Welcome to the 20th edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer advice questions from A+ members who submitted their questions into our A+ ask box because they wanted their questions answered in a space that is not accessible by Google, their mom, their ex, etc. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Previously, we have included such questions in our epic Some Answers to Some Questions You Have Been Asking Us, and in most cases that is still the plan. But some questions were a lot longer or more in-depth and deserved their own place in the sun. We’re doing this column TWICE a month, now.

We solicited answers from the whole team, so let’s dive in!

Q1:

After a horrible year of living alone, I recently moved in with three other queer women (a close friend and her previous two roommates), which I thought would be great. However, as it would turn out, my friend’s girlfriend is over every other night and the other two roommates are dating each other. With how close the four are, I always feel like the fifth wheel to a bunch of double dates, and to make matters worse, it’s happening during a time when I’m reckoning with my CPTSD and its role in my romantic dysfunction/perpetual singleness. I’m frustrated at them for being all lovey dovey all the time and feeling like I can’t get away from it (especially at night), but I’m exponentially more frustrated with myself for being frustrated with them. They’re good people in mutually healing, loving relationships, so I’d feel like a shitheel asking them to tiptoe around me just for my sake (especially when they’d then try overtly hard to include me out of pity), but I’m also finding myself actively disassociating at the dinner table or cloistering myself in my room all the time. I’m already seeing a shrink for the bigger picture of my CPTSD, so the question is how in the world do I put up with this pseudo-polycule?

A:

Malic: It makes sense that you’re feeling frustrated! I briefly lived with a couple, and every time I came home, I felt like I was busting in on their date. I felt like I didn’t get to share the common areas, so I holed up in my room until I found another place to live. Sure, it’s important to honor your roommates’ relationships, but in this case, there are some reasonable adjustments you can ask for.

First, you agreed to live with three roommates, not four. It’s ok to ask your roommate to spend their couple time at their girlfriend’s place more often, especially if their girlfriend is eating your shared food, using up all the hot water in the shower, or overusing other shared resources that are intended for the folks who pay rent. You can’t do much about the roommates who are dating each other, but requesting some regularly scheduled, intentional roommate time (like a weekly game night for just the folks who live there) might create more of a community vibe and less of a couple-y vibe.

Kayla: I agree with Malic that it’s worth having a conversation with the roommate who has a girlfriend who is not technically a member of your household. There might be room for compromise there. But as for the bigger picture, something that’s sticking out to me about your question is this idea of a negative thought pattern. You get frustrated with the roommates and then you get frustrated with yourself for those thoughts. That can be a vicious cycle! And I’m sure you’re working on it with your therapist, but it might help to focus on where the initial frustrations are coming from and allow yourself to FEEL the frustrations instead of immediately punishing yourself for doing so. Giving yourself permission to feel a certain way can sometimes help curb the negative thought patterns and also help you better understand where the feelings specifically stem from, which might make it easier to shift the focus away from your roommates, focus on yourself, and not always see their interactions through the lens of your own relationship history.

Q2:

I was in an on-off-relationship last year (I wrote about that in the void of this very inbox several weeks ago), since, she has reached out which always brought everything up for me again and made me long for an “us”. I addressed this prior to meeting up three weeks ago (first time after 9months), and because yes, the inner intimacy was there, I saw the potential – hello again wish. So I took a somatic therapy session and figured out to be upfront, confessed that -stripped bare from anxiety or defenses- I want us together. As assumed, this is not the case for her (she does not see us as a couple and claims we would be unhappy together), so I inevitably had to ask her not to reach out again. because I need to move on!! ouf. I know it’s for my best, practically nothing has changed, but it sure is hard to know that she is now forever gone. My idea was that everything is clear now (I told my truth, I got the “no”, now get over it! I need to let go of the potential and face reality!), and I decided and we agreed not to press the “why”, because it doesn’t matter / wouldn’t change anything — but obviously it still haunts me.

If it’s not due to faults I have (she said so) – why would she not want to be in a relationship with me, this is such a mindfuck, because at the same time she seems to frequently think of me, misses my face (why else would she reach out), is sad after us meeting/parting (I failed to ask why, but assume it is bec of the impossibility of being), likes me a lot, thinks I’m hot, smart, etc, I do great stuff, am vulnerable but also strong+muddle through, and she has said she is a person who wants to be in a committed relationship (contradictory to what we had) i feel like it’s she decided maybe back last spring,leading to the first breakup, that she doesn’t see us as a couple, and never revised this decision??! but still went through iterations of together, labled-affair-but-acting-like-together, amically reaching out. (I did talk about my side, but always failed to inquire in-depth, because she never went deeper and I may have not wanted to threaten the precious connection) someone said that maybe she liked me but not loved me. but: what is love?? I really don’t know, but would think that she shows/showed loads of cues, but of course it requires willingness!? and if not even she liked/loved me well, who else will?? i feel like no matter what I do or am, it’s not enough to be loved. because obviously she wants me – but she doesn’t want me. that’s such a mindfuck.

I know, no one can look into anybody’s head, but maybe… help me figure it out, make sense?!

Yours,
Miserable confused possibly unlovable me.

A:

Malic: I remember this from our last round of advice questions. My answer remains the same. I wish I could tell you why this person doesn’t want to be with you, but I can’t. It sounds like she might not even know that answer. Despite her mixed signals, she’s made it clear that your relationship is over, and you’ve acknowledged that. It’s time to stop ruminating, cut off all contact with this person and let her go. You will never get answers to these questions. Instead of spending your energy trying to change yourself, focus your energy elsewhere. Spend time with yourself. Date other people. You are lovable — you just need to open up space in your life to be loved by people who are not your ex.

