A+ members, hello! So, this whole brilliant experiment was somehow, someway dreamed up during a Slack conversation in the Autostraddle office. Yes, Laneia had something to do with it, and I, as the other resident Aquarius on the senior team was delighted to run with the idea.

Here’s the concept: you know the meme where people describe themselves in three characters? What if someone else did that for you? We thought it would be a hoot and a half to set the team up, in a way that was shrouded in mystery, with two people who they would secretly gift a reading of three characters who they believe collectively embody the energy of that person. I, as the only person who knows who got who, abstained, though one person did volunteer a reading for me.

I welcome anyone — Autostraddle writers and readers alike — to try and guess who got who in the comments. It’s a mystery…until you solve it! And hey, do you think these readings are accurate? Who are YOUR personal three characters? Lots to discuss here and there are only two rules: 1) Be kind (including to yourself) and 2) Have fun. We have fun here! And this is one hell of an ensemble cast.

xoxo,

Nico

Shelli Nicole

Reading 1

Gracie Hart, A League of Their Own
Garnet, Steven Universe
M-Chuck, Survivor’s Remorse

Shelli Nicole is one of the most balanced human beings I have ever met in my entire life. She’s ambitious and she’s humble. She’s stunning and she’s soft. She’ll tell you what’s the truth and she’ll also listen with enormous compassion. She’s not going to settle for anything less than the best, and she also wants you to chase after all the things that will make you happiest, too — and she’ll empower you to do them. Gracie reminds me so much of Shelli because she just shines, she’s larger than life, she’s not apologizing for who she is or who she loves, and she wants to share the fullness of her life with other people. Then there’s Garnet, who is the coolest Gem, the ultimate boss, and also the literal embodiment of love. And M-Chuck, one of the gayest and most hilarious Black women in any TV comedy ever, fully herself and fully adored.

Reading 2

Khadijah James, Living Single
Susie Carmichael, Rugrats
Mary Richards, The Mary Tyler Moore Show

I chose these three characters because Shelli has big dreams, and big heart and real “boss bitch” energy.

Drew

Reading 1

Emily Dickinson, Dickinson
Diane Nguyen, BoJack Horseman
Leila, The Bisexual

My mind obviously went to some of my favorite fictional writers when I was thinking of Drew. Diane Nguyen, of course, who started small and became a best-seller as she grew into her own voice by growing into the woman she wanted to become. No longer content to stand in anyone else’s shadow. Keenly insightful and somehow still compassionate. And Emily Dickinson. There’s no shortage to choose from these days, but I went with Hailee Steinfeld because her imagination is bursting, because her ambition is unapologetic, because she’s inventing new ways to describe the rain. Because she’s a badass, but she’s also silly, and she cares so deeply for her friends. Leila, too, is a writer — and she has so many characteristics I admire in Drew: an inability to tolerate bullshit, a deep and expansive empathy, a quick wit, and an unwillingness to make other people comfortable by hiding herself away.

Reading 2

Maude Findlay, Maude
Mame Dennis, Auntie Mame
Eliza Thornberry, The Wild Thornberrys

Drew is opulent, inquisitive and to the point. She stands up for what she believes in and takes up all the space she can.

Darcy

Reading 1

Waverly Earp, Wynonna Earp
Tara, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Jo, A League of Their Own

Some of the qualities these characters share are ones I see in Darcy: a feeling of natural and immediate warmth, an abundance of charm and cheer, and a solid sense of humor. I feel like a hug from any of them (Darcy included) would cure my woes, grabbing a coffee with them would leave me feeling lighter, and any conversation would leave me smiling like a dork. I also think all three of these characters would be dedicated and loving dog-owners, something anyone who has ever followed Darcy on social media would know they excel at.

Reading 2

Dug, Up
Sookie St. James, Gilmore Girls
Jane Sloan, The Bold Type

First, the addition of Sookie is not a plus size thing but also there’s nothing wrong with being plus size I just want to note both of those things. Sookie is really caring and kind – a great friend. Darcy really puts a lot of intention and empathy into advice responses and I really value that. Dug because Darcy loves animals and comes across as bubbly and friendly. Also Darcy talks about experiences with ADHD and Dug is always distracted by squirrels. Jane because she is passionate about the story and getting it right and that’s something I get from Darcy too.

