Questions from the A+ Inbox were taking up such an enormous portion of the A+ Insider that we’ve decided to dedicate an entire post to answering them every month instead! We think this will be a lot of fun for everybody in the whole family. We have included as many as we can. We love you, your hair looks fantastic today!

A-CAMP, MERCH, BUSINESS AND TECHNICAL CONCERNS

Has Autostraddle ever sold coasters? I find myself shopping for coasters and I can’t find any I want, but AS coasters would be an instant buy for me.
Sarah: We haven’t ever sold coasters, and I’m not sure we ever will! That being said — if you buy anything from our Affiliate Marketplace we’ll get a kickback — and that’s like buying Autostraddle coasters! Here are some cute ones I found for you over at ModCloth.

I just shrank my favorite A-camp shirt and I’m so sad, do you ever sell previous camp shirts again?
Sarah: I AM SO SAD FOR YOU I AM SORRY FRIEND! Here’s the thing — we typically do have shirts leftover and the end of camp but they are normally given to staff of the campground and folks that have helped us with camp! Pro-tip — we’ll usually have a small amount of camp sweatshirts (with the same logo) on sale in our merch store right after camp!

Any advice on how to get the music from the ads muted? I’ve tried clicking around and can’t for the life of me figure it out. No judgement, get your coins! Just want to be able to play videos and whatnot without the ad music playing over it.
Sarah: Hey! That’s definitely not okay and not supposed to happen! Our advertisers know that they can place sound/video ads on our site, if and only if they are user-activated. You should never hear an ad before you hover or click on it, and if there is sound, there should always be a mute button. If you see anything like that again, please shoot an email to sarah [at] autostraddle with a screenshot of the ad, and if possible, the link (right click, copy link) so we can block it! Sorry about that <3.

Hey AS! When I go to an A+ post, but forget to log in, I reach a “you’ve reached A+ content!” message. When I click the “login” button from that page, it takes me back to the AS homepage after logging in. Is there any way to get it to take me back to that article I was trying to read? Sometimes it takes me awhile to find that post again. Thanks!
Cee: Click “sign in” from the top menu instead. Also, clicking the back button on your browser will take you back to that article if you get lost doing it the other way.

How did the birthday push for more A+ members turn out?
Riese: We got around 150 new members, which is not incredible but is very very good! Also some of those members dropped off at renewal time, so as of this moment we have 2700 members, which is like 142 more than we had when we wrote that post?

Is there gonna be a themed dance at A-Camp this year? I haven’t seen anything about it.
Yvonne: Yes! It’s Enchantment Under the Sea. Here’s a style guide for it! 

hi friends your hair looks so good today. i have two related questions: 1) i goofed and didn’t buy a safe space pin in a timely manner and now y’all are out. will they exist again? i love them and have a need. 2) my girlfriend would like to request an article on how to artfully arrange pins on, for instance, a jean jacket. does that exist already? i wouldn’t put it past you, but if not it would be great if it did!
Sarah: Hello! I can answer question 1, but I love question 2 and think it should definitely be a thing! We did a limited run of the safe space pins—not sure if they will return but I have hopes! You can still buy a safe space sweatshirt, though!

Hi, I just wanna say thank you for all you do!! I decided to support you all because your content gives me life! Also because Autostraddle was my absolutely fantastic crash course on queer culture back when I realized I was a gayby– y’all crushed it then and still do. Just thought you should know! <3 <3 <3

ALL-CONSUMING NEEDS TO SHARE

hi I and many other wonderful people were just published in this anthology and writing for it and now reading it are two extremely powerful and beautiful and overwhelming and validating experiences! I hope other people also find the same power in reading it so I wanted to share it! 
Heather: Thank you!

I just had a conversation with some colleagues about flagging and it completely blew their minds, like haircuts and earrings and things helping create a sense of like being simpatico. And it was relevant to the conversation (why a particular compliment worked, because the person who said it was vibing queer) but also it kind of feels like talking out of turn? Obvs I don’t think they’re going to go home and profile queer people so that they can discriminate but I feel vaguely guilty?
Heather: I think you’re okay! I don’t think you revealed any of our irretrievable secrets!

okay, here’s the thing – on the one hand, clexacon sounds like an insanely perfect thing for me, someone who has been in fandom 18 years/since age 12 – but because I’ve been in it so long I have too much shame around my fannish hobby and fanfic reading and shit that I feel like if I went I would die of secondhand embarrassment and hide in my room?? also I did not watch the 100 and vaguely resent the clexa in the name (I recognize the role they played in the meta narrative of representation and I know that the nomenclature of wlw/queer women/etc is touchy so it’s easier to go catchy than generalizable but.)
Heather: There’s nothing like being around other super fans to help you shed your embarrassment about being a super fan!

Pottermore says Gryffindor My girlfriend says Hufflepuff I‘m sure I‘m Ravenclaw … the 73 % though …
Heather: Hey! You know the answer to this! The Sorting Hat lets you choose!

