Welcome to the tenth episode of American Horror Story, the show that got Stevie Fucking Nicks to appear in a move that was clearly a work of powerful magic! Ryan Murphy has a coven of witches working full-time to make his life miraculous.
Let’s dive right into the first AHS of 2014, shall we? This week’s vocab word is: vom-com. From the words “vomit” and “comedy,” a vom-com is like a rom-com, only instead of romantic comedy, it’s an abbreviation for wanting to vomit and laugh at the same time. It’s times like these make me feel like my Creative Writing minor in Poetry is really paying off.
We start at Miss Robichaux’s Asylum for Endangered Witches, where Fiona offers a shaken Marie some spiked tea and a goodnight spell.
Realistic depiction of A-Camp High Tea
This seems unnecessary, as there is already a mainstream magic spell for insomnia called Lunesta, but okay.
I’ll take your spell, but that’s only because Lunesta isn’t generic yet
Marie is embarrassed to ask for help, but Fiona assures her that she’s safe with the coven. Marie has a major change of heart regarding Fiona, and the feeling is mutual. These two will do great/terrible things together and I can’t wait to watch.
As Marie tries to get to sleep, a creepy shadow passes through her room and a pick-up artist reject magically appears. This is Papa Legba, who in Haitian voodoo acts as an intermediary between the living and the dead. On AHS, he’s a cokehead. Fair enough.
Sorry to wake you, but do you know where Fiona keeps her good shit?
Hmm… Papa Legba looks awfully familiar… where have I seen him before?
He even has the drugs too!
If Dr. Facilier turns Angela Bassett into a frog I will throw my television out the window.
It turns out that Papa Legba doesn’t give a shit about Marie’s near death experience. He wants his payment for the bargain she made with him years ago. This is a stone cold bummer, as I was hoping that Marie was the one witch on the show not beholden to a man, albeit a man that looks like the love child of Slash and Lenny Kravitz and a powdered doughnut.
We head to to the Shittiest Hospital in New Orleans, where Marie uses some magical coke to knock out a nurse and steal a baby from the nursery ward.
You can just check these things out like library books, right?
As she goes to leave the hospital, the alarm is set off and police draw their guns and demand she give up the baby. Marie tells them she needs the baby, and the cops are like, “well okay, but only if you really need it”.
I will say this exact phrase when I’m arrested for robbing a bank someday
JK, her eyes go white and she ululates which causes the cops to shoot each other and me to laugh my ass off.
Orgasm face
The next morning, Marie, Fiona and Cordelia are watching coverage of the beauty shop shooting on TV. Cordelia blames herself for spurning Hank, as if that would have made him less of a psycho.
If only we had more magic snake sex, all those weaves would still be intact!
Marie tells the white witches that Hank was a witch hunter and she hired him to wipe out their coven. Cordelia is obviously distraught, and Fiona gives her motherly hug and tells her it wasn’t her fault NOPE! She smacks Cordelia so hard she knocks her out of her chair.
Let the Slap-Down begin!
Mother! You know my new eyeballs haven’t settled in yet!
Immediately regrets moving in with white people
Poor Cordelia can’t catch a break, you guys. I swear, the next scene is gonna be her pratfalling on some forks and ruining her brand new eyeballs.
Fiona knows all about the witch hunters/patriarchy and tells them that they need to find the hive and wipe them all out.
What channel is Iyanla: Fix My Life on?
Upstairs, Misty is stretching and singing and just bein’ Misty when Fiona shows up. Misty is naturally dubious, as Fiona has murdered her way through several potential Supremes, but Fiona just wants to be friends.
Do you want me to revive your dog? I have a 2:30 twirling sesh but I could move that to 4
Fiona tells Misty that being the Supreme means entering a world of power, influence, and all the Free People clothes you could ever want. She wants to introduce Misty to a visiting white witch who is dying to meet her.
My dear, it’s lacy shawls and crochet tops as far as the eye can see!
Who is this mysterious visiting white witch? Is it Glinda the Good? Is it Nicole Kidman from that shitty Bewitched remake? Is it Ghost Spalding in a dress?
IT’S STEVIE FUCKING NICKS, Y’ALL!!!