Heather

Reading 1

Ripley, Alien
Frodo Baggins, The Lord of the Rings
Dear Daniel, Hello Kitty

Heather is Ripley from Alien for three reasons: 1. Like Ripley, Heather is a natural leader; 2. Like Ripley, Heather is smart as hell; and 3. Heather is so obsessed with her cats that, like Ripley, she’d probably risk her life on an alien-infested spaceship to save them from danger.

Heather is obviously Frodo Baggins from Lord of the Rings. Heather shares Frodo’s bravery, thoughtfulness, and humor. If you have to go to Mordor (or DMV or the doctor’s office or some other equally scary place), you’d be wise to go with Heather.

Heather is Dear Daniel, Hello Kitty’s lesser-known but equally adorable boyfriend who looks more like Hello Kitty’s soft butch wife, because Dear Daniel enjoys taking photos of animals and looks dapper in a suit.

Reading 2

Spyro the Dragon, Spyro video games
Jessica Day, New Girl
Leslie Wright, Just Wright

Here are some things I think of when I think of Heather: fierce, protective, loyal, sporty, and gentle. Spyro (at least in the first game, which I’ve never beaten so cannot move on to the second) is literally traversing worlds to rescue all of the dragons he knows from the clutches of evil (much like Heather Hogan is known for rescuing any cat in need!). Jessica Day may be a little cartoonish by mid-series, but one thing that is always true about her: her endless optimism and love doesn’t make her a pushover! And finally, Leslie Wright, who loves sports and excels at telling people to get over themselves, when needed, in the most loving and supportive way possible.

Ro

Reading 1

Kermit THE Frog, The Muppet Show
Arnold Shortman, Hey Arnold
Nicky Nichols, Orange Is the New Black

Like Kermit the Frog, Ro is a consummate performer, capable of moving an audience to laughter, tears, or self-reflection. Like Arnold Shortman, Ro projects a calm and upbeat vibe, dresses gaily, and has a bit of trouble with baseball caps. Like Nicky Nichols, they’re knowledgeable about sex and happy to educate! Okay, that last one is a stretch, but it’s HARD to find sex-positive TV characters! Honorable mentions included every boy on every Nickelodeon or Disney show from the ‘90s, including Simba.

Reading 2

Roger Rabbit, Who Killed Roger Rabbit
Shane McCutcheon, The L Word
Elmo

Autostraddle’s very own Sex + Dating editor is perfect in their combined energy of silly, kind, and sexy. Luckily I’ve followed Ro online long enough to know they embrace both their Roger Rabbit energy and their Shane energy (to me both are huge compliments, to be clear!) and their willingness to bring us joy and sex toy reviews at the end of the world is very Elmo Fire Meme, IMHO.

Vanessa

Reading 1

Baby Spice, Spice World
Midge, Mrs. Maisel
Miss Blanche Devereux, The Golden Girls

When I think of V I think Sweet Spicy and Smart. She such a sweet and kind person and friend who TRULY values her friendships like all of these babes but Baby Spice in Spice World jumps to the front. She is whip fucking smart — a teacher, a writer, a editor — and can put together a good ass meal and that all gives me Midge from Mrs. Maisel, and finish it up with the naughtiness of one Miss Blanche Devereux from The Golden Girls, we don’t have to get into it but we’ve read the essays and we all know whats up! I adore you V!

Roundtable 2

Sam, Totally Spies
Violet, Bound
Violet, 9 to 5

I have knowledge that Vanessa is a Capricorn and thus my first pick was Sam from Totally Spies. Sam’s a leader and has her shit together and I feel as though Vanessa exudes that energy. Coincidently, my last two picks are both named Violet (and that was not on purpose I promise). Violet from the 9 to 5 and Violet from Bound. Both hot dykes with a plan!

