Is it normal for one person in the relationship to never initiate sex?

Q:

Is it normal to have one person in a relationship be the initiator of sex all the time? I know my wife loves me and loves having sex, she’s always into it once we get going. But I can’t help but feel as though we would hardly ever have sex if I didn’t take the lead, or suggest it every time. I acknowledge that it’s probably not everyone’s “thing” to be the one to lead physically, but I often feel as though I shouldn’t have to assume that role every time either.

A:

Sa’iyda: I feel you friend. I am usually the initiator of sex in my relationship too. It really does suck sometimes to be the one who always does the heavy lifting when it comes to starting sexy time. As much as you know your wife desires you and enjoys sex, that doesn’t always stop the nagging thoughts from creeping up about why she’s never the one to make the first move. It’s normal to have concerns! You shouldn’t have to be the one who always initiates, but what do you want from her? Is your concern that your wife isn’t interested? Or do you want her to step up to the plate and be the one who takes charge for once? If you want things to change, there’s only one thing you can do: talk to your wife. Does she realize that you’re always the one who initiates sex? Sometimes the other person doesn’t notice because the sex is had, and once you get going, it’s hard to remember who started it. Tell her that you’d like her to make more of an effort to initiate sex if that’s what you want. Once you’ve established that, then you two need to figure out how to make that happen.

Starting that conversation can be hard. When I brought it up with my wife, I made sure it wasn’t at a time where I was looking to have sex with her, but it was a time where we were both relaxed. Maybe when you’re in bed together one night, or you’re relaxing together on the couch. The conversation doesn’t have to be intense, but be prepared for her to maybe be a little defensive at first. Assure her that you love her and your sex life, but gently impress upon her that you need her to take the lead sometimes. Maybe don’t start with her initiating sex — encourage her to be more intimate through touching or talking, and that might make her feel more confident or eager to initiate sex. Making sure you feel desired is probably something important to her, so hopefully she will make more of an effort to show you.

Summer: Your experience isn’t very unusual at all. Having been the person who is the ‘initiator’ to the point of frustration, I’ve lived that role. But I’ve also had to learn about why I ended up in that role and how to adjust things.

It might help to read up a bit about different forms of sexual desire. The spontaneous-responsive dichotomy is often cited. It’s not the only one and it won’t fit every relationship perfectly. But reading into topics like that can dislodge the notion that sexual desire is in any way predictable or conventional. People almost never initiate, receive, and become aroused equally. There’s always something else at work. Could be relaxation. Could be distress. Could be a busy mind. Could be someone’s approach to sex.

In your situation, I think it’s important to pay attention to the positive cues that are present. Your wife enjoys sex and is always into it once things start. That’s the most important thing you need to see. There may be a lack of initiation from her side because it’s not in her personality. Or maybe it’s just a habit that can be shaken. But she is enjoying herself.

The question is, how can you make sex more enjoyable for you? If you’re not comfortable with being the forever-initiator, then I think that calls for a conversation. A series of convos, even. A series of sit-down conversations where you talk about your feelings and how you would feel more appreciated if she initiated more. If you’re going to do this, remember to always frame it (in your mind and in person) as us vs. the problem, not me vs. you. Make it a point of improvement in your relationship that you can both work on together. Even if it doesn’t go to plan, you’ll learn something new about how you and her engage with arousal.

And what about removing upper lip hair?

Q:

This feels silly, but what’s the best way to get rid of hair on my upper lip? I’m genderqueer and 37. About a year ago I went off hormonal birth control after having my fallopian tubes removed, and I’ve seen a lot of body changes from no longer taking female hormones. Most of it has been really gender affirming. But the hair on my upper lip has gotten noticeably longer and darker. Literal decades ago in high school I used to remove it using creams and/or waxing, but they irritated my skin a lot, and in college I mostly decided I didn’t care enough for it to be worth it. Now maybe I do? It kind of feels like a category of “things I would address even if I was a guy,” but I also feel less restricted now to only using tools/products aimed at “girls.” Also, as I said, it’s literally been decades, so it seems like maybe there could be options that are gentler on the skin and/or more effective? But I feel overwhelmed trying to figure out where to start. Help please?

