We’re taking our Bad Behavior to A+ to get down to the nitty gritty about our deviance. This week we asked our writers, editors and staff: What types of relationship situations or people are you often drawn to even though you know they’re bad for you and will destroy you?
You know the kind; they make you weak in the knees and then before you know it, they’ve sucker-punched your heart. The twist is we keep falling for the same trap over and over again. Who do you gravitate towards but know ultimately they’re downright no good for you?
Al(aina), Staff Writer
I am drawn to relationships that end up being codependent. I think that many black people (and I only date black people) are taught “family is the only thing you can rely on” as a sort of cultural way to shield ourselves from white supremacy. It was also popular in Christian circles when I was growing up to teach that couples should only speak to and rely on each other for emotional support. These are hard to unlearn, and as someone who naturally doesn’t find sharing my feelings with friends easy, it’s convenient to have one person who I unload everything onto. It’s a bad look. We become this insular unit where one of us (usually me) stops wanting to be social outside of the home because I can just have someone I really like come over. But eventually, it gets too uncomfortable, it becomes dangerous, I become manipulative, and probably low-key abusive. Coincidentally, I have been single for 7 years and I am always the one who gets broken up with.
Alexis, Staff Writer
S I N G E R S. The first girl I fell hard as shit for was the lead in a lot of musicals which explains why I have done five times more theatre than originally planned and also for a while believed I’d major in theatre? Anyways. You can sing? You sing to me??? It’s over. I’m done. There is nothing else I can do I’m in love with you and we’re just gonna have to deal with this. I know you’re thinking, but, Alexis, so many pretty and handsome and everywhere in between can sing? And you’re right! And do you see my problem??? As soon as someone starts humming, I just walk my ass the other way.
And like less than I used to but also, those lesbians who lean too hard in the “I gotta be like a straight man in order to properly be a lesbian” because I will be enamored by your swagger long enough to fall into the trap of “there’s probably something softer hiding underneath” and I can get to it if I wait it out instead of realizing that if you’re talking like a misogynist and acting like a misogynist, odds are, you’re an asshole. And if I don’t properly prepare myself against pet names you use to get me to believe whatever you did wasn’t really *that* bad, I will remain under this curse.
Heather Hogan, Senior Editor
Like basically every other kid who grew up with a parent who had an untreated narcissistic personality disorder and various un-dealt-with addictions, I spent the majority of my life thinking that the actions, reactions, and feelings of everyone around me were my fault/responsibility. And like basically every kid who grows up with dysfunctional family dynamics, the roles I was forced to play with my parents are the roles I gravitated toward in romantic relationships in my early adulthood. I dated people who were all about criticism and accusations, denial and projections, constant “martyrs,” and who withheld affection and communication as a form of punishment whenever I said or did anything that challenged their perception of themselves as good or right. I knew these people were bad for me, but I didn’t know exactly how or why, and I kept dating them and befriending* them over and over and over. Getting into relationships with narcissists was as easy to me as slipping into my favorite pajamas. It was just what I knew.
(*I say befriending but what I mean is getting into toxic, deeply intimate, definitely romantic, but nonsexual relationships with straight girls.)
In my mid-/late-twenties this perfect storm of things happened. I realized I’m gay, started therapy, and left church. For the first time in my life, I began trying to understand who I was and where I started and where I ended and where other people began.
In the last ten years or so, I have been the opposite of drawn to people who’ve tried to force me into repeating those patterns of my youth and early adulthood. Repelled, in fact. To a fault, though. I still haven’t really found balance with it. People who can’t or won’t self-reflect and work to get better, people who refuse to take responsibility for how their actions and inactions affect others in their orbit, people who expect an unwritten pact of silence so their fragile sense of self remains unchallenged, people who have erratic outbursts, people who do not practice active empathy — once I realize what’s going on with them (though, admittedly, it often takes a minute because of my childhood conditioning; plus, I am such an easy target for narcissists) I am completely done with them.
