Welcome to the 23rd edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from A+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box because they wanted their questions answered in a space that is not accessible by Google, their mom, their ex, etc. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Previously, we have included such questions in our epic Some Answers to Some Questions You Have Been Asking Us, and in most cases that is still the plan. But some questions were a lot longer or more in-depth and deserved their own place in the sun. We’re doing this column TWICE a month, now.

We solicited answers from the whole team, so let’s dive in!

Q1:

Hii! Y’all are the best. My fiance and I want to have a nice little (meaning just the 2 of us) elopement in the next few months and I want to know if you have advice on finding/planning a nice COVID-safe elopement photographer/officiant. We are in Indiana and want to make it ideally a nature-filled elopement because that is also easier for distancing. All the queer photographers and officiants I follow are in Colorado or California which isn’t the most useful for this moment. Thank you for any and all advice <3
Sam (They/Them/Theirs) and Sarah (she/her/hers)

A:

Kayla: Congratulations! My short answer for you is to search Instagram! But it’s obviously a little more complicated than just typing “queer wedding photographer in indiana” in the IG search bar. There are soooo many LGBTQ wedding photographers who use Instagram as the main way to reach people. There are also a lot of Instagram accounts (like @dancingwithher and @dancingwiththem) that repost queer wedding photos and tag the original photographers and other vendors, and while it will take work clicking through those tags to see if there are any in your area, it’s one way to find people! Also, a lot of queer wedding photographers follow each other on Instagram, so if there’s someone you like who isn’t in your state, it could be worth sliding into their DMs to ask if they have someone they can refer in your area. And if you really want to take your Instagram hunt to the next level, I recommend using a social media service like Hootsuite or SocialRank, because an annoying thing about Instagram is that you can’t search for multiple hashtags at once. But these other services (which usually offer free 30 day trials!) DO allow you to search multiple tags at once so that you can search for posts that are tagged #indiana AND #queerweddingphotography or something like that!

Nicole: Kayla’s so right. I think Instagram’s the place to go for this. After some googling, I found that you can go to equallywed.com to search for LGBTQ wedding vendors near you. It turns up one photographer for Indianapolis but I wasn’t sure exactly where you’re located so maybe you’ll have some different results. They have a blog with photos of other LGBTQ weddings, including recent situations which may give you some ideas for intimate, elopement-style affairs. (I’m pretty sure they also have an Instagram account.) Congrats and happy planning!

Q2:

I recently found out that my partner withheld information from me out of concern for my mental health. “What information?” you ask. That their roommate HAD BEEN EXPOSED TO COVID. When my partner found out, they were already over at my apartment for a planned stay of a few days, and just prior to coming over, they had tested negative. They said that they were afraid I would spiral out if I knew, but they realize now that they made a mistake and they’re very sorry. This was a few weeks ago, and no one has COVID, but that doesn’t change the fact that they really should have told me.

There are two things about this situation that I’m having trouble getting my head around. First, I have told them that what I need to make informed decisions during the pandemic is information. I have roommates too, one of whom was at their boyfriend’s apartment (he lives alone). If I had known, I could have told my roommate to stay there for a couple of weeks instead of putting them at risk too. I could have quarantined for 14 days to avoid putting my broader community at risk while running errands.

The other thing I’m struggling with is that they made a decision FOR me about my mental health. They continue to think that my anxiety is primarily contamination-related, but actually (and I’ve told them this), my worst and most prevalent invasive thought is that I am a danger to other people. And the fact that they COULD have given me COVID, and I COULD have given it to other people is giving that part of my brain a lot of fodder. And I HAVE a therapist and a psychiatrist, and managing my mental illness is not my partner’s responsibility!

They understand how deeply they have hurt me. They have apologized profusely and promised they won’t withhold information from me again. I WANT to forgive them and move on from this (after all, no one actually got COVID). There is so much that I love about our relationship, and we’ve shared so much joy together over the last 18 months, even during the pandemic. I don’t want to lose them… but I don’t know if I can trust them anymore.

I guess what I’m looking for advice on is how to rebuild that trust that’s lost. Is that possible? Do you think it’s worth trying?

