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Welcome to the 55th edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from A+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box! Here, we answer your questions in a space just for A+ members, safe from the general public. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Here, the Autostraddle team’s doling out advice on everything from sex and relationships, to friend and family dynamics, career questions, style, and more! We’re doing this column TWICE a month, now.

Every SECOND A+ Advice box of the month is themed! THIS month’s theme is IMPOSTER SYNDROME, SELF-DOUBT AND SELF-SABOTAGE (Yes, all 3), in honor of Autostraddle’s 13th birthday month! What do you need help with when it comes to not holding yourself back? Do you need help knowing whether or not you might be self-sabotaging? Do you need validation about a specific situation where you suspect you may be dealing with some imposter syndrome? Where are you your own worst enemy, and how can we help? Get your questions in by Monday March 7th! Answers will publish on March 18th! The general Into the A+ Advice Box, like this one, where we take questions on practically any topic, publishes on the first Friday of each month, and you can send questions on any topic, at any time.

So, now that you know to send us your questions on all things your IMPOSTER SYNDROME, SELF-DOUBT AND SELF-SABOTAGE by Monday, let’s dig in!!

 Q1:

Hey autostraddle-
I introduced two close friends from (very) different parts of my life recently and now they’re dating. And I’m honestly really struggling with it. These friends live in a different city from me, and I introduced them on a whim during a rare trip to that city for work. I know this is my own issue to get over, and I don’t have any power in the situation to change anything, but I thought I’d share.

A:

Vanessa: Ah, I’m sorry you’re struggling with this! It is so frustrating to have Feelings about things in life that we may or may not want to have feelings about, especially when it comes to friends and romance and the ways these subjects sometimes intersect. You didn’t specify an exact question, so forgive me if I’m overstepping or approaching this from the wrong angle, but it seems to me that perhaps the query is, what do I do with these feelings? And I think you’re already exactly on track with Step 1 which is: feel them! Convenient or not, our feelings exist, and trying to ignore them or stuff them down and hope they go away rarely has the desired effect. So yes, this is your own issue to get over, and also, you don’t have to rush yourself getting over it. You are struggling with this reality. That’s okay. If you want to go a little further with a Step 2, if I were in your situation I might challenge myself to sit with these feelings and interrogate them a bit further. Why am I struggling with this? Do I feel left out? Do I feel like it’s unfair that two people I love get to see each other frequently? Am I jealous that they are forming a bond without me? Am I simply lonely? Etc. It’s not that figuring out the root of your feelings will make them magically resolve, but it might give you more information about any further steps you wish to take. Which leads me to Step 3: Keep tending your separate friendships with these pals, and if you’re up for it, eventually approach a connection with them as a couple, too. Whatever the root cause for your internal struggle, it’s probable that you want to maintain friendships with these two close friends. Don’t lie to yourself or to them and don’t rush it, but when you’re ready, I think it might help the vibes overall to make it a point to connect with each of them individually and shore up your already close connections. Once you’re feeling slightly less taken aback and/or bummed about their new connection, you can forge ahead making a new friendship connection that also includes their new dynamic, as well as your personal connections with each. The point is, you’re exactly right — you can’t control this, and you can’t change the situation. They might break up soon or they might stay together for years and years. The important thing is to take care of yourself and honor your own feelings, and then figure out how you can continue to care for your friendships, too. Good luck!

Q2:

I’m looking for queer/trans-friendly/non-cisheteronormative educational resources for education around puberty and sex-ed for my daughter and to pass on for a couple of her friends. Autistic/ADHD-friendly would be a huge plus too. I have the book Sex Is A Funny Word, which is pretty great. Two of the girls in question are cis and I’d love for them to get info that will help them understand their cycles but without the “your female body is so mysteeeeeeeeeeeeeerious” and “isn’t it great to learn about all this fertility stuff that your body is _for_” that I understand is in Cycle Savvy (I haven’t read that book, just going on reviews).

I saw your period-tracker-app article but it looks like it’s from 2014?

Thank you, it is so great to know I have a place to ask for help with stuff like this!

A:

Ro: Scarleteen is home to a TON of trans-affirming, inclusive articles about sex, puberty and menstruation, and they also offers articles about dating and communication for young people with autism and ADHD. Scarleteen’s founder also published a comic book called Wait, What?: A Comic Book Guide to Relationships, Bodies and Growing Up, which covers puberty, anatomy, sexuality, gender identity, gender roles/stereotypes, consent, dating and more.

Q3:

Can you share tips and advice on how to make an extremely private, secret Instagram account that you only use to find out about events or follow orgs, artists, etc you support? I’ve never used Instagram before but I keep thinking it would be a way that I can find out about events in my area that I may not otherwise know about, and I’ve seen some businesses only have an Instagram presence/no website, so it would help me be able to access their services too.

I tried making an Instagram acct once (to watch an Autostraddle live event) and while I enjoyed the event, Instagram was immediately like “Here are people you might know!!! Do you want to connect???” and even suggested to one of my relatives on Insta that they might know me and did they want to connect with me (even tho I tried to keep all my account info super anonymized.) Anyways, I deleted the account after the AS event was over, but would love to know if anyone has had success with making a more secure private account. Your insights are appreciated!

A:

Ro: Instagram makes it SO HARD to have a private account, but if you follow these steps, you can be pretty incognito:

Go to your profile. Then go to Settings > Privacy and select “private account.” This means that the only people who can follow you and see your posts and stories are the people who approve. However, if you like a public post, your username will be visible and clickable (but strangers will only be able to see your username, your profile photo if you have one, the number of people you’re following and the number of followers you have — they will not be able to see your actual posts). If you want to make sure that your account won’t be easily identified by people you know, don’t use a profile photo and make sure your username doesn’t contain any identifying information.

Since you saw the “Here are people you may know” thing before, that probably means that your phone number or social media accounts were connected to your Instagram account. That means that anyone in your phone contacts or any of your social media contacts can find your account. To disconnect your phone number from your account, go to Settings > Account > Contact Syncing and toggle off “connect contacts.” To unlink your Instagram from other social media accounts on Twitter or Facebook, go to Settings > Account > Sharing to other apps and make sure that sharing has been turned off.

I think I’ve covered all of the bases here, but I’m not an expert about this sort of thing, so hope other Autostraddle writers and readers will chime in with any info I may have missed!

Himani: Ro has covered the most important info. A couple of other things I’ll add. This one is obvious but make your username something completely unrelated to anything anyone could possibly connect you with, including fake usernames you’ve used on forums or for your email address. Instragram also forces you to put in “name” on your profile but fortunately it can be as short as a single letter! So put as little there as you can. Also, this one is probably unnecessary but can still be useful, you can limit who can tag you in posts by going to Settings > Privacy > @mentions (change it to “allow mentions from no one). Also under privacy go to “posts” and then in the section “Allow tags from” change it to “no one” and in the tagged posts section click on “manually approve tags” and make sure the slider is blue. This will prevent anyone who may have already stumbled on your account from linking you in their own content, which could potentially allow more people to find your account. Also, under privacy go to “messages” and you can choose to turn off message requests (so that people can’t DM you) and also under group chats you can restrict being added to groups. This one isn’t so much about not having other people find your account, but another privacy setting I like to change is under “Activity Status” and turn off “show activity status” so that people who you follow don’t know when you’re active on the account.