I don’t think that’s a good thing. I don’t think shutting myself off from anyone who displays any character trait that reminds me of my mother is the best or wisest or most compassionate way to move through the world — but it’s the only way I know how to protect myself. When I cut you out of my life, you are out of my life. Me and Mr. Darcy have social anxiety and this in common: Our good opinions once lost are lost forever! I’ve worked reaaaaaallllly hard to deconstruct my kryptonite and I don’t want to spend my one wild and precious life getting sucked into vacuums of other people’s narcissism.
Erin, Staff Writer
I think before I got into a long-term relationship that destroyed me mentally and emotionally and therefore going forward truly all bets are off in terms of what I’m looking for in a person or relationship, it seemed I was drawn to women whose pendulums were at that brief pause before swinging swiftly back in the other direction of wanting to date men. What was – and probably will be again – crushing about this is not the dating men part. We’re all god’s children under flags of various colors. It’s the kind of men. Just dopey, doofy men. Tragic. If a crush starts dating a hot woman, I’m like, obviously. Good for them. Of course she would. But when it’s someone whose entire instagram is them just slamming PBRs and playing video games, I ache. So, women who date terrible men seem to be my thrill and will probably lead to my ultimate demise.
Creatrix Tiara, Staff Writer
I once stayed in an abusive relationship way, way too long because we were living together, and as a foreigner (specifically an international student) I knew it was already harder for me to find a place to live on my own. I could have just kicked her out, but she was also very vulnerable (with a long history of homelessness and living off Social Security — I covered most of the rent) and I didn’t want to put her in an unsafe situation, even when she was making OUR living situation unsafe. In not wanting to be the abusive, heartless girlfriend, I over-accommodated her abuse and heartlessness.
I’ve only lived with one other partner (before her, that one was generally fine) so I don’t know if this counts as “kryptonite” per se. But it’s still hard for me to figure out how to balance wanting to be aware of structural inequalities (that lead to, say, homelessness) and wanting to protect myself from people taking advantage of me.
Molly Priddy, Staff Writer
I happen to be pretty into bossy femmes who could either really like me or they just like telling me what to do, it’s always a coin flip. Imagine a big doofus St. Bernard — me — just being bossed around by a little sassy Chihuahua — her — and you’ve got the picture. Well, make the St. Bernard totally happy to follow around the Chihuahua and end the fights it starts with other dogs or just generally back it up with sheer size, and NOW you’ve got the picture. It doesn’t usually end well for me, but I can’t help it.
Cameron, Cartoonist
I’m instinctively drawn to really dynamic, interesting people with high ambitions who don’t necessarily have time to be in a relationship. This isn’t entirely a bad thing aside from that 1) there’s a built-in expiration date and, 2) because of who I am as a person, I end up doing a lot of unreciprocated emotional labor. And that’s fine until I burn out at which point all of my own needs (that I’ve been ignoring, and Player 2 has been too busy to notice exist) collectively take a deep breath and SCREAM.
Here’s the thing. I like taking care of people and I hate when a whole lot of attention is on me. Being involved with busy people who have tunnel-vision is a great scenario for me in theory! I’m led by their example toward productivity and they enjoy small comforts like relaxing for a goddamn second. It really isn’t all bad.
What’s really fun is that having really chill, undemanding energy attracts a fair amount of very busy and emotionally unavailable people. So this situation has played itself out a few times over with varying shades of success/disaster & may continue to do so!
Archie, Cartoonist
I’ve been trying to figure out what the folks I’ve dated have in common that has made the relationships implode. And to be frank, the only real common denominator is me. I’m my own relationship kryptonite. I’m the bad influence. I’ve historically been the fuckboy in a way to combat my own anxieties and insecurities and as a way to stay aloof. I think I could try and swing it under a different guise but what’s the point. The reality is many of my past relationships (pre-therapy & before I actually started working on my coping skills) imploded because as soon as I felt a hint of insecurity, I’d fuck around or cheat first or look for some sort of physical/emotional escape or disappear in some way. And because the community is small, this would often be with my partner’s good friend/ex-lover/best friend’s ex-lover/my own ex/etc etc. I honestly think cheating can become a habit if you’re not careful and I wasn’t careful at all, with myself or with the people I was with. This is a shit way to treat people and I can’t even tell you the number of times it has come back at me or exploded in my face or I had a sit-down with an ex and listened to the ways I fucked up. It doesn’t matter if the relationship was monogamous or polyamorous and it’s very different than just wanting to sleep around with folks in an open and healthy way! I realize I wasn’t isolated in most of these relationships either-often it was that the anxieties each of us brought to the table weren’t compatible or our communication styles were just REALLY bad. So I don’t know, for the sake of honesty I guess the answer is me circa 2006-2016. And for the record: yes, I am pretty embarrassed by how long it took me to stop and be accountable for my own actions. But here I am, at the ripe age of 32, learning to be less of a shithead and cheaters: you can to!
