Welcome to the 27th edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from A+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box because they wanted their questions answered in a space that is not accessible by Google, their mom, their ex, etc. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Previously, we have included such questions in our epic Some Answers to Some Questions You Have Been Asking Us, and in most cases that is still the plan. But some questions were a lot longer or more in-depth and deserved their own place in the sun. Here, the Autostraddle team’s doling out advice on everything from sex and relationships, to friend and family dynamics, career questions, style, and more! We’re doing this column TWICE a month, now.

We solicited answers from the whole team, so let’s dive in!

Editor’s Note: Hello! We love the A+ Advice Inbox and all the many questions you bring to our team. It’s always an amazing learning experience and it’s really beautiful when we come together as a community! That being said, we want to be sure to respect everyone in our community and on our team — and our gender identities. Every month, we receive some messages that start with greetings like “Hi Ladies!” and we just wanted to gently request more inclusive hellos if you’d like to include one! “Howdy humans!” or even just “Hi AS team!” are good examples. Thank you so much for keeping this small adjustment in mind as we continue our work to build a more inclusive space. Xoxo Team AS

Q1:

How do I tell my girlfriend I hate it when she uses baby talk? I’m worried about being controlling over her language and I am happy that she feels safe being small with me but ohmygod it turns me off so much.

A:

Vanessa: Hmm, this question is actually kind of intense even though it is short! I think I have a lot of follow up questions (per usual, lol) but the thing that catches me is when you say “I am happy that she feels safe being small with me” which immediately took my mind to a kink place, wherein it becomes a question of clear negotiations and boundaries during play and sex, but maybe that’s not what you mean. I guess I’m curious what “baby talk” in this scenario does mean! Does she have a high pitched voice and vocal fry? Is she like, nicknaming parts of your body things that don’t feel good or sexy to you? Those are different things, and make for different approaches. If your girlfriend just has a “baby” voice in her day to day life, I’d say you shouldn’t say anything. I once had an ex-partner (my very very very least favorite ex!) yell at me for the way I spoke in restaurants and on the phone because it was “baby-ish”? This was not a cool thing for her to do, especially because I can’t really control that my voice pitches up when I’m nervous, like when I’m ordering food or making a call to a stranger. Anyway, enough about me, back to you. If your girlfriend’s regular voice bothers you, too bad. If she’s employing specific language when you’re just hanging out or being intimate or having sex, or taking on a specific tone, and it’s supposed to be something that is hot and sexy for both of you and it’s deeply turning you off, you need to just tell her it’s not working for you in a kind and direct way. Like all sex conversations, I’d make sure to have this talk when you are NOT having sex or being intimate. Just pick a time when you’re both relaxed and being kind to each other and tell her that baby talk during sex/intimacy is not working for you. That’s a perfectly reasonable feeling and request, but unless you tell her to stop, she won’t know you want her to stop.

Kayla: Like Vanessa, my mind also went right to kink when reading “safe being small with me,” and I agree that if that’s what we’re talking about then it’s probably best to have a conversation about specific boundaries outside of a kink space. If it’s not really kink-related but just something that she does that turns you off, well, that’s a little more complicated because I don’t think it’s necessarily the right approach to come right out and be like I HATE THIS THING YOU DO if it’s just something she does. She might not even realize she’s doing it. If she’s using baby talk during sex, then I think the conversation looks like any other conversation about specific likes/dislikes during sex. Just be like “hey, this really doesn’t do it for me.” But if she just slips into baby voice in her day-to-day and it doesn’t seem like something she specifically does for you or for sexual reasons, then idk what you can really say that won’t come off as judgemental. If it’s just something she does day-to-day then it’s just sorta one of her traits, and we might not love EVERY trait a partner exhibits, but that doesn’t mean we can or should change those traits.

Riese: I also am not sure about the context of this baby talk but with that said — agreed with Vanessa and Kayla re: sex. It’s just a thing you talk about being into or not, like many other sex things! If it’s about life in general, and I guess I am assuming here that it’s something she employs in an intimate or couple-specific context rather than as an overall aspect of her personality — I think if I were your partner, I’d want you to just tell me, but gently? But also I say this as someone who has a lifelong habit of allowing people to control me until I can no longer see straight because I have so much self-loathing and also had um, a very bad ex who made me paranoid forever that everybody around me is harboring deep deep hatred and/or annoyance with me that they aren’t sharing and I’d rather have them share it than live in perpetual wonder! So maybe! I am doing it wrong. But also! If it really drives you nuts eventually it will come out in other ways so maybe it’s better to be straightforward now. I think you could just deliver the information to her that baby talk just kinda irks you for some reason — don’t make it about her, if this is something that always gets your goat. But do not forbid her to use it!! Just tell her. She can do whatever she wants with that information, including continuing to use baby talk with abandon. And then it’s what Kayla said, you might not love EVERY trait your partner exhibits but that doesn’t mean you should try to change them. Also if you find yourself consistently sensitive to sounds like this, you might want to look into misophonia.

Q2:

I can’t deal with my in-laws. They are Trumpers / bigots and very difficult, controlling people. My partner (we’ve been together for 9 years) is an only child and doesn’t want to stir the pot with his family, but I am a Jew, so I don’t really have the option of avoiding it. Several years ago, my partner’s uncle groped me and made anti-semitic and predatory remarks to me; I was very upset and my partner’s parents laughed when I told them and have since then tried to tell me nice stories about this uncle to get me to like him. I no longer go to events with the extended family, but I am hurt that my partner did not stand up for me to his family and doesn’t stand up now. My therapist encourages me to not interfere in his relationship with his family, but I can’t stand them and I feel so angry when I hear him passively accept their racist comments on the phone. How do I deal with this? In every other way he is a loving, supportive person who I respect and enjoy, but I feel that in these family conflicts he does not actively choose me, our beliefs, and our family over his biological one.