Yash: Hi, social media manager here! Ro and Himani are 100% right; the order of operations I’d recommend is to create the account, immediately make it private, and then go in to the settings and make sure that connected contacts and account sharing is switched off, and that you can’t be tagged or messaged in ways you aren’t comfortable with. Those “people you may know” recommendations are also sometimes based on the content you interact with, so don’t panic if you still see folks you know in that section. If you interact with AS content, for example, and you have other queer friends who also do, they might come up as a recommendation but it doesn’t necessarily mean that the algorithm has ~made the connection~. I firmly believe that you deserve the right to browse privately in peace, and googling tips for alts and finstas might help you find additional strategies for engaging in the ways that feel right to you without connecting your activity to your identity.

Q4:

So I have some friend drama that dropped into my inbox 2 days after the themed box published. I don’t know if it was called forth from the abyss or what, but I am baffled.

Long story short, I just got invited to my ex-best friend’s elaborate weekend-long birthday party. This person, let’s call her Beth, and I were, I thought, very close about 10 years ago in college. After graduating we talked less and less, due to long distance etc. Seven years ago we took a trip together with some other mutual friends and I tried to talk to her about how I missed our closer friendship. She refused to talk about it, shit got weird, and the rest of the trip was tense. For context we were both going through traumatic life situations, so nobody was their best self. After the trip I tried to ask about what happened, again she refused to discuss it, and we pretty much stopped talking after that.

We’ve had brief conversations here and there since, and a dinner or two when she came to my city, but otherwise nothing. I was very hurt by all of this originally but had decided to accept that we are just not looking for the same type of friendship.

Now, with no explanation, she’s inviting me to her birthday, across the country, likely with all the people she prioritized over me. I definitely should not attend (for my own well-being) but like, should I say anything? Or just politely decline? Is there any situation in which I should be open to this gesture? It took me a long time to get over my hurt the first time around so I’m wary of trying again.

A:

Vanessa: I’m trying to imagine how I would respond to this if it happened to me personally and I feel like I’m of two minds — part of me would be so curious to know what the heck the deal is and would feel absolutely compelled to respond in some way just to hear what Beth’s reasoning is, and part of me would be like wow absolutely not I have worked so hard to get over you and nothing is worth crossing my own boundary to revisit any of this ever again!

I think the Me that is most looking out for herself would stick with the second action. I am open to other people disagreeing or telling me this is an olive branch of sorts that you potentially could consider, but in my mind, a birthday invite out of the blue after the deterioration of friendship that you described is not an apology. It is not taking any accountability for the pain she caused. And it’s not worth disrupting your peace by following up on it. If Beth had reached out to say sorry, to own any of her behavior, or even simply to ask how you are, I’d feel differently. But this is too little too late, and as you pointed out, probably will actively harm your well-being if you engage with it too much.

The Me that is most looking out for herself and the Me that is most looking out for you says politely decline! My favorite thing to say these days is, “I wish her healing… far away from me.” I wish that for Beth, on your behalf, and I wish you continued peace with friends who are loyal and kind 24/7, not just out of the blue years after causing you such harm.

Meg: I completely agree with Vanessa. I too would be curious but I think that for me personally, that curiosity would not outweigh everything else that isn’t being addressed. Beth isn’t offering any kind of personal connection or attempting to repair the damage that’s been done, and unless that changes, I would lose the invitation and put it out of my mind entirely.

Q5:

I know there’s no perfect answer here but… An openly queer friend and I have expressed mutual attraction toward each other and talked about trying something casual (was never clearly defined) but they’ve been inconsistent and seem a little lost on where they’re at with what they want in life in general, which includes giving me (what feels like) mixed signals, even though we’re still just friends (not sleeping together or etc). They fight hard for me staying in their life, which makes it feel harder when I do try to put distance between us (in an effort to chill out on those feelings/hopes.)

Theoretically I’d be happy staying friends and just fading out my feelings (thus lessening feelings of disappointment/self-esteem hits due to their inconsistency) but in reality, I find myself analyzing things they say or do and trying to find out what they “mean” or where I stand with them. Is this a sign to just hard stop the friendship? is there a trick to dissolving my feelings/hope for more and finding full acceptance in friend-only?

It feels wrong to be friends with someone and “waiting” for more to happen, but I can’t break this spell.

A:

Vanessa: Ugh, I’m sorry, this sounds rough! I think the quick and dirty answer is sometimes we do need to take space from people, for whatever reason, and while the person in question rarely wants that to be so, that doesn’t really change the reality. You know what you need to “break this spell” — a little bit of time and space to recalibrate your feelings toward this person. You’re not doing anything wrong by having that desire — people often want things from us that we cannot deliver on without betraying ourselves. You don’t want to ghost this person or completely severe your connections because they’re uninterested or sending mixed signals — you simply want to regain your more platonic feelings toward them and take care of your own slightly bruised ego. I would make it a point to take some space from them, and be firm in your goals and actions when they “fight hard” to keep you in their life. You’re not leaving their life — you’re prioritizing yourself and taking some space. My best friend often reminds me that when we don’t enforce a boundary, it’s not really a boundary — it’s simply a preference. Your boundary is that you need some space from this person. Figure out what that looks like and hold steady to it. Hopefully they will respect your boundaries and you can return to a friendship once you’ve had some space to come back to yourself.

Q6:

So this is my first time ever writing here! My question isn’t really that original, but I really need advice. Long story short: I am the one who initiated a big break up, which turned into sort-of-no-contact because it was what I needed at the time, but I would like to try and see whether I could rekindle a friendship with my ex, because the relationship was really important to me… but I feel paralyzed with guilt, because I know I hurt my ex terribly by leaving. Context: a year and a half ago, I broke up with my first partner. We were together for 6 years, lived together, our lives were deeply intertwined. We would marvel at tiny birds together, and there were lots and lots of cuddles, and cooking together, and keeping a cozy home. Yet, every six months or so, I would find myself wanting out. Feeling not quite myself, slowly becoming a person who was almost me, and who I sort of wanted to be, but who wasn’t me. When Covid hit and I hunkered down with my ex, it was ok. I felt warm, secure, but also exhausted. When I was finally able to see my friends and take up my (all-consuming) hobby again, I realized I wanted to be that version of me – all the time. Instead of deciding to try and share my truest self with my ex, I made the decision to leave.

Even though I know I probably made the right decision, sometimes I think about how weird it is that I completely cut them out of my life even though the break-up was just because I found myself needing something else. Breaking-up with someone I loved deeply but who wasn’t right was really hard on me, and I haven’t been able to come to terms with that. How do I even do that?

A:

Vanessa: I’m proud of you for making a change when you realized it needed to happen. My advice is going to sound a little bit harsh, but I want you to know I’m approaching it from the place of being the person who almost always does the breaking up, as you did, so I am not trying to be dismissive of how hard this can be for you — I am just going to be honest.

