I Suspect My Girlfriend Is Drugging My Dog

Q:

My dog is… a lot. I’ve had him for seven years, since he was a puppy. My girlfriend isn’t a dog person, but she’s come to love him and has done her best to adapt to his presence in our lives since we’ve moved in together. I’ve made sacrifices too, like crating him at night instead of letting him sleep in our bed.

He’s around 40 pounds, he jumps on everybody who enters his immediate radius and he’s always bouncing off the walls regardless of how much time I spend walking him or taking him to the dog park. He wants to eat everything and he gets very upset when we kiss or touch each other instead of paying attention to him. I tried everything with this guy when he was younger, including lots of training classes and behavior modification. While he responds to commands, being able to “sit” doesn’t mean he’ll sit forever and ultimately, nothing can really change his overall personality! Multiple vets have recommended that I try drugs, but I’m really uncomfortable with that idea.

Last year, our vet gave me some trazodone to use as needed — specifically before he goes to the vet (lol) or the groomer, or when lots of people are around or on long drives (cause he whines the whole time we’re in the car), and it definitely calms him down, but I also feel like he loses the light in his eyes! My girlfriend obviously disagrees and thinks it’d be good to explore medication more regularly, and has mentioned CBD as well. My girlfriend takes psychiatric drugs herself (one of them is trazodone actually), whereas I grew up in a Christian Scientist family (obviously I’m not in the religion anymore!), so I think we might have different mindsets over drugs in general. It’s a consistent source of conflict for us, and one of our biggest fights ever was about drugging him before we had her pregnant sister and her husband over for dinner. (We settled on putting him in the basement, but we could hear his scratching and moaning through dinner.)

Anyhow, here’s the problem: I think my girlfriend is drugging him when I’m not around. Recently she had friends over while I was out of town. Usually she puts him in the basement when she has people over, so I was surprised to see him in the room at all in a video our friend posted to social media, let alone looking pretty chill around multiple human beings. She had a friend over to co-work last week, and I came home earlier than expected, to find my dog just snoozing in his crate which is really weird behavior! When I commented on it she said that he’d run around in the yard a lot??? I haven’t kept track of the pills so I’m not sure if any are missing, or if maybe she’s giving him CBD or some of her own meds?

I feel like accusing my girlfriend of drugging my dog is a pretty intense thing to do, but like…. ?

A:

Kayla: Now with the caveat that I only have as much evidence as you’ve provided, I kinda think your girlfriend is drugging your dog. I think there’s a way to find out that doesn’t amount to a full out accusation. Ask! Ask how the dog was so chill when she had friends over. Also fwiw I do think you should start counting the pills. Ultimately, this is your dog, and you should be the one in full control of the choices being made about meds. If she gave the dog drugs without your input or approval, that’s pretty fucked up! It should be a conversation. Are you open at all to her occasionally medicating the dog in specific situations or are you against using the drugs completely? Maybe if you’re open to it so long as it’s occasional, it’d be worth putting some rules in place like, namely, your girlfriend needing to get your permission before she decides to just go around your back. If you’re not open to it at all, then that needs to be a clearly stated boundary. This could very well lead to a fight! Pet drama causes a lot of fights in relationships. But letting it go unaddressed is going to make it worse.

Riese: Firstly, I also have a girlfriend with a dog who is incredibly extra and whose vet suggested drugs before vet visits, so I feel you, AND in fact would like to preemptively state in case my girlfriend is reading this that i am not passive-aggressively discussing our situation by answering this question!

I agree with Kayla —you gotta ask her — you saw how chill the dog was and are wondering how she got the dog to be that chill. And ask yourself some questions too — is this typical behavior for her? Sneaking around, lying, doing things behind your back, taking matters into her own hands when you disagree? If so, this is probably the last red flag in a parade of them, and this conversation might be a breakup convo. If she says no and you don’t believe her, stay calm and pay attention to how she’s handling the accusations, be wary of manipulation.

However, if this is the one and only area where she’s doing these things and where you feel this tension and you feel like there is space to forgive her, I think it’s time to talk about making the dog situation a little easier on her. I would argue that this is a situation that qualifies as “desperate times leading to desperate measures.” If she hasn’t actually drugged your dog, it’s definitely time to talk about making this situation a little easier on her.

