Welcome to the 11^th edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer advice questions from A+ members who submitted their questions into our A+ ask box because they wanted their questions answered in a space that is not accessible by Google, their mom, their ex, etc. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Previously, we have included such questions in our epic Some Answers to Some Questions You Have Been Asking Us, and in most cases that is still the plan. But some questions were a lot longer or more in-depth and deserved their own place in the sun. We’re doing this column bi-monthly.

We solicited answers from the whole team, so let’s dive in!

---

Q1:

When did you all discover that you were tops / bottoms and have opinions about it? I’m in my mid-30s and I feel like I just started to understand where I fall here.

A:

Malic: I had an idea that I was a top before I’d even had sex. Most of my sexual fantasies involved giving pleasure to someone else, and when I was finally doing it for real (in a bunk bed at art camp) and made a girl orgasm for the first time, I felt like a tiny gay superhero.

I liked topping so much that I had a hard time receiving pleasure in my teens and early 20s. Eventually, I found that I was using “BUT I’M A TOP!!!” as an excuse to avoid the kind of sex that roused my body dysmorphia. After going to therapy and experimenting with trusted partners, I’m much more comfortable with receiving pleasure and can proudly say that when it comes to sex, I’m a little on the switchy side (but when it comes to BDSM and power play, I’m still a Top with a capital T).

Please take all the words I’m using with a grain of salt. There’s a lot pressure in the queer community to put a word on every single aspcet of your sexual idenity, and those words can be limiting. Instead of focusing on what you should call yourself, focus on what feels good and take time to experiment with sexual partners or just with yourself. Plus, sexuality is ever-evolving, so what you like five years from now might be totally different from what you’re into today.

KaeLyn: I first heard about the idea of tops and bottoms in a strictly kinky sense when I was coming out in the early aughts. The idea of non-kinky top/bottom stuff was more of a gay men thing as far as I understood it back then.

I figured out that I’m more bottom-orientated than top-orientated by reading different types of erotica and figuring out what turned me on, as well as experimenting with my partners around different types of kinks. You just know when you know. In a kinky sense, I’m pretty much only a bottom. I’m an ineffective top.

However, in a non-kinky sense, I’m more of a switch and that identity has fluctuated over time. I’ve felt really strong orientations in different positions (pun intended) at different times with different partners. How I identify tends to correlate with how I feel most safe, which depends on the relationship and the person. I definitely want to be sure my partner is satisfied and that everyone feels good, so sometimes that means I’m more service-y and sometimes that means I’m a pillow princess and sometimes that means we split things 50/50. (Ok, more like 40/60.)

Q2:

I have a serious psychiatric disability (schizophrenia) and just got dumped because of it. For the third time in a row. It especially hurts because the woman who dumped me is a licensed psychologist who was very open with me about her own mental health. Any advice for moving on/being better about this? Should I just not tell the people I date and hide any issues that come up, the same way I do at work/with my family? I really want to be open about a huge part of my health and life, but it seems to freak people out.

A:

Malic: I’m so sorry that you were dumped by someone you trusted. I completely understand the impulse to hide your psychiatric disability from future partners, but hiding the truth of our mental health can be exhausting and even damaging. We focus on concealing what’s really going on instead of putting that energy into taking care of ourselves

I experience depression and am in recovery from an eating disorder, and a partner broke up with me because of how those issues were impacting her and our relationship. I had a hard time being honest about my mental health after that, but I’ve figured out that transparency is what’s best for my stability. The most important things for me have been building a support system outside of my relationship and reassuring my partner that while I still have shitty days, I have tools in place to take care of myself. Sometimes telling someone else, “I’ve been dealing with this for a long time and I know how to handle it,” helps me believe in myself a little more.

Al(aina): First, I’m super sorry you were dumped because of your disability. It’s shitty. I hate it for you and I’m feeling all those sad feelings with you. I got diagnosed with borderline personality disorder last year, and so I’m feeling especially close to you and your feelings. There are certain mental illnesses that we as a society have gotten to a point where we can talk about them and normalize them, and then there are the ones like BPD and schizophrenia that constantly seem to scare people away. I’ve had people say “oh you know how manipulative people with BPD are…” very casually and truly–what the fuck??? You asked for advice on “being better” and the thing is I don’t think you need to be better or necessarily do anything different. I think people have baggage about our specific sort of disability that they need to get over.

And while I don’t want you hiding issues that come up, I also don’t think you need to get emotionally naked in front of any/everyone you date right away. If you’re working with a good therapist and psychiatrist, have a good group therapy you participate in, are killing your DBT…don’t feel like you need to “come out” as schizophrenic to everyone you date! I think it’s totally fine to be general when you talk about your disability and to only get into specifics as you get more comfortable. I don’t think it’s lying to not disclose an extremely personal part of you that is loaded with preconceived notions before a person has the time to get to know you outside of (whatever that means) your disability. To me, that doesn’t feel like hiding or lying, and it also doesn’t mean you can’t ask the people you’re dating for support! It just means you don’t give yourself fully to a person until you know they can (and want to) hold you fully.

Q3:

Hi, I would like to know if there are any good marriage counseling/advice books geared towards queer people? My wife and I just got married, and want to keep our relationship healthy, but are tired of all the hetero advice books that mostly rely on gender norms etc. Thanks! Love you all!

A:

KaeLyn: I haven’t read any of these books, so keep that in mind. However, there do seem to be a few highly rated advice books geared towards gay and lesbian couples. That said, I don’t know if you identify as lesbians. I can’t find a more inclusive book, so here’s what I did find.

• Permanent Partners: Building Gay & Lesbian Relationships That Last by Dr. Betty Berzon
• Conscious Lesbian Dating & Love: A Roadmap to Finding the Right Partner and Creating the Relationship of your Dreams by Dr. Ruth Schwartz and Dr. Michelle Murrain (They’re “life partners” of 14 years.)
• Working It Out: A Lesbian Relationship Primer by Dr. Frances Fuchs
• Lesbian Marriage: A Love & Sex Forever Kit by Dr. Kim Chernin and Dr. Renate Stendhal

Hope this helps!

Rachel: You might like checking out this post from Casey!

Q4:

Hello,

I have been considering writing here for a while but never really getting the nerve to, especially if someone reads this and recognises me.

I need your advice/help/enlightenment.

I have been sexually active for over a decade (mostly women).
But here is the thing… I don’t think I have ever had an orgasm. With or without a partner. And I think I don’t know because when you have been faking it for so long, how do you even know the difference anymore?
I also don’t masturbate, ever. It brings me no pleasure at all.
I do have a sex drive. I am mostly a top anyway, and getting touched by someone elae usually feels nice enough, but lately this aspect of my sex life has been bumming me out and my libido has crashed.

… help, please. What should I do?

A:

Malic: A person’s libido can ebb and flow over time. Sometimes a crash in libido is due to hormonal changes or side effects of prescription medication or recreational drugs. If you’re concerned that your recent libido dip is physiological, check in with a doctor.

Regarding orgasms: I work at a sex toy store and teach sex ed for adults. I’ve encountered many sexually active adults who have never had an orgasm and are afraid they won’t recognize an orgasm when it happens, so I find myself describing orgasms pretty frequently. Our bodies are capable of having different kinds of orgasms, so they don’t always feel the same. An orgasm might feel like pulsing or contractions in your pelvic area; tingles in your head, hands, feet or entire body; a wave of warmth starting in your pelvis and moving up your body or the drop on a roller coaster. When it’s happening, you know it’s happening.