A:

Kayla: You’re right. Your partner should have told you. And not just because you’ve been clear with them that you need all relevant information in order to make informed decisions about your behavior in this pandemic but because it’s what ANYONE should have done in your partner’s situation. Our governments have failed us by withholding information and, in some cases, spreading misinformation about COVID-19. It therefore has become our responsibility as individuals to take care of ourselves and our communities. Because the government isn’t doing shit!!!!!! We have to take care of each other, and by withholding information, your partner put not only you but—like you said—your roommate at risk, too. COVID-19 risks compound really quickly!

I’m happy to hear that your partner is apologizing, but I do hope they have expressed that they understand where you’re coming from. It’s easy to say sorry. But a real apology requires understanding and also a commitment to growth. It’s natural for you to feel betrayed right now—this was absolutely a betrayal of your trust! And I’m going to be honest: It will be difficult to rebuild. Not impossible! But difficult. As for if it’s worth it, that’s something only you can really decide for yourself. Is your partner willing to put in the work to rebuild trust? Do they really truly understand WHY what they did was wrong? Will they be more respectful of boundaries when it comes to your mental health?

Q3:

Probably a weird question but how do you deal with constantly wavering in terms of what you want to do with your life? I currently have a very stable job having completed a bunch of qualifications that are guaranteed to keep me employable pretty much anywhere in the world, but I keep looking into applying for grad school in various totally different subjects – I’ve looked at Psychology and History and Data Science and Linguistics and retraining as an ultrasound tech and hundreds of other things – and every time I come across a new thing I’m like “aha! This is the thing that will take me out of feeling so very stuck”. The main thing I’m getting from this is that I desperately want to do something new. I’m in my late 20s, so I feel a weird pressure to do something about this sooner rather than later, but I also have no idea how anyone figures out what the right thing for them to be doing is. How do you know what you want to be when you grow up, when you’re already pretty far along in your career path?

A:

Carolyn: Wow have I ever been there! It’s interesting – and agonizing – to look around at your interests and skills and curiosities and realize they could lead you in a hundred different directions. How do you even decide? And if you choose one, how do you know it’s the “right” one and that the actual right one isn’t the one you turned down? This is known as the paradox of choice, often discussed in consumer contexts but whatever, where, to be reductive, when you have too many options it’s harder to feel satisfied with whatever choice you make. When I’m in that place, I find it’s productive to stop thinking about how all the different options could look, and start thinking about how all the different options could feel. What feeling do you actually want to have at a core level?* All your interests will be united because they come from you, but some might more closely align with how you want your life to feel. Try to unpack and break down what’s appealing to you about a few different options – is it that you get to learn something new and feel like you’re exploring? Do you want to be able to practice greater flexibility? Instead of moving away from “stuck,” what do you want to move towards?

*I have to credit The Desire Map for this type of thinking, but I neither endorse nor recommend The Desire Map beyond this one single point.

Malic: I love what Carolyn said about focusing on how different options make you feel! I’ve been in this place before, too. For me, it’s been most helpful to imagine what my actual day-to-day life would look like if I made particular career choices instead of focusing on the more grandiose version of “what it means” to work in a specific area.

I’m also wondering if there are ways you could explore these interests before making the enormous commitment to pursue one of them in grad school. Are there jobs you can take in those areas right now without a graduate degree? Are there volunteer opportunities or internships you could pursue? Can you take on a single project in one of these areas? That will give you more data to help you make those Big Life Choices.

It’s also important to remember that you can incorporate all of your interests into your life, even if you only pursue one of them as a career. There’s so much more to you and your life than your job or your degree! If you want to pursue a degree in Linguistics and spend your spare time nerding out while listening to history podcasts, that’s rad. All of your interests are valid and worthy of pursuit, even when you’re not getting paid to do so.

Kayla: I’m a huge proponent of later in life career pivots/changes/discoveries. It can be scary to jump into something new, but it’s also very rewarding to try different things and pursue multiple interests. Since you’re struggling to figure out what it is you really want, I think it could be helpful to remind yourself that your decisions don’t have to be permanent. Yes, some career choices are more of a long-term commitment than others, but it still doesn’t mean that you have to do that thing forever. I think Malic is absolutely correct in suggesting that you maybe explore ways to dip your toes in other pursuits before making major commitments. It’s okay to have multiple interests and also changing interests! It happens. It doesn’t have to mean you’re unfocused or uncommitted! I think if you remind yourself of these things, it might help you figure out what you want.

