Did you know I was the first kid in America to eat a Lunchable? No, it’s true! Listen to me, it’s true! Lunchables came to whole U.S. in 1989, but actually they existed in Washington state in 1988, but even before that — all the way back in 1985 — Oscar Meyer was figuring out how to make Lunchables a thing. My grandpa was like the President of Meat at some giant meat company and so he brought home the earliest Lunchables to test out on me and my sister.
This was obviously way before you could get Capri-Suns or Kool-Aids in Lunchables, and before people started worrying about feeding kids balanced meals at lunchtime, and it was just one little sandwich meat stack and one little cheese stack and one little cracker stack. I don’t like sandwich meats really and never have, but I’ll tell you what I do like and that’s cheese. I forkin’ love cheese. And as an expert in the field — by which I mean: a person who eats a lot of cheese, goes often to an establishment literally called Bier and Cheese, and was, as I have stated, the Original Lunchables Child — I feel it is my duty to rank cheeses and fight you about it.
And that is how we shall spend our Friday afternoon.
Cheeses, ranked
33. String
32. American
31. Cottage
30. Cream
29. Limburger
28. Manchego
27. Ricotta
26. Stilton
25. Swiss
24. Provolone
23. Mozzarella
22. Camembert
21. Wensleydale
20. Edam
19. Gorgonzola
18. Monterey Jack
17. Reblochon
16. Feta
15. Nacho
14. Goat
13. Havarti
12. Mascarpone
11. Buratta
10. Gouda
9. Roquefort
8. Parmasean
7. Halloumi
6. Gruyére
5. Pecorino Romano
4. Fontina
3. Asiago
2. Brie
1. Cheddar
Now then, let me make a sandwich and I will meet you back here to argue about cheese.
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