Zoe is mowing down zombies left and right, and it’s pretty awesome. More of this, please. Zoe, you are no longer the worst. A giant zombie comes after her just as her chainsaw sputters out. Classic Ryan Murphy move: as soon as a female character gets cool, you cut her off at the knees.
But wait! Zoe puts her hand out, mutters something in Latin, and the zombie collapses! She killed him with magic! Magic that didn’t come from her cooch!
Zoe’s magic is so powerful it knocks Marie out of the air and onto the floor. Marie senses a crazy strong magic coming from the school. Is Zoe the new Supreme?
Back at the hospital, Hank rushes in, straight from boning that redhead. Fiona smells bullshit all over him and calls him a loser. Hank says at least he didn’t abandon Cordelia like Fiona did.
A nurse wanders in and tells them to keep it the fuck down. She then leaves, hopefully to fix the incessantly flickering lights that are about to give me a seizure. Fiona walks away and demands that Hank leave by the time she gets back. Hank tries to comfort Cordelia, but when he touches her hand she immediately gets flashes of him fucking that other girl.
Looks like Cordelia got some new magical powers to compensate for her damaged face.
The next day, Fiona and the girls have a giant zombie corpse bonfire.
Fiona tells Zoe that she likes a witch who knows how to fight. She compliments Zoe on her newfound badassery. Delphine comes out and commiserates with Fiona about them being terrible mothers. Will their shared tragedy bring them closer? NOPE. Fiona calls her the maid and saunters back inside.
The witch council shows up to see what the fuck happened last night.
The council accuses Fiona of neglect and malfeasance, what with the zombie attack/missing students/injured daughter. They demand that Fiona resign, but that’s obviously not happening.
Fiona accuses Myrtle of plotting against her and attacking Cordelia. Fiona saw Myrtle in the hospital elevator, and she knew that Myrtle came to New Orleans weeks ago under a fake name.
Fiona knows this because she broke into Myrtle’s hotel room and found an angry photo shrine.
The coup de grace comes when Fiona rips Myrtle’s gloves off, revealing acid burned hands!
Myrtle tries to defend herself, but the council quickly sentences her to death. Myrtle tells them she won’t resist the burning; she’s used to being an outcast. She will go proudly into the flame. Well, good luck with that.
It’s time to burn a witch! Myrtle is dressed in white and is followed by everyone in black, including the black albinos. Hey guys!
Fiona lights a cigarette and asks if Myrtle has any last words. Myrtle tells everyone they suck/Fiona is going to drag them all to hell/she’d like to thank the academy/can anyone cancel my Netflix account?
Fiona tosses her cigarette onto the gasoline covered Myrtle and she goes up in flames.
Goodbye Myrtle. For the next 5 minutes at least.
Back at school, Queenie questions Fiona about framing Myrtle.
Turns out that Myrtle’s scarred hand was the work of Queenie burning herself! But Queenie is having second thoughts. She didn’t want to see Myrtle go up in flames.
Fiona tries to calm her with some sweet talk, and vaguely promises that Queenie could be the rising Supreme. This is not great news, considering the previous rising Supreme is rotting away in an attic right now.
Meanwhile, Spalding is just relaxing in his night gown and bonnet, spraying the attic with Lysol.
Dude, Lysol is not going to mask the rotting corpse in your trunk! You should know that after 50 years of buttling. Spalding tries to lift Madison’s corpse out of the trunk, but he rips her arm off. True story: I could watch a spinoff show that’s just Spalding in a night gown doing Buster Keaton-style physical comedy with body parts.
Meanwhile, back at the burning site, wild dogs are nomming on Myrtle’s charred corpse.
But guess who shows up? Misty Day, in all her Stevie Nicks glory! Misty holds Myrtle’s head in her hands and works her witchy magic. Myrtle opens her eyes.
So let’s look at the scorecard:
Dead babies revived: 1
Dead witches revived: 1
Dead eyeballs/cheek bones revived: 0
NEXT TIME on American Horror Story: Crispy witches hell-bent on vengeance! Rising Supreme misdirects! More corpse tomfoolery in the attic!