A:

Kayla: Not silly at all. I spend about 65% of my waking life thinking about the hair on my upper lip (and chin and face in general but mostly lip!!!!). I’m slightly exaggerating, but I say all this to reiterate that it’s okay and normal to want to remove facial hair for any reason at all and you are def not silly. Honestly, I’m not sure the products have gotten a whole lot better in the time since I started removing my upper lip hair when I was probably…13? Which for me was almost 19 years ago. That said, I finally dropped the waxes and hair removal creams and just embraced shaving. I have to do it about every other day, but it’s cheaper than waxing. Plus, waxing does technically last longer but still not long enough for me for it to be a sustainable option. I don’t LOVE having to shave my face so frequently, but it’s the best solution I’ve found for me. I’ve considered saving up for electrolysis or something like that in the future, but for now, I just use a good quality razor, facial shaving cream, and a good after shaving serum. I also sometimes pluck stubborn hairs, but even after all these years it’s painful!

Summer: Ooooh, I’m trans (AMAB) and I’ve been waging war on my hair for years. This is day-to-day stuff for me.

So hair removal options are restricted by the characteristics of your skin and hair. You have to consider factors like allergies, irritability, color (for both), consistency, thickness… everything.

I won’t recommend hair removal cream in depth since you found it irritating. However, there’s a good chance that formulations have changed in the intervening decades and you may find something more suitable. Without naming brands, I’d suggest well-reputed, bigger names that have a wide range of well-reviewed products. Since you have a sensitivity, always start with a hair removal cream aimed at ‘sensitive’ skin. If you decide to go that route.

The landscape of waxing hasn’t changed too much. There may have been incremental advances in that area, but I doubt it’s going to change your life and I won’t make hard recommendations there.

Shaving with razors is an option, but most people are out there exploring alternatives because they hate shaving. If I were to recommend shaving for more sensitive skin, I’d only recommend wet shaving. Reddit has a very enthusiastic community dedicated to slightly old-school wet shaving that has a reputation for being meticulous and much more tolerable for people with sensitive skin.

There’s also epilation. Epilators are electric devices that have rows of tweezers (or equivalents) on a rotating head. The tweezers grab and yank hairs out as you pass the device over an area. I recently got an epilator for my legs and arms, but I don’t think I’d use it on my face. The face has a lot of natural unevenness that can make epilation challenging. Plus, it kinda hurts having those hairs rapidly plucked out. The option exists, but I’m not sure I’d recommend it for facial hair removal.

I swear by laser hair removal. It’s semi-permanent (not truly permanent, but can get close) and fairly prolific. Professional laser hair removal has advanced a lot and I find it substantially less painful than having an area waxed. The main downside is that it requires your hair to be darker than your skin and it works best on dark hair contrasted with light skin. Certain hair/skin colors are even completely excluded. Gingers and very light blonde people don’t get good results, nor does anyone with very dark skin. Newer laser systems can work on medium brown skin, which used to be impossible. It’ll just take longer. If your hair is darker than your skin, it’s an option that semi-permanently removes the hair over a few sessions. If you do experience irritation, it’s usually very temporary compared to how long the results last.

When searching for laser hair removal, do not go to places offering ‘IPL’. IPL tends to be much lower intensity than a ‘true’ laser. This also applies to those trendy, small home ‘laser’ devices that are actually IPL. Actual laser hair removal takes a lot of energy, which is why the machines are bulky things with massive cooling systems. Trendy handheld IPL devices are only minimally effective (if at all). There are very few at-home laser hair removal systems and basically all of them have to be plugged into a wall outlet for basic effect.

Lastly, there’s the truly permanent option. Electrolysis. It’s time consuming, very expensive, and reputed to be unpleasant. It’s also extremely permanent and works regardless of your other skin/hair characteristics. Electrolysis consists of driving small electrodes into each follicle manually and annihilating it with an electrical current. The technician manually kills every follicle in a treatment area. The drawbacks are numerous, but it’s very permanent. Some people use electrolysis to deal with stubborn stragglers after laser hair removal. Others use it over a whole area for total peace of mind. It’s also a requirement on certain body parts for some surgeries that requires total removal of hair. Never tried it, but the option exists.

But from one sucker who’s been waging war with their hair since forever to another: there are options. There are more options today than ever, and each option has seen refinement in the last decade. Laser hair removal is much cheaper and less painful than it used to be. Electrolysis is more widespread. Epilators and hair removal creams have seen incremental improvements. Wet shaving is making a return for all the people who absolutely hate disposable razors and gels. All we have to do is weigh up the costs and benefits for each option.

