Welcome to the 81st edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from A+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box! Here, we answer your questions in a space just for A+ members, safe from the general public. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Here, the Autostraddle team’s doling out advice on everything from sex and relationships, to friend and family dynamics, career questions, style, and more! We’re doing this column TWICE a month, now.
Every SECOND A+ Advice box of the month is themed! Next month’s theme is going to be TRAVEL AND ROAD TRIPS AND CAMPING. Do you need…safety tips? Are you planning a trip and you want to know if anyone else has been to a certain destination and has recommendations? Do you want to talk about camping equipment? This is near and dear to my heart as someone who often loves visiting various places in the US but who also looks, even alone, when minding my own business, “visibly” queer and who therefore wonders about my safety sometimes (all the times). Anyway, let’s talk about it! Get those questions in by April 10th!
The general Into the A+ Advice Boxes, where we take questions on practically any topic, publish on the first Friday of each month, and you can send questions on any topic, at any time.
So, now, let’s dig in!!
Q1:
Recently I’ve been hung up again on my gender. I came out as genderqueer/non-binary a few years ago, and I use she/they pronouns. I tend to go between not thinking about gender at all for a few months, and then having a GENDER CRISIS, where it’s all-consuming for a couple of weeks, and the cycle repeats again and I don’t really care anymore.
Basically during the times where I’m questioning, I find myself wanting to present more masc, and also take testosterone. But I recognize that taking hormones would cause problems for me with my family (would stop talking to me), friends (mostly aren’t queer and I don’t think would get it), and probably in my relationship (very supportive partner but I know not as attracted to masculinity). I’m also in a job I like where I travel internationally, which would be made harder the more gender non-conforming I’d present.
How do you navigate these situations where you don’t NEED something to be happy most of the time, and exploring gender through a pretty medical, permanent means like hormones might create more problems and unhappiness in your life than happiness it brings genderwise?
A:
Nico: Hellooo! Thank you so much for writing in. I bounce around kind of similar feelings of like yeah maybe I want HRT but I don’t want it all of the time and it’s a commitment in a lot of ways so why would I do something I am not fully committed to? So I feel you there! I think when it comes to exploring your masculinity, there are lots of ways to do it without hormones — from dress, to exercise and strength training programs designed to emphasize certain parts of the body over others (like to build up shoulders for example), to going by a new name or a nickname among certain friends / socially but not in the workplace. So, I feel like, if you don’t want to explore hormone therapy, then you can still explore your gender and presentation in a lot of different ways that may help you feel happier and more satisfied. I also, and this is optional and totally up to you, recommend exploring ways to meet more queer / trans people or to spend more time in explicitly queer / trans spaces if those are available to you. I am concerned that you feel like you don’t have enough support right now in your circles should you decide to go the route of hormones or more medically transitioning, and even if you never do that, I still really want you to feel like you have some people who are down with your authentic self, whoever that may be at any given time. I’m not saying to ditch your fam or your friends or your partner, but I do think that being around other queer / trans people is refreshing and helpful really beneficial when it comes to feeling supported and also when it comes to getting ideas for yourself and how you want to live.
Darcy: Hi friend! I hard agree with Nico that you could use some supportive peers in your life around this! I know it’s not available everywhere, but my town has a local LGBTQ+ center with some social and support groups that are great for meeting other people in similar boats. If that’s not realistic in your area, hanging out online in queer and trans affirming spaces will be better than nothing!
I am not an expert on hormones by any means, but I definitely don’t think that you have to go all-in right away. It’s possible that there will be low-dose options that might help you figure out more of how you feel about them! Also, while starting T would definitely cause changes that you will notice, when traveling for work, etc., you’ll be interacting with people who don’t know you and don’t know your medical history, and humans and their gender presentations are wildly varied, even among cis people! It’s possible that some of the changes that come about won’t be anything that casual coworkers notice. The straights can be so oblivious sometimes!
Whatever you decide, wishing you peace and community!
Q2:
What are the latest tactics or philosophies y’all are embracing for surviving (or even thriving in!) late capitalism and destruction of our environment? My MDD is confused by the task of going about daily life as if anyone other than Boomers and the 1% will get to enjoy retirement.
A:
Heather: One of my dearest, lifelong friends passed away last year after a long battle with cancer. About a year and a half before she died, her doctors told her she’d reached the place where her cancer was incurable. Eventually, though they didn’t know when, it would kill her. There was nothing else they could do. Some kind of switch flipped in her spirit when she received that news. Up until then, every day had become about fighting to live as long as she could, with so many treatments that caused her so much suffering. Then she got the news that she was dying, no matter what, and so she stopped fighting to live for 20 or 30 or 40 more years, and just started living again. The last 18 months of her life were not without heartache and pain — she couldn’t even eat solid food — but by god she fucking lived. She traveled with her husband, went on short hikes, spent days by the ocean, days in the forest watching birds (her all-time favorite thing), adopted a dog, tried a billion recipes to liquify her food, learned to knit, wrote and wrote and wrote, told endless jokes and stories, attended concerts, watched movies, did all the things she loved with the people she loved as much as she could.