Masturbation is the best way to learn what your body needs in order to reach orgasm, but you said it gives you “no pleasure at all.” Have you tried masturbating in different ways or in different positions? Most folks have a certain position, rhythm or tool that works for them, and it can take some experimenting to figure that out. Some folks can only get off by using a vibrator or humping a pillow or thinking about a very specific sexual fantasy. Porn (especially independently made queer porn!) is full of ideas!

You also mentioned that you’re “mostly a top.” If you get pleasure out of your partner’s pleasure, mutual masturbation or touching yourself while you’re touching your partner might be a great way to get the orgasm juices flowing.

KaeLyn: Malic’s tips are right on. A hot take from me, a person who loves orgasms. It’s OK if you don’t care that much about having an orgasm. Like, if it’s causing you anxiety because you really want to have one and you haven’t, then by all means keep learning and exploring. If you feel some sort of queer culture dyke pressure to deliver orgasms for your partner—you mention “faking it” for your sexual partners in your question—then I just want to say that it’s OK to not want or have an orgasm. Maybe that’s not part of how you experience sexuality or it’s something you only want once in a while and that’s normal and fine, too. That’s all! By all means take Malic’s good advice to figure out how to have orgasms. Also, it’s great if that isn’t something that interests you. You’re still queer and hot and there’s nothing wrong with getting off on pleasing a partner more than getting yourself off.

Q5:

My girlfriend broke up with me a few days ago. We agreed we still want to be friends but for now I am in abject misery.
How do I press through this?

A:

Malic: Breakups are brutal, and sometimes committing to being friends can make it even more challenging. First, I hope you know that you don’t have to be friends with your ex if it makes the breakup harder. You can also take a break from seeing them and try to be buds once you’ve had some space.

The feelings you’re experiencing right now won’t last forever, but there are definitely some action steps you can take to move through them a little more easily. Get out of your comfort zone! Get out of town for a bit if you can, even if it’s just for the day. Learn a new skill. Go to karaoke by yourself and give zero fucks about missing the high notes. Finally clean out your closet. Bake an elaborate cake for your friends.

The best part about breaking up is the part where you get to reframe who you are outside of your relationship. Take this as an opportunity to reinvent yourself and become more “you.” Once you’re on the other side of grief, you might feel more empowered.

Bailey: This is probably the worst advice coming from someone who is not friends with any exes but space is always a good thing in any situation. Take some time to yourself to figure out who you are without that person, what you enjoy, what you want – maybe in a few weeks, months, years (no really) you will want to be friends, maybe you won’t. Give things time.

Al(aina): I will co-sign Bailey’s advice that space is good. And I’m someone who until very recently was friends with all my exes! You are probably feeling totally raw, and it’s fine to lean into your other friendships right now. Things with an ex are going to be different after a breakup, even if you really do want to remain good friends. A good rule of thumb when I’m trying to decide if I’m still wanting to be friends with an ex is if I can see them in public at a function and not be weird. Since we may all be stuck indoors until the fall, this might be easier than usual! But yeah, give it time babe, it’ll be better.

Riese: I stand by this.

Q6:

Here goes… married to man 20 years, studiously ignores elephant in room of absence of crap sex (or any sex) for 12 years in favour of perpetuating the white picket fence routine for my teenage son. You’re on the wrong site, I hear you say… let my guard down totally and utterly (which I NEVER do) with lesbian best friend who after 2 years gets pissed, announces she loves me and tries very hard to get in my knickers. Light bulb moment and I twig why I’m eyeing up boobs at the beach behind my sunglasses. I dont let her even tho I want to…because I think it will go horribly wrong. Two weeks later I get the whole speech about not acting on our mutual besottedness. I end up having to cut her off as constantly being around her breaks my heart. Gone from happy ostrich to life imploded in a matter of weeks. Where do I start unpicking this… I am probably, no most definitely gay and my husband is oblivious.

A:

KaeLyn: First of all, I’m so glad you’re reaching out for support. My question for you is: What do you want? Not what would be easiest or what you think would be best for everyone. Not what your husband wants or your son wants or your best friend wants. What do you want?

I’m going to give you a hint. It’s probably not the “happy ostrich” routine. It sounds like your life has been shaped a lot by what other people expect of you. It also sounds like your best friend is expecting something from you. If you weren’t ready to take that leap, you were 100% right not to. Sometimes that first attraction to someone of the same gender is real, true love. Other times, it’s more a repressed feeling being reflected onto the person who is most directly in front of you. It sounds like you know that you don’t want your husband or your current marriage. It also sounds like you’re not sure about your friend. It’s unfair to your current partner and your future partner(s) if you aren’t honest with them. Even if you do end up with your friend in the end, you will be a better partner if you come in as a whole person. Honestly, I don’t like that she’s pressuring you to be with her after you said that you weren’t ready.. That’s a red flag to me.

The next step is to stop worrying about everyone else and start focusing on yourself. Take time for just you. Seek therapy if you’re able to–phone and chat therapy could be an option even while we’re all socially distancing. Find peer support and read stories of folks who’ve been through similar experiences. Above all else, know that there are many ways to have a happy life and that there is so much joy to be had on the other side of this huge hurdle.

Q7:

Hi A-Team,

I went through a painful breakup with two close friends seven months ago. We had been friends for years, their behavior was mean-spirited and baffling, and it felt to me like it came out of nowhere.

I moved to a new city with my roommate for both related and unrelated reasons. While I’m grateful not to have to be mired in drama or worried I’ll see these old friends everywhere, I’m also lonely – and the process of making new friends has started to trigger my anxiety almost constantly. While I’ve made some positive new connections, I worry all the time that I’ll say or do something to make them suddenly be cruel to me like my two former friends were. Worse, I worry that I’ll say or do something to reveal how terrible I feel so much of the time.

My new friends seem to enjoy spending time with me and are nice people as far as I can tell, but I’m still constantly replaying my own behavior in my head to see if and how I “messed up”, blowing my “mistakes” out of proportion and obsessing over them. Waiting for text responses feels agonizing in a way that I know doesn’t make any sense. It feels embarrassing to still feel this way so long after what happened with those two old friends.

While I am processing these feelings with my therapist (who I mercifully got to keep doing phone sessions with after I moved), it doesn’t feel like enough. I’m lonely, I’m so triggered all the time that I feel like an exposed nerve, and I worry (without any evidence at all, and in fact plenty of evidence to the contrary) that my feelings make me act desperate and needy.

I guess what I’m asking is: How can I take better care of myself during this hard time? How do I stop the shame spiral that happens when I get anxious and then get embarrassed about it? How do I learn to trust my new friends?

A:

Malic: Moving to a new city and trying to root yourself in a new community is rough, especially when you’re already in a precarious mental state. It sounds like you need more spaces outside of your therapy sessions where you can dump out your feelings without fear of repercussions. Look for support groups in your area. Some therapy centers offer sliding-scale group therapy. Al-Anon (a space for the friends and family of people dealing with addiction and/ or anyone working through codependency) is free. You can try releasing your anxieties in non-verbal group spaces. Take a yoga class or try ecstatic dance.

I hope you’re proud of yourself for putting yourself out there and making new friends! I know that you’re having a hard time trusting your new pals, but if these folks are still hanging out with you, they like you and they’re invested in you. It’s ok to let your guard down and tell them about what you’ve been going through. Your vulnerability might even help them feel closer to you, and they might feel safer sharing their struggles with you, too.

Drew: Life would be a lot easier if there was some sort of time limit on emotional wounds. Unfortunately, that’s not the case. Making friends and, more specifically, keeping friends has been really difficult for me my whole life. It’s not that in practice anything about most of my experiences of friendship have been abnormal, but because of two experiences – one in childhood and one in adolescence – everything feels very heightened. This is all to say that the first thing you can do is let go of the embarrassment you’re feeling. I understand wanting to get over the experience with your former friends, but you’re not yet and that’s okay.