I’m really curious what you’re hoping to achieve by “rekindling a friendship” with your ex. I don’t think you need to be paralyzed with guilt — it feels terrible to hurt another person, especially a person we care deeply for, yes, but you’re also allowed to follow your wants and hopes and dreams and it is much kinder to leave someone than to stay when you no longer want to be there. That said, it seems to me kind of a selfish choice to consider attempting a friendship now, when you acknowledge that your ex was hurt deeply by your (reasonable, justified) actions and when you say that the breakup has been really hard on you. Again, what are you hoping to achieve from attempting a friendship? What would a friendship look like? Why would that make sense for either of you at this juncture?

It’s not that I don’t believe exes can be friends, but I do think queer people especially jump really quickly to the idea that friendship is the right move with an ex, and the sad truth is it’s often not. Yes, sometimes our exes turn into our best friends; sometimes our exes remain our family. But often when we have been with someone in a romantic relationship for many years and then there is a rupture that leads to the relationship concluding, it doesn’t really make sense to attempt a friendship, at least not for a long time. If your ex is not yet over you, I think it will be confusing to hear from you and may give her false hope. If you’re not over your ex, you may be tempted to slip back into some familiar aspects of your life together, which isn’t fair to you and really isn’t fair to her. And if there were bigger issues that contributed to the breakup, it’s unlikely that either of you will have solved them in the short time you’ve been apart, so now you’ll be managing that in the form of a friendship.

I’m (per usual) open to commenters or other AS team members telling me I’m wrong. I do understand the idea that it’s very sad to be close to someone for years and years and then simply remove them from your life when you break up. I can see how that would seem cruel, callous, awful. But I always want to understand what each person gains from attempting a friendship when it often seems like one or both people are not ready. In a lot of ways, to me, it seems like a kindness to hold a firm boundary.

As for how to come to terms with a breakup, my advice is the same as ever: time, space, journaling, dating, sex (if you want it), cultivating hobbies, taking care of yourself, building a life you want to inhabit with or without another human. There’s no shortcut, and the key is definitely not reaching out to your ex. I wish you luck getting to the other side; you will.

Kayla: I’m with Vanessa here! I do think it’s possible for exes to be friends, but I also think that in order for it to be healthy and fulfilling and forward-moving there needs to be a conscious effort to build something new. A relationship with your ex is not going to look and feel familiar, and it shouldn’t! It’s a new thing entirely. But I share Vanessa’s hesitations about you reaching out to your ex given the context of the breakup.

Himani: I’m also here to agree with Vanessa and Kayla. I want to offer the perspective of the person who was broken up with in a way that felt incredibly devastating, though I understood why. I’ll be quite blunt and say, you’ve already broken this person’s heart once. Please leave them be to pick up the pieces by themselves and with their own communities. As Vanessa said, it is pretty selfish to want to reconnect because you miss the friendship and the connection. I think one thing that can be really hard to live with is the fact that sometimes we can’t be in the lives of the people we love, whether for our own sake or theirs or both. That is, unfortunately, one of the many sadnesses we just have to hold in our day to day. But again, as Vanessa said, with time and space the feelings will be less intense and present. Will there be a sense of longing or nostalgia or loss that you always hold somewhere? Probably. I certainly have these types of former relationships, friendships, etc. in my life. But these exist alongside a set of really meaningful and robust connections in my current life as well.

Q7:

My gf and I talked to a mutual friend about opening up our relationship to include her (in some capacity) a few months ago; after some mutually bad communication, nothing really ended up happening, but she reached back out and asked to be friends. Since then, she’s put really solid effort into making plans, suggesting activities, chatting with us both more personally, etc. But she’s also she’s trying to have a “reckless” period where she hooks up with cis guys and pursues casual sex in that way. This is all valid and fair for her to want to do/do, but my gf and I have recently realized the situation still brings up feelings of inadequacy, longing, and mistrust on our end, even though logically we know it’s more than fair for her to behave this way as a friendship. We find ourselves wondering if she’s flirting with us or reading into things, but from what she’s said, it’s just a friendship now. Again, valid. But with our feelings, we’re heavily considering just telling her it’s too painful (even though that’s not her intent) and ended the friendship.

Silly? Reasonable? Objectively I’m totally happy being platonic and respect her choices to do whatever she wants, but I have to be honest that I find myself hoping she’ll express interest in us again or “come around” in some way, and I know that’s not fair to put on her, so my gut is ending it is fair for both of us. Thoughts??

A:

Abeni: You’re considering ending a friendship because you have feelings about how your new friend lives her life – that her lifestyle is causing you pain and harming your relationship. Your feelings are valid! And much like a romantic partnership, you don’t actually need a reason to end a friendship other than that you want to. That being said, ending the friendship for these reasons – if the friendship is fun and brings joy into your life otherwise, which is what it sounds like – in my opinion is silly and unreasonable.

I think your task is to figure out where y’all’s feelings are coming from. They seem immature and judgmental. Why would her sex life cause you pain? Make you feel inadequate and mistrustful? All signs seem to point to jealousy, which would be a problem even if y’all were doing some kind of non-monogamous thing. It seems lucky that y’all didn’t get together – if you’re feeling jealousy and longing about someone you’re not even dating, imagine how you’d feel if you were dating her and somehow were made aware that she was sleeping with other people!

That’s the final piece of the puzzle, for me – why do you know so much about your friend’s sex life? Does she tell you about her hookups even though it makes you uncomfortable? I would wager that you thought you’d be cool with it, and opened the door for this kind of communication. It’s never too late to re-set a boundary, though. An easier solution might be to let her know that you don’t want to know about her sex life anymore. If she brags about it on social media, you can block or mute her.

Again, all of this being said, if you want to end the friendship, you don’t need a good reason. But I think you’re better served – you and your partner – by digging into the root of these feelings, because they don’t seem particularly healthy especially for a couple that wants to practice non-monogamy.

Q8:

I’m in a classic queer conundrum wherein one develops major feelings for a friend. We met about a year ago and have spent a good amount of time together since then, and they’re one of those rare people where I felt super comfortable with them almost right away. Said friend isn’t interested in any sort of romantic relationship, not just with me but with anyone, and has said so directly. I completely respect this, they’re an adult who knows what they’re interested in and what they need or don’t need, but I’m not gonna lie… it’s been a bit rough emotionally in these parts lately. I haven’t told them how I feel but I do suspect they have an inkling at this point, and they haven’t brought it up either. The absolute last thing I want is to lose them as a friend, I enjoy their company immensely and we’re very compatible in a lot of ways (hence the feels). At the same time, I’m trying not to dwell on things, or feel overly disappointed or sad when they don’t (or can’t) return these feelings the way I wish they would. Part of me really wants to talk with them directly about how I feel to clear the air, and another part of me thinks this is a terrible idea… we have a good friendship going, so why throw that wrench into things? Any advice on what to do? Or how to keep myself from dwelling on how much I like them? I do feel like I have a fulfilling life overall, with a lot of hobbies and great friends, but this whole situation is putting me through the emotional wringer so to speak. If they were open to dating I would be thrilled, but I just don’t see that happening anytime soon if at all. Thanks in advance! —Unrequited

A:

Valerie Anne: I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but I think you have your answer. If they’ve explicitly stated they’re not interested in romantic relationships, that’s the only truth, until they say otherwise. And I know it’s tempting to hope you’ll be the exception, I’ve been there in similar ways, but the truth is, that’s on them to clarify if it’s true at this point. I think if you do end up having the uncontrollable urge to tell them, it has to be that: telling. Not asking. It has to be “I know you said you’re not into romantic relationships but I just wanted to tell you that I do have romantic feelings for you just because it felt like I was keeping it from you and in the spirit of honesty, I don’t expect things to change just wanted you to know, anyway did you see last week’s episode of Euphoria?” You know what I mean? And then do your best to move on. Focus on your friends and your hobbies, maybe try talking to people on dating apps or social media apps, find a celebrity crush to start redirecting some of that energy so you’re not pouring all into this situation. Remind yourself that friendship love can feel like romantic love sometimes but that just because there’s not romantic love doesn’t mean it’s not valuable love. You can mourn the relationship you wanted, but try to appreciate the love and relationship you do have instead.

