Welcome to the 30th edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from A+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box because they wanted their questions answered in a space that is not accessible by Google, their mom, their ex, etc. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Previously, we have included such questions in our epic Some Answers to Some Questions You Have Been Asking Us, and in most cases that is still the plan. But some questions were a lot longer or more in-depth and deserved their own place in the sun. Here, the Autostraddle team’s doling out advice on everything from sex and relationships, to friend and family dynamics, career questions, style, and more! We’re doing this column TWICE a month, now.

We solicited answers from the whole team, so let’s dive in!

Q1:

Hi Autostraddle Answering Team,

I need some advice around changing my perception that I am doing most of the work in ‘reaching out’ to my friends.

A bit of background. Like most people, I’m currently feeling pretty isolated. I’m single, and I live alone in a studio apartment. I haven’t felt comfortable setting up a ‘pandemic pod’ since I only recently left a job where I had to work in person and could not quarantine unless I had a confirmed COVID case. Therefore, I’ve had to rely more than usual on virtual means of communication. Said reliance has re-brought a different issue to my attention.

I often feel like I bear most of if not all of the responsibility of initiating communication with most of my friends. Aside from one or two people who I am particularly close with, I feel like I could go days, perhaps weeks, without anyone who is not related to me even sending me a brief message. I often struggle with this feeling, believing that this ‘lack of attention’ is a sign my friends do not care about me or that I am a burden in some way, which leads to me withdrawing. Thus a vicious cycle forms.

Here’s my problem: I’m fairly certain my perception is false. I attend a regular, virtual DnD group made up of friends from undergraduate. I can reliably hang out with said friends in the evenings outside of sessions. And other friends do start conversations with me on a regular basis. Additionally, my perception that I’m the only one doing the work feels ultimately selfish to me because I am assuming several things. Said assumptions include but not limited to the idea that I do initiate communication first or that other people are mind readers who will jump to meet my needs without the slightest provocation.

All that is to say is that my question is: how do I undo my wrong assumption? Should I voice this need for ‘more’ initiation some way? Is this really a sign that I’m craving a different kind of conversation, perhaps more ‘serious’ or ‘deeper’? And what are ways that I can appreciate living alone? Thank you for your time and care.

A:

Kayla: So first of all, I think it’s really great that you’re identifying that your perception of the situation might be off. That’s a great start! Changing it is going to be hard though—I won’t lie! Here are some things that you should remind yourself of: 1. People communicate differently and have different communication needs. Even before the pandemic, there are just certain people who don’t necessarily initiate conversation and aren’t great at returning texts. It happens! I think reminding yourself that this is not a reflection of YOU but rather just the way certain people handle ALL communication can be helpful. 2. People’s communication patterns have been deeply affected by the pandemic. So even people who WERE the ones to take initiative or always answer a text might no longer be that way. Maintaining friendships is reeeealllyyyy hard during all this. To use myself as an example, I am someone who has always had long-distance friendships (shoutout to tumblr) so I was seemingly set up to be GREAT at pandemic-style socializing/connecting with friends, but I’ve been…decidedly not great at it! It just feels inexplicably harder during the pandemic. I’m bad at answering texts, starting conversations, following through on hypothetical virtual plans, etc.! And I think a lot of people are experiencing this. I do think that it is worth bringing up with your friends though if it is something you feel like you really need. It’s clear that you understand that your friends not initiating contact isn’t necessarily a reflection of how they feel about you, but I think you can take that one step further and consider the fact that they might not even REALIZE that this imbalance exists. Which is why bringing it up in a gentle and empathetic way could be helpful and could lead to more friends reaching out more regularly. I think reminding them that you live alone could be a good approach.

Himani: Sometimes I find myself stuck in a mental rut around something that I know is an oversimplification of the actual situation, very similar to what you’re describing about this feeling of “being the one who always reaches out” even though your letter indicates a lot of self-awareness around how that’s only true to some extent. One thing I’ve found helpful in breaking that kind of rut is to journal out my thoughts, no matter how unkind or ungenerous, just to allow them to run their course rather than letting them spin and simmer in my brain. This is an exercise I often have to repeat (and should do more often than I actually end up doing, but that’s another story), and on certain days, even after going through this process, I find I still can’t let some of the thoughts go. But sometimes, it is really helpful and cathartic.