When it comes to trusting your new friends and navigating opening up to them, I think it’s always helpful to think about how they treat you. Do they open up to you? Are they vulnerable with you? If yes, then there’s no reason why you shouldn’t be able to be vulnerable with them. If they’ve remained surface level maybe it would be good to begin to open up and see how they respond. The best friendships I’ve found are built on a gradual introduction of mutual vulnerability. It’s a scary process – especially when past experiences have turned negative – but it’s worth it. Like getting over a past friendship, forming a new friendship takes time. Let yourself have that time.

Q8:

HELLO MY BEST FRIEND AND I HAD A (SOBER) CONVERSATION LAST NIGHT WHERE WE CONCLUDED THAT WE ARE 1. ATTRACTED TO ONE ANOTHER AND 2. INTERESTED IN DATING ONE ANOTHER BUT 3. NOW IS NOT THE RIGHT TIME BECAUSE WE REALLY NEED EACH OTHER AND DON’T WANT ROMANCE TO GET IN THE WAY (also she has a boyfriend)

The thing is, I’ve had a bit of a thing for her for awhile (and she’s known about it) and I’ve mostly been able to keep it under control. BUT NOW??? I am overwhelmed!! This is a lot of information to take in!!!! HOW DO I COPE

A:

Drew: I’m sorry to say this, but I think romance has already gotten in the way. You’re having a hard time shutting down your feelings now that you know they’re reciprocated and that, my friend, is VERY FAIR. But that makes me wonder if you actually agree that now is not the right time for the two of you to be together or if that’s only based on her circumstances. I don’t know the answer to that question! If you genuinely feel like now is not the time (boyfriend-aside) then I’d encourage you to remind yourself why that is. Focusing on those reasons can make you appreciate the friendship and while not getting rid of the feelings also not prioritize them day-to-day.

HOWEVER, if the only issue here is that she has a boyfriend and doesn’t seem to want what you want then that’s a different situation. Then maybe an additional conversation is needed where you understand the extent of her feelings and what she actually wants in the future. This might also mean embracing the vulnerability that comes with being honest about what you want too. I think it’s totally okay to want to date someone, but also be okay with just being their friend. But it’s hard to adjust to that reality when there’s a promise of a potential future. I think either you need to be upfront with your friend about what you really want – if you haven’t been already – or work on shifting your feelings back to something more platonic. You probably won’t succeed in getting rid of them completely, but living in the space of romantic feelings that are returned and might someday be fulfilled but just not quite yet isn’t setting yourself for happiness.

The last thing I’ll say is that sometimes this sort of chaos, these sorts of crush feelings, that possible promise of possibility is what we want. Sometimes we’re okay with that beautiful misery. That’s okay too. Just keep checking in with yourself to make sure the bad feelings aren’t outweighing the good ones. There will probably be a point where living in that space isn’t fun anymore and you’ll want clarity in one direction or the other.

Rachel: Hmmmm maybe this will feel useful to you, who’s to say!

Q9:

So, I’ve been dating this girl… and she’s awesome, everything while we’re together or with our friends is great. The thing is her parents have never met a partner of hers that is a woman… I’m usually pretty good with meeting parents, but I’m really nervous about being the first woman she’s introduced to her parents as she’s told me that her mom (especially) doesn’t really believe that she’s bi/thinks it’s just a phase. I remember my parents meeting my first girlfriend and it took my mom from “this is probably a phase” to “oh shit, I guess you really are dating women” … and it makes me really nervous about being that person for someone else. Do I just approach this as normal meeting the parents and let them figure their own shit out? Or…? I feel like I’m walking into a landmine without a map.

A:

Malic: Ask your girlfriend lets her parents know that she’s currently dating a woman before you meet them in person. That way, she’s doing the coming out part and you’re not doing the coming out for her. That said, you’re still playing a role in her coming out, so I’m going to give you my standard coming out advice: assume the best of the people you’re coming out to. If you approach her parents with the assumption that they’re excited to meet you, they’re less likely to get weird and defensive. In other words, if you don’t make the situation feel weird and heavy, her parents probably won’t either.

If her parents make you feel unsafe or uncomfortable, you never have to spend time with them again. You are not responsible for their behavior. Support your girlfriend through all the family weirdness, but make sure you’re setting boundaries for yourself, too.

KaeLyn: Approach it like a normal meet-the-parents situation. Most importantly, follow your girlfriend’s lead and be there to support her if she needs it. This may be awkward for both of you, but the stakes are higher for her, so just remember that you’re there for her first. That doesn’t mean you can’t set your own boundaries if it goes poorly or if your girlfriend makes an unreasonable ask of you. It means that you should follow her lead if she wants to leave early or if she assures you it’s going well. GOOD LUCK.

Riese: I’ve been that for somebody before and you know, it was a little weird and interesting, but I guess I also saw it as an opportunity? Like another way I could love my girlfriend and show her love was to do my best with her parents. Check in with her a lot — especially w/r/t things she wanted me to either intervene upon or hang back during — ask her for a debrief of anything she wants you to know going into it. It’s a challenge, but sometimes life is just challenging and there’s no way around it.

Q10:

Earlier today, my non-binary partner spoke to me about their desire to try he/him pronouns in addition to they/them pronouns. I think they wanted me to be immediately on-board, but I felt confused and anxious. After our talk, I went home and burst into tears. I want to accept and affirm this part of them because I love them. At the same time, I’ve experienced so much trauma at the hands of men, and I’m having a lot of trouble decoupling masculinity from patriarchy. I HATE these thoughts, and I wish I wasn’t having them. How do I navigate these feelings and overcome my biases in order to be a good partner?

A:

Drew: This is a difficult question that I’m going to do my best to answer as both a trans person and a person who hates men. But what does that mean when I say I hate men? What it actually means is that I have trauma attached to certain men and generally throughout my life have struggled to be around men and masculinity. It means that we live in a patriarchy where men continue to cause harm every single day. It means that some of us have attached fear – not unfairly – to a certain group of people who have power.

But what it doesn’t mean is that I don’t have men in my life who I love. It doesn’t mean that there aren’t a lot of non-men whose masculinity I don’t appreciate or even lust after.

When I came out I began to form friendships with trans men and other transmasculine people and it really helped me realize the things I appreciated about masculinity. And even more than that it helped me view men as people – some of whom were good, some of whom were bad, and most in the wide spectrum in between. There are things I could say that are true about how trans men have different experiences than cis men or that a change in pronouns doesn’t mean your partner is even going to identify as a man. But I think it would be more helpful for you – and for your partner – if you confronted the deeper issues around your views of men. I’m not saying it’s easy to move on from that trauma, but it’s not about moving on as much as it is – as you said – decoupling those experiences from the very idea of men.

If your partner does ultimately realize they are a man, then what you have to accept is that you fell in love with a man long before they asked you to change their pronoun. Your partner is the person he is and pronouns or any new hormones or surgeries don’t change that.

You’re allowed to feel how you feel, but the quicker you’re able to work through those feelings and be as supportive as you want to be the better it will be for both you and your partner. Until then I’d recommend working through these feelings with people other than your partner. They’re going through enough on their own and while I don’t think you need to lie to them, I do think most of this work has to happen separately.

I also recommend reading Vivek Shraya’s I’m Afraid of Men. It really shifted the way I think about men and masculinity. That doesn’t mean I’m not sometimes still glib about hating men. I think that’s my right as a woman forced to live in patriarchy. But my actual feelings and how I talk about men seriously has shifted – and I know it can for you too.