Laneia

Reading 1

Lil, Coyote Ugly
Lou, Ocean’s 8
Sarah Connor, Terminator & sequels

I’ll be honest, this one was a little difficult for me because I don’t know Laneia as well as I know some other people on staff so bear with me here. I thought of Lil from Coyote Ugly first because from what I do know of Laneia, I do feel like she’d be able to bust up a bar fight and I believe she’d always make the best decisions for both her GIRLS and her BUSINESS. Lou from Ocean’s 8 immediately came to mind because even though Laneia contributes SO MUCH to the group, there’s still an air of mystery around her and I think that’s fucking cool. Also, if Autostraddle had an office, I could imagine her pulling up on a Harley. Sarah Connor is TOUGH, you know? And I think Laneia is, too. I think if someone from the future came and gave Laneia the same messages about her kid and the world that Sarah Connor got, Laneia would fight the same way (and win!).

Reading 2

David Rose, Schitt’s Creek
Jenny Schecter, The L Word
Reggie, Rocket Power

For anyone else, perhaps the inclusion of Jenny Schecter would be a butnowwesaidit.gif moment, but I’d like to think Laneia saw this coming. Perhaps I’m way off base and her lifelong commitment to defending Jenny is not rooted in a mirroring but in mere appreciation for the other, but I don’t think I am! Jenny smoking a cigarette in the middle of a basketball game just is Laneia, and I don’t think she smokes nor has ever played basketball, but that is not the point! She is that energy. Also, I think people tend to get an Alexis Rose vibe from Laneia IRL, which I too have experienced, but the more I think about it, the more she’s a David Rose to me. Specifically, David crouched in a field, sunglasses on, hoodie up, holding a giant pitchfork. Yeah, that’s Laneia. And despite definitely being Jenny and David, neither Jenny nor David has Cool Girl Energy, and Laneia without a doubt has Cool Girl Energy and just general Doesn’t Give A Fuck Energy. I, personally, am shocked when anyone fails to follow instructions given by Laneia, because do others not live with a constant determination to please Laneia?!?!?! Couldn’t be me. Anyway, Reggie from Rocket Power exudes exactly that You Better DO What She Says Energy as well as Cool Girl Energy. Together, this trio is baffling and yet also? LANEIA.

Stef R

Reading 1

Hulk Hogan, WWE
Darlene Conner, Roseanne
Amethyst, Steven Universe

Like Amethyst, Stef is a fighter with a heart of gold, combatting the forces of evil to make the world a better place. Like Darlene Conner, they know their worth and have great hair. They’ll call you ‘brother’ and they’ve definitely got the muscles to lift you over their heads, like Hulk Hogan, but when they do, they’ll be raising you up, not taking you down. Honorable mentions included Pauly D and Sally from Third Rock from the Sun.

Reading 2

Miss Honey, Matilda
Dorothy Zbornak, The Golden Girls
She-Hulk

Stef is strong, sharp, hilarious, observant, clever, and intensely loyal to her community — so I chose characters that balance kindness with strength. Stef is an amazing teacher, who isn’t afraid to stand up for what’s right and make sure that their students have everything they need to blossom into their most authentic selves, just like Miss Honey. They say what they think (and also love Florida) and never fails to make me laugh, but also fiercely stands by their people, just like Dorothy. And you know I had to get a buff person in there too, as both Stef and She-Hulk are a dream combination of brains and brawn.

Kayla

Reading 1

Kirby Reed, Scream 4
Em Haywood, Nope
Kirsty Cotton, Hellraiser & sequels

I tried to follow a theme here because I thought Kayla would really appreciate it (so I hope she does!). Kirby is the first character I thought of because she’s often funny in a dry way and has an almost encyclopedic knowledge on horror cinema. She’s also smart as hell and tends to put the pieces together sooner than others. I thought of Em because she’s hella resourceful and extremely creative! She knows how to do a lot with a little, and yes, I do think K.ayla could save us from an alien invasion. Kirsty is the last one I thought of and it took me a little bit to figure out why. I mean this is a COMPLIMENT in the highest regard…if there is ANYONE in my life who I know could gain the respect of the Cenobites, it’s Kayla for sure.

Reading 2

Paris Geller, Gilmore Girls
Sonja Morgan, Real Housewives of New York City
Yolanda Hadid, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

1. Paris Geller, Gilmore Girls: Kayla has like, 3,000% more self awareness than Paris (thank god!) though in fairness to Paris, she’s a teen! But they do share the same drive and passion, focused fiercely on what they want and how to get it. One time I watched Kayla writing and she just like…did it? Literally just sat down and worked until it was done?? It was one of the most shocking things I’ve ever seen, and it was VERY Paris.

