This piece contains spoilers for Riverdale… obviously. 

On March 12, 2020, my second day in quarantine, I tweeted: Fuck it I’m starting Glee. Over the next two months, I watched six seasons of that delightful and horrifying show as I struggled through those early days of Covid.

Well, it’s time I start another long-running teen show. But a lot has changed since March 2020. For one, Twitter is pretty much dead. That’s why I’m going to try something new as I make my way through Greg Berlanti’s spin on the Archie comics. I’m going to be posting thoughts, jokes, and screenshots in this article. My very own Riverdale-specific Twitter.

Something else has changed since March 2020: I have a full time job and an IRL social life. That’s why I’m giving myself until the end of 2024. That feels like a reasonable amount of time to make it through seven seasons and 137 episodes.

I started with season one but now I’m just updating this piece whenever I watch. Hop into the jalopy! It’s gonna be a fun ride!

April 10th Update: I have now finished season two! It took me way longer than I expected, but like Betty solving a mystery, Archie protecting his dad, or Jughead trying to reference as many movies as possible, I shall never give up!

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Okay so everything I know about Riverdale I gleaned from Riverdale superfan and Autostraddle managing editor Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya plus a brief love of the Archie comics as a child.

1. Archie is a redhead, Jughead has a hat, Betty is blonde, and Veronica is brunette.
2. I think Archie and Jughead can never decide whether they’re more into Betty or Veronica.
3. Archie drives a jalopy.
4. Betty is bisexual. (But also maybe every character is bisexual?)
5. Josie and the Pussycats
6. Charles Melton doesn’t show up until season two.
7. The show has multiple timelines maybe in a multiverse sort of way?
8. At some point, there is magic and various fantasy elements.
9. At some point, Archie goes to prison.
10. During the final season, Archie, Jughead, Betty, and Veronica form a polycule.

And with that… let’s start episode 1.

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I just shouted MILLENNIAL?? Definitely assumed this was going to take place in the 50’s.

Every year in my shitty suburb, I waited for a hot new person to show up and it never happened. Imagine CAMILA MENDES walks into your little diner. I get it Arch.

Oh okay Camila Mendes is going to be a problem for me. (The good kind.) Now I understand why you all liked that terrible Netflix movie with her.

I AM HOOKED !

This observation is going to be for like six people but Cole Sprous’ narrator voice has the exact same cadence as the narrator of Magnolia.

POOR BETTY !! A boy with an acoustic guitar is so dangerous for a girl that age.

Are Betty and Cheryl gonna kiss?

No okay not today.

I am loving this Betty/Jughead investigative journalism angle.

Cheryl might be my favorite character so far.

Wow Riverdale doing a Me Too storyline before Weinstein. Good for them even if it does involve something called a “Sticky Maple.”

The Josie and the Pussycats facing racism in Riverdale storyline at the start of the episode just a tad undermined by the deeply uncomfortable racial politics of the revenge plot storyline at the end !!

I’m sorry but Jughead would not call Tarantino “the godfather of indie cinema.” I don’t think he’s supposed to be cool, but he’s cooler than THAT.

Well… choices are certainly being made with this Ms. Grundy storyline.

Polly is suicidal? That’s the big secret? In my hometown, that was called being a teenager!

If I was Hermione Lodge, I’d be so annoyed that my daughter is seemingly around every corner when I’m just trying to hookup/make shady money deals.

I’m trying not to comment upon every film reference (or every exciting guest star) but this next episode is called “In a Lonely Place” and I do need to say that Nicholas Ray’s In a Lonely Place is one of the best movies of all time.

Everyone is being so chill about Polly going from missing to having a baby shower.

Veronica has such Emma Woodhouse/Cher Horowitz energy.

Now THAT is how you do an episode of television.

Do we think it was always the plan for Cheryl’s dad to have a creepy red wig collection or was that in response to people online asking why he was wearing such a bad wig?

Unfortunately, I understand Archie because as a youth I also fell in love with every girl except the one who fell in love with me.

Betty and Cheryl are related?? I’m so glad they didn’t make out!

WAIT

Oh no… Polly. Oh God.

Why didn’t Betty’s dad say that was why Polly and Jason couldn’t date?? He knew, right??

Accurate representation of the legal system that the mayor and sheriff are busy worrying about smalltime drug dealers after discovering the kingpin killed his own son and then himself.

Not to sound surprised, but this episode is actually really sharp about moral panics around crime and how our society reacts to violence??

And now the show is taking on the broken foster system? Who knew Riverdale was political!

I need these girls to stop calling their actually fathers daddy.

Sorry but Betty going full righteous journalist is making her very hot to me.

Wow okay I don’t know how it took me so long to realize this but Riverdale premiered in 2017 which makes it a total Trump era show. I’ll wait until I watch more seasons to say anything declarative but Glee was the quintessential Obama era teen show premiering in 2009 and it makes total sense Riverdale would be the quintessential Trump era teen show premiering in 2017.