Rachel, Senior Editor
In a sentence: my stupid self-destructive catnip is people who become intensely emotionally attached to and dependent on me, often struggling with Issues or Trauma of some kind and who I can really throw myself into support, knowledge and devotion of, but who never do more than the perfunctory in terms of returning so that there’s never any danger of actual reciprocal emotional intimacy or risk of vulnerability for me. Obviously the kind of person who is okay with deeply opening up to and asking for intense support from a partner but doesn’t notice or care that they know very little about that partner’s inner life or return that energy is… a specific kind of person! Some would say perhaps a tad narcissistic, or at best self-centered and emotionally immature. Often, though not always, this person is a man, because this is absolutely how men are conditioned to interact with women in our culture and so it’s a really easy dynamic to find. Anyhow, this goes on with someone until eventually I finally get burned out, or until I ask for support in one (1) small thing and they don’t show up for me because duh, that’s the dynamic I’ve actively established with them for 1-5 years, and I get upset and leave. Then I usually go to some minimal amount of therapy and repeat the whole thing 1-3 years later. I should probably stay single!
Valerie Anne, Staff Writer
I know this is the cliche but I always fall for the unavailable girls. And not (necessarily) emotionally unavailable, I mean like, “omg we’re perfect for each other too bad you have a boyfriend/husband and/or ID as straight.” The first time this happened the girl told me to wait for her because she’d just been dating this guy for so long and he was her best friend and she wanted to ease him into the idea of breaking up but THEN we would TOTALLY be together because she loved me, she did. (We never even kissed because she didn’t want to cheat on him — and I mean I didn’t either but I would argue telling someone else you love them is worse than like a drunken one night stand!) Anyway I waited and spoiler alert she didn’t break up with him. In fact, they moved in together. I found out at a party we were all at where she had been weird and distant all night. She said to the group, without looking in my direction at all, that her boyfriend was picking her up because they were going to “give it a shot.” I felt like I had been stabbed in the gut. But as wary as I am of a situation similar to this now, I still find myself falling into these patterns where I am basically dating someone but without any of the physical stuff or without them admitting that we’re basically dating. Maybe it’s because I’ve never had a girlfriend, but I keep finding myself with a “work wife.” Right now, the girl who I will call Work Crush are rapidly approaching work spouse status. We’ll get lunch together almost every day, leave work together, buy each other coffee, etc. Recently we started hanging out outside of work too: she came to Pride with me, I was her plus one at a show her husband wouldn’t go with her to. Part of me is like “Yay for adult female friendships! We’re gonna be just like the Bold Type girls!” but the other part of me is like “Haaaaaave you considered an open marriage?” Because I’m not good at dating! But we have such a good soul connection and an easy comfort around each other and why can’t I have that with single queer people I’m attracted to! Is it BECAUSE she’s not a single queer person? Were the stakes so low that I just let my guard down and was able to be real and comfortable with her early on? Or do I like torturing myself by wanting what I can’t have? Am I so afraid of rejection that I only let myself admit to liking low-risk people because knowing they won’t like me back is safer than hoping they will? You know what, don’t answer that.
Stef, Vapid Fluff Editor
There are a lot of awful things I find myself falling into over and over again in my relationships (long distance, duplicitous poly situations, etc), but ohhh boy, there’s one situation that I thought I had control over and yet SURPRISE!!! In my late teens and early 20s, I spent a lot of time pining after boys in bands. I played music, I went to shows, I was involved in local punk and metal scenes and these were the kinds of guys I always ended up infatuated with. The ones I liked were always tall, skinny, tattooed, slightly androgynous, the kinds of guys who never looked less masculine in eyeliner but who always spent way too much time on their hair. Bass players, rhythm guitarists, the occasional drummer, but never the lead singer (they were an entirely different category) — all sweet and respectful while simultaneously deliciously emotionally unavailable. They also (probably) had girls in every city, which meant that they’d usually forget about me as soon as they got back in the tour van, and it took me far too many tries to learn that this arrangement was never going to work.