Kayla: Yeah, I’m going to echo a lot of what I said before and maybe even be a little firmer: You’re seeking closure that is not really possible. You’re seeking closure that relies on someone else, and that’s not the way it works. You can’t read your ex’s mind or change their mind or get them to tell you what wasn’t working for her in the relationship. You ARE lovable. Just because one relationship does not work out does not mean that you’re doomed. Breakups often do not make sense, and while it can be helpful to do some introspection after the end of a relationship, it sounds like you might be going overboard on trying to “make sense” of the situation. You don’t need to change anything about yourself or hyperfixate on what “went wrong.” Instead, look forward. Open yourself up to new love and new experiences and even to just the idea of being alone without holding onto questions you might never get answers to about your past.

Q3:

I am a dyke in my mid-30s and I’ve recently found myself questioning my gender identity. I’ve finally been brave enough to bring this up with my therapist and am slowly allowing myself to explore this new territory. Unfortunately, this journey is coinciding with some medical stuff that means my gynecologist wants me to start taking birth control. I know gender is more than hormones but the idea of putting estrogen into my body right now is causing me a lot of stress. Am I overthinking this? Any tips for how to talk about this with my gyno? Or any general advice for navigating this?

A:

Malic: This is a totally valid concern to bring up with your gynecologist. I’m not a doctor and I don’t know what kind of medical issue you’re dealing with, but I know that there are plenty of birth control options out there, including some that have very low doses of estrogen. Ask your gyno if low-estrogen birth control would suit your needs or if there’s a way to avoid birth control entirely. If you happen to live near an LGBTQ health center, one of their practitioners might have some creative ideas.

If you end up having to pop some estrogen pills, make sure you’re nurturing your gender identity in other ways during that time. Read books and Autostraddle articles by writers who share your gender experience. Wear clothing that makes you feel like you. Remind yourself that taking birth control is one of the ways you’re taking care of your health.

Q4:

Baby gay here. I began dating my first girlfriend in early February. We met on a dating app and quickly hit it off. We shared many wonderful dates in February and then COVID and shit storm after shit storm hit. Because the shit storms never stopped she ended the relationship after a few months. She no longer had the capacity to be a “good” partner to me. She was being pulled in too many directions and time for me became scarce and nearly non-existent. I didn’t want it to end. I was (in the moment) content with being pushed aside because I had hope that eventually the shit storm would pass and we could continue our journey of partnership. It was a difficult thing to come to terms with. As much as I wanted to be the one to walk alongside her and be a comfort, she wanted to pull away and deal with it alone.

We’ve talked a few times since breaking off the relationship. Each time I’m left with this feeling of want and hope. I want to continue what we started. I have hope for a reconnection. She did ask that if she feels confident enough about being a “good” partner, could she ask me out again. Am I a fool for secretly waiting for that future possibility? I’ve tried putting myself out there again by creating another dating profile, but I just find myself exhausted at the idea of trying to find another connection, when it seemed so easy with her.

Am I a naive baby gay that got too caught up in my first relationship?

(I put good in quotes because I never felt like she was a bad or less than partner, she ended it because she was feeling guilty that she couldn’t show up for me like she could in previous relationships.)

A:

Carolyn: It’s okay to hope that a partner who broke up with you will decide to pursue a relationship with you again, because who among us has not felt that at one time or another? But just because you hope for that sometimes doesn’t mean that it’s worth waiting for, that it will happen, or that you should choose to reconnect if it does.

What I’m seeing from your ex are a few red flags. She broke up with you when shit got real – that’s fair, and it is always good to consider what you have emotional bandwidth for, but shit is unlikely to get less real from this point forward. Even if she did reach out and you did decide to re-engage in a relationship, this history could mean either that you wouldn’t trust her to not do the same thing again, that she might in fact do the same thing again, or both, which isn’t a great foundation for mutual support. (She also sounds pretty insecure, to my reading. Something to think about.)

But the biggest red flag is that “she did ask that if she feels confident enough about being a ‘good’ partner, could she ask me out again.” To me, that seems like a manipulative attempt to shift responsibility for her own actions and insecurity onto circumstance while simultaneously keeping the door between you ajar. You’re not a fool for feeling your feelings about that door, but it might feel a little better to stop sitting around waiting for her and to live your own life instead.

Malic: No one ever forgets their first queer relationship, and it makes sense that you’re sad about it ending, especially when the rest of the world is a constant string of shit storms. Carolyn is right about the red flags in this situation — part of being in a healthy relationship is consistently showing up for each other and caring for each other, even in the most terrible circumstances. Your ex couldn’t do that. That said, your relationship was new at the time (and so was the pandemic), so if you give her a second chance, she might prove to be a solid partner in the long run. But (and this is a very important “but”) I agree with Carolyn that you should NOT wait around for her. If you want to take a break from online dating right now, go for it, but don’t let your feelings for your ex stop you from exploring your newfound identity. This is an exciting time for you, and there are so many queer women out there who can help you learn more about yourself through relationships and friendships. Sometimes it’s helpful to have the context of a new, healthy relationship in order to see the flaws in a previous relationship.

Kayla: I also agree with Carolyn and Malic, especially with some of the red flags Carolyn brought up. The whole “she did ask that if she feels confident enough about being a ‘good’ partner, could she ask me out again” thing is a particular sticking point for me. It just kind of seems like a way for your ex to keep you on the backburner? Maybe it’s not totally intentional on her part, but it does sound like she’s taking advantage of the fact that you ARE somewhat waiting around for her, dangling that hope in front of you. It makes sense that you want to hold onto that hope, and that in and of itself is not an unhealthy or unreasonable want so long as it isn’t becoming obsessive or making you do things you wouldn’t usually do. It sounds like your ex kind of needs to do some work on herself and might not be in the right place for a relationship right now, and you should take that into consideration and either explore other dating options or take a break from dating to figure out what you want in a partner/relationship so that you have more information about your wants/needs heading into the next thing—whether that’s a rekindled relationship with your ex or something else.