Last week, I added a book to my GoodReads and it told me that friend was in the middle of reading it. She wasn’t — she’d been reading it when she passed away. Seeing that notification knocked the breath out of my body, partly due to grief but partly due to the profound sense of awe I felt thinking about how she died in the middle of reading a book she loved. Every time she picked up a new book, she must have wrestled with the desire to lose herself in stories like she always had since she was a kid, and “What’s the point? I might not even live long enough to finish it.” But she kept reading anyway.
I learned so much through my friend’s cancer, and through her husband before and after she died. It changed the way I think about… well, everything. It feels trite to say that none of us know what will happen tomorrow, so we have to live today to its fullest — until you watch someone you love, who’s dying, live every day. And I don’t mean constantly doing, either; she had to sleep a lot! But even if her days were spent in bed, they were spent with her husband, her puppy, her friends, her books, her shows, her gratitude, her enormous love. Sometimes I think she was more peaceful in her final months than she had been in her whole life, because she was focused only on the now.
And I guess that’s how I’m dealing with all the things you said. Who knows if I’ll retire, who knows if the ocean will swallow NYC while I’m still alive, who knows if the entire socio-political landscape of the world will be the same in five or ten years. Seriously, who knows? The world has been remaking itself since the beginning. We’re hardly a cricket’s breath of life in the enormity of the universe. The only things I can do are the things I can do. I can do the most good I can, and cause the least harm possible. I can be an activist and an ally. I can grieve and cry and rage when I need to. And I can waller around in the joys of my life as much as possible, even just the comfort of a warm cat in my lap while I read the book my friend didn’t get to finish.
There’s this quote from NK Jemisin’s The Stone Sky that I always come back to, that I wish I could get tattooed onto my heart: “To those who’ve survived: Breathe. That’s it. Once more. Good. You’re good. Even if you’re not, you’re alive. That is a victory.”
Q3:
Help! I have a significant crush on [REDACTED]. Obviously celeb crushes are tricky and you don’t want to think you know someone based on their public image, BUT–you know when you’re at the bar/party and you see that stunning girl who moves in that mesmerizing way and you are seized with the need to ask her out? I have been seized! How do I ask this funny, talented goddess out on a date? Is it so wrong to think that you could have an IRL connection with a person who isn’t in your RL? Isn’t this a classically queer dilemma?
Sincerely,
Daydreaming Dyke
A:
Ro: I think the best way I can answer this question involves sharing a piece of my own experience.
I used to be an actor. To be clear, I have never been a celebrity (thank goodness — I would hate that!), but I’ve been in a handful of movies that appeal to a niche group of people. Over the years, a number of people who don’t know me in real life have asked me out (sometimes via social media, sometimes after meeting me in person at an event) because they saw me in a movie, a TV show, or a play and thought I was attractive or liked my vibe. And when that’s happened, I’ve felt SUPER uncomfortable, and I have never dated or flirted with someone who approached me in this way — because there’s an uneven playing field from the start. In these interactions, the person approaching me is familiar with my work history, what I’ve shared about my life in interviews, what I’ve looked like throughout the years, and (in some cases, depending on which movies and plays they’ve seen) what I look like naked, but I know exactly ZERO THINGS about them. It feels weird and unfair, and it immediately puts me in a defensive, protective headspace.
Do I think it’s wrong for people to ask me out because they like the work I used to do? No, of course not. It’s perfectly fine to respectfully ask someone out on a date. But when it happens in this way, I don’t like it.
This is just my experience — maybe the person you’re crushing on loves being approached by strangers who appreciate her public image. If you have an opportunity to hang out with this person IRL (for example, if you see her at local events), I think the best thing you can do is politely introduce yourself and see if there’s a spark. Prepare for a potentially closed-off reaction, and prepare to be disappointed — lots of public people are absolutely nothing like the public image they use to make money. No matter what, you still get to enjoy whatever creative or public work this celebrity puts out into the world — and when you want to appreciate her beauty, you always have Google image search.
Valerie Anne: I am not famous, and even less publicly exposed than Ro has been, but I have similar opinions about this from my own experiences. When someone DMs me on Twitter saying something like, “I’ve followed you on Twitter for a long time and love reading your Autostraddle articles, will you go on a date with me” when we have never had a conversation prior to that, it makes me very uncomfortable. For a lot of the reasons Ro said, about how they’re entering this situation with SO much more information about me than I have about them, for one. I also have some friends who are actors who have expressed a similar sentiment; it’s a strange situation, but unless you meet organically, through friends or at events, there’s not really a good way to go about it. I think crushes on public figures outside your circles are best left as just fun crushes. I feel like sometimes celebrities, especially when they’re more active on social media, can feel more accessible than they really are, which conflates fandom with real feelings. My advice would be enjoy your crush for what it is and find someone who IS in your real life to flirt with.