Q4:

Hi uhh odd question but I’m not sure who to go to. At what point in a relationship is it appropriate to tell your partner that you want them to know what your tears and blood taste like? If you want context, we’ve been qpps for a month now (with a similar emotional intensity to romance) and we do kink together. We live too far away to meet in person so this isn’t about that. We say “you’re important” with the significance of “I love you” very often?? I know relationship milestones don’t happen at Scheduled Correct Times and especially not when you’re polyamorous or otherwise unconventional. But what would y’all do in my situation?

A:

Carolyn: The best way to have any big-step conversation is in a relaxed context and, if it’s at all sex- or kink-related, outside of a context in which sex and/or kink could happen. After that, I think it’s pretty organic to ask, via whatever medium you want, how your partner feels about fluid exchange, and from there to name specifically blood and tears as the fluids. If they’re not into it, they can say so in a less-loaded environment; if they are, you don’t have to meet in person to mail someone a vial of your fluids (though check your mailing service’s rules around that just in case) (and do all the types of tests you’d do for other fluid exchange, including a covid test, also just in case).

Malic: I agree with Carolyn — have a relaxed conversation outside of sex or kink context. In terms of when it’s appropriate to have that conversation, the answer is: whenever you want! If you trust this person and feel safe enough with them to talk about your desires, go for it.

If your partner is into the idea, dip your toe into fluid exchange first. Spend time fantasizing about it together before you get to the “(safely) mailing your bodily fluids” place. Send photos. Show them your bodily fluids on video chat (just make sure you use an encrypted service like the video chat feature on Signal for privacy). Have fun!

Q5:

I voted for Biden and I don’t begrudge anyone their joy, but I have seen so many people who identify as progressive and feminist just…act like the Tara Reade allegation never happened? If it’s true, I can’t imagine how awful it must be for Reade to see worldwide jubilation over her rapist becoming the most powerful person in the world. I definitely don’t want to be one of those people who’s like “how dare you express a positive emotion when bad things also exist,” but it is so hard to see people constantly saying things like, “He’s a good man,” “Decency was on the ballot,” and “Character matters” about an alleged rapist. I see people who are rape survivors, people who cried when Kavanaugh was confirmed, talking about how Biden seems like a decent human being, and I feel like I’m going crazy.

I’m not talking about it on social media, because everyone else on my feed is so happy and I don’t want them to feel like I’m shaming them for daring to feel good for one fucking day out of this awful year, but it feels so lonely to care about this when everyone else is celebrating. I know the “textbook” solutions, I am doing local volunteer work and donated to Ossoff and Warnock and am happy about Sarah McBride and Mauree Turner and so on. But I still feel heartbroken that so many people who I like and respect and felt like I shared values with don’t seem to care about a rape allegation — not just today, but ever since the news broke. When Biden becomes president, that will be two-thirds of presidents in my lifetime who have sexual assault allegations, half of all presidents in my lifetime who have rape allegations. I don’t know how not to feel grief and anguish about this. I guess I don’t have much of a question except: Am I the only one who feels this way? Am I out of my mind?

A:

Malic: You are absolutely not alone. I have a lot of fears around the public response to Biden’s presidency — I fear that the liberals who were moved to take action under the Trump administrations will feel like their work is “done” and abandon all organizing efforts, and I absolutely fear that Biden’s alleged sexual assault has been swept under the rug. Alongside that, I still feel joy around the end of Trump’s presidency and around Biden’s promises to walk back some of Trump’s more hideous policies when he takes office, but the fear and the anger are always there. It’s fucked up that we live in a world where sexual assault is ignored. It’s fucked up that we live in a two-party system in which an alleged rapist was our only option. I felt fucked up about phone banking to get an alleged rapist in office because that alleged rapist (in a race between two rapists) was the only candidate who could potentially protect my immigrant friends. I don’t know what’s going to happen next, but I hope that once left-leaning folks get over the initial relief of Biden’s presidency, he will be taken to task. If you want to build community with people who have been and continue to critique Biden for his policies as well as his allegations of, seek out folks with radical politics. We’re here and we’re still mad.