Q5:

Hi, beloved AS staff! I am really struggling to figure out if I am in the right relationship for me. I came out as bisexual two years ago, went on dates with a variety of people, and then ended up in a relationship with a straight cis man, coming up on one year together now. He is supportive of my identity, but lately I’ve been having doubts about being in a straight-passing relationship that I feel like defaults to stereotypical gender roles. For example, he’s not very in touch with his feelings and doesn’t share much with me—from deep stuff to even some daily life stuff— but I refuse to be the prying girlfriend trying to get him to open up. As an added twist, I’m not really interested in being physical with him lately, but *think* I can attribute that mostly to my new SSRIs. Finally, I’ve felt a compulsion lately to be more visibly queer and find new avenues for queer community that feels at odds with our relationship. (Shout out to gay TikTok!) Am I just creating a ridiculous fantasy thinking that my problems will all be solved if I was dating a woman or queer person instead? My partner is incredibly kind and supportive and the idea of ending things with him despite my misgivings fills me with dread. But so does the idea of never having a serious relationship with someone more like me.

A:

Rachel: I totally understand where you’re coming from here, and I think you’re being super self-aware in how you’re approaching it! To answer your question very briefly: I wouldn’t say “ridiculous fantasy,” but I do want to gently agree that you aren’t going to find that ‘all your problems are solved’ if you end things with your partner and/or start dating women, nonbinary folks or a queer man. You will absolutely still have problems – however, speaking from experience that I think is shared by some other folks, you may find that you have problems that are those of more fulfilling relationships, or ones that are situational rather than a result of your personalities, or at least aren’t the problem of ‘my boyfriend is sort of emotionally stunted and maybe a little boring.’

I think at the end of the day, this may be less about sexual orientation (not because yours doesn’t matter, but because I think there may be other things also at play here and you’re maybe taking more responsibility for them or pinning them on your sexual orientation when you don’t need to.) As far as what your partner is actually bringing to your life right now, you mention that he’s kind and supportive and ‘supports your sexual orientation’ – those are great things, but to be honest, also kind of baseline ground-floor expectations for a partnership. You don’t mention that other than the emotional disconnect and lack of interest in sex that you’re deliriously happy with him or had planned on being with him forever. I’m really interested in your description of how it feels to imagine breaking up with him – “dread,” a word I associate more with anxiety than with sadness or loss.

What I’m hearing from the sum total of your question is that you’re maybe actually wondering “If there’s nothing technically wrong with my boyfriend, but I’m starting to feel like I could be happier, and my bisexuality is providing a particular window into imagining what that could look like; am I allowed to break up with him?” Yes! You are. You don’t need to scientifically confirm beyond a shadow of a doubt that you can’t possibly be happy with him, or with a man in general, for it to be ok for you to end this relationship. Monogamy culture, compulsory heterosexuality, and internalized misogyny plus internalized biphobia can often combine forces to make us feel like unless a relationship is actively horrible and abusive, we HAVE to stay – especially if it is a partner who’s ‘supportive of our identity,’ as we can feel like that’s something we need to be grateful for or might not get to experience again. But to be honest, it sounds like you’re feeling unfulfilled by this relationship, and that’s all the reason you need – I don’t know for sure if dating someone of a different gender or orientation will feel like a total reset for you, but I think you can probably be happier than you are now!

Q6:

Hi Autostraddle,

This might sound a wee bit pathetic, but fuck it!

Do you have any advice on how to make friends? especially queer friends? particularly right now? I struggled with this before covid and quarantine has just exacerbated things. Plus, the hobbies I used to have (theatre and dancing) aren’t exactly active anymore.

Love y’all.

Sincerely,
lil’ queer

A:

Carolyn: First of all, it is never pathetic to not be sure how to make friends! Adult friendship at any age is a challenge and it’s especially hard right now. Rather than making yourself feel bad for not being inherently good at something none of us know how to do, let go of your self-judgment.

Second of all, my personal recommendation on pandemic new friends is to have (ideally recurring) Zoom events and get your existing friends to invite their friends. Have a regular watch party with a friend or two you do have, and express that you’d love if they brought their friends too. Attend online events and see if you want to connect with anyone there. (Even if you don’t, I personally have found that attending queer events and get-togethers online does a lot more for my sense of community than going to a queer bar alone ever did.)

Malic: I agree with Carolyn! Making friends is hard for all of us, especially as adults and especially during a global pandemic. I’ve had luck with the technique Carolyn described (meeting friends of friends on Zoom), and that’s led to some long-distance correspondence and some socially distant hangouts with people in my own neighborhood who I would have probably never met otherwise. I’ve also made new friends at protests in recent months. I’ve felt instantly connected to those folks because I knew they shared my politics off the bat. If the weather is still nice in your area, there might be socially distant outdoor group events happening (some might even be queer-focused). Search social media to see what’s going on!

Archie: There are definitely ways to make connections with folks during this pandemic! I just went to a virtual dance party hosted by some folks I met on TikTok. I think it’s a struggle to find like-minded folks virtually but it isn’t impossible. Check out some of the virtual events by the HER App as they’re doing a lot right now!

Kayla: Making friends is always hard—especially now! I feel very lucky to have friends that I made on tumblr over a decade ago from all over the country, because when pandemic hit, we were all already used to connecting virtually that it wasn’t as big of a shift for us. And I think now is a great time for making internet friends! Archie mentioned TikTok, but I also find Twitter a really fun place to connect with other queer people (hell, I even met my girlfriend on Twitter). You can find people with similar interests and hobbies as well as people who might live in the same area as you.

Vanessa: Hello! Just want to echo everyone that this is NOT a pathetic question at all! Making friends can be really challenging, and this year has stretched the capacity of every single human I know. That both makes friendship easier and harder right now – a lot of us are looking for deep support systems and leaning into mutual aid and community care deeper than ever before, but at the same time, we are all deeply stressed, sad, overburdened, etc. I think the key here is to be realistic about friendship and also be generous and open to unexpected connections.