Q4:
Hi team, love & appreciate what you all do.
My question: How do I survive moving back in with homophobic family as a ~30 year old? I’ve burned out and quit my overseas job with nothing lined up. I’m going to stay at my childhood home short-term until I sort myself out. It’ll be my mom there and her partner.
I’m really worried most about my mom. Her “let’s not talk about it” reaction to me coming out as bi in my early 20s hurt me more than I understood at the time. Since then, “gay” has started to feel like a better label and I have no reason to think she’d be more understanding now. We’ve never talked about that part of my life – don’t talk about much at all. And she’s gotten into anti-LGBTQ+ right wing bullshit.
I’m struggling with A) shame at my job situation, B) shame at being semi-closeted, C) shame I haven’t pushed back on her more, D) fear of what comes next.
I’m not in danger in the same way I’d be as a minor. Just wondering how to navigate this time as an adult used to supporting herself, who now has to set new boundaries. Do you have any advice for me?
A:
Heather: This is so hard, and I am so sorry you’re having to navigate it. I have a similar experience with my family, where I didn’t realize just how deeply they hurt me when the best they could do was “let’s never mention it again” after I came out. ‘Cause you know what that does? It creates shame, it nurtures the idea that there’s something so vile about you that even your own parents can’t speak it out loud — so it makes perfect sense that you used the word “shame” so many times in this question. My therapist says that guilt is feeling bad about what you do, and shame is feeling bad about who you are; she also says that shame, almost always, spirals out from its source point and so, before you know it, what was someone else’s homophobia becomes you feeling bad about your own personal guts, your insides, your spirit, the you-ness of you, in a million ways, at times that could simply just be regular old everyday learning experiences for someone without that trauma. And I have seen it in myself, and I can see it in the way you asked this question.
So I think there’s two things here. There’s the part where you’re holding a lot of shame that has spiraled out from the hurt your family caused, which still hasn’t been healed. And then there’s the practical thing about how to get through the next several months. I know one of the worst things is when you write in for advice and someone tells you to get a therapist, but I just wanted to note that therapy is thing that finally — finally! — helped me shed all the shame I’d been carrying around. It was a long road with lots of tears, but ultimately cathartic beyond anything I could have imagined. So if that’s a possibility for you, that’s probably a good idea! Another idea is to get into an online support group for adults with homophobic parents. Hearing other people’s stories and sharing your own, that can also be so good for healing. If neither of those sound good to you, I have a kind of corny suggestion which is checking out Glennon Doyle’s Untamed, which is a really healing read around shame and homophobia. The We Can Do Hard Things podcast is an uplifting resource that spun off of the book.
As for dealing with your parents, you have to decide whether or not you’re going to confront this homophobia head-on, or just try to get through this time. If it were me — especially because if I’m reading this correctly, there’s a lot of right-wing propaganda involved — I would simply try to keep my head down and get out as quickly as I could. I would try to work on healing some of my own shame — and then, if I wanted to, down the road, I might tackle it with my family. If you do go that route, maybe you can just make them live by the rules they made you live by: don’t talk about it. You don’t want to hear their anti-LGBT bullshit, and they don’t want to hear about your sexuality. Just survive and advance. If you decide to try to change their hearts and minds, my advice is to try to get them away from whatever Newsmax/Fox News garbage they’re listening to. You’ll never be able to compete with the propaganda, so your first move has to be separating them from it, if you can.
I’m sending you lots of love and hopes for a peaceful time as you move into this new phase of your life! You’ve done nothing to be ashamed of!
Q5:
Hope you’re all doing well!
Do you have any tips on navigating dating or hooking up in small queer subcommunities?
I live in a big city where a lot of neat folks are on The Apps (TM) but online dating hasn’t been very fruitful so far (though I am grateful to have made one new friend).
Communication fizzles out easily, it’s hard to coordinate the first in-person meeting and no one has been interested in a second one yet.
The places where I’ve found a sense of community since moving here (in addition to other folks who’ve communicated that they’re into me) have been connected to niche, interconnected scenes with regular meetups and events.
If I grow closer with someone there and our relationship ends, how can I minimalize the awkwardness for both of us that comes with not having as much separate space to process afterwards? Or am I overthinking this?
A:
Valerie Anne: The way this question is worded, it sounds hypothetical. So I’m going to answer it hypothetically. Hypothetically, if you end up being close with someone in one of these smaller, niche communities, before entering into something more than friendship you have to consider, and possibly even discuss: what will this look like while we’re together, and would we be okay staying in this community together if this ends. There are ways to take space even within smaller communities – even the smallest communities have subsets – so I think as long as you make an effort to not throw a dynamite sticks into the situation, it can work out, even if things between you and another person don’t work out. You can alternate when you go to events, or one of you takes a break from the meetings entirely until you’re ready to share spaces again. Also you need to consider that however unlikely, there is always the SLIGHT possibility one or both of you would have to leave the community if things go too far sideways, and if that’s worth the risk.