I feel like this is a really silly thing, and yet I’m having a lot of feelings about it! So, towards the end of last summer, I went all-in on growing out my (extensive, prolific, extremely Jewish & v dark, bushy, and noticeable) body hair. It felt awesome and empowering to put away my razor and watch it grow in. I knew it would take a bit of time to ~unlearn patriarchal conditioning, and it was satisfying to feel myself getting more comfortable rocking a tank top and shorts, hair fully on display, in front of my queer friends & my family. And I felt super comfortable in my own apt, like confident and sexy in front of my gf, and totally chill around my roommates. I thought it would just take a little more time to feel comfortable at work/at the gym/with my straight friends too. But…that never really happened? I could sort of talk myself into being like “who cares if those random dudes are staring as you do this arm machine, you look rad,” or “let coworkers look a little uncomfortable!” sometimes, but often I just felt…tired, and found myself choosing a t-shirt and long leggings or throwing on a cardigan instead of dealing with all of that. And then I was like, now I’m somehow giving the patriarchy even MORE power than I was before?? It’s dictating how I dress, wtf is that? So, before a fancy event this past weekend I just broke the razor back out and shaved it all off. I feel really sad! And then I got stupidly emotional/defensive when my gf asked about it, I think because it brought up a bunch of long-buried stuff about not being queer enough/radical enough/brave enough. She doesn’t shave and/but was like “you look great either way! Do what you want. …Please I do not want to have a long argument about your armpit hair” (lol super fair). I feel like it’s so dumb to have ALLLL of these feelings about some armpit/leg hair, but I do! Can any of y’all relate? Can you tell me that this will be a thing that I can go around and around in cycles about for the rest of my life, and that it’s not like this is a permanent decision I made forever when I picked up that razor the other day? Idk, just having a lot of thoughts/feelings about internalized homophobia and how patriarchal conditioning shapes us etc etc and would love some gentle sympathy/”I feel you”s. Thank you, love you, mean it!
Laneia: HELLO I FEEL YOU. I started shaving in 6th grade and didn’t stop until a couple of years ago, when I realized how fucking tired I was of shaving and thinking about shaving and planning my showers/outfits around shaving. It was like when you smoke cigarettes and have to plan literally every part of your day around your smoke breaks! And it was so great to be free of it all UNTIL EASTER CAME AROUND and I had to wear a dress (in phucking Phoenix where it’s 200 degrees) but I was so self-conscious that I wore a damn cardigan over this cute sleeveless dress, and I was miserable! I had all the feelings you’re talking about having! And I was very pissed off about it! Since then I’ve shaved a couple of times and just gave myself the freedom to decide what I wanted to do whenever I wanted to do it. It’s a hell of a reconditioning especially for a mostly femme-presenting person, and I tell myself all the things you’ve told yourself about not needing to attract the kind of people who think body hair is gross etc, and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t! But the main thing I always try to do is forgive myself for being self-conscious about things — all the things, like my nose, my leg hair, my teeth, my thighs, my knees (!), my education level (!?) — and take everything day by day. Yesterday I went to ‘trim’ my pubic and underarm hair but the new shaver I was using shaved me totally bald instead, so now I’m like Paris Hilton 2002 and it’s fine.  WE’RE DOING FINE, YOU AND I.

My middle-age cat is driving me crazy. Until I get into my bed after coming home after work and let him crawl up on me, he will not. stop. screaming. I’ll ignore him and try to get him cry it out because I guess that’s what you’re supposed to do with children? I’ll pick him up and tell him, “Listen, buddy, I love you, but I really need you to be quiet.” I just now screamed his name out of sheer frustration (and immediately burst into tears) and he ran off scared for, like, 20 seconds, and started howling (again). I mean, I realize maybe (probably) this isn’t so much about my cat as it is my ability to handle stress (I’m so stressed, guys), but I know I can’t be the only one here with an anxious, asshole cat.
Rachel: Hm yes I see what you mean! As someone who also has a needy cat I feel like this might be both about your ability to handle stress right now and also your cat’s ability, and also like maybe your cat is picking up on your stress level and it’s making him more anxious? I think it might help to try to manage both of your stress (I know that’s an asshole thing to say, you’re like UM I’M TRYING) — you might be able to get some Feliway or other calming agent for the cat, or maybe get him an independent toy (like a robotic laser toy) that he can play with while you’re out during the day, which might tire him out some and regulate him a bit. I wonder if you could also try to build in a routine that calms him but is a little more manageable for you than full-on bed snuggling. I’ve had to spend a lot of time out of the apartment recently and I’ve started brushing my cat for like 5 minutes when I come home after I get in the door and have found that that helps her settle back in a bit. Maybe you could play with him or groom for a few minutes when you get home, and that re-connection routine could start to replace his currently unsustainable routine? Also, you could get earplugs! A real suggestion.

I had a dream that Heather Hogan was actually Snuffalupagus and I was just like “…yep. This tracks.” So I wanted to share.
Laneia: I have to agree with you.

Ever since mainstream sites started publishing articles about the Herstory Personals instagram page EVERY straight person I know has been forwarding me the articles and telling me to submit as if I didn’t already fucking know about it lmao and also why are all the straights looking at it for fun? Don’t they have anything better to do? Never mind stupid question of course they don’t…
Riese: Maybe this is the new “Oh I have a gay cousin, let me give you her phone number” or “do you know [only lesbian that person knows]? they’re single, you should hook up!” Also straight people have been obsessed with women kissing other women on the mouth since the dawn of time, probably the dinosaurs did it too. You should just be like “thank you, my dear straight friend, but (!!!) i’m aware of herstory personals already. ;-P”

i got asked to be a bridesmaid by a childhood friend who once got extremely drunk and sort of confessed feelings for me/kept trying to kiss me and then the next day shoved it right back down and would never talk about it again. on a scale from 1 to like, getting married by your ex, how gay is this scenario
Yvonne: Wow, yes, pretty gay! I think it’s a solid 7.