If you spend time online, experiment with reaching out to like-minded queer people in your shared online spaces. This can be the Autostraddle comment section, an Instagram post that really resonates with you, Twitter, a virtual event like Carolyn suggested… before the pandemic I often recommended spending your time in spaces that you enjoyed to find other people who also enjoyed those spaces, and that advice honestly still stands, it’s just that the spaces are now virtual.

I read through some of our content on the topic of making friends after reading your question, because I knew we’d written about it before. In my opinion, this advice column from A.E. Osworth in 2016 is still pretty relevant, pandemic-times included, and I think it might be helpful to you. Good luck, friend! You got this.

Q7:

I don’t know if I’ll get a response for this, but I’d appreciate some love and support and maybe even some advice.

Basically, I was dating this girl for just over two months. Things were getting kind of serious; she’d invited me to join her soccer team with all her friends and was taking me along to quiz nights, and was about to meet my friends for the first time and for the next two weeks we had shit planned out. This included her inviting me over so she could cook me dinner and we could watch the sunset and build a blanket fort.

Then her little sister* died.

We both knew it was coming. She had terminal cancer, and about a month ago started going downhill. While they’re not related by blood they’ve known each other her whole life, she was only sixteen, and they were pretty darn close.

So she didn’t come hang out with me and my friends that night, for obvious reasons. Initially she asked if we could have dinner out instead of in, or if we could have ice creams and walk along the water. I basically said… that can wait? How are you and I am SO sorry and do you really need to see me right now?

But she insisted, and I ended up going to her apartment for tea.

Basically, she tried to break up with me. She said it wasn’t fair on me and she wouldn’t be herself and that a clean break was for the best. I just asked how final that was? And if it was coming from a place of “I don’t want to date YOU” or more of a “I need space/don’t want to hurt you.”

We talked for a long time. She admitted to having feelings for me, and eventually we settled on having a break and then revisiting with no guarantees when she’s in a better headspace. I felt sad, but also hopeful when I left.

The next day she tried to set up a phone call, and I said I wasn’t currently in the mental space for it but we could talk in a few weeks? That’s when shit went downhill.

Basically I said I wasn’t comfortable making any decisions while we’re both under such emotional duress. And also while I know she’s in a bad place right now, I really needed her to be more thoughtful with her actions because my feelings matter too.

Now she’s blocked me on everything and I don’t know where I stand. The last thing I said to her was that I wasn’t giving up on this, and that I wanted her to be okay one day and we’d see each other eventually.

…yeah? Right now I’m hurting pretty badly. I’m in a very vulnerable place and abusing my medication to get through my work days, and I don’t really want to make it through.

Here’s the deal. Before indie died, she was a very sweet and supportive partner. She was the one who initiated me spending more and more time with her and her friends, and was really good about splitting bills or paying for things, and we had incredibly clear communication about our boundaries, expectations and needs for this relationship.

But after? She didn’t even tell me “we need to talk.” If I hadn’t been on guard I could have easily read into it as another date and been blindsided by the (attempted?) breakup. Not to mention she trampled all over my boundary of not discussing anything over text.

I don’t discuss things over text because although I’m in stable remission for a serious mental illness, I also know I’m going to live probably the rest of my life a foot away from going over the edge. And for me texting is a massive trigger for many reasons. And before now she was incredible about respecting my boundaries and being really upfront about her intentions. This week she’s been impulsive and thoughtless and has tried so hard to push me away despite the fact that a week ago she was head over heels for me?

And that’s what hurts. When we talked in person I said to her that if she didn’t have feelings for me and didn’t want a relationship with me that we needed to end it right then and I’d be okay with it.

Instead she said that I’m amazing but she’s going to be not herself in grief and doesn’t know what she wants and can’t guarantee anything because she’s hurting so bad.

I’ve had a wide array of advice from all my friends. Some of them are scared of me getting hurt really badly after six months and want me to break it off. And some are supportive of my decision to revisit when we’re both in a better space. My therapist is also on that team because before now what we had was yeah, new, but genuinely very healthy and very good.

Now I don’t know what to do. If I give up on this knowing what we had was so good it will definitely destroy me. But also… the way she’s been this week? And now the fact that she’s gone all the way and blocked me? I have a history of abuse and I feel really uneasy and like I don’t know what is real.

I know she’s not herself right now. She literally said those words to me. And I don’t think she’s usually a hurtful, careless, impulsive person. I want to see what happens. Because I also need the space. I need time to be single and happy and do even more work on myself while she heals.

But also… what she’s done sucks. It really, deeply sucks, and literally overnight she became someone else. What we had was kinda mindblowing. And I’m not saying that from a place of NRE, it wasn’t perfect. But it was good and healthy and fulfilling with great chemistry. In her words, we were on track to becoming something. Now…?

I don’t want to give up. Because even after six months or a year, we’re still going to be compatible in a lot of ways. I’d like to go on a date and see where we’re at. And if it grows it grows, and if it dies? Great! It dies when we’re in a good space and we are ourselves and can truly know it’s the right decision.

Right now she’s shoving everyone in her life away and I got caught up in all that and really hurt. Yeah. I don’t know. I know that reading this back some of y’all are going to say EMBRACE THE BREAKUP. But it doesn’t feel that black and white?

This is long, but thoughts appreciated.

A:

Carolyn: Yep, embrace the break up. It is completely reasonable to wonder how your relationship would have progressed if something hadn’t happened – but something happened, and this is where you are now. If someone is breaking up with you, that’s not a decision you are making together when you’re under emotional distress – that’s their decision. And in case it needs to be said, someone blocking you is not abuse – that’s their decision to protect their emotional bandwidth during what sounds like a very shitty time. It sucks when someone seems like they’re so into you and then they end things anyway, but that’s what’s happening. The best thing to do is to not hold out for her to get in touch with you, and instead focus on supporting your own mental health and on the strong friendships you have in your life.