If the dog is interrupting your intimacy all day, not letting him sleep in your bed at night is honestly a minor concession — from what you describe, I’m not sure when else she would be able to touch you without interruption (if he’s in the room) or whining (if he’s not) while you’re both at home!

I am a dog person, and I do love my girlfriend’s crazy dog — you say that your girlfriend loves your dog too, which is promising! But probably coming into it as a person who’s not super into dogs to begin with is a different journey for her than mine was.

Still, despite that, it can be rough to have a lot of our actions and behavior controlled by the dog. Luckily, my girlfriend is incredibly patient with my frustrations, she’s always doing what she can to mitigate. Just knowing that she knows how annoying so many of these concessions are makes it easier to handle, and maybe that’s what your girlfriend needs to feel from you too.

For us, drugs are tough ‘cause when they wear off, the dog is 400x more hyper than she was before. If the only problem with your dog is that he seems to lose the light in his eyes, then, yannow… what about the light in your girlfriend’s eyes? Maybe be more open to medicating, or boarding him on days your girlfriend wants to have people over.

Talk to the vet together about this problem and how you can manage it!

Drew: I love dogs so much and grew up with/have dogsat for dogs with a wide variety of needs. But it does sound like you’re prioritizing your dog’s needs over your girlfriend’s.

Now I’m not saying that justifies her going behind your back to medicate him. I think you need to tell your girlfriend that you can reopen the conversation around medication but need to know if she’s been medicating him secretly or not. If she insists she hasn’t then either you should trust her or, if you can’t, then I question whether the relationship is sustainable.

To me this comes down to priorities and trust. You and your girlfriend are both allowed to choose your priorities and there’s sadly a chance they won’t align. But she shouldn’t be secretly drugging your dog and, if she says she isn’t, you shouldn’t be distrusting her.

Sai: Oof, I understand what it’s like to have a dog who is a lot. It sounds like you’re very aware of your guy’s personality and have done all the right things to try and get him to be more manageable. I can understand the hesitation to rely on drugs to make his personality more palatable, you’re altering his brain chemistry to make others comfortable! It doesn’t feel fair to your pup to do that more than is absolutely necessary.

I think it’s a pretty big conversation that you need to have with your girlfriend. Because if she is in fact drugging your dog when you’re not around, that’s a pretty massive breach of trust that absolutely needs to be addressed NOW. Unfortunately the only way to know for sure is to just ask her. Sit down and try to be as calm as you can be. If you come at her from a place of accusation, you may not get her to admit the truth. I would start by thanking her for getting out of her comfort zone by accepting your dog into your shared living space and recognizing what a change that is for her. Then you can share what you noticed about the dog the two times you weren’t around, and ask gently if maybe she gave him something to settle him down. Make it clear that you’re just trying to understand the change in demeanor and you’re not making an accusation. If she admits it, don’t reply with anger, ask her why she would do that without talking to you first, and reiterate your stance on drugging the dog.

If it turns out that your girlfriend is drugging your dog against your wishes, you have some important conversations to have about what this means for your relationship. Can you be with someone who breached your trust like that? You might want to start thinking about that now, but don’t act rashly. Is this something you think you can work though? Only you know the answer to that.

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My Partner Thinks I’ll Leave Them If They Lose Their Job

Q:

How do you support a partner with bad anxiety? My partner (who is in therapy for said anxiety) sometimes spirals out and I would like to do better at being helpful and/or preventative. At present, they are having a tough time at work and today confessed the full spiral was “I am going to get fired and then you will be disappointed and break up with me”.

I am not at work, but from what I can tell their boss is giving them way more work than 1 person can do and is annoyed they are not working weekends to finish it all… but my partner’s work is specialized and obviously super important in this 6-person company. For assorted reasons, they don’t want to quit (though like I think they should look for something non-toxic!).

I have more control over our 6-year relationship and I want my partner to feel as secure as I do and not that I’d leave them if they lost their job!

A:

Summer: So I always refer to mental well-being as a ‘constellation’. Because it’s a cluster of interlinked and significant factors that resolve into an image. I think your partner’s situation speaks to that relationship of support structures and stress factors.