Hello AS! After trying to get pregnant for 2+ years, I am starting IVF. I am so pumped/nervous. My egg retrieval is this Wednesday! Anyway, I love you all and this is blowing my mind and I wanted to share.
Yvonne: THAT’S AMAZING! Congrats! I hope the procedure went well for you! We’re all so grown-up. ::happy tears::

Laneia: !!!!!!!

GUYS I wrote in ages ago bc I accidentally came out to my brother and he was perfect, and then tonight I came out to some gay coworkers and it was also life-affirming. Honestly I feel so happy with myself for overcoming that gay panic/must-closet-self-forever feeling and I need to share!!!!
Yvonne: Coming out to other gay people will never stop being so fun! It’s so great you have gay coworkers because it can be tough out there for a queer surrounded by straights. Now you can plan a super gay luncheon at work with them or have an unofficial gay happy hour every Thursday.

Laneia: I am so happy for you!!

Riese: CONGRATULATIONS!!!

So, I went to see the Love, Simon movie, and oh my lord the feels!!!?!? Such a good movie, really enjoyed it, hope you guys have seen it too. I feel like this is the type of movie I want kids to see, and just know that.. its ok. And also I want everyone else to see it, because oh my how can you not understand how I felt all those years, and still sometimes does!?!!? And (spoiler) the line about exhaling finally. Oh my. Straight to my gay heart. But as we were walking out of the cinema with tears in our eyes and smiles on our faces we started talking about representation in this movie, which I think is pretty good. But then one of my friends was like “yeah, but all the actors were straight?” and we started talking about the difference in who is represented and who represents. What are your thoughts on the whole “gay characters should be played by gay actors”? Because it kindof turned into a argument between me and my friends. Like I do get it, yes, straight people do not know how it feels, but then again, an actor is an actor, youknow. I feel like when we apply the last part of “you have to be gay to play gay” that kindof makes the whole acting thing a little…. less acting(?) to me?! But yeah, so we talked about this. And then I went home and tried to google like “how many were queer in Love, Simon” and turns out atleast 3 of the reaccuring people in the movie, plus the director. And the nice thing is that the people who are queer are also all assumed to be “straight”, which could both be offensive in some degree, but at the same time, I feel like it would be so great to watch a movie where all the “straight/cis/normal” people were played by genderqueer and in general queer peeps, and vice versa. I feel like that would really be something. Often when I see people/actors getting only queer roles after coming out of the closet I get a little sad, because that limits that person to just about only their sexuality, which I feel like is a big part of someone, but not everything. It makes the whole sexuality thing such an extra thing, which I honestly just feel like I´ve never liked, as it adds all the “coming out” stuff. All in all I would just like to say that; yes, there are flaws in Love, Simon, there is zero queer women representation, and also as I talked about; a whole lot of straight actors, and I get really sad if this movie turns out to be a “gay movie” and not just a movie, because this movie is so new, and you legit do not know how it is gonna end, and it truly hits you in the feels. This is the type of stories I feel like we have missed out on. But yeah, please share your thoughts on the movie, if you´ve seen it(which you should). And also what do you guys think of the whole gay characters should be portraited by gay actors? And what about the marketing of the movie? should they have marketed it as a straight love story and then been like “SUPRISE!!!?!!?”? Wanna end this with the fact that I´m having a bro-crush on Keiynan Lonsdale, and I kind of wanna be his friend. :) Ok, thanks!
Riese:  I do not think gay characters should be portrayed by gay actors, I don’t think it matters — they’re actors! They have to pretend to be in love with or attracted to people they’re not in love with all the time. I think it’s great when it is a gay actor, but it’s not necessary. I care way more about the directors and writers being gay than the actor. I haven’t seen Love Simon though so I can’t answer your other questions! I live in West Hollywood so the marketing around here was, you know, pretty on the nose.

KidMe would be surprised that tree climbing leeds to sore muscles now and why didn’t we become a private investigator? TeenMe would never believe that this straight crush could ever go away and that there’d be a perfect queer woman waiting for her in a much bigger city.
Laneia: FinallyLegalDrinkingAgeMe wouldn’t even believe anything about what’s going on these days. Like, nothing. Wait! She’d believe my cat’s name.

Ya’llllllll, I need hugs and support. The CA bill that would ban conversion therapy under consumer protection grounds is coming my way for a hearing in a few months and I’m already getting all kinds of garbage about it and I know I shouldn’t let the garbage bother me but mannnnnn it’s hard. I’ve only been out and proud for about 3 years. I know I can’t let it bother me, but we’re getting all of these letters/books/informational materials about how you aren’t gay from birth and people who have “unwanted feelings of same-sex attraction” have the right to counseling to get rid of those feelings and wowwww it’s just so hard and so sad! Like, you’re gay, man! It’s cool! It’s ok! You’ll be ok! AUGH.
Riese: These people are losing the larger culture wars, and I think California specifically is a place where they are losing very badly. I’m not saying we should ignore these threats because they are very real — but imagine these missives as coming from a desperate ex who treated you like shit for three years, fucked up your life into an unrecognizable mess, made you lose your friends and your money, and now thinks they can win you back by forwarding you cute articles that reminded them of you and suggesting songs you should listen to and sending you an edible arrangement that is mostly melon. Look at all that melon! Laugh at it! Nobody asked for that!