I don’t think this applies to you and your situation but I’m going to add it as an addendum anyway, even if it’s just for someone else reading this advice: Do not, I repeat, do NOT, enter a niche community with the INTENTION of ONLY finding someone to date. Enter communities because you feel a connection with them, because you have a shared interest or a passion or hobby, to meet new people. I’ll use D&D as an example because it’s the first thing that came to mind when you said you had regular events and meetups, because of who I am as a person: Don’t pick up D&D just to find a partner if you hate tabletop games. If you already play D&D and join a queer D&D community, great. If you pick up D&D because you love storytelling and fantasy and want a new hobby and end up falling in with a D&D community, that’s awesome, too. You are indeed more likely to find someone you click with in a community where you already have one baseline thing in common, and I think that’s generally more reliable than a dating app. But entering a community with the sole purpose of finding a partner like a wolf putting on sheep’s clothing to infiltrate a herd is more of a dynamite situation like I mentioned above.
So basically what I’m saying is, yes I do think you’re overthinking this, but obviously as someone who overthought their response to it, I can relate. I think you just need to follow your heart and take each situation as it happens. But I don’t think the answer is “don’t date within your niche subcommunity” if you find someone special! If you live your life in the land of “what if” you’re not really living at all.
Q6:
my partner is just this side of a stone top (occasionally enjoys receiving, but has to be in the right headspace for it). as someone who skirts the edge of pillow princess/stone bottom, I’m absolutely fine with this. however, my issue comes with actually initiating sex- I don’t know how to indicate to them that I’m interested/in the mood, especially since lately they’ve been dealing with burnout/worsening depression and don’t initiate sex nearly as much as they used to. I don’t want them to feel like they “have to” get in the mood just because I am. especially since I’m the one receiving, ya feel me? it’s a weird combo of pillow-princess guilt (that I hate but can’t totally get rid of) and rejection sensitivity *and* knowing my sex drive is currently higher than my partner’s.
I love them, and I don’t want our sex life to totally die, but I also don’t want it to be a burden to them, or a chore. neither do I want to be that girlfriend who’s constantly asking if their partner still finds them sexy/is attracted to them, etc. BUT them turning me down several times in a row crushes my feelings into the dirt, even though I know it isn’t personal or about me specifically.
I know this isn’t so much one specific question, but I just feel a little lost, and could really use some help/advice
A:
Nico: Hey friend! First, just here to say that it’s okay and totally normal to have ups and downs in terms of your sex life in a longterm relationship especially when other factors are at play (depression, burnout). So, I want to encourage you to not panic, but to instead treat this as an opportunity to team up with your partner and see how y’all can work through everything that’s going on together. I feel like, there’s no way your partner is unaware of what your sexual dynamic is, so it’s probably better to discuss things openly rather than to let anything fester. Can you talk about what it would mean for you to initiate sex, together? Or whether that’s welcome at this time? Finally, I think that it would be good to internalize, for a minute, that your partner might be in a headspace where they aren’t up for sex right now, and that, yeah, unfortunately, asking them about it repeatedly might put strain on your relationship. But the only way to know that is going to be to talk to them, not just on a micro level of “how can I initiate sex” but on a macro level of about their mental health, your mental health, the current sexual dynamics within your relationship and what you both need in this moment — because I think your partner might need some support, too.
Q7:
I’m a cis woman new to lesbian sex and I’m looking for advice on how to ‘bottom’ / be mildly submissive to someone without being penetrated, but still with the overall vibe of getting fucked. We’ve already figured out a few things: strapping on a dildo and having her ride me hard (I love the thrusting action and feeling her shake my whole body), dry humping her leg, or her aggressively humping my ass (again basically just recreating a sex position without the penetration). I’m wondering if there are more creative options to get that primal, whole-body-involved fucking each other kind of vibe.
A:
Ro: Welcome to lesbian sex — I’m glad you’re having fun! I have a few ideas for you. Before I get into them, here’s a quick reminder: Anytime you’re trying something new during sex, even if it’s not “dangerous,” talk about it with your partner in advance so you both know what to expect. It’s also a good idea to agree on a safe word ahead of time so either you or your partner can easily bail if something hurts or just doesn’t feel right. I like using traffic light colors to keep it simple (“green” means “go for it,” “yellow” means “slow down,” and “red” means “stop everything now”). Ok, here are my ideas:
Rough sex: Try having your partner hold you down, pull your hair, shove their fingers in your mouth, etc., while fucking you. You can of course do these kinds of things to your partner, too, if they’re into it! You can also throw each other around, if that’s something that works for your bodies and strength levels (you can use chest harnesses or pelvic harnesses as “handles” if you need some extra assistance).
Impact play: Ask your partner to spank your ass with their hand or a paddle while they’re stimulating you with their fingers or a vibrator.
