Welcome to the 9^th edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer advice questions from A+ members who submitted their questions into our A+ ask box because they wanted their questions answered in a space that is not accessible by Google, their mom, their ex, etc. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Previously, we have included such questions in our epic Some Answers to Some Questions You Have Been Asking Us, and in most cases that is still the plan. But some questions were a lot longer or more in-depth and deserved their own place in the sun. We’re doing this column bi-monthly.

We solicited answers from the whole team, so let’s dive in!

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Q1.

I haven’t really dated, but I feel like I wouldn’t feel comfortable dating and one of the main reasons for this is because I’ve never had sex. I’m worried about:

A) Being really really bad in bed
B) Not being seeing me as a ‘proper lesbian’ / someone thinking I’m just experimenting.

It’s left me in this cycle where I’m scared to date because I’ve never dated anyone before, and therefore continue to not date. I’m also wondering – should you tell the person you’re dating about your sexual experience (of or lack thereof aha) and if so when?

A.

Kayla: This was definitely me at one point, so I feel ya, especially about the idea of this vicious cycle of not dating because you haven’t dated and then… continuing not to date. And I can tell you from experience that the only way to get through this is to do it. If you want to date, you gotta date. Whether you disclose how much sexual experience you have or not is, in my opinion, up to you. If it would help you feel more comfortable for the other person to know, you can do that absolutely! And this part is important: If someone has an issue with your lack of experience, they are likely not a very kind person. And anyone who makes you feel like you’re “not a proper lesbian” because of lack of sexual experience is actively a mean person. Also, they’re wrong! But, you have no obligation to tell someone about not having sexual experience if you don’t want to. It’s good to talk with a sexual partner about wants and desires, so if it comes up as part of that conversation, it could be a good way to establish some boundaries and expectations. But I don’t think disclosure is obligatory in this area.

Valerie Anne: I agree with everything Kayla said as for advice (talking about it might help you feel better/anyone who says you’re not a proper lesbian for any reason at all isn’t worth dating/etc) and just wanted to offer some comraderie: I have had sex, but not very much of it and not for a very long time, and I’ve never properly dated anyone, so I too often worry about dating/sleeping with people because I’m afraid I’ll have like… forgotten how to do it. Which as I’m typing it feels very stupid but it’s a real fear I have and it has kept me from dating and I’m just saying I’m going to try to take Kayla’s advice and just get out there if you will okay? Okay. We got this.

Carmen: I just wanted to add my voice to this chorus! You are 100% not alone in not having lots of experience and anyone who would make you feel bad for it is not someone who is worth your time. Just take it one small, brave step at a time. You’re gonna do great!

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Q2.

A guy I work with ( I started a couple of months before him, at the same level) has just got a promotion and 15k pay rise. I know I am more technically competent than him because he often asks me for help, but maybe he has more insight / big ideas? It really fucking stings and hurts my ego and I don’t know if it’s that he’s better than me or institutional sexism / homophobia / pro oxbridge (I’m in the UK) bias. Fun! How do I deal with this and approach my manager about progression?

A.

Kayla: First of all, I’m so sorry that this happened to you. I think it’s very possible that there is some institutional sexism and homophobia at play here. That said, you’re unfortunately probably never going to get a real answer about that because an employer would never admit to illegal discrimination. That said, there is something you can do. Ask your manager why you were not considered for the promotion and the raise (or, if you were considered, why you didn’t ultimately get it). It can be hard to be that direct, but it will make your manager give you concrete answers about the decision (and if their answers sound kind of arbitrary, then maybe you have your real answer). If you’re planning on staying, ask if there are certain goals you can meet in order to be considered for a promotion the next time around. It’s okay to feel hurt by this situation!

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Q3.

Hello,

Do you have any advice for helping a friend who’s just left an abusive relationship? I’m currently trying my best to check in regularly, ensure they’re safe (the friend regularly jokes about the ex being a threat to their safety, and I can never tell how serious they’re being since the ex has been physically aggressive and destroyed property before), make sure that I prioritize said friend over the next few months so that they don’t get lonely, and try to check what the friend wants to talk about (i.e. if they want to talk about serious things or if they’d rather watch rubbish TV or make silly jokes). I don’t know how else I should help or be considerate?

Thanks,
Overly-enthusiastic-chaotic-mum -friend-who-just-wants-everyone-to-be-ok

A.

Rachel: Those are all such great ways to support your friend! I think any kind of social plans you can make with your friend, even just having a standing date to watch the Bachelor or something, would be great; if your friend has a consistently stable and safe social space with you, they can be more likely to feel ok about opening up about any more serious concerns or processing. It sounds to me like your head and heart are really in the right place already; it’s possible that your friend could use help with material support like meals, rides to places, a place to stay if they’re feeling like their home is unsafe, or help/support in accessing other resources. You can make it clear that you’re open to helping with that stuff, but also they may never need those things or never ask for them. I think being a stable and reliable presence in their life will go a long way on its own; abusive environments are chaotic, unpredictable, and exhausting; the more spaces and relationships your friend has that are consistent, safe, and restoring, the better.

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Q4.

Hey A-Team! So, I may have the world’s gayest dating “problem”. Two and a half years ago, I met my best friend – on a date with them. We did that sapphic “what is platonic affection” thing and dated for a little over a year, during which time we moved in together.

We eventually realized that the relationship was not romantic, but that we were still important to each other, and that we had a really good roommate dynamic. To that end, we stayed living together in my one-bedroom for the full year lease, moved to a two-bedroom together after that was over, and are now going to move to a new city where we don’t know anyone together. There is no romantic connection here, nor has there ever really been any sexual compatibility; we’re literally just really good friends. Both gay, but separately.

I’ve dated other people since breaking up with this friend, but those were mostly open relationships. I’m transitioning to a more monogamous mode of relationships (poly is great, but not for me at this juncture). Once we settle in this new city and I start dating people, when’s a good time/what’s a good way to be like, “Hey, I dated the person I live with for a while, but we figured out it just wasn’t right and there’s nothing there but friendship, so don’t worry about it”?