I also recently downloaded the Headspace app for meditation and one of the meditation courses talks about a technique they call “noting” for use in meditation and also generally throughout the day. The basic idea is that when you find yourself ruminating about something in the past or the future, to simply note that as “thinking” and return to what you’re doing in the present. I’m not really great at doing this, but I’ve found it a helpful exercise to catch myself when I am repeating patterns of thoughts and try to break the focus on that thought with the long-term hope that it breaks some of the patterns (haven’t gotten to that part yet, but it’s a work in progress).

One thing I’ve observed is that, living alone during the pandemic I am… incredibly bored, which means my brain has way too much time to sit and spin and reinforce some of its patterns. And at the same time, somehow, I can barely get myself to sit down and finish reading a book, which is unusual for me (in the before times, I lost myself in books so, so easily). The situation of the pandemic and particularly living alone in the pandemic is not easy by any stretch, so try to keep yourself engaged with activities that interest you so that you’re brain has less time to dwell on thinking about what could’ve or should’ve been. But also, be kind to yourself in these times. I think it’s ok to have ungenerous thoughts, as long as we’re aware they are ungenerous, and we don’t act on those thoughts in unkind ways (i.e. lashing out at people or making unfair demands of others). And, as Kayla suggested, there may be some value in opening up to a few friends about feeling like you need a little more mutual engagement, if you think that could be helpful.

Q2:

Dear Autostraddle, after reading your website for a few years, I have a question for you today. I am in my mid-thirties now and in recent years my life has become much more stable and happy. I know myself a lot better, I have a good job and healthy friendships with really amazing persons. There is however one area which puzzles me sometimes, romantic relationships. I didn’t really put lots of energy in this area for quite some time, as I was busy with other projects and also taking care of myself, and I am very happy with my “single” life (actually I am so used to it I don’t even call myself single), but sometimes I wonder if it wouldn’t be nice to have a deeper connection with another person and share a part of my life with that person, in a relationship where we can both grow. I am not interested in hook-ups or friends with benefits or anything like that- I don’t think it is bad, I just don’t see the interest for me.

I sometimes used dating apps (I don’t like bars even in non-covid times, but I also participated in queer community activities and I am living in a big city) and I met several amazing queer friends online and in real life, but somehow I never met anyone I feel attracted to, even if they are always really amazing people. I like once a year meet a person I am attracted to, which is always an unavailable person, like my boss or something like that and mostly characterwise not even the right person for the kind of relationship I want. I can work on the attraction to unavailable persons and part of it is also that I have been co-dependent I think, but this just leaves me attracted to no-one. I am wondering how to actually be attracted to at least one of all these amazing people I am meeting and that are actually available and that I am really connecting to on platonic level. I also think I am demi-sexual, so in general I need more time to get to know a person to be attracted to them.

I would be really happy if you would have some insights on this.
Thank you

A:

Ro: Attraction is a tricky thing, and it can be especially confusing for those of us who are attracted to people of our same gender. The dreaded “do I want to be them or date them” question plagues so many of us, and the line between friendship and romance can be slippery. It sounds like you already know what’s going on — you might need to get to know someone for a while before you’re attracted to them, and that’s totally ok! It also sounds like you’re super clear on what you want out of a relationship. That definitely whittles down the list of potential partners, but in your case, that’s probably a good thing. You’ll be able to devote your time to people who share your needs and values. So be honest specific about who are and what you want in your dating profiles (Rachel has some great advice in this article). The right people will find out. If you match with someone who piques your interest, go on a few dates with them and give yourself some time for the attraction to build, or spend some time getting to know someone via phone or text before you end up on an IRL date.

That said, there’s still a chance that you’re not experiencing much attraction because you just don’t want to date right now. That’s ok, too! There’s way too much emphasis on romantic relationships in our culture, and no one needs a partner in order to be a whole person. It sounds like you’re happily single and you’re giving yourself the love you need, so if you continue living the single life, that choice is absolutely valid.

Himani: Everyone experiences attraction so differently, so it may be worth reflecting on what it is about the people you are attracted to that makes them attractive to you. But I’ll also share (as someone who also doesn’t experience attraction very often) as I’ve met people through various queer activities and dating apps and whatnot, if the conversation and the relationship remains entirely platonic, then I generally don’t find myself feeling attracted to the person, no matter how much I may genuinely like them. However, if the conversation takes a turn that crosses over the line of friendship, then I may experience attraction, depending on if I am actually attracted to the person. So it’s also possible that you’re meeting amazing people but aren’t attracted to them because the relationship is solidly platonic in nature.