A:

Drew: Family is complicated and I understand that everyone has a different relationship to “picking their battles” and “what they’ll put up with.” So my answer to your question is less a piece of advice and more an expression of how it made me feel so you can ponder that and see how it makes you feel. I think most of us let our families get away with things we wouldn’t accept from a friend — after all our biological families are given to us and there is a natural bond. However, there should be limits. And it sounds like your in-laws have gone beyond my limits and your own. Your partner’s decision to not only maintain a relationship with his parents, but to not even stand up for you is, in my opinion, unacceptable. Their bigotry and their reaction to the incident with his uncle are unacceptable. Your partner’s decision to tacitly side with them either shows a lack of moral courage or a lack of values both of which are unacceptable. I’m baffled that your therapist thinks his relationship with his family has nothing to do with you given the circumstances. I understand that your partner is otherwise loving, but I could not personally share a life with someone who made the same choices in this situation as him. I’m really sorry to be so harsh. But you’re not having a slight disagreement with your in-laws. This is about who they are as people, who he is as a person. Politics are not a game — they are values. And those values became all too clear when they ignored the actions of your partner’s uncle.

Malic: I’m so sorry that you’ve been living under such alarming circumstances. I appreciate that you want to respect your partner’s boundaries around family stuff, but it sounds like you’ve been doing that at the expense of your own physical and emotional safety. I agree with Drew. Your partner refused to stand up for you after you were sexually assaulted by his family member, and he’s been tacitly accepting his family’s racist and anti-semetic comments, including comments that were directed at you. Both of those actions are huge, raging red flags. If you haven’t already, tell your partner how you’ve been feeling about his family. Make some specific requests and/or set specific boundaries that would make you feel validated and cared for in the wake of these experiences. If he isn’t willing to give you the things you need in order to feel safe, then get the hell out of that relationship.

Like Drew, I’m also surprised that your therapist is encouraging you to keep the peace. If you’ve told your therapist all the details you outlined in the above question and their response was to “stay out of it,” then I think it might be worth it to try to find a different therapist. You deserve a therapist who will validate your experiences and encourage you to demand the respect you deserve.

Kayla: I am so sorry you have been going through this, and I think you have shown an incredible amount of understanding and empathy toward your partner. But is he really doing the same for you? When it comes to relationships, I think it’s so important to realize what you’re putting in and what you’re getting out. You are putting a lot of work into dealing with the harm inflicted upon you on your own. Your partner isn’t doing any work to help with that. You’ve set boundaries by not attending events with the extended family, but your partner hasn’t set any boundaries of his own. Family is complicated, and I think it’s really hard for people to stand up to their families. But your partner’s family has crossed serious lines over and over again and while you can’t MAKE your partner do anything, you have to decide if you feel safe, loved, and supported even in the event that he really doesn’t ever change on this front. An expectation of support from your partner is NOT equivalent to you interfering with his relationship with his family, and even though I’m not a mental health professional myself I’m a little appalled by your therapist’s advice here. Like Drew said, this isn’t a small disagreement. This is a very, very big deal. So your partner’s passiveness isn’t just a character flaw of his; it’s actively harmful.

Q3:

Hello, Autostraddle friends! The short version of my question is: can you really be friends with an ex?

The longer version is, I met someone on a dating app and we texted/called/video chatted for about a month (we both identify as lesbians). After multiple pandemic precautions, testing and isolating and whatnot, we finally met up. It was wonderful because I felt a huge attraction to them in person and we connected well physically, but after they left I started to sense some distancing. When I asked what was going on in their brain, they said they realized they weren’t in a place to date, it had nothing to do with me, and basically they’re not over their ex (they broke up about a year ago).

What I’m finding hard is that one, I was more emotionally invested in this relationship than I realized. We only talked for about a month and never defined anything, so I can’t even really call them an ex, but this feels like a breakup. And two, part of me wants to stay friends, though I know it’s not healthy for me right now and I need some space to figure out if I really want to be friends or if I just want to kiss their face still.

Any words of wisdom/humor/wit/similar experiences? I know it takes time to process any kind of romantic connection ending, I’m just surprised by how hard this one is hitting me. Much love to you all ❤️

A:

Carolyn: The short answer is yes, you can be friends with an ex. The long but still short answer is, yes you can be friends with an ex, but only once a sufficient amount of self-healing and distance has taken place, and it doesn’t sound like that’s the case here. Take your space.

Drew: I agree with Carolyn, but I also think it’s worth reframing how you think about this specific connection. I am the queen of feeling devastated over non-relationships and something I’ve had to learn is the best way to process them is to process them honestly — to mourn what was real rather than the fantasy. What’s real is you met someone who you had a connection with and we’re in the middle of the pandemic when that is harder than ever. What’s real is after a lot of anticipation and build up you finally met them and were even more smitten than before. What’s real is they didn’t feel the same way and now all your hopes and expectations are ruined. THAT IS ALL VERY REAL AND VERY HARD AND I WANT TO VALIDATE THAT. But, as you said, this person is not an ex and you did not have a relationship. And so it’s important, I think, to acknowledge that you don’t know this person super well and who you’re getting over is the idea you had about them rather than the actual person. You’re mourning the could’ve-been-relationship that was so amazing in your head more than you’re mourning an actual relationship. And I don’t say this with judgement or to say you shouldn’t feel as upset as you do! Again, I am the queen of this very situation. And God the pandemic makes it even harder. But I’ve also made some of my closest friends out of situations like this and I want to help you to get to a place of being friends with this person if that is your ultimate goal. Absolutely take some space to process your feelings, but I think that processing will be quicker and more successful and lay the groundwork for a healthier friendship if you’re honest with yourself about the situation.

