American Horror Story 305 Recap: Burn, Witch, Burn

Welcome to the fifth episode of American Horror Story, the show that never met a horror trope it didn’t like to fuck with!

This week’s vocab word is “twitchery.” It’s a combo of “trickery” and “witches.” The Disney Channel even made a movie about it.

Alternative programming to "Sabrina the Teenage Cracker" — Alternative programming to “Sabrina the Teenage Cracker”

The episode opens with a flashback of a masked Halloween ball at the home of Delphine, who is rocking a serious feather hairpiece. A handsome dandy named Jacques has come to court her oldest daughter, Borquita.

And this is what I'd look like with a feather soul patch — And this is what I’d look like with a feather soul patch

Delphine wants to see if he can survive her chamber of horrors, which BTW is now what I’ll be calling my vagina. Apparently Delphine loves to see terror on a handsome face, whereas I like to see a handsome face all up in my terror, HEY HEY!

Hold on to your frilly cravat, bc shit is about to go off!]

Delphine leads Jacques into a room where she is playing the old Halloween food prank. Peeled grapes are eyeballs, spaghetti is guts, and someone’s dad is dressed like the Fonz.

Except the grapes really are slave eyeballs and the guts are guts, and Jacques runs the fuck out of that creepy hell house like his fancy pants are on fire.

Sorry, I already have reservations at a less murdery place down the street

I told you Jacques was vegan Mom, stop embarrassing me!

Delphine cackles that he’s not man enough for her daughter, because yeah, he’s obviously the one with the problem. Later, the three daughters gather and talk about how mom keeps scaring away potential husbands with her creepy murder house show.

Remember when she was supposed to bring homeroom snack and she brought a severed head instead?

And we were like, mom, we wanted chewy Chips Ahoy, gross!

And I mailed the story to YM magazine for their "OMG Mortifying" column, but instead they just sent me a letter from child services! — And I mailed the story to YM magazine for their “OMG Mortifying” column, but instead they just sent me a letter from child services!

One daughter laments how horrible Delphine is to them and the slaves. UM, HAVE YOU SEEN THE SLAVES, BITCH? Horrible is an understatement. They talk about killing mom once and for all. Unfortunately, Delphine overhears their plotting, and has the slaves drag her daughters up to the murder attic of horrors.

No TV for a week? But Vampire Diaries is back!

Delphine plans to keep her daughters locked up for a year, except for Borquita, who is getting a mouthful of shit for Christmas. A mouthful of shit. For Christmas. Let’s just sit with this a minute. “A Mouthful of Shit for Christmas” sounds like a lost Rankin-Bass TV special.

Fine, but what am I getting for Kwanzaa?

You know, people are surprised that I don’t watch this show stoned, considering I’m the “High Femme” girl and all. But I have to watch this show sober, because otherwise I WOULD NOT BELIEVE MY FUCKING EYES AND EARS. The opening credits haven’t even rolled at this point, y’all.

Also, can we talk about how Delphine is the least discreet serial killer ever? Won’t people notice her daughters are missing/have shit in their mouths? Won’t Jacques run off to the police? These are the things I think about.

Flash to present, where the zombie daughters are banging at the door, and the entire school is surrounded by zombies.

Braaaiiiinnsss, braaaaiiiiinnnnsss –is that a giant fucking scarecrow?

Fiona is nursing her drink at the bar when she sees Cordelia rush out of the bathroom screaming.

Just realized she got stuck with the tab

Cordelia is clutching her burnt face, and Fiona is horrified. She sees a black figure sneak out the door.

This is why we can't have nice things! — This is why we can’t have nice things!

Fiona waits in a dimly lit, shitty hospital waiting room.

Accurate representation of a New Orleans hospital

The doctor comes out and tells Fiona that Cordelia has been burnt with sulfuric acid. Fiona asks if she’s blind, and the doctor tells her the acid burned through her eyes. They couldn’t save her eyes. Fiona says, “what are you telling me?” and the doctor takes out a sock puppet and rips off its googly eyes. Not really, that would have been amazing.

Meanwhile, at Miss Robichaux’s Hometown Zombie Buffet, the zombies are closing in on the house. Shirtless thinks it’s a prank, but the witches know some serious shit is going down. Queenie calls them the army of darkness (nice reference, Queenie!)