Al(aina): So, pronouns! They’re a lot. I’m assuming you’re cis, so if I’m wrong maybe ignore me, but here’s something that as a non-binary person I find very obvious that a lot of cis people (and sometimes trans folks, too, even!) don’t realize: pronouns do not correlate with gender. It doesn’t seem like your partner is saying he wants to be a man, just that he wants to try out he/him pronouns. Decoupling pronouns from gender seems like a huge task, but I want to encourage you to think about your partner right now, and not all men or all people who’ve used he/him pronouns. If you can use their pronouns because it makes him feel good, then I would just start there. The step you’ve taken–he/him=man=harmful–is so valid! And it’s also moving a step ahead of what your partner has told you. Try and take some breaths and be right here, right now. Your partner is just trying something new, and more than that, you know them. You know that they aren’t the men who’ve caused you trauma in the past, and now more than ever it’s important for you to keep reminding yourself of that.

Q11:

Hey, I’ve been in the middle of a huge life transition. It’s great, after years of hard work and depression, I finally feel like my life is coming together. I’ve been dating and in relationships with women for about seven years, but I was also in a small town and broke in my twenties.

So, I feel like I’m no longer a baby gay, but I also missed a lot of experiences in the community. My life changed for the better, six months ago. I got a job in a much bigger area and have been actively trying to get out of my comfort zone.

I just feel like I’m in my early thirties and I’ve already lost so much time. What would you recommend for platonic things for a kinda young Sapphic to do, in a fairly big area. This is my chance to find myself, blah blah blah, and I want to take full advantage.

A:

Malic: I’m so excited for you! Here are some ways to make new queer pals and root yourself in your new city’s queer community:

Learn about queer history in your city (some major cities have queer museums, archives and walking tours that you can check out). Volunteer for a queer cause. Join a club (some cities have queer running clubs, game nights, book clubs, softball leagues, etc.). Be a patron at LGBTQ-owned businesses. Go see queer comedians, musicans and plays featuring queer and trans characters. Engage in stereotypically gay activities like camping. One final pro-tip: If you’re specifically looking for lesbians, you can always find some at an animal shelter or a rock climbing gym.

Casey: What Malic said: I am excited for you! Also, queer community in my experience is made up of people of all different ages and I don’t think you have lost any time at all. I have had friends anywhere from 20s to 50s at various times in my life and in various cities, and people who have come out at wildly different times.

I would suggest thinking about what types of stuff you are into doing and what your interests are, and then seeking out a way to make them gay! I think volunteering in particular can be a great way to meet people, since you are kinda forced to interact with fellow volunteers and it makes for an easier way to start chatting with people than a strictly social event. (At least for me–maybe you’re outgoing and don’t have that issue). Are you into movies? Volunteer for a queer film festival. Wanna try singing? Join a queer choir. Love to read? Go to some book launches, author events, or book clubs with queer reads and/or authors. Maybe you’re into event organizing and want to get involved in your local Pride planning group or LGBTQ community centre. Like to play [insert sport here]? Look for a specifically queer league (honestly, even if it’s not, there are bound to be queer ladies there).

I guess that brings me to my other thought, which is like, just keep doing all the things you like, or try new stuff, and make yourself a very visibly young Sapphic (whatever that means for you: a haircut, gal pals t-shirt, buttons on your bag, talking about your ex-girlfriend, etc.). One of my favourite parts of being part of the queer community is that shared kinship you immediately have with queer strangers. I think you might be surprised about how Sapphic you can make just about any place or activity when you connect with fellow queer women.
Also, check out Autostraddle events and meet-ups!

Q12:

Anybody over here dealing with ADHD? Mine is ridiculous. It lead to a lot of setbacks in my life. I’m doing really good, right now. Got the reliable job with opportunity for growth, independence from family, maintaining friendships in my life, started to find quick tricks to cooking real food, and my room is mostly clean (Cleanest ever in my life! It’s not that great, but I’m still proud lol).

Now that I finally got the big stuff sorted, I’m ready to take the next step. There are certain things that are pretty basic in life that I’ve been neglecting. I want to go from halfway faking adulthood to living it, for real. I know everyone is faking it till they make it, but I’ve been working really hard, for years, just to get to this point.
I’m proud of myself, for climbing that mountain, but I want to move forward. Which means, I got to face the ugly truth of what this disorder can do to you. Which is there’s some basic daily grooming stuff that I don’t keep up with. It’s pretty humiliating to anonymously admit this to you, but if any of y’all are adhd, I’d love some advice.

How do you start a habit that’s pretty routine, but is boring as hell. Ever went running and your brain is screaming at you to stop? That’s how I feel brushing my teeth or taking a shower more than once a week. I put these basic things aside to sort out the big stuff in my life. The big stuff is now sorted and I got to deal. How can I approach this in a new way and keep my brain distracted enough to form the habit?

A:

Christina: Hello my fellow ADHD pal! This is one of those things that comes with managing ADHD that is rarely talked about, but is incredibly real and frustrating to deal with. I too hate brushing my teeth! Hate it! And flossing? Forget it, just the worst, most boring thing on the planet. And yet! I brush my teeth every day! How have I accomplished this feat? Two things: knowing how bad about myself I feel when I don’t, and how that feeling creeps in and takes over all the other precious routines I have created. If I don’t brush my teeth then it’s easier to not wash my face and if I don’t wash my face…it goes on and on. The other thing that helps is my absolute addiction to podcasts. It’s super helpful for me to have something I can listen to while I am doing all the boring hygiene stuff, that way my brain isn’t laser focused on “oh god this is boring, oh god this is terrible, why am I still standing here.” My go-tos are Reply All, Who? Weekly, and The Read for fun banter that distracts my brain juuust the right amount. Also? In the morning, I brush my teeth in the shower. Get it all outta the way as fast as I can. As for showering, it is truly one of my favorite activities, it wakes me up and focuses me for the day, but! Would you be more into hopping in the shower if you treated yourself to some luxe products? If you made your shower a lovely place to spend some time, instead of “ugh, this again?” I listen to podcasts in the shower too, so maybe consider a waterproof speaker and some music! I hope this helps and that you remember you are not alone in this!

Q13:

After I came out in my early/mid-20s, I was trying for years to fit into the LGBTQ community. I read about 8-9 history monographs, including that one by Lillian Faderman that is over 800 pages long, and tried for a while to understand LBTQ media and culture so I was well-versed in history and current things. Now in my early 30s, I’m extremely socially anxious around other LGBTQ people. I realized when listening to people critique Buttigieg (not my political fave btw) and how he’s “incidentally gay” that maybe I’m also “incidentally gay” and that many of my social fears around other LGBTQ people have always been about having them find me out. That brought a lot of baggage into clarity, namely that I’m just not interested in 99.8% of things that are considered queer culture. I don’t know if I’m allowed to be a gay woman who doesn’t participate in it because it feels like you have to in order to correctly be your sexual orientation, but trying to force myself to like things just feels like lying. Is there a way to be “incidentally gay” and to do my own thing without other LGBTQ people saying that people like me are betraying “the community” by deciding to opt out? I just feel so tired.

A:

Himani: While there are many different aspects of LGBTQ+ community, it can be really isolating when the ones that seem like the dominant narrative don’t really resonate with you. However, there’s a difference between saying “I’m not into these aspects of queer culture” and saying “I’m looking down on these aspects of queer culture.”

In Buttigeig’s case, he and Chasten were critical of parts of queer culture in a way that applied the same judgemental morality towards queer culture that has kept the community marginalized for so long. And when you’re the first openly gay person to run for president, this will lead members of your community to say things like “yeah this guy is just ‘incidentally gay'” because you’re clearly not interested in associating with all of the LGBTQ+ community, let alone representing its concerns.