New positions: If you’re flexible, ask your partner to stimulate your clit while your legs are up over your head — this position can feel really submissive, and it gives your partner a great view of your ass. If flexibility isn’t your forte, here are two more position ideas that can feel submissive, depending on context: Have your partner bend you over a desk or table and stimulate you from behind, or ask your partner to sit on your face and “use” you.
Q8:
Hello A-Team,
I’m a bi/cis woman, getting serious with a cis/straight man for the first time since I came out. (Last serious relationship was with a woman.) Things have been going super well, and he recently floated the idea of me meeting his family soon. He’s been very open and accepting of my queerness – really no causes for concern there at all. But he’s from a pretty conservative family, who he’s close with, and from what he’s said, while they’re very nice people who would be generally accepting and not judgmental, they would definitely “disagree” with my “lifestyle.” Any advice on how to approach meeting them? I would definitely want to have a good conversation with him in advance about expectations, but I’m just not sure what I want those expectations to be. I definitely don’t want to hide things about my identity, but I’m also not trying to unnecessarily pick a fight. I’d appreciate your thoughts on it, thanks!!
A:
Sa’iyda: I’m not really sure why his family needs to know that you’re bi the first time you meet them? I understand being upfront and honest with the person you’re dating, that’s really important and you should absolutely be doing that. But his family? That feels like you’d be offering information you don’t need to necessarily offer right off the bat. Unless you see yourself with this man for the rest of your life (and even still!) you do not need to tell his family anything other than what they need to know. I don’t think it’s hiding your identity so much as protecting your peace until you need to bring it up (if ever!)
That being said, you definitely need to sit with him and talk about expectations and boundaries around conversations with his family. If they are “conservative”, then there’s likely going to be some sticky conversation topics. How is he going to step in and handle those conversations when they arise? Because it’s not your responsibility to squash those conversations if they make you uncomfortable. It’s his job to step in and protect you from them. Make sure you address any concerns you may have with him BEFORE you meet his family, this way you’re both clear on how things are going to go. They don’t need to know anything more than you WANT them to know.
Q9:
I need *practical* advice to deal with a libido gap.
I’ve done all the philosophical questioning, we’re both in individual therapy, couple’s therapy is on the horizon, we talk about it a lot, we are getting married, it’s okay that the gap is there and we are doing our best to reduce it and/or be fine with it. We have some options. Long term we are good.
What I want to know (and what all my therapists have been unhelpful with so far) is how do I handle it in the moment when I am horny as fuck and my fiancee is cute and sweet and platonic as hell? I keep getting into this cycle where I’m thinking about sex and then trying not to and then being distant because I’m busy thinking about not thinking… or I open my mouth, say how I’m feeling, and unwillingly reinforce this narrative that we are mismatched, that she is somehow not fulfilling my wants/needs and I end up adding pressure where I really want to be taking it off. Things I have tried and failed with :
– masturbating (makes me more horny)
– related media consumption (ditto)
– unrelated media consumption/doomscrolling – not great because I am just hiding feelings for later (also against wider therapist advice)
– lying (really not a fan of this one)
– sport (developed crushes on teammates).
Do you have any words of wisdom for an overly horny bitch like myself? Loads online about how you might need to break up for a libido gap, I accept that is one solution but it is not mine… thanks!
A:
Ro: You are allowed to be horny, and you are allowed to have sexual needs in your (presumably monogamous?) relationship. You are also not “overly horny” — you’re just a human being whose body has different wants and needs than your partner’s body. You say “it’s okay that the gap is there” and that you’re doing your best “to be fine with it,” but it doesn’t seem like you’re fine with it at all. It sounds like you’re incredibly stressed out by your mismatched libidos and you’re feeling some shame. That’s not a sustainable situation for anyone to be in. In situations like these, breaking up is often the healthiest option. But that doesn’t mean I have zero ideas for you.
It’s clear that you’ve tried a long list of things to fulfill your physical needs, and the obvious options, like masturbating, aren’t working. To me, that suggests that something needs to change in your relationship, with your partner’s involvement. Here are three things you can consider and run by your partner:
1. Mutual masturbation — This can be a low-pressure way to be sexual together, and it can also be a gentle way to get back into having sex after a long dry spell.
2. Non-sexual physical affection — Giving each other massages or cuddling might help you meet some of your physical touch needs without requiring sex.
3. One-sided sex — Would your partner feel comfortable fucking you without receiving genital stimulation in return? Having one-sided sex sometimes might increase your sexual frequency without your partner having to be “all-in.”
It’s also important to learn about your partner’s history with their libido (you might have answers to these questions already). Are they dealing with a lower libido right now because they’re under a lot of stress or taking a new medication? Or have they always had a lower libido? Could your partner be asexual? If it turns out that this is just where your partner’s libido naturally sits and your libido is naturally higher, then this relationship probably won’t be fulfilling for you in the long run, and I hope you’ll honor your sexuality (which is an important part of who you are!) and break up.
