My Long-Distance Girlfriend Wants Me to Share My Location
Q:
I live about two hours away from my girlfriend of six months. We met at a party when I was visiting friends in the city where she lives, the city where I’ll be moving at the end of the summer. Before her I was in a ten-year (and eventually really toxic) relationship with someone slightly older than me, but my new girlfriend is younger than me. I’m in my late thirties and she’s in her late twenties, and we have some generational differences around technology, like she’s more into texting and face-timing than I am. But our differences over those things are usually cute and interesting!
Then a few days ago she casually asked me if I had find my friends app and if I would share my location with her so she could feel closer to me. I was shocked. I’m familiar with location sharing as something people use when they’re all at a music festival trying to find everyone or something parents use with their kids or something that Jeramy used with Laura on Love is Blind Season Six the night he went to Lost & Found with Sarah Ann. But I admit I am verklempt by the idea of using this permanently all the time. I don’t have anything to hide besides maybe how much time I spend at Target but the whole thing feels SOOOO weird to me. I love catching up on our days rather than her getting a pre-conversation outline from tracking me. If we stay together would she be tracking me for the rest of my life? What if I’m buying her a Christmas gift?? She said her friends all share their locations with each other. I told her I’d think about it, but I’m driving myself crazy with it.
So my questions are: 1. Am I just being old-fashioned to bristle at this and is this is a normal thing to do? Do any of you do it?
2. Things being as they are, there’s a 90% chance I’m going to be refusing to share my location. Does that make me a red flag?
A:
Kayla: I have the locations of about 15 people — family, friends, and yes my wife. We have a similar age gap to y’all but I’m the younger one. I don’t remember why my wife and I originally exchanged locations but I’m sure it was my idea because she doesn’t share her location with anyone else. If she had been uncomfortable with it or if she decides at any point that she doesn’t want to share with me anymore, I’d be 100% cool with it. It’s not for everyone! I love having my friends’ locations, especially since most of my friendships are long distance. My wife gives me a hard time for “creeping” on them (I call it checking in on my little dots) but she’s just teasing. And also I know my friends are creeping right back. We love it! But similarly, I have some friends who don’t location share and that’s cool too.
You’re completely within your rights to say you don’t want to location share. If your gf tries to fight you on that, it’s honestly kind of a red flag! It doesn’t sound like there’s a reason she NEEDS your location. But I also wanna assure you that her asking for your location in the first place isn’t a sign of toxic or controlling behavior. Now if you DO decide to share your location and she’s suddenly asking you a lot of questions about where you are or what you’re doing somewhere, that’s a bad sign, and it warrants conversation and possibly reevaluating sharing locations in the first place.
Riese: I’m 42 and I also think location sharing with a partner is weird —but I think a lot of things are super weird that are apparently normal now! I don’t share my location with anybody. Growing up in a time when you’d have absolutely no idea what anybody you knew was up to unless you managed to catch them on a phone call while both of you were in your actual homes, or received a letter from them in the mail, definitely changes your perspective on how much communication and life-sharing is normal or healthy. I do get it situationally, like for safety reasons or keeping track of people somewhere crowded. It feels like an innocent decision to make while your relationship is going well, but it feels like that could get dicey if things ever get dicey, you know? Six months in a long-distance relationship isn’t a ton of time to get to know each other. I also don’t know how you would be able to get her a Christmas gift under these circumstances.
Drew: You’re not weird! I share my location with several of my friends and it is fun to check in on their little dots sometimes BUT I don’t share it with my partner of 3+ years. I’m not really sure why? Except that it feels weird to me! I think, like you, it reminds me too much of more negative relationships I’ve been in. It’s not even that I have anything to hide or think my girlfriend would use it in ways that felt controlling. It’s literally just that it feels weird to me to track my partner and have my partner track me and I’m choosing to trust that feeling. You can trust that feeling for yourself too!
When I’ve really tried to analyze it, I’ve decided that it’s mostly for my own sake than anything. I think having the location of my partner would feed into negative habits for me. It’s not personal about her or due to any sort of lack of trust. It’s just a technology boundary that feels right for my brain — like not having the Twitter app on my phone.