Heather: I just want to co-sign Valerie Anne here. I have lost friends I actually cared very deeply about when they crossed the boundary of telling me they had feelings for me, when it was very clear that those feelings weren’t reciprocated (for me because I am married and was with my wife for years before that). I think, in these instances, it’s really important to ask yourself: Why — really! why! — do you want to tell the person you have feelings for them, when they’ve said they aren’t interested in a relationship? In an ideal scenario, what would happen when you told them that? Is there ANY chance your ideal scenario will come to pass? And if it doesn’t come to pass — and likely it won’t — where would you like your friendship to go from there? Probably the answer is you don’t want anything to change, right? Or, after you tell them, you’d want things to go “back to normal”? The very hard truth is that they probably won’t go back to normal. With a whole lot of effort on both your parts, you might get back to something that resembles what you have right now, but your confession of feelings will always be a Thing between the two of you. Or! You could make SURE that things stay the same as they are right now by not introducing this into your friendship and finding ways you can work toward moving past your feelings! Like with your hobbies, which sound amazing. And hanging out with other people in your world. And, if you’re doing anything to make this crush worse on yourself, friend! Stop that! Don’t do some social media stalking, or do things together you know are going to make your feelings less manageable (you know, like, if you’re cuddling while watching Derry Girls or something), or let your mind frolic in the rabbit hole of what it would be like if you were together. My therapist always says: Urges don’t require action! And I think that’s a great thing to remember in this case. You sound amazing. Don’t cheat yourself. Look for a relationship with someone who wants to be with you the way you want to be with them!

Himani: There’s one thing I just want to add to the very sage advice that Valerie Anne and Heather have given (which I completely co-sign). You say, “I’m trying not to dwell on things, or feel overly disappointed or sad when they don’t (or can’t) return these feelings the way I wish they would.” Personally, I think this is partially what is making these feelings even more intense for you because you’re trying to suppress them. Allow yourself to feel your sadness because it is really hard to know that you love someone in a way that they’ll never reciprocate. I honestly can’t tell you how many times I’ve, essentially, been in this situation (also something I’ve written about, in case you’re curious and just to really emphasize the point that you’re really not alone in feeling this way).

But I also want to be super clear: allowing yourself to feel your grief and sadness and disappointment is NOT THE SAME as telling them how you feel. For all the reasons that Heather and Valerie Anne already discussed, I don’t think that telling the person you have these feelings for will serve you in any kind of helpful or constructive way. Instead, journal about your feelings before or after you hang out or chat with this friend, or talk to other close friends or a therapist about your feelings.

Ultimately, I think it’s really important to process our feelings and not suppress them in order to actually move through them and open ourselves up for more experiences and joy in our lives. But I also think it’s important to make sure we process our feelings responsibly, which means working through them in a way that is respectful of other people’s boundaries and in a variety of different relationships and ways.

Q9:

I think I’m too late for the friendship advice box, but I’d be curious to hear what distinguishes close friendships from romantic relationships for folks? I’m ace, poly, and not looking to couple my life to anyone else’s, and I sometimes find that the only things that really differentiate my close friends and my dates are the words we use to describe the relationship.

A:

Himani: Oh friend, can I relate to you. I am not ace or poly, but I do often wonder what it is that differentiates friendship and romantic relationships for people. I think, like you, it often has felt like a linguistic distinction. But, as I’ve gotten older and a little more cynical, I guess one thing I’ve noticed is the degree of investment people put into different types of relationships. I have very deep, connected relationships with friends that have sustained years. At the same time, I think we’re often in the situation of scrambling to find space for each other in our lives just because there is always so much going on.

This difference has only increased as I’ve grown older. When I was in my mid-twenties, I had friends at work who I saw or spoke with every single day, who I would casually meet for lunch or dinner or coffee or drinks on a regular basis. But as we’ve all moved forward in different parts of our lives, those connections have become fewer and fewer for me. In contrast, many of my partnered friends in romantic relationships have continued to have a level of day-to-day intimacy built into their lives in a way that I don’t because I am and have been single for so long.

Of course, that’s not universally true for everyone who is in a relationship or everyone who is single. Some people are able to recreate those types of close connections with other communities, like social, religious or volunteer organizations they participate in regularly. Personally, I have struggled with this as I’ve gotten older because (as has been discussed oh so many times) it is just so hard to make friends as an adult and continue to be so close to them.

That said, I will also note that I do think that close friendships can have a level of long-term commitment that partnered relationships don’t always have, at least in my experience. As I noted, many of my close friendships have lasted years or even over a decade in some cases and have withstood cross-country moves and major life changes (like starting a family or moving into a more intense career) in a way that my one sole romantic relationship didn’t and couldn’t. Again, that’s not necessarily universally true for everyone, but it is something that I’ve observed in my own life.

This is just my personal take on your question, and I just want to emphasize the point that I think the answer to your question will be different depending on who you talk to. I look forward to reading about other folks’ experience with this in the comments, as well!

Riese: Sometimes, not much distinguishes them! Especially when you’re younger and your career hasn’t taken over your life yet and you’re not making a ton of long-term life plans and also have lots of friends your age who aren’t already married/family-ed.

I think ultimately it’s two things. The first is that a romantic partner tends to be your “go-to person.” A friend can fill this role also of course — like in my early/mid 20s, a lot of what I’m about to describe as being the role of a romantic partner as go-to person was just as often filled by one of my three very super close best friends, and vice versa. You say good mornings and good nights to each other, walk each other through life’s slings and arrows, have dinner with each other’s parents when they’re in town, drive each other to the hospital or the car dealership, keep abreast of all each other’s life’s happenings for easy understanding and commentary on every new life happening, are there when the other is sick or depressed or had a bad day, do extreme favors, are plus ones to events, edit each other’s posts and come/go over for no reason with no planned activities. Again, a friend can do all those things — and when single, I’ve found different friends or group chats to fill those roles. And a very solid best friend or family member can be your go-to person, too! But I found as I got older and those best friends got into serious relationships, got married, started families, on top of already busy careers — everybody’s go-to focus shifted to their romantic partners. I remember a brief period of singledom that felt incredibly lonely to me because all my friends were in LTRs, and then another a few years later that was truly some of the best months in my life because all my friends had just gotten out of LTRs and wanted to hang out and do things all the time!!!!! A literal example of this would be that me and my best friend shared a bed in our apartment for about a year, but when her relationship with her boyfriend (now husband) got serious, she had to move to the back bedroom so they could have alone time, and our relationship obviously shifted at that point. Plus she often wasn’t staying at home at all, because she was with him.

