Welcome to the 38th edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from A+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box! Here, we answer your questions in a space just for A+ members, safe from the general public. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Here, the Autostraddle team’s doling out advice on everything from sex and relationships, to friend and family dynamics, career questions, style, and more! We’re doing this column TWICE a month, now.

AND a Special Announcement: we’re trying a new thing where the second Into the A+ Advice Box of each month will be themed. This month’s theme is FASHION! Please get your questions in by Monday, July 5, 2021! We’ll continue to have a general Into the A+ Advice Box post published on the first Friday of each month.

So, let’s dig in!

Q1:

Hi all! I wanted to thank Ro and Vanessa, and give a brief update on a question from A+ Box #32, Q. 3. Now that we’re both fully vaccinated and the semester from hell is over, I finally talked to her about how I’m feeling. It did not go particularly well.

She basically said she has not been flirting with me, and she said I’ve been ignoring what she wants in the moment for some future possibility. She said she’s not attracted to me at all, and thought she had been clear about that. There’s a lot more, but I can’t rehash it again (at least until therapy next week–someone give my therapist a raise).

At this point, I’m trying to figure out how we move on from this, and how we can be friends from here. I’m upset that she won’t take responsibility for anything, and is instead placing it all on me. It makes me appreciate Ro and Vanessa’s kind words from before even more. Literally everyone–from my mom to my therapist to another friend–who has heard anything about our interactions and friendship thinks that she has sent mixed messages and been unclear, so I guess that makes me feel a little bit better.

This is almost worse than if she’d said she just enjoyed the attention she’s gotten from this.

Anyway, thank you again for the advice you gave me, and the work you do here on Autostraddle every day. Becoming an A+ member was the best decision I’ve made in a long time, and this website has become a lifeline.

A:

Ro: First of all, I’m so sorry you’re going through this, and I hope you’re proud of yourself for telling your friend how you’ve been feeling.

It sounds like this friend’s unclear actions and words have been causing you a lot of pain for a long time, and I hope you’ll consider stepping away from this friendship for a period of time or maybe for good. Sometimes taking space from a person who has caused harm can give you the time and clarity that you need in order to heal. Taking space can also help you determine if/ how you’d like this person to be in your life in the future. I’m so happy to hear that you’re getting support from your family, friends and therapist while you navigate this. And I’m honored to know that Autostraddle has been part of your support team, too! You deserve to be surrounded by people who show you respect and love.

Kayla: I know that you ideally want to move on and stay friends with her, but I don’t see her putting in the work to make that happen. It can’t all be on you. You tried open and honest communication, and she just sort of steam-rolled over you. That doesn’t make for a very good friendship! Here’s something I tell people in relationships that are similarly imbalanced: If the relationship is taking way more from you than it’s providing, it might be time to reconsider the relationship. I don’t mean to sound overly simplistic: Of course friendships are complicated and it’s not a straightforward science to determine how much it’s taking vs. how much it’s providing. But I’m struggling to see any evidence that your friend is committed to taking any responsibility for some of the confusing boundaries in your friendship. There’s only so much YOU can do. Repairing relationships can’t happen only from one side.

Q2:

Hi I need to stop smoking I think it’s really killing me. I always stop sometimes for years and start again. I am nervous. I start again normally by being with people because of maybe social anxiety? Has anyone tried hypnosis? Also I love the advice you are all giving here!

A:

Nicole: FIRST, I am wishing you tons of luck! You CAN do it! You CAN quit!  So, I can only tell you that I tried to quit smoking, several times over a number of years, and what finally did it was driving, in order to move, across the country from California to Pennsylvania, and not bringing any cigarettes. I took 10 days, saw various sights, resisted the urge to get cigarettes at gas stations and arrived at my new destination a non-smoker. I was moving anyway and took advantage of the complete scene change to reset my brain. (Although I’m going to be honest and say I will still smoke on occasion, even though this is rare.) Is it possible, in any way, to remove yourself from (or remove temporarily) situations or other triggers you associate with smoking, long enough to get over the worst, first days of withdrawl? (Example: go somewhere you can’t smoke when meeting up with friends instead of to a place where you normally smoke.) After that, of course, you still have to do the work of resisting emotional / mental cravings. I’ve found it helpful to use a sort of negative sensory visualization. You can imagine smoking the cigarette, the shitty aftertaste, the feeling of not being able to breathe as well, scratching in your throat, it ultimately not being that worth it. You can ask yourself if you really want a cigarette or if you want something else. (Do you just want to take a break? Are you tired? Are you upset or stressed?) You can also set a timer each time you want a cigarette and tell yourself you can re-evaluate if you actually go for one when the timer for 10-20 minutes is up. This might help you make a more mindful decision if you decide to try something like tapering off. I absolutely do not know about hypnosis, but maybe someone reading this does and you want to tell us about it in the comments! Keep doing research! Don’t give up! Find a buddy! Sending love and luck for quitting your way.

Q3:

Does anyone have advice for figuring out if you’re asexual/on the ace spectrum? Some of the things especially about demisexuality resonate, but I also just don’t have a lot of sexual or dating experience so it’s hard to know for sure, since I feel like I don’t have a lot of data to work with. There’s also the fact that, while I used to constantly have a massive crush on at least one person, I’ve felt pretty uninterested for a couple years and idk if that’s just a growing up/leveling-out hormones thing, a maybe-depressed thing, or has something to do with being aspec? (I’ll be 30 in July, for what it’s worth)

I know precise labels aren’t the be-all end-all, it’s one of the reasons I love “queer” so much. But I’m also a big fan of introspection/self-knowledge and I feel like this would be helpful to figure out.

Basically, I’m finding it a lot harder to determine if I’m ace than I did to figure out I’m bi. Is it just me, or is it harder to place something that is defined by an absence of something than a presence of it?

A:

Carolyn: If you are the type of person who learns about themselves from reading, I strongly recommend Ace: What Asexuality Reveals about Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex by Angela Chen as a tool for your investigative toolkit.

Kayla: For a lot of folks, “data” really can help with figuring out identities/wants. So seeking out a range of experiences and then taking the time to literally note what feels and doesn’t feel good (in a journal or just as a mental self-reflection if you don’t like to write things down). Books like the ones Carolyn mentioned can also take the place of actual experience if dating is feeling intimidating while you figure things out. But I think something that can REALLY help with all of this is reminding yourself that you can change the way you identify any time. I think there’s often a tendency to worry about picking the “wrong” label and then having to “start from scratch,” but that’s truly not how any of this works. You can move between identities for any reason, and maybe holding that in mind will help ease some pressure off yourself and let you figure out what you want right now.

Q4:

I just got diagnosed with genital herpes. I am feeling lost with how to have safe sex now, knowing that transmission can happen even outside of an outbreak, and it’s like all about skin to skin contact, so not even a condom is 100% since there’s plenty of genital skin to skin contact even when that barrier is being used.