As long as you’re not judging people for their interests or voting against rights for everyone, you’re not betraying the community. On the other hand, it does seem like you’re applying stereotypes about the LGBTQ+ community to the LGBTQ+ community, while being a member of the LGBTQ+ community. I can understand the impulse because sometimes I can’t decide what’s more isolating: to be “the only one” in the room or to be in a room full of people who I supposedly share community with and feel like I have nothing in common with them. And when the second one happens a lot, it can make me feel like I don’t belong in that community.

But, I’m a big believer in expanding the definition of something to include everyone who falls under that umbrella. You say that you don’t relate to 99.8% of things that are considered queer culture. I would encourage you to focus on the 0.2% that you do relate to and try to reframe how you think about what is and is not queer culture. To take myself as an example, I will never hit it off with strangers in a gay bar. The problem there isn’t that it’s a gay bar; the problem is it’s a bar: I hate loud, crowded places and trying to make small talk with strangers. On the other hand, if a social group for LGBTQ+ people is doing a restaurant crawl, I’ll have an incredible time talking about food at length with a bunch of LGBTQ+ foodies. In this way, I meet other LGBTQ+ people who share my interests and connect with them on things that I’m passionate about without feeling like I have to pretend I’ve watched The L Word or something. I consider all of that to be part of the LGBTQ+ community and queer culture.

Q14:

I’m a person who throws myself very completely into relationships, and finds a lot of my meaning in life from caring for other people. My relationship ended, how do I learn how to actually enjoy caring for myself in the same way I do for others?

A:

Malic: Read Codependent No More! Once you’ve gobbled up the information in that book, be your own partner. Treat yourself like you’re your own hot date. Tidy up your home the way you would before a hot date. Cook yourself an actual meal. Put it on an actual plate. Light a candle. Eat leisurely and with pleasure. Get a massage. Change your hair. Do something undeniably good for yourself like eating more vegetables or starting therapy. These actions might feel like “going through the motions” at first, but eventually, you’ll learn what feels good for you and you can teach yourself to follow your pleasure.

Rachel: This is relatable and very hard! At the risk of bumming you out early in my answer to this question and losing you before getting to the rest of it, you probably aren’t going to enjoy it in the SAME way you do for others. The gratification that comes from providing pleasure/comfort/care to someone else isn’t the same thing as what comes from caring for oneself, and I’m worried that if you expect it to, you’ll get frustrated and give up on this or think something is wrong with you. There isn’t! The gratification of being with oneself in this way is much longer-term and more delayed, and that’s ok, because it’s also more sustaining and stable. One trick I use sometimes to try to replicate it is imagining two versions of myself, Present Rachel and Future Rachel – when I clean up or cook or prepare some special occasion or give myself some care I know I need, it’s something I’m doing for Future Rachel, and she gets to appreciate it from Past Rachel when she enjoys it. It also takes some effort to built the habit of noticing and appreciating what you do for yourself – to train yourself to be aware of and appreciate it when you’re well-rested because you convinced yourself to go to sleep early, when you’re happy and satiated because you made yourself a good meal. Practice your awareness of those things! Practice noticing what they make possible for yourself – were you able to navigate a difficult work situation better because you cared for yourself so well the night before? It’s a different kind of pleasure than having a partner rhapsodize about the dessert you made them, but it’s special in its own way.

Q15:

Listen. I just met this stunning Dem organizer, and even though I get that organizers spend untold hours getting coffee with randos that they want to bring into the fold and bounce ideas off of, I still feel dizzy and giddy that she said we should get coffee sometime. *Swoon* I don’t know if she’s queer, but she has all the tall-dark-and-handsome energy one could ever want in a Mommi. Unfortunately all her social media is filled with posts about organizer stuff and not pictures of herself wearing Autostraddle t-shirts like mine, so I have to do more research. This coffee is HAPPENING.

A:

Malic: Is this a question? I can’t find a question in all your excitement! I’m stoked for you! If you’re wondering how you’ll know if she’s queer, go to coffee and let her lead the conversation. If she keeps the convo businesslike and focused on politics, then you’re probably on a platonic, professional hangout and not on a date. If you’re still not sure or if you just want to find out if she’s queer, find a casual way to let her know that you’re a friend of Dorothy (do people still say that?). Wear that Autostraddle shirt! Mention that Tegan and Sara concert you went to. If you open up about your own queerness, she might be comfortable enough to share her own orientation.

Q16:

I’m about to graduate law school (Yay!) and I have a job lined up with the firm I interned in last summer. (Double yay!!!) I never got a feeling that the other attorneys had any sort of issue with queer people, though there don’t appear to be any (who are out) in the office. This is a mid-sized firm with several administrative assistants who are assigned to a small handful of attorneys each. They handle things like your reimbursement sheets, your payroll stuff, scheduling, and lots of other things that go to the day-to-day of the job. When I was an intern, I was assigned to an admin assistant who I learned over the course of the summer is quite homophobic (not from anything she said to me, but from stories from some of the attorneys complaining about her general level of casual bigotry). I wasn’t out there, but I don’t plan on staying that way forever, and I’m afraid that 1) because I was assigned to her over the summer that I will be assigned to her when I go back, 2) I will either come out at work or she will figure out that I’m queer (I generally don’t hide it! It’s not hard to discern from my online presence.) and then 3) there will be issues with her arising from that knowledge. I want to somehow ask if I can be assigned to someone else, but I don’t know how to go about that. Help!

I should add that this is a generally well-liked person at the office! Apparently this stuff doesn’t come up that often. I don’t want to rock the boat, but I don’t want to feel uncomfortable every time I turn in my billable hours! AAAAHHHHH!

A:

Drew: I would recommend having a conversation with one of the attorneys who shared stories about her bigotry. I understand this might feel uncomfortable or risky – and maybe you’d prefer to just say nothing and hope for the best – but I think it’s completely reasonable to express these concerns and even be asked to be placed with someone else. Again I think asking outright is completely fair, but if you want to take a more measured approach you could simply raise these concerns in the form of a follow-up regarding what one of these attorneys shared. Maybe that alone would get them to place you with someone else to reduce conflict.

KaeLyn: You should check out what the protections are for sexual orientation non-discrimination in your state, just so you know what you’re getting into if you open up this convo at work. If you live in the U.S., you can find that info at the Movement Advancement Project including local statues. You should also check your employer’s employee handbook or HR manual to see what the non-discrimination policy is at your workplace, which may be stronger than your local or state laws. Unfortunately, it’s legal (though questionably fair and constitutional) to fire someone in many places because of their sexual orientation, even in the U.S. I’m not suggesting you shouldn’t be out at work, just that you should know all your rights before you make a decision in a new workplace that sounds fairly homogenous and heteronormative as you describe it.

Unless you witnessed this administrative assistant acting in bigoted ways before when you were working together, I actually would assume she will continue to treat you and others professionally. Just hearing second-hand that she’s a bigot isn’t really enough to result in employer action. That said, if you have seen her be discriminatory or bigoted, even if it wasn’t directed at you, you have more of a reason to speak up and ask to be assigned a different admin right off the day. Even if you have only had good interaxtions with her, if you end up being assigned to her and do witness or experience discriminatory or bigoted behavior, you should absolutely document it in detail and consider reporting it to HR. For now, though, if you don’t have prior discirmination issues to raise with your employer, I’d sit tight and see if you’re even placed with her and how she interacts with you as a colleague. I really hope your new job is great and that it’s a safe place to work!

Q18:

Hi AS !

For the past year or so I’ve been very anxious about my relationship to sex.