A.

Drew: Maybe someone else is going to disagree, but I think it can be brought up casually. I understand that it might be weird not to tell the new person, but it can be when you’re just talking about your living situation or when your roommate comes up in a story or something. Taking a serious moment to tell them gives it more weight than it needs to have. The real question, in my opinion, is how you’ll feel if it does bother them. It seems like a good litmus test whether someone is a jealous person or not! And you can decide whether this is a quality you’re okay with. As you said, this is a very gay problem, and so my assumption is most people will not be surprised by your history with your good friend/roommate, because sexual history is so common among queer friends.

Rachel: I agree with Drew! Mentioning it around when you bring up your roommate/bff in a chill way means that it won’t feel like a ‘reveal’ that you kept from them later on, and if it is going to be a problem for someone you date in any capacity, probably better to know sooner rather than later so you can both adjust – after all, it sounds like your roommate/bff is important to you, and it would be an ongoing issue if someone didn’t feel comfortable with them. I do think this is honestly a fairly common gay reality and a lot of people won’t think it’s a big deal at all (and might think it’s a positive! Much better this than someone whose exes have all cut them off or who says all their exes are crazy and they hate them, no?)

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Q5.

I’ve been thinking about this for years, so I’m not sure it qualifies as “pressing” but here is it: What do you do with butch/MOC bush? I know the obvious answer of “you do you, do what feels good, love yourself!” But literally, what do people do? I’m talking style/maintenance/amount of hair control. I don’t shave my legs and I’m pretty hairy so a lot of grooming seems weird, but I still haven’t figured out my style to achieve that “bush confidence.” Who’s got ideas?

A.

Laneia: You’re right about the obvious answer! Have you tried just a quick trim with an electric shaver thing? So not a full buzz cut but like, just getting everything the same general length, which is maybe not Nature’s Ultimate Length but still not Bald. Truly the world is your entire oyster and you can try every single thing that comes to mind and see what’s most comfortable! Have fun out there!

Carmen: Oh man, I so desperately want to say “You Do YOU” – but since you took that off the table, I’ll just say this: Electric shavers terrify me, so I would have a similar recommendation as Laneia, but using small scissors. I also recommend letting your hair grow free and just cleaning soap and water. Ironically I found my best “bush confidence” after I stopped trying to manipulate my bush at all and let it be itself.

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Q6.

My girlfriend has really bad arthritis and can’t use her fingers inside me long, and I’m not interested in her using a strap on on me. I need penetration to come. We’ve tried using vibrators, but she has a hard time holding dildos because of their base. Any recommendations? In a dream scenario there’d be something that would be closer to finger fucking as that’s really what I’m into. Any advice would be lovely!

A.

Archie: There’s options – don’t worry! It just means y’all gotta get adaptive in what toys and tools you all use! I suggest, if you two haven’t tried it, using a Liberator positioning tool to raise your hips up significantly while you get penetrated. This could help with her wrist pain as it changes the position her hands need to be in. You can also try a Hand Harness which could also possibly help. A Thigh Harness could be an option as well, it’ll allow for her hands to wander to all sort of fun places while also allowing penetration in a way that’s different than a strap-on. Perhaps using a finger extender could be an option as well. Lastly, I suggest toys with handles for penetration as it could alleviate some wrist pain for whoever is holding the toy. Like this one from Tatus or this one also from Tantus or This glass toy. I learned recently during a Fat Sex 101 Workshop lead by Angela Callais that the small insertable end of a toy like the Fun Factory Sharevibe also makes a great handle, and would be great for your girlfriend to hold/use while laying next to you. A toy with a handle that thrusts on it’s own, like this one, could also be an idea! Have fun!

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Q7.

I told a friend/coworker recently that I needed space from our friendship. At the time I initiated this split because I was very stressed due to my job, feeling really depressed and unstable mentally as a result, and just did not have the bandwidth to put into friendship. I needed to take care of myself.

Now that I’ve had some time away, I am realizing that I don’t miss this friendship, and I feel a ton better not being friends with this person. In reflecting further on the friendship, I am seeing many examples of how this person’s controlling behaviors stressed me out, and how our personalities are not compatible for long term friendship. After talking with my wife, I also learned that she was uncomfortable around this friend and that the friend had made offensive/racist “jokes” to my wife when we’d all hung out as a group. Looking back now, I can see how I totally glossed over this person’s “jokes” and explained them away because 1) I wasn’t brave enough to call them out in the moment and 2) I thought we had a real basis for friendship and that I would get a chance to confront this person later and have a more in depth/honest conversation about how those comments were hurtful and offensive.

Now I feel even more inclined to not reinstate this friendship – and I feel embarrassed and ashamed for not addressing this person’s shitty, ignorant comments in the moment. My wife insists she is not upset, and has more of a “good riddance to bad rubbish” mentality about this friend, like it’s not worth my time to even confront this person.

Do I have an obligation to go back to this ex-friend and say “hey just so you know, I’m not just taking a temporary break from our friendship, I don’t want to be friends with you at all any more and here’s why”? Since this person and I are coworkers, I worry about trying to keep peace at work and I worry about retaliation. Right now we are quiet/awkward/stiltedly polite around each other, but it is manageable. Is it enough to just never talk to this person outside of a work context ever again and ghost them in that way?

I feel badly that this person has the impression that my mental health issues are the *only* reason we aren’t hanging out anymore.

A.

Drew: You have absolutely no obligation to follow up with this person. It seems possible they’ll follow up with you so you may want to prepare what you’ll say if they do, but if they catch the hint then I think you should just move on. Friend break ups can be messier and harder to navigate than romantic ones, but I think creating healthy distance and hoping they don’t push back is always ideal.

Valerie Anne: I agree with Drew, I don’t think you have to reach out to give them an update to where you’re at, and if they do reach out, just have something ready to say that’s along the lines of, “This break helped me see we work better as coworkers than friends” or something. I know sometimes things can feel unresolved when you slowly back away from a relationship like this instead of a clean, clear break, but sometimes it’s better for everyone involved to let it fade into the sunset, and you have to try to make your own peace with it.

