Welcome to the seventh episode of American Horror Story, featuring an award-winning musical score by Hans Zimmer. I’m sorry, that’s not Hans Zimmer; it’s two goblins humping on a Casio keyboard. My mistake.

This week’s vocab word is: saxify, aka when the show uses a saxophone riff to punctuate a sex scene. I assume this amps up the sex appeal for some people, but for me it’s just the sound that dries my vagina. It’s like Tucson down there, you guys. Did I mention that I hate jazz?

We open in a tattoo parlor flashback, where Kyle is alive and well and singing Toto at the top of his lungs. I like him better when he can only make guttural noises and break radios. He’s with his rapey frat bros, who are all getting stupid tattoos.

Kyle refuses to get one because his mom would flip, then a frat bro makes a joke about banging his mom. This is AWKward because Kyle is actually nonconsensually being banged by his own mom.

Kyle tells his bros that he has big plans to become an engineer and build stronger levees, and apparently engineers can’t have tattoos, which is ridiculous because engineers have tats, scientists have tats, and Angelina Jolie has tats so argument invalid.

Another bro is getting a four-leaf clover tattoo, and we zoom in on the tattoo to present day, where poor FrankenKyle is staring at the tattoo on his grab bag of a body. Like most college spring breakers, he’s covered in tattoos he never wanted.

While FrankenKyle wails with regret, Zoe grabs Madison’s baby handgun and gets ready to put FrankenKyle out to pasture.

We then head over to Miss Robichaux’s Secretarial School (was Mavis Beacon a witch? YES) to find the newly revived Madison in a post-death malaise. This involves wearing ball gowns, smoking, taking Fiona’s pills, raiding the liquor cabinet, and eating everything in the fridge.

Basically, it’s Emma Roberts doing her version of this scene from Wet Hot American Summer:

Madison talks about how, as a millennial, she’s prone to numbness and indifference, which means she’s never been on Tumblr. She remarks that she was gang raped and then back in class two days later, which is a lie. Not the rape, obvs, but there are no classes at this school.

Basically, now that she’s alive again, Madison feels deader than ever. She just wants to feel something, even if it’s painful.

Madison feels like she’s going batshit, but she’s not. She’s just living Buffy’s emotional arc from Season Six.

Meanwhile, back in the potions room, Zoe is getting ready to put down FrankenKyle. Never mind that she revived him, rebuilt him with rape limbs, forced him to relive childhood trauma and exposed him to the complete works of Fleetwood Mac. NOW she’s done with him.

FrankenKyle is ready to die, so he grabs the tiny handgun and tries to shoot himself. But Zoe wrestles the gun away from him; she’s not ready to let him go. Jesus Zoe, make up your mind!

In the kitchen, Queenie is pissed that Madison ate all the food/drank all the booze/lit all the candelabras. Delphine, in flannel jammies, tries to find food, but they are all out.

To curb their munchies, Queenie and Delphine drive through Ted’s Frostop, home of the greasiest burgers in NOLA. Delphine is convinced the squawk box is the devil, because time travelers confounded by modern technology are always hilarious.

I genuinely love these two together, and I wish there was a road trip spin-off movie where Queenie and Delphine go to Dollywood or something and hijinks ensue.

While nomming in the car, Queenie laments that the other witches will never accept her because she is fat. Delphine assures her that’s not the case; it’s because she’s black. Queenie seriously thinks about this, but CONSIDER THE SOURCE, QUEENIE! The racist, racist source.

---

Back at Miss Robichaux’s School for Ignoring the Blind (teachers), Cordelia answers the phone in the middle of the night.

It’s Hank drunk dialing her. He says he misses her and wants to come home, but Cordelia is like NOPE. We see that Hank is surrounded by guns, which surely bodes well for the future.

Cordelia stumbles into the hallway, looking for Delphine or Spalding or Patti LuPone…anyone, really. Maybe a seeing-eye minotaur? Before Cordelia magoos her way down the stairs, Madison saves her.

But once Madison touches her, Cordelia is flooded with images of Fiona slitting her throat. And she is pissed off about it.

---

Meanwhile, Fiona is sharing a drink with the Axeman at his apartment. He puts on some jazz and tries to seduce Fiona. He talks about how, as a struggling musician, he never got any respect.

He says he’s a backdoor man, never invited to stay the night. Wait a minute, are they talking about butt sex? I’m pretty sure they’re talking about butt sex. To prove my point, I found an old music video starring Axeman.

Axeman is all over Fiona, and she excuses herself from his creepy intensity to freshen up. She finds roaches in the sink, a dead guy in the shower, and more hair falling out.

Fiona gets ready to call it a night, but Axeman won’t let her go. Obviously he doesn’t think consent is sexy.

Fiona plays the whole “you don’t want me, I’m trouble” card, which in her case is very true. Axeman plays the “okay, what if it’s just sex?” card, and then proceeds to talk saxy with her. There’s mentions of fingering, and blowing notes, and his instrument, and it’s Grosstown USA.

Fiona is into it, and their sex scene is intercut with him wailing on the sax. I’m all for a Jessica Lange sex scene on this show, but these jazz puns are really killing my boner. Excuse me, my snare drum. My triangle. My vaginally-shaped instrument.

---

Meanwhile, back at Miss Robichaux’s Foster Home for Terrible Ideas, Zoe is hiding FrankenKyle in her bedroom and trying to teach him English with flashcards.

I love that Zoe has six flashcards. One is “food” and the other is “hamburger.” FrankenKyle is in no fucking mood and hulk-smashes his bowl. Madison swans in with no fucks to give and a pair of amazing boots.

Zoe introduces Madison to FrankenKyle, who legitimately forgot about the time she and Zoe resurrected this dead guy. Madison tells Zoe that Cordelia needs to talk to her. In the meantime, she’ll watch FrankenKyle. Yeah, this will go just fine.