Q11:
Not a pressing question per se, but: what stealth-queer songs would the Autostraddle team/readers suggest I work into my wedding playlist? My mother has explicitly said she doesn’t want me to turn the wedding into a Pride Parade, and I am bursting at the seams with spite.
A:
Sa’iyda: First of all, you should be able to make your wedding playlist as gay as you want, but I digress. This is something that has definitely been on my mind as someone who is planning a wedding and also VERY concerned about an amazing playlist. Here’s a few songs I love that range from very stealth to more overt (it’s your wedding damnit, you deserve all the queer songs!)
I’ll Call You Mine – girl in red
Closer – Tegan and Sara
I F*cking Love You – Zolita
Suckerpunch – Fletcher
Pynk – Janelle Monae
Silk Chiffon – MUNA
Honey – Kehlani
My Girl – Joy Oladokun
Valerie Anne: HELLO I agree that you should make your wedding a pride parade if you want to HOWEVER I also know sometimes it’s easier to just do what your mom wants and also I love a musical challenge SO here are some ideas I have.
One idea is just to play songs by queer artists that aren’t necessarily explicitly gendered, like Tegan and Sara, Jannelle Monáe, Fletcher, Hayley Kiyoko, etc. But MY favorite way to sneaky stealth queerness into playlists is covers; when a woman covers a male-originated song and doesn’t change the pronouns is the sneakiest, but it’s also fun when a queer woman takes a female-fronted song but changes the original pronouns to gay it up. Either way, people will be like “oh cool cover” not “hey a gay song” more often than not. But YOU’LL know.
Here are some of my fave queered covers:
Drops of Jupiter by Jess Moskaluke
Take Me to Church by MILCK
Crimson and Clover by Joan Jett & the Blackhearts
There She Goes by Sixpence None the Richer
Ain’t No Sunshine by Anomie Belle
What Makes You Beautiful by Cimorelli
Can’t Feel My Face by Kina Grannis
Hey There Delilah by Jasmine Thompson
putting a spin on creep by Egg
Riptide by Haley Klinkhammer
Rude by Madilyn Bailey (this one is probably not wedding-appropriate/too on the nose, but it’s a good listen)
I Wanna Dance with Somebody by Fay Wolf ((This one might be pushing it re: “stealth” because she actively changes it to “with a man…or woman” – Glee version is also an option for just woman, but I know Glee is polarizing)
Sex and Candy by Jade the Moon
For funsies:
Scotty Doesn’t Know by Maddie Ross (This one is Not Family Friendly but it was on my Songs of Sappho playlist I was scanning for these recs and I had to share it because it’s hilarious.)
I could go on but I’ll stop now. By the time this advice column goes up I’ll probably have made a playlist of songs like this. So thank you for this question!
Now I know these can’t ALL go onto your wedding playlist (unless you want a lot of slow dances…) but hopefully there’s at least one you like, and some of them could be bumped up with a DJ’s help. Maybe it will inspire you to find gay covers of your (or your mom’s) favorite songs!
Q12:
I came across Jay Wiseman’s writing on the risks of erotic choking yesterday, and have been thinking about it a lot – I didn’t know that there is no ‘safe’ way to choke, and it’s changed how I think about sex.
I would love to read some kind of AS deep-dive into choking: like, is it as risky as Jay Wiseman makes it out to be? What alternatives are there to it? I just wanna read things that are written by fellow dykes and that are sex-positive and kink-positive while also being risk-aware, ya know??!!
A:
Ro: Choking is hot, and being into giving or receiving (safe, consensual) choking is a beautiful, fun expression of sexuality! AND, yes, choking and other breath play-related activities are extremely dangerous. To my knowledge, Autostraddle hasn’t published a choking guide, and in my opinion, I don’t think it would be responsible to do so. There’s only so much you can learn about choking via a text-based medium, which is why I always recommend that folks who want to explore choking take an in-person workshop with a reputable kink educator who can demonstrate proper technique and clearly communicate the risks. That said, I do think it would be fun to publish a first-person narrative about a kink experience involving choking!
A great alternative to choking is placing your hand on a partner’s chest with your fingers against their collar bone (or asking your partner to do that to you). It doesn’t obstruct the airway, and if the person doing the choking happens to slip, it reduces the likelihood that they’ll slam into their partner’s neck. It might not look exactly like choking, but sometimes the threat of potential choking is enough of a turn-on for everyone involved.
If you want to check out some fun kinky writing, I highly recommend “Accept Transformation, Part 1” and “Accept Transformation, Part 2”, a long-form fictional tale from our S L I C K series. I don’t think there’s choking in it, but there’s some great power play and BDSM! I also love this personal essay about needle play.
Q13:
Is it okay to ask for reassurance from someone you’re casually dating? The person I’ve been seeing casually and banging for the past three months says nice things about me when we are having sex, but she has never said anything like “you’re beautiful” or “you’re so hot” or anything like that. I find it really reassuring to know what someone else likes about me, but I wonder if that is needy and inappropriate to ask; can you ask someone to tell you what they like about you? She is a bit guarded and not a super effusive person, and I can tell she is into me by her behaviors; however, sometimes it would be nice to hear exactly what attracts her to me, or to hear her explicitly tell me she likes me, not just that she wants to fuck me…is that reasonable? Or just anxious attachment?
