speech, and the way I carry myself are behaviors typically associated with women) but there is still a fundamental difference between me and a feminine-presenting boy, for example. Growing up, this was all very confusing before I learned what the word “transgender” meant. Back then, my only exposure to feminine MAAB (male assigned at birth) people were gay men, so I often wondered if maybe I was one of them. But no matter how hard I thought about it, I never felt any connection to the gay men I read about or saw on TV. I wasn’t comfortable expressing my femininity while presenting as a boy. And the reason is simple: gender. I am not a man.
I also don’t think gender is a as simple as a linear “spectrum” with two discreet points of “masculine” or “feminine” on either end. It’s way more complicated than that. I prefer Dylan Vade’s (one of the founders of the Transgender Law Center) “gender galaxy” model, which allows for any number of identities and expressions- some overlapping and others completely separate. Additionally, I don’t view myself as having “transitioned from male to female.” Don’t let the “M” on my birth certificate fool you- I was never male. Since I am and have always been a girl, I view transition more as an alignment of my body, presentation, and social role in a way that affirms my true gender identity. This is a difficult concept for a cis person to understand at first, especially if they have never had to spend much time exploring or questioning what their own gender means to them.
Q: What is your opinion on going “stealth”?
SEBASTIAN: I think it makes a lot sense for some people. For various reasons. Some people’s identities are so separate from their trans experience or history that it doesn’t make sense for that part of their past to be a part of their daily identity, so they live “stealth.” In a lot of places and situations, it is safer to be seen as cisgender, so people choose not to disclose.
Many of us live partially stealth anyway. I don’t introduce myself as trans and for the most part, my friends know that it is not their place to disclose my trans status. I have been in workplace situations outside of my community where no one knew I was trans and I made an effort to keep it that way. I’ve lied about what school I went to so that I could maintain a stealth workplace persona. Not because I didn’t feel safe, but because I didn’t want people to not see me as male when they found out I was transgender. I didn’t want them searching my body for indicators that I had been born “different.” I simply wanted them to see me in terms of who I am today not who I was “before.” And unfortunately, ignorance about trans issues (which also breeds insatiable curiosity) means that disclosing trans status can be a forfeiture of your ability to live in your true gender role. It’s not analogous to someone with a queer sexuality coming out (which is a liberation of sorts). There’s a great piece about this at the Bilerico project that I often direct people to [http://www.bilerico.com/2010/11/disclosing_trans_status.php].
And the bottom line is that I support people with trans experiences and trans histories. I support their gender identities and how they live out those identities. Even if I didn’t understand living stealth (which I absolutely do), I’d support someone’s right to.
ANNIKA: I think it’s a personal choice (as well as a privilege that not everyone has). Some people view their trans* history as a strictly medical issue with no impact on their identities and how they view themselves. I certainly don’t have a problem with it- and there are cases when it is absolutely a safety issue. There’s no denying that there are times when it’s easier to be seen as cisgender- like at airports and when using public restrooms.
I’m in a similar situation to Sebastian when it comes to disclosing my trans* status. I’m obviously very open about my story online, and while most of my friends and coworkers know about my history, the majority of the people I interact with on a day-to-day basis have no idea. And to be honest, I like it that way. There’s so much more to who I am than the fact that I was assigned male at birth. It’s nice to not have new acquaintances immediately make assumptions about me (which they would do if I introduced myself as a trans person). Sometimes I want to just to enjoy being a 24 year old girl without having to give a Trans* 101 lecture on a daily basis. I’m not ashamed of being trans, but I definitely like having control over who I choose to come out to. So I can totally understand why someone would want to live “stealth” on a more permanent basis.
Having said that, there are incredible benefits to not being closeted. Our community is so small and so marginalized that every trans* who chooses to speak up becomes an activist for the cause of equality. There’s no way we’ll be able to effect real political change by remaining silent about who we are. Just look at how far trans* rights have come in the last decade alone- a lot of this is due to increased awareness of trans* issues, thanks in part by more trans* people making their voices heard. Lastly, there is no better feeling than learning that your decision to share your story has helped improve the lives of others. I’ve gotten so many messages from other trans girls thanking me for giving them motivation to be true to themselves. But perhaps the most touching response I’ve received was from girl I went to college with, who showed my blog to her mother, who, as it turns out, has a cousin who transitioned over 30 years ago. Reading the blog inspired her to reach out to her cousin, who has been disowned by everyone in her family. Stories like this remind me that I made the right decision not to live completely “stealth.”