Kayla: Yes exes can be friends but it requires the same amount of work that any friendship does and also a reframing/rebuilding: You have to imagine you’re building a new relationship with the person rather than just transposing everything from the previous romantic relationship to a friendly one. The boundaries and behaviors need to shift to fit the new situation. But for you specifically in this current situation, well, you answered your own question by saying it’s not healthy for you right now. Take the space to process your breakup. Don’t feel like you need to couch your breakup with things like “we only talked for about a month.” If you’re heartbroken, you’re heartbroken. Breakups even in casual situations can suck a lot! So take the space and time to heal and then reassess if you really do want friendship. But also keep in mind that they might not want a friendship. The only way exes can be friends is if both people genuinely want it and are willing to work toward it.

Q4:

I’ve been enjoying the dating advice series, and I’m wondering if you have any advice for how to date as a demisexual. I’m in my 30s but only recently started identifying as queer and demisexual. I haven’t ever really dated and have no idea how to start. I’ve only ever liked/dated one person and that ended in a pretty devastating heartbreak for me. Because I need a strong emotional connection to feel attraction, and because it takes me a long time to develop such a connection, I’m worried about leading people on. But the last thing I want to do is hurt anyone. How do I navigate this?

A:

Himani: I don’t personally identify specifically as demi, but let’s just say there are more than a few parts of your experience I can really relate to, so I’m going to do my best to offer some guidance with the full disclosure that I am still trying to figure much of this out for myself. I’m also operating under the assumption that everyone is basically just online dating these days and really have nothing to offer in terms of other types of dating situations if you live in, for instance, New Zealand.

Since your main question, it seems, is centered around being worried about leading people on, the primary suggestion I have for that is to be really honest and upfront from the beginning and all throughout. I have seen profiles where people explicitly identify as demi and other parts of the ace spectrum. If you’re comfortable putting that out there publicly in that way, that is one way to be really transparent so that people who are messaging you have some ideas around what you’re looking for when you’re dating. Whether you put it on your profile or not, though, I think the most important thing is to have direct and honest conversations with anyone who you are starting to hit it off with and chat with regularly, especially if it seems like they are becoming increasingly interested in or attracted to you. That’s not specific to being demi, either, I think that’s just generally sound dating advice so that you’re both on at least similar pages in terms of how you’re each thinking about how things are going between you.

The thing to keep in mind is that while there are seemingly infinite people out there who experience physical attraction in ways that I truly cannot wrap my mind around, I’ve also encountered plenty of people who similarly want to take things slow and get to know each other. If you’re worried about leading on the former, I think this is where the honesty and transparency will keep you out of trouble because they will move onto chatting with other folks who are responding to them with what they’re looking for. As to the latter, again, communication is your friend, but you’ll likely have more time as they probably aren’t in any particular rush to move things along either. Honestly, in many ways, I think the pandemic may actually help you out a bit in this situation. It gives you an opportunity to really get to know people through virtual means before you ever have to meet them in person.

In terms of how to get started dating — just do it. You might find it deeply uncomfortable at first, so you try for a week, and then you delete the app, and then a month later you come back to it or a different one. That’s ok; that’s also part of the process.

Q5:

Hope you’re all well with your new chief homie, another kiwi bird writing in from New Zealand where we’re very happy for y’all!

SO! I’m, uh, kinda accidentally dating two people at once? And none of us are polyamorous, and they don’t know about each other, and I’m the bad guy because although I like both of them I’m leaning pretty hard on one girl to become a relationship.

Southern girl knew me in high school and we started sleeping together during uni break when she came to my hometown to see her folks. We caught feelings and now we’re trying an open long distance thing… but we’ve had the conversation to make it exclusive if we still have the good feelings when I make it down there in two weeks.

Meetcute is a girl at my coffee shop (I’m the barista.) After making cow eyes at each other across the counter for months we matched on tinder and we’re ridiculously good together.

I…. don’t know what to do. I don’t want to screw either of them other, (this has been going on three weeks now,) and I have real feelings for South, but MC and I keep having cute dates and she’s coming to lunch with my colleagues this weekend and I’ve met her housemates, which is normally a yay! situation, but in this case I am stuck at the point of indecision who I break it off with and who I do the scary thing and ask out more seriously.

They… kinda know about each other. South left a hickey on me which MC saw, leading into the convo about open relationships etc, and she’s truly not phased. Before *the big confession,* south and I were chatting and my second date with MC was discussed, but she hasn’t asked about it since. And I haven’t brought it up because she really likes me and I know it would hurt her.

And…. I don’t know! South and I have chatted about being exclusive, MC and I have not although we have talked about how it wouldn’t bug her if I was sleeping with other people.

And they’re both so wonderful in very different ways. And I have feelings for both of them. It’s kinda made me question if maybe I am poly? But I don’t think so??

Anyway, some tough love and wise words would be appreciated. Because I know this is going to keep going deeper if I let it and I don’t need to break anyone’s heart.

Thanks!