Can I just have hugs? Just broke up with my partner of 5 years and I’m devastated and kind of thought we were endgame, but also he was my straight-cis-dude exception and I’m really excited to start dating women and stuff again when I’m ready and it’s just a lot of feelings to hold onto.
Rachel: Oh that is such a specific feeling/set of feelings and I get it, here with all the space you need to hold the devastation and the excitement and the curiosity/anxiety about the future, write if u need anything or wanna talk <3

I’d just like to say that when I was in school, there was nothing I ever interacted with there that suggested queer people were worthwhile (let alone worth actually valuing!) at all. There wasn’t really much of any actual condemnation and I appreciate that, but still, it was all somewhere between hahaha and eww. Which is all to say that this thing with states maybe requiring LGBT content in the curriculum blows my mind. Like, queer is definitely the norm in my life now, but it still doesn’t compute right in my brain when I try to imagine that! Wow wow wow, is what I’m saying. And also that life is a funny thing.
Riese: I honestly cannot imagine it. Sometimes it makes me nervous, you know? Like what are they going to choose to teach! But it’s a good thing. It blows my mind but it’s a very good thing. My old pal Haviland had a gay studies class in her high school in the late ’90s and she is the person who taught me how to be proud and not apologetic of being gay, which could be a coincidence, but also might be proof in the pudding.

my office just went to an open office plan and it’s loud and dim lighting and i’m a mega introvert and i’m just defeated. i work on a team that gets almost no funding or respect within the company but is actually pretty crucial to operations. this is all just to say that coming to autostraddle and reading new content + stuff from the archives has really been a space of self-care for me lately, and i’m so grateful for the work each and every one of you is doing. maybe you need to hear that today, so here it is. thanks, y’all. xo

HAVE YOU WRITTEN ABOUT THIS / I NEED INFORMATION / ARTICLE IDEAS

Hey! I would love to see an A+ roundtable on how y’all do (or don’t) practice self-love/radical self-acceptance. I was just rereading Alaina’s last Bottoms Up column (god, I miss that series!!) and I started to cry because I can’t imagine ever really believing that I am enough or deserving of the kind of respect they talk about in their piece. I’m sure I can’t be the only reader to feel this way and I’d love to hear stories from the writers and the website that I love and respect so much and that has given me so much!! Thx for thinking about it <3
Yvonne: This is a great idea! We have added it to our list of roundtable ideas.

Riese: I have added “practice self-care” to my to-do list so that I can have something to say for this roundtable.

Rachel: I really want to read everyone else’s answers to this

Maybe you have already done a podcast on that or written about it, so maybe you could point me there.. – would you be willing to get into a thoughtful discussion about lesbian identity? Taking the vitriol away from some of the comments, I get their perspective of how they also want to be seen and represented in their specific identity (e.g. acknowledging Lesbian Visibility Day, writing about lesbians apart from sexuality-related posts). This doesn’t have anything to do with TERFs, as far as I understood the commenters, but just being represented as a lesbian. I’m guessing you have good reasons, too, for not having an “Identity” section for lesbians (one of the issues of one commenter). So I thought maybe you could at some point write about this more? Or add more pieces from lesbians who write about lesbian identity? Or is this either way just an invitation to a yelling match you’re not willing to get into for the sake of your wellbeing? I sure would get that!
Yvonne: I think our recent Lesbian Visibility Day roundtable is what you’re looking for!

Riese: The response to our Lesbian Visibility Day roundtable was so great and I loved reading everybody’s answers. I personally didn’t even realize how much I needed something like that until that day, and it turned out to be one of my favorite days of Autostraddle of all time!

Okay so I really want to know what everyone calls their partners/lovers/etc. I’ve recently entered the most amazing relationship I’ve ever been in, primarily amazing because the sex is out of this world, I’ve been in love with him since I was 15 (and we’ve tried to be together plenty of times), and we’re both trans queer poly relationship anarchists. I keep referring to him as the “person I’m seeing” but that just falls so so so short of what this is. There’s so much more emotion there and meaning. We’re looking for terms for each other before we settle on just “partner.” I tried scouring the internet but I’ve come up short every time. Thank you! (also thanks for being awesome, I’m a new subscriber and y’all are now my browser homepage. I’ve followed on facebook for a while but now I’m committed.)
Riese: Well since I stopped dating boys, I’ve really only ever dated girls so I call them my “girlfriends.” But I hear people say “my person” a lot.

Laneia: I always liked “activity partner” which I think I got from OkCupid. It made me feel like we were a real team.

Riese: I always thought Laneia made up “activity partner,” which I have used extensively ’cause I thought it was funny. I will choose to continue believing that it was Laneia’s idea.

Hot tip: treasure trove of interviews with queer asian and pacific islander elders, created by API Equality Northern California. I learned about Kitty Tsui who was publishing erotica in the 80s! – would love if you can share in some kind of link roundup or keep in mind for a history post <3 thank you for all your incredible work!!! <3
Yvonne: Gahh this is so cool! If I had all the time in the world, I would like to interview all the queer elders of color and write about their lives and write a book about what they were up to before I was alive. I like your idea about a history link roundup!

My BFF just got enGayged – yay! He’s looking for readings for the wedding that are not scripture based. Thoughts? Suggestions?
Yvonne: I’m getting married in October and haven’t even thought about this yet, weeeeadl;fkajdl;kfajdfkls! I think we’re gonna work with our friend who’s officiating the wedding on this part. We want to honor women, our ancestors, our chosen family and our queer Mexican love so I mean, it’s gonna be something we create all ourselves. So I know that isn’t helpful whatsoever but if your BFF needed permission to go way off script, tell them to do it! If they wanted a Harry Potter-themed reading, go for it! Anyways, Laneia kinda answered this in a recent Y’all Need Help and listed a bunch of awesome wedding resource links that probably has sample scripts!