How can we queer domesticity and cohabitation?

Q:

Howdy! I don’t think I’m exactly looking for advice–more like, examples of things other queer folks have done/tried in their cohabitating romantic relationships that would likely be considered “not very traditional” by heteronormative society.

The context: My partner of 4 (almost 5!) years and I met in my final year of college, which happened to align nicely with the start of the COVID pandemic. Due to the pandemic and other circumstances, for most of our relationship, we’ve lived about 2 hours apart from each other and had to navigate roommates, work schedules, car issues, and COVID exposures in order to spend time together. Also, I have a cat, to which they are very allergic. Despite it all, we are still very fond of each other, and have been inching ever closer to the possibility of living together; they get regular allergy shots, I rent an apartment with enough space for them if they were ever to move in, they recently started a hybrid job that has the potential to go fully remote, and so on.

Both of us share similar mental health issues, we are both very queer/trans, and coupled with their allergies, the differences in our income, and my intense need for unpartnered, good-quality sleep, we’ve acknowledged that aspects of our cohabitation will inevitably gear more towards what-works-for-us over things-our-families-will-see-as-normal. I’ve got some ideas of things I definitely want to explore (separate sleeping spaces, splitting rent proportional to income, various routines and strategies to help us both manage the aforementioned mental health issues, etc.), but I’m very interested to hear about instances where other queer folks have gone off the beaten path when arranging a life with a partner in a shared space. Please tell me how you do queer domesticity!!!

A:

Kayla: I can’t necessarily speak to things like sleeping separately, but as for splitting rent proportional to income, I think it’s a great idea for ALL COUPLES to do this!!! My wife and I have, I think, a very queer approach to splitting up household responsibilities and finances — and always have since the beginning. We’re both writers, so our incomes have fluctuated a lot over the course of our relationship, and we decided early on that it would be likely that we’d take turns being the more financially stable person. That has been true! So we’ve always split up rent in ways that reflect that and will often change our rent divisions as our circumstances change. We don’t have shared finances in the sense of an actual shared bank account, but we do share just about everything in ways that feel ultimately fair. We’re both pretty attuned to our finances, so we pick things up or let the other person pick things up intuitively, and we don’t shy away from talking about money either.

As for household responsibilities, my wife does ALL of the laundry, cleaning, and most domestic “chores” that are sometimes associated with femininity despite being the butch in our relationship. She also does the yardwork. She mainly takes care of the dog; I mainly take care of the cat. I do all the cooking and a lot of the grocery shopping (though she will do the grocery shopping when I have busy work weeks!). We both work from home, and luckily we figured out early on how to do that because we both worked remotely even before COVID. I have my own office space in the house we rent, which is also just sort of my space in general! But truly I do think the best way to cohabitate is to have a fluid and flexible approach to finances. Equity over equality!

Summer: It’s great that you’re thinking about the practicalities of living together. A lot of people don’t and the sudden change can terminate an otherwise happy relationship.

In my relationship, much of our success has been built on making appropriate compromises in how we live, but not giving up on qualities we consider non-negotiable. Our division of chores is handled quite tightly. She cooks and I wash dishes. I clean the kitchen, bathroom, and floors (but she mops). I’m the handy one, so household and vehicle maintenance are on me. Laundry and trash are shared, but she changes the bedding. We contribute to the household budget in a way that is proportional to our respective incomes, rather than do a 50% split.

At the smaller level, we’re both very touchy about our workspaces. We stay away from each other’s office/desk spaces. I’m a blanket thief, so we sleep in separate blankets (but cuddle together!). Neither of us can sleep in contact with another person so we’re on opposite sides of the bed. Our place is small, so we negotiate how much time the other person can play audio and if someone is trying to work, the other person is obligated to use earphones.

Some of these logistical arrangements even extend to the sexual. We’re ethically non-monogamous. We try to only invite people into our home and bed if it’s someone we’re both seeing and comfortable with. It’s not a marital bed, but it is our bed and people are only in it by invitation. Dates and sleepovers outside of the relationship are carefully arranged to ensure everyone’s comfort.

I could name more, but all I’ve learned in my time spent dating is that a heteronormative split of chores, finances, and labor would ever work for me. Thanks a lot for asking!

Riese: Just wanted to echo the absolute normality of splitting rent or other expenses based on who is making more money! We both put around the same percentage of our monthly income into rent, but we have different monthly incomes so those amounts are different.

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