I was able to snap out of it somewhere around age 26. A couple of important things had changed: I no longer considered myself straight, and I now worked exclusively in live music. Dating women had taught me that clear communication was a thing I could have, and as a result I raised my standards regarding what I was looking for when I bothered to date men. I met tons of bands every single day, and over time the novelty of hot musicians had sort of worn off without my even realizing it. The handsome, scruffy bass player who’d stopped texting me back until he appeared out of nowhere to ask for a +1 for his girlfriend (I’M STILL MAD) had gotten married and moved to Texas to start a family. I still mostly dated moody creative types, writers, actors, photographers (and okay, one roadie), but rarely dipped into my own industry.
And then I met L.
L was a gorgeous lead singer with impeccable style, a bleached blonde firecracker who played a lime green 1963 Fender Jazzmaster on stage and always wore platform heels. A cursory scan of her Instagram revealed that she didn’t appear to own a single item of clothing that covered her thighs. The night I first met her in a dimly lit Lower East Side bar, she handed me a shot and a beer before we’d even exchanged words – before I could even tell her I don’t like beer. I took a sip anyway. I would go on to drink a lot of beers around her, and I never looked back. When I bragged about her to my friends, I sighed that the hottest thing about her was her impressive collection of vintage Fender guitars, and I couldn’t believe her band was good! The band is never good! She was a night owl, a party animal, effervescent and funny and very direct about her interest in me. I was hooked.
There were nights where I’d come to see her perform and she’d know everyone in the room. I’d stand off to the side and awkwardly make small talk with relative strangers, knowing she was working and this was part of the deal. Sometimes she’d end up talking to a man, and I’d see that man laughing at her jokes, subtly touching her hip. This was also (unfortunately) sometimes part of the deal, being a woman in music; we talked about that together often. Knowing that didn’t help. She’d kiss me in dive bars, but she’d bail on dinner plans and it would REALLY hurt my feelings. I wondered why I felt such a familiar sense of confusion.
“Oh fuck,” I realized, far too late. “How’d I end up doing this again?!?! She’s such a boy in a band.” L and I are super close friends now – which was absolutely the right move! She’s so great! – but I can’t believe I still haven’t learned not to swoon over musicians.
That said, I’m a musician too, and I spend every single one of my sets praying secretly that someone else has the same problem I do.
Vanessa Friedman, Community Editor
I love taking care of people. I don’t know if it’s because it’s coded into my DNA or because I was raised and socialized as a girl or because I have mommi vibes or what, but I love it. I’m a nanny, I’m a kitchen top, I’m the friend who will text you back immediately with a lot of validation and heart emojis if you’re having a hard time. I’m the community editor of Autostraddle! I’m down for that sweet sweet emotional labor (and for the record, I think it’s bizarre and irritating when folks act like being a decent fucking human being to your friends and acquaintances is *emotional labor* but that’s not what I’m talking about here, I’m talking about the real heavy lifting) – not because I feel obligated, but because I genuinely want to help you. I do. It feels nice and is often reciprocal and is the way I know how to best show how deeply I care.
But uh…the thing about really being down to caretake people, is that you wind up with a lot of humans in your life who need a lot of caretaking! When I initially started answering this question I was just talking about my type, or rather, types – I am a little bit predictable, but I’m also attracted to a huge variety of babes. Fat non-binary writer? Yes please. Boyish butch who wants to grow things and live in the woods? Yep! Femmes in floral print? Yeah! Literally anyone who grew up in Alaska and has Daddy Issues? YES HI HELLO. But as I delved into the types of humans who make me tick, I realized I was evading the main question: who are the folks I’m drawn to even though I know they’re bad for me?
