This piece contains spoilers for Riverdale… obviously.
On March 12, 2020, my second day in quarantine, I tweeted: Fuck it I’m starting Glee. Over the next two months, I watched six seasons of that delightful and horrifying show as I struggled through those early days of Covid.
Well, it’s time I start another long-running teen show. But a lot has changed since March 2020. For one, Twitter is pretty much dead. That’s why I’m going to try something new as I make my way through Greg Berlanti’s spin on the Archie comics. I’m going to be posting thoughts, jokes, and screenshots in this article. My very own Riverdale-specific Twitter.
Something else has changed since March 2020: I have a full time job and an IRL social life. That’s why I’m giving myself until the end of 2024. That feels like a reasonable amount of time to make it through seven seasons and 137 episodes.
I started with season one but now I’m just updating this piece whenever I watch. Hop into the jalopy! It’s gonna be a fun ride!
Okay so everything I know about Riverdale I gleaned from Riverdale superfan and Autostraddle managing editor Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya plus a brief love of the Archie comics as a child.
- Archie is a redhead, Jughead has a hat, Betty is blonde, and Veronica is brunette.
- I think Archie and Jughead can never decide whether they’re more into Betty or Veronica.
- Archie drives a jalopy.
- Betty is bisexual. (But also maybe every character is bisexual?)
- Josie and the Pussycats
- Charles Melton doesn’t show up until season two.
- The show has multiple timelines maybe in a multiverse sort of way?
- At some point, there is magic and various fantasy elements.
- At some point, Archie goes to prison.
- During the final season, Archie, Jughead, Betty, and Veronica form a polycule.
And with that… let’s start episode 1.
I just shouted MILLENNIAL?? Definitely assumed this was going to take place in the 50’s.
Every year in my shitty suburb, I waited for a hot new person to show up and it never happened. Imagine CAMILA MENDES walks into your little diner. I get it Arch.
Oh okay Camila Mendes is going to be a problem for me. (The good kind.) Now I understand why you all liked that terrible Netflix movie with her.
I AM HOOKED !
This observation is going to be for like six people but Cole Sprous’ narrator voice has the exact same cadence as the narrator of Magnolia.
POOR BETTY !! A boy with an acoustic guitar is so dangerous for a girl that age.
Are Betty and Cheryl gonna kiss?
No okay not today.
I am loving this Betty/Jughead investigative journalism angle.
Cheryl might be my favorite character so far.
Wow Riverdale doing a Me Too storyline before Weinstein. Good for them even if it does involve something called a “Sticky Maple.”
The Josie and the Pussycats facing racism in Riverdale storyline at the start of the episode just a tad undermined by the deeply uncomfortable racial politics of the revenge plot storyline at the end !!
I’m sorry but Jughead would not call Tarantino “the godfather of indie cinema.” I don’t think he’s supposed to be cool, but he’s cooler than THAT.
Well… choices are certainly being made with this Ms. Grundy storyline.
Polly is suicidal? That’s the big secret? In my hometown, that was called being a teenager!
If I was Hermione Lodge, I’d be so annoyed that my daughter is seemingly around every corner when I’m just trying to hookup/make shady money deals.
I’m trying not to comment upon every film reference (or every exciting guest star) but this next episode is called “In a Lonely Place” and I do need to say that Nicholas Ray’s In a Lonely Place is one of the best movies of all time.
Everyone is being so chill about Polly going from missing to having a baby shower.
Veronica has such Emma Woodhouse/Cher Horowitz energy.
Now THAT is how you do an episode of television.
Do we think it was always the plan for Cheryl’s dad to have a creepy red wig collection or was that in response to people online asking why he was wearing such a bad wig?
Unfortunately, I understand Archie because as a youth I also fell in love with every girl except the one who fell in love with me.
Betty and Cheryl are related?? I’m so glad they didn’t make out!
WAIT
Oh no… Polly. Oh God.
Why didn’t Betty’s dad say that was why Polly and Jason couldn’t date?? He knew, right??
Accurate representation of the legal system that the mayor and sheriff are busy worrying about smalltime drug dealers after discovering the kingpin killed his own son and then himself.
Not to sound surprised, but this episode is actually really sharp about moral panics around crime and how our society reacts to violence??
And now the show is taking on the broken foster system? Who knew Riverdale was political!
I need these girls to stop calling their actually fathers daddy.
Sorry but Betty going full righteous journalist is making her very hot to me.
Wow okay I don’t know how it took me so long to realize this but Riverdale premiered in 2017 which makes it a total Trump era show. I’ll wait until I watch more seasons to say anything declarative but Glee was the quintessential Obama era teen show premiering in 2009 and it makes total sense Riverdale would be the quintessential Trump era teen show premiering in 2017.
Cheryl’s monologue to her mom… this episode really walking that line between violent and horny.
Not the return of Ms. Grundy !