2. Sonja Morgan, Real Housewives of New York City: Sure, technically the women of the Real Housewives franchise aren’t “characters” but…aren’t they? And look, Kayla is 99% more able to take care of herself than Sonja ever will be, but I dare you to find a better time then after Kayla have a couple of glasses of wine! And I will not besmirch her reputation with any more than that!

3. Yolanda Hadid, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: It feels kind of rude to put two housewives on this list as they are…not the best people? But it is Kayla’s fault I am so into this franchise, so there! I honestly feel like this photo speaks for itself, but Yolanda is THE hostess to beat in Beverly Hills, and Kayla takes care of guests the same way, with a gorgeous eye for detail and many many freshly picked lemons.

Meg

Reading 1

Aunt Frances, Practical Magic
Linda Hamilton, Terminator: Dark Fate
The Oracle, The Matrix

I chose these characters for Meg and I don’t think I’ve ever been so right about anything. Aunt Frances from Practical Magic is mostly about a vibe, but also it’s literally about magic, which Meg possesses. Despite the presumably loaded gun strapped to her vest, which I don’t think Meg would carry, Linda Hamilton in this photo — so not Sarah Conner herself, and not Linda Hamilton playing Sarah Conner in Terminator: Dark Fate, but simply Linda Hamilton in this photo — has highkey Meg energy. The hair, the glasses, the set of the shoulders, the smell of leather that you can actually feel in your bones when you didn’t know you could feel smells in your bones, the fact that you would not fuck with her in even the most well-lit alley?? Meg Jones Wall. And finally, The Oracle from The Matrix — Meg knows a lot, really knows what they’re talking about. And through tarot and numerology and years and years of work, they’ve developed tools to help other people see things for themselves, figure themselves out, maybe even figure out the whole damn universe! You just have to crack your mind open a little and pay attention. Meg will lead you to this water and if you decide not to drink it that’s on YOU okay.

Reading 2

Demi, Freeridge
Wednesday, Wednesday
Enola Holmes, Enola Holmes

I just watched On my Block Freeridge and we’re going to ignore the fact that this character has a story arc about owning biphobia she had when she was 12 because that’s not the point here. Demi is knowledgeable about and trusts in her knowledge of things like divination, witches, and tarot and she’s unapologetic. I even found this promo of her on a tarot card. Wednesday from the new show because she is a vibe that feels like it lines up. I am struggling to explain Enola Holmes it just came to me after re-reading some of Meg’s work and it just felt right. Enola is really badass. Also, do I only watch Netflix shows meant for teenagers? Maybe.

Valerie Anne

Reading 1

Willow, Buffy
Elphaba, Wicked
Alex Mack, The Secret World of Alex Mack

I admittedly don’t know Valerie Anne very well, but I do I know that she can only be compared to characters with super powers. Valerie Anne is obviously Willow from Buffy the Vampire Slayer from three reasons: 1. Like Willow, Valerie Anne is a skilled researcher; 2. Like Willow, Valerie Anne is both hilarious and a bit shy; and 3. Like Willow, Valerie Anne knows how to get! Things! Done! (have you seen the number of extensive TV recaps she’s written?)

Anyone who is Willow is also Elphaba from Wicked — I don’t make the rules. And Valerie Anne loves musical theater, so she is most definitely Elphaba.

Valerie Anne is Alex Mack from The Secret World of Alex Mack because she has a bold sense of style (Alex Mack’s fashion hats are akin to Valerie Anne’s colorful hair) uses her powers for good.

Reading 2

Ramona Flowers, Scott Pilgrim vs. The World
Elena Alverez, One Day at a Time
Arizona Robbins, Grey’s Anatomy

1.Ramona Flowers, Scott Pilgrim Vs The World: While I don’t think of Valerie as guarded as Ramona, I do think of her as a person who is kind of quietly badass? Not really a still lake, per se, but a lake with many, many depths. Plus, the hair color, hello!