Riese: You might also want to read a little bit about asexuality if you feel like you might be on that spectrum (you mention being demi-sexual) — it could really normalize a lot of the feelings you have. It’s also super rare for me to feel attracted to someone also, and even though I’m not asexual, reading Ace really helped me to articulate and understand that a lot better.

Q3:

I’ve been dating this girl for about four months. Everything is excellent – we have great chemistry, she’s very attractive, she shares a lot of my interests and is respectful of my boundaries, it’s excellent. The thing is, I find myself having trouble getting excited about her? I look forward to talking to her (and seeing her as far as covid makes it safe to do so), but it’s not the butterfly-in-the-stomach, can’t-think-about-anything-else kind of excitement that I’m used to associating with New Relationship Energy. And when my friends ask about her I always reply “she’s good, we’re doing good” and can’t find much else to say, while in past relationships I’d probably drive my friends nuts gushing about my SO.

I don’t see this as a reason to end the relationship, since like I said, everything is great, I guess I’m just confused, and not sure what to make of this lack of giggly, bubbly excitement, and a little worried that if I’m not feeling NRE right now, what’s going to happen 6 months or a year down the line, when we’re really getting used to each other and each other’s flaws? Should I be worried? Should I stop overthinking this? Any insight, even just a “no this is normal” confirmation is appreciated xx

A:

Ro: It’s definitely possible that you’re just not that into this person. Someone can be perfect for you on paper, but sometimes you just don’t feel a spark. But your lack of butterflies could also mean that you’re feeling more confident and secure than you have in the past. When you first enter the dating world, it’s easy to feel absolutely floored that someone else could maybe, possibly think you’re cute and then your neurotransmitters go bananas and every glance from your crush sends you into a panic. Maybe you’ve grown up and chilled out a little, and your body isn’t experiencing dating in the same way.

You’re the only one who knows if the “spark” is there. If this person definitely isn’t bringing excitement into your life, that’s a valid reason to step away from the relationship, even if you can’t quite put it into words. It’s ok to tell someone you’re just not feeling a connection, and it’s kinder to tell them sooner rather than later. You deserve to feel at least a little giddy about someone, and this person deserves someone who will feel giddy about her.

Kayla: I do agree with Ro that it’s possible that this goes either way: You could not be all the way into them or it could just be that you’re feeling more confident and secure than you used to be in relationships. I think the fact that you ended your letter hoping to receive confirmation that this could be normal and not reason to worry though means that you indeed are just feeling safe and secure in this new relationship! Which is a good thing! Look, I get missing those New Relationship Energy endorphins, but they’re temporary anyway! And sometimes they can also be a problem, like when they lead to overlooking a significant other’s red flags. So I don’t think the lack is inherently an issue! I don’t think it’s a bad thing to feel like you’re a little deeper into a relationship with someone from the beginning so long as what you’re feeling feels authentic and healthy and good! It doesn’t sound like you’re having BAD feelings about this person. And so long as it doesn’t start to head in that direction, I think it could be fine!

Q4:

Help. I’m a tomboy femme with too-long covid hair and I don’t know what to do with it. Short version: I’d like suggestions for hair do-dads that will keep my hair up and out of my face and off of my neck that are both sturdy and not too femme.

Longer version. I’m a white genXer with thick, wavy hair that I usually keep short. When the pandemic started, I had a (lightly layered) bi bob that I was looking forward to cutting off for my summer pixie cut. But alas. Now my hair is longer than it’s been in decades, past my collar bone and I HATE IT. It’s less curly than it is when it’s short. I don’t like how I look. I don’t like how annoying it is to have stuff on the back of my neck, making me too hot. I don’t like hair falling in my face. I don’t like well meaning people telling me (via zoom) that I look pretty with long hair.

I’ve been wearing variations of the messy bun because it’s the closest to short hair that I can get right now. I’d like advice for accessories in keeping with my wash and go, no fuss, no nonsense aesthetic. My cheap drug store barrettes and clips keep breaking. Plus they tend to be a little more femme than I am. I like butterflies and sparkles in other people’s hair, but not in mine. I’m not against spending a little more money for something that won’t break and that I’ll actually like but I have no idea where to start looking.