I think the other big thing is how you conceive of the future. Generally if you’re over 30 and in a serious relationship, you tend to at least consider the strong possibility of your partner’s presence for any future life plans. If you get a new job in a new city, you could ask your partner to move with you – I’ve not heard of people asking their best friends to do the same. You might get pets or children or a house together. Stuff like that.

Unfortunately modern life is still very set up and catered towards the idea of partnership as the eventual default situation — especially financially. This really sucks because being on your own can be really great and also a preferred way of being for many people! I think that’s part of what it so cool about the new trend of people literally marrying their platonic friends it’s an acknowledgment that our culture is still very frustratingly geared towards the concept of everybody having their own personal free helper but that attaching those roles to a romantic relationship might not be the best way forward.

Q10:

Hello! Seeking your wise advice on casual dating. I’m a queer woman in her early 30s and I’m new to casual dating (or any kind of dating tbh). My current living situation is such that I can’t bring hookups to my place. Long story short, the people I live with are homophobic but I don’t plan on staying in this city long term and financially this arrangement is the best I could do. How and at what point do I bring this up (I’m on dating apps)? I don’t want to over-explain myself or feel ashamed, but I worry it might come across as weird when inevitably I’ll have to say sorry, we will have to go to your place for any sexy times. Thank you!

A:

Kayla: You definitely don’t have to overexplain the situation. While your living situation sucks, it’s also (unfortunately) pretty common! I definitely had a period of being on dating apps and living somewhere I couldn’t bring anyone to, and a lot of the time it wouldn’t even come up. Like I would just never invite people over, which is easy to do in a casual dating/dating app context! The few times it did come up, I kept it brief but straightforward and was like “my living situation is weird right now so I don’t have people over” and that was that.

Em: I’ve also been in this situation! Oftentimes the other person was also in this situation, but in the times they weren’t, I would simply explain myself (I live with my parents, I sleep on someone’s couch, etc.). Other people have also explained their strange living situation to me and I never thought it was weird, especially in these times! We all gotta do what we gotta do! If someone is legitimately concerned about you not being in a place to host someone then maybe they aren’t the best person to have sexy times with.

Nicole: Also here to offer some solidarity as someone who’s had homophobic roommates while casually dating. It sucks! I know this isn’t an option for everyone, and in hindsight, it led to turnover in the roommate population, but I just ignored my roommates even when they gave off vibes like they were uncomfortable with the honestly not-that-in-their-face gayness. So! I think there you have it. At least three people here were immediately like “oh I’ve been there!” so I think that most dates would probably be understanding.

Q11:

(31, bisexual woman) Dating makes me anxious. I don’t know a different way to put it, but it’s not fun. Is it fun for other people? It sounds like it’s fun for other people. I just feel stressed until I end it. Recently, I’ve been on two dates with this nice guy: we have things in common, the conversation is interesting, etc. But when I think about scheduling another date I want to cry and throw up. Why? Has anyone ever experienced this? This is the second time this has happened and I should probably just give up dating all together, right? Like clearly my body is telling me I don’t want to do this, but that’s all I’ve got to go on. Thanks for any advice.

A:

Himani: Friend, I want you to know that not everyone thinks dating is fun, as in yours truly also finds it anxiety-provoking and (honestly, at times) more like a necessary evil or chore than something that brings me endless joy. Without more information and a conversation, I can’t really unpack for you why dating is bringing up such a strong negative reaction. It may be helpful to try to unpack this in more detail with close friends or a therapist. Even journaling on your own could be helpful.

One thing you don’t say is how you felt on the first dates you went on, and you might want to explore if there was some anxiety you felt during the date itself that intensified afterwards or if you were truly enjoying the date but afterwards felt more stressed about keeping the connection. Another question that might be helpful to consider is if there are any fears you have about expectations on a third date? I know for me, sometimes dating has felt nerve wracking because it feels like there’s a universal expectation to move at a certain “pace” which makes me anxious about following up with people. One thing I’ve worked on reminding myself is that there isn’t any universal expectation. From reading a ton of advice columns (and also answering advice questions here), I’ve found that there really is so much variety in people’s quests for intimacy. I don’t know if this is at all relatable to your situation, but maybe consider if there are any external pressures you’re placing on yourself or your expectations around dating that may be leading to your anxiety about following up. And if so, one thing I’ve found helpful to help alleviate them is to communicate openly and honestly about them with the person I’m with, if it does seem like we’re starting to connect.

I also want to emphasize the advice you already gave yourself: If your body or your heart is saying “no” then please do listen to that. If dating feels nerve-wracking, anxiety producing, makes you want to vomit or anything else, then just take a break. That might be frustrating because maybe there’s another part of you that wants the long-term connection that dating can lead to? I personally struggle with this, and my best bet at handling it is to just take it day by day and week by week. If I feel like connecting with a date, then I do. If I don’t, then I don’t. I’m not always actively dating, especially because of how fraught it can be for me and how many emotions it can bring up inside myself. So I approach it when I can from a place of curiosity and kindness towards myself.

That said, I think it’s pretty unkind to ghost people, especially when you’ve met them in person. I’m not always the best about following up with people I’ve met in person, but if I’m feeling overwhelmed, I try to at least send a message saying something like, “Hey, I had a really nice time the other day, but I’m feeling a little overwhelmed with everything right now and uncertain about what I’m looking for, so I’m going to need a little space.” It’s a polite way to let the other person know that you need to step back from the connection. As I said, I’m not always the best at making sure to send that message rather than letting silence pervade after meeting in person, but at a minimum if someone I’ve met texts me a follow up, I do make sure to reply in some capacity. As much as we are struggling and hurt on our own, I think it’s also important to try to keep in perspective that everyone else in the dating game is also struggling and hurt right now. The more we can, as a community, try to be mutually kind and respectful in how we engage with each other in this really fraught tiem, the better off we all are.

Q12:

Hi! Sex question here. I have extremely sensitive nipples, which is a lot of fun during sex. But sometimes when my partner and I engage in a lot of nipple play, they end up cracked and I’m in quite a bit of pain for a day or two afterwords. Does anyone on the team have ideas for what I can do before or after this kind of play to avoid the pain that follows? Thank you!

A:

Ro: You can lube up your nipples the same way you would lube up your genitals or your butt! If there’s a lot of pinching/ pulling/ twisting happening, lotion, coconut oil or water-based lube will prevent your skin from breaking and getting irritated. And if you’re using nipple clamps, make sure the clamps have adequate padding on their pinchers — if they don’t, invest in a new set of clamps or wrap the pinches in a layer of electrical tape to prevent them from scratching your skin.

You can also ask your partner to try some less-irritating types of nipple play. Ask them to use a vibrator, ice, an e-stim toy or their tongue on your nipples. I hope that helps!