2. Elena Alverez, One Day at A Time: Nerdy and smart with a big heart? Hello! Elena is always trying to do the right thing, and even if she messes up, she doesn’t let it phase her. She’s undaunted by failure, and driven by a sense of justice I can’t help but admire. And that is VERY Valerie to me!

3. Arizona Robbins, Grey’s Anatomy: I see that I keep coming back to this theme of big hearted softies for Valerie, which is one of her best qualities, in my humble opinion. Arizona is so passionate about the people she cares about, much like Valerie!

Analyssa

Reading 1


Ruby Matthews, Sex Education
Veronica Lodge, Riverdale
April Ludgate, Parks & Rec

It was kinda hard for me to create this meme board ‘cos I don’t know too much about Analyssa! We’ve had a few chats here and there but in our interactions she is chill and assured — and I know that she digs a compliment! It’s giving a shake of Ruby Matthews confident (and hidden sweet) attitude, a bit of Veronica Lodges’ bite, and it’s topped off with a sprinkle of April Ludgate’s always well placed sarcasm. If I’m off the mark then that just means we have to get closer so I can perfectly pin her the next time these come around!

Reading 2

San, Princess Mononoke
Louise, Thelma & Louise
Riley, The Happiest Season

Analyssa gives off a vibe of controlled chaos (in the most kind way possible) and quick wits. San from Princess Mononoke get embodies one end of the spectrum, Louise from Thelma & Louise sits in the middle, and Riley from The Happiest Season bookends it. I also find these characters delightfully different in their similarities — much like the layers of Analyssa.

Sa’iyda

Reading 1

Olivia, Miss You Like Hell
Abuela Claudia, In the Heights
Alison, Fun Home

While I haven’t been lucky enough to meet Sa’iyda in-person, based on the internet and her writing on Autostraddle there are some key things I know. One of those things is she loves musical theatre so I’m going all musicals with these characters. First, adult Alison from Fun Home. I know, I know, this feels too easy because duh gay, but it’s not just that — it’s also the way Sa’iyda is reflective in her writing, especially in thinking about queerness and family. Speaking of family, next is Abuela Claudia from In the Heights. One thing I know about Sa’iyda is how deeply she loves her family and friends. While there are many iconic moms in musical theatre history, I went with Claudia because her mothering (and grandmothering) goes beyond bloodline and extends to community. And, finally, Olivia from Miss You Like Hell. I feel like Sa’iyda thinks about her life through art and fiction, making sense of things through music and movies and books and theatre, as well as her own writing. Nothing says that more to me than an angsty teen on Tumblr who loves literature.

Reading 2

Sidney, Brown Sugar
Liz Lighty, You Should See Me in a Crown
Jen Harding, Dead to Me

A fierce, witty and loving mom (minus all the murder of Dead to Me), plus a music journalist who writes from a place of genuine love for the artists she covers, plus the light and joy, self possession/confidence in her own interests and romantic spirit of adorable teen Liz Lighty all equal up to parts of Sai that she shares with us here everyday. Each of these characters are genuinely delightful to spend time with!

Katie

Reading 1

Korra, Legend of Korra
Moana, Moana
Rebecca Welton, Ted Lasso

Katie came here to do at least three things: fight for equity and justice, educate people in the hopes for a better society for all, and — based on a video I saw of her on Instagram a while back where she lip synced a Demi Lovato song with a presence so commanding and energizing I was briefly worried that I would pull a muscle just watching it — let loose with some mind-blowing karaoke. This is why I’ve chosen Korra (Legend of Korra), who’s out there literally bending the elements to achieve justice and save the whole damn world! And then Moana (Moana), who loves the ocean and is seeking knowledge that she can share, not just with her community but also anyone who’ll listen, how to live and work together in a way that respects everything, because we’re all connected and dependent on each other! And finally, Rebecca Welton (Ted Lasso), who is all business and very much in charge and a little intimidating to people who know they could be doing more with their lives, and can also BELT IT AT KARAOKE. I would give anything for a karaoke night with Katie, and Rebecca. Can you imagine?! Would probably bring me to tears!!