Is Kristin OK? Haven’t seen GIBWK lately and I’m hoping that is just because she is busy with killer projects. I know I don’t know you guys but I root for you! I just want good things for AS staff/staff alums! Also, post idea: a “child stars: where are they now” on AS staff’s new projects :)
Kristin: Hello, it is me, Kristin!!!!

I am here to say:

1. Yes, I am okay!

2. I have been dealing with some ongoing family stuff as of late, and ALSO stepped in to help co-direct A-Camp, so I had to take a moment away from my regularly-scheduled Getting In Beds, but will be back so very soon!

3. THANK YOU FOR ROOTING FOR ME / ALL OF US

4. I am not qualified to approve posts, and I am not a child star, but this is where I was yesterday:
   

So the wonderful Gabby Rivera came to my alma mater, Sacramento State, last Thursday and gave an AMAZING talk about radical queer love, taking up space, being yourself, and punching Nazis. During the Q&A, I told her I first heard of her on this very website and she was SO EXCITED and me and a couple of members in the audience had a little bonding moment about Autostraddle, and then I asked her if she would ever write on this website again and she said she would be open to it but that I should ask you folx. She also had a lot of nice things to say about AS in general which made me happy and I’m sure will make you happy! SO, can you ask Gabby to come back and write something for this website? Pretty please?

Yvonne: I love Gabby! I miss her writing around these parts of the internet. I’m so glad y’all had a moment and that you went out to support her. I would love it if Gabby wrote something for AS, in fact, I feel motivated to reach out to her about this very thing. Thank you, dear reader. <3

Riese: This is funny cuz earlier today I was watching Gabby’s instagram story and was like GAHHH I MISS HER WRITING SO MUCH. I do! I miss her writing every day and would love for her to write for us every day.

Laneia: Same.

Hey there! It’s a few weeks’ old news now, but I was surprised not to see a mention on AS of St. Vincent’s queer re-working of the Crystals’ “And Then He Kissed Me” on the Universal Love EP — it both kicks ass and warms my heart!
Laneia: I believe this is because we don’t have a designated music team, and therefore cannot stay on top of all the music that’s musicing these days. It makes me very sad.

Can someone do a report/analysis of the Joy Reid controversy? Or provide a link to a good one? Just heard of all of this today and sounds like a good discussion- also I’m confused about the history of all this
Heather: I’ll tell you my analysis of it and it’s not something everyone agrees with, even some people I love a lot, but here it is: Joy Reid said and wrote some homophobic and transphobic stuff, several years ago, most of which she has taken full responsibility for. She’s spoken candidly about her evolution in her beliefs about LGBTQ people, about how she was raised and what she learned after that, and also just about the culture of “acceptable” gay/trans jokes that existed in mainstream media even just four or five years ago. And she’s apologized for that and proven to be a relentless advocate and ally to the LGBTQ community. Joy Reid has been under attack from all sides from the very beginning, especially after the 2016 election. Conservatives coming after her constantly, and loads of white liberal too, especially white men who voted for Bernie Sanders. So when someone brought those old blog posts to her attention, I think it makes perfect sense that she did not recognize them as her own. I know from my own life that you can evolve so far that you honestly don’t even recognize the words of your former self, and so I can believe she thought she was hacked. I definitely thinl she will own her mistakes, as she has proven in the past, and I also think a significant amount of the attacks against her are racially motivated, whether people realize or acknowledge it or not. I campaigned and voted for Hillary, I love Hillary, but she has made all these exact kind of mistakes and more and I see plenty of Hillary stans out here willing to walk right past those things but openly attack Joy Reid. Why is that? I wish she hadn’t said those things, I wish when she’d been confronted with her old posts she’d been able to just own and apologize for them, but that’s not what happened and I have already forgiven that — as I have been forgiven for so many mistakes online! — and am ready to keep fighting alongside her.

It do a lot of tarot, and I love the Fool’s Journey column. I was given a Lenormand deck recently and have no clue how to read the cards! Any chance of a Lenormand overview sometime?
Rachel: Oh possibly! I think the only person I know who reads Lenormand is Dera (hi Dera!) but we’ve been talking idly about ways we could do some more divination/woo woo stuff and we’ll keep this in mind!

hello! i would just like to say the most massive of thankyous to cee for keeping this great site up and running and working on improving it too! i’m a programmer and web-related stuff is complicated as all hell and i am very impressed and grateful so thank you

I NEED ADVICE

hey my ex says she’s not in a place to be in a relationship right now (we’re sophomores in undergrad) but she “thinks about the future. Like, maybe senior year?” Is this bullshit?
Rachel: Yup! I’m sorry but it is. She might not even mean for it to be bullshit but it is. We could all be living underground or on the moon by senior year. I could have paid off my student debt. Lady Sovereign could have finally come out. You could (and probably will) have met someone who is ready to be in a relationship and also is better for you than your ex! So let’s plan on that.

Laneia: I’m going to make a shirt that says Rachel Is Right or maybe Listen to Rachel.

Oh, autostraddle. I got dumped.

My (now)ex and I both go to a private liberal arts college of 1600 students in the middle of Ohio. We had a pretty damn-near perfect relationship until this clusterfuck of a month where everything seemed to go wrong at once.

A cursory overview: one and then both parties questioning their genders, one party being diagnosed with BPD, one party changing their mind about our open-relationship status, and, finally, being an interracial lesbian couple across class lines at a time when our campus is saturated with racial and class tension. Then your garden-variety communication issues.

