Q: Do you ever struggle with internalized transphobia? If so, how do you deal with it?
SEBASTIAN: No I don’t think I have, if by internalized transphobia you mean have I ever hated myself for being transgender. I have never even really wished I was born a cisgender male. I think I’ve avoided this (really common, even if only with occasional frequency) sentiment by thinking about all the good stuff that comes with being trans. Being transgender, having a transgender experience, having the experience of living as a woman for 21 years has given me experiences, insight, and characteristics that I would not have had had I been born with a Y chromosome. I don’t think I talk about this enough, but being transgender is something I truly love about myself. I don’t think it is a huge part of who I am and I make a lot of effort to differentiate between that part of my identity and my gender identity (which is male, straight-up), so I don’t talk about it much, but I think I personally celebrate being trans every day in my head.
And when I get frustrated about some of the more difficult realities of being transgender (i.e. straight women expecting penises upon sexual encounters), I locate the source of the issue (typically the cissexism and ignorance of society) and direct my frustration – and sometimes hate – toward that.
ANNIKA: I do sometimes, yeah. Maybe it’s because I’m still at a relatively early point in my transition, but it’s easy for me to feel discouraged and wish that I had been born a cis female so I wouldn’t have deal with the more unpleasant elements of being trans (like electrolysis). Being femme, I also sometimes struggle with feelings of inadequacy when comparing myself to the air-brushed models in the advertisements I’m exposed to every day. And I know that plenty of cis women have issues with this too- but I feel that beauty culture effects trans women even more, because it tells us that anything remotely masculine about our bodies is ugly and undesirable. When out with a group of cis girls, I’ll sometimes catch myself feeling envious of some intangible femininity that they have and I don’t (even when this jealousy is completely irrational.) I don’t hate myself for being trans by any means- but I do need to be aware of how internalized transphobia may be influencing my thought processes. I think this is partly rooted in my being so ashamed of myself growing up, and the coping mechanisms I used- I would often imagine how foolish some of my guy friends would look in drag and use that as justification for me staying in the closet and not transitioning.
Q: My partner is struggling with her gender identity and experiences a lot of body dysmorphia. How can I help her through this confusing struggle other than just being supportive of her decisions and respecting her body and identities as they either change or remain the same?
SEBASTIAN: Okay first of all, you are already doing so much by outwardly being supportive not only of your partner’s gender identity and confusion, but also by being supportive of the fact that it might change (and that other changes might come with that). I came out when I was living alone in a city where I only knew one person and for the first time in a while was single. There are so many pressures in our lives that keep us from really thinking about our gender or what we actually need to do to be sane/happy – and partners can be a major part of that. We want their love and their desire and we often interpret (sometimes accurately and sometimes inaccurately) this love and desire as being contingent upon us staying the same. This is not just true of gender – we often play the person we think our partner wants us to be. So by being vocal about how little your partner’s gender identity and physical sex characteristics have to do with your love and attraction for them, you are giving her so much more room than we usually have in relationships.
Second, right now this struggle is really her own. Encourage her to seek a therapist who can offer a slightly more guided and authoritative exploration of her gender identity and needs. There is not a whole lot you can do – and to some extent, you being involved in the exploration/figuring out bit can cause stress, because of the reasons I already discussed (even if you are being as open as possible – who knows how she may be reading it, etc., etc.). And you don’t want to unknowingly add any pressure to the exploration process…
Third, body dysphoria (which is probably what you meant instead of dysmorphia) is the feeling we have when our body is at complete odds with our internal image of ourselves, whereas dysmorphia is a mental issue of seeing your body as something it isn’t– like skinny girls who think they are overweight… though certainly some trans people struggle with both issues. I am often at a loss of how to explain how awful dysphoria feels to cisgender people. And it is by far the thing partners say they struggle with the most. The person they care for is hurting, very seriously and very apparently, and they are mostly helpless.
It’s a period of extremely low self-confidence for your partner. Find ways to boost that, even if it is not related to her gender identity/expression or body. Once she has figured out what her gender identity means to her and has an idea of what she likes and dislikes about her body, be very affirming. The biggest thing that combated my gender dysphoria, was knowing that my partner at the time saw me as male. She called me her boyfriend whenever she could, I think. And often talked about how handsome I was. Would point out that my arms were bigger (even if they weren’t). Et cetera.
ANNIKA: Let me just repeat how wonderful you are for being there for your partner during what is undoubtedly a difficult time for her. I recently read that nearly half of all relationships in which a partner transitions survive, which I think speaks to the fact that true love and attraction transcend gender and physicality. In my case, my girlfriend (who I had been dating for nearly 3 years before coming out) has been instrumental through every step of my transition. Before starting hormones and presenting as female full time, she would go our of her way to affirm my gender identity, which really helped ease the body dysphoria that I was experiencing. Now she’s there to shoot down any irrational thought or fear that I may have (“Shut the fuck up! You don’t look like a man today! You never look like a man.”)
That being said, the big decisions related to transitioning (when to start HRT, which medications to take, when and how to come out at work at to my family, etc.) were ultimately things I had to do on my own. The same is likely true for your partner. So continue to be supportive, flexible, encouraging, and affirming but be sure to giver her space when she needs it. And be patient! There will no doubt be some bumps in your relationship along the way, but reducing the dysphoria that your partner is currently struggling with can only bring the two of you closer together.
Q: A few months ago when I was high once I just had this strong feeling that I was a guy. I’d never really wondered before whether I was transgender, but since then, my feeling (when not high) is more that I’m rather genderqueer and/or butch… but it’s made me question. Was there a specific moment when you realized or first knew you were trans?
SEBASTIAN: We all experience our gender differently, and our identities definitely evolve. Some trans* people knew all along, some didn’t even consider it until later in life… there’s a lot of variation in how and when people knew and what they do about it. My story of “when I knew” is actually the topic of one of my first pieces for Autostraddle.
As a former smoker of da tree (look I’m cool cause I know how to talk about drugs), I will say that I’d be wary of trusting too much an isolated feeling that occurred when stoned. Gender identity is pretty constant and if you’ve been exploring it not stoned and still not feeling really attached to a male identity, I’d trust that instinct more. But definitely – explore! Love your butchness, love your genderqueerness, and if it turns out – love your maleness. The thing about transitioning is that it is tough. And is sort of a last resort – this is what I NEED to do. Figuring out your identity and gender and how it all works together and how important it is to you is vital for everyone, even those with cisgender identities, but an actual transition is something you do when you absolutely need to. I hope this isn’t coming off as trivializing, because it absolutely isn’t intended that way… just cautionary I suppose.
ANNIKA: I’m a big advocate of the medicinal benefits of cannabis (I live in California after all!), but I’d be wary of putting too much stock into a revelation you had when you were stoned- especially about something as important as your gender identity. Being high is kind of like dreaming- there may be some deeper meaning to what you’re experiences, but it could also me complete nonsense. It’s best to work these things out while sober. But it sounds like you’ve been thinking about this for a while, so you should totally explore your genderqueer/butch side and see where that leads you! Maybe try binding and see how that makes you feel. Discuss what you’re going through with your queer friends and a therapist. Have fun with it!
As for me- I can’t point to one specific incident and say “That’s when I knew I was trans.” The feelings were just always there, even when I lacked the vocabulary to express what they meant. The environment you’re in is also a huge factor. My parent raised me with very rigid notions of appropriate masculine and feminine behavior, and it wasn’t until after I graduated from college and moved to San Francisco that I felt comfortable enough to start exploring and expressing who I truly was.