Reading 2

Kara Danvers, Supergirl
Amy Gardner, The West Wing
Elsa, Frozen

As an activist and writer, Katie is constantly standing up for those whose voices have been silenced or ignored, and isn’t afraid to say what needs to be said. I chose characters that are both strong and kind, who lead with compassion but also get shit done. Kara Danvers genuinely loves people, and always does what she feels is right, even when it comes at a personal cost. Amy Gardner’s political savvy and progressive ideals help her stand up to even the most conservative of organizations. I also know that Katie is a big Disney fan, so I had to put Elsa in there: someone who genuinely wants to protect those around her, and who turns something that others see as a weakness into a truly iconic strength.

Christina

Reading 1

Deborah, Hacks
Marcus, Hacks
Ava, Hacks

I wasn’t planning on doing a bit. But the more I thought about it the less this even feels like a bit. Yes, these characters are all on the same show, but they really do seem to capture several different facets of Christina’s personality. She’s one of the funniest people I know, she has lots of emotional walls while also being deeply loving, she pretends she’s a bitch but is really very sweet, when she occasionally parties she really parties, she has an immense reverence toward fabulous older women, and sometimes she herself feels like a fabulous older woman. I love Christina and I love Hacks.

Reading 2

Schmidt, New Girl
Marcus, Hacks
Camille Braverman, Parenthood

Christina is, energetically, equal parts over-the-top gay man and elder straight woman, and I can say this not only because I know it in my heart to be true but because I firmly believe she would agree. By my estimation, Christina has lived two distinct and robust past lives: one as an in-demand celebrity wedding planner and one as a 19th century nobleperson’s wife who spends her days watercoloring and gazing at landscapes. I believe I have successfully captured that here via the gorgeous trifecta of Marcus, Schmidt, and Camille Braverman.

Julie

Reading 1

Judy Funny, Doug
The Radio DJ, The Warriors
Abigail, Stardew Valley

Don’t mistake Julie’s introversion for a lack of perception or a limited spectrum of interests. Julie is in the know. Her cool distance and ability to craft playlists for highly specific scenarios such as “Crying in a Caftan, Smoking a Virginia Slim.” For that reason, she reminds me of the DJ in the 1979 movie, The Warriors, who plays tracks throughout with some secret messages. Julie is also Judy Funny; artsy, stylish, singular and dry. Finally, Abigail, the introverted, fearless, video-game playing goth from Stardew takes Julie’s personality home. Not only are they similar, but Abigail has a way of seeing things that reminds me of Julie’s point of view that I’ve gotten to know through her writing.

Reading 2

Ellie, The Last of Us: Part II
Dana, The Mythic Quest
Alex, True Colors

A few factors went into this but my two main qualifications were: A) I think they’d make a kickass playlist. B) I can imagine playing video games with/watching them play video games. I was torn between Alex and Steph from True Colors because they’re both musically inclined, and while I think Steph would make the better playlist, I chose Alex because I could see her as a Twitch streamer who sometimes played video games and sometimes played music. Maybe I’m biased because I spent too long playing that arcade game in Alex’s apartment. Also now I want to hear a playlist curated by each of these characters.

Reading 3

Carmen de la Pica Morales, The L Word
Sydney, The Bear
Gretchen Grundler, Recess

If you’ve ever read anything by Julie on Autostraddle, you know her playlists are unparalleled, her sandwich making skills are excellent, and she’s a pro when it comes to Scrabble. As such, of course I had to choose the Most Famous And Hottest Fictional Lesbian DJ Of All Time, the best chef in the ultimate show about chefs (The Bear), and the adorable genius from everyone’s favorite childhood cartoon Recess.

Nico

Jess McCready, A League of Their Own
Kristy Thomas, Baby-Sitter’s Club
Willow, Buffy

For Nico, of course, I’m thinking about bosses, people who refused to stay in their boxes, and who changed the shape of the world when they let themselves be free. I’m thinking about embracing magic and witchery. I’m thinking about crafting a vision and inspiring other people to follow it. I’m thinking about being the kind of teammate everyone wants, the kind you can’t win without. (And also the kind that makes playing just so much more fun.) There’s something hidden about all these characters too, something you really have to dig to find, something rare and powerful, something pulsating with life — but you can only see it if you’re willing to be brave too.

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