Q6:

My nesting partner and I had a mutual best friend for about four years who we also shared sexuality with (together and separately) for about six months. That stopped when they started dating a new partner who wanted to be monogamous, which we all respected. Our friend moved in with their new partner very quickly, and this partner started displaying some very emotionally abusive behavior.

For example, she would not allow myself or my nesting partner into her home (where our best friend had chosen to live), and when my friend tried to break up with her and move out, she called 200+ times in one night, and then waited at my friend’s workplace the next morning until they arrived.

This kind of behavior went on for a year and a half, and I did my best to support my friend to leave when they were ready (my friend has a history of unhealthy relationships). Emotionally and logistically this became too much for me, and a year ago I expressed my gratitude for our friendship and told them I needed to end things and stop contact with them so I could focus on relationships that were life-giving and sustainable, including the one with my 3 month old baby.

Now my kiddo is almost a year and a half, covid is still happening, and I genuinely miss my friend. I want to share fun pictures and memes with them, and check in on how they are holding up. Part of me thinks this would be helpful for both of us, and part of me imagines it will just inject more unwanted drama back into my life. Does the “do not contact an ex” rule apply to friends, too?

A:

Malic: I completely understand the impulse to contact an old friend, especially when it was their relationship with a partner that stirred up conflict. In the midst of a pandemic, a lot of us are deep in our feelings right now, so it makes sense that you’d be moved to reach out. Before you do, be honest with yourself — are you in a place where you feel stable enough to be in contact with that friend? If the answer is no, then leave it alone. If the answer is yes, here’s a little hope: you set a reasonable, no-contact boundary, and it sounds like your friend has respected this boundary for over a year. That’s a good sign. And you can keep setting those boundaries. Maybe your old friend would be open to a text-only relationship for a while. Just make sure you prepare yourself to be disappointed.

Kayla: I don’t think there is a hard set Do Not Contact rule here, so I’m going to do the kind of annoying advice thing and say that only you can really know if reaching out feels right. It’s possible that your friend is in a place where they don’t want to resume a friendship, so you have to prepare yourself for that possibility and honor that boundary if it does come up. If you feel like reaching out will provide a net positive experience ie not take from you more than it gives, then go for it. But be prepared to either step things back again if that’s what they want or if resuming a friendship ends up feeling bad for you, too.

Q7:

Hello dear and wise Autostraddle community:

Long story short, I’m a girl and I have never been sexually intimate with anyone. Now I am forming a very nice, open, deep and sincere bond with another girl. I am afraid that we will start going to each other’s house, and have moments of more privacy, since for now we were seeing each other in open spaces. How can I prepare to lose my fear of it becoming intimate? It also makes me a bit ashamed to tell her that I was never with anyone. And the lack of experience does not help to get rid of my fear.

I tried to watch videos, tutorials, talk with friends about their first experiences. Anything else I can do? Thank you!

A:

Carolyn: Congratulations on your new bond! I might get some pushback for this, but writing as a former NSFW editor and current sex writer, you know what, sometimes sex is just scary. No matter how affirming a partner, deep a bond, or enthusiastic you feel about getting down with someone else, sex still involves being semi- to fully naked with at least one whole other person who is also probably semi- to fully naked, and sharing intimate and vulnerable parts of yourself, and if you’ve never done it (or them) before it is totally okay to feel all the feelings you’re feeling about that.

Now that we’ve got that out of the way: If it’s possible, I encourage you to see your lack of experience as an advantage, rather than a disadvantage. The thing about sex is that it’s different with every single person, and a lot of folks limit the experience by bringing their preconceived ideas about what another partner likes into an experience with a present partner, no matter how hard we try not to. When you have no experience, you’re free to be completely present with your partner as they are, to ask questions, and to explore together, with no ideas about what you’re “supposed to” be doing or what “should” feel good. That means that – in addition to checking out this shameless plug for the lesbian sex 101 series, which is called that for SEO and not because it’s just for lesbians – one of the best ways to feel comfortable in a sexual situation with someone else is to practice getting comfortable and being present in a sexual situation with yourself. Masturbate. A lot. Focus on the feelings you like in your body, and then practice (in your head, if you like) how you’d describe them in very specific terms to someone else. Practice returning your attention to your breath if your mind wanders. Practice, in non-sexual situations, being as present as possible with your partner, even socially distanced, so that when you do move to more intimate settings you know how to be attuned to them and to yourself.