This woman is perfection.
Misty responds appropriately by passing the fuck out.
Just came
Zoe, Nan and Madison arrive home from the crime scene, and they still don’t know if Queenie is alive or dead. Madison thinks she might be at Souplantation, which is a pretty good guess, except most people want to shoot themselves in the head after a Souplantation meal, not before one.
The internet told me that everyone was pissed about Ani DiFranco holding a songwriting workshop at a Souplantion and I was like, DUH obvs it should be a Bennigan’s
They talk about swinging by the morgue, but agree that if they visit the morgue any more times they’ll be the mayors of it on Foursquare. The twitches walk into the parlor to see Stevie Fucking Nicks singing “Rhiannon” at the piano and it’s lovely and amazing.
For the last time Fiona, no one wants to hear Chopsticks!
Misty is in Heaven and Fiona is enjoying the show as well, but of course Madison has to douche all over it. She wants to know why Fiona didn’t book Eminem, but Fiona tells her that only Supremes get private concerts and Madison isn’t a Supreme, so step off bitch?
This is nice and all, but does she know “Lose Yourself?”
Eminem refuses to stop using homophobic language, so I booked the Wiggles for you. You’re welcome.
Misty gets her twirl on, and Stevie Fucking Nicks joins her for a twirl! IT’S A TWIRL-OFF!
THIS IS REAL THIS IS NOT A DREAM STEVIE NICKS TWIRL-OFF FOREVER!
Stevie Fucking Nicks gives Misty THE SHAWL OFF HER OWN BACK, and it’s magical and wonderful and the twitches don’t give a shit because their generation is made of garbage (just kidding I have no idea how old these girls are supposed to be, their generation is the future blahblahblah)
Hey girl. Forget that twirling, let’s get to some swirling
Vanilla, Undead Vanilla, swirl, swirl
Madison is all pissy because she’s not getting any attention and no one thinks she’ll be the Supreme. Nan tells her that since she’s developed mind control powers (um, when? During hiatus?) she has a shot at becoming the next Supreme. Nan then proves her powers by making Madison put out her cigarette and then put it in vagina.
That is NO WAY to blow smoke rings, Madison!
Don’t worry, my vagina is smoking an e-cigarette, it’s totally healthy
One thing I really love about this show is that it’s realistic (bear with me here) in that teenage girls with magic powers would absolutely use said powers to torture each other. Like if Regina George was a witch on this show, there would be cigarettes in all the vaginas.
This one time, Regina George put a pack of Virginia Slims in my vagina. It was awesome!
Since Madison was revived, her heart murmur has disappeared, which means she is still in the running towards becoming America’s Next Top Supreme. Madison wants to take on Misty in a Seven Wonders Challenge to see who gets all the power/a Cover Girl contract/a brand new Fiat convertible/a feature in Food and Wine magazine/$100,000 from Glad trash bags/a record deal with Clive Davis/a date with Tad Hamilton/a vaginaload of HP tablets.
Downstairs, the grown witches are looking at the Delphi Trust website, where Cordelia has used the power of Google image search to find out that her husband comes from a family of witch hunters since she obviously never Googled him ever!
It’s called Autowin or something, I think it’s gonna be big
Marie is ready to hop on a broomstick and fly to Atlanta to lay the smack down, but Fiona tells her they need to play it smart. They set an elaborate maze filled with rat traps and dollar bills and let loose some white mice into the maze.
The most elaborate game of Mouse Trap ever
They are performing a spell to bankrupt Delphi Trust, which is pretty badass. Cordelia wants to help, but Fiona tells her she’s tainted and useless. She also screams NOOO! really loudly in her ear, just to get the point across. Mother of the Year material.
But I’m really handy with a mortar and pestle
GET AN IMMERSION BLENDER AND GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!
As Marie and Fiona pray to Hecate, we see FBI agents descending on Delphi Trust and arresting people, which is nicely intercut with the mice getting trapped. Trapped like rats! The mice are white! White men are getting handcuffed! Metaphor metaphor metaphor!
Dismantling the patriarchy can really take a lot out of a girl
Fiona is overwhelmed by the magic/cancer and passes out.