Dang. Seeing it all written out like that…that’s a lot. And it was probably brewing before it all came to ahead. But here’s the thing: We really, really care about each other.

I requested time to get over her before being friends, but I don’t actually want to get over her. When she came to pick up stuff from my room, she stayed for two hours and she wished we had a time machine. I, too, wish we had a time machine. It feels so unfair, all of it.

Then she calls me last night and wants to know when we can touch base about being friends. I said we could be friends when I get over her and no longer want to kiss her. She said she was afraid that a) I wouldn’t get over it and we couldn’t be friends as a result and/or b) I would get over it, but she wouldn’t.

This, too feels unfair. Because I don’t want to get over her. I want to be with her. But she’s not in a place to be with me or anyone right now.

She said, “now’s not the time. But I wonder about the future. I wonder about, like… senior year.”

Autostraddle, I feel stuck. Because I wonder about that too. But I also feel vaguely disrespected, like she’s putting me on hold while she sows her wild oats and goes about fucking the seniors and juniors who will graduate before us. Then we’ll be seniors together and can think about going to the same grad school.

Seeing this written out, it all looks so… fucked. But we genuinely care about each other. We genuinely enjoy each other. Just so many factors came to ahead at the same time, It was like the worst game of dominoes ever. And I’m heartbroken, and we’re on this 1600-person campus and she lives across the fucking street and my friends are running low on patience for my moping.

Thoughts? Feedback? I love your site, it gives me hope.
Rachel: I think you might be the same person as the previous question? If not, you’re in such an eerily similar situation that you should read that one anyway! I hate to tell you this but the reason that you feel “like she’s putting you on hold” is because she is! That is what is happening. And the reason you feel like it’s unfair is because it is unfair! It’s not fair that you didn’t do anything wrong and you love each other but that she still doesn’t want to be with you. It’s not fair that even though you feel like things could still work — and you could be right, we don’t know — she doesn’t want to find out. You’re right! Unfortunately this is an arena in which being right doesn’t really have any currency. You can let yourself feel the injustice of it and grieve losing something that you wanted and still want badly, but you can’t argue your case to your ex or the universe convincingly enough that this situation will change. Also just real quick — this thing about rushing you back into “being friends” is absurd and unfair to you and also honestly a red flag! You’re clearly not over it and she’s “afraid she won’t either” — which means you can’t be friends right now and maybe ever, not that you should just go ahead and do it anyway.

Pressing Question. If both ex-partners wish they could go back in time and do things differently, but the relationship is “broken,” then why don’t they just agree to fix it? Just wondering.
Rachel: Are you also the same person??? I can’t tell! If the three of you are separate individuals you should definitely hop in a group chat or something. Regardless, this advice is applicable to you and also the two people above, if they are open to it: have you ever had the experience of being broke and/or poor in a real way? Like not enough money for your bills and groceries for that month? And have you ever had a well-meaning person offer to “help you budget?” If you have, then you know deep in your bone marrow the truth that “budgeting” can’t fix the fact that the money just isn’t there, that you just make less money than you have expenses. No amount of trying to make plans or trying different approaches will solve a problem when the problem is a fundamental mismatch between what you need and what the reality is. Sometimes relationships can be “fixed,” but sometimes there is a fundamental mismatch between what the people in it want or need and what they are capable of providing each other. If that’s the case, no amount of communication or “working on it” or “fixing issues” is going to change that. Just food for thought!

Riese: I’ve had this happen a few times in past relationships, and sometimes we decide to fix it and then we do and everything is better than it was before. Sometimes we’ve decided to fix it, and then we try and we fail. And sometimes one of the people, either me or them, doesn’t want to fix it and has already checked out, often going through the de-attachment to the partner in their head before the breakup itself takes place. That can be hard — not impossible, but hard — to bounce back from. It depends so much on the situation!

I have an all consuming need for advice about how much can I be selfish. I’m 28 and graduating in med school in two months and my whole life was full of privileges – like, I’m not rich, or anything, but I have an easy breezy white person middle class life. So in a couple of months I have to decide what to do with this new M.D. life. Will I help others in primary care? Should I use my privilege to help my queer community? Seems only fair to give it back to a society that enable me to be where I am. BUT, and here comes the problem, I’m Asperger and hella introverted. I would love nothing more that help people in their most basic needs, but I can’t endure a routine like that. I had seven years of forced extroversion to survive med school. I would be mentally exhausted everyday to deal so closely to others. So I have the option to go to diagnostic medicine, like radiology, pathology, basically the doctors behind the curtain and have an easy life. I really like tech stuff, I have a degree in graphic design too, so to be in a small room talking med all day and solving cases would be heaven for me. But like this I can’t give much back to my community! I don’t know! I feel really bad about not using all this “power” to help others! I know that there is a myriad of ways I can give it back, but there is so much need in health care for queer people, it doesn’t seem fair to be selfish. Thank you so much! p.s. I’m asking you all this ‘cause I really think your work help so many people. p.s. Sorry about any grammatical error, English isn’t my first language.
Yvonne: I see what you’re saying but it’s not going to help anyone if you choose to be a primary care doctor because interacting with people is not your strong suit. You will be unhappy and your patients will be unhappy because you won’t be able to give them proper attention or interact with them in a way that they want. You should definitely go towards the diagnostic medicine route and guess what, you’ll still be helping people!! We need queer people in all facets of the medical industry so you can definitely help in that arena too!