I am also considering getting an undercut to deal with the annoying hair on the back of my neck situation. My spouse has clippers and a stylist friend is willing to walk us through it. But with or without an undercut, I still need something to keep my hair up.

A:

Kayla: I don’t know if this makes you feel any better, but I know a LOT of people are not loving how they look during this pandemic. As for me, my hair is the least healthy it has ever been and has hella split ends, and I’m constantly battling dry scalp!!!! Which is all just to say—even if my situation is different, I totally understand having frustrations like this during the pandemic. I thought of a couple things that might help: I really like how metal wavy headbands look on tomboy-leaning folks, and they also look particularly good with wavy hair. Like these! I can’t really tell from your wording in your letter if you don’t like the feeling of hair on your neck or if you don’t like other things to touch your neck, so if it’s the latter, then you probably won’t like cloth headbands, so an open headband like these metal ones might work better. But if it’s the feeling of hair on the back of your neck that you don’t like but you want something that’s not going to be be too heavy, then a lightweight/sporty cloth headband would be perfect! They make sweat-wicking ones, too, and you can find them in sports stores especially in the tennis section (and it’s something that would be worth paying more for vs. the non-sports versions sold at drugstores). Combo headband and messy bun is a good look, too! If the width of a large headband bothers you though, there are also the thin athletic ones that keep hair in place even better than barrettes.

Q5:

Hey y’all,

I’m lonely, jealous, and wrapped up in pandemic anxiety. My partner and I are both poly; he’s in serious relationships with two other people (like, we’re planning to buy a farm together next year serious) and seeing a new person casually, and I’m only seeing him right now.

Now, obviously he’s only got so many hours in a week, so we usually hang out maybe 2x a week. My problem is — I’m lonely. I miss him. And I think a big part of that is most of my social life is cut off because of covid.

I work and have two housemates, so I feel like it’s unethical/unsafe to try to date casually right now. I miss my partner and I miss having intimacy with other people, but I feel like I can’t– so I’m jealous of this new person and worried because our polycule bubble has gotten really big.

I feel stuck; I can’t soothe my loneliness by seeing more people without being at risk, and I feel jealous/worried about my partner for engaging with a new person. Suggestions on where to go from here?

A:

Ro: It sounds like this is more than a jealousy issue — it’s a safety issue, and your concern about your partner expanding your pandemic pod is 100% valid. Being polyamorous is not an excuse for risky behavior. I’m assuming that you and your partner had a conversation about this before he started dating a new person, but if you’re feeling weird about it now, bring it up with him. Are there precautions he could take that would make you feel safer (like regular testing, quarantining after seeing his new date in person, sticking to virtual dates with his new person, etc.)? Ask for those things. His other partners might be worried about this, too.

On your end, you can still date in safer ways! Outdoor, socially-distant hangouts and Zoom dates will give you some kind of excitement and connection despite the lack of physical touch. You might form some connections that can transition into more traditional dating once you and your pod feel that it’s safe to do so.

It’s hard to watch other people taking risks when we’re trying to be responsible. Remember that being thoughtful about your safety, your roommates’ safety and your partner’s safety is a good thing.

Q6:

Hi Straddlers, long time-first time.

I have a two-pronged problem, and could use some sage Queer Advice.

I’ve been struggling with Knowing What I Want in terms of dating pretty much my entire adult life. (I’m almost 30, and pan/bi but am more comfortable dating other queer people.) This is pervasive and affects all sorts of decisions, ie. monogamous vs poly, whether to continue seeing someone, and even who I feel drawn to. (I use the word “drawn” rather “attracted” because it’s relatively rare that I feel strongly attracted to anyone physically, at least initially.)

It’s certainly possible that I fall more on the demi/gray as of the scale, but my concern is actually more about my general sense of directionlessness, and not knowing how to proceed.

I feel, not apathetic, but ambivalent (there’s a distinction there that I think is important) about many things, and it’s made dating (I’ve done it pretty much exclusively on apps) really overwhelming due to the amount of options and people out there. Most of the time I am totally paralyzed by it, and end up talking to/seeing no one. I am also very anxious and introverted, so perhaps there’s a compounding effect there. I’ve been given the same advice about this this that you’d get about shopping for a car: “Go in knowing what you want!” But that’s the part I’m struggling with.