A Thriller flash mob? — A *Thriller* flash mob?

Meanwhile, back at the beauty shop, Marie Laveau levitates, surrounded by candles and dead chickens. It’s just like that scene in The Craft, only with WAY more dead chickens.

Shirtless goes out to scare away the zombies, who have frozen in place like a bunch of mimes. Some costumed bros wander in and compliment the zombies on their cool prosthetics. Yep, they’re gonna die.

What do you mean this haircut makes me look like a penis?

Marie, white eyed, tells them to begin. The zombies start murdering up a storm and attack the house.

"Wu Tang Clan ain't nothing to fuck with is a double negative! — “Wu Tang Clan ain’t nothing to fuck with is a double negative!

Zoe jumps into the leadership role, which is surprising since she is terrible at everything all the time. With the exception of killing people with her vagina. She’s aces at that. She tells everyone to head upstairs to Spalding’s room, but he quickly waves them off that idea.

Why can't we hide in your room, Spalding? — Why can’t we hide in your room, Spalding?

Because I promised the dolls it was family night!

Delphine wants to let her zombie daughters into the house, but Zoe shuts that shit down right quick. Meanwhile, Nan sneaks out of the house to rescue Shirtless and drag him into a car.

They're not fucking trick-or-treaters! — They’re not fucking trick-or-treaters!

Well who else is going to eat these boxes of DOTS?

Meanwhile at the hospital, Cordelia is asleep in bed. Fiona watches over her in the most poorly lit room ever. Seriously, what is with this hospital and its flickering lights?

Fiona runs out of pills, but guess where she can get some more? Fiona uses her magic/Costco card to break into the pharmacy and just starts bagging all the pills like it’s Supermarket Sweep.

Oh God, I'm tripping ovaries right now — Oh God, I’m tripping ovaries right now

Fiona stumbles out, high as a kite, and passes a variety of creepy patients before seeing the black figure slink around a corner. Fiona walks into a hospital room to see a stillborn baby and her sobbing mother.

Fiona, obviously reeling from Cordelia’s attack, picks up the dead baby and forces the mother to hold it and promise to love the dead baby. Well, this is uncomfortable.

Suddenly, Fiona magicks the baby back to life! The mother cries tears of joy. Not to rain on Fiona’s parade, but maybe she could magick some sight back into Cordelia’s face? I don’t know; I’m not a witch or anything.

These hitchhikers are getting really aggressive

Meanwhile, back at Miss Robichaux’s zombie apocalypse, Nan and Shirtless are trapped in a car, about to be eaten by zombies. Suddenly, the zombies are distracted by Zoe, who is banging pots and pans together like she’s Tanisha from The Bad Girls Club.

Zoe distracts the zombies, then runs off to hide in a shed. Meanwhile, Delphine puts Queenie back to bed, and tells Spalding to keep an eye on her while she gets some ice.

We've also got plenty of leftover DOTS if you want — We’ve also got plenty of leftover DOTS if you want

Delphine is in the kitchen when she hears noises. She sees Zombie Borquita outside the window, and opens the door to let her in. Delphine has obviously never seen a zombie movie ever.

Let's bury the hatchet…into the back of your head — Let’s bury the hatchet…into the back of your head

She hopes there is something human remaining in her daughter. Maybe she’ll forgive her for the whole “mouthful of shit for Xmas” thing. Zombie Borquita starts strangling her. I guess she’s not into forgiveness.

So family therapy is out of the question, then?

Queenie asks Spalding to go see what’s keeping Delphine. When she hears a thump, she steps outside the room to see Spalding getting clobbered with a candle stick. What is it with the LaLaurie family and clubbing people with candle sticks?

Queenie backs away and starts slicing herself up with whatever she can find. Unfortunately, her voodoo doll skills have no effect on the zombie, other than looking really cool. Suddenly, the zombie is impaled by a poker; Delphine has stabbed her zombie daughter to save Queenie. Delphine collapses and cries into Queenie’s ample bosom.

Crying into a huge rack always makes me feel better

Meanwhile, Nan and Shirtless make a run for it, but Shirtless collapses due to loss of blood. Nan tries to drag him inside, when obviously she should leave this Jabroni to die and make a run for it.