should i wait until i’m Not Depressed to decide whether or not to rehome my pet? (apply to have my pet live in a sanctuary that happens to be nearby) (he’s a parrot). even when i’m happyish, i know his life is so much Smaller than it ought to be, but when i’m sad it’s like that cymbalta commercial where the person is ignoring their dog?? i don’t want to make major life decisions while i’m Super Fucking Sad & overhwhelmed w depression fueled Guilt but ALSO, i’ve never been on a mood med that worked, and my moods, they Cycle. the end of this depression will inevitably lead to the beginning of another one. i’m afraid that the second i give him away, i’ll get better, and be filled with regrets?? or it’ll turn out he really Was the one loose end that needed tying before Suicide, and then I’ll be too dead to care, but also no one will be around to pay the yearly cost of keeping him in the sanctuary so Then What.????? idk y’all things are Not Going Well
Laneia: Hi I love you and I need you to keep this parrot and also stay totally alive and not dead AT ALL. Not at all! Stay as alive as possible, even if that feels like just a little bit of being alive, because it’s still no bit at all of being dead, and that’s the goal: no bit of being dead. I’m serious do not fucking be dead at all. Look at me and promise you’ll stay as alive as possible!!!! Keep your parrot! Keep trying and even do those drastically-trying things that we’re afraid to do sometimes but sometimes they’re the only way to keep trying! Keep drastically trying to stay as alive as possible. I don’t think me loving you will magically make your life any less sad but I’m gonna say it again because it’s true and I’m nothing if not COMPELLED BY THE HEAVENS to tell the truth: I fucking love you. I’m glad you’re here. So’s your parrot.

So… this feels a little bit embarrassing but I’m working on not beating myself up about it too much. I’m 23, almost 24, and I’ve never had an orgasm (either by myself or with a partner) and I’m not quite sure how to go about making that happen for myself. I have a vibrator and have tried a variety of things (everything from slow to rough sex, even some enya and a bubble bath) to no avail. The closest I got was with a past partner and I’m just worried that I’m defunct in some way :/ any advice?
Yvonne: Don’t be embarrassed about this question! We all have these misconceptions about sex and how it’s supposed to be and what we’re supposed to achieve at a certain age and it’s all bullshit because we’re all unique, blobs of feelings and we’re all on our own timelines and it’s all going to be ok! I’m no sex expert but I will guide you through all the sex articles that I think are relevant to your question. Here’s Austen with some advice on how we view orgasms in our relationships. Check out this NSFW Sunday that talks about elusive orgasms. Ok, KaeLyn answered this sex question that is completely different from your question but I think the advice in here can apply to so many different situations and maybe it can help you orgasm! And finally, here’s a personal essay on the topic if you wanted some more perspective on your situation.

Riese: I didn’t have an orgasm til I was 20 years old, just FTR.

Hey gorgeous folks, So I’ve received a few friend requests, which I accepted of course ! But now… what do I do ? I’m in uncharted territory. Am I supposed to make the next move, say Hi, or ? Plus, if I would ever work up the courage to ask someone to be my friend, what does that entail ? Gah I sound like a nervous teenager. I hated being a teenager please make it stop. Thanks for your guidance !
Laneia: Well I hate to be the one to tell you this but you do just say “hi” and maybe “let’s be friends!!!!!!” and just be yourself and say the things that are very you and then be nice to people and listen to their stories and laugh when you feel like it! On Friday, May 18, we’ll be publishing a little thing by Molly Priddy on making friends as adults! So look for that.

So I’m going to New York in like a week and I really wanna go see Disobedience while I’m there BUT the issue is that I had a hideously sad breakup a while back where we talked at length about our love of Rachel Weisz so I’m like… I want to go and see this film because I’m in a unique position to be able to do it, but also I am nervous that I will cry in a cinema. Basically I guess my question is: 1) How do you get “your stuff” back after a bad, hurtful breakup when “your stuff” isn’t physical things but is stuff you used to enjoy together that’s now tainted and 2) Hi does anyone wanna go see Disobedience with a potentially tearful tourist in New York on the 27th April
Yvonne: I wish I could say that it becomes untainted over time, but no, it doesn’t. Those heavy feelings just become faded. So like a period stain on a white bed sheet; you can let it soak and you can treat the spot with peroxide but like there’s still sort of an outline there after you wash it. This is a horrible analogy but like there will still be residual feelings around the thing because it’s just gonna remind you of your ex but it will hurt less with more time.

Hmmmmmmm, I wrote an op-ed in my school newspaper calling out a professor on some racist bullshit he pulled. He wrote me a 6-paragraph-long email in response, challenging me to talk to him face-to-face at his office hours. Challenge accepted. Should I bring a white-guy friend with me as backup? I feel like I might need the witness.
Rachel: Yes! Bring a friend and have them sit with you, and be explicit about the fact that you have another appointment after this, even if you have to make one up, so that there’s a time limit on the conversation. Good luck, I’m proud of you, I know this is difficult and you’re very brave!

Is it a bad idea to go to a lesbian bar/club/dance party alone? I’m new to my city and don’t have anyone to go with, but also I’ve never been and want to see what it’s like! But I don’t want to be weird or unsafe or anything like that. Help?
Riese: It could be awkward, potentially, depending on how extroverted or outgoing you are or aren’t, but I think that’s the biggest concern really! i think you should go! If it’s weird or not fun, you can just leave, you know? People used to go to these places alone all the time back in the day because nobody knew anybody anywhere. But no it wouldn’t be unsafe or weird. I mean we’re all weirdos.