My equipment is a vagina/clitoris set, if it matters.
Thoughts I’ve had so far are a) giving oral and b) using a harness with underwear on / a harness that it itself is a barrier. I could use some more ideas. Especially, I’m not a top and don’t want to only give pleasure from now on (but it’s still fun, so if that’s all your ideas, I still want to hear them).

I do have a life partner that I’ll probably have less safe sex with, but we’re open and I want to have safer sex with those other people.

A:

Ro: Navigating safer sex after an STI diagnosis can be tough, but it’s totally possible to have a fulfilling, enjoyable sex life while taking some extra precautions! It sounds like you already know that you shouldn’t have sex during an outbreak if you want to avoid transmission and that you should use barriers when you do have sex. Fortunately, condoms aren’t the only barriers that exist, and you can still bottom with a few precautions in place. Here are some ideas:

+ receive oral sex while using a dental dam (quick tip – put some water based lube on the part of the dental that touches your vulva. This will help the dental dam form to your lips and it will prevent skin irritation, which folks with genital herpes should avoid).
+ receive analingus while using a dental dam
+ ask your partner to use a vibrator on you (just make sure to clean the vibrator and/ or put a condom over it if you want to use it on your partner)
+ ask your partner to penetrate you with a dildo (either in their hand or in a harness that covers their genitals)
+ ask your partner to penetrate you with their fingers while wearing latex or nitrile gloves

Of course, there’s still a small risk of transmission even if you’re using barriers. Fortunately, there are some really effective antiviral therapies out there that can greatly reduce the risk of spreading herpes. Talk to your doctor about those options if that’s something you’re open to exploring. And if you’re having an outbreak or just want to be extra safe during a particular sexual encounter, mutual masturbation can be super hot (especially if you incorporate some role play or dirty talk).

Q5:

My girlfriend is a young brown DACAmented queer woman who is pursuing a graduate degree in a field absolutely dominated by white men. She has had to constantly fight to gain access to spaces and resources her peers just take for granted. She is not a quiet person. She stands up for herself and for what she knows to be right. I find this to be inspiring and just plain badass. Unfortunately, not everyone agrees. Her advocacy has accrued her a number of “enemies.” Sometimes she comes home frustrated about experiencing yet another comment, injustice, or slight. This is not a new experience for either of us, but somehow covid has underscored all the micro and macro aggressions holding her back and I can tell this is getting to her, more than usual. I (also a young brown DACAmented queer woman) sometimes find myself advising her to be “more diplomatic,” to “moderate her responses,” or to “first consider the repercussions.” I find myself often worried and scared about her speaking up. I would love some advice about how to overcome some of my own fears and be a better ally for her.

A:

Kayla: I really feel for you and your partner. Even in relationships where some of our identities might overlap, there are of course so many differences in experiences and the way we confront micro and macro aggressions. It is reasonable to be worried and scared about your partner speaking up, but if that is the way she chooses to handle things, rather than immediately suggesting alternatives, it’s always best to start by listening and also asking how to best support her. Sometimes people aren’t really sure how they want to be supported, but a big part of that is because it’s rare to be asked! When your partner shares one of her experiences from work, ask her what she needs from you. It’s possible that she WILL ask you for your thoughts on how you would have handled it or how she could have handled it differently. In that case, feel free to speak honestly! But sometimes if you’re immediately starting from a place of “be more diplomatic,” or “do it this way,” it can come off as being unsupportive—even if your intent is her well-being. It’s totally fine that you have different approaches/instincts, and it’s helpful to talk about those differences. It’s possible that your girlfriend can help you overcome some of your own fears if you talk to her about what you’re feeling. Try to learn from each other and hold space for each other.

Himani: This is such a difficult situation, and I am really sorry your partner is having to deal with all this racism in grad school. That, unfortunately, is not all that uncommon. As Kayla noted in her reply, it’s important to make sure you and your girlfriend are on the same page in terms of what kind of support she is looking for from you.

In terms of overcoming some of your fears—I think one thing that can be hard for people supporting someone in a situation like your girlfriend’s is that it can be tempting to think “if she only handled xyz situation the way I would, then she’d have an easier time.” If you haven’t already done this, I might suggest a mental exercise (that you do on your own, without your girlfriend): Based on what you know of her professors and her peers, play out the scenario where she is “more diplomatic” and “moderates her responses.” What would come of her doing that? Would it lead to her being better supported in grad school? Or might it lead her to being one more isolated person of color who has been ignored and neglected by her program, silently putting up with microaggressions on the regular? A part of this exercise that I think can also be really useful to think through is what does “having an easier time” mean? Will it truly land her the opportunities and acknowledgement she deserves? Or might it lead her to feeling unappreciated, unvalued and like her work is going unseen? Sometimes, it can be tempting to think that having enemies who explicitly work against you is worse than the quiet disregard of a more covert racism, but at least in my own personal experience with this the latter can really take a huge mental toll.

I don’t know the details of the situation your girlfriend is dealing with, but when I reflect on my own experiences where I’ve been mistreated in an environment dominated by white people (and, specifically, white men), I realize (in looking back) that any amount of diplomatic advocating on my own behalf would never have amounted to anything. White people, and especially white men, are particularly good at coming up with straw man excuses for why their racist, misogynist behavior is everything but that. But, in the situations where I did self-advocate, it helped me feel like I had value and purpose—that, even if I couldn’t actively change much about my own situation at least I wasn’t taking it lying down and maybe, just maybe, some of the things I was advocating for would make a difference for the next brown or Black person down the line. Maybe this doesn’t apply to your girlfriend’s situation, but it may be something to consider and reflect on, as well, that her advocacy is really her lifeline, right now.

Another thing you can consider discussing with your girlfriend when it comes up again, is to talk to her about what she thinks she may be able to do in the future? If she’s in a master’s program, grad school will end for her sooner rather than later, and so it might help her to keep up her spirits and her perspective to think about what that future might look like. What opportunities might exist in her discipline for working at an organization that isn’t dominated by white men? And if that doesn’t really exist (or is limited to the point of being prohibitive, which happens in a lot of data and tech work, for instance) then maybe have conversations about what she wants to do down the line, now that she’s had these experiences and knows what the environment will be like? That’s also a useful exercise for if she’s in a longer PhD program. This isn’t to say she should leave her field, but maybe discuss what other support networks would be useful for her to have in the future, that may not be accessible right now. For example, being closer to family/friends if that’s not the case currently, being in a bigger city with more diversity (again, if that’s not the case currently), being in a place that has affinity groups for people of color and immigrants (either within the specific organization or in the town/city), etc.