By contrast, I’m happy to say that I know myself as a person quite well, and have been in therapy for years. I have a broad range of opinions/preferences/whatnot in all the other areas of my life, but have not been able to narrow down what I want/like in terms of relationshipping.

My questions are thus:
How can I figure out what it is I’m looking for? And does everyone secretly feel this way but I’ve overthought it to such a degree that I’m paralyzed by indecision?

Help? Also thank you.
Teetering in Texas

A:

Ro: It’s ok to not know what you’re looking for. Sometimes we need more data before we can clearly state what we want out of a relationship. This is actually an exciting place to be in because you can be open to all kinds of possibilities, so try dating some people! Be up front about the fact that you’re not sure what you want, and pay attention to how you feel as your relationships progress.

If you’re still struggling to determine what you want, sometimes it’s easier to identify what you don’t want. Have you had a hard time dating someone who didn’t share your politics? Then you’re probably looking for a partner who shares your views. Did your frequent sleepovers with your ex make you feel suffocated? Then you probably need someone who’s willing to respect your boundaries and give you space.

Kayla: I don’t necessarily think that the people who have told you to “go in knowing what you want” were giving you BAD advice, because it’s certainly true that if someone knows that they are for sure monogamous, they probably shouldn’t enter into a dating/app situation with a poly person, but I also think that that advice assumes a level of self-knowledge that not everyone has when it comes to relationships! I think your ambivalence is VERY common. And it’s no reason to panic. It’s very reassuring that you feel so confident about other aspects of your life, which suggests that you’ll probably get there with this part of your life, too. It’s normal to still be figuring out relationship needs/wants/styles deep into adulthood. And I think Ro is right on point in saying that it just requires more data a lot of the time! Try things out, and if they don’t work out, it doesn’t mean that you’ve wasted time. It means that you’ve learned more about yourself. This is why I think it’s important that people rethink breakups as opportunities for growth/self-discovery rather than “failures” or a “waste of time.”

Himani: As Ro and Kayla have said, it’s completely fine to not know what you want and that for many of us, we need actual lived experiences to really figure that out. Also, sometimes the things we want change over time, so what felt great one day may not feel that way a few months later. I just want to emphasize Ro’s point about being up front. I think communication is a key part of this because, while I do think you should go out there and explore and find what does and doesn’t feel good, just keep in mind to be honest with the people you’re engaging with along the way. If, for instance, you find yourself connecting more and more with a monogamous person but you also start to realize that monogamy feels inhibiting to you, let that person know sooner rather than later. That doesn’t mean you have to end things, per se, but be transparent as your feelings become clearer. Don’t just fall back on “well, I told you at the beginning I didn’t know what I was looking for” — it needs to be an ongoing conversation. I don’t say this to discourage you from exploring or to add yet one more factor to make the whole thing feel daunting. But I think it’s important to center your feelings while also keeping in perspective that the other person/people involved in the process have feelings too.

Q7:

Hello! I have kind of a large/nebulous question; really any advice would be much appreciated! Short version is: any tips on how to deal with jealousy in a healthy way?

Longer version: a few years ago my ex cheated on me with my now ex-best friend (it sucked!). For a few months before it came out, I had this weird gut feeling that something was off, and felt really jealous of them, but ultimately just gaslit myself into ignoring that feeling.

Now, I am dating a really kind lady and am so much happier. She is close friends with an ex from college (let’s call her Carol), and it is clear they have put in a lot of effort over the years into transitioning their relationship from a romantic to a platonic one. Carol is actually married now to an awesome lady, and she and my gf are really thoughtful about creating good boundaries w/ each other. Basically the dream scenario.

But!! Sometimes I still feel jealous?? Y’know, the usual stuff: this is someone she’s shared a lot of her life with, who knows her in a way I don’t, etc. etc., and what if my gf is secretly still in love with her, what if I’m not as sophisticated or good enough, etc.