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Cheryl’s monologue to her mom… this episode really walking that line between violent and horny.

Not the return of Ms. Grundy !

NOT THE DEATH OF MS. GRUNDY !!!

The repeated trauma faced by Archie and the kids of Riverdale is meant to represent the trauma of today’s youth amidst political violence and mass shootings. In this essay I will…

Is the Josie and the Pussycats cover of “Milkshake” on Spotify?

It is!

Riverdale is turning into Zodiac, meanwhile Archie thinks he’s in The Avengers and Veronica thinks she’s in Gilmore Girls.

Betty is anti-cruising so actually NOT ally.

Red ski masks? Those look pink to me.

Do we think maybe instead of punishing the teenage boy whose dad was shot, immediately followed by the woman who sexually assaulted him getting strangled, an adult in this town could get him some therapy?

Alice Cooper remains the scariest character.

Officially, I think the Serpent/Bulldog conflict is misguided, but sorry I do think this fight in the rain is cool.

I’m sorry but I can’t take this kid seriously as a threat with the name Sweet Pea.

Not me getting teary over Bughead…

Is Jingle Jangle molly in a pixie stick tube?

Okay for a second I thought Betty was actually the Black Hood. She isn’t, right?

Very impressive how seriously these actors say words like Ghoulies.

This episode is called “Death Proof” but it should’ve been called “Searching for Sugarman.”

Ahhh Tony Todd guest star!

I appreciate this Chuck Clayton redemption arc.

These kids love to accuse people of murder!

The show has been giving Cheryl nothing to do lately, but Madelaine Petsch is A-C-T-I-N-G. Every line delivery is perfect.

I should probs look into why I wasn’t into Archie and Betty together until after they’d dated each other’s best friends.

I don’t care how contrived it is to shut down Southside High, bringing Jughead and Toni to Riverdale High is NECESSARY.

“40 minutes later, the Black Hood was burying me alive,” is actually such a good excuse for kissing your girlfriend’s bestie. Does not excuse selling her family out to the feds though!!

Riverdale loves to do something good politically — explore the whitewashing of genocidal history — in the same episodes they do something bad politically — frame Betty’s brother as a scary villain because he’s a sex worker.

This episode was directed by Gregg Araki???

Hmm okay maybe Betty’s brother isn’t going to be a villain. Still feel a tad weird about how that’s made to be a twist? But I guess meet people where they’re at.

Look, class is a factor for Jughead, but it’s just a liiiittle weird to watch a Sprouse twin yell at a Black woman that she’s failing at being an ally.

This FBI agent can’t possibly be in the FBI, right? Not even the FBI would have a teenager wear a wire to a gangster poker game.

Jughead has a shocking amount of face-to-face time with the town’s mayor.

None of the Riverdale kids are having fun but Betty is always REALLY going through it.

I knew the FBI agent wasn’t real !!

Chic going full creep and Cheryl’s mom taking clients in front of her daughter… yeah this show is super weird about sex work! And by super weird I mean extremely mainstream and predictable in its stigmatizing.

Ummm I don’t think burglary warrants an assassination in the woods, but maybe I’m weird !!

Wow so Cheryl comes out because of Love, Simon. Powerful cross-promotion indeed! (I am thrilled about Cheryl and Toni.)

Why is Betty’s dad asking for a divorce in front of Betty ?? The parents of Riverdale are so bad.

I want a Pop’s milkshake so badly.

It will be really funny if Chic isn’t scheming, he’s just naturally off-putting.

Noooo Archie don’t buy into the lie that prisons keep people safer ur so sexy aha

The Lodges opening a private prison feels a little like Gen Q making Dani’s family the Sacklers. Like I get the vibe they don’t realize just how unforgivably evil they’re making these characters?

Well, sending Cheryl to a 1950s via Ryan Murphy style asylum conversion therapy is… a choice.

Is H. Jon Benjamin the narrator of this conversion therapy film??

MUSICAL EPISODE !!!!!!!!

Not the Klumpster !!

Okay, to be fair to Archie, I do think abolition would be a tougher sell to a kid who has a new serial killer on the loose in his small town every few months.

Mädchen Amick and Skeet Ulrich are ACTING.

I think Betty should put her phone on vibrate until this serial killer stops calling her.

For years, I wanted the erotic thriller back. Who knew it was happening over on the CW in Riverdale?

When do these kids have time to study??

The Black Hood attacking Cheryl shot just like The Shining. This show really is made by a bunch of nerds.

Oh my God. Does every season of Riverdale end with someone learning their dad is a killer?

The fans must’ve been pissed about this dead Jughead fake out.

I’m a Betty sun, Jughead moon… Veronica rising?

And that’s season two!!

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Wait, I just remembered at some point Archie goes to prison. So that will probably happen now??

Not the Gargoyle King!

Plea deals are bad.

I mean, prisons shouldn’t exist at all. But plea deals are extra bad.

DID THOSE BABIES JUST FLY??