Q13:

Any tips on how to engage in fun, casual flirting without leading anyone on?

Context: I’m in a monogamous relationship that has room for enjoying flirting with other people! I really enjoy flirting, especially when the mutual *vibes* are good and fun.

Issue: I haven’t always flirted responsibly in the past. There have been multiple instances where someone interpreted my flirting as interest in dating/hooking up (and if they knew my partner, they assumed our relationship was non-monogamous). When I clarified, it was obvious that they felt led-on. I don’t want to do that to people!

I think that I got so carried away enjoying the flirtations, and maybe even wishing there could be more, that I didn’t keep the flirtations light enough? I also definitely didn’t clearly communicate up-front that it was just flirting for flirting’s sake. I do have one friendship where we’re able to talk openly about what our flirting means to us, and we’ve never had any issues, but generally I’m not flirting with people where strong communication channels are already in place.

I guess my questions are… How do you keep flirting light? How do you clearly communicate with people your intentions, when it’s just… flirting? What part of this is my responsibility vs. when I can’t control how someone interprets my actions?

A:

Kayla: I really only see this working in a situation where things are clearly defined/talked about like the situation you describe with one of your friends. I think if you’re just flirting with random people who don’t know you’re in a monogamous relationship then it’s always going to leave room for the interpretation that you’re trying to hook up with or date them.

Em: I agree with Kayla, but I also think this might be a conversation to have with your partner? I suppose this might depend on how you draw up your relationships’ definition of monogamy, but maybe it’s time to ask yourself why you enjoy flirting “heavily” outside of your relationship. When I was in a relationship, I enjoyed flirting with other people, but my (ex) partner and I agreed on the fact that it was okay and that if it ever did lead to anything, we could possibly both be open to it. When flirting with other people, I would never lead with “I’m in a monogamous relationship,” but if it felt like the flirting was going in a more intense direction, I would explain my situation and gauge if the other person would be okay with me consulting my partner first.

Q14:

So, I have a vague memory of reading something at some point about people using BDSM as a form of therapy for processing stuff. I have a sense that this might be a helpful thing for me, but I have no idea how to pursue it? For context: I have had some ongoing issues with my body for a long time (feeling a disconnect from my body, getting easily overwhelmed/overstimulated by physical intimacy in a way that feels really bad despite craving physical intimacy, etc.). For me, this didn’t start from sexual trauma or a specific traumatic incident, so it’s hard to make sense of what the problem is. I have sort of tried exploring this with my therapist, but I’m running into problems, partly because a lot of this feels really physically based—it’s more of a visceral experience and less of a thought or emotion I can challenge with other ideas. So I guess I have two questions: 1. What type of person/role/job title would I even look for to find someone to help me with this, and how would I find them? A sex therapist? Did I make up my memory of the BDSM-as-therapy thing? (I am interested in exploring BDSM in general but have no experience.) Do somatic healers ever help people deal with this kind of thing? Again, like, how do I even connect with someone to help with this? 2. Assuming I find this person, how do I build enough trust with them that I feel okay actually letting them help me? It just feels really scary and brings up a lot of shame for me. Any advice would be appreciated.

A:

Vanessa: I have a few thoughts on this. First of all, without knowing what you read about people using BDSM as therapy, I can’t tell you if I agree with it or not, but I will say that in general, in my BDSM community, the idea of using it as therapy is not super well regarded. It’s true that sometimes in a scene or with a play partner you can incidentally work through some things in a way that may feel therapeutic, but I think approaching a BDSM dynamic as a way to access “healing” doesn’t make a lot of sense. Not to be too much of a nerd, but this reminds me of when people act as though all writing is therapy – it’s true that writing can be therapeutic, but to assume that all writing will resolve trauma, be cathartic, etc is a misnomer. So in short, I guess I am pretty skeptical about approaching BDSM as a therapeutic experience, although if you are interested in exploring BDSM in general I think that’s exciting and a great idea, and if you have no experience and no community to engage with I often recommend hiring a queer sex worker who specializes in the things you’re interested in so you can pay a professional and learn that way.

Second of all, to look at your questions: Without knowing the specifics of you and your life, I think it’s possible that finding a trauma therapist who specializes in somatic practices could be a really good first step for you. This is separate from the idea of engaging with BDSM, I just know that my friends who have done somatic work specifically around trauma have had really excellent experiences. I don’t know that a sex therapist would be relevant here because it doesn’t sound like this is specifically related to sex, but more about your internal and external experience of living in your body, but if you are struggling with intimacy and sexual activity I think a sex therapist could be helpful, though again, not in a way that is related to BDSM specifically — just as an expert to work through some of your feelings with, who may be able to recommend a broader scope of therapeutic models than I know of. Finally, you ask about trust — this is sort of two fold, because I’m thinking about you trusting a partner in a BDSM dynamic and also trusting a therapist who might be able to help you work through some of your shame, etc. When it comes to BDSM or any forms of sex/power exchanges, you build trust by building trust. That sounds trite but I don’t mean to be flip — I just mean that there’s no magic way to achieve this, and a domme or a rope top (for examples) or anyone you engage with in these dynamics is not going to be able to heal your trauma for you. A BDSM dynamic is generally about a power exchange, and you have to take agency for your role in the exchange before any trust can be formed. It sounds to me like you might not be ready to do that yet (and that’s okay!)

That said, if you end up paying a sex worker you may feel a lot more comfortable trusting them, because you are hiring a professional for a service and you can trust that as a client you will be able to articulate what you’re looking for and receive it. In terms of trusting trauma therapists and somatic healers in general, that is also a trust fall — it’s a slow process and one that has to build. You don’t need to rush it and I invite you to try to let go of your shame, little by little, and let yourself experience healing if you choose to go this route. Easier said than done, for sure, but you deserve it. And doing this work might make it possible to engage in fun, hot, BDSM dynamics in the future, that may or may not lead to healing, but will definitely be a good time for everyone involved.

Meg: I won’t try to speak to the therapy aspects of your question since that’s out of my range of expertise, and because I think Vanessa offered a lot of really compassionate wisdom for you! But I can say that I personally have found BDSM dynamics to be therapeutic, since it’s forced me to be really intentional in examining when I feel empowered, if and when I’m willing to surrender power, and how those things contribute to my sexuality, identity, and general confidence. Being in a sexual relationship of any kind requires trust, consent, and open communication — and when bringing in elements of kink, it heightens the need for mutual respect and understanding, regardless of experience level. Whether you hire a professional or begin a BDSM relationship with another person, trust takes a long time to build and often can take additional time to refine, so I would encourage you to be patient with yourself if you go this route. Establishing and understanding power dynamics, learning to articulate what you want and need, and being able to sink fully into a scene takes time, practice, compassion, and security.

Rather than considering jumping into a full-fledged BDSM relationship, you may want to start by thinking about which aspects of kink appeal to you, as BDSM is a huge umbrella. Do you like the idea of submitting to another person, or are you interested in having someone submit to you? Do subspace or surrender sound healing as a concept, and why? Have you experimented with any kind of kink before, and how did it feel? What about BDSM is intriguing to you, and how do you imagine it being healing? Just answering these questions for yourself could give you plenty of topics to explore with a therapist or friend, and might help you identify what specifically you would want out of a partner if you choose to move forward.