And that’s how I landed on the problem within myself, which is the caretaking piece. I don’t think any of the babes I’ve fallen for have been inherently bad for me (well okay, maybe one or two, but I’m trying to be generous and compassionate here) but I do think the relationship dynamic I frequently find myself in is bad for me (and for the other people involved, tbh!), and I have to admit that is very much My Own Shit To Work Out.
See, I say that I want an independent babe who can keep up with me, and sometimes I get that and sometimes I don’t. But when I go out of my way to caretake – cook all the meals, act as a therapist, make all the social arrangements, minimize and compartmentalize my own needs and feelings so that my partner can feel comfortable – I create a dynamic wherein the other person begins to rely on me whether they plan to or not. This can work for a while, and even feels good – but then it implodes. I begin to feel resentful. My partner doesn’t understand why I no longer wanna do all the things they got used to me doing. It’s a big mess.
I really, really, really want to work on breaking this habit and not letting this relationship dynamic repeat itself, because I think it feels just as bad for the other person as it does for me, and it feels really bad for me! If anyone has any pro tips on breaking similar habits, I’d love to hear them in the comments. My main strategy right now to avoid this in the future is to be single for forever, so uh, if you’re in the New York area and you wanna casually make out this fall with no expectation of any kind of caretaking, let me know! (Kidding.) (Kind of.) 
Jesus fuck, Rachel, are you me?
i honestly said the exact same thing when i read Rachel’s contribution.
welcome, both of you. grab a seat there’s coffee on the counter
Same. Wow.
WOOF this is good. This must have been vulnerable to write for everyone so thank you for sharing these pieces of yourselves.
(Also though. Heather. So related to everything you said, word for word, down to the now dealing with those people by blowing up the bridge and cutting them out of life because a good opinion once lost IS lost forever THAT IS SO TRUE THERE ARE NO TAKE BACKS ONCE THE DOOR IS SHUT IT IS SHUT and that is… probably not healthy? but it feels safer? anyway hi hello nice to meet you.)
SAME. This super hard, unforgiving “once the door is shut the bridge is burnt can’t go back NO WAY” view is so ingrained into me from church and being steeped in Christianity from such a young age. Heather, I am super looking forward to your upcoming contributions to Bad Behavior about biblical womanhood. (!!)
I feel so much better about my shitty love life now. <3
I seem to identify with half of you?
#singleforever, cause, seriously, it’s better that way.
+ 1
you are not alone,
i am here with you,
though you’re on the internet and we don’t know each other really,
i am here to stay
welcome to the club! it’s nice here, all together, right?!!!? <3
ooof oww woof okay, when I saw this on the list for Bad Behavior yesterday I was so stoked because this is something I think about a lot, and now I read it and here I am crying at my desk cuz like, I didn’t expect this to hit so close to home?! But thanks for sharing y’all! I really see myself in Cameron, Rachel, and Vanessa. I’m currently in an ongoing discussion with someone about what our relationship is/could be/what we want and it’s uh, not going well, and reading this and reflecting here is my relationship kryptonite: MEN; people who appear to desperately need being taken care of; people who are emotionally unavailable; people who are too busy for a relationship; people who will let me perform exhaustive amounts of emotional labor for them, genuinely thank me for it, but never reciprocate in the ways I want/need; people who are unwilling to change their behavior or compromise in any way. Okaaay I’m gonna go lay on the floor and cry!
I. SEE. YOU.
i lay on the floor for a LONG TIME after writing this.
my only advice (which you are welcome to disregard because you didn’t ask for any and also as my contribution indicates, who the fuck am i to be giving relationship advice) is that if you’re already not getting what you need and not having fun in a new potential relationship…don’t do it. yes relationships are work but i also feel i could have avoided many really lengthy bad partnerships if i’d simply listened to the other human at the beginning and just believed them when they told me who they were and what they were looking for, ya know?
you can’t always avoid a bad dynamic, but sometimes you rly fucking can.
ok that’s all, GOOD LUCK AND I LOVE YOU <3
Ugh this is actually excellent and important advice, thank you, and the thing is, like, I KNOW THIS but it can be such a hard pill to swallow when you see so much potential in a person and how their life could intersect with yours in really positive, meaningful and healing ways. Also I am a person that feels like I am a burden to others so I’m always like “nooo!! don’t worry about me!! you don’t want to put up with me!!” and I often assume that’s what others are doing to and I want to tell people that I WANT to put up with their mess, but like, sometimes people are just actually speaking their truth and I shouldn’t convince them otherwise. In any case, I AM SURE YOU ARE RIGHT, thank you for your thoughtful response, but I’d say it’s a 50/50 chance I fuck it up anyway!