Malic: Yes. Embrace the breakup. And Carolyn is right that blocking a person on social media is not abuse — it’s a form of self protection when someone is hurting. 

I hear that you’re hurting, too. Breakups can be devastating, especially when a relationship ends suddenly, but your ex doesn’t have the capacity to walk you through your feelings right now, nor should she. Sure, she’s still responsible for her behavior even though she lost a sibling, but for now, give her a break and let her focus on herself while you focus on you.

Kayla: Blocking is definitely not abuse. Even pushing you away is not inherently abuse. You have to let your ex grieve the way she wants to grieve, and then you need to, yes, embrace the breakup and grieve the relationship in a healthy way instead of getting stuck on what-ifs and hypothetical futures and reading too much into any interactions you’ve had with your ex since she suffered this major loss. I think you need space from her, and I think she has made it abundantly clear that she needs space from you, and that’s a boundary that you need to respect. Breakups always suck, and I’m sorry you’re going through it. But seek emotional support from your friends and your therapist instead of relying on your ex for any of it right now.

Q8:

Dumped this as a comment on Rachel’s editor’s note about Bi+, but, would really like an answer :)

How is one to be out as bi at work? Having a partner and mentioning their gender usually gets one slated as straight or gay. Mentioning an ex of another gender can be quite contrived or bizarre in a work context (and one can be bi without having to ‘demonstrate’ partnering with multiple genders, as we all know!!!!). As a person in a position of power now, I WANT to be out to represent and advocate, but, it’s sticky.

Most of the time I get assumed to be a lesbian because I’m open about my (female) fiancee, but I do not claim that identity: lesbians have their own specific history and oppression and culture, and I often get assumed as speaking for that identity even though I’m not. Plus, I just want to be recognized for what I am: Bi.

Coming out as bisexual, directly, invites questions like a) “yes but what do you REALLY prefer????” or b) “so you’re sexually available to everyone and therefore also want to sleep with me, right?” or c) “whoa whoa you’re throwing your sexuality in my FACE!”

This extra tricky since I’m in a teaching/mentoring position. For whatever annoying reason, people seem to automatically equate talking about bisexuality with talking about sex/sex life, and in most workplaces (mine DEFINITELY included), conversations about that between bosses and subordinates should be avoided for good reason.

Help a girl out!

A:

Rachel: I hear you; being out as bi at work is difficult for a lot of reasons! I usually haven’t been outside of my current work context, and not because I’ve deliberately chosen not to, but because it requires sharing a level of personal intimacy and knowledge of my actual self outside of my job that I’m generally not available for in workplace environments. It’s a tough call, especially for those of us who are trying to work on good work/life boundaries and limiting the psychological and emotional space of a job in our lives – I also feel the desire to be ~visible~ by being out, but I also don’t think it’s healthy personally or culturally for us to have to share our personal lives and selves in the workplace so freely! I think it’s worth thinking about how much of your actual self you feel good and comfortable about sharing at work, and whether it feels more important to you to be open about your individual bisexuality or whether it would feel ok to make a focus on using your position of power to make your workplace as safe and positive a place as possible for queer and trans folks in general. Is the workplace documentation in language that’s not queer- or trans-affirming? Are the parental leave policies gender essentialist? Is the only all-gender bathroom in a faraway corner of the building that people would have to go on a long sojourn 3x a day to use? Does HR policy have contingencies in place for how to address homophobic, biphobic or transphobic behavior or discrimination? If you’re unionized, is there an LGBTQ+ caucus? Does the employer-provided healthcare cover trans-affirming care, including things related to medical transition or gender-affirming surgery? These are all things you could ask about and try to change, which given how little straight cis people generally give a shit, will likely have the effect of outing you anyway!

As for the other concerns – about being sexualized, asked invasive questions, or losing credibility as a mentor – they’re all very valid! You’re absolutely right, those are things that are possible or even likely to happen. Unfortunately, the reason it’s so valid is because those are habits and beliefs of straight people baked into biphobia; there isn’t a specific way, time, day or hour you can come out that will somehow prevent them, because it’s about straight people, not you; it’s not something you can control. You can control how you respond to those behaviors, and think about how you want to respond if someone asks intrusive or sexualizing questions, or sexually harasses you (making the above q’s about your union or HR policy even more urgent!)

As a very short answer if you were looking for something closer to that: pins, stickers on your door, or a flag in your email signature are as always classic things that other queer folks will absolutely notice and feel validated by and that straight folks will probably see right past (see: the q elsewhere about pronouns in an email signature being ignored).

Q9:

This might be a thing you’ve already linked, in which case sorry if I’ve take up someone’s time when I could have invested my own time in searching the site longer! I put my pronouns (they/them) in my signature at work about a month ago. I only started there post-Covid so never met anyone in person and don’t know anyone very well. It’s a professional business setting, think suits for client meetings and a lot of government contracts, although the company culture in my firm is pretty laid back (as far as I can tell from zoom) and the diversity group has been encouraging pronouns in bios (but everyone I’ve seen with pronouns in their bios the pronoun is he or she and “matches” the name and little headshot for western gender expectations). I haven’t had any conversations with people about my pronouns, and some either haven’t noticed the change in my signature (likely!) or forget/are uncomfortable etc. I haven’t entirely decided what my next steps are, but I do know I want to have a business, professional style explainer that I can easily share to or even link to in my bio. Many things I’ve found have either felt too unprofessional to link to at work (like tumblr or comics or or just generally “fun” fonts or backgrounds), or have been tied to sites that took a political stance (in a way I appreciate but I don’t want to share at work because while the personal is political I want my work approach to my existence to be not up for debate if that makes sense). Basically this is a long winded way of saying I need the hr.gov or Miriam Webster style pronoun explainer. The boring one that puts you to sleep. Times new Roman, only business school words. Maybe it includes things like “leverage” or “uniquely positioned”. It’s probably not that hard to find but honestly? I’m tired. So much of my brain space has gone to just deciding if being even more visibly out felt safe and every time I start searching for a resource I get so pissed off that I feel like I need to. Also if anyone has experience or thoughts on bringing up/correcting their pronouns in this remote Covid world I would love to hear them. I can’t just grab someone in the hall after a meeting or stop by their desk to chat about other things and say oh yeah btw you probably didn’t know this but please use they when you talk about me next time. Emails feel so impersonal and harsh and setting up a call is so official and even chat isn’t super active at my office so it’s not a chill way to correct someone. This has gotten long but thanks for any suggestions and thanks for everything you’ve written about this in the past that has helped me feel more confident in being my full non-binary self.