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Q8.

So I started dating one of my closest friends earlier this year, and we had a bit of a weird start. You know, the kind that involves her long-term relationship being open, then closed, then open again when we started dating? Yeah, so it’s that kind.

We dated for a couple of months with no problems, great communication, great sex, healthy boundaries, and the like. Then, unexpectedly, it felt like she started becoming emotionally manipulative for no reason, in ways that were incredibly triggering to me as a survivor of an abusive relationship. I pulled back quite a bit to deal with what I felt like was the possibility for shittiness, and we ended up breaking up, which I feel very strongly was the right decision for both of us.

Both of us want some distance – I’m very hurt by her actions, and she’s pretty mad at me for mine. The struggle is, our friend group is almost entirely overlapping. I have other friends, but the friends we share are some of my closest. How do I contend with still loving a person as a friend who was emotionally abusive to me in a relationship? What boundaries should I set about sharing my experiences in our relationship with our mutual friends? And finally, how can I be respectful with our mutual friends and help prevent “taking sides,” because I absolutely don’t want to split this friend group up?

Thank you, I really appreciate any advice that you can offer.

A.

Drew: Is there one person in your friend group who you’re especially close to or obviously closer to than she is? I think it might be helpful to have one person you can be fully open to even if you’re hesitant to share with the whole group. The fact that you’re worried about making your friends pick sides makes me trust that you’ll approach this in a way that’s more than fair to your ex and your friends. But I do think it’s equally important that you take care of yourself too and have someone to confide in.

As far as how to contend with your ex, I think that will probably just take time. A trust has been broken and feelings have been hurt and it makes sense that it’s too raw for you to just go back to the way things were. But hopefully if she really is a good friend, someday you’ll look back and just think, “Wow what a disaster it was when we tried to date!” That said, if her behavior crossed certain lines for you, I also think it’s fair to maintain a level of distance, if not literally then emotionally.

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Q9.

I am having some difficulties with my job. I work directly with teens as a public librarian. Recently we have been focusing on improving our programming and outreach for LGBTQ+ teens. The frustrating part of this is that one of my straight coworkers is being made the default leader on this project and many queer librarians (myself included) are being pushed to the background.

For example, there is a conference coming up in September at our local Pride Center for educators who work with queer youth. My boss automatically signed up my straight co-worker and I had to ask to go. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate that my coworkers are passionate about this and want to be good allies, but honestly it hurts and feels super invalidating when I have to fight my way into being included. I am afraid to say something because I feel like I will come off as being ungrateful, jealous, or gate-keeping. To add some clarification: My coworker is open about the fact that she is straight, I am openly queer and have made it explicitly known that I want to work on issues surrounding LGBTQ+ youth at work. The co-worker in question and I hold the exact same position so she does not outrank me work-wise.

A.

Rachel: This sounds to me like a situation to talk about your supervisor about! It’s possible your supervisor is trying not to make you the token working-with-queer-subjects person by virtue of your being queer and overcorrecting more than they think they are; regardless of their reason, I would try to have a conversation about it with them that assumes as much good faith as possible. You can say something like “Thanks for accommodating me when I asked to go to that queer conference along with [coworker]! I’m really interested in getting involved with more of that programming, actually, and would love to talk about what I can do to be the person or one of the people who spearheads it. I’m not sure whether maybe [coworker] has qualifications or is a good fit for in in ways I’m not aware of; if that’s the case, I’d love to work on those things so I can be doing this work, as it’s a priority to me professionally and personally.” If they demur, especially since you said you’ve made it clear before you’re interested in this stuff, you can ask directly “is there a reason I’m so far not being tapped to work on these things? If so, I’d love to talk about what I can do to change that, because it’s really important to me.”

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Q10.

Real Talk: Is it bad etiquette to wash your butt plug in the bathroom sink of your shared house?

I can’t think of anything technically wrong with it, but I still feel a little guilty watching flecks of poop (accompanied by lots of soap, I promise) go down the sink that all my housemates share.

A.

Archie: Wait, what’s the alternative here? Putting it in a little plastic baggie and carrying it to someone else’s house? Wash your butt plug! IMO that’s part of living in a shared space – you wash what you gotta wash all in the same bathroom. Who knows what your roommates are washing or doing in that bathroom anyway! Go for it!

Carolyn: Wash. Your. Buttplug. Then wash your hands. It’s chill I promise.

Valerie Anne: As long as you’re not washing it in the KITCHEN sink, it’s all good.

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Q11.

Hi, I have an 11 year old daughter who recently came out to me as Bisexual (I’m Bi too which has been useful, but I’ve had to make a conscious effort to not be too overwhelming as she’s still feeling awkward and hesitant about it!). My question is: Do you have any youtube channels/podcasts/websites or books you would recommend that cover age appropriate queer and sex/body positive stuff? Most of the YouTube channels I watch are queer, but are for an adult audience. I’m struggling to find anything that is direct and matter-of-fact (she’s put off by ‘kid friendly’ styles of presenting and would prefer a more adult style while still aimed at teens, a tricky combination!).

My own sex ed as a teenager was sadly lacking, I want her to be able to go into the world feeling confident to explore, have fun, but also be able to state her boundaries. We have always talked around consent (self and others) and checking in with other people’s needs while playing etc., so I’m hoping she has a good foundation to build on. It would great if I could point her in the right direction for additional support. We have puberty books which are OK, but I’ve not been happy with some aspects (periods for example, had tips on how to hide leak stains and advised that no one can tell you’re having your period – which on the surface seems there to help ease anxiety, but also seemed to present periods as something you should hide and not talk about). Anyway, I think what I’m trying to say is that I’m finding straight folks advice on such things still a bit lacking!

A.