Do you have any advice on how to work through jealousy in a mature and healthy way? Carol is a really important person in my girlfriend’s life, and I don’t want to make her feel weird or bad about their friendship. And I really do think that my jealousy is based on my own insecurities rather than reality. But because I was cheated on before, I guess I’m just having a hard time trusting myself and my intuition to tell me that everything is okay. When I feel jealous, I start to worry that maybe that feeling is telling me something important. Like, maybe my gf is secretly in love with her ex! Even though obviously she’s not. How does one go about dealing with jealousy in a healthy way instead of just tamping it down and ignoring it? Any advice is much appreciated! Thanks :)

A:

Ro: Tell your girlfriend how you’ve been feeling. You won’t make her feel “weird or bad” if you say you’ve been feeling insecure about her friendship and want some reassurance. Own the fact that your insecurity is a result of your own history, not your girlfriend’s actions, and she’ll probably be happy to give you the validation you need. Make this a one-time conversation. If you’re asking your girlfriend for reassurance every single time she hangs out with her ex, then you’re asking her to do work that you should be taking on yourself.

On your own, make a list of reasons why you feel safe with your girlfriend and why you trust her. Review this list when the jealousy starts to creep in. It takes time to get out of old relationship patterns and let go of our fears, but it sounds like you’ve cultivated some self-awareness and are headed in the right direction!

Q8:

Hey y’all,

Does anyone have any advice/know of any resources to suss out whether you want kids? More specifically, whether certain thoughts/feelings are signals that you actually *don’t* want kids, or whether they’re just signs that you have a semi-realistic understanding that raising kids isn’t easy?

I’m a 29-year-old cis bi woman. I’ve been single pretty much my whole life, with a couple of 2-4 month situationships. I’ve been contemplating what I want as I consider actually trying to find a long-term relationship or two. I’ve realized in the last couple years that I don’t want to be pregnant. If I were to have kids I want to adopt, unless I had a partner who really wanted to experience pregnancy. I know it would take a while to develop a serious relationship, if it ever happens, but I want to know what I’m looking for in the kids department before getting too far down any paths, yknow?

Here’s where it’s getting muddy. I’ve always assumed I want kids, and there’s a lot about the idea of raising kids that I get excited about. With adoption, I also value the opportunity to care for someone who is already in this world. At the same time, when I contemplate how much harder/scarier my life would be right now if I were also responsible for a young human, I get overwhelmed. I have friends who got pregnant on purpose this year, and my younger brother and his wife are currently trying to do the same and, while I’m happy for them all in the sense that they’re pursuing what they want, putting myself in their shoes fills me with dread.

I’m trying to tease out where this dread is coming from. I think some of it is that I can’t even imagine what it’s like to be in a committed relationship, much less committed enough to co-parent. Some of it’s the fear of pregnancy, which isn’t something I’m planning to do anyway. Some of it’s *definitely* a reaction to how bad things are right now and anxiety about the future. What I can’t pinpoint is whether any of it is actually a sign that I actually don’t want to be a parent after all? I think I’d be a good parent, for what it’s worth, and I can certainly imagine myself experiencing the kind of joy that many parents say they feel about their own kids. But it’s a massive, life-changing commitment, and I want to have at least a reasonable certainty that it’s something I want to do.

Any thoughts would be most appreciated! Love what you all do <3

A:

Himani: I don’t have a great resource for you or framework for thinking about this, but I did see an article related to this on NPR recently that I’ll share in case it’s useful. And, there were a couple of things that stood out to me in your letter, that may be helpful areas for you to reflect on further (possibly with a therapist, if that’s available to you?)

I think you’re right to acknowledge that some of your dread is tied to how dire things are right now. At the same time, while this pandemic will end (some day), the climate crisis is well underway, and I think it is reasonable to spend some time reflecting on whether you could be a parent through another pandemic, the ravages of wildfires or hurricanes or tornadoes or in a time of water scarcity. Perhaps that is extreme, but I think not enough people are sufficiently considering those realities as they make plans for the future. That isn’t to say you shouldn’t be a parent — I’m just saying, be honest about the state of the world we live in and how that shapes the way you think about yourself as a parent in that world.

This statement also stood out to me from your letter: “I can’t even imagine what it’s like to be in a committed relationship, much less committed enough to co-parent.” I think that as a society we need to decouple relationships and parenting, to some extent: there are tons of incredible single parents, though I know it’s by no means easy to be a single parent. But I’m saying this in part because it may be worth trying to separate out whether you can see yourself in a committed relationship and whether you can see yourself as a parent. If you can more clearly see yourself as a parent but the committed relationship feels more uncertain or even undesirable, then don’t let the relationship stand in the way of being a parent.