Em Win: As a current 29 year-old, I’m definitely more understanding of sharing your location with one another. A lot of the reasons I do it (with friends, family, and my SO) is out of safety. I’ve used it to know my sister got back home safe. My friends have used it when protests have gone south and I have to relocate. It feels reasonable to ask an SO to be included in this close circle of safety supports. I also find it convenient when meeting my SO somewhere. I’ll admit that I do sometimes look at his location for fun, but it’s NEVER out of malicious curiosity, more like “I wonder which position they put him in today” (he works at a theme park). To answer your question, this is a very normal thing to do. The folks I work with older than me share their location mostly just with family members while the younger folks I work with share their location with virtually everyone via Snapchat (which I would not recommend).
However, I don’t think you’re old-fashioned. It can definitely feel like an infringement of privacy, and in cases like Laura and Jeramy, it can be used to cause further damage and distrust in the relationship. This all depends on the stability and comfort level of your own relationship. I have ex-friends who I used to share locations with that just stopped sharing theirs and vice versa (you can do this whenever you want!). This Christmas my sister actually texted her SO “don’t look at my location today because I’m getting your present” and that worked really well. There are ways to work with it if you’re willing.
To answer your second question, I don’t think that makes you a red flag. Sharing your location is kinda like sharing health information; it’s extremely personal and could be used to harm you. It’s fair to feel protective over your privacy, but I would urge you to ask your girlfriend about what she hopes to accomplish in sharing this (creating more intimacy, gaining trust, etc.)
Ashni: Hi! I think it’s totally valid to question the idea of location-sharing, especially long-term location sharing. By opting into it, you’re giving someone the power to see where you are at all times, and even though you have nothing to hide, that’s still a lot! Just because your girlfriend and her friends have decided this is their normal, it doesn’t need to be your normal.
For transparency’s sake, I do share my location with my partner (and select friends). And it’s on almost all the time. It’s led to some happy surprises, like finding out that I’m within walking distance of a friend who would normally be a bus or train ride away. And I have to admit that it’s convenient to be able to peek at my partner’s location instead of waiting for their reply to my text asking when they’ll be home.
But no, to answer your second question, I do not think this makes you a red flag at all! I know that your girlfriend pitched this as a way to feel closer to you (I assume because of the long-distance of it all?), but I’m not super clear on how this would make her feel closer? Maybe there’s a way to achieve a similar level of close without needing to share your location, like sending voice memos throughout the day or sending each other snail mail!
How Do We Keep Things Sexy Without Having Sex?
Q:
I’d love to hear tips on maintaining a sexual connection with a partner without actually having sex. I’m in a VERY intense depressive episode and my libido is shot. (Working on it with therapy/meds/lifestyle changes etc but it’s slow going.) My partner and I are monogamous and neither of us are super into the idea of her getting her needs met with someone else. I suggested we send each other erotica or nudes/thirst traps, that she tell me in detail about her masturbation habits, and that we could fantasize about what we may want to try when I’m feeling up to it again. (I was an avid Vanessa Friedman reader before she left AS so I have sent my partner her articles on thirst traps, “elaborate masturbation,” and sexting!) Anything else? We did have sex for the first time in ~six months recently and it was fine for her and unpleasant for me so now we’re back to the drawing board.
A:
Summer: As someone who’s been the low and high libido partner as we deal with the ebbs and flows of mental health, this question speaks to me a lot.
I think the idea to send each other thirst traps and talk about your sexual habits is a great starting point. It keeps the sexual energy in the relationship that prevents it from becoming uncomfortably platonic. From my end, I wrote an article about mismatched sexual desires a while ago that explored ways to retain a sexual headspace when your partner isn’t available for it. That one dealt with a mismatched kink dynamic in our relationship, but the basic rules would also apply to upholding a sex drive. Those being:
- Do sexual things on your own that satisfy your favorite bedroom roles.
- Do things with sensual undertones in daily life that keep you in your preferred headspace.
- Make your partner aware that you’re doing these things and keep them informed. Not in a pushy way, but to let them know that there is a spark.
I also like to focus on the senses. I’m a tactile person, so I always make sure to touch my girlfriend semi-sexually and casually so she’s aware that I always find her attractive. We can’t walk past each other without a playful ass slap or boob grab. It’s almost platonic, but it’s sexual enough that we never forget that the other person is still a sexual being.
Lastly, we all go through the peaks and troughs of mental health. If you ever sense that your desire to maintain an ‘active’ sex life is causing you distress, remember that it’s more than okay to put that idea on the backburner. Maintaining a sexual connection is important, but if it ever turns into a source of pressure that could worsen your well-being, it should be put on hold. Your question and approach shows deep care for your partner and I’m sure you’ll find a working solution.