Meanwhile, at St. Garbage’s Adventist Hospital, Zoe and Nan discuss how the only kind of Supreme Madison can be is Supreme Cunt because of her cuntiness. Zoe says they have to stick together, and Nan promises to be a kind Supreme and 95% less cunty than Madison.
Matching the balloon to our tops/skin tones was a nice touch
They find out that Shirtless Luke died and Nan is heartbroken. She wants to go to the morgue to say goodbye, while Zoe wishes they could have one fucking field trip that didn’t include the morgue.
I mean, I’ve been here for weeks and I haven’t even gone to Jazzland yet!
Meanwhile, back at Miss Robichaux’s School for Fainting Ladies with No Fainting Couches, Fiona is revived by Marie’s rattle viper sperm incense. What is it with Marie and sperm spells, btw?
While you were unconscious I refilled all the Glade Plug-ins with jizz
Fiona tells her that no matter how much jizz she burns, it won’t stop her from dying. Marie says she’s not ready to let her die just yet, and Fiona asks her if she’s ever been in love. We see a quick flashback of Marie and Minotaur man.
He was a beast in the bedroom…and the kitchen…and the parlor room
Fiona tells Marie she’s found love in a hopeless place, and it’s the only thing keeping her going. Fiona wants the secret to Marie’s immortality, something she’s been after since episode one. Whoa, is there an actual continuing plot thread on this show? Magic!
Okay, you don’t have to tell me. I’ll start listing different kinds of semen and you just wink when I get it.
Turns out that Marie gave Delphine a vial of her tears, but if she gave it to Fiona she’d stay frozen in her dying state forever. Then we (finally!) get Marie’s immortality origin story.
After giving birth to her first child, Marie sold her soul to Papa Legba because she refused to accept death. What she didn’t realize was that Papa Legba didn’t want her soul: he wanted her baby’s innocent soul. Since then, for over 300 years, Marie has had to steal babies and give them to Papa Legba. Poor Marie. Also, poor babies.
Staying alive for the day when that outfit becomes cool. SPOILER ALERT: it’s never!
Marie tells her that if she wants him badly enough, he’ll come to her, but he comes at a price. Uh Oh. Cordelia, you in danger, girl!
Will you accept payment in uptight WASPy white witches?
We jump to a jazz funeral that second-lines down the streets of New Orleans. I love jazz funerals, and they are so macabre and New Orlinean that I’m surprised it took them ten episodes to feature one. Madison and Misty bring up the rear of the procession, enjoying some meat on a stick.
I’m starting to think this isn’t the Port-a-Potty line for Jazz Fest
Madison is wearing a Norma Desmond turban and Misty stole Papa Legba’s top hat. Madison fucking loves hats, you guys.
What do you think Whoopi left out in the “…” in that review?
Madison tells Misty that, as Supreme, everyone will be out to play her and want shit from her.
Look, you may be socially retarded and weird, but you’re still my friend, ok?
Misty doesn’t buy Madison’s bullshit and tells her she’s not as dumb as she looks.
Granted, I look pretty dumb in this hat
They walk into the cemetery, where Misty enchants some grave diggers and Madison opens the casket and revives the corpse, because apparently every fucking witch got mind control powers during hiatus!
But I thought only Misty could revive the dead… you know what, fuck it, I’ll just go with it I guess
Madison tells Misty that she wants to be her friend, which on this show means she’s about to murder her. Madison tells her to stop being a Stevie knock-off and be a Misty original and convinces her to drop Stevie Fucking Nicks’s shawl into the empty casket.
Trash it or at least wash it bc it smells fucking gross
Misty is about to drop it when Madison clubs her in the head with a fucking brick. Misty falls into the casket like a sack of potatoes if potato sacks shopped at Anthropologie and Madison tells the diggers to bury her in the above-ground crypt.
I like that Madison can control people with her mind but still resorts to a fucking brick to the head
Don’t worry guys, Misty will be fine. The exact same thing happened to Ashley Judd in Double Jeopardy and she broke out of that thing in like, 20 minutes.