A:

Vanessa: Babe. BABE. You aren’t “the bad guy” because I don’t really believe in “good” and “bad,” but you are making some pretty selfish choices and trying to skate by with a lack of accountability to yourself and to your dates, and it’s gotta stop. I know you know this because otherwise you wouldn’t have written to us asking for tough love and wise words, so I’m just amplifying what you already know. It’s time to change this situation — immediately! Please take some action as soon as you finish reading this.

You are not “accidentally” dating two people at once. You made some choices to start dating two people at the same time, you have not been 100% honest with either of them (or perhaps even yourself!) about this reality, and you are looking to course correct. That’s great. Let’s course correct.

Sit down by yourself and think about what you really want to happen. Are you trying to casually date two people at once? Do you want a monogamous relationship? Are you committed to the INTENSE HONESTY AND COMMUNICATION required to experiment with polyamory? Figure out what you ideally would like out of this situation — I need you to be PAINFULLY honest with yourself — and once you have decided, let both of your dates know what’s up. It’s possible that both of them will want to keep dating you in some capacity, it’s possible that one or both will no longer be interested, it’s possible that no matter what choice you make you’ll all end up single and broken hearted in six months. But it’s time to put an end to this narrative where you’re in charge and these other two people are just supporting characters in your advice box question. Now go be honest and live your best life, whatever that may look like when everyone involved is informed and granted information they need to have the agency they deserve!

Kayla: It does sound a little bit to me like the question beneath your question is Who Should I Be With? It sounds like you’re maybe not interested in polyamory but you are looking to change the current situation (which, I agree with Vanessa, is a situation that should be course-corrected because it seems like you’re not being totally honest with anyone here—maybe even yourself). So then it really comes down to making a choice. And only you can make that choice. I don’t think you’re the “bad guy” either, but I do think that you’re only thinking of this situation in terms of yourself instead of caring about the people you’re dating. I don’t think you’d be screwing either of them over by being more forward with them and possibly ending things with one of them. Your indecision is absolutely understandable, but you can’t let your inability to decide affect these other two people. Yes, making a choice is scary. Many of life’s choices are scary! But to not decide is to keep yourself stuck in a less-than-ideal situation and also keep these other people stuck in a situation where it seems like there isn’t great communication at the moment.

Q6:

How do you make space for someone’s awesome accomplishments while also being absolutely beside yourself at it? As in, thoughts on how to not feel guilty for feeling your feelings [of sadness] while simultaneously being super excited for someone? (I know the real answer here is probably something along the lines of “explore why this is so difficult/bringing up such sadness” with a mental health professional, and yet, here I am in the A+ box instead.) Thank you!

A:

Valerie: I don’t think there’s anything wrong with feeling both things. Humans are complicated beasts capable of feeling joy and sadness about the same situation! I think the important thing is to not put any of that sadness or jealousy on the other person; just share the excitement part with them, and share the stuff that makes you feel a little icky with another friend or person you trust. It’s hard, but I think instead of trying to not feel the sadness, just feel it. And sure, maybe explore or examine why you do feel that way, but mostly know that it’s okay! Your feelings are valid.

Malic: I agree with Valerie — there’s space for both of those feelings, and as long as you’re not putting your envy on the other person, then you can let yourself feel the sadness and move on. I also want to add that unless you’re directly competing with someone else for a specific opportunity, another person’s accomplishment doesn’t diminish your potential for success. Do you feel jealous? That’s ok! Use the icky feelings as fuel to get curious. How did this person achieve that goal? Are there steps you can be taking now so you can get to that place, too? And don’t forget to celebrate your own successes, even the small ones. Surround yourself with friends who validate your accomplishments, and validate your own damn self, too! I once had a therapist tell me to literally pat myself on the back every time I felt proud of something. It’s goofy, but the ritual helps me acknowledge my little victories.

Kayla: It’s a bit difficult to answer this in concrete details without more specifics about your situation, but I do agree with the general sentiments expressed by both Valerie and Malic that you should allow yourself to feel multiple feelings about something so long as you aren’t using those feelings against other people or trying to take away their joy. Venting to a friend who doesn’t know the other person can be useful. If it is jealousy you’re feeling, instead of trying to just quash it, redirect the energy elsewhere (and as far away from the other person as possible). Focus on yourself and your goals without getting in your head about where this other person is. Feeling guilty is only going to compound the sadness. Let yourself feel how you feel and then remind yourself that you are in control of your life and the successes or failures of others do not define you.

Q7:

Hi lovely creative writers!
I’m looking for some non-gendered wordsmithing help.
First: pillow princess for someone who is not a princess? Pillow person makes me feel like I’m fucking the Michelin man and pillow pet is …something. But I want alliteration!
Second: Portmanteau for clit/clitoris and cock or dick? One of my partners (they’re probably reading this–hi!) likes “clock” but I wanted to see if y’all had other ideas.
Thanks from a sex-word-loving queer!

A:

Malic: I’ve seen “pillow prince/ss,” which works if you’re texting a partner, but it doesn’t work when you’re speaking out loud.

I appreciate your love of portmanteaus, but there are finite options here. If your partner digs “clock,” then keep on telling that partner how much you want to worship that clock (or whatever). The most common gender-neutral word for genitals that I’ve seen is “bits,” so that’s another option. The most important thing is that your partner feels affirmed and turned on by the words you’re using, so make sure you run new options by them before you try them out.