Rachel: Wow, do I have great news for you — our own Isabella Rotman’s queer- and sex-positive guide to relationships and bodies with Heather Corinna just came out this month! Called “Wait, What?” it covers:

– Bodies, including puberty, body parts and body image
– Sexual and gender identity
– Gender roles and stereotypes
– Crushes, relationships, and sexual feelings
– Boundaries and consent
– The media and cultural messages, specifically around bodies and sex
– How to be sensitive, kind, accepting, and mature
– Where to look for more information, support and help

I’d also recommend Scarleteen, a great resource for people of all ages, founded by Heather Corinna and where Isabella is artist-in-residence. Scarleteen also has its own book, S.E.X., which is aimed more at a high school audience.

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Q12.

I’m about to start my senior year of college and my mom died three weeks ago. Help? Advice? Virtual hugs? I’ll take anything you’ve got.

A.

Molly: Hey! Welcome to your senior year of college. It can be a hinge time in your life, when you’re headed to the next phase and still grounded in the current phase. It’s exciting and can be overwhelming. But no emotion really compares to grief, which I’m sure you’re experiencing in tidal waves. I’m not sure what your history is with your mom, or what your mom’s medical history was, but losing a mom is a big deal, a major change. I’m so sorry for the pain that comes with it, and I’m sorry if you feel displaced or lost without her. I also hope that you have a good group of people around you, holding you up and supporting you. College is exciting and senior year is the big one, but listen to yourself and give yourself a break if you need it. Take care of you, whatever that looks like. When I’m grieving, I find that structure in my day keeps me going, so school could be that for you. I’d hug you if I could, and I hope you have plenty of folks doing that for you. Be honest with yourself when it comes to grief and your limits, and do whatever makes you happy.

Valerie Anne: *all of the virtual hugs*

Carmen: *every virtual hug you can handle*

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Q13.

Oral sex/eating people out is making my cheeks and chin break out like crazy! Any advice?

A.

Rachel: You are, anecdotally, not alone! I’ve heard this from a few people; my newest theory about it is that since the ideal pH balance for your face skin is “slightly acidic” at about 5.5 pH and the pH of a vulva is usually lower than that, between 3.5 and 4.5, that it’s because the acid mantle of your skin is getting a little out of whack, in this case more acidic than it should be. If you’re using any acid-based skincare, like chemical exfoliants, I would chill out on them a little if possible; you can also try using a pH-balancing toner or cleanser like this one after cleansing. Anecdotally, sometimes taking probiotics internally can also help!

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Q14.

I’m feeling like I don’t have any strong direction for what to do with my life. I just finished a terrible grad program, I haven’t found a job, keep getting rejected, and I don’t feel very connected to the people I thought were my community. I have one close friend (who is also maybe kinda my crush, too). I can imagine the kind of community and abundant love I desire, and the community related jobs I would love to do. How do I make that less a dream and more my reality?

A.

Drew: I think we’ve all felt this way at one time or another. I know I have. There are times in life where we just feel stuck and getting unstuck seems impossible. The good news is it’s very possible! The bad news is sometimes it just takes time. But there are ways to be active in this change! This year when I moved to a new city and felt pretty lost I tried to focus on going out and saying yes to things. If there are queer-specific activities in your city that interest you, go to them! If there are other activities connected to other interests, go to those. It can take a lot of emotional energy to put yourself out there like that, but I really think it’s worth it. Sometimes you’ll go to something and it will be a bust but sometimes you can meet the exact people you’re searching for. I tried to check in with myself and balance what I was feeling up to. But when I did decide to go out I really committed to talking to people and accepting a certain amount of awkwardness. And I’ve found at most events there are a lot of people wishing someone would talk to them and rescue them from their own awkward feelings. Good luck! And more than anything just go easy on yourself and remember no time in life is permanent.

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Q15.

Any recommendations on how to turn compliments about my clothes into a conversation (and maybe more)? I’m a very femme trans woman who has zero luck on dating apps and is too introverted to go out to bars or events often, so dating has been a complete non-starter. That said, when I’m out I often get complimented on my dresses or my outfits and I always just say “Thank you!” – but I’m realizing that I’m maybe squandering conversation opportunities.

A.

Archie: Compliments and questions are the best way to meet new folks! Try complimenting them in turn (in a genuine way) and then ask them a question. Compliment on an item of clothing or their shoes or their hair style and ask where they got it done/found the item. Then introduce yourself and ask how their night is going. I’d then try to keep the conversation going by asking if they just got off work, are enjoying the music, if they’ve been to this particular bar/event before–also I ask if they’re there with friends and if so (and you’re feeling bold) you can ask if you can join and then you’ve met a whole bunch of folks!

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Q16.

Is there a way to write a Bumble or generic app profile that works for both dating AND BFF modes? Moving to a new place and my attitude is basically “I want to meet new people and have fun, and if we make out, we make out.”

A.

Archie: I think you literally wrote your profile in this very question! “I’m new and I’m down for dating or palships! I want to meet people and have fun, and if we make out RAD and if we don’t, I love friendship too!”

Rachel: I think you can absolutely do this! You can say that verbatim; you can also try to sketch out more concretely what you think you might be looking for in a makeout partner as opposed to a friend (if you know you’re looking for a top, someone of a particular presentation, someone who can make shadow puppets, whatever) and then say “while that’s what I’m hoping for in a date, I’m really looking to make friends too, and really want someone to go to bowling/trivia/the museum with!” to kind of manage expectations and help people decide whether they want to make a connection.

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Q17.

I don’t know what to do about my mom.

I grew up in what I later realized was a borderline emotionally abusive household. Eventually I moved out, got married to someone with whom I have a very emotionally healthy relationship. I’ve grown a lot and am in therapy and medicated for my depression and I am much less defensive and emotionally explosive. It’s a relief.

Both my sister and I are queer (my primary partner is a man). Obviously growing up religious that hasn’t been the easiest. I came out to myself only about 4 or 5 years ago and slowly have come out to most of the other people in my life, including my parents. Of my parents I told my mom first. She asked the usual ignorant questions that straight people ask of bisexual women, but mostly she seemed supportive and I was relieved. My sister came out shortly after.