Q6:

am i non-binary or is it just internalized misogyny?! does anyone else struggle with this? any resources for working through this?

A:

Carolyn: In my own experience as a nonbinary person, cis people don’t usually wonder if they’re non-binary enough or if the reasons they feel non-binary are valid, because they are simply cis. Internalized misogyny is a hell of a drug, but it’s not inherently a trans drug, unless you are trans, in which case any drug is a trans drug.

Himani: I think about gender a lot and there are a few articles that I want to recommend to you, in case you haven’t already read them:
+ Archie recently did this incredible roundtable with four genderqueer people, A Gender by Any Other Name: What Does the Term Genderqueer Mean to Us in 2021? In addition to the full post itself, I also really appreciated the discussion in the comments section where many others shared their experiences and the language they use to capture those experiences.
+ Two essays on the limitations of Western language around genderfluid/non-binary identity: Gender Fluidity and the Black Atlantic by Lazarus and Mourning the Loss of Indigenous Queer Identities by Astrud Bowman.
+ An essay on gender and non-binary identity: What You Think A Woman Looks Like by Nat Razi
+ The Assimilationist, or: On the unexpected cost of passing as a trans woman by Emily VanDerWerff. This essay is about Emily’s experiences as a trans woman, but her essay is just an incredible series of reflections on gender.

Q7:

Hello,

Do you think I sound like an asshole/insensitive cis person if, when asked to give pronouns, I say something like “any pronouns used respectfully are fine?”

For context, I am a gender nonconforming afab person who often gets gendered as a teenaged boy (although I am 34). I am autistic, and “gendervague” describes my feelings about gender very well. I have a very traditionally female name, and most people who know me use she/her pronouns for me. That feels fine, but it also feels weird to say that those *are* my pronouns. I honestly don’t care which pronouns people use for me.

But I also know that “not caring about pronouns” can sometimes just be a cis privilege in action, and could seem to say that I don’t think pronouns are important. I don’t want to send that message.

Do you think “any pronouns used respectfully are fine” works? Any other ideas?

It’s also very common to put pronouns in e-mail signatures in my professional circles (do-gooder lawyers), which is great, but again it feels weird to choose what to put there, and it’s starting to feel weird not to have anything there. Any thoughts on that are also welcome!

Thank you!

A:

Kayla: Being open to any pronouns for yourself does not directly translate to “not caring” about pronouns when it comes to other people. Those are different things entirely! Your pronouns are yours, and you don’t have to defend yourself or undercut yourself. I have plenty of people in my life who use multiple pronouns or any pronouns, and they say so in their bios. Again, this is far from the same thing as cis people broadly saying “pronouns don’t matter.” You should feel free to take any approach that feels best for you when it comes to your email signature and anything like that.

Ro: First of all, I LOVE the term “gendervague” and deeply relate to that experience. I agree with Kayla. When someone asks for your pronouns, they’re asking about you and your needs. If your needs are “any pronouns,” then that’s what’s true for you. It doesn’t mean that you’re not invested in respecting other peoples’ pronouns.

I also want to add that you don’t have to put your pronouns in your email signature if you don’t want to. I’ve been seeing a lot employers and employees — mostly straight, cis folks — latch onto the idea that pronouns MUST go in your email signature in order to create a work environment that’s safe and welcoming for everyone. Sometimes it’s a great gesture, but sometimes it’s complicated, especially for those of us who feel unsure about our pronouns and those of us who are instantly outed when we share our pronouns. There are plenty of other ways you can contribute to a welcoming work environment.

Q8:

I’m in my late 30s and I’ve been on a few dates with a woman around my age. It’s been going really well but she recently confided in me that I am her first romantic relationship with a woman; she realized she was queer over quarantine. I’ve been dating women since I was a teenager, and I haven’t dated someone with such an experience gap before. Any advice for handling this? We’ve been talking about it a lot, and I think it puts a strange pressure on both of us in some ways.

A:

Kayla: This is an interesting question, because I feel like we so often get it from the other perspective (someone who is less experienced asking for guidance), and a lot of the times, the advice ends up being “no one cares!” and “it doesn’t matter!” But of course that’s an oversimplification. Experience gaps can absolutely affect a relationship, and I think it’s good that you’re talking about it. As always, I want to caution against overprocessing though. Sometimes talking about it TOO MUCH can make us get too in our own heads. I think it makes sense that you’re feeling some pressure, but it’s important to remember that her experience (or lack thereof) does not mean that you have to “prove” something. You don’t have to be the best, most perfect, all-knowing queer guide for her (and hopefully she isn’t treating you as such—if she is, point it out and let her know how it makes you feel). You’re allowed to mess up, make mistakes, and not have everything perfectly figured out. You can learn from each other, and your experience doesn’t necessarily automatically make you the authority on All Things Queer.

Himani: As Kayla noted, we get this question often from the other perspective. One thing I’ve said in response in the past that I’ll repeat here is that having prior relationship experience, while useful in knowing what you want out of a relationship, is not particularly relevant to a new relationship because you are different people.

Personally, I think that discussing this will be useful for both of you, but if you haven’t already done so, I might suggest that you each individually think about what you think this experience gap may portend for your relationship; after that, address those concerns directly. I think a common fear with experience gaps is that the more experienced person ends up being the one to “explain” everything to the less experienced person, and this is not really a great dynamic to have in any relationship. What other resources can the person you’re dating turn to work through some of the newness of queer relationships, in addition to discussing these things with you? (For instance, resources to read/watch online, online/in-person community groups, friends, etc.)

The other thing I’ll add here, which may or may not apply to your situation, is that coming out older can feel alienating at times because it feels like there are all these in-jokes that all the lifelong gays have and people can sometimes talk about a person newly into their queer identity in infantilizing ways that compeletely discredit and undermine the life they’ve lived so far. It’s very possible that some of what’s coming up in your “experience gap” conversations may actually be something that needs to be framed as having different experiences of coming into queer identity. Rather than thinking of it as the person that you’re dating is lacking experience, it’s that they have had a very different but no less valid experience of queerness than you have.

Q9:

Hey cool humans, I hope your day is going well! Your hair looks great.

I was wondering if y’all have any resources for navigating polyamory in an academic context. I’m about to be a professor in a place that seems (fairly) liberal, but where everyone is also seemingly straight and married with kids. Searching on Google for polyamorous academics repeatedly returns results for some people who’ve made a name out of it, but nothing too helpful. Any tips for finding stories of people living queer, polyam lives? Thanks much!

A:

Here is our entire polyamory tag! I hope that’s helpful. Maybe you’ve already looked though, in which case, sorry to be repetitive! Also, of the polyam academics I know, they don’t exclusively see fellow academics. It’s unclear to me from your question whether that was what you are hoping for, but my advice would be to not limit yourself before you’ve even arrived and gotten to know the larger community! Maybe I’m misreading and you’re looking for biographical info on queer poly academics? Does anyone have any recs you all want to share in the comments?

