Welcome to the eighth episode of American Horror Story, which made me laugh so hard I died and had to be resurrected by Misty Day multiple times, thus greatly lowering the stakes of my personal narrative.
This week’s vocab word is: blurge, a combination of “blerg” and “purge”. This episode is ALL about purging, y’all. It is also all about vagina jokes and hats aka my wheelhouse. This might be my favorite episode so far.
We open in the grim underbelly of New Orleans highway overpasses. Queenie is wandering around the underpass, where she passes rats, hobos, meth camps, and Adam from Girls.
Is that Lena Dunham?
A creepy hobo approaches her with a hammer and an exposed penis, ready to rape it up. Why is everyone so quick to rape on this show? It’s like, their go-to action. Which is bullshit, because we all know the go-to action of all New Orlineans is punching people in the neck for the good Mardi Gras beads. We have some class, gosh!
Would you like to donate some money to the Salvation Army?
I’d like to donate this two-by-four to your face!
Luckily, Queenie finds the oldest weapon known to man, a wooden two-by-four with some nails sticking out. She stabs herself in the hand, causing the creepy hobo to bleed, and then whacks him with the stick.
While Queenie beats the shit out of this guy, Madison and Zoe show up like they’re the wonder twins or something. If you are wondering whether they’ll be addressing the zombie threesome they had in the last episode and any lingering ramifications it might have, don’t worry, they won’t!
Look, we’re sorry we didn’t invite you to threeway, but you were at Rally’s with the racist maid
I would like to point out that Madison is wearing a sequined beret in this scene. These girls love their hats.
We’re here to stop you—ohh, just realized the butt plug is still in
They ask Queenie why she’s murdering the hobo, and Queenie says it’s a voodoo thing and they wouldn’t understand. They try to get her back to the coven, but she tells them to fuck off, she’s sitting at Marie Laveau’s table in the cafeteria now.
Just realized she left the butt plug inside Madison
Madison is all, boo fucking hoo, I was gang-raped, got my throat slit by Fiona, and had to attend dead tea parties with Spalding and you don’t see me complaining. Girl has a point.
Zoe rightfully says that the coven is a shit show, but they’ve got big plans. A new Supreme is rising, their powers are aligning, and they might be getting a pool in the backyard.
There will be relay swims and Marco Polo and you won’t be invited!!
Queenie then guts the hobo like a catfish and pulls out his still beating heart. Apparently Marie needs a dark heart (racist?) for a voodoo ritual to charge up Queenie’s powers.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, and the very next day I ripped it out of a hobo
Madison and Zoe look all horrified and above harvesting hobo hearts, which is ridiculous because they regularly stitch rapists into duvet covers and sell them on Etsy. White girls, am I right?
We then hop on our broomsticks and wiggle our noses and fly over to Miss Robichaux’s Hospital for the Magically Infirm, where Fiona is puking from her chemo treatments. This is terrible and all, but she’s eating a soft-boiled egg. Hmm. Maybe stick to crackers is all I’m saying.
Who brought her breakfast in bed? All the servants are dead or in cages
Fiona is having a really rough time with the treatments, but she’s more upset about the way she looks than the actual dying. She says she’s looking less like Samantha and more like Endora, which, LOL Bewitched jokes!
Just watched the last season of Glee
She tells Cordelia she’s dying, and Cordelia hopes she’ll die before Thanksgiving because her stuffing tastes like ass. This isn’t a joke, she actually says this. Blind Cordelia has so much moxie.
Luckily, she still has Axeman, and creepy obsessive love is the best medicine. Also, Fiona is still smoking like a chimney, which is not the best idea. Axeman wants them to run away to Europe and enjoy her last month paddling boats on the Seine, stealing the crown jewels from London, and smoking all the hash in Marrakesh.
Do we always have to bang to the Miles Davis Pandora station?
Fiona declines, as she would rather stay in New Orleans and stick it to all the haters. And she also wants to find the new Supreme and kill her. Business as usual.
Also, oysters are coming into season, soooo….