It seemed like she’d grown a lot over the past few years so I had decided to try harder to have a genuine relationship with her rather than keeping her at a distance like I had been. We went for dinner last week. She spent most of our time together complaining that she sees her friends’ photos on Facebook with their very lovely, Instagram influencer looking kids and grandkids. It felt like she was telling me that she wished I looked and behaved more like those people, so she would also have those photos to post and it just pissed me off so much. I don’t think she realized how insulting she was being but she went on and on about it. Even showing me the photos so I could really compare. This is among other issues such as monitoring how much of my meal I ate and bragging about how little of hers she finished. But I was trying to let these things roll off me.

But then I forgot her birthday. I knew it was coming, but it was a long weekend where I am and I got messed up about what day it was and just spaced on it entirely. I feel horrible. As soon as I realized I tried calling (she didn’t answer) and sent some texts. She called me back later and we spent what felt like an eternity on the phone while she sobbed about how hurt she was.

She told me that me not wishing her “Happy Birthday” told her that I didn’t love her. That I didn’t want her in my life. It was just like when I was a kid and had forgotten to take the laundry out of the washer or grumbled about a curfew and this was somehow a referendum on our entire relationship and my worth as a human being.

And I just can’t get over this. I know that no one is obligated to forgive another person, but I cannot fathom saying something like that to your daughter over missing your birthday by a single day. Particularly when I’ve readily given her my forgiveness for what I feel are much larger, more traumatic events.

I’ve encouraged her countless times to go to therapy but she always resists. I just don’t know if I can deal with this explosiveness any more, I don’t know if I should keep trying to have a relationship with her.. None of my other relationships are this fraught. I’m a human being and fuck up all the time like anyone, but with other people I care about we always acknowledge the hurt, work to do better, and move forward. It’s never a case of “you did this so you don’t love me,” and as much as I don’t want to absolve myself of my part in this, I can’t believe it’s just me when I’m not having these problems elsewhere in my life.

I am the asshole for forgetting her birthday, but am I being unreasonable? Is she beyond changing and should I just invest my energy elsewhere?

A.

Drew: Oof this hits me hard. The thing about having a hypercritical, emotionally abusive parent is they’re right sometimes. Because, as you said, we’re human. So we make mistakes! But their reaction to these mistakes is not right. And you clearly know this, which is amazing. Now it’s just a question of how to move forward. I’ve been trying to navigate similar boundaries for myself and I don’t think there’s a clear answer. I know people who have cut a family member out of their life completely and I understand that’s what’s right for some people, but I also think it’s equally valid to find a compromise. I think it’s possible to keep your mother in your life while acknowledging her treatment of you, taking distance when you need it, and being clear the work you’re willing to put in and the work you’re not willing to put in. It’s a difficult balance, but if it’s worth it to you, I think it’s possible. And if it’s not worth it to you – that’s okay too.

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Q18.

Is it okay to label yourself as a lesbian when you’re actually bisexual? Due to some traumatic experiences, I’m too afraid of men to actually be in a relationship with a guy, even if I’m attracted to them. I don’t want to contribute to bi erasure, but this is ripping me apart. I wish I could just sweep my feelings for men under the rug and make them go away. Also, shout-out to the bi/pan community! You are so valid and loved!!!

A.

Rachel: Hello friend! You are also valid and loved! I have a lot of thoughts on this, personally, and there is no one right answer. You are allowed to identify as however you identify! There is no identity police; no one will come to your home and take away your card. I have friends who identify as bi who date only women and nonbinary people; I have friends who identify as lesbians who date women, nonbinary people and trans men; I have friends who have changed how they identify (and so have I); all of them have been allowed to keep their queer operating licenses.

As per your specific question — well, I feel complicated about it for myself personally! I have heard from a lot of lesbian friends that an important part of lesbianism for them is rejection of men as potential partners and building a romantic and sexual life that isn’t about men, and so in that sense that seems really resonant and makes sense to me in terms of what you’re talking about! On the other hand, as a bi-ID’d woman I have to say that it feels frustrating to me that understandings of whether someone is ‘truly’ bisexual or not so often center around their attitudes towards men specifically — the frequency with which women say that they don’t ID as bi because they don’t plan to date men seems to imply on some level that dating or sleeping with men (or wanting to) is understood to be fundamental to what being bisexual is or means, and… it isn’t! I want to empower you to identify however feels most authentic to you, and ALSO to give yourself space to explore and imagine what bisexuality might mean for you outside of a dynamic with men specifically — what it could look or feel like for you to be bisexual relationally, socially, culturally, sexually, etc that isn’t in a dynamic with men. What could it mean to date women or nonbinary people as a bisexual? To form a relationship structure? To participate in culture and political discourse? Just some thoughts! This person’s question was different than yours, but I touched on some of the same questions in this piece!

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Q19.

How does one go to a strip club as a queer agender femme who has never gone to a strip club before? I want to treat sex workers well! How much do I tip! I don’t want to get harassed by cishet men! Where do I even go! How does one find a strip club in the first place! (I’m in NYC. Also, very confused and nervous but also horny and gay.)

A.

Molly: Here’s my advice, from being a confused, nervous, horny gay to another: Be respectful! Appreciate the talent on display! Keep your hands to yourself unless the dancer tells you otherwise! Sit at the rail and shower them with dollar bills! If you get a lap dance, ask the dancer before she starts about her rules, what she’d like from you, and how you can keep her comfortable! Tip her a lot afterward! Cishet men don’t seem to notice other strip club patrons in my experience, and if they do, the dancers have been quick to shut them down. I can’t promise that that will be your experience, but it’s been mine! Also, compliments are important. I also really love watching the dancers take money from men, even if they’re also taking it from me. I’ve never regretted a dollar spent at a strip club.

Carmen: Everything Molly said. And always TIP WELL. Dancing is hard work!

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Q20.

Any advice on how to figure out what I want in a partner? Any suggestions for exercises or something to help articulate desires to myself, so I can pursue them?

A.

Molly: The way I did this was by dating. I found a lot of what I didn’t want, and each of those experiences actually translates to finding out what I DID actually want, because it wasn’t that. Dating really helped me hone my search for the right person because I found enough of who that person is not. Another way you could do it is picture yourself in 10 years with a partner you’ve always dreamed of: what are they doing that you like? How important or things to you like trust, honesty, monogamy/polyamory, personal drive, types of attraction, level of therapy achieved, employed, etc.?