Q10:

My long-term girlfriend (whom I live with) has a very small appetite and doesn’t tend to eat leftovers. She’s also a (self-described) picky eater. Totally ok! My advice question concerns my frustration in how we do takeout or go out to eat (obviously w covid this isn’t as much of a pertinent issue, but in the before times, etc). We split finances so she covers much more of the rent and I cover groceries and restaurants/cafes/etc. Very, very often, my gf only has a tiny bit of what she orders, or wants to order multiple things (sides etc.) or do modifications (making things more expensive) and the food basically goes to waste. She tells me that I can just eat it for lunch or whatever the next day, and that’s fine but… Sometimes I don’t want to lol because it’s not what I want. Sometimes I do just eat it because I’m less picky and hate food waste. Anyway, am I right to feel annoyed about this? I grew up food insecure (she did not) and it’s totally possible this is something that’s a personal issue of mine and not a valid annoyance, so I’m curious if anyone has experienced a similar dynamic or has some insight. At times when I’ve mentioned wanting to order in lunch for myself (when she’s at work outside of the home, for example) she’ll get annoyed if she thinks I’m not also including an order for her or feels left out. I don’t want her to feel left out or hungry ever! But again, the food waste kills me.

A:

Ro: This sounds really frustrating! Financial situations that feel unfair can be a recipe for resentment, so I encourage you and your girlfriend to figure out a new way to split up the bills. Maybe you each cover half of the rent (or you each cover a portion of the rent that’s calculated based on your individual incomes) and you each buy your own groceries and meals when you go out. That doesn’t eliminate your girlfriend’s food waste, but it prevents you from having to pay for it.

Carolyn: Food and money are both issues that are complicated and can be extremely loaded, even before they intersect. I think it’s worth exploring, on your own, where your feelings are coming from with a little more depth, and then figuring out whether you need to have a conversation with your girlfriend about that, and if so what you would hope the outcome would be.

Kayla: I guess I have some questions about what the main issue is here. Is it a financial tension? You say that you split things so that she covers more rent and you cover restaurants. Does the division feel fair to you? If not, then obviously, that’s a conversation that should be had. But if the issue is just that your girlfriend doesn’t finish food and orders more than she eats, well, there’s not really much you can do about that. Your feelings about food insecurity in your past are valid, but expecting your girlfriend to have the same relationship with food isn’t totally reasonable. If splitting food bills is going to ease some of this tension, then that’s something that can be negotiated. But you can’t really ask your girlfriend to EAT differently or have a different relationship with food. That said, the last part of your letter seems like an area where you can draw a clear boundary. It’s perfectly reasonable for you to order your own food when y’all are in different places and not feel like you have to include her. Not every meal has to be shared, and you’re not “leaving her out” by just fulfilling your own food needs in the moment. That’s a conversation that can be had!

Himani: Here to offer a bit of a different perspective–honestly, food waste is something that really upsets me and so if I were in your situation, I would be pretty frustrated, too. To me, what you’ve described is, yes, about the finances, but it feels like the deeper question here is a question of values. Simply put, your girlfriend doesn’t think that food waste is a problem (either financially or in terms of the global problems around hunger/scarcity wherein the world produces enough food to feed everyone but rich countries waste a lot of food while people in developing countries starve or in terms of the related environmental issues/climate change). Maybe you’re not as extreme in your feelings on this topic as I am, but clearly you care about it more than your girlfriend does. So, personally, I think the self-reflection and conversations that need to happen here are around whether you and your girlfriend’s values around all sorts of broader issues in the world are aligned enough in ways that generally feel good to you or if you think there are some major differences in what things you care about and how much. If it’s the latter, then, I think, that may be something to discuss with your girlfriend to see if you can find a middle ground where you see more eye to eye on those issues. At the end of it, Kayla is correct in that you can’t change your girlfriend’s relationship to food and you certainly shouldn’t expect or demand that she changes either her attitude or her behavior. But I think it might be helpful to see whether your feel similarly about the underlying values themselves that are being enacted in each of your relationship to food. The behavior might not change but in talking about the values, you might find that (for instance) your girlfriend does think about climate change/waste/etc in a way similar to you and that it’s reflected in her actions / behaviors in other ways. Or, you know, you might find that you really don’t see eye to eye on those values at all, in which case, there may be other questions you need to start asking yourself.

Q11:

I’ve been trying to write this question for like 5 minutes, but it seems to be harder than I expected to get my thoughts out, so bear with me! I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for much of my 20s. It ended for good about 3 years ago, and about a year ago I finally worked up to disclosing the abuse to a few friends who still had contact with my ex. All of them were very supportive, but one friend in particular is still in contact with my ex. The friend knows I don’t want to talk about my ex, but I see them interact on social media. I feel partially responsible because I think I said something like, “I don’t expect you to drop them completely because of this.” I guess I kinda thought they would anyway. The other friends I disclosed to were a lot more decisive and deleted them on social media, etc. How do I let my friend make their own decision when that decision feels like a rock in my shoe?

A:

Carolyn: Gently and with love: No one can control how anyone interacts with anyone else. If you don’t want to see your friend and your ex interact on social media, unfollow, mute, or block your ex so the interactions between mutuals don’t appear. You can consider muting your friend so you see them if they interact directly with you but not otherwise. Finally, you can also consider your level of engagement in that friendship and how you want to show up for it given that they interact with your ex, but you can’t control the fact of that interaction. It’s not a matter of saying “if you don’t stop talking to that person, I will stop talking to you.” (See: you can’t control how anyone interacts with anyone else.) It’s simply a matter of looking within and figuring out how you want to show up given what you’ve seen. In my own version of your situation, the answers I found for myself varied according to both the friend and their level of friendship with the person who mistreated me: in some cases a silence, in some cases a taking of space, in some cases a more distanced friendship. While some part of me would love if everyone I ever shared my situation with had, at minimum, unfollowed that person immediately, what I found to be important in the end wasn’t that, but how I approached things for myself.

Kayla: I second everything Carolyn said, especially the tangible actions of muting/blocking/etc. I will also add that if you want to have a second conversation with your friend, you can. You told them the first time around that you didn’t expect them to drop your ex completely, and your friend may have taken that to mean you wouldn’t really be affected. If you want to, you can have an honest conversation about them about how you weren’t totally honest about your feelings (or hadn’t known what it would feel like for them to stay friends). I’m not saying that this will necessarily yield the results you want, because like Carolyn said you can never really control other people’s relationships/friendships, but it gives you an opportunity to be more emotionally honest with your friend. After that though, you still have to let them make their own decision. They’ll just have a different set of information to go on than last time. And, of course, don’t try to make them feel guilty or anything like that. Just approach it from a place of being like “hey, I guess I was kind of wrong about how I might feel if you stayed friends, and here’s how I actually feel.” But really, this is ultimately about you and taking care of yourself. If you need some space from this friend, listen to that.