Q8:

Hello beautiful Autostraddle! I am seeking advice about how to navigate and address racial and gendered power dynamics in my intimate partnership. I am a white cis queer woman and my partner is a Black, queer, gender-complicated-but-male-presenting amab person (usually read as a cis guy). We both have various levels of chronic health or disability of different kinds, and both value keeping our complex power dynamics in view as we navigate interpersonal things.

But lately we are both feeling frustrated with the blindspots of the other person and being put in the “educator” role. We are both struggling, in different ways, with how to bridge the gap of “I need you to recognize this fucked up thing” and “I don’t want to have to calmly teach you about why this is fucked up when I am upset.” When I look for advice about navigating race and gender in relationships, it is all super-hetero and alienating. It’s also mostly basic, like just saying “everybody should acknowledge how they need to grow and work on it” – but, like, we have acknowledged it and are both committed to growing in general, but what does that actually look like when one of us embodies white supremacy or misogyny without realizing it? How do we help each other learn and grow without having to be the teacher? We need real tools to navigate these moments!

A:

Himani: You say you’re both “committed to growing in general” — to be honest, I’m not really sure what you mean by this? I think what you need is to be committed to growing in specific terms. For instance, are you both doing what is, essentially, required reading on white supremacy and misogyny even if you aren’t talking to each other about it? Are you keeping up with the news as it relates to the issues the other person has to live with? When one of you is in the place of “I need you to recognize this fucked up thing” rather than that person explaining why it’s fucked up, is the other person doing their homework to read up on what happened and get perspectives from people of their partner’s identity who were paid to break down why the situation is fucked up? And also, are you both educating yourselves on the intersection points of race and gender, because even if that intersection doesn’t affect either of you quite as directly, it’s still a critical part of these issues.

I also think this is where turning to your friends can be really helpful, assuming your friend groups are diverse and also (at least somewhat) distinct. Friends can help commiserate with us and figure out how to navigate the specifics of a situation where we’re feeling hurt and not understood by our romantic partners. Your friends can also be there for you to discuss the topics your partner is facing without you having to rely on your partner. If one or both of you don’t have friends that you can count on in that way, that may be an area to try to expand each of your networks by attending groups committed to allyship on the issues your partner has to navigate in the world.

And the last piece I’ll offer is perhaps you may want to consider — if even after all those steps, you or your partner is feeling overwhelmed or frustrated by the “educator” role at what point do those feelings start to outweigh the things you enjoy about your relationship? I’m not saying to end things tomorrow. But if you find you’re clashing on these issues a lot and even after taking more concrete steps to address them, it’s still a problem, it may be time to (a) visit a culturally competent couple’s counselor who can help you both navigate this in a safe environment or (b) consider if you’re still getting what you want out of this relationship.

Q9:

My father is an addict (alcohol and cocaine). I didn’t learn this until college, although the addictive behaviors began when I was in grade school and we lived under the same roof. He has also been diagnosed with bipolar II. He goes through periods of sobriety/taking medication, up to several years at a time. In the past 18 months, he has relapsed several times, and I have noticed manic behavior. I don’t normally raise my observations/concern, and when I do I am usually gaslit. Recently things came to a head. After ignoring me for 3 days when I shared some important news, he told me that he relapsed on drugs (which he usually denies) and apologized. He said he was extremely ashamed. When I spoke to my stepmother, I learned some unsavory details of his behavior that I honestly wish I didn’t know. He lives two hours away, so this is mostly happening over phone/text, with occasional outdoor interaction.

I know I am not responsible for his sobriety. But I still feel sad, worried, and angry when he doesn’t respond to my texts, or when he gaslights me, or when I’m on the receiving end of his manic behavior (which usually involves excessive talking about himself, or blaming other people/complaining). I don’t want to cut him out. For most of my life, he has been loving, caring, and supportive. He suffered trauma in his childhood and lost an infant child (my half-sister). This is weighing heavily on me, and I feel isolated. I am looking for advice/resources on healing and creating healthy boundaries. Do you know of any good books or resources for adult children of addicts? I also want to find a support group, but I’m not sure where to start. I’ve read online about AlAnon, and I’m concerned it might feel too religious. I also went on the AlAnon subreddit, and it felt really negative. Maybe it’s still worth a shot? I do see a therapist individually. I’ve done some googling about all this, but I also really value any suggestions from the awesome AS team. Thank you for reading this; it was longer than I intended.

A:

Rachel: This is such a tough thing to navigate, and I am so so glad that you’re looking into ways to resource & support yourself. Being impacted by addiction (whether directly, via a loved one, caretaking, etc) is like an extreme leveled up test of every skill set combined, and definitely therapy & general working on yourself always helps, but doing some kind of work specific to how addiction works is so helpful and I think will be really clarifying and help you feel less crazy and ashamed around a lot of stuff you may not even have known was child-of-addict stuff.

I hear you about AlAnon sounding religious an intense; it definitely can be, and there are a lot of valid criticisms and concerns around the larger family of AA programs; a lot of people also find them helpful, and it’s totally possible to just check it out or go occasionally, without committing to it for life. Like AA, AlAnon changes a lot from meeting to meeting; you might find a meeting that comprises largely white 55+ year old people religious or alienating, but a meeting mostly composed of other young people or queer people might not be. I’d also point you to at least two other classic resources that might feel more approachable: Codependent No More, Melody Beattie’s book that’s definitely used a lot in AlAnon but is super helpful on its own, and resources for Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA). (I know your dad’s addiction isn’t only to alcohol, but will still be helpful!) The actual org, linked above, is very 12-step-based; the concept overall though and ACoA acronym will lead you to a lot of related resources; a classic is Perfect Daughters: Adult Daughters of Alcoholic Fathers (although I don’t know if you are a “daughter” per se, might still be worth checking out!).