Rachel: I’d also add that there are lots of opportunities to look around at other relationships, whether they’re in your personal life or in media etc, and think about how they do or don’t apply to you. When a friend is describing how their partner handles arguments or makes plans for their birthday, do those sound good to you? Why or why not? If you’re watching a TV show with a relationship dynamic, does it seem exciting or interesting to you, or horrifying? What makes it seem good or bad to you? You can pay attention to the platonic or nonromantic relationships in your life as a way of getting a sense of what makes you feel loved or feel trust in someone — is it really important to you that your friends be consistent and keep their plans? Do you like having friends who are spontaneous and initiate trips or activities? Do you hate that your mom is passive-aggressive, and so maybe you’d prefer to date someone with a direct confrontation style? You could also try things like taking the love language quiz to find out how you like to be cared for!

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Q21.

Hi!!! I have a question about how not to upset my bisexual pal with my relentless talk about how cis men suck as there is a very good chance she will wind up dating one of them. It is so ingrained into my vernacular and for me is a coping mechanism I developed after coming out (like there is power in saying, “not only am I not dating you anymore… fuck you entirely”), but perhaps the pendulum of loathing has swung too far and there is a more nuanced way to convey my irritation with The Patriarchy at LARGE.

I recently apologized to her after realizing that I had been doing this during our hang earlier in the day, and she acknowledged that yes, I was too down on the potential men she might end up with, but also she is used to it from the queer community and she just shrugs it off (HEARTBREAKING! I DO NOT WANT THIS FOR HER OR OUR FRIENDSHIP!). If my friend dated a cis man I would embrace him with open arms, I am sure, due to the fact that she is a woman of high expectations and incredible taste, but also like very generally and most of time… . f*ck cis men. How y’all acknowledge that most cis men are in fact often the worst without making your bi pals feel othered?

A.

Molly: There are a lot of reasons to distrust cishet white men and the patriarchy, you’re not wrong there! However, when we get into our friendships and relationships, it’s important to remember about individuals instead of groups as a whole. When my bi friends date cis men, I only ask a few questions: Is he as smart as you are? How does he treat your dog/cat? Are you getting the orgasms you want? Anything else doesn’t really matter in the long run. If your friend is happy with cis men, it’s on you to check yourself and be open to treating them as unique individuals, instead of the blanket group of cishet white men. She is a woman of high expectations and incredible taste, so give her the respect of her own agency and trust that the men she discusses with you have already passed basic inspection. Support and love your friends. It’s not like you have to fuck her boyfriends! You just have to be there for her and show her you’re her friend no matter who she’s dating.

Rachel: It’s a complicated line to walk, because while you’re right, this can sometimes feel shitty, on a personal level it has often also felt shitty to me when people make a big deal of going easy on men around me because it feels like they assume I sympathize with or feel solidarity with men in some way because I’m bi, or that I’m conflated in their head with men as a group — I don’t have warm feelings toward men as a group either, and often have even more reason to criticize or fear men than my lesbian friends do. I would try to follow the same rules you do when talking about anything and wanting to be sensitive to subjective experiences around it — use “I” statements as much as you can rather than blanket statements (“I really hate having to report to Kevin at work, he’s so condescending”) and center things in the reality of your own experiences. And also, make room for your friends to talk about their experiences with men and listen compassionately and nonjudgmentally, whether they’re good or bad! Make room for your friend to talk about her feelings about men, dating as a bi woman, or her relationship to the idea of dating men in general, and try to avoid any presumptions about what her feelings are about those things. Make room for her to talk about her feelings and concerns about dating other genders, too, and other parts of bi experience!

To be honest, often I’ve watched friends or acquaintances stress out a lot about how they’re representing their feelings about men to me when there was some other layer of microaggression or misunderstanding about being bi that they were actually engaging in but didn’t even notice because it wasn’t centered around dating men. Listen and make space, in general, and if you can make a space where your friend feels truly comfortable you can learn a lot about what really makes her, specifically, feel safe or heard or seen!

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Q22.

I’m in my early twenties and happily single and mingling. I’ve tried online dating, but personally I prefer meeting people in person. I go to a lot of queer bars and events, and I like to put myself out there and talk to people. I’ve met a lot of cool women and we’ll have really interesting conversations and sometimes a smooch.

They’ll give me their number and say we should hang out again, but when I text them they don’t respond. This has happened many times where I meet someone in person who seems interested in getting to know me, but then they don’t answer when I actually text them like I say I will! Am I going about this the wrong way? Or do queer people my age not like to meet IRL anymore? I would appreciate any insight!

A.

Kayla: What I love about this question is that right in it, you say what you want and what you like. You want to meet people in person, and you want it to turn into actual dates. So say that. When you meet someone and ask for their number, be very clear about why you’re asking for it. Tell them that you’re going to follow up soon and that you would like to set up an actual date. People appreciate forwardness! People will appreciate that you’re not playing games like asking for a number and then waiting a certain number of days to follow up. In this situation, you also give people a chance to maybe say that’s not what they’re looking for right now, and while that might be disappointing, it’s still better to get that out earlier instead of later when you’re following up and not hearing back. Queer people in their early 20s definitely still like to meet IRL! Online dating isn’t for everyone. And by being up front about your wants and expectations, you’re gonna be more likely to find people who want the same things as you.

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Q23.

Hi all.

I’ve been with my girlfriend for about two years. We live together. Many aspects of our relationship are great and it’s definitely a safe, stable home and environment. An issue I keep having (and one I’m talking about in therapy) is that I feel frustrated that my girlfriend just isn’t as enthusiastic or engaged as I am. I do almost all of the planning, whether it’s a trip or choosing a restaurant for dinner, and I also initiate like 90% of sex/intimacy. She is generally agreeable and says that she appreciates me and thanks me, but I often feel deflated, or like she isn’t really “seeing” all of the labor that goes into what I do. In the big picture, I definitely am an organized person and I find planning fun, but I now feel frustrated that my girlfriend never really takes initiative or expresses strong feelings about stuff either way. It’s like she’s “along for the ride” but I feel like I’m pulling her teeth to get insight on what she *really* wants to do. It feels like all of the pressure is on me.