Q12:

So the past 18 months have brought a lot of change including me finally accepting that I’m non binary and queer. I’ve gone on a couple of dates with someone I really like. But they have some pandemic pets they are very attached to. Is it terrible of me to think that I spent too many years in the closet to come second to their pet rats? I really like this person and being with them makes me very happy but they have pretty much spelled out that their pets come first. I’m really conflicted about whether to end it and would love some advice!

(I’m not totally unsympathetic as I also have a pandemic pet that I love very much, but I wouldn’t put my cat before someone I’m in a relationship with).

A:

Ro: First, congrats on figuring out your authentic sexuality and gender! I hope that you’re on your way to living your most fulfilling life.

I’m not clear on what it looks like for you to “come second to their pet rats.” Does this person cancel dates in order to spend time with their animals? Regardless of what’s happening, it sounds like the person you’re dating has been clear about their priorities, and those priorities might not fit into your idea of a fulfilling relationship. Are there specific things you’re wanting from this person (more quality time, weekly dates, keeping commitments, etc.) that you could ask for? Being clear about your expectations might uncover a miscommunication.

If it sounds like this person can’t meet your relationship needs, then move on and try dating some other people. Eventually, you’ll find a person (or people) whose values align more closely with your own. And as an added bonus, dating different kinds of people is a great way to explore new facets of your sexuality and gender!

Carolyn: For many people, the pandemic has been very clarifying around personal boundaries. You don’t need to have the same boundaries as someone else to respect theirs. But you do need to be able to respect theirs. In many ways, it does not matter what the pets are, or that there’s a boundary around pets instead of around work or other partners or alone time or anything else. What matters is that there’s a boundary, that it is not about you, and that if you are not into respecting it then you should part ways.

Kayla: If this person has been clear and upfront about their priorities (and it sounds like they have), then you just have to respect it or move on. If their pet rats come first, their pet rats come first. Honestly, this prioritization has nothing to do with you so you shouldn’t take it personally! But if it’s not the dynamic you’d like in a relationship, then it’s cool to just end things and move forward. In general when it comes to casual/early stages of dating, if a relationship dynamic isn’t what you really want, it’s best to listen to that and seek something else rather than expect someone to change for your benefit.

Q13:

Hello!
Is romantic friendship a thing? This year I’ve become very close friends with a new person, let’s call her Jess. I moved cities during the pandemic and Jess has become one of my main lifelines. We work together and live nearby. It’s obvious that we genuinely care a lot about each other and have a lot in common. Jess has a boyfriend she loves but she is coming into a clearer understanding of her bisexuality. She’s fallen in love with women before but never dated any. The thing that is bothering me is that whenever she drinks she really starts flirting with me and more than once has leaned in and said something like “you know I’m in love with you, right?” She also likes to hold my hand and I’m pretty sure we’ve come breaths away from getting p.h.y.s.i.c.a.l. But then we never talk about it when she’s sober. It’s like it never happened. Furthermore we don’t have the same chemistry sober. It’s there but friendship vibes prevail. I really like her (and her boyfriend!). And I’m worried this is all going to blow up in my face. I don’t want her to break up with her boyfriend to be with me (we’re not poly) but I also kind of like having a level of romantic feelings for each other. So, please tell me, is there something like a romantic friendship or am I just headed towards a cliff of sleeping with her then drama then loosing my main friend who got me through a pandemic? Or what might be going on with her? Another friend said she’s “experimenting” but I found that insulting. It might also be relevant that we’re in our 30s & that I’m finally ready to date again after a very painful breakup 6 mo ago. Thanks for any help!

A:

Valerie Anne: I have been in this situation a few times, and frankly I have no idea why it keeps happening to me, but I have had my fair share or “work wives” or “hetero life partners” aka people who I was basically in a relationship with in every way but physical. (And in my case, they always also had a boyfriend and self-identified as straight when I met them…some eventually realized they were bisexual or, in one case, hetersexual/biromatic) I think you have your answer buried in your question; you said she’s coming into a clearer understanding of her bisexuality, and I think you’re a pivotal part of that. It’s different than “experimenting” – in fact, it’s probably not even a conscious decision. But it seems like her comfort level with you combined with you being queer (and maybe because she feels stable in her relationship with her boyfriend so she knows this behavior won’t threaten it) is allowing her to lean into those queer feelings inside her without much perceived risk. Of course, as you pointed out, there is actually risk. This is all fun and games until the feelings get a little too real. Until suddenly you get that little twinge in your chest when she says she can’t hang out because she has plans with her boyfriend. Then it’s time to draw a line, either within yourself or actually out loud with her, depending on how far things have gone. You might either have to take some time apart to sort out your feelings, or ask her to stop being so flirty when you’re drinking together. Or even just flat-out ask her what her deal is. I do think it’s possible to just have a flirty, quasi-romantic friendship without expectations but you have to really check-in with yourself frequently to make sure you’re NOT secretly holding out for the day you get together; the flirty romantic friendships only work if there is no ulterior motive and you’re not harboring hope for more, in my personal experience.

Kayla: Romantic friendship is absolutely a thing and can be fun and rewarding—if it’s what you really want. Valerie gave some incredible advice, and I second it, especially the part at the end about not having ulterior motives. Long-term pining over a friend can be really draining and ultimately unhealthy for anyone involved. That said, it does sound to me like alcohol plays a major role in your scenario. I think it could be a good idea to set some clear boundaries—while sober—pertaining to how you interact when you drink. I don’t think she’s “experimenting” while drinking either. Some people just get a little flirty while drinking, and it lowers inhibitions. But the only way to know what she’s feeling is probably to talk about it while NOT drinking. And if you’re frustrated by the differences in how you interact while drinking vs. not drinking, then you can talk about it or also just make the decision to only hang out with her in non-drinking contexts and see what that’s like.

Q14:

How do I get over the massive misanthropy I feel as a result of the pandemic, and seeing how careless and selfish most people have been over the last year? Cases in the UK are rising rapidly again and I spend every day filled with such disgust and rage when I see the country “going back to normal.” It’s made me not want to leave my house, and it’s put me off even talking to my friends who have been going out and about with minimal precautions (some even went on international trips last summer). I think so much less of everyone I know who hasn’t taken the pandemic seriously. I won’t be fully vaccinated until August, so until then I plan to continue staying in my antisocial bubble with my partner, but even after it’s safer for me to ease back into a social life outside of my house, I don’t think I’ll want to. I’ve never been an outgoing person anyway but I’m worried this experience has caused an explosion of nihilism and hatred of humanity in me that I won’t be able to come back from. Do I need therapy to teach me forgiveness?