Hey, remember Shirtless Luke and his creepy mother Patti LuPone? Well, they’re on payroll this week, so we get to see Patti cleaning his wounds from that Halloween zombie attack that happened two days/five weeks/four score and seven years ago. I am so lost on the timeline of this show.
Tell me the truth! Did that girl take your precious flower?
Patti tells Luke he’s been tainted, not just with zombie juice, but with the Devil. And that guy is harder to remove than red wine stains. Before Jesus will let Shirtless on the rapture bus, he has to be cleaned of his impurities.
Sidebar, throughout this scene Luke has been calling Patti “mother.” Is there anything more off-putting than a grown man calling his mom mother to her face? Creepy. Almost as creepy as creepy as grown women calling their fathers “daddy.” Blurge!
Patti then forces her son to have an enema. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK, SHOW?!
Jesus wept… at the sorry state of your bowels
I feel like this season’s theme, aside from witches, is horribly abusive and invasive mothers. These moms make Joan Crawford look like Carol Brady.
But if God created us in His image, then doesn’t that apply to my poops?
Meanwhile, back at Miss Robichaux’s Rehab Center for Hat Addiction, Cordelia has summoned Madison, Zoe and Nan for a meeting. She’s sorry they’ve lost Queenie, but she’s dead to them now. Blind Cordelia is cold blooded!
Queenie is dead to us…until Misty Day resurrects her, like everyone else
Cordelia has gathered them to plan Fiona’s murder, which needs to go flawlessly. Because if not… she’ll just die naturally from cancer? What’s the rush? The doorbell rings, and Cordelia wonders where all the staff is. Zoe, in no rush to tell Cordelia she murdered Spalding, goes to answer the door. Who’s at the door?!?
It’s Misty Day! She is barefoot and scared, because some douche came to her swamp shack and tried to shoot her up.
I can’t believe you had a zombie threeway without me! I thought we were friends!
Luckily, resurrected Myrtle got stepped on by the killer and was able to warn her just in time and they hid in the swamp.
Dreaming of Zoe…
Is there room for one more?
Grab that piece of charcoal you call a vagina and get in here!
Cordelia touches Misty and sees a really cool morph of her burn and resurrection.
Swamp mud, by L’Oreal!
It’s kind of like this:
Look, it’s baby Tyra!
Cordelia recognizes Misty and offers her asylum in the coven.
Even blind, I can tell you’re smoking hot. Wanna bunk with me?
Misty asks if her friend can stay too, and Cordelia is delighted to find Myrtle alive in the green house. Myrtle is happy to see her, but the first thing out of her mouth is a blind dig. She calls Cordelia blind as a butter knife… really, Myrtle? First off, that’s not even a phrase. Second, why is everyone on this show making blind jokes at Cordelia’s expense? That’s recapper turf!
Nan photobomb!
Nan asks Myrtle how her hair grew back so quickly, and Myrtle tells her she’s been buying in bulk from North Korea for years. Wait, what? Let’s map this shit out:
Imagined conversation between Misty and Myrtle on the way to Miss Robichaux’s:
MISTY: OMG Myrtle, someone just tried to shotgun our asses!
MYRTLE: Indeed my dear, it seems that witches are an endangered species. We must seek shelter somewhere safe.
MISTY: I know! We’ll go to that crazy witch school, it’s safer than my shot-up shack, only 50 people have died there!
MYRTLE: Ah yes, I know it well. But first we must stop at my hotel room, so that I can pick up my bulk bag of fried hair shipped directly from North Korea.
MISTY: Wait, you’ve been importing hair from Kim Jong-Un? Isn’t that illegal?
MYRTLE: Not for us witches, we do not abide by these mortal trade laws.
MISTY: Look, I know all about trade embargoes. I watched Star Wars Episodes 1-3. But that sounds really expensive, especially for long frizzy pubic hair.
MYRTLE: But my child, it is how I derive my witchly powers.
END SCENE.
