Back at Witch Prep, Fiona is double-fisting whiskey and pills, otherwise known as a regular Tuesday.
Creepy Butler brings in Joan, who has come to complain about Madison rolling her vagina into a ball and pitching it at her son.
Joan has also brought Fiona a bible. Someone is barking up the wrong tree. Fiona calls her on her fundamentalist Christian hypocrisy, and tries to give her a drink.
Joan is in no fucking mood, and tells Fiona to control her girls or she’s calling the police.
Madison shows up looking to start some shit. She taunts Joan by saying she conjured the devil and made her son jizz his pants using only the power of her withering stare.
As Joan storms out, Fiona asks Madison to light her cigarette. Madison does it with her mind, capturing Fiona’s interest. Over at the FrankenHouse, FrankenKyle is tucked into bed when his mom comes in. She’s noticed his body is different (because it’s made of rapists) and he’s not talking.
She doesn’t care though, as long as he’s still her son. And then this shit happens:
FrankenKyle and his mother have been having sex, or more accurately, she has been sexually abusing him for quite a while. It is all of the gross. She feels up his Frankenpenis while he cries. I need a handi-wipe for my brain.
Cordelia goes to Marie Laveau’s salon to get a witch baby a’brewin. Sidebar, how amazing would it be if Lafayette from True Blood just wandered into this show?
Cordelia walks into the back room to find Marie sitting on a throne of bones and pelts. She’s chilling out and playing solitaire on an iPad like a badass. Marie offers her a Coca-Cola.
Cordelia has come for a fertility spell, but Marie tells her it’s quite the procedure. There are drummers, dancers, animal skulls, and jizz in a mason jar.
So they toss the jizz into the fire and Marie eats the world’s hottest pepper.
There’s some singing, some dancing, and they cut a goat’s throat and let it bleed all over Cordelia’s vagina and stomach. Typical baby shower stuff.
Despite the hefty price tag, Cordelia is ready to go. But not so fast. Marie cackles at her and tells her that she will never perform the spell. Since Cordelia is the daughter of her sworn enemy, Marie refuses to help her.
She says Cordelia was born in the wrong tribe, and Fiona messed with the wrong witch. Poor Cordelia can’t catch a break.
Zoe is back at school and pretending like she didn’t fuck with nature, when Mrs. FrankenKyle calls to invite her over for dinner. Nan wishes she would take her loud thoughts elsewhere.
Madison and Fiona have mimosas and soak up each other’s awesomeness. We find out that Madison had a cruel stage mom who forced her to be the breadwinner. It’s essentially every child star story ever.
Fiona tells Madison that she was a terrible mother to Cordelia, and it’s too late to change, even though both of them are very much alive and living in the same house. Fiona laments that she has so much magic to teach and no plucky young witch to learn. Madison immediately volunteers.
The first lesson is mind controlling some guy to wander into traffic. This doesn’t take magic; this takes a case of beer. Or twenty dollars.
Meanwhile, Queenie has forced Delphine to make her chicken pot pie. This is upsetting, as chicken pot pie is never a punishment and always a joy.
Delphine tells her that peach cobbler won’t keep her warm at night. She has obviously never had peach cobbler, because that shit is delicious and will warm even the coldest of hearts.
Queenie tells her that she uses food to replace the love she never had as a child. This seems like something approaching a genuine dialogue about eating disorders, so they shut it down right quick.
Delphine sees something moving outside.
Who’s at the door? It’s the minotaur!
Minotaur tries to break into the house. Delphine confesses her real identity to Queenie, who understandably freaks the fuck out. It’s bad enough she was eating racist cobbler but serial killer racist cobbler? Too far.
Delphine gets on her knees and begs Queenie to help her. Queenie cuts Delphine’s hand, puts her blood on a towel, and goes out to face the minotaur. I would have tossed her racist murdering ass out the door, but to each their own.
Queenie goes outside and starts waving the bloody towel like she’s a Spanish bullfighter. Then things start getting weird. Queenie tells the minotaur that he just wants love. She wants love too. They aren’t beasts, they’re just people. Queenie starts downstairs DJing and the minotaur is into it.
UGGGGHHHHHPSETTING. This feels racist and wrong. We so rarely get to see women of color and women of different sizes express their sexuality, and we get this fresh hell instead. I want to throw Ryan Murphy down a well.
Back at the house that incest built, poor FrankenKyle is rocking in the corner. Mrs. FrankenKyle tries to talk to him, but he still won’t answer.
She then tries to have sex with him, but FrankenKyle snaps and bludgeons her to death with a trophy.
Madison and Fiona are drinking and playing pool in a bar. I would watch a show that was just these two as drinking buddies.
Fiona watches the boys watching Madison, and flashes back to her youth when she had the same sway over men. This sucks, as Jessica Lange is still crazy hot, but whatever.
Zoe shows up to dinner, and finds Mrs. FrankenKyle’s bloody corpse and an equally bloody FrankenKyle right behind her.
Madison and Fiona stumble back home after a long night.
Fiona tells Madison that she is the next Supreme. Madison is dubious, but Fiona knows it. As Madison is flowering(gross) and gaining her powers, Fiona’s powers are fading.
Fiona has cancer. Madison assures her that her agent can get the best oncologist in the country.
Fiona is not interested in chemo, and wants to go out in style. She laments becoming the Supreme at such a young age and squandering her powers. She was a shitty Supreme.
Fiona confesses to killing her predecessor, and takes out the same knife. Madison starts to freak, and rightly so.
Fiona asks Madison to kill her. Her time is up. Madison refuses, having already filled her murder quota for the school year.
They struggle with the knife, and Fiona accidently/on purpose slits Madison’s throat. Goodbye Madison, it was nice knowing you. Unless you get resurrected, in which case we’ll see you next week.
Guess who saw it all go down? Creepy butler!
Fiona tells him to bury Madison deep. She lights a cigarette and collects herself.
Fiona says, “this coven doesn’t need a new Supreme, it needs a new rug.” ZING!
NEXT time on American Horror Story! Witch Police! Frances Conroy! Drunk Fiona! And a live performance by Fleetwood Mac!