A:

Malic: You mentioned that emails feel “harsh,” but I think that depends on the tone. A brief, “Hi everyone! I’m just letting you know that I use they/ them pronouns now. Please feel free to contact me if you have questions” is light and easy. When I tell people I use they/ them, I like to include a sentence (something like “Malic left their toolbelt at my house, so they’re waiting for me to bring it back to them”) in case folks don’t know how to use gender neutral pronouns. If you’re committing to explaining “they/them” in with a “boring article,” the Wikipedia entry for “singular they” is straightforward and provides a few examples of proper usage.

Archie: Hello, maybe something like this would be helpful to share? I wrote this before Zoom was a norm that might have some helpful tips as well. It sounds like you could find some allies in the diversity group who might be able to help advocate for you, or help advocate that a training might be needed to HR. I love Malic’s suggestion of just shooting off a quick and direct email. You have already spent ample time and energy thinking/stressing/being frustrated and I think it’s time for some direct communication.

Rachel: I use she/her pronouns, but can attest that friends of mine who have changed their pronouns and/or name in office environments have often done a sort of all-hands update email or asked someone (a friend, a boss, HR) to do one for them that essentially says “for those who weren’t aware, this person is now using these pronouns and/or name, and all communications in the workplace should use those too. Thanks for doing so going forward!” as far as the explainer you mention, here are some examples of things I sometimes link people to outside my immediate field of work:

+ Purdue Online Writing Lab Gendered Pronouns & the Singular They
+ MyPronouns.org: They/Them
+ The Guardian guide to they/them pronouns
+ More a general guide to terminology related to trans identity: the GLAAD Media Reference Guide: Transgender

Vanessa: Lots of good suggestions above! One additional idea: Like Rachel, I also use she/her pronouns, but in my grad school classes and at my teaching job we were asked to put our pronouns in our Zoom names, and multiple friends and co-workers who use they/them pronouns have said they appreciate this and feel it is useful as a reinforcer during classes and meetings. I wonder if this is something your office could implement, especially if they are already supportive of folks adding pronouns to email signatures?

Q10:

Any tips for gender theory texts, esp. by transgender/nonbinary folks? I’m especially struggling right now with something like “woman is a historically significant but unstable category”

A:

Malic: The go-to’s in this case are probably Jack Halberstam and Julia Serano (both are trans academic writers).

Vanessa: I’m also a big fan of Grace Lavery’s work. You can find her on twitter @graceelavery and she writes a newsletter called The Stage Mirror. She also has a memoir coming out in 2022 which I am very excited about!

Q11:

Okay, so I’ve legitimately thought it through, and I do want to get back together with my ex, but we haven’t spoken in months and things ended a little weirdly. How do I go about reaching out and broaching the subject?

A:

Carolyn: You don’t. Move forward with your life.

Malic: If your ex is into the idea, getting back together with them might feel good at first. You get the rush of “new love” feelings, plus the comfort of someone you know well. But the conflicts that ended the relationship initially will ultimately rear their heads, and a second breakup with the same person feels even worse than the first. We’re all living through a pandemic, so we’re all feeling a little nostalgic. Listening to your nostalgia might not be the best idea right now unless you’re very prepared to get hurt.

Kayla: It’s difficult to answer this question without two really important pieces of information: 1. Why the relationship ended in the first place and 2. Where your ex currently stands. You might not know the answer to the second one, and while it’s tempting to reach out and ask your ex where they stand, my gut tells me that if BOTH of you wanted to be together again, you wouldn’t have gone MONTHS without speaking to each other. And to go back to #1: I think Malic is right and the reasons the relationship ended the first time will likely resurface.

Vanessa: Just want to strongly co-sign my brilliant colleagues and say please don’t get back together with your ex!!! You’re welcome!!!

Q12:

I’m poly and moving in with my primary/nesting partner! I’m really excited and we have a great thing going. However, I find myself weirdly shy and embarrassed at the prospect of telling my casual partner about it. We have a great friends-with-benefits thing that’s been going on for about a year, and we have great chemistry. We usually keep the convos light, and I don’t talk much about my other partners with them. Moving in won’t change that much about this great, fun relationship, (I hope…) except I won’t be able to host dates at my house anymore. I can’t figure out why I felt so hesitant to tell them. Am I embarrassed to be “settling down”? Do I fear that they’ll not want to see me anymore, knowing that I live with my nesting partner? I try to be honest with all my partners about everything. Do you have any advice on how to have this conversation?

A:

Carolyn: One of the best parts of poly is feeling like you get to choose your own path in your relationships, rather than being confined to more linear, monogamous expectations. It might be productive to journal to figure out where your feelings are coming from. But in addition to that, it seems possible that the issue is that “moving in with a partner” feels “like something monogamous people do.” You and I both know that you can be as poly as you wanna be regardless of your living situation – but sometimes other people don’t see it that way. I’m guessing some of your hesitation comes not from what you’re doing, but worry about how you’ll be seen.

