Q:
Hello Autostraddle,
Most of the dating advice I see is just “be confident” and “love yourself.” This is crushing to me because it is genuinely such a hard thing to do. I’m not the type of person that can trick myself into “faking it until I make it.” I’ve suffered from a devastatingly low self esteem and mental health problems since I was a child. Validation from my friends don’t make me feel better about myself. I’m starting to worry that no one could ever love me because I hate myself so much (I’m told that people can’t love someone who doesn’t love themselves).
I tell people I have social anxiety because I don’t know what else to call it (I don’t know if I’m just shy or if I have an undiagnosed disorder). I have a terribly deep rooted belief that anyone I could approach (without them approaching me first) will always dislike me and think I’m not good enough, and that the people who DO say they like me are just lying to make me feel better about myself. Whatever it is, it’s making it really hard to date or just make friends. I’m really insecure, and I feel like everyone else can tell I’m insecure too.
Please help,
Very lonely and very sad
A:
Hi self-identified sad and lonely reader,
Firstly, I must say I’m sorry you feel so sad and lonely. You’re completely valid in your feelings, and I get what you mean when you say your friends’ validation doesn’t really help. If we feel at our core that we’re unlovable, no amount of external affection or praise is going to significantly change that. I think about that quote from RuPaul more often than I probably should: “if you can’t love yourself how the hell are you going to love anyone else.” I think it’s a bit more nuanced than this, but unfortunately a lot of folks use it as a catch-all for half-assed dating advice. Being confident and loving yourself is a hard thing to do. It takes work, practice, and an acceptance that you will be bad at it at first, just like learning to play an instrument or speak a language. It’s a lifelong process that you can invite other people into as you learn and grow.
However, if you haven’t started the work of loving yourself at all, I might err on the side of waiting to date until you have a grasp of what it is you’re dealing with. It sounds like you have a lot of internal thoughts and feelings swirling around, and you want it to make sense and be easy, but it just isn’t.
This brings me to a very important question buried underneath your insecurities: what are you looking for out of dating? Do you want to feel loved? Cared for? Or maybe you want someone to go have fun with? A distraction? Beyond what exactly you want out of a relationship (sex, intimacy, fun, etc.), there’s a need or desire there. I would encourage you to access this if you can to really reflect on what it is that you need and how you can give this to yourself in little ways.
For example, one of my major love languages is gift giving. I can’t expect any significant other to give me constant gifts because that’s just excessive. However, if I know I love receiving little things because I like being thought of, I sometimes make my bed in the morning or prep a good breakfast as a way to give a thoughtful gift to my future self. We can only start in small ways we can handle, so if loving yourself means you’re going to walk outside in the sunshine for ten minutes, label it as your self-love for the day.
Fear and anxiety has a function. What is yours doing for you? Protecting you from danger? Alerting you of a human need? Our little voices are trying to protect us, but this often can get out of hand. After all, we’re no longer an ancient civilization who needs survival instincts to protect ourselves from being eaten, and yet, our nervous system still operates this way. Meet a lack of self-esteem with curiosity.
You cannot control what other people think and feel. That is always going to be the case. What I’m hearing, though, is that you’re doing a lot of emotional labor by interpreting what other people are thinking or feeling. I get that you probably would love to change this but it feels impossible. That’s where therapy comes in. You know there are little voices in your head telling you all these horrible things about yourself, and therapy will help you understand why, and then give you tools to confront these feelings. They will also help you figure out any mental disorder stuff you want to sort through.
Approach cultivating a friendship with yourself as you would with other people. Notice likes, dislikes, fun or unique things, and comment on them to yourself. Getting acquainted with yourself through therapy and self-love with ultimately help you get acquainted with forming relationships in whatever that looks like for you.
Wish you lots of self-love,
Em
You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.