I’ve seen a pattern over the last four (long-term) relationships. In two of them, one with a girl and one with a boy, it was long-distance and when we were together, we had sex every day. I wanted it and enjoyed it. However, our communication was poor, and I didn’t feel like I had a deep connection with either of them outside of sex. I’d say I was in love with the girl, not with the boy. Both relationships ended for non-sex related reasons.

In two other relationships (one ten years ago, one now), we lived together, were deeply in love, and had very good communication on all aspects. However, I was then – and am now – less and less interested in sex, much more in tenderness, strokes, massages, oil, etc. I found both girls very desirable, but don’t feel the need to be sexual.

I’m really wondering if this is some form of asexuality – only being interested in sex as proxy for connexion, not as an end in itself. It’s like… the opposite of “demisexual” (only sexual when in love) ?

I don’t have hangups around sex, have had many one-night stands, and in fact am much more comfortable with the idea of sex with strangers, than with my partner.
It’s really weird, AS.

Help ?

A:

Rachel: I understand being confused and anxious about this, absolutely! I think queer women’s communities can sometimes have less of a vocabulary around what sex can potentially mean outside of ~emotional connection~, and it’s always super easy to feel like the way you’re experiencing or wanting sex/desire/intimacy/affection is ‘wrong’ or totally alone in the world. It’s possible that what you’re talking about in terms of asexuality is true, although in general I think I try to suggest that people avoid the impulse to assume that patterns they’re noticing are markers of an immutable identity — both because I think landing on an ‘identity’ doesn’t end up explaining or helping as much as we think it will, and because it can lock us into ideas of ourselves; it can get us stuck in the question “who/what am I?” rather than things like “what do I need around this” or “what feels best to me here.”

One way of looking at this is that this is a pattern you’ve noticed, one which may mean something or stem from something or may mean nothing at all; there’s no need to find a reason for it or fix it, just like there’s no need to fix liking bananas more than pears. However, since it’s causing you anxiety, I’m getting the sense that you’d like this to be different than it is now. I’m wondering (as someone who just left her FaceTime therapy appointment) whether this is less about in-love-ness for you and more about emotional intimacy. It sounds like you’re really desirous of and comfortable with emotional intimacy with some partners, but don’t necessarily feel sexy or sexual in those spaces; it sounds like you like feeling sexy and sexual in other scenarios, but ones that preclude emotional intimacy. What’s your history or background like around being emotionally close, trusting or vulnerable? When you think about being in that situation, how do you feel about yourself and others? What are your own ideas or deep-held beliefs about sexuality or desirability – what do you believe makes you or others desirable or turns you on? Are the answers to these two lines of questioning similar, or divergent? I’m wondering if your experiences or received beliefs in the past have led you to separate these two interpersonal dynamics, so that it doesn’t feel intuitive to experience them both in the same dynamic with a person. When you say you’re “much more comfortable with the idea of sex with strangers, than with my partner,” can you dig into that feeling at all? When you close your eyes and think about sex with a partner, and notice the lack of comfort that comes up, what is that associated with? I realize there are more questions than answers here, and probably an actual therapist could be much more helpful with this than I am, but something to think about!

Q19:

I’m a bi woman, I’ve been in a relationship with another bi woman for 2 and a half years and we’ve talked about moving in together. I make 55k and she makes 95k a year. Despite the gulf in our income levels, she almost always insists we split bills 50/50. We use an app to split expenses 50/50, and she puts everything on there, down to cups of coffee. If I tell her I can’t afford something she wants to do, she will offer to pay for it, but I always have to make things awkward by bringing this up.

I haven’t had a ton of long term relationships, but my last one was with a man for a year and a half; he made about 85k adjusted for inflation. He always paid more than 50/50 when we went out. I never had to make anything awkward with him because he just expected to pay more. I also know that my girlfriend had a similar experience with an exboyfriend who made more money than her, but it’s like she can’t see how now SHE’S the high earner. I feel like there’s no script or custom for women in relationships with women. I know I will have to tell my girlfriend that I can’t move in with her if she picks somewhere out of my price range and wants to split it 50/50, but I wish there was like, a guide or article I could show her. Help!

A:

Casey: Yikes, money is such a tough and awkward subject for a lot of us. I feel like all the couples I know have some kind of money issue that recurs in their relationship. It looks like yours is making itself pretty prominent right now, with your talking about moving in together. Bad news is that living together is going to involve financial stuff in your relationship even more so this issue is not going away. Good news is that having this talk with her about money will ideally make your relationship stronger and more honest going forward. Hopefully it will also be good practice for other difficult conversations you’ll have to have with her about other issues (cause that’s just what happens in relationships).

This lack of scripts you mention is the joy AND burden of being in a queer relationship. You don’t have to confirm to the stifling heteronormative scripts of how to be in a relationship: yay! You can make up your own guidelines and rules and ways of being: yay again! But also: how do you do this?? I don’t have the answer, and that’s because you and your girlfriend have to figure it out together. You’re going to have to think critically about how you want to deal with finances in your relationship. You’re going to have to decide what aspects you can compromise on, and what you can’t. You’re going to have to talk to her honestly about it! More than once!

It might be a good idea to talk to your girlfriend about money in general and her values and experiences with it. Did she grow up poor? Did she have a parent who spent money recklessly when she was young? Did whoever she learned about money from put a big emphasis on protecting yourself and making sure things are fair? Is she making a lot more or a lot less than she grew up with? Is she stressed about some debt she is paying off, or worrying about caring for her parents in the future? (You’re going to have to think about your own answers to these questions and share them with her).

I hope that talking about her financial values and experiences can lead you to investigating why she, as you said, “can’t see how now SHE’S the high earner.” It sounds like something is going on with her wanting to be very meticulous about splitting 50/50. I hope you can get to the bottom of it–she might not even realize what is behind her behavior. What’s going on with her that she hasn’t become more intuitive over the course of your relationship in realizing how awkward you feel having to ask her to pay for things you can’t afford?

It sounds like this 50/50 splitting of expenses isn’t working for you in your relationship in general, not just your potentially moving in together. Sorry if this is bad news, but you’re going to need to talk about that too. How does her insistence on always splitting everything 50/50 make you feel? Does it feel like she’s being unkind or ungenerous? Do you feel like she’s not being fair? Are you worried she’s going to think you’re taking advantage of her if she pays more? Having to feel like you “always have to make things awkward by bringing this up” is a pretty crappy feeling.

For more on this topic, I think Gaby Dunn’s book Bad with Money could be really helpful! (Check out this review of the book on Autostraddle). Also, Kaelyn wrote this very informative article on Autostraddle dot com, When Two (or More) Become One: Relationship Budgeting for the Financial Planning Adverse.

My personal two cents on your not feeling great about splitting everything 50/50 is that that is VERY reasonable. She makes almost twice as much as you! Plenty of couples, regardless of gender, divide expenses in a way that reflects their different incomes. Good luck!

Q20:

How do I tell if I’m in love or just really horny for this girl I’m dating? We’ve been seeing each other for the past 9 months but started out “keeping things casual” and haven’t really had like an official relationship talk. I’m really happy with the way things are with her and the way I feel when I’m around her and the overall status of our relationship. I’m having the best sex of my life and just being in the same room as her is enough to turn me on. We both have a lot of responsibilities so we don’t spend time together every day or anything, which is perfect for me. Is it emotionally unhealthy that we don’t really ever lay it all out there and talk about how we’re feeling about each other? If I often find myself thinking, “I love you” when I’m with her…does that probably mean I’m in love with her? Is this OK? Am I OK? Can something that feels this good be OK, or is it all going to come crashing down around me someday?