A:
Darcy: It is super ok to ask for reassurance from someone you’re casually dating! I’d choose a time when you and your partner are already talking intimately, and say something like this: “hey I know it’s not super your thing, but I’m wondering how you’d feel about maybe talking about your attraction to me out loud sometimes? It feels really good to me when I hear hot, affirming stuff about myself.” You could definitely build this into a larger conversation about the ways you affirm and support one another — even in a casual relationship, having my sexiness affirmed is something that I really love and value, and talking about the ways that you can each do that for each other can, I think, be hot and empowering!
I’m not going to jump into my feelings about the queer community’s adoption of attachment style theory today (it was created in reference to children, and, I think, its use outside of early childhood development is limited), but quickly, I do just want to affirm that it is ok to tell the people in our lives what our needs are, and give them the chance to meet them — even in a casual relationship. Even in a situationship, for that matter! It’s always ok to have emotional needs. It’s possible that a certain person will not be able to (or not want to) meet a specific need; when that happens, you then have that information and can decide how to proceed. But simply expressing our needs is not “insecure.” It’s human, and it’s ok to do!
Q14:
For the engaged and married people and anyone else who’s chosen a relationship to stick with for life – how and when did you decide to commit? I’m also interested in how people made this decision in relationships that have now ended! And also in the consequences of not making this decision over time – has anyone been in a long relationship that wasn’t necessarily supposed to be 4 lyf? Is it good? Bad?
Many thanks, a commitmentphobe
A:
Heather: The story of how I decided to commit my life to my wife is really a hundred stories. Like The Lord of The Rings, really. It seems like one big, long legend about a hobbit saving the world, but really it’s a whole bunch of shorter little tales about a hobbit making hundreds of decisions that led him to the tip of Mordor. The Frodo who threw that Ring into the flames isn’t the same Frodo who set off on the journey from The Shire. The me who married my wife isn’t the same me who went on a first date with her. So, for me, personally, I decided to commit dozens of times, over and over, when it felt right to make each new commitment. I wanted to go on a date with her, and then I wanted to be exclusive with her, and then I wanted to move in with her, etc.
Each new step of a relationship, you learn new things about yourself and about your partner, right? And if what you learn and experience makes you want to learn and experience more, you take another step, and then you learn more, and make another decision about whether to keep going, or pause, or turn back, or move on without them. In the beginning, it’s all about chemistry and connection and fun fun fun — and then you build on top of that with each new step, and start asking bigger, tougher, more long range questions about partnership and core values and lifelong dreams and sickness and health and aging and all that. I didn’t even want to get married when I went on my first date with my wife, and ten years later, the day we decided we did want to get married, it was the easiest and most natural “yes, of course!” in my entire life, because I couldn’t imagine my world without her, because my world was a part of our world, because we’d grown something real and strong and resilient and powerful and nurturing and it had become the best and most important thing in my life.
I think a lot of times when people ask how you “know” you want to spend your life with someone, they’re asking “How did you know you’d chosen a person and gotten to a place where your relationship would for sure last forever?” But there’s no real way to know that! Even if you hit all the major checkboxes for a healthy, happy relationship, you’re still at the mercy of the outside world and everything it throws at you, you still have to just hope the person you love keeps working as hard as you do on the relationship, and you also just need some real damn luck. I don’t think you can ever “know” something’s “meant to be.” I think you can just know if you want to take the next step — and then go from there.
All that being said, I also think it’s absolutely fine to be in a long term relationship with no plans for forever, as long as you and your partner are on the same page about it.
Q15:
Hello, I’m in need of some deeply practical breakup advice. I know when you break up with someone, it’s considerate to give them clear reasons for the breakup. This breakup is an LTR (6 years) that’s ending not because of one big reason, but because of like 20 small-to-medium reasons that have accumulated over time, in spite of all our efforts to fix them. The breakup won’t be a surprise, but it will be unwelcome.
I care for this person and want to be considerate. It feels like my breakup discussion options are either:
a) give a vague explanation like “my feelings have changed for lots of reasons” (unclear! confusing!)
b) give them the full long list of all the reasons (hurtful! overkill!)
or c) pick one or two reasons and promote them to Top Reason for Breaking Up for the purposes of the breakup talk (dishonest!).
Any thoughts on which tack to take? I feel like the answer must be option D, but I don’t know what that option is.