First off, thank you so much for being a partner who wants to be more supportive. The most important thing you can do in this situation is to uphold the alliance. Your relationship is an alliance and supporting each other is supporting the relationship. As long as it’s ‘us vs. the problems’ and not ‘me vs. you’, you have a great starting position.

From the internal monologue your partner disclosed to you, it sounds like they experience catastrophizing. This is an extremely common anxiety symptom and it often drives downward spirals. I get them. My girlfriend gets them. They suck because it feels like the world is ending and when it doesn’t, you feel like a buffoon. Good therapy, support structures, and a counter narrative are key to fight catastrophizing. Your partner is in therapy, which is generally good. They have you (a support structure), which is great. What happens next is you can work with them to establish counter narratives to their anxiety.

That includes:

• Affirming the validity of the feelings they have, but not the horrible monologue. What they’re experiencing is real, very scary, and not to be minimized. But that monologue is harmful and untrue because it’s a product of distress. Even if some parts of it turn out a bit true, the reality will almost always be far better than what we concoct in our minds.
• Keeping a record or journal of their achievements and acts of courage. Then recount these stories to them when you want to. Not just when they spiral (unless they ask), but sprinkling reminders of their agency, capacity, and courage into their lives. Anxiety is an overcast way of life and a ray of unexpected light goes a long way. Both to affirm a person’s self-esteem and help them establish a counter narrative to ‘I suck and I’m a lazy failure clown’ (example mine).

While helping to build their counter narrative, you can also shore up their strength when it comes to their job. The decision to leave or not will have to be theirs, but I’m sure you’re willing to help them either way. In the meantime, you can support them by offering acts of kindness or relief that make their lives easier. This could be providing food, love notes, hearing them vent, etc. It all depends on what kind of love and care they need.

Anxious people (myself included) can suffer greatly from feeling like I’m alone and can’t even rely on myself because I’m a disaster noodle. Showing them thoughtful acts reminds them that they’re not alone. They have valuable pillars. Meanwhile, the counter-narrative stuff above helps to dislodge the ‘I suck at all of it‘ headspace.

Lastly, I must ask that you also watch for your own well-being. Supporting a distressed person is inherently distressing. Whatever you do, try to keep it from turning into your own distress because if you’re distressed, supporting them gets much harder. They have a therapist. I assume they have other friends. Your life (and theirs) is a constellation of interlinking qualities and nothing stands alone.

If you’re trying to implement even one of my suggestions, you’re doing better than most. And you’re doing much better than nothing.

When supporting someone in distress, my mindset is: Trying something is better than nothing. Trying my best is the most I can do. Sometimes, my best won’t be good enough and that’s okay.

Drew: I think you should reassure your partner that you won’t leave them no matter what happens with this job and do so without shaming their anxiety.

But, most importantly, I think you need to accept that no matter what you say or do the anxiety might persist. Understanding that will allow you to be a stabilizing force in your partnership rather than feeding into the shame and anxiety spiral.

It’s really hard to watch someone you love deal with that kind of stress and negative self-talk! It’s frustrating that there often isn’t an easy fix. However, steady love and support can certainly help.

Sai: Having a partner with severe anxiety is learning how to walk a very delicate balance. You never want to invalidate what is making them anxious, which means you’re working against your natural instinct.

I think when it comes to this one, you need to be as gentle with them as possible. Find ways to make their life a little easier. Send them a little treat in the middle of the day while they’re at work to remind them how much you love them. Offer to make or buy their favorite dinner for them. Most importantly, listen to them. Allow them to vent when they need to, and ask if they want you to just listen or offer solutions.

Also, you may have to just say it plainly: “I will not break up with you if you get fired or left your job.” You might have to do it frequently. Tell them you only want what’s best for them, and you support their decisions no matter what they choose. I would also point out the amount of stress they’re under and gently encourage them to slowly begin looking for another job. Make it clear that you’re not going anywhere, and that you will support them through difficult decisions. That’s all you can do.

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How Do I Do Safe Sex In My Poly Relationship?