Did you know that Ashley Judd played a prisoner in Double Jeopardy? Do you want to see some pics? No? Too bad, I’m putting them up anyway!
Ashley Judd wearing mom khakis and keds behind bars because she’s too white to function
Ashley Judd taking orders from Red in the kitchen
Ashley Judd pretending to be Sophia
Ashley Judd is the New Black! I fucking love that movie.
ANYWAYS, Madison takes the Stevie Fucking Nicks shawl and twirls away. What a dick move.
Can’t wait to tie up Zoe with this shawl later!
Zoe and Nan go to visit Patti LuPone in the hopes of finding out where his body is buried so they can revive him/sew rape limbs to him/make a FrankenLuke so FrankenKyle won’t be so lonely.
We want to desecrate your son’s corpse, but we brought cupcakes sooo…
But they’re too late because Patti had him cremated and he’s on the mantle now. Nan freaks out and knows that Patti killed her son. She uses her mind control powers to subdue Patti and force her to drink a bottle of bleach, killing her. RIP Patti, I wish you got to sing more.
Fingerbang Powers Activate!
Zoe tries to stop her, but Nan flings her across the room with her mind. Guess Zoe was the only witch who didn’t get mind control powers. Oh well, she can warm the bench with Cordelia.
The most roundabout way to bleach your anus
Back at Miss Robichaux’s Potions Room, Cordelia is depressed while Myrtle plays the theremin. The fucking theremin!!! Of fucking course she is. I can’t get enough Myrtle. She NEEDS a spin-off show so fucking badly. Cordelia is not into it.
Don’t hate the theremin player, hate the theremin game
Cordelia complains about being a shitty witch, and Myrtle tells her she could always pursue other career paths. Myrtle’s suggestions are: salad dressing inventor or cruise ship hostess. Wait, is that Myrtle or is that my high school guidance counselor?
Everyone has mind control powers but me and it’s NOT FAIR!
I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening, that brownie just kicked in
Myrtle tells her that there aren’t a lot of options when your mom is Hillary Clinton (which is nuts because Chelsea is hella accomplished in her own right) and that she didn’t feel special either. This is a pretty crappy pep talk, so Cordelia starts smashing pots while Myrtle plays on. If she duets on the theremin with Stevie Fucking Nicks I will go insane.
At Delphi Trust, stocks are plummeting. Menard aka Hank’s dad suspects it’s the witches and wants to retaliate. This is all time that could be better spent with Delphine’s severed heard. Where is that head at?!
Fiona cuts some lines of coke and summons Papa Legba, because Papa Legba is apparently a guy in a business fraternity or something. Papa Legba appears and enjoys the coke, because Fiona only gets the good shit.
The joke’s on him, it’s just Splenda
They start talking business: Fiona wants eternal life/no aging/those legs forever. In exchange, he gets an innocent soul from her every year. Papa Legba asks Fiona if she would cripple her own daughter, and Fiona practically whips out a baseball bat and calls for Cordelia.
Cocaine and terrible clothes! The 80’s are back!
Fiona is on board with everything Papa Legba asks of her: murdering babies? YUP YUP YUP. Murdering loved ones? Been there, done that! Stealing souls? Bitch, I call that a Tuesday!
So you don’t mind harvesting innocent souls?
Let me be clear: I’m an awful human being
They try to seal the deal with a kiss, but Papa Legba tells her the deal is off. Turns out that since Fiona has no soul, she has nothing to offer! Whomp Whomp Whomp. Better luck next time, bitch!
It’s all cool, baby. We just need some more cocaine and Coltrane!
Axeman appears and tells her not to worry. They’ll just have to find the rising Supreme and kill her off. But Fiona is out of time and out of patience. Why guess at the next supreme when they can just kill all the twitches? Problem solved!
Zoe and Nan are hanging out post-Patti murder, when Nan hears a voice. She follows the sound to find the baby that Marie kidnapped hidden in Marie’s closet.
You can’t have that baby, I already called dibs!
Marie catches her and demands she return the baby, but Nan tells her to eat shit and threatens to kill her with her mind. Fiona tells Nan to return the baby or she’ll make her kill it, and Nan gives in, what with having a soul and all.