Autostraddle has some really excellent pieces about impact play, play parties, submission and service, brats, ending a BDSM relationship, and this three-part series on sadomasochism and mental health, and I would encourage you to read and learn as much as you can about kink and BDSM. I also highly recommend checking out the full roster of pieces by Ryan and Ro.

Nicole: I also want to encourage you to check out this AS article on what somatic therapy is!

Q15:

How in the heck do you date ! I’m on bumble/tinder/hinge and have had no luck. I usually don’t get very many matches and the ones that I do get just fizzle out quickly. tiktok is a mystery to me bc that seems to be the newest dating app?! Instagram maybe ? But how ! Do you just see a person who tagged #lesbian, #queer, etc. and become their number 1 fan? Is it the same for tiktok? Any advice would be so appreciated !!

A:

Himani: Friend, I am here to commiserate. I too have been on MULTIPLE apps at this point and found it to be a total bust in exactly the ways you describe: not many matches and things fizzle quickly. I can’t speak to the social media aspect of trying to date on Instagram or Tiktok because I’m not really on social media. But if you are still on the apps, one thing I’ve found helpful is to move things forward pretty quickly off text-based communication and get on the phone or video or meet in-person (if safe). Part of my issue with conversation fizzling is definitely on my end — in a world where everything has felt so, so virtual for so long and because I live alone, I am desperately craving real-time and in-person connections. I just don’t have it in me to respond to another text conversation, especially with a stranger (but even with friends I’m having this issue). I just want to hear someone’s voice or share a meal with them or look them in the eye. It’s that simple. So when I do have the energy to try to be on the apps, I’m pretty up front (after exchanging just a few messages) about saying, “hey, I’m really terrible at keeping up with text, especially because of the pandemic. Would you be comfortable with having a phone call or video chat or even meeting in person?”

Doing that hasn’t changed the reality of not having very many matches or things fizzling out, but (at the very least) it has felt a little more satisfying and fruitful rather than the endless texting that really doesn’t go anywhere.

Kayla: Using Instagram and TikTok to date has its pros and cons! On the one hand, I think it does take away some of the pressure and stress that dating apps cultivate since you’re not on Instagram and TikTok SOLELY to find dates. But that can also make it difficult to find people who are also looking to date. I think with those non-dating app apps, it’s difficult to really seek out situations or force a connection. It has to happen more organically. The upside to this is that it sometimes can mean a deeper/more genuine connection with someone than on dating apps. For example, my current girlfriend and I basically just liked each other’s selfies for like two months before we ever even messaged each other lol. So it was slow but very organic, which had its upsides!

Nicole: Apps can also be more difficult depending on where you live (like if you live in a smaller city with fewer people for example). When safe or if you can do it virtually, I also advise broadening your social circle. Go to things where there might be more queer people. Be open to new friends and experiences, talk to cute strangers (if they’re into talking to you) and then you never know when a friend of a friend might be someone you connect with!

Q16:

I’ve been with my partner for almost 2 years and I feel like this is the typical “bed death” situation. Our sex was really good and frequent in the first year, then it just became seldom after the 1st year mark.

We moved in together a few months ago and we barely have sex. I know she wants to, but I did give her a heads up before moving in that I haven’t been feeling like having sex lately and that moving in together would not change that. She is very respectful and does not pressure me to do it.

However – here is the problem: I am still very horny. I find myself sneaking around when my partner is in the other room or in deep sleep to masturbate quickly. (Just to be clear, my partner is the one I think about when I masturbate) I feel bad about the fact that my libido has not gone down – I just don’t want to have sex with her…or anyone else. I feel like I just really know what I want and when the motion feels good that I guess I’m tired of having to communicate that with someone. For example: there are days where I want to be kissed in a certain spot and other days, I don’t. I feel lazy to have to tell someone that. My own fingers feel better because I can control it.

My guilt of sneaking around to masturbate has lead me to sometimes push myself to have sex with my partner just to have this “shared experience” and to feel less guilty for hiding it from her.

Please help. Thank you.

A:

Kayla: Sexual needs and desires change all the time, and I don’t think you have to feel guilty for the changes in your sex drive. It sounds like you are indeed only interested in masturbating and not having sex. Have you tried having that conversation with your partner? My guess is not since you said you’ve been sneaking around to do it. And my guess is that you’re worried how she might react. But I’ll also admit: I’ve been your partner in this situation before! And I think things would have been a lot easier to navigate if my ex had just talked to me instead of concealing it. I think changes to libido are super common, and masturbating is indeed different than sex. I think you should consider giving your partner the opportunity to be understanding here. And I think you have to be open to the idea that you might not be sexually compatible for each other anymore and what that means for the future of the relationship. Which is all hard and scary, I know! But these shifts in sexual desire/needs become a much bigger issue — and also touch other parts of the relationship — when they’re just sort of swept aside or ignored. Sex doesn’t exist in a vaccum within a relationship. It’s important for overall relationship health that you listen to yourself and also open up to your partner about what you’re feeling.

Yash: Seconding Kayla’s point here that this conversation relates more broadly to patterns within your relationship beyond just sex! What I don’t want is for you to be caught in a loop of concealment and guilt while your partner gets caught in an adjacent loop of confusion and distance, because those will affect other ways that you two relate to each other and show each other care. It’s okay to say that masturbation serves a different function for you than sex and that that’s more of what you’ve needed lately; that’s not an indictment of you or your partner. But opening the conversation will allow you both to discuss alternatives (are there ways she could participate without having sex with you, like dirty talk or masturbating together?) and to understand more about what you need. That communication fatigue is hard and real, but it might be worth considering further, perhaps with your partner’s input, other ways you can get her the information about what feels good to you. I just want you to have the affection and support and clarity you need, regardless of where your libido is at.

Nicole: The above is all excellent advice and I am here to also say that the next step here is clearly to bring your partner in more fully and to have a conversation where you’re really honest, AND where you’re prepared to be receptive to your partner’s feelings and honesty. I think that it’s important to realize that even if your partner hasn’t had access to your exact thoughts, that likely this concealment has already bled out into the relationship as a whole, so who knows what your partner may already be feeling or have to say! I encourage you to spend some time getting ready for whatever may come up in this conversation and also to be prepared for this to be multiple conversations if needed. Also, I think that it can’t hurt to mention Angela Chen’s book on asexuality. It may be a helpful read for you because the book offers some really helpful ways to think about how we approach sex culturally and all the pressures wrapped up our cultural expectations around sex which useful for ace and allo folks alike.