I get the sense from your question (and maybe impacted by the subreddit) that everyone with any experience is going to tell you that the only way to move forward is to cut off contact with your dad, maybe with the clause that you could reconsider if he undergoes a dramatic recovery. I definitely don’t think you need to do that, not unless you decide farther down the road that you want to, on your own. What I am hearing is that you haven’t had a chance to really work on what his addiction has meant for your relationship with him or for you on your own very much, as you only really were able to even name it relatively recently, and you’re not sure what it looks like to try to have a healthy relationship in light of that. I think there’s definitely a lot that will eventually be helpful to you in terms of boundary setting and will really help your relationship with your dad, but I also think it will be really helpful to learn a little more about how his addiction has impacted you as a person and how you can start to heal some of the effects of that. I think a lot of the changes you may need to make to your relationship may come kind of organically on their own when you’re able to start caring for yourself and addressing your own needs on this issue. Even if you don’t feel like you want some kind of twelve step vibe (totally fair!) it may be really helpful to even look for just support groups either IRL or online for adult children of addicts and build a little bit of a support system as you work on this.

I get the sense you are hoping to maybe have some boundaries or how to enact them suggested to you, because the only one you’re really getting on reddit is to cut him off totally – unfortunately I don’t think I can, because those are going to vary so much from person to person and relationship to relationship. Some people might have a boundary that they don’t want the person to contact them or spend time with them while drunk/high; some people might have total sobriety as a condition for some things; it really depends on what specific behaviors linked to addiction have been harmful to you and identifying what you would need to not experience that harm anymore. For instance, you’re saying that it hurts to reach out to your dad and have him ignore you — a boundary for you might look like saying “I really want to have you involved in my life but it makes me feel abandoned and rejected when I text or call and you never respond, so I need you to start initiating time we spend together or conversations we have. I don’t want to stonewall you and I want to spend time with you, but it hurts to be the one making all the effort, so from now on we’ll spend time together when you reach out to make the plans.” This is why I think it’s key to do some personal work first and identify where addiction is impacting you right now and how, and that will guide you to where and what kind of boundaries are helpful to draw.

Good luck, I’m rooting for you <3

Q10:

This year has been hard (understatement of the century) and I’d really like nothing more than to be able to talk to my best friend about everything I’m dealing with. I’m not a person who gets close to people easily. I have a few close friends, but really only one best friend, and as far as talking to someone about the serious, heavy stuff in my life, she’s basically it. But she had a baby in May, and has been basically impossible to reach ever since. We spoke a lot the first few months of the pandemic, and then when she had her baby I gave her space and didn’t bother her too much, figuring she’d call when she had time. And she did a few times, we talked just after her son was born and again in June around Father’s Day. But that’s literally been it since then.

She’s never been a very good texter, and since we live in different cities our primary mode of communication has always been on the phone. I still text her regularly, just to check in and say hi, mostly just on special occasions. Just a quick hi, hope you’re doing well, type of thing. But when we made plans to have a longer call, she bailed on them every time. Sometimes with an excuse, and sometimes without any notice or reason given.

Eventually, she apologized for being so MIA, explaining that life with a newborn was hard and her husband wasn’t being especially helpful and assuring me she wasn’t ignoring me on purpose. I told her I completely understood, that I wish I could be there to help her, and that I really had tried to give her space, but I also made it clear that that there was a lot going on in my life too, and I really needed to talk to her.

That was November, and nothing has changed. I still text her on special occasions, we still make plans for longer phone calls, and she has still bailed every time. I started seeing a therapist in September for the first time, specifically because I needed someone to talk to who was not my partner, since my best friend wasn’t available. But that didn’t work out and now I’m in the process of looking for a new therapist, and in the meantime, still feeling like I have no one to talk to.

My question for you really is – how much slack do I give her? I understand that she just had a baby, and that’s unquestionably hard, and that everyone is bad at keeping in touch during a pandemic. But on the other hand, she’s not working, and I think I’ve been pretty clear that I need some support, and she hasn’t been there for me for more than 6 months now. I’m not ready to end this friendship, but I do recognize that maybe I need to depend on her less and focus on opening up to other friends. That’s definitely something I talked about with my therapist, and I am trying to work on, but it’s definitely not easy, especially when everything is virtual.

This feels so meta, that I’m asking for help for how to ask for help. But any advice you have would be appreciated.

A:

Valerie: One thing I noticed in this question is that you mentioned that when your friend became less available because of her new baby, you sought out a therapist to fill in that hole you felt she left, and I think it’s important to consider that maybe this means you were leaning too much on this friend to play that therapist role. It always feels easier, I know, to lean on someone you’re close with for that emotional support, but the truth is, putting all your emotional eggs in this one friend basket isn’t healthy for you OR for her. It’s too much pressure on her, who even if she is a therapist by trade, is not YOUR therapist, and on you, who deserves to have more than one (busy!) person to lean on when you need to talk. I think also you’re underestimating how much work an infant is, physically and emotionally, and how they need almost constant attention basically until they reach some kind of school or daycare age, if not longer, and as you acknowledged, there’s a global pandemic…so I guess my short answer to you is: a lot of slack. Give her all the slack. But also give yourself from slack and find more sources of support.