Look, we’ll split it in half and then everybody gets some baby, okay?
Fiona and Marie agree that Nan is a problem. Fiona tells Marie that she couldn’t make a deal with Papa, and Marie is hesitant to give up the baby. What’s a witch to do?
Drown Nan in the tub, obvs.
I can’t leave you two alone for a minute!
Yes, we’re murdering an innocent, but we’re doing it together. It’s called progress.
Where the fuck is everyone else while they are loudly drowning Nan?! Cordelia? Myrtle? Ghost Spalding? This school just gets more and more negligent.
Papa Legba tells them he doesn’t accept substitutions, but they assure him that Nan was like, 95% innocent/Patti had it coming, and beg Papa to stop busting their balls.
Ebony and ivory, kill together in perfect harmony
He relents and takes Ghost Nan with him. Nan is pretty okay with dying, as it’s infinitely better than staying at this useless school.
Peace out bitches, I’m gonna bang Luke in the afterlife!
So long, Nan. You were awesome.
Fiona wanders downstairs to find Stevie Fucking Nicks still playing at the piano. How long has she been there? Is she allowed to go on break? Did she even get to change her shawl?
Do you know any ABBA? I could really use some Mamma Mia right about now
As Stevie Fucking Nicks sings, Fiona relaxes on the couch and cries. Such is the power of Stevie Fucking Nicks.
Just like the one wing dove, murders all her daughter’s students
NEXT WEEK: Nan gets buried! Witches plot to kill each other! Misty gets her shawl back!
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Fucking hilarious :)!
As usual
Chelsea is doing a stellar job with these recaps
I feel all the witches will end up killing each other before Delphi Trust arrives on their doorstep.
seriously the whole time all this shit is going down, blowing rails with papa legba, drowning nan in the bathtub, stevie nicks is just downstairs playing the piano?
i am really disappointed nobody on the internet has made a gif of angela bassett saying “ooOOoOoOOOOOOOOOOO, he HATED your ass.”
I want to know this: Didn’t the police notice a talking, weeping, TV-watching Head of Kathy Bates sitting on the table, listening to gospel music in the Salon of Vengeance? Actually, I want to know a lot of other things, but I don’t expect this show to tell me any of them.
If my future wife #…, Misty doesn’t come back…So help me, God.
Nan was so badass. I was convinced she was the next supreme and this how it ends? In a bathtub?
Luckily Marie is so stinking good looking I’ll forgive her for anything at this point. :P
I can’t help but think that if Misty has the power of regeneration that maybe she can’t be permanently killed…at least by conventional means. Maybe? I hope so.
Nan is priceless.
I thought I was ready for Stevie. I was not ready for Stevie.
RyMurph, how can I quit you when you keep giving me these tasty treats?
Sniiiiiff, I want Misty to nuzzle me back to life. Also to kick Madison’s ass.
Dont hate the theremin player, hate the theremin game. Lmao. One of a thousand things I could quote.
I will, as of this point, read anything you write Chelsea. Anything.if at the least only to repay you for all of these recap masterpieces. Sign up for a book deal and write a 300 page preface to a book about sea cucumbers mating, and I’ve got that shit preordered on amazon.com. You deserve some sort of lifetime achievement award.
So, does Stevie have powers that bless Fiona with a soul through song? Can one cry and be emotional when being soulless? Why am I trying to make sense of this show?
At this point I’m almost rooting for the witch hunters. Since Nan and (possibly) Misty are now dead, Cordelia seems to be the only character left who isn’t completely evil. On this show that probably means she isn’t going to last much longer.
My favorite thing about this episode:
When Marie and Fiona are casting the spell together on the Delphi trust, And Cordelia wants to help and Fiona screams her fucking head off at her own daughter, there’s this look of dawning comprehension on Marie’s face. And it is the look of a woman who is realizing only too late that she didn’t have to hire a witch hunter to destroy her arch enemies. This coven is four dead witches away from total self-annihilation, and they’re killing, like, two a week. So really, all she ever had to do was sit back and watch her her enemies collapse like a flan in a cupboard.
“like flan in a cupboard” You are fucking perfection!