This is all so mind-blowing. If the floor in my office were cleaner I’d lay down right now and do a bacon dance in front of everyone. Why should I be the only flabbergasted person at work today ??
Especially Valerie Anne, your kryptonite is my kryptonite.
As for Stef and Vanessa, well, I hope you get to be someone’s kryptonite real soon, wish it could be me thx bye.
THANK YOU
i don’t wanna be someone’s kryptonite though just like, someone’s casual twice a month makeout / sex date would be just fine ya know? #NOFEELINGSCLUB2018
We deserve better! Someday we’ll break this bad habit…
can i please ask what the bacon dance is because im pretty sure adding that to my daily routine would probably make life a lot better
Ooh the Bacon Dance, here :
1. Lie on the floor (Lay ?? oh gawd here we go again…)
2. Squirm around, kick and flail, imagining that you’re bacon sizzling in a hot frying pan
3. Flip over a few times, and feel free to scream (because hot frying pan)
4. Pretend-tears are a nice flourish
Honestly why did we stop doing this, it was very cathartic when we were kids…
@Deli Twotone I already loved “If the floor in my office were cleaner I’d lay down right now and do a bacon dance in front of everyone. Why should I be the only flabbergasted person at work today??” for the mental image but “flip over a few times, and feel free to scream (because hot frying pan)” has made it even better.
Now I am pondering whether the amusement value of sharing the bacon dance with my seven-year-old and her twin seven-year-old friends would be worth the weeks of bacon-screams from mine and the murdering-of-me by the twins’ mother after they spend hours nonstop bacon-dancing…if y’all never hear from me again, you will know what happened, and I expect you will do sad bacon-dances in my memory.
<3 thank you
Reading all of these parsing my thoughts…and then Vanessa. Oof Vanessa that caretaking dynamic!
I realized the extent of the problem when I was more worried if I broke up with my wife if the plants would be ok (and my wife obviously, and the tenants, and our cat, and the tenant’s cat and and and…) than my own emotional well-being.
I wish I were joking.
For the record, the plants seem to be doing fine.
That’s a re-leaf
She’s getting to the root of the problem and maybe that will help her branch out into a new, unsoiled pattern. No shade for not being perfect though. ;)
Arboreal talk. Thanks for sticking around @deli-twotone and @iarrannme.
i know you’re not joking! because! this! is! relatable!
<3 <3 <3
What Vanessa said.
I was thinking on the way home today, we may talk in puns, being pratchett fans and all, but this is all from the heart. And I wanted you specifically to know that I’m not being dismissive.
What you’re going through is p h e n o m e n a l AND you are not alone. I am on a similar path and thanks to this wonderful space I met you and others and, just wow. All these different threads, lives, quests, we are so united.
Respect.
Thank you so very much @deli-twotone. This was so thoughtful and lovely to hear.
I’ve been giving myself a hard time, I think feeling that I don’t have the right to feel upset since it was my decision, and that it’s selfish for me to be upset. Relating back to that caretaking/self-worth aspect. What I need to do is to afford myself the same love and care that I want to extend to others…and really I think that it will be actually more caring to others to be more centred, more balanced, more whole.
It’s a wonderful thing to have this space in which we share so much, isn’t it? I am glad you’ve found support and caring and humour here too. I hope you continue to find your path forward in the very best way for you.
Riese and all the AS staff and all the commenters here have really created something so exceptional – that supports and transforms us in so many incredible ways. I have so much gratitude. Thank you. Thank you all.