A:

Ro: I don’t think you have to forgive people who are knowingly putting their communities at risk during the pandemic. It sounds like pandemic has revealed your friends’ true values, and sometimes those values might not align with your own. It sucks to see. I do think it’s important to remember that social media doesn’t give us the full story, so if you’re assessing a person’s behavior based on their Instagram stories, you might want to ask some follow up questions before passing judgement or cutting that person out. But if you’ve clearly identified a misalignment with certain friends and acquaintances, then it’s ok to let those relationships go and prioritize the people who are on your team.

Even though I don’t believe forgiveness is necessary, I do believe that therapy can provide a safe space to process pandemic anger and anxiety in a healthy way, so I hope you’ll consider it. Many of us are struggling to reenter parts of our lives we haven’t touched in over a year, and we need all the support we can get.

Kayla: I agree that forgiveness doesn’t have to be the goal. I totally agree with Ro though that it’s possible that in some instances social media hasn’t given you a full picture. If it’s important to you to know, understand, and agree with your friends’ values, then you should outright ask them about their values. Then it’s up to you to decide what to do with that information. There might be people in your friend group who feel similarly frustrated with you, which can help you feel less nihilistic. Approach from a place of empathy but also know that you can be strong in your convictions and values. You only really have control over your own choices. And if you choose to end certain friendships, you can. You can also seek out like minded people as you start to socialize again. BUT if you’re not ready to socialize frequently, that’s okay, too! I think everyone needs to operate at their own pace when it comes to changing social behaviors post-vax.

Himani: Yeah, I can relate to so much of what you’re writing about here. To me, it sounds like your anger is with the people you know personally, certainly, but it also seems to extend to the broader universe of people and corporations and governments who have decided that suddenly we are not in a global pandemic any more, even as tens of thousands of people continue to die around the world. Personally, this situation has really amped up and reinforced a lot of the cynicism I already had about humanity. For me, therapy and writing have been life lines to help me process these feelings about a situation over which I have very little control, so that the feelings of anger and powerlessness don’t fully consume me. I don’t know if you’ll find this useful or not, or if anyone else has had this experience, but I think my rage was the greatest just before I was vaccinated, but now that I am fully vaccinated, I’ve been able to deflect some of that rage by doing things I enjoy safely that I hadn’t been able to do before the pandemic, like spending time with family and friends who have taken the pandemic seriously.

I think the other thing to keep in mind with all of this is that the government response to the pandemic has been so inadequate (certainly in the U.S. and, from what I can tell, in the U.K. as well) and so people have been left to make their own decisions. Some people are doing this in bad faith (like the people who went on international vacations last year, as you mentioned). But in talking with others I’ve found that at the core we have felt and continue to feel similarly about the pandemic, and it’s just that we’ve made some different decisions around what we would/would not do because the governmental guidance was so laissez faire. This may be something that’s helpful to reflect on as you think about specific people in your life who maybe made different decisions than you but generally cared about the situation as a whole.

Q15:

I need help remembering how to reconnect/interact with friends! How do you reconnect with friends after having not been in touch during COVID? (basically if you haven’t talked to someone since March 2020, how do you get back in touch with them now?) I feel rusty at social interactions right now (even just texting!) and I think from that anxiety I keep projecting that friends I haven’t heard from in over a year are somehow “mad at me”. (Mind you, these are friendships where we both haven’t reached out over this span of time.) I want to reconnect with friends, but every time I start to text them it feels like too much work to ask questions like “How have you been?” or “What have you been up to?” (Both because I don’t want to recap my past year, and bc I haven’t been in touch with these friends so I don’t know what their year has been like for them and what they’ve faced.) How do I reconnect while being sensitive to the fact that we’ve all been through a lot of shit the past year and it’s totally fine if a friend doesn’t want to talk? I guess I also worry about if I don’t say something now, too much time will pass and these friends and I won’t be able to reconnect. (I’m mostly thinking of a handful of my friends who live out of state, people I can’t visit in person easily. I’m also not on social media at all so maybe this is increasing my feelings of isolation. Prior to the pandemic I would have texted these various friends several times a month or every few months, written cards/letters/postcards, or FaceTimed/talked on the phone every so often.)

A:

Ro: You’re not alone! My social circle shrank significantly in 2020, and in some ways, that was a good thing. I prioritized the people I care deeply about, and I felt supported and loved when I was going through hard times. But I also love spending time with my acquaintances and with people I refer to as my “fun buddies” (i.e. we’re probably not going to have an intense emotional conversation and they’re probably not my emergency contacts, but damn, do we have fun at karaoke), and I’m thrilled to have more social options now that I’m fully vaccinated. I’ve rekindled those friendships by sending texts that say something like, “Hey! It’s been a while and I’d love to see you. Do you want to [insert activity]?” I’ve skipped the whole “how was your year?” thing entirely, because 1. The pandemic has been traumatic for many of us, and 2. I hate answering that question! I had a rough 1.5 years! My life looks totally different now than it did in early 2020. I’d prefer to let those facts come up organically during a hangout instead of all at once in a text. So far, reaching out to my fun buddies has been pretty easy, because a lot of people are sending those kinds of texts right now. It’s not weird at all!

It’s also been helpful to put myself in spaces where I’ll likely run into my fun buddies and acquaintances. If sending a text feels too high-pressure, try heading back to your local haunts and striking up conversations with the people you recognize. You might even make some new friends, too.

Kayla: Even before the pandemic, I sometimes went through periods of time where I fell out of touch with friends who I was previously VERY close with. When you don’t live in the same place, that sometimes just happens! And it’s definitely a thing for a lot of folks due to the pandemic; I’m in the same boat as you! But I’m also applying some of the lessons I learned pre-pandemic when it comes to reconnecting with friends, and I can share those with you. To start, keep it simple. Don’t apologize for not reaching out more. We’ve all been over-extended, and what really matters is that you want to reconnect and talk NOW. No need to rehash the past. Avoid big, overarching questions/asking someone to recap their whole year. As Ro said, the pandemic has been traumatic for many. But even with that aside, it’s just not really possible (or all that fun) to recap an entire year of one’s life over text. When you’re close with someone, it is totally chill to just text them out of the blue about whatever! It can be a meme that reminded you of them or a book you think they should read or anything like that! Conversation might deepen after that, but what really matters is trying to stay in the present. This alleviates some of the pressure and makes it feel more natural. Sometimes I also like to send voice memos to friends! It’s sometimes nice/grounding to hear someone’s voice, but sending voice memos is a little more relaxed than FaceTiming or something like that, because it doesn’t have to be a real-time conversation.