Q:

I’m intentionally poly for the first time, and am dating two of cis women. I too am a cis woman. I’m struggling to find resources around what safe sex looks like for cis women doing various things involving fingers, mouths, vulvas, and toys with other cis women. Testing? Barriers? I’ve always thought of sex between cis women as much less risky than PIV sex for spreading most STDs, but I would love to be a little better informed about specific risks at this stage in my sex life! What resources or anecdotal experiences can you share?

A:

Summer: This is a great question because sexual health is incredibly heteronormative and always presumes a penis-to-vagina dyad. As a trans woman, it’s easier for me to locate applicable sex ed to transfemme + cisfemme couplings than resources for multiple cis women. I’m glad you gave us the anatomical rundown because that helps a lot.

Off the top of my head:

1. STIs can and do transmit between vulvae. Herpes, genital warts, and HPV can transmit via skin contact. Statistically, any group of 3 adult Americans probably includes a herpes-positive person and it’s really quite a benign virus. The HPV vaccine comes highly recommended if any of you are under 26 because it protects against HPV and cervical cancer. Genital warts are caused by HPV and are very treatable.
2. Fluid-borne illnesses can also transmit during sex. The LA County Public Health site indicates that bacterial vaginosis, trichomonas, chlamydia, gonorrhea, and syphilis are also transmissible in cis women. The former is incredibly common and you probably know how to manage it. The latter four are very treatable, normally using antibiotics. Screening is also possible, but that’ll have to be assessed based on what symptoms you may experience and what your concerns are. That’s a convo between you and a physician.
3. There are extraordinarily rare cases of HIV transmission between cis women. Of course, HIV is quite straightforward to test for (I’ve had a couple of HIV scares). In the USA, AFAB people account for a relatively small 24% of the HIV+ population. HIV is incurable, but quite manageable with medication.

In my mind, the thing that’s more important than lists of illnesses is the chain of risk and prevention. My girlfriend and I are poly and we often discuss the chain of risk. In the context of being poly, it’s the trail of potential risk points that lead to you. Everyone’s chain looks different, but it’s important to establish one to figure out how much and what kind of screening, protection, and support are necessary.

Determining this chain requires total transparency and non-judgement from everyone involved. You basically sit down as a group and discuss every recent (up to one year ago) sexual partner and their anatomy. Then as a group, trace the chain down to the three of you as individuals and establish risk. For example, if someone has regular penile intercourse with a trusted partner, the potential risks to the polycule should be discussed and resolved. Someone might have lots of unprotected sex with unknown or random partners. Someone had a one-night stand a while ago that led to no ill effects half a year ago. As far as people are comfortable with it, this should be laid out and precautions should be taken. That’s more relevant if you have other sexual engagements outside of the polycule. If you don’t, then this is basically an evaluation of recent partners and risks taken, and what measures everyone can take to ensure a good bill of health.

Either way, it’s an extended version of the basic check of sexual health with new partners. But more in-depth. Because in a polyamorous environment, any medical intrusion is both harder to track and exposes more people to danger. I consider it a polyamorous red flag if a person isn’t willing to be utterly transparent about their sexual past in order to protect others. And I likewise consider it a bold green flag when partners treat this conversation as valuable, candid, and even fun. Exactly what and how much people should be asked to disclose is up to the group to establish, but there should be a high degree of love and trust.

Oh right. Barriers methods. Well, once you’ve discussed and explored your chain of risk, you’ll have a good idea of what kind of barrier methods you need. For example, you may start mandating condom use with penile partners outside of the polycule to protect the people within. There are a few barrier methods of protection and all are valid.

If you’re unsure about each other’s status or have an ‘ick factor’ with bodily fluids, dental dams offer oral protection on the vulva and anus. They can be made from penile condoms. Penile condoms are also great. If you want to transfer penetrative toys between orifices and are concerned about fluid mixing, putting on a penile condom is effective. Also makes cleanup easier, but used sex toys should still be washed. This goes triple for anal penetration. Anything that goes into the anus should not be transferred into a vaginal canall. I shudder at the very thought.

I hope this long and comprehensive answer turns out to be helpful. Although the discussion of barriers and protection is useful, I left it for last because that discussion about risks and mitigation is far more important. And having those important discussions will tell you whether or not you need barrier methods, and how much you need.