Nico: What Summer outlined is so great in terms of directly focusing on sexual intimacy. I think, also, you can focus on building and deepening emotional intimacy, too. You also mention you’re in a depressive episode, so it might help your connection to be intentional about trying new date activities together, going new places, making space for little adventures — whatever suits your interests — so that you’re not just going through the same motions day in and day out. Some days this might be harder than others, especially when it comes to dealing with depression, but you can do anything from trying a new board game to planning a road trip to work on keeping the dynamic between you two lively and the sparks of emotional intimacy — laughter, shared problem-solving, novel experiences — flying, too.
Riese: Also Kayla answered a question like this question in a regular You Need Help recently!
How Do I Celebrate My Newfound Queer Desire and Forgive The Old Me?
Q:
Ispent the first, say, 25ish years of my life doing a lot of cognitive dissonance/not acknowledging my queer desire (for pretty girls, for the more masc way I thrilled to dress as but then “forgot” about, etc). Now I’m a few years into trying to acknowledge and lean into my desires. I’m also very single and very much wanting a long-term, committed relationship, and worried about not having had any adult relationships. My question is two-part: 1. What are ways I can celebrate myself and my queer desire when I come upon it in the wild? I gotta require my pathways towards queer joy! 2. How do I stop being angry at women who didn’t know they were gay until they BAM stumbled upon and fell in love with the woman who’s now their wife of a gazillion years, while I’m out here trying so hard to date and wanting to know what it feels like to fall in love? (A less snide way to ask that question might be: how do I truly acknowledge and forgive my younger self for not being the brave dyke making out with girls in the high school bathrooms that I now wish I could have been?)
A:
Summer: I won’t toot our trumpet too much, but if you’re on Autostraddle, you’re already celebrating queerness in all of its ups, downs, and complexity 🙂.
More to the point, I think that you made a good point about dressing in a way that affirms you. Intentionally or not, our clothing is one of the main ways we showcase ourselves to the will. Claiming a personalized sense of style as your own in an awesome expression of your agency and queerness. Exactly how you do it is entirely up to you. There are classic options like wearing pride-style colors and flags, or collecting pins to stick onto a backpack. Or a fanny pack. No joke. One piece I seldom see is wearing a watch with a woven nylon ‘NATO’ strap. We live in an era when watches are worn as statements rather than for timekeeping. There’s something very rough-and-tumble about a practical, durable nylon strap wound around a woman’s wrist.
As to not resenting others due to recollections of our past experiences…I think about it a lot because I’m trans. I occasionally ruminate over how things could have gone differently or worse, gone better. My answer was always rooted in the recognition of agency. In that we only have agency over our present and future, not the past. The past is gone. Forgiving our past self starts with believing our past self when they say they were doing their best given the circumstances. Even if we weren’t doing our absolute best, that’s a lesson we should bring to the parts we can control: now and tomorrow. The other women you see also made sacrifices to grow, and won hard-fought battles out of your sight. That matters a lot. But what matters most is believing in the efforts of your past self. And trusting that you were doing what you can with the info you have, and now you have opportunity and maturity to look forward.
Comments
I have such an intensely visceral reaction to the idea of location sharing. It makes my skin crawl to think that people could use my phone to track my location. (I know obviously my phone is tracking me all the time and various companies etc are doing that but still! It feels worse when it’s personal!)
So many of my friends share their locations with each other and their partners, and I have seen times where it has made their lives more convenient, and I’m a little more chill with the idea now, but I cannot imagine ever sharing my location with a romantic partner. My best friend of 20 years suggested we share locations when going skiing together for a week, and I wanted to toss my phone into a snowbank and run away forever just imagining it! (She was understanding lol.)
Anyway! LW, I think you’re very normal.
Oh my goodness, Q1 I completely understand you! I personally feel really weird about how common it’s been to have access to another person’s location at all times, it quite frankly creeps me out and I can’t see a situation where I’d do it (beyond temporary ones like the music festival example). It feels very very easy for that to slip into a toxic situation. I’m a private person anyway, and I think it’s healthy not to have strict tabs on each other every moment.