When I’ve talked to her about it, she’ll say she understands where I’m coming from, but that it’s just the way she is. It’s not a blow-up fight, but it just sort of dies off and I find myself circling up with these feelings again when it’s the next thing (a hike, a museum, a restaurant, etc…)

I’ve also struggled with codependency in a past relationship, so I’m trying to look out for that in myself too. I want to make sure I’m not being unreasonable or putting too much emphasis in this one area because of my own issues, I guess.

Thank you!

A.

Riese: Hello fellow codependency struggler! I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all!
I think if what’s going on here is exactly what you’ve named — that you don’t feel she appreciates the labor you put in — then talk about areas where she *could* put in labor to make you feel more balanced and not like you’re slipping into codependent behaviors. If that’s just how she is, okay, but … consider this I could say I hate washing dishes and that’s “just the way I am,’ but like… someone has to do the dishes, right? So if I’m putting that on my partner, I need to take something off their plate. The fact that you enjoy organizing and making decisions is great, but gestures are important — I’ve had a relationship where I was like “of course she does all the cooking, she loves to cook and i work 12 hours a day!” but eventually learned that the gesture of cooking once a week or getting groceries for dinner or taking on other household chores was still important to make my partner feel valued, even though they enjoyed the task they were doing. Bonus: I felt WAY better about myself once i started pitching in more. I had so much less guilt! I also learned to make one (1) pasta dish. I think she might feel that way too!

But there might be other things going on:

1. The current situation doesn’t make you feel like she’s as engaged in the relationship and dedicated to its success as you are. If this feels true to you, then I’d suggest (surprise!) just talking to her about it — are there other ways she can show her affection and interest making your relationship a successful one, or to make you feel appreciated in areas where she does have skills or interests?
2. You want to feel like the things you do together are things she’s equally excited about as you are, or even moreso. Because that’s… simply, fun and exciting. You want to have more fun and be more excited. Personally, I’ve felt really great to know that I’ve planned an event for a partner that they were super stoked about — I want to participate in brightening their lives and learning more about their interests. It’s ok for you to want that! She must like… something, right? Like there’s gotta be a cuisine she prefers or an activity she enjoys?
3. You’re disappointed by her lack of interest in / passion for the activities of life and the cuisines of the world. Which means you have to consider if this is the kind of person you want to be with long term.
4. You feel pressure — you wonder if you’d do anything fun if you weren’t planning the fun things. If that’s the case then … she just has to step up. Maybe that’s not her comfort zone but sometimes relationships can challenge us to step outside of our comfort zone in good ways.

W/r/t sex, it’s definitely fair to feel weird about always initiating — you want to feel desired, right? I think some relationships function really well with that dynamic — where one person WANTS to be the initiator and the other wants to be desired. But if you want her to initiate sometimes then I think the only way to change that is to talk about it. :-/ It could turn out that you have mismatched desire, which PROBABLY a sexpert could address better than I could right now, but I think it’s a whole ‘nother can of worms.

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Q24.

Hey! I’ve had a couple of friends who currently identify as bi, and have for a long time, who recently disclosed to me that they’re questioning their sexuality/ whether they are actually attracted to guys at all. I’m really conscious that they might be worried about seeming to fulfil biphobic stereotypes, and as a lesbian (who is working hard on getting rid of my own internalised biphobia) I’m wondering how I can best respond to these disclosures? I want support my friends while they’re questioning and potentially coming out as a new identity. Any thoughts?

A.

Molly: You’ve pretty much answered your question in your question when you say, “I want to support my friends while they’re questioning and potentially coming out.” That’s all you have to do! They don’t need your personal insights on cishet white men, they just want you to say, “Hey, whatever you decide, I’m here for you!” If they want to talk through fulfilling biphobic stereotypes, you just listen. If they ask for your opinion, you say, “I want whatever makes you happy, because you’re my friend and I love you.”

Rachel: This is a really loving and compassionate question, thank you for thinking about how to support your friends in this way! I think one thing you can do is try to avoid being prescriptive or launching into diagnosis — from your question I don’t necessarily think you feel an urge to do that anyway, but I think as much as your friends might want you to, in some moments, tell them what you think they “really are,” I would try to avoid that and instead ask caring and exploratory questions — “how does that make you feel? What do you think that’s about? How do you feel when you think about X? What about Y?” and be a supportive sounding board for them to figure their own stuff out. If they ask and you feel comfortable with it, I think you can talk about yourself — what lesbianism feels like to you, what attraction feels like, or how you came to your own identity and its narrative.

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Q25.

My longterm girlfriend and I decided to break up recently and I think it’s the right decision for me, but I still have so much love in my heart for her. I have super wonderful and supportive friends, but I need to figure out how I’m going to exist alone as well. Please share any advice! This is the hardest break up I’ve gone through. How can I remind myself that we may never get back together, even if she tells me she is open to working things out in the future?

A.

Kayla: Unfortunately, more often than not, when we break up with someone, our feelings don’t just go away in an instant. Lingering love for a person is such a big part of why breakups hurt so badly! I’m sorry that you’re going through this. This can be very hard, but the key to grappling with a breakup like this one is to find the right balance between moving forward and also acknowledging the pain of losing this relationship. It’s okay to mourn the relationship and to feel very fucking sad, but you can’t get stuck in that place. And unfortunately, it’s really easy to get stuck in that place when it seems like the door could be open to restarting that relationship in the future.