A:
Ro: Figuring out how to kindly break up with a long-term partner is so hard! In this case, I think it’s okay to start with something simple and somewhat vague like, “I’m not happy in this relationship anymore. I’ve been thinking about this a lot, and I need to end this relationship.” Your partner will definitely have questions (“What’s wrong?” “Why aren’t you happy?” “Is it [X thing]?”). Answering those questions will give you an opportunity to share some of the reasons from your list — but you definitely don’t need to share every item on that list, and you certainly don’t need to share it all at the top of the conversation (you’re right — that’s overkill and would probably really hurt to receive). The most important part of a break up conversation is clarity, so making a declarative statement right away (“I’m not happy,” “We need to break up”) is essential so that there are no misunderstandings. Sometimes the person getting dumped will try to argue for the relationship (“I’ll change!” “That only happened one time!”), but it’s harder to argue with someone who has made a clear decision — and a break up only requires a decision from one person in order to happen.
Break-ups are hard on everyone involved, so make sure you have a plan to take care of yourself afterwards. It sounds like you’re committed to doing this is a kind and clear way, and I wish you the best of luck!
Darcy: As always, Ro’s advice is stellar! I want to emphasize that while “it’s not you, it’s me” is a cliche, I do think that it’s important to focus on yourself when providing reasons for a breakup. “This is no longer the right situation for me” is always going to be a kinder option than “you are not the right person.”
Many years ago, I was on the receiving end of a break-up where my partner kept answering my questions with ways that I didn’t measure up to what they wanted, and that made a hard time even harder; additionally, while the statements felt true to them, they were not inherent flaws in my character. They were simply ways that my partner and I were mismatched. Presenting them as a me-problem did some damage I had to work through later. Since this is A+, I can give you an example! For instance, my partner had a lot of ambition, and commercial success was very important to them. When we were breaking up, they complained that I lacked that type of ambition. Not craving financial success is not an inherent flaw of mine, and so a kinder and more accurate way to say that would have been to note that we just didn’t share some of the values that were most important in my ex’s life.
All of that to say: while break-ups are never easy, I do think that being kind, clear, and succinctly focused on the ways you or your needs have changed will give you your Option D and the right way forward! Sending you care in this transitional time!
Q16:
I recently had sex for the first time (later in life) and after I was feeling a bit irritated down there. I went to the gynecologist and it turns out I developed bacterial vaginosis(BV). When I got home what started out as a google search about it was turned into a minor lit review.
Apparently, BV is more common in women who have sex with women (WSW) and there is an urge from some researchers to consider BV an STI. Here is a really good Editorial Commentary that goes into some background and why BV in WSW should be examined more seriously (https://academic.oup.com/cid/article/60/7/1054/361017)
Besides seeing the signs for bacterial vaginosis at my annual gynecologist appointment, I knew nothing about it more than dont do weird shit to mess up the pH of your vagina.
I would love if you guys could maybe write an article about it, or get a specialist to talk about it some more.
A:
Vanessa: Hello, I totally relate because I too get BV (and yeast infections, often at the same time, blahhhhhh) quite frequently. In fact, I see a vulvar specialist about it. So while I do not have a desire to write a personal article about it outside of our A+ space, I may try to talk to a specialist about it in the future. For now though, here’s what I can share.
First of all, I’m SO SORRY you’re dealing with this. It sounds like it’s not chronic for you, which I am thrilled about, but for those readers who do experience chronic BV, I see you and I stand in solidarity with you!
I personally am not super interested in categorizing BV as an STI because I rarely get BV from sex. It seems to come, like you mentioned, from slight shifts in the pH of my vagina, which occasionally are from sex but more usually are like “I went to the gym and kept my spandex on for 1 hour and 4 minutes instead of exactly 1 hour” or “I don’t know, I had a cold and then I sneezed and suddenly my vagina felt weird.” It’s very frustrating, and while I can kind of reverse engineer how I may have gotten it once it happens, I can hardly ever 100% stave it off. I do find that some things work better than others (for me) when managing it, so I will share some of that here.
I take a regular vaginal probiotic orally (so it’s a probiotic explicitly formulated for vaginal health, but you take it by mouth) and I pee after having sex or masturbating every single time. I try not to wear tight pants, I wear cotton undies, and I never stay in wet yoga pants or swimsuits longer than necessary. Boric acid suppositories (so boric acid pills you put directly into your vagina) work really well sometimes, but sometimes they irritate me, so YMMV. Honestly, the only thing that really consistently cures my BV is Metrogel (which is a gel formula of Metronidazole, an antibiotic that pretty reliably gives me a yeast infection so then I have to cure that, too — fun!) My vulvar doctor has told me that many people with vaginas do not respond to that medicine, so I’m actually quite lucky that it works on me.
One interesting thing about BV is that if you’re not experiencing symptoms, it kind of… doesn’t matter. This is obviously complicated when you sleep with someone because you could pass BV on to them and they could experience symptoms, but for some people, having a pH that is slightly off kilter produces zero symptoms, and for other people, having a pH that is slightly off kilter makes them want to rip their vagina out of their body. It’s so specific and individualized! I think that’s part of what makes it hard to write about.
All of which is to say, if any other commenters have experience with BV or hot tips about how to avoid it, please share in the comments — we all need all the help we can get!