Malic: I agree with Carolyn — it sounds like you’re excited about moving in with your primary partner, but you’re worried about how your other partner will interpret that choice. Make it clear to your casual partner that this doesn’t change the fact that you’re into them — it only changes the location of your dates. Keep the conversation positive. If you present this decision as if it’s a Big Scary Deal, your casual partner might (reasonably) feel scared. While moving in with a primary partner definitely doesn’t mean you’re no longer poly, prepare yourself for the fact that you might experience some changes in your primary and secondary relationships, and that’s ok. Make sure you’re checking in with yourself and with your other partners so that everyone feels cared for while you work out the kinks in your new way of living.

Vanessa: I totally understand feeling a little hesitant about this. I think Carolyn and Malic are totally right that it might be stemming from a place of feeling nervous about judged or perceived in a way you do not wish to be perceived (ugh, is there anything worse?!) but I also think you might be overthinking how your casual partner will receive this news. Sometimes when I’m dating someone I overcompensate with my actions to make sure I’m not harming them or upsetting them, even if they haven’t asked for me to do [whatever action I’m doing/not doing] and even if they’ve never indicated [that action] would upset them. This comes from a place of people pleasing and also genuine care, but it’s not a great habit. I’d encourage you to allow your casual partner the autonomy of feeling their feelings and reacting the way they want to react without trying to mitigate it too much, for your comfort or for theirs. They may have big feelings about your move or they may not care at all. It may change the way you two interact or it may not. Your only job is to be honest about your own actions and intentions, continue to uphold the boundaries and honesty you’ve established with all your partners, and to allow everyone else to do the same.

Q13:

I feel like you have answered a similar question before, but I can’t find it so I am asking again! I’m looking for a queer financial advisor and/or credit counselor (preferably a woman or femme) to help me with my finances. I am in a mountain of debt-at this point I don’t even know who I owe and how much, my credit is terrible, and I’m very overwhelmed and can’t see a way out. I really want to fix this, but I can’t do it on my own, but I have so much money shame that I’m reluctant to reach out to anyone for support. Any advice you have for queer, compassionate, non-judgmental help and services would be so appreciated!

A:

Malic: The renowned personal finance expert Suze Orman is a lesbian (!) and has written multiple books about getting out debt and taking charge of your finances. Sometimes her tone can be a little harsh, so if you want slightly kinder queer financial advice, read Bad With Money by the bi writer Gaby Dunn and listen to the Bad With Money podcast! Gaby openly discusses her own journey out of debt and interviews other financial experts who offer straightforward, non-judgemental insight.

Vanessa: First I want to link you to our last A+ Advice Box, because Question #5 in that edition is what I believe you are looking for when you refer to us answering a similar question before. I also want to re-emphasize KaeLyn’s article about debt – How to Deal With Credit Card Debt and Not Totally Ruin Your Life Forever – (and her answer in the A+ Advice Box I just linked to) because it helped me a lot five years ago and continues to be helpful today!

Q14:

Question about jealousy in friendships/creative communities here. I have a friend that is active in the same creative community as me (trying to stay vague). I like this person and respect them, and believe in the work they’re doing. However (and perhaps this is amplified because of everyone being so much more online because of the virus) I have found myself feeling irked by them in the last few months. They ask for a lot of positive reinforcement, support, and express a lot of insecurity, all of which is fine and normal in friendships (imo). They do the same online, which is also fine/normal. I’ve noticed however that they are eager to take my recommendations or referrals but don’t offer the same in return, and that they are not nearly as encouraging when I share my wins or even my insecurities. I sometimes feel worse for sharing because I feel dismissed or like it’s not “big” enough, though I know that’s just my interpretation. I’ve muted them on social media, which has helped, but because we run in the same circles, I see a lot of stuff anyway and it rears up my feelings of annoyance and envy. I know jealousy is my problem, not theirs, and that I should keep focusing on my own stuff… I am doing fine myself, and have work to focus on, and I do not think we are actually “competing” in the big picture. But I can’t help but feel sort of drained by this friend, and even a bit bitter and used. Can anyone share some feedback that might help me get over these feelings? I don’t want to be a bitter person or friend, and I don’t like having nasty feelings toward good people.. for some reason, I just can’t shake this.

A:

Malic: It doesn’t sound like this person is truly a “friend” — they sound more like a colleague. Sharing resources with colleagues is great, but you certainly don’t have to, especially when they’re taking more than they give. So stop giving.

I know that using social media is often necessary for creative work, but if possible, take a break from social media (or from at least one of your social media platforms) for a while. One of the hardest parts about working in a creative field is that our work often requires affirmation from others in order for us to get paid, and so many opportunities pass us by. That’s why you need to practice affirming the shit out of yourself and your work. Find value in yourself BY yourself. Journal about your accomplishments. Look back on your older creative work and see how far you’ve come. I once had a therapist who advised me to literally pat myself on the back when I felt proud of something, and the physical act helped me acknowledge my hard work, even when it felt silly.

Archie: Share your accomplishments with the folks who are gonna care and be as excited about them as you! You mention being in the same creative community as this person, who are the other folks in this community and can you start more direct communication with them? I have found it helpful to start critique groups with folks as a way to gather encouragement and share successes in a way that feels more personal than sharing directly to the void of the internet. As a creative person, I keep myself grounded by asking: what does success look like for me? What personal goals am I aiming for? Who is going to celebrate my wins with me? How best can I support others in their successes? How can I continue to forge an interesting artistic community that reflects my values? Hope this is helpful!