“What I need to do is to afford myself the same love and care that I want to extend to others” – exactly. I also used to think this was selfish and that if a situation was my fault/choice, I did not deserve sympathy. Being a parent has helped me see the other side, because when my daughter is not at her best, it’s not because she’s a bad kid, it’s because she is tired/sick/upset or otherwise already has her resources depleted, or she’s up against something she doesn’t have the cognitive/emotional/etc. capacity to deal with alone. That helps me have compassion for her.* And I figure there are people who love me as much as I love her and when I am having trouble they would want me to be treated with love and compassion. So let your mental representations of the people who love you give you permission to be kind to yourself.
* Mostly. Sometimes my resources are depleted too. ;)
@deli-twotone Another Practchett fan? What are the chances? (Clearly, a million to one…) ??
comment award nomination for ” it will be actually more caring to others to be more centred, more balanced, more whole.” this cannot be said too many times.
^Comment award for all of this because you don’t come by this catharsis lightly
Another one for the Single Forever Club (or at least until I figure my shit out, which seems endless right now). My therapist would say my kryptonite is people with anxious attachment style, because I’m an avoidant attacher and I guess my subconscious is trying to find balance? Boi does everyone end up miserable though :(
Vanessa, thinking about it, I wonder if the crux of the matter is not the caretaking of others, but our ability/ belief to acknowledge that we are equally worthy of love and care? And to feel that it is ok to express that?
Perhaps by giving ourselves that love and care first and foremost it can allow us to come to relationships with more fullness and balance. Wishing us both the best in figuring it all out, as well as anyone else struggling with this!
YEP that’s so real, I definitely feel like I always have to “prove” to people that I am deserving of love and care by taking care of them and showering them with love and affection…but even when people genuinely try to love me (which is infrequent due to the type of person I am attracted to, sadly!) I’m terrible at receiving it! Ahh! Thanks for naming this and bless us all who are trying to figure it out!
Bless us all indeed
Really appreciate this post.
hi this is just to say i love everyone for being able to identify their kryptonite, and i love you in general
Wowowwwww this is so good and hard and vulnerable. Thanks for sharing everyone. “We are all gods children under flags of various colors.” Erin!! ❤️
once again, heather hogan says what i don’t have the nerve to. ugh. my heart.
right?? i was over here like, oh i didnt know the roundtables were supposed to undo us like this
Love you both! <3
My kryptonite is people with unresolved trauma and nice hair.
*checks hair*
ohhhhh Valerie Anne, I see you. I AM you.
<3
Is it possible we’re all the same person?
Hey Alexis, Karaoke is like my favorite pastime, just saying, no reason.
Oh, wow. Thank you all so much. Like, so much I can relate to, and also so much I can’t relate to but am so moved to hear you share.
Also, “People who expect an unwritten pact of silence so their fragile sense of self remains unchallenged.” OH! THIS. Thank you, Heather, for putting this into words.
Yes same. That quote so perfectly describes my last horrible long term relationship.
Hugs everyone
Thanks for sharing
ha ha my kryptonite is the combination of speaking my 2 love languages: love letters and sexitime
i will literally fall for anyone who uses this lethal combination at the beginning of our time together, regardless of sanity/compatibility/etc, and stay way… way past the expiration date
(and also the caretaking thing @ me next time Rachel/Vanessa) <3
Really relate to Molly, Cameron and Valerie Anne’s kryptonites cause SAME. I am always falling for very motivated, driven, busy people who are unavailable but also really love when I do things for them, and I love to do things for them! If they are a cancer then I’m helpless. People who want to share their feelings/issues and receive my care, but can’t return the favor seem to really do it for me. Tends to get me into situations where I have really intense connections with someone for a while until it isn’t sustainable anymore and it feels like a breakup, but isn’t a breakup cause we weren’t ever even dating. #singleclub
YES CANCERS OMG THAT IS SUCH A THING. I could have simplified many of my posts here if I had just said Cancers (usually undeveloped or damaged Cancers) are my type.
hahaha yeah! And not just cancer sun, really if there’s cancer in any of their signs, I’m in! I don’t know if it’s cause I’m a cancer moon and can just really really relate or what? but it’s rude…
i also am a big sap of a homo and just came back here to tell archie that i love them. coolcool.
i really like people who are mean to me
like “oh, you dislike me? how funny: I ALSO dislike me! let’s get coffee & discuss this thing we share”
but i never date bc i don’t want t9 leave my house or talk to people so it’s not really a problem
If I look back on all my biggest heartbreaks since I became the person most closely resembling myself, I feel like the common denominator is people who are not proud of me. Like people I think are so wonderful, gorgeous, fascinating, charming, and all around better than me, and maybe they agree? Or just for whatever reasons (closeted, anxiety), they want to hide me, and then I wind up feeling so small and ugly and interchangeable.