Himani: Personally, I have found texting incredibly overwhelming as I’ve been trying to reconnect with people, and I say this as a person who was previously an avid texter. If you’re feeling similarly, then you might reach out and suggest a phone call/video chat as the main way to catch up (ie, “Hey! We haven’t talked in forever, but I’ve been thinking of you and would love to catch up. Want to set up some time to talk on the phone or video?”) I’ve found this to be a more engaging way of interacting with people after a year and a half of spending so much time alone with my communications happening solely over text. In terms of what to say, I agree with Ro and Kayla that recapping the previous year is going to be unpleasant for all involved. In some of my catch ups with people, we address this upfront, ie “It’s been a hell of a year… I don’t even know what to say about it…” and then pivoting the conversation immediately to what you’re doing in the present–what you’ve been up to as things have been reopening, interesting movie/book/TV that you want to chat about, what’s going on at work, or any topics you shared in common in your friendship. And finally, in terms of your concern about too much time passing and not being able to reconnect–one of the beauties of friendship, I’ve found, is that there are friends I’ve reconnected with even after many years’ gap. Reach out to your friends as you feel up to it, and even if that means many more months pass before you do or some don’t get back to you for a while, those friendships may come back and surprise you in the future.

Q16:

I came out as nonbinary (they/she) during quarantine, and I got top surgery a few months ago. Before the surgery, my (cis, straight) partner told me he was worried he might be less attracted to me afterwards, and that seems to be the case. We want to stay together, but this has been a real hit to my confidence; right as I’m starting to feel more comfortable, I am getting the message that I’m less desirable, or that there’s something wrong with me. Do you have any advice for getting through this? Or feeling better about myself?
Love, Titless in Seattle

A:

Carolyn: Gently, and with love: it might be time to explore, for yourself, why you want to stay together. How do you want to feel in a romantic partnership? How do you want to experience being desired? How do you want to feel in your gender? And, how does this existing partnership measure up?

Kayla: You deserve to feel desired, and if your current relationship isn’t providing that, it’s time to re-evaluate. I know you say you want to stay together, but is this a fixable conflict? Simply put: What would you need from your partner in order to feel desired and rebuild confidence, and is your partner able to actually provide that? If they cannot, then it means doing the work of rebuilding your confidence on your own—which is totally possible! But I think that journey would only work outside of this relationship.

Q17:

Friends, I need help. I’m the (rare?) type of gay that doesn’t seem to ever fall in love with straight women. If a woman is straight and/or married, my brain can certainly appreciate how pretty they are, but I don’t seem to ever develop a crush/feelings for someone until I at least think there is a chance they are not straight. Which, honestly, is a great feature that I love about myself and I think it’s saved me from many heartbreaks of falling for straight girls over the years. Over the past handful of months, I’ve deduced it’s highly unlikely that one of my female coworkers is straight based on some observations I’ve made. We are very much just coworkers and not friends outside of work at all and don’t even really work super close to each other, but we interact once in a while. But wow, have I started crushing hard all of a sudden. Lately I’ve been finding myself grossly over-romanticizing what a future with a crush would look like. I imagine us getting drunk and making out, but also just romanticize us doing cute domestic couple-y things together. I’m a grown ass adult, but this weird dreaming of what a future would look like with this person I don’t even talk to that much is a foreign concept that my brain has recently gotten into. I feel like I’m just setting my poor heart up to be disappointed. How do I make this stop?!

A:

Carolyn: Sometimes it’s a lot safer to fantasize about a stranger (or in this case coworker) than it is to go after the type of life we want. In this situation, I’m wondering if either of the following two things are true: You are on some level interested in exploring a connection with your co-worker, and are minimizing that (by sharing that you don’t know each other that well, or don’t hang out outside of work) to yourself to make that feel safe. Or, you are on some level interested in exploring a committed relationship in general, and it’s safer to fantasize about that than take a step towards it as a reality. Maybe neither is true! Maybe both are!

When I’ve had these situations in my own life, I also personally find it helpful to masturbate, to see if that might be part of what’s going on for me. Even if it’s not, the resulting clarity can be helpful in investigating a situation.

Kayla: Totally agree with Carolyn about those two possibilities playing a role here. I really think it’s easy to project our fantasies and desires onto people we don’t know super well but with whom we have consistent interaction. Workplace crushes are perfect for this kind of projecting/fantasy. Only you can really know if you’re actually interested in pursuing something with this person, and in order to explore that, you have to get out of your own head and actually try to get to know your coworker, because the person you’re currently crushing on is sort of a product of your own imagination. Given that you haven’t really spent time with your coworker outside of work, you don’t really know who they are! Maybe getting to know them better will curb these fantasies. You could realize that the Real version of them doesn’t really line up with the fantasy version in your head. Hell, you might even realize that they ARE straight after all (I’m not trying to doubt your observations, but sometimes it can be difficult to accurately draw conclusions about people in a work setting). And if you’re hoping to be less consumed with the fantasies, well, problem solved! Or the opposite could happen if you spend time together. It could make the fantasies more intense if there really is something there. But either way, it will present you with more information and a chance to make a decision here: Do you want to pursue a relationship with your coworker? It’s a question to ask yourself from a grounded, realistic headspace rather than in your fantasies.

Q18:

I’m queer, in my late twenties, came out over a year or so from spring 2018 to spring 2019. I haven’t had a lot of romantic or sexual experiences since coming out (despite trying with the apps etc. and I recently joined a queer soccer team). I’m not super flirty and I’m not attracted to that many people (which I think is part of why I took longer to realize that I’m queer).

I met someone on an app this winter and we dated for a couple months before they broke things off, saying they’d realized they weren’t over their ex, but we decided to be friends.

Cut to last week — they told me they’ve started dating another friend of theirs. I’m really surprised by how hurt and disappointed I feel. I didn’t think I still had feelings for them but I guess I… do? Also I stalked this new paramour’s social media (which I knew was a bad idea but I couldn’t stop myself) and now I’m torturing myself with thoughts about how she’s hotter than me, more accomplished, etc.

I see all my friends falling in love and it’s like… why not me?! I just want so badly to feel desired and right now I just feel really sad.

A:

Kayla: You probably know this on some level, but in case you need to hear it: There’s no use in trying to compare yourself to who this person is dating. It has nothing to do with you or their decision to end things with you. It’s okay to be sad about it, but you can’t control another person’s choices, and their choices are not a reflection of how hot, talented, accomplished, etc. you are. On a similar note, comparing your life to your friends’ lives isn’t going to get you anywhere either! I get it; if you want to be in love and see people around you falling in love, it’s hard! But it’s also just how it goes sometimes. Once again, it has nothing to do with your capacity for love or your desirability. If you want to feel desired, put yourself out there. Joining the soccer team sounds great, but are there social events you could also go to with teammates/could they introduce you to new friends/potential dates? Instead of stalking this other person’s social media, how about redirecting that time/energy into posting some cute pics of yourself on your own social media, which can be a huge confidence boost! Do it for yourself though—not with the ulterior motive of getting this friend’s attention. In fact, mute them if seeing them with their new person bothers you. You can always choose to un-mute them later.