Cordelia tells Myrtle the coven has fallen on hard times, as if she wasn’t just burnt at the stake by said coven, Myrtle responds that maybe it’s the best of times. Whatever you say, Crepe Paper Charles Dickens! Myrtle announces that Misty is obviously the new Supreme, but not everyone looks so sure.
Of course she’s the new Supreme, look at that angelic glow!
Hair and make-up by a choir of angels
Meanwhile, Zoe gives FrankenKyle a Reader Rabbit in the hopes that he’ll learn to communicate.
I told you, only when Madison is here!
Madison comes in, kisses FrankenKyle, and suggests they give him porn instead. Zoe wants to better FrankenKyle however, and reintegrate him into society, where he will definitely not be reviled and chased with pitchforks into the Mississippi river. They agree he needs something to do while they’re killing Fiona, so they plug in his Lady Gaga headphones and leave him with the laptop. Hope that thing has parental controls.
FrankenKyle is a Little Monster too!
Back in the parlor, Myrtle is outfitting everyone with musty old red robes and black lacey hats, because matching outfits are the best part of any ritual. She says that moth balls and history are a cocktail she swoons for, because apparently Myrtle has been reincarnated as a Tenessee Williams character.
Had 37 gentlemen callers that summer on Blue Mountain
The coven is about to perform a ritual (witchual?) called the Sacred Taking, wherein they convince the aging Supreme to kill herself to make way for the rising Supreme. It’s only been done three times before, all of which were done in black and white apparently.
Do these sacrificial robes make my ass look fat?
Your ass looks pretty good to me!
Zoe is bummed that she’s not the next Supreme, which Madison notices. Nan is annoyed that no one ever considered her for the next Supreme, while Myrtle is like, obvs it’s Misty, she’s resurrected more people than Jesus. She actually says this.
Madison! No flirting outside the triad!
Myrtle tells them that being a Supreme isn’t all sexy times and parlor tricks. It’s a burden, and Supremes had unhappy lives, carrying the weight of the coven on their shoulders. Misty is like PASS, but they remind her that it’s not a choice. She was born this way… as a Supreme. Maybe.
Who will be the first to get in the center and start dancing?
Myrtle tells the story of the first Sacred Taking, which happened during the Salem Witch Trials. The coven decided to flee to the South, a part of America known for tolerance and acceptance. Because the Supreme at the time was too old to travel, she killed herself.
Witches get it done with one!
And then I spit out my water because Myrtle says the following:
“Can you imagine those witches traveling down here in covered wagons without charcuterie platters or a bidet! Absolutely savage!”
BRB LOLING FOREVER! Apparently the witches’ journey to New Orleans was just like the Oregon Trail, only with less fiber and more smelly vaginas! This fucking show, you guys. This. Fucking. Show.
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Every time I read these recaps I struggle to come to terms with the fact that this is actually a show. Someone sat down and thought this up. Then put it on TV. Where people can see it. Like, in real life. What.
Sometimes I find it hard to believe these recaps, I really do. Was the comet-enema (or whatever was used) supposed to be a reference to lysol-douches? I feel like this show is metaing itself at this point. And my money has been on Nan as the Supreme for a while, will be great if it turn out to be, maybe that coven can get some grounding for a change.
I kinda hope this show ends with everyone dying of the common cold, like the final scene of War of the Worlds. Or like the video for Total Eclipse of the Heart. It’s a tie.
i just started watching this show like a week ago and am all caught up and did not even know we were recapping this show cos i kind of have tunnelvision and don’t read recaps of shows i don’t watch, but OMG these recaps are making my life right now. angela bassett forever.
The Wham! reference. I can’t even.
your commentary on those photos was absolutely killing it, AND you referenced my most quoted line from the L word ever on one of them. best recap ever.
I love this show and reading the recaps are the absolute cherry on top.
sometimes i think 90% of the reason i watch this show is these recaps. the other 10% is jessica lange
poopy shit! POOPY SHIT!!! i have not heard those beautiful words in so long that it breaks my heart.
oh memories.
“Grab that piece of charcoal you call a vagina and get in here!” :) I can’t even…