NOT THE DEATH OF MS. GRUNDY !!!
The repeated trauma faced by Archie and the kids of Riverdale is meant to represent the trauma of today’s youth amidst political violence and mass shootings. In this essay I will…
Is the Josie and the Pussycats cover of “Milkshake” on Spotify?
It is!
Riverdale is turning into Zodiac, meanwhile Archie thinks he’s in The Avengers and Veronica thinks she’s in Gilmore Girls.
Betty is anti-cruising so actually NOT ally.
Comments
“Me finding out Riverdale is a murder mystery set in the present and not a regular teen soap set in the 50’s.” askdaksjdjks
“Kayla was always talking about how good Lili Reinhart is on this show and she was right !!”
THANK YOU
also realizing i should probably do one mega comment instead of multiple but la la la
I saw your initial 3 comments this afternoon, and when I pulled up Autostraddle this evening I saw this post was up to 13 comments and thought to myself “what are the chances all these are Kayla??” (Which I would have loved, tbh)
“Slightly disappointed Polly isn’t also played by Lili Reinhart but with like a fake nose or something.”
THIS is why Hollywood needs to be paying you the big bucks
It would’ve been so good !!
Okay this is it I have resisted it as the perfect show to knit to for SO long and this has tipped me over the edge…I will be watching Riverdale. My OG goal to watch all of Roger Eberts faves can just run in parallel.
Also this all of this was great but this made me cackle out loud on the bus and is so true, “ ! A boy with an acoustic guitar is so dangerous for a girl that age.”
WELCOME!!!
Yessss join me!
I was wondering why Riverdale pilot photos were popping up in the media gallery and I am DELIGHTED to discover that this is the answer. My favorite way to consume Riverdale is through other people, especially the later seasons that I didn’t watch, so I’m excited for this!!!!
LOL SAME Valerie I was like praytell what Riverdale post is in the works??? every time I entered the media library. (Also obviously same re: excitement)
Lmao Kayla did text me like I SEE RIVERDALE PICTURES IN WORDPRESS
As can be seen in the pictures, the most important reason why I never watched this series is the unstable relationships of the characters.
Even a character who is apparently a lesbian has several relationships with men.
For me, who loves pure love (true love) stories, this amount of drama is unbearable.
I’m not sure what you mean by “pure love”, could you explain?
This is perfect for me, someone who has purposefully never watched Riverdale and only seen wild GIFs of it. Now I can learn what’s actually going on without watching it!
That Netflix movie was one of the worst things I’ve ever seen but YES Camila Mendes. Love of my life. And maybe it’s just the lesbianism talking but I legit think she’s a great actor! Oscar for her next!
So ready for this journey – might be the thing that finally gets me to watch the later seasons
“Just you wait, Betty. I hear by season seven you’re DEFINITELY poly.”
Oh, yes. Now there’re the good puns I live for.
Yes. Love bonus riverdale coverage now the show is over. Me and my girlfriend still reference the show at least once a week and I am constantly trying to get people to watch it and also admit that it is actually very good. Very excited to see what you think of the later seasons (I am of the opinion that the weirder and wilder it gets the better but that is not what lots of people think)
It’s def what I think!! 🙏🏽
Yesssss this is why I loved your recaps and other websites made me mad
I also caved and started to watch Riverdale last fall and finished it right before new year.
It was a struggle sometimes and Cheryl Marjorie Blossom was the only thing that kept me going.
Yes.The first” The Americans” reference i see on autostraddle.
Not surprising,since the show was so overwhelmigly heterosexual.But sooo great nonetheless.
I looove this show ,that show and Buffy i rewatch many times.
To me Keri Russell as Elizabeth Jennings some of the most complex and kick ass cis-female characters( in the true sense of the word)and Buffy too.
and i like the fact the male lead character is in “the americans” more like many female characters In otherTV shows are.more doubting,etc.
Drew, What are your thoughts about that show in general and in Liz Jennings in particular?
PS i so hoped they would have a intimate RL to a same sex source but they choose to be 100% straight.
Omg I had the same thought Hahaha. Elizabeth Jennings female character of all time for being emotionally repressed in a way only male characters are allowed to be
Ps. Same! They would both have gone gay for mother russia and I for one would have liked to see it
PERFECT COMMENTARY AS ALWAYS!
I always saw Betty’s anti-cruising talk to be more about “don’t go out into the woods to meet strange men when so many murderers are loose” but I get that mileage may vary.
Thrilled you loved the rain fight as much as I did AND that you got that the “Mad World” scene is Good Actually because it is.
And yes, Barchie actually only gets better the longer they date other people and fall into other roles on the show.
Incredible article, me and my wife (diehard riverdale fans) have not been able to shut up about our fave autrostraddle writer reviewing the best television show of all time. Can’t wait for your thoughts on season 3, Incredibly correct takes so far! I have about 40 tumblr posts I wish I could send you