Which Corporate Pride Float Are You?

It’s commonly agreed that Corporate Pride™ is the worst. But here’s a hot take: sometimes we all want to be the worst. That’s why I’m offering you a unique opportunity to spend 5 minutes getting all the evil consumerist urges you’ve ever experienced out of your system to discover which bastion of capitalist exploitation you’d be in your worst nightmares!

Be bad, be greedy, be unscrupulous. But most importantly, do it all at 2.5mph while topless gay men gyrate around you!

Which Corporate Pride Float Are You?

How many rainbows is enough rainbows?(Required)
Pick your pride anthem:(Required)
You’re pulling an all-nighter designing your pride float. Pick a film to keep you company:(Required)
You work for an advertising company that’s hit on the genius idea that you can hijack the entire LGBTQ acronym to sell more stuff! But what will LGBTQ stand for in your corporate fantasy:(Required)
You’ve been partying 13 hours straight and have a hankering for some food that is just like regular food but is wrapped in rainbow packaging? Anyway, pick one:(Required)
Ok, you’ll need to wash that down with a rainbow-packaged beverage now, won’t you?(Required)
You’ve been hit with a class action lawsuit because your company’s been dumping effluent into municipal water supplies. What a downer! Determine your course of action:(Required)
Oh no, you've run out of pride merch! Quick - grab something from the office that you can stick some rainbows on:(Required)
Pick a pair of hot pants:(Required)
You’ve just launched your pride range of products with a splashy campaign on Instagram. Someone asks how much of the proceeds you’ll be donating to gay causes. Quick - make something up!(Required)
You’ve been hired to create diversity and inclusion training videos for a large corporation. You really want a celebrity to appear in them who will appeal to the company’s cis white hetero board while not caring how badly they treat their employees. What celeb do you go for?(Required)
It's finally time for the pride march! But what rainbow-emblazoned transport will you take to get there?(Required)

This site is protected by reCAPTCHA and the Google Privacy Policy and Terms of Service apply.

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!

Sally

Sally lives in the UK. Her work has been featured in a Korean magazine about queer people and their pets, and a book about haunted prisons. She never intended for any of this to happen.

Sally has written 81 articles for us.

32 Comments

  3. This is incredible (got Pfizer, partner got Lockheed Martin) and also taught me the horrifying fact that Lockheed Martin HAVE. pride floats??? I thought the evil topped out at oil…

  6. This is just beautiful. Sally, your hatred for corporate pride is like a sword I want to slash all these floats to bits with. I vaguely feel like I just participated in a piece of interactive performance art.

    • I also got Wells Fargo and it’s horrifying. Thanks, Sally, for the reminder of what I’m *not* missing out on at this years cancelled parade :)

  9. This is genius Sally. I got Pfizer and the description is really something:

    “You are a company with a 100% HRC equality index rating, riding high on a wave of popularity thanks to Covid-19 vaccines. It’s a good job your float has a giant viagra pill on it, to remind us that you literally are Big Pharma – otherwise we might have forgotten your AIDS drugs profiteering back in the early 2000s!”

    • The first year (I think it was the first year?) that Chipotle had a float in the NYC Pride March they gave out coupons for a free burrito. Every year after that my friends and I hoped for some more free burritos out of them but they never gave out those coupons again.

  13. Sally, this is truly next-level and I love it so much. (I got Wal-mart and am FURIOUS / extremely impressed.)

  15. Pfizer. I’d say “could be worse”, but they’re probably all pretty bad regardless.

  16. I got Skittles which I think means I was doing this wrong. Maybe I should have picked a different Ellen

    (Brilliant work Sally!)

    • While the Ellen roulette undoubtedly played a part in this, I should warn that the Ellens all get shuffled every time the quiz reloads so you can never determine which Ellen is which!!

  18. Ok, it was absolutely wild to see a Peace by Chocolate bar in this quiz! They’re a small business here in Nova Scotia, run by a family of Syrian refugees, and they make amazing chocolate and are very well known and loved across the province! Not exactly my first thought when I think “corporate pride and greed,” but I hope this means they’re getting more widespread publicity :)

    • Oh wow, my wife told me about this company! (she’s from Nova Scotia) and I totally failed to put two-and-two together when I found that picture! D’oh!

      To be honest, I think I was suffering from severe rainbow-induced nausea at that point, but you are right in that they definitely don’t belong here!! It seems highly likely that another company has made some pride-wrapped food in the past couple of weeks, so I’ll see if I can switch them out…

  19. I got skittles! Which were definitely part of many an icebreaker activity at the queer youth summer camp I worked at, so the corporate ness is overlaid with fond memories. Thanks especially for including non alcohol options in the drink section! As a sober person i always feel weird/bad when I have to pick an alcoholic beverage to get my humorous quiz answer.

  21. This was great. I got Absolut and am teetotal, but for some of the questions I deliberately chose the worst answer or most amusing answer.

Comments are closed.