I also don’t think you necessarily need to tell your partner that you’ve never done this before – you can, of course, but if putting that knowledge out there will make you feel less comfortable rather than more so, it’s not required for consent by any means.

Kayla: I agree with Carolyn! Sometimes sex is just scary. And I think it’s important to keep in mind that that’s true for people at all experience levels! Every time I’ve had sex with someone new, it kind of felt like a First Time experience, because every body and person is different! I say this not to scare you further but to rather normalize the fear you feel. It’s something a lot of us feel regardless of sexual histories!

I also agree with Carolyn that if you don’t want to, you don’t have to tell her that this will be your first time. It all comes down to what makes you the most comfortable. Would you feel better about her knowing? Then tell her! Or would you rather just keep that to yourself? That’s fine, too! If a conversation comes up about past experiences organically comes up, of course don’t lie, but it’s not information you really owe to anyone, and it likely won’t affect the sex as much as you’re maybe thinking it will.

In general, I think the most important thing for you right now is to figure out what you want and you like, which yes, means masturbating/fantasizing to work through some of your desires. Make sure communication with your partner is healthy and good, even about things other than sex. So much of connection and chemistry can be informed by communication.

Q8:

So I can’t decide if this is a terrible thing to be asking or not, but hopefully even just the process of asking might help me to process it! I’m a cis white woman in the uk, married to a cis white woman and we have 2 small kids. Our relationship, I’d say, is ok but we’ve struggled since having kids – we have some stuff to work out in the near future that requires some couples therapy as we’ve dealt with some trauma, resentment and mental health issues in the last few years. We’re both on board to making improvements in those areas and recognise that having small kids is hard on any marriage and this has contributed massively.

However I’ve been having a bit of a wobble about what I want from a relationship and I can’t decide if this needs to be something from my (monogamous) romantic, sexual relationship or if this is something I can seek from platonic friendships so would appreciate your thoughts!

In the last few years, like many people with white privilege I’ve started the (long, ongoing) process of unravelling my privilege and unconscious racism, working on trying to move towards being anti racist instead.

My wife is a generally good person, who wouldn’t class herself as racist but obviously that’s problematic in itself. She’s definitely less clued up on this stuff and isn’t really up for doing the work right now. Some of this is due to the aforementioned small children and mental health issues, but I’m not sure if she ever will be. This relates to other areas too – my views are more liberal than hers in general and I’m starting to find this hard. I want to have conversations about how to dismantle my own prejudices and feel like my partner is working towards this with me, especially in terms of the values we raise our kids with. She has had a lot of things to deal with but equally I’m not sure that’s an excuse forever as this stuff is so important.

I suppose what I’m asking is – is this something that is reasonable to be a dealbreaker?! I know I need to speak to her about it at some point but I also know right now it could just provoke defensiveness. Or should I focus on other areas of our relationship first and accept I might be doing this work alone/with our kids and I need to find friends to have these conversations with and hold me to account?

A:

Malic: I’m not married and I’m not a parent, so I can’t tell you if this is an appropriate “dealbreaker.” What I can say is that wanting your partner to share your values is valid in any context, and it’s especially valid when you’re instilling your separate values in your children. First, I want to give your partner the benefit of the doubt. You say that she isn’t up for “doing the work” to dismantle her own racism right now, but it’s possible that “doing the work” looks different for her than it does for you. It’s also possible that she’s uncomfortable talking about this subject with you because she knows you’re further along in your lifelong journey of unraveling your racism. Maybe she’s embarrassed about what she doesn’t know or she’s afraid of being corrected. I think a lot of white people worry about this, and in the context of a romantic relationship, being corrected can feel especially hard.

You can (and should) continue having these conversations with your friends, but if you haven’t already, I think it’s important to explicitly tell your partner that talking about racism is important to you. At the very least, she should be willing to discuss how you’ll talk about race with your kids. Add this topic to the list of things you plan to discuss in therapy, too. If it turns out that your values don’t align, you can reevaluate your relationship and figure out next steps in a mediated setting.

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