Meg: I just want to echo what Valerie is saying, because I think it’s an important point – it can be really easy to always turn to the same person (or few people) for emotional support, but these days every one of us has a lot less bandwidth than usual. We’re all running on fumes. And I do understand that you miss your friend and value her support, but I think that the best thing you can do for yourself is to broaden your circle a little bit, and let a few other friends in. Being able to reach out to your friend when you’re able to also hold some space for her needs and stresses will likely be good for both of you, and might help you release any resentment you’re feeling towards her right now.

Himani: You don’t say anything about how long you’ve been friends with this person and, specifically, since what age, what time frames you’ve gone through (high school, college? etc.) I only bring that up because it sounds like you, and your friend had a shared history of being incredibly close in a particular way, and now that has changed. It can be really hard when friendships change. It can be incredibly hard to realize that a friend is deciding to prioritize other aspects of their life and that you will have less and less space in it. And socially, it feels like there are no allowances for that type of grief, no space for that mourning. Your friends will rally around you after a breakup, but often people hear “my friend has become distant after having a baby” and react by intimating that you’re being unfair or unreasonable to the friend.

There are two things I’d like to offer you. First, make space for your own feelings about the changes in your friendship separate from your friend. Your friend is not at fault for being tied up with her newborn, but that doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to have feelings about the distance you’re experiencing in your friendship. The intimacy and intensity of friendship swings a lot over the course of life, especially in adulthood, as everyone’s time becomes pressed by different priorities and life decisions. Sometimes those shifts can be substantial and painful, and you’re allowed to mourn that. But again, separately from your friend, and the reason I say that brings me to my second point.

Relationships (of any kind, I mean) aren’t built on expectations. They are built on communication, trust and care. It seems like you’re feeling slighted and hurt because your friend isn’t meeting your expectations and, as a result, are conflating their absence from your friendship with a lack of caring about your friendship. While you’re allowed to feel hurt, you have to also acknowledge that you’re making assumptions about how she’s doing and how she’s feeling about your friendship (and, of course, life in general right now), given that you haven’t actually been able to connect with her. This is where the trust and care come in. Sometimes, with your friends, you just have to give them grace and space because you care about them, and you have to trust that they’ll come back when they have the capacity to do so. You can end the friendship if you want, but I would give yourself some space to reflect on this as well, before you do. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized, there’s something incredibly special about holding onto friendships with people I was very close with, where we grew apart because of life circumstances. Oh, it was painful when our friendships changed, for sure — I don’t mean to dismiss that part. But coming out the other side, I do dearly love having these people that I can connect to immediately because of our previous closeness, when we do both have the time for each other.

I hear you when you say “there was a lot going on in my life too.” But as Meg and Valerie have said, you do need to work on expanding your circle. It can be hard to open up to other people, especially when you haven’t had that type of relationship before. But given what you were able to create with your friend, you have to believe in yourself that you’ll be able to do it again and start working on creating closer connections with more people. I know you’re working on getting a therapist, but one thing you may also want to consider working on with them, is, perhaps, how you can support yourself too? Of course we need all kinds of friends and relationships in our lives because we aren’t solitary beings. But we also need to be able to comfort ourselves when things are hard and everyone’s tied up in their own lives (which is especially true during the pandemic because as Meg said, “we’re all running on fumes”).

Malic I agree with Meg, Valerie and Himani – you need to expand your support network. One person can’t serve all of our needs. It’s clear that this friend is really important to you, and it sounds like the best way you can care for her right now is to give her space. She’s raising a newborn during a pandemic — it makes sense that she can’t be there for you in the ways that you’re used to.

I also want to challenge your statement that your friend is “not working” right now. Your friend is absolutely working — she is doing the incredibly demanding work of raising a child without much help. Our entire economy runs on the unpaid labor of motherhood, and when we fail to recognize that labor, we’re egregiously disrespecting parents. Fortunately, babies grow up and no longer require 24/7 care, so your friend will probably come back around if you give her space while she’s navigating early child rearing.

Rachel: In addition to the great insights offered above, I’d love to think about whether there’s any room you can offer on your side of things in terms of flexibility or change to respond to the major change in your friend’s life if you want to still have more connection with her – I get that your friend isn’t big on texting and you mostly talked on the phone, but that level of undivided attention to a call can be difficult to impossible with the constant needs of a baby (and to be honest when the baby doesn’t urgently need something, she probably really needs to sleep). I hear that you mostly want to process verbally with your friend, but can you meet her halfway at all and try to think of other ways to stay connected and keep your relationship alive so when she’s more able to be present you can talk more? Could you watch a movie together over text or facetime while she feeds the baby, or eat meals together on facetime? Play Words with Friends or something so you’re at least interacting a little bit throughout the day? I know you wanted to give her space with the new baby, but to be honest it’s possible she’s also feeling abandoned and like no one in her life wants her around anymore unless she can be exactly the same as she was without kids; i think it would go a long way for your relationship if you showed with your actions that you wanted to find ways to still spend time with her that felt good to her.

Q11:

A no brainer question and the obvious answer is of course “you do you” – but I still struggle.
can I be attracted to certain body types or moreso *not* be attracted to certain body types (f.i. big breasts) – and can that be a reason for not wanting a relationship with somebody? like a perfectly fine human being, but I do not feel attracted physically so I do not see us in a romantic relationship? (but could perfectly see us hanging out amically) like is not being attracted physically a valid reason for not falling in love? or is this just a secret defense and something to “get over / work through”? (alas no access to therapy rn)

I start to feel tense when I think about ruling over my gut feeling, at the same time I question myself if I am being too picky.