A:

KaeLyn: It sounds like you’re happy with your current arrangement and don’t want to change a thing, which is honestly great. If you aren’t sure if your sex pal friend is feeling the same about it, then yes, have a talk about where you’re each at. If you’re truly satisfied with “keeping things casual” as your relationship status and they are too, then you’re awesome! There’s nothing wrong with liking things the way they are! You’re fine!

Riese: Excitement and intensity after sex might be an emotion you associate with love and that’s why you feel the urge to say it. You can feel literally at a loss for words sometimes after incredible sex, you know? And there’s also the human drive to get more of a good thing — you’ve experienced this intense, all-consuming energy and you want more, you want to eat more life!! This is just to say the instinct to say “I love you” doesn’t necessarily mean that you love her! BUT also, if it does, that also might not be a huge problem? You’re getting closer to her, maybe to a point where if you were just friends you would already be incorporating love into your daily saluatations, and that’s just you know…. weird. It’s just a weird human dynamic!

Q21:

Need recommendations for dealing with queer tokenism at work. I work in a private corporate environment and my company has recently discovered that promoting diversity is good for business (insert infinite eyeroll). i’m a pretty outspoken white dyke (altho i’m not out about being enby or using they/them at work) so when diversity tasks come up, they regularly get assigned to me, despite having no relevance to my actual job title. I’m happy to make the BHM slide show, i’m happy to take a look at the Observances Calendar Brought to You by the Diversity and Inclusion committee, i’m willing to make a presentation about how and why pride participation matters. but whenever i do all of these things, i feel like i’m asked to tone it down. don’t make this BHM facts too radical. Don’t include too much trans stuff. Don’t talk about how corporate pride participation is problematic. How do I do all of this without selling my soul? Or what can I say to myself as like a mantra to power thru it. I’m thrilled that participating in pride is even on the table and i’m happy to do this work so that someone more marginalized than me isn’t forced to do so. is this what people mean when they talk about emotional labor?

A:

KaeLyn: Yuuuuuup, that’s some good ol’ fashioned emotional labor. You have a choice about how you proceed here. If it’s all too much, you can absolutely set a boundary and say you’re not serving on diversity such-and-such any more. You can say the real reason why or you can blame it on your workload. If you decide to keep trudging on to try to make your corner of the world slightly better, that’s an equally ok decision. Don’t think of it as selling your soul. Think of it as helping to push the needle forward ever-so-slowly so that it’s easier for the next folks to come through. You’re like a secret agend using your powers for good. That doesn’t mean it won’t still feel gross sometimes. Do you have someone at work you can confide in and talk to when you need to vent? Or, if not at work, someone in your life who can understand when you need to scream into the void about being asked to organize and star in the corporate pride video shoot? Find that person. You’ll need a place to express your really valid concerns.

I’ve been in the place you’re in at former employers. (Roll the clip of the time our HR manager told me in a one-on-one sit-down that we weren’t ready to deal with LGBTQ issues yet because we were still dealing with celebrating different ethnicities and races.) When I looked back to reflect on it years later, I see that change happened incrementally and the seeds I planted did eventually grow into something more meaningful over time. So if you worry that you aren’t making enough change, I promise you’re going in the right direction. You can’t stop your corporation from being a corporation, but you can engage with it in a way that feels true to you, whether that’s bowing out or taking the lead.

Q22:

Should I join the YMCA? I just moved and while I’ll still go to my queer bootcamp once a week, it’s too far for more regular exercise. There is a YMCA near me with a class schedule that meets my needs and an affordable family plan. Their policies say they are LGBT friendly, including non-discriminatory bathroom and locker room policies. I’m planning to ask about their practices for queer and trans folks if I sign up, but should I not even bother? How much has the Y changed since I was a kid? How much is still the same?

A:

Rachel: Hm I think this is tough to answer because I don’t think Ys are necessarily all that similar to one another? I spent time in Ys as a kid and have a membership at a YWCA now, and had positive experiences at all; in my experience, the Y in my city is much more community-focused and therefore more diverse in terms of bodies, age, race and ability than the more dedicated health spaces in my city, but that may be totally different elsewhere! If you’re considering signing up, they’ll often give you a full tour and answer questions; I think that option would be a great place to start, even if only to get a sense of who else attends it and what the vibe is.

Q23:

Hey autostraddle (ideally if a PoC writer could answer this – specifically a mixed/ biracial writer that would be great!) I’m queer and mixed – mostly white, partly east asian, and am white passing, raised as white, but recently been trying to learn about my east asian heritage. I acknowledge my white passing privilege and am conscious to not take up space in PoC spaces so as to not make anyone uncomfortable. My friend (south asian) constantly refers to me as white, bringing it up nearly every single time we hang out, though sometimes corrects themselves to describe me as ‘white passing’. However this correction feels very tokenistic. This friend also said while drunk that I just want to be ‘spicy’ or ‘ethnic’ when we were having a discussion about how people perceive my ethnicity upon meeting me. This is not true; I merely want to be respected as who I am. It’s also confusing because my friend is bisexual and is very vocal about bisexual issues, but is often very dismissive of biracial ones. Another friend (white) noticed how this friend treats me and has said that I should probably say something. I feel negatively impacted by the way my friend treats me, and want to bring it up, but don’t know how to, as I have white privilege and they do not. Any advice?

A:

Bailey: Black, Asian, white and queer over here, hi there! Lemme start with this – you have every right to look into your heritage and explore your identity and it sounds like you are doing it in a way that works for you whilst being aware of all the nuances it can involve. Yes, there are privileges that come with being white passing, but that doesn’t make you any less East Asian – I just want to reiterate that point, because… also yes… if your friendship with this person matters so much, I would bring up exactly what you’ve written here and let them know how it’s impacting you. Tell them what you need/don’t need and hand over responsibility to your friend to act on this information and make amends.

Q24:

My lover of three months ghosted me. I didn’t think things like this really happened. I don’t understand how someone can just leave. I feel bereft and I’m crying all the time. I’m so angry and sad and confused and frustrated. She hasn’t blocked me on FB, or unmatched me on Tinder. I can still see her living her life but she hasn’t messaged me in 3 weeks and she doesn’t pick up my calls. I feel small and dumb and pathetic. What the fuck happened. I’ll probably never know! Have you ever ghosted someone? Why? Have you been ghosted? Did you survive? (obviously you did! but I’m in my feelings).

A:

Malic: I was ghosted by someone I casually dated for a few months back when I was 23, and it STILL hurts my heart to think about it (but I survived!). Here’s the best thing you can do for yourself right now: stop asking, “Why?” You don’t know why this person ghosted you. You won’t know why this person ghosted you. Any reasons you imagine are probably a whole lot worse than reality. You need to put any more energy into this person — she’s already proven herself to be unworthy of your attention.

Q25:

Hello AS! Thank you for being endlessly amazing!

I’m pansexual and in a wonderful, monogamous, long term relationship, but we haven’t had sex in years due to trauma around a sexual assault that I experienced. I’m considering bringing up the possibility of opening our relationship so that they (and hopefully, eventually, me) can enjoy physical intimacy while still maintaining our relationship, but am wondering if you have any specific resources for sexual assault survivors changing their relationship structures. I don’t want to cause myself unintentional harm, and also want to be able to speak clearly and thoughtfully about the possibilities we have with non-monogamy without making my partner feel that they aren’t sexually desirable. I’ve looked through AS articles and read the Ethical Slut, but was hoping for something more specific for sexual assault survivors. Thank you!