But now I’ve just started dating a new person who is constantly talking about me and always looking for ways to bring me up in conversations with like her grandparents and her friends (who are definitely sick of hearing about me), and it’s terrifying – and maybe wonderful? So we’ll see if this crashes and burns in the same way as the rest, because it does feel substantively different at least from the outset.
@theleafiest Good luck! Who’s that happiness-in-relationships researcher who found something like successful relationships have at least about five positive/reinforcing comments for every negative one? And no contempt? Sounds like you might be on a good track. :)
I think sometimes caregiving can be unhealthy from both sides, because sometimes there is the subconscious idea that if your partner needs you to deal with trauma, help their anxiety, not feel dysphoria, etc, they won’t ever leave you. I’m not trying to necessarily say that’s what is motivating anyone’s care taking, but seeing it that way helped me realize that excessive care taking could be unhealthy for both partners.
my personal kryptonite is married professors who are at least 15 years older than me. I’m a grad student. It’s totally not a daddy issue thing. We’re working on it
i *totally* do the thing you are describing with caregiving! I want to feel wanted and, to be honest, powerful, so sometimes situations where I will be more than healthily “needed” are more attractive to me than they should be!
??? good luck Kay, hear you on this one
wait i also have a very specific thing for women who preform the absolute straightest version of Evangelical Christian Femininity, which like, involves a lot of sundresses, from what i can tell, also maybe polo shirts? and the closest they come to masculine is wearing jeans with their Liberty University t shirt?
I don’t understand this impulse in me at all
like, the fact that these women are praying for my gay soul in a bad way aside: i’m catholic
this is probably a maladaptive coping mechanism that I’ve developed after 2 years of working for a Christian preschool among so, so many mega church weirdos
Mine is totally similar to Valerie Anne’s but a little bit more specific…falling for girls who are straight and married/engaged/seriously dating someone and WHO I WORK WITH. Not helpful in any way. There’s no chance of anything happening, and I can’t get over my crush because I have to see her every day. This has happened way too many times. Help.
what a READ for a FRIDAY MORNING!! going to lie down for the rest of the day now, goodbye
same same same to Vanessa.
These are all so cathartic to read.
My relationship kryptonite is just GIRLS tbh
This was so sad and also validating to read. It seems like a lot of us have a hard time in relationships because we can’t recognize our self-worth :(
I know my history is mostly falling for people who are unavailable in some way which really brings out my codependent tendencies. This most recent run around the park is all about a person who was literally only in town for a month but I still dove head first into it like somehow I wouldn’t get hurt when they left.
I feel like I’ll never meet someone I’m attracted to that is also attracted to me and also kind and considerate and actually lives near me.
I said “PFFFF” out loud when I read the article title.
I have this horrible problem of dating heroin addicts. Ones in active addiction, ones in recovery, and ones in all the in between categories of hell.
Then I realized I was gay and I met a girl and she was lovely and perfect and THEN SECRETLY TURNED OUT TO BE HIDING A HEROIN ADDICTION.
It’s comical at this point.
to be fair to both you and the people you’re attracted to: we ARE in the midst of a massive opoid abuse epidemic the likes of which we’ve never seen
Just checking in to say that I met Archie at 2016 A-Camp and now I’m wondering whether that was pre or post their epiphany because I was more attracted to them than like anyone ever, (except for Al who I also briefly met and swooned about), and I wonder whether I’m into fuckboys or people who are super accountable and good at coping as well as being really hot. Interesting! Thank you! Goodnight!
Oh, Heather. My heart. Having narcissistic/substance issue parents fucks shit up. I see you. I’m dealing with my stuff too and thank you so much for verbalizing it! Also, is that why I slam the door so damn hard?