Vanessa: First of all I’d like to commend you, because you sound extremely on top of your shit and very self-aware about your emotions and how emotions in general work, so good job! Second of all, I’m thrilled that you muted this person because that was going to be my first piece of advice! I love muting people on social media – you truly don’t even need to have a major problem with someone, it’s just a situation where if their social media presence makes you feel bad, you don’t have to engage with it! I once saw someone (a creative) joke that he totally understood if his friends muted his social media pages because for him it’s “work” and he realizes a lot of friends don’t want to visit us at our jobs. He was like “I would way rather a friend continue to like me and mute my social media/work stuff than actively start disliking me because my social media/work is making them resent me!” This doesn’t align exactly with what you’re talking about but I do think it’s helpful to always remember that social media is not the full picture, it is not even an accurate portrayal of a portion of the picture… everyone uses social media differently and we can’t begin to try to understand how everyone else is using it or we will all be lost to sea. Which is a long way of saying: try to stay off social media when it feels bad! I know you probably need/like to use it for work, but see if there are some boundaries you can put in place that will help manage your overall usage, not just muting this one specific person. And finally, thirdly (is thirdly a word?), to get to your big question at the end, what are some things you can do? Focus on yourself and your work! I know you speak to that in the question a little bit, but really dive deep. You write, “I am doing fine myself, and have work to focus on,” but what if you had work you were excited about? What if you dive into a project that keeps you up at night it’s so thrilling? What if you set aside time every day to be disciplined about creating your work, even on days when you don’t feel like it, to strengthen those muscles? The truth is, it’s okay to have less than positive feelings toward “good people.” We are all human. You can’t really eradicate the way you feel about things, but you don’t have to let those feelings guide you or define you. You do not have to be a bitter person simply because this one human is making you jealous. Accept those emotions, make some small space for them, and then move on to focus on yourself and your own creative work. For me personally, 10 times outta 10 when I’m feeling jealous about someone else it’s because I’m not putting enough energy into my own work. As soon as I start producing, I notice I don’t have time for the jealousy and even if it doesn’t completely disappear, it just no longer becomes a priority. Make yourself and your work your number one priority!

Q15:

In reflecting on a very long, serious relationship with an ex, I keep circling around something she did that I can’t quite understand and we’re not in touch, so I can’t ask her for clarity. Am curious if anyone can shed insight, or if this is maybe common in queer relationships or etc…

Over the years, my partner and I were very, very close and spent almost all of our time together (lived together, socially, time off, etc). That’s a recipe for codependency, as I see now of course. When it came to social things, my partner often prioritized other people over me, even though I was usually included… It would be as simple as knowing I wanted to try XYZ restaurant that night, but then asking the friend where they wanted to go, not telling them what I had in mind, and then expecting me to just go along with it when we went to that other place. Admittedly, that’s low stakes and seems petty to care about, but it became a very common trend… Or we went out to dinner and they knew I was worried about money (we shared finances), but still they offered to pick up the cost of a cocktail for an acquaintance, even though I wasn’t drinking to save money, which they knew. Or we went to a museum or bookstore I was excited about, but they had a friend choose where we went or what they looked at while there, instead of checking in with me or including me in the decision making at the moment… Some friends even picked up on this, asking things like, “Oh, isn’t this XYZ’s thing?” Or “Is this Ok with you too, XYZ?” Which is kind and obviously none of this is their fault. Overall, these are all small things, but looking back I can never wrap my head around it. People-pleasing perhaps? I think what became hard is they were sometimes critical of me in social situations (why I was quiet, or why I wasn’t friendlier, or people would later ask if I was “ok” because I seemed off, etc) and while some of it is certainly on me/my personality/my reactions are my own responsibility, looking back, I think I sometimes felt abandoned or just thrown off because of how things changed, like I was the lowest priority. I also realize that speaking up more was on me, but at the time, I felt reluctant to cause conflict over it, and didn’t want her to become mad or frustrated with me for being difficult.

Can anyone relate or make sense of this? I’ve tried Googling and going through advice stuff online but nothing seems to quite click. Thank you for any insight!

A:

Malic: It sounds like your weren’t dealing with codependency — it sounds like you were dealing with enmeshment. Your partner took your needs for granted and assumed that you would be at the whim of their needs or their friends’ needs. You probably went along with these practices in order to avoid conflict. To avoid these kinds of relationships in the future, make sure that your relationships include healthy boundaries, taking time for yourself and self-advocacy.

Kayla: I agree with Malic, and it sounds like there were not great boundaries in your relationship. Sometimes, that can happen really gradually which makes it harder to notice until you have some distance from it (like you do now post-relationship). Sometimes people will treat their partners badly (in small or large ways) just because they CAN. Your ex likely knew she could get away with prioritizing other friends (which yes does sound like a compulsive people-pleasing thing) over you and at the end of the day you’d still be there for her and wouldn’t push back on the behavior. Be clear about boundaries in future relationships and if you see someone start to treat you this way, bring it up and voice your needs.

Vanessa: This sounds really frustrating and would have made me feel really sad, and I’m sorry you experienced it. One thing I want to encourage is to let go of the idea that you might get to the root of why your ex did these things — I think it’s great that you’re not in touch (boundaries after a break up are a very good thing!) and honestly, I bet even if you were in touch and you asked her, she might not have a satisfactory answer for you. As Kayla pointed out, it could simply be that she wanted to prioritize others so she did. It could just be that she was careless. She might not have realized her own pattern. We will never know, and while that’s very frustrating, it’s also okay. My therapist is constantly gently pushing me not to pathologize everything, and I think about that a lot when answering advice questions. We all want to be able to organize human behavior into categories and patterns that we recognize so that we don’t repeat mistakes, can break bad habits, and ideally can treat those around us with care and compassion, even more so the next time around. But not all bad behavior or shitty relationship habits fall neatly into a box — sometimes people just behave badly. You did not do anything wrong, but I do think a good practice in any future relationships (including friendships, work relationships, etc) is to make sure you are in tune with your own wants and needs, and then check in with yourself every so often to see if they are being met. If someone consistently does not prioritize you, your wants, your desires, your comfort, etc you are absolutely allowed to create a boundary in that relationship (maybe that means a breakup or maybe it’s something smaller, like, “I’d like separate checks when we go out for dinner because I’m really focused on budgeting right now, thank you for understanding!”) that makes it so that you are in control of what happens to you in that specific instance. This is something you can do without ever getting to the bottom of why your ex behaved the way she did, which I hope makes you feel empowered and ready to grant yourself the closure that another human will never be able to give you.

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