A:

Bailey: I recently posted a review of books for folks new to polyamory and non-monogamy that could be helpful? Whilst not a lot of these books are specific to survivor experiences, one of these writers, Clementine Morrigan, writes about sex and non-monogamy from their experience(s) as a survivor. Their zines are less solution based and more solidarity based, but matched with the other books on the list (some, for example, talk about how to have conversations with your partner) could potentially be a little more helpful for you.

Q26:

I’m a newly single bi lady. How do I find fun (queer or straight) people to have a threesome with that won’t objectify me? what are your tips for finding people and getting on the same page about what’s on the table?

i’m not opposed to sleeping with a different sex couple but i don’t want to be treated like a ‘gift’ or used as a way to spice up their relationship.

–not a unicorn, more like a miniature horse.

A:

Malic: Whenever you’re having a threesome with a couple, you’re spicing up their relationship. Without you, there would be no threesome, and that couple’s sex life would be business as usual. That said, you can be the “special ingredient” and still be treated with respect. If you don’t want to risk a potentially awkward threesome with strangers, here are some other options:

Option 1 – Organize a threesome with two other people who are not dating each other. You have to put in a lot of work to make this happen, but it’s possible, especially if these folks are former hookups you enjoyed fucking but never ended up dating (maybe it’s time to send one of those, “Hey, it’s been a while…” texts). When everyone is an individual player, no one is a unicorn.

Option 2 – Initiate a threesome with a couple you already know and trust. WARNING: This involves mixing friendship and sex! You might be risking your friendship with one or both partners. If you’re willing to take that risk, you might feel a little safer having a conversation with folks you already know about physical/ emotional safety and respect.

Q27:

Context: I identify as a queer woman, I’m in a monogamous relationship, and I was recently hit on by a straight, cis, married, (apparently) persistent man that I know from college. He said things like “[Is it] normal to have an overactive mind or is that just a classic guy thing?”, and “Sometimes I feel like having someone to talk to as an outlet would be nice, but where do you draw the line?” and “My mind’s an interesting place”. In summary, I told him that he should consider how his partner would feel about his actions, communicate openly and honestly with his partner, and maybe try couple’s counseling for help talking to his partner about his unmet needs.

So now I’m left:
1. ANGRY that he’s being a dirtbag behind his wife’s back, that he’s forcing me to do emotional labor to “nicely” turn down his dirtbag advances, and that I even feel the need to be nice to him; 2. wondering how y’all would handle such a situation, and if I should tell his wife he’s being a dirtbag; and 3. asking y’all to bring back Straight People Watch (because I really don’t think straight people are okay).

A:

Al(aina): Unless you’re as close with her as you are with him, I would not tell his wife, but I would absolutely tell him “Bud, we’re not having these conversations anymore.” If he continues, then maybe I’d tell his wife? But I’d probably just block him. Straight men usually get it after a block. And you are correct: straight people are still, not okay. Never will be.

Q28:

The precarity of queer communities makes dealing with abuse/assault so much harder. How do you recover from a trauma when the person who perpetrated it used to be the person who sat with you while you recovered from things that were too heavy for most people to hear? How do you move through the world as your authentic self when every time you’ve tried to privately come out to someone (as bi, as poly, as trans, etc.) that person has turned around and somehow used that information as an excuse to violate you? How do you trust your own people when experience tells you they aren’t any safer to be around than the ones who openly abhor what you are? How do I ever feel safe again?

A:

Al(aina): Oof. This is very hard and so relatable. I’m gonna answer your question in terms of a person committing harm and not abuse/assault. If a community member is being abusive, other community members need to know and that community member should face consequences for it. Abuse should always be dealt with seriously and, in my opinion, isn’t something you should deal with alone. Now if you’ve been harmed by someone, that’s a little different. The first thing to remember is that while queer community may feel precarious, that’s just capitalism and white supremacy and homophobia, babe. We’re everywhere. We always have been, we always will be, and we’re not disappearing anytime soon. I know last year, when I dealt with something similar, I felt like I couldn’t go anywhere, but that wasn’t true. Now is the time to lean on your other friends–and I know it may feel like there’s no one else, but now’s when you dig deep. Make a fucking excel spreadsheet if you need to. What worked for me was reminding myself that my circle has always been bigger than that one person, and gently encouraging myself to keep broadening that circle. Start a bridge group, go on a walk with someone you haven’t seen in a minute, host tiny dinner parties (not now, please stay socially distant right now).

Okay, and here’s the hard part: try again. At least once a week I tell myself “all my friendships fail, everytime I’m vulnerable people use it against me, I’ll never be safe again, I’ll never trust anyone again,” and then I take a deep breath, and despite being positive that all these bad thoughts are true, I go out and I try again. And each time I try, I feel a little safer, I feel a little more seen, I remember that I’m not bad or wrong or a piece of shit because one person caused me harm and made me feel unsafe. I keep trying because I know these are the people I want to be with. I would rather try and fail and try and fail and try and fail and try again with queer people who I feel like I can be honest with than with people I know already hate me. It’s hard work, but it has been worth it. I have healed so much in the past few months, even though that fear of being hurt again is always inside of me.

Q29:

Topic: involuntary lesbian childlessness. Was trying for a child with my wife when she left me, and am now too old for children. Haven’t seen this experience reflected anywhere. Thanks for all you do.

A:

Bailey: I’m so sorry your wife left you – things will be okay. I wish I knew more about your situation to give a solid answer. Let’s start by throwing away the societal age band and rules for parenting; you are not too old for children and you do not need a partner to be a parent! Whilst you’re remembering this I also suggest you, if you haven’t already, grieve. When my wife left me I had to grieve not only her, but the dream I thought we were working towards, which included kids. I had to shatter the white picket fence fantasy before I realised I could have children without being in a partnership and I could even do it later in life if I wished. You might find after grieving and processing this breakup that the way you originally were going to parent with your wife is completely different to the path to parenthood you want to take, or not take, now.

Q30:

My girlfriend of nearly 3 years has two friends from high school who openly dislike me. She has hundreds of friends, and these two aren’t local, so it normally doesn’t bother me save for when they visit or we attend mutual weddings, etc. But now with the self-isolation, they have been facetiming and calling my girlfriend daily and I will say hi only to be blatantly ignored, just as they do in person, and it’s really bothering me. I can see them roll their eyes when I leave the camera frame- they are not even trying to hide it. We are all supposed to go to a wedding overseas in the fall and I’m getting anxious just thinking about it. My girlfriend says they are generally just mean girls and overly protective of her… I can’t stand that she won’t stick up for me to them because essentially they are grown-up bullies. I’ve tried talking to her about it on several occasions and it always just ends with her defending them. She has said she has told them to give it a rest but nothing changes. I don’t know what to do. HELP!!

A:

Drew: I’m so sorry that you’re in this situation. It’s a terrible feeling to not get along with your girlfriend’s friends and it’s exhausting to be dealing with mean girl-style bullying as an adult. I’m frustrated with your girlfriend for not being more receptive to your experience, but also trying to be understanding that it’s difficult to have old friends who you care about but who don’t necessarily act how you would like. My first thought is your girlfriend should ditch these obviously shitty old friends, but not only is that not necessarily fair it’s also not up to me – or you. Do you feel like in your conversations with your girlfriend you’ve been honest about just how badly they make you feel? If not, then I recommend doing so. Maybe if she understood the extent of your hurt then she’d talk to them about it in a way that could shift their behavior.

My main suggestion is just accepting that these friends of hers don’t need to be friends of yours. She can FaceTime them if she wants to, but you don’t have to be on the call. When they visit, you might see them once or twice, but mostly just let your girlfriend be with them on her own. I think this wedding would feel less anxiety-provoking if it felt like a rare trip you just have to brace yourself for instead of something you have to deal with regularly.