A:

Drew: Not being attracted to someone is absolutely a valid reason not to date them. In fact, please do not date someone you’re not attracted to. That would be very bad for all involved. That said. Our attractions are absolutely influenced by things like racism, transphobia, fatphobia, and ableism and you should absolutely observe who you’re attracted to and work on unpacking how your attractions are influenced by those things. THAT SAID. Do not do that work through another person. Again, it’s not helping anyone to force yourself to be with someone you don’t want to be with. Alternately, if the main issue here is just pickiness then I do think it’s worth also unpacking whether you’re coming up with excuses to dismiss people as a way of avoiding vulnerability. That’s a possibility. You also might just be picky and that’s okay. With all that covered the simple answer is: not being attracted to someone physically is a valid reason not to date them. I’d say that’s what friendship is for but I’m physically attracted to all my friends so I can’t relate.

Christina: I agree with, oh, let’s say everything Drew said above, so this is just a little extra tidbit from someone who has been told she is “too picky” on the rare occasions I attempt to date. A lot of the time? I am getting in my own way! Either because I am uncomfortable with the work of opening up to someone, or am just not really in a place where I want to be dating. Which is okay! But it’s helpful to be honest with yourself about it—we all know our preferences aren’t created in a vacuum, and a lot of the time, our ability or inability to be vulnerable and open with people isn’t either! It can be good to be picky, you deserve a partner you are attracted to—but don’t let that stop you from, you know, trying to get to know people entirely.

Q12:

Hiii!! I’m 25. I have something that has been on my mind. It’s a dating question but it kinda goes beyond COVID so … anyway, I’ve known for a long time that I would want to eventually want to get married someday. I can’t help but smile at the thought of being/having a wife. But the particular problem I’m having is when I DO meet someone who wants the same. The thing is I don’t want kids. I have my reasons, which none are about me thinking I’d be bad at it. I just simply don’t desire to. I just don’t see it for myself and I’m generally open to someone changing my mind and making an exception. Like…If she/they already had a kid that’s no longer a baby then…MAYBE. and I only say that because even though I know I don’t want to be a mom, I haven’t really thought about how I felt about being a STEP mom, so I guess that’s open for discussion..? At the very least, I’m not giving birth nor dealing with a infant. I’m figuring it out with my therapist on that logic lol. Getting to the point, most people I meet who also want to get married someday ALSO want kids and a family. And that makes sense, it’s sort of a package deal I guess? But I feel like I’m the only one that ONLY wants the marriage part. And most people that don’t want kids either, don’t see themselves getting married either. I feel like I’d have to give up one or the other but I don’t want to end up resenting the other person. And I keep seeing these videos and opinions about how sexist, objectifying, and heteronormative a wedding is. And I totally get it, but for lesbians, I’m not sure how that still applies. Personally, I’d elope if I had to, I really just love the idea of a marriage kind of bond. I’d like to get some other people’s thoughts on this. Am I stuck on a some way of thinking? I just don’t know what the chances are I’ll meet someone that wants the same things I do.

Meg: Please let me be the first to tell you that it is absolutely possible and okay to want to get married and not be interested in having children! I was married for 11 years without children, and while there were a lot of straight people in my life (most specifically my parents) who simply could not fathom this choice, there were also plenty of other people who understood and supported me – especially other queer folks. We are out here!

Christina: Hello yes, all of this is possible! Very possible! Honestly, the majority of queer folks I know aren’t particularly interested in having kids—some are sure that will never change, others are kind of like “eh, maybe?” but I would like to add my voice to Meg’s and say you are certainly not alone! And a lot of people have complicated feelings about marriage! If a marriage bond and celebrating that bond with people who love you and your partner is important to you, that’s great! While I can’t predict you will meet the perfect person to settle down with, I can absolutely tell you that your wants are not impossible, and you are certainly not alone!

Malic: You’re not alone! I know plenty of straight and queer couples who are married and have no plans to have kids. If you’re finding that most potential partners assume that you want kids when you say that you imagine yourself being married someday, it might make sense to change your approach. What is it about marriage that appeals to you? Is it the long-term commitment? Do you like the idea of having a wedding? Do you want the legal benefits? Share the specific aspects of marriage that are exciting to you. Sometimes people get caught up in their own idea of marriage, but marriage and long-term relationships look different for everyone. The more clear you are on your future desires, the more likely you are to find a partner who aligns with you.

Himani: Hi, I am here to say that while everything Meg, Christina and Malic have said above is probably true, I also commiserate deeply with you. Honestly, even setting marriage specifically aside, it seems like everyone on dating apps either wants kids and/or is poly and/or has a dog. (That last one truly defies logic, but this is also why data is meaningless when it comes to living your day to day life. But, I digress.) The only bit of advice I have to offer you is something I got from my therapist which is: the pool has shrunk during the pandemic because a lot of people are frustrated with the nightmare that is dating right now. It sucks, and I’m not saying to give up right now, but I am saying that your experience is real, and I can relate to it, and perhaps there is hope that you’ll find what you’re looking for in the future.

Kayla: Wow I can so absolutely assure you that there are loads of queer folks who want to get married but not have kids! In fact, I think the close association of marriage and having children is actually tied up in heteronormative ideas of the nuclear family, which may be causing some internalized biases on your part. Like I fully believe that you’ve encountered people for whom marriage and kids are both goals, but I’m telling you that’s just one small pool. A lot of dating—especially when the goal is a long-term relationship—involves finding people with the same/compatible wants/goals in life, which yes, can take a lot of time and work! But don’t self-sabotage by assuming that there’s no one else out there who wants what you want, because I’ll say it again, there are so many people who want what you want!

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