I also just feel weird about letting companies have that kind of access to me … how is that data being used by those apps? I suppose my Maps app and such already track me but idk. as a queer leftist I worry about surveillance and data security.
All that to say, it’s absolutely not a red flag for you to say no!
Besides agreement on the share location thing, let me say I love your user name and avatar!!
Q1: I am 45 and my partner is 30. I have never shared my location with anyone before her, and we only started sharing because she lost her work phone after having a little too much fun with colleagues one night, and having shared location would highly likely have helped find it (it’s still lost haha). I never check it and as far as I know she doesn’t either, particularly as we now live together. Sounds like the LW’s partner would be checking it regularly however. The advice is sound, have an open, honest conversation about the matter and feel free to share you concerns. You not being keen is not a red flag. If you decide not to share I hope your partner accept this and enjoys the myriad other ways to feel connected over distance.
I had no idea location sharing was so prevalent lol. I am definitely feeling my elder millennial status. q1 I too would have a visceral negative reaction, and as AS responses and other commenters have suggested, this does seem like a largely over 30 experience of recoil likely based on how expectations around technology, access, and how those things impact relationships have shifted so profoundly. (And I too would definitely say no, except for a specific rationale like a music festival or maybe you’re going out dancing and that reassures her too got home safely etc).
That said, I echo Em: have you talked with her more about why she wants to do this? What does it mean or signal to her? Was it just an off hand suggestion because she location shares with everyone else she’s close to and it doesn’t carry as much significance for her as it does for you, agonizing over how to say no? I think talking about her desire more might help clarify boundaries too — like maybe you agree to try it for a few days and then check back in and see how you both feel?
I’m only going to comment on the location sharing. I feel like no one touched on the part where the LW said their partner wanted to share locations to be “closer” to her. That sings red flag to me. There’s better ways to be close to your OS. Like Riese mentioned we didn’t have these things before and we did just fine. If LW wants to try it out maybe just for short intervals
Personal wise I only share with my mom and one of my sisters 24/7 because I go out alone a lot. My sisters have both shared and unshared whenever as the need arrises. Currently the one I share with has stayed sharing with me now for the same reason I do since she started dating again. Lately her and I have been joking about it when we text. A couple of weeks ago she asked if I had noticed where she was one night. I told her I don’t usually pay attention and I had deleted our chat. So now I mess with her if I see she’s somewhere she shouldn’t be. But we’re cool like that.
If I wasn’t single I don’t see myself sharing my location exclusively. Perhaps only on a need to know basis, like at a festival or amusement park or trip. I do think sharing locations with friends kind of makes sense or could be cute but I do neither.
Another elder millenial here (around 40’s) and not only I do not share my location, unless sometimes coming back home late or something like that…I don’t even have the location of my cellphone active most of the time. I only activate location when I need a specific assistance from my GPS. I would likely feel weird if a partner asked me to share location all the time. And I think people here have some valid advice and questions for the op from q1.
For q3: I realized I as bi and quite interested in women around 26/27. I thought a lot about the times when I should have known, but the truth is, there were reasons while my brain protected me in the time before that. Sure, it would have been nice to realize earlier, but also it might have caused a lot of troubles for me. I don’t know how old op3 is, or where she grew up, but maybe there were reasons for you not to be kissing girls on the bathroom. It’s ok to forgive your past self and focus on the now. As someone that last year broke up after a 10 year relationship, I feel your pain. Truth is, trust the path and yourself. You can still smooch girls/women, you just need to accept that it’s not going to be like your teenage years experience, but you are more experienced now, and you can enjoy this ride.
Wish everyone in the questions the best of luck!
Chiming in to agree with others that location sharing is NOT required or ubiquitous, I was extremely surprised at how many AS staffers have their location sharing on. It just feels weird, invasive, and unnecessary to me. I also don’t really know of others in my life who use it. The one time I tried it on my phone to coordinate a location with a friend while we were both driving to meet each other, it didn’t even work right lol. (I am over 30 but just barely)
Can we also talk about how having your location shared all the time / tracking someone else constantly drains your phone’s battery! I probably should know my fiancee’s location because she’s an ecologist and does a lot of field work alone in the middle of nowhere where cell signal isn’t great (I work from home, so she always knows where I am), but I’ve never gotten around to it. It just seems… excessive.
There’s nothing wrong with asking someone to share their location with you and I don’t think it’s a red flag to ask someone or refuse to share it, by the way!