Here’s the thing: We can’t predict the future. Your ex says she’s open to working things out in the future, but that’s not a guarantee, unfortunately. And unless you want to feel stuck or indefinitely wait things out for this person, you can’t plan your future based on this nebulous promise. Sometimes couples get back together after a breakup; sometimes they don’t, and because two people’s wants and feelings are involved, there are just so many variables. Mourn the end of your relationship, because even if things restart with this person, it will likely look like a whole new relationship. You don’t have to start dating other people if you’re not ready yet. You say you want to “figure out how to exist alone,” and yes, I think some semblance of independence is important in the wake of a breakup, but definitely don’t confuse relying on friends with a lack of independence. Again, I’m sorry. Breakups fucking suck and can feel very isolating, even though they’re a common and frequent life experience. Don’t feel bad if you feel an urge to talk it out with your friends often. Just remember to center yourself as you look toward your future and not get too stuck thinking about the What Ifs.

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Q26.

Hey all! So I have never been good at communicating my feelings, particularly those I find embarrassing – like when I have feelings for someone. However, I made a new best friend about a year ago that really helped me start moving past this. He made his unconditional support of me so clear that I trusted him completely and told him more about my feelings than anyone else in the world. Including when I really liked this girl that’s a friend of ours.

Last night, we were all drunk at a club and he made out with her in front of me and also another friend who he knows is crushing hard on him. I know people do dumb shit when they’re drunk, but that was so oppositional to everything I thought I knew about him, his values and our friendship. I feel really betrayed because he worked really hard to convince me to put so much trust in him and now I have no idea where to go from here. Our friendship was everything to me (and he was constantly telling me it was to him to).

Advice would be thoroughly appreciated. I’ve never had a fight with a friend in my life so this is very intense and new.

A.

Molly: Hello and welcome to conflict! It’s not comfortable, rarely pretty, not fun. It sounds like you’ve got a lot of experience with your friend before this incident, and that somehow all of those experiences still feel like they weigh less than this one moment in your friendship. Feelings are real, but they’re not facts — you feel betrayal and that’s real, but does it really mean everything you’ve known about your friend is really a lie? That might be where you could start with a conversation with him. If your friendship is as strong as you say it is, talking to him directly about this is a good move. Will it maybe feel embarrassing because of how you don’t like to emote out loud? Sure. But is that worse than losing a friend to embitterment and resentment that’s never discussed? I don’t know! People make mistakes, I’ve made MANY, and I’ve also been forgiven many times. To me, it comes down to intent: What was his intention in making out with her? Was it to hurt you? These are questions you can ask in friendships, I promise! Good luck!

Valerie Anne:I agree with Molly that you have to talk to him. I think his response will answer a lot of these questions. If he’s apologetic or understanding of your feelings, there’s room to talk it out and work things through — any friendship worth having is going to hit speed bumps and require recalibration now and then. Feelings will be hurt and boundaries have to be set. And you adjust and take a step back and then try again, moving forward, together. It’s just important to realize the difference between a mistake here and there and a pattern of hurtful behavior. People make dumb decisions when they’re drunk, sure. But if he’s shrugging off your feelings about this, that’s not cool. And if he IS apologetic but then does something about this again…it might be worth examining the friendship more closely. That said, it’s very possible this was one mistake and he does feel really bad about it, and it’s worth having that uncomfortable conversation to find out.

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Q27.

My girlfriend who I love has been dealing with a lot of stress from a combination of work, family, etc. lately. She chooses to deal with this by herself, but I can tell it’s getting to be too much for her to handle. I hate seeing her suffering, and I hate not being able to do anything about it. I’ve suggested numerous times she seek a therapist, but she always rejects that idea, saying she doesn’t need one and has always been able to carry her burdens by herself. How do I get through to her that she doesn’t need to struggle alone?

A.

Kayla: It is very likely that your girlfriend’s unwillingness to let others help her comes from a deep-rooted place that has nothing to do with you and was a pattern in place long before you. It’s possible that she hasn’t even unlocked exactly where it stems from. The next time she says she doesn’t need your help or anyone else’s, if you’re comfortable with it, maybe ask why she feels that way. It could get her thinking a bit more about where it comes from and open up a good conversation. Or she might say she doesn’t know, and that’s okay, too. You can’t force people to explain all of their behaviors, even when those behaviors seem actively self-sabotaging.

It’s good to offer general help and ask people if they need anything, but also since she does seem to have a pattern of not wanting to rely on others, it might be helpful to be even more specific with your asks. Something like “hey, I’m running errands today, is there anything you need me to pick up” or offering to do household tasks that might lighten her load. Some people are just never going to ask for help, unfortunately, so sometimes you just have to help out in little ways (that aren’t intrusive) without being asked. On the therapy front, someone has to choose therapy for themselves. It’s certainly not a bad thing to encourage a partner to do therapy (I think everyone benefits from therapy), but if you’re asking/suggesting multiple times and she always gives the same answer, it could come off as pushy—even if it comes from a good place—and might frustrate your girlfriend. If you’re in therapy yourself, one thing you can do to make her feel a little more comfortable about the topic is to talk to her about yourself and your own experiences and what you’ve gotten out of it, focusing on you instead of pushing her into something she doesn’t seem ready for.

Rachel: I really agree with Kayla, and also would love to lovingly dig into a little bit what you and your girlfriend both mean by “help” or “carry burdens.” I think we can get locked into what support has historically looked like for us/our own love language, and then get frustrated and confused when someone doesn’t want us to provide for them in the specific way that we want to be provided for ourselves. It’s possible that what helps you get through hard stuff — cuddles, or processing your feelings, etc etc — genuinely isn’t what’s helpful for your girlfriend in tough times or feels good right now, and it isn’t a matter of “getting through” to her about this specific thing in this specific way. (Although I agree that therapy is almost universally a good idea, regardless of love language, the truth is that if someone doesn’t want to be there, it doesn’t do that much.) It’s possible there are other things that don’t feel as natural or supportive to you, but would feel more genuinely helpful for your girlfriend — maybe having some of her household chores taken off her plate until this work crisis is over, or having you institute a standing Twilight-Zone-and-nachos night where you don’t talk about work at all, or getting a half hour of silent alone time to decompress when she gets home from work each day. Maybe there’s a way to have a conversation that starts something like “I know this week is gonna be really hard with work; what can I do that will make it easier?”