Q17:

Hi, So my question is more of… hm. Not sure. I wrote in a couple of years ago about never having had an orgasm. Since then I have discovered an interesting toy that gets me there (one of those that has suction). Still haven’t had any with someone else, but that currently isn’t my issue.
My problem is, I don’t know if I even enjoy orgasms? Like, it’s a feeling, for sure, but I don’t know that I actually enjoy that feeling?
So my questions to you experts are:
– Is it normal to feel this way when you have just started having orgasms, and it gets better after?
– Or do I just genuinely not enjoy these and that’s it for me?
Been feeling a bit sad about this honestly; like I am not normal. Any bit of insight would help. <3

A:

Himani: I am the last person to claim to be a sex or dating expert here, but I just want to respond to the last bit of your message. You are absolutely normal, and there is nothing wrong with you. You also aren’t alone. From reading this column (and others) and from talking to various friends, I can confidently say that there is a huge variety in how much people enjoy having an orgasm or actively want one as part of a sexual activity. As I said above, if your body or heart are telling you “no,” please do listen regardless of whatever society/the media/etc is telling you about what is “normal.” If this is something that you don’t enjoy, then don’t force yourself to do it. If it’s something you feel ambivalent about, it might be worth trying a few more times when you are feeling particularly turned on to see if it’s a matter of just getting used to the sensations to be able to enjoy them.

Q18:

What app/site/etc is best for lesbian couples who are interested in dating a third woman? Is it too creepy to just make a profile on a “regular” site like OKC or LEX or is there a polyam specific one that’s more appropriate? thank you for any suggestions!

A:

Kayla: I don’t think it’s creepy! Just be upfront about what you’re looking for.

Vanessa: I also don’t think it’s creepy! My girlfriend and I have talked about making a profile like this on Tinder, lol. I think, like Kayla said, you can make a profile like this on any app, just be upfront about what you’re seeking. Good luck out there!

Nicole: It’s only creepy when someone isn’t up front and/or doesn’t respect other peoples’ boundaries (such as saying “no couples” on their profile). Be up front and respectful and you should be good to go!

Q19:

I think of myself as a pretty confident person, but I struggle with wishing I heard more positive feedback about my appearance from dates/girlfriends/women in my life. I feel shallow even admitting it, but I sometimes envy people who are called “beautiful” or etc, as I wish those were things I heard more. Obviously, no one is ever obligated to say those sort of things, and I know I should focus on building up my self-esteem. But I do find myself craving that specific kind of validation from women, even though it feels embarrassing to admit.

Anyone else struggle with this? I know beauty does not equal worth by any means (and it’s all subjective, based on Eurocentric standards, etc) but I sometimes find myself fixating on thinking I’d feel better/happier/more loved/etc if a woman told me XYZ.

A:

Himani: Yeaaahhh so I have definitely struggled with a lot of different versions of this at many different points in my life. I don’t have a great “answer” for you on what to do about it, but I do absolutely want you to know that I can relate to your struggle. I think what’s really hard is that it is true we have to believe ourselves to be beautiful and to validate and have confidence in ourselves and, ultimately, to love ourselves. But I’ve also firmly believed for pretty much my entire life that it’s kind of impossible to do any of those things if you haven’t received that kind of validation.

Ideally, that need would have gotten fed in some sort of unconditional love we get during childhood but, for so many of us, that just is not the case. It certainly hasn’t been for me, and, as I’ve written about before, that really affected my ability to not only love myself but also understand myself. I don’t know if this is applicable to you, but it may be helpful to dig deeper into that to try to separate how much of your longing is about what was missing in the past versus what is missing in the present. That distinction won’t necessarily change anything, but (after years of therapy) I’ve begun to see how being able to separate out where my feelings are coming from can help lessen the intensity of some of those feelings by allowing me to direct my grief and sadness in the relevant directions.

There are two additional things I’ve tried to work on in myself. First, I have tried to encourage myself to broaden how I think about the validation I’m looking for. Maybe people don’t say the specific words “you’re beautiful” but maybe if there are times when people comment positively about your appearance or the way you’re dressing, can you try to hold onto those and remind yourself of those when you’re feeling particular longing for this kind of affirmation? Maybe this suggestion isn’t applicable but I’ve definitely found it helpful to work within myself to try to broaden my own expectations and desires which can sometimes be very narrow in a way that makes me always feel a longing for something more.

Second, I also try to affirm myself in the ways I’m looking for, for instance when I’m getting dressed. One of the things I realized is that in the pandemic, working from home and hardly ever getting dressed up for two years now, I further distanced myself from what little self-validation I may have been giving myself about my appearance prior to the pandemic. (Which honestly wasn’t much, but it was still more than what I’ve been doing the last two years.) In part because I do have to go back into the office in person more regularly now, I’ve started to wear some of my nicer clothes again or make up, which I honestly hadn’t been doing for pretty much the entirety of the pandemic. And once I started doing that, I did notice a subtle shift in how I was viewing myself. Makeup + formal wear might not be your thing, but whatever it is that makes you feel hot or sexy or beautiful or whatever it is you’re looking for, maybe try to get back into occasionally getting dressed in those ways because it might also help with how you’re feeling. At least for me, I have found this to be helpful.

Finally, I think you’re correct that beauty doesn’t equate with worth. But I do also firmly believe that we need to really love our bodies, which to me means being able to see and hold our bodies as precious and inseparable parts of who we are. Ultimately, to me, this means expanding what “beauty” means both on a personal and societal level and being able to see the beauty in everyone, but that’s a long road for all of us. That said, I do want to just say that I don’t think it’s “shallow” to want to be considered “beautiful” as long as you’re actively engaging with expanding your definition of beauty in the first place.

Yash Himani’s answer is wonderful, and it’s so clear LW that you’ve spent a lot of time thinking through the intellectual and political contexts for your needs, but I also want to remind you that it’s not at all unreasonable to want to feel pretty. That is a real and understandable and perfectly fair thing to want, and even though of course you already understand how that fits into larger interpersonal and cultural patterns, you don’t have to use those things to diminish or qualify what you want if that doesn’t help you. Sometimes it feels good to bring a Big Want down to size, but other times it can be a way we punish ourselves for experiencing want at all, and only you can tell which side of that line you’re on at any given moment. Building your self esteem is all well and good, but it’s not like a homework assignment you have to complete before you can enjoy praise and affirmation from other people too, and that’s one real shortfall of the “you gotta love yourself first if you want other people to love you too” kinds of rhetoric. Even if your self-esteem and self-affirmation are still works in progress (and I personally believe that’s how all of us are! We’re all working on those things because our relationships with ourselves are never “finished”!), you still deserve at every step of the way to receive love, and affection, and praise from the rest of the world too.

Nicole: Please don’t be embarrassed for wanting validation. Who among us does not? And what are we doing here if not validating each others’ existence? You exist in your body and in the world and it is normal and okay to want to be validated about how beautiful you are! One active recommendation I have for dealing with this regardless of whatever external validation you may get, is to figure out how to take whatever you think are beautiful pictures of yourself (I say “whatever you think” because maybe beautiful is a sultry bathtub pic to you or maybe it’s you holding your cat and grinning in the kitchen, you do you) and then you can look at those photos and confirm for yourself that you’re hot and YOU think so and so there! It’s hard out there, and honestly, I think that folks are often too stressed to pause and appreciate each other and this is something I am working on disrupting in myself whenever I can, and I encourage you to do it, too! Put the energy out into the world that you want to get back! Can we all just start complimenting each other more? I would love that, personally. Sending you so much love!

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