Madison inspects his scars and seems once again unfazed that HE’S MADE OF HER RAPISTS. They have some undead bonding time, which I think is gonna turn into some undead boning time.

---

Across town at the beauty shop, Marie is buying some fish heads when Queenie walks in. Marie knows who she is of course, and sets about recruiting her to the voodoo side of the witch war. Marie tells Queenie she’s being mistreated, as they don’t even have gumbo at Miss Robichaux’s.

Marie tells Queenie that she’ll never be treated as an equal at that school, what with all the Wonderbread and the resurrected racist maids. Queenie assures her that Delphine is her slave/BFF so it’s cool, but Marie offers her a deal. If Queenie wants to live with Marie’s crew, she has to deliver Delphine.

---

Cordelia and Zoe sit down for some tea. Cordelia is serving, and I was really hoping they’d do a re-enactment of this scene from Young Frankenstein:

Cordelia is impressed with Zoe’s power, but warns her that she’s got a target on her back. If Fiona even thinks Zoe is the rising Supreme, she’s going to kill her, just like she killed Madison.

Cordelia tells Zoe that they are going to kill Fiona once and for all, which on this show means 20 or 30 times. A shell-shocked Zoe goes back up to her room, only to find FrankenKyle and Madison furiously boning. Jeez guys, she was gone for like, five minutes. Zoe just closes the door and walks away.

---

Back at Chez Axeman, a post-coital Fiona and Axeman are getting a cuddle on. Axeman is certain that he banged Fiona so good she’ll never leave, but Fiona already has one foot out the door.

Axeman tells her she’s afraid of her own pleasure, which is A) gross and B) condescending. Settle down Axeman, she’s blown a sax or two before, mmmkay?

Now here’s where it gets really disturbing (which was the original title of this show). Turns out that Axeman has been obsessed with Fiona since she was a child. He’s been haunting Miss Robichaux’s for decades, and he looked after Fiona when she was a kid.

We see a flashback of Baby Fiona being bullied, and Ghost Axeman protecting her. This is officially the worst, you guys.

It’s like the end of Jane Austen’s Emma, where (spoiler alert for a 200 year old novel) Emma’s fiancée Knightley is all “I held you as a baby and now you’re my wife” and we all threw up in our bonnets, remember? It’s like that, but with more murder.

Of course, Baby Fiona grows into Young Fiona and Axeman’s fatherly feelings become bonerly feelings and we all throw up in our saxophones.

So now that he’s free, Axeman just wants to love and care for Fiona. Fiona is appalled/aroused, and demands he go haunt someone else and storms out of there.

---

Back at Miss Robichaux’s Doll Emporium, Spalding is asleep in a kimono because why not. He wakes up, only to realize that Zoe has tied him to the bed. Furthermore, he has his tongue back and he can speak!

Turns out that Zoe found Spalding’s tongue in the secret witch cubby, and magicked it back into his mouth. Turns out Myrtle enchanted his tongue, which is why it’s stayed fresh all these years. Zoe demands to know who killed Madison (Cordelia just told you, dummy!) and Spalding is forced to tell the truth and rat out Fiona.

Zoe has heard enough, and stabs Spalding in the chest. Like a hundred dolls just became orphans, you guys. RIP Spalding.

---

In the kitchen, Delphine is slicing a ham in the middle of the night. Respect.

Queenie finds her and asks what the worst thing she ever did was. Delphine does not want to scare off her new BFF.

She says the past is the past, but Queenie convinces her that best friends share everything.

We then flashback to old timey NOLA, where Delphine is being served dinner by her maid Sally. Sally just gave birth to a baby, and from the way Mr. Delphine is groping her, I think we know who the daddy is.

Delphine asks Sally to come to her room later that night. UhOh Spaghettios.

Later that night, Sally is helping Delphine get ready for bed.

Delphine shows her the latest beauty treatment she’s concocted: it’s blood. Baby blood. Sally’s baby’s blood. All over Delphine’s face. Old timey Delphine really was the grurst. The next morning, Sally killed herself.

Delphine tries to convince her it was a different time, as if there was a period of American history where infanticide was the norm.

Delphine tries to patch up their friendship, but I think we can all agree that ship has sailed. Also, let’s take another moment to talk about how good Kathy Bates is on this show.

Elsewhere at Miss Robichaux’s Halfway House for Drunk Witches, Fiona takes some pills, drinks some booze, and decides to buzz off her hair once and for all.

Before she can start, the soothing sounds of jazz float in. UGH FUCK THIS JAZZY SHIT.

---

Zoe is in the shower washing off Spalding’s blood. Madison opens the shower curtain to confront her about FrankenKyle.

She wants Zoe to be mad that she banged her undead boyfriend, but Zoe is in no mood.

Madison refuses to give him up, because banging FrankenKyle is the closest she gets to feeling something… but she’s willing to share. Zoe assumes they’ll take turns, but Madison is like, zombie threeway all the way. And they proceed to have a zombie threeway. Cue that sexy sax!

---

Axeman finishes his set and goes offstage to find Fiona waiting for him.

---

Meanwhile, Queenie has convinced Delphine that they’re getting her hair done, despite it being like, 2am. Delphine is wearing a bedazzled LSU tigers sweater and I need it in my life.

Of course it’s not a makeover, it’s a trap for Delphine. Marie and all her witches descend on Delphine and lock her in a cage.

Queenie goes to stab Delphine and Marie uses her immortal blood as a face mask. Jesus people, what is it with y’all and blood facials? Just get some Apricot St. Ives and call it a fucking day!

IN TWO WEEKS: Delphine in a cage! Witches in matching robes! Myrtle’s back!