Himani: I’m just here to commiserate with you. I totally get how lonely it can feel to come out in your late twenties, not have a ton of romantic / sexual experience, not feel attraction to people very often and have the apps generally be a huge bust. It’s ok to feel sad about this particularly difficult combination of experiences, and you’re not alone in having those experiences or those feelings. I’m sorry about what happened with the person you met on the app, but as Kayla said, them dating some other person has nothing to do with you. Another way to look at that situation is not so much that their new partner is “hotter, more accomplished, etc.” but rather that the person you had dated for a couple months was incapable of seeing you for all the hot awesomeness that you are, which is really their loss and your gain because why would you want to be with such a fool? In all seriousness, it’s really hard when it feels like a recurring theme in life that relationships just continually elude you. You’re allowed to feel sad about it, you’re allowed to take breaks from trying to date when it all just feels like too much, and you’re allowed to revisit it all piece by piece when you feel up to it.

Q19:

I’m a 29-year-old cis woman who has never been on a date before, but I recently asked out someone from a dating app and she said yes! (!!!!) If I were meeting a cis man, I would take a million safety precautions, but I’m wondering what the norm is if you’re both women. How important is it to send her info to a friend in case she’s a serial killer? (For context, we are meeting in a cafe in my neighborhood, she knows what city I live in but not what neighborhood, and I’m not planning to bring her home on the first date.)

A:

Ro: Congrats on making your first date happen! Your safety precautions should be whatever makes you feel the most at ease, and as you go on more dates with different people, your precautions might evolve over time. You might also take different precautions for different kinds of dates. People of all genders are capable of harassment, abuse and generally icky behavior, so thinking about your physical and emotional safety is always important. Maybe you’ll google your date to make sure they are who they say they are before you meet up for a daytime coffee date. Maybe you’ll share your location with a friend if you’re planning to go out for late-night drinks with someone new. And remember that precautions aren’t just there to protect you — they’re there to help you feel fully present so you can have a fun time flirting!

Kayla: This is one of those things that shouldn’t really be based on a “norm” or on what anyone else is doing. You have to do what feels the most right for you. Like Ro said, people of any gender are capable of abuse and harm. If you’ve always sent info to a friend about your dates, then just keep doing that to remain consistent. A day date in public sounds pretty safe, but again, this is all going to be case-by-case and just come down to what you feel. I definitely don’t think it’s helpful to assume that meeting up with strangers who happen to be queer women is inherently “safe.”

Nicole: I feel like if you’re meeting someone from the internet / an app, it’s always a good idea to tell someone where you’re going! But then, I’m overly cautious about these things. Like folks said above, do what makes you comfortable!

Q20:

I am looking for advice on how to start having casual sex as somebody who has never had sex of any kind before, and I can’t find any advice that isn’t either geared towards straight people or, if it’s directed at queer people, assumes that you have had “straight sex” before.

I have a bit of dating experience, but literally no sexual experience. I would really like to explore my sexuality, but have no space in my life right now for a relationship, and I am not really interested in having a relationship without having first explored my sexuality with more casual partners. I’m mostly looking for logistical advice on how to make sure I’m being safe (physically and emotionally) without having prior experience and how to find partners who want to have hookups/casual dating with someone inexperienced. Do I need to tell them that I haven’t had sex before, and so, when/how? I also feel weird putting something like “looking for hookups” in a dating profile because I feel like that implies that I have sexual experience. Any advice you have for me would be great, I’m excited to have the hot slutty queer phase of my dreams but this first step is pretty intimidating!

A:

Kayla: For starters, you only have to disclose your sexual history/experience if and when you want to. That’s something that really varies person-to-person, but it’s not deceitful or bad to not be upfront about your level of experience. I think if you’re experiencing anxiety with potential partners and would rather put it out there, you can do so! But there’s no obligation. I also think it’s fine to put “looking for hookups” in your profile—this to me does not connote anything about experience but rather connotes the commitment level you’re seeking, so if it feels right, go ahead and put it in there! As for general advice about casual sex that is not at all heteronormative in its scope/perspective, there are some excellent resources right here on Autostraddle dot com, including: Vanessa’s guide to casual dating; Chingy’s guide to cruising for lesbian sex; Vanessa’s manifesto on assuming everyone thinks you’re hot; Carolyn’s guide to being friends with benefits; Vanessa’s sexting guide; the transcript from the How To Have Gay Sex For The First Time workshop; and others! Dive into the lesbian sex tag for more!

Q21:

i got out of an abusive relationship a few months ago and… I’ve found myself downloading tinder again ! i feel like I want to start dating but also maybe not? i am so confused ! has anyone else felt like this before? I’m in therapy of course and working on stuff but ! was just curious if anyone else has felt like this? this need to want to date again but not at all? i read far too much fanfic and I think all the romance is going to my head ! this is A Lot I’m sorry !!

thank you for your time y’all are the best

A:

Kayla: The thing about starting to date again is that you can always stop. You can download Tinder, swipe a bit, never actually go on any dates, and decide you’re not ready. Or you can go on a few dates and then decide you’re not ready. If you’re feeling a slight itch to try dating again, listen to that. You can always change your mind, and reminding yourself of that might help ease some of the pressure of the situation. The “need to want to date again but not at all” is extremely relatable! If you do want to dabble, maybe go in without too many expectations. Especially if you’re feeling influenced by fanfic (lol—also relatable!), it might be good to keep in mind that romance does not happen right away and that the intimacy/comfort of a healthy relationship isn’t there yet when you’re just starting to get to know someone. Again, just remind yourself that downloading Tinder isn’t signing some sort of contract. Swipe a little and then see how you feel! No need to build it up too much in your head.

Nicole: First of all, I am so glad you’re out of the abusive relationship! That is awesome! As someone who also left an abusive relationship and then suddenly felt like dating before I thought I should be ready, I came to realize that, in fact, being in an abusive relationship is not like being in a fulfilling, healthy relationship at all! Going on dates with an abuser is not at all like going on fun dates with new people, as it turns out, and I think it’s okay for you to want that. In other words, if you are in therapy and dealing with the aftermath of the relationship, and you feel good about dipping a toe in the dating pool, that is okay, and I hope you get to have fun and meet cool, interesting folks. A word of caution that I am sure you don’t need and I don’t want to be patronizing, but I need to say it — love-bombing can feel like sudden romance, but it is not! It is not! So, like Kayla wisely said, romance doesn’t happen right away, and it’s great to have healthy expectations around dating. Good luck!

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