Beyond that, the only other thing I can offer is to make sure you’re sufficiently clear on all the incredibly difficult, terrible parts of parenting. You say: “I can certainly imagine myself experiencing the kind of joy that many parents say they feel about their own kids” but can you imagine how you will feel when a child says or does any number of absurd or shocking or cruel things that you have to navigate with patience, steadfastness and kindness? If you haven’t already, have some honest conversations with people who are parenting kids of all different ages to make sure you’re clear on all sides of the bargain of parenting.

Q9:

I am a college senior and I share an apartment with my best friend. Last semester I belittled her anxieties about the future in a really cruel way. I apologized, we had a painful discussion and then did not talk for a couple weeks. However, I thought we had moved to a better place by now. I have been trying hard to be a better friend. Last night she got drunk and asked me to sit with her before bed. She told me she is still angry about what I said, and cannot understand how I could say something awful so easily. She then said that I have never seen her as a real person and she doesn’t want to have to hide parts of herself in a friendship. I do think I see her as a real person, but that isn’t really something I can argue. I don’t think my cruel comment was part of a wider pattern, but I know abusers don’t normally think of themselves as abusers. In terms of facing things that are normally hidden, I found her after a suicide attempt last year. We talked almost every day when she was in the psych ward. She had a really horrible childhood, so I am worried I am accidentally recreating dynamics that existed in her past. I don’t know what to do now. Do I ask her to let me try to be a better friend? Do I just move home? Any help appreciated.

A:

Ro: It sounds like you’re willing to think deeply about your past behavior and take steps towards personal growth and resolution, but you don’t get to choose how the harm you caused gets resolved — your friend gets to decide, so ask her what she wants. Are there things other than last semester’s conflict that have affected how she feels with you? Does she need space from you? Does she want someone else to mediate a conversation between the two of you? Are there things you could do that would restore the foundation of your relationship? If what you said to her brought up memories of her past trauma, she might not be ready to answer those questions. If that’s the cast, offer to give her some space and let her know that you’re available if and when she’s ready to have that conversation.

Himani: Adding to what Ro said, if your friend said that you “have never seen her as a real person” then it does seem that some of the conflict goes beyond the incident last semester, and you may need to spend more time reflecting on that. If your friend is open to discussing this more, it may be helpful to see if she wants to expand on that. (But if it’s clear that she doesn’t want to talk about it, absolutely give her the space she needs.) I also want to push you a little bit on your framing that you are “facing things that are normally hidden” because you were there for her during an acute mental health crisis. I don’t mean, in any way, to diminish the value and support you provided your friend during that time. But that also doesn’t negate that if you belittled her for her anxieties about the future, she may feel uncomfortable talking to you about those anxieties, despite the support you had previously provided her. I don’t know the situation fully, of course, but to me those feel like two separate things, and, perhaps, if you view them separately as well it may give you a little more insight into where your friend is coming from.

Q10:

Any advice on finding a therapist who is fat-positive or at least fat-neutral? For context, I’ve never had a therapist before, and I’m not exactly fat / don’t really get perceived as fat, but this is something that I need in order to feel like the therapist shares my values, in the same way that I’m cis but still want a therapist who is trans-affirming. I see a lot of therapist listings/websites saying they’re “LGBTQ-affirming,” but no one says “fat-affirming,” so it feels like there isn’t an easy way to ask. I also see some therapist listings that say they’re experienced with “body image issues,” I wonder if that’s a decent proxy for fat-positive? I don’t have a history of eating disorders or anything, I just want someone who will get how lonely it is to be surrounded by people who constantly talk about calories and weight loss and how “bad” they’re being for eating half of a plain, dry bagel.

A:

Ro: If you’re struggling to find a therapist who describes their work as “fat-positive,” look for a therapist who lists “health at every size (HAES)” as one of their areas of interest. HAES goes a step further than the “positive body image” framework by rejecting the idea that weight, size, or BMI determine our health. HAES therapy practitioners acknowledge the harms of “wellness” culture and help their clients feel safe, comfortable and strong in their bodies. I saw a HAES therapist for a while when I was recovering from an eating disorder, and she validated the hell out of my rage towards patriarchy and diet culture. If you want to learn more about HAES, I highly recommend the Food Psych podcast, which features badass interviews with people who have empowering, radical ideas about body size.

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