Hello! How do you deal with microaggressions? Since coming out more publicly/having a gf for the first time, I feel like I’m dealing with them all the time. Were they there before and I didn’t notice them? Is my bisexual presence/being out just providing more opportunities? It’s hard because people who think they aren’t homophobic/biphobia/transphobic etc etc often are! Including me! (internalized biphobia, lol! ugh.) The riddle homophobia scale helped me understand this- I thought i was totally cool with my sexual identity, but I had a lot of beliefs I’d internalized but didn’t even realize I had that made me feel like I had to filter and sensor and make sure my queerness never made anyone feel uncomfortable. To the point that I couldn’t even say the word “bisexual” out loud until embarrassingly recently! (now I wanna scream “I AM BISEXUAL” everytime I enter a room so GREAT PROGRESS THERE AT LEAST). So now I’m ready to take up a little more space and be my more authentic self and tell people who are supposed to be my friends and/or family when they’re unintentionally hurting my feelings- but it’s so hard to do without putting someone on the defensive, and you have to be vulnerable, and everyone acts like you’re being too senstive or creating problems. When I call out biphobic/homophobic/transphobic shit that straight people say that they sincerely don’t realize is problematic in the slightest, the reaction I get is always like, why are YOU making this weird? Even though I AM NOT THE ONE WHO MADE IT WEIRD ACTUALLY, IT WAS THE THING THEY SAID AND I AM JUST RESPONDING LIKE A HUMAN BEING FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE INSTEAD OF AUTOMATICALLY HATING MYSELF WITHOUT REALIZING IT. BUT. It’s hard to know what the line is. I never know if I should call out or call in or let it go or whatever. Am I expecting too much from people? I have a right to be angry, but do I have a right to act angry? How compassionate am I required to be? The nicer I am, the more I try to really get someone to shift their prospective in a kind and loving way, the more it hurts when they don’t care. I’m exhausted and vulnerable. I am also like, low-key sort of honestly testing my friends, like…how safe are you REALLY? The results are painful and sad. For example- In the most benefit of the doubt way I possibly could, I told a friend I knew it wasn’t her intention, but that she hurt my feelings with a comment and she was very cold and didn’t reply or engage in response. She acted like I was the one being socially inappropriate for bringing it up. And it made me think like, should I have even said anything? but then also why would i want to keep engaging with this person who, regardless of her intention- isn’t able to respond in a way that assures me I can still feel safe around her (emotionally- not physically). How do I calm the fuck down and survive all of this with my very sensitive little heart, it’s making me hate being around straight people, bc I never know when someone is going to unintentionally say something offensive and make me spiral. Does this ever get easier? Can A-camp just get here already, I think that maybe the answer is COMMUNITY?!? Incase it helps- here are examples. All from the past week. I am exhausted!!! 1) straight female friend refers to her gay male friends as “my gays” 2) Friend shares spoken word poetry from a queer artist on a group chat and qualifies that it’s good and relatable “even though it’s about a woman” 3) girlfriend’s family says her niece is “too young” to “understand” being gay and are “totally accepting” but will not “explain” what being gay is until she is older, and also could we make sure we have NO pda at family events. Signed, Bisexual Cry BB
Heather: Hello, tenderheart! I, too, am a tenderheart! There are a lot of questions contained in this question and I’m not sure I can answer them all satisfactorily and probably need more information to give you specific advice, but I’m going to tell you how I move through the world as a human who has a gooey caramel center and hardly any hard chocolate armor.

1) I use a sliding scale of people’s importance to determine my response to their bullshit. Some guy I don’t know elbows me in line for the food truck and calls me a dyke, I’m just gonna come home and eat my chicken souvlaki because he’s obviously just an asshole and I’m not going to change that and it doesn’t matter one bit what some asshole on the street thinks about me. If I overhead, say, my dad use the word dyke to describe me, that’s gonna break my heart and I’m going to have to address it and let him know he’s being an asshole, and I’m going to invest my emotions in his response.

2) I understand that intention matters. You’re just not going to walk around on this plant — including at A-camp, really — and not experience people saying things that bug you or hurt you. In Leslie Feinberg’s obituary, hir partner quoted hir as saying, “I care which pronoun is used, but people have been disrespectful to me with the right pronoun and respectful with the wrong one. It matters whether someone is using the pronoun as a bigot, or if they are trying to demonstrate respect.” I think about that a lot, about people in our community and even our allies who are trying hard to support us and love us but aren’t up to date on constantly evolving language around the intersection of our identities or are repeating things they’ve heard people on TV say affectionately about gay people and so that feels okay to them. I always factor my perception of people’s intentions into how I process and respond to the things they say, and if I feel like their intentions are loving but their behavior warrants comment from me, I do it privately and while letting them know I know they weren’t trying to hurt me. If, however, someone’s intention is to be a shit or if they just don’t give a fuck about other people’s feelings, I feel comfortable confronting them openly and firmly.

3) I always ask myself if someone’s words are bothering me because the words themselves are harmful or if their words are rubbing up against an insecurity or old wound or fresh bruise, and if, therefore, my reaction isn’t just to their words but to their words mixed with my own inside stuff. And once I’ve parsed that out, I figure out whether or not I should talk to them about it.

The truth is that hardly anyone in the world responds well to being told they’re acting like a jerk or that they’ve hurt you, so you’ve got to be smart about who you talk to about that and how you talk to them, for your own sake, and for the sake of your relationships. If someone matters to you and they’re hurting you, you have to find a way to frame a confrontation that will allow them to hear you and help heal you and then move on with your relationship. The person who told you the no PDA thing, for example. That’s just straight up homophobia and you can tell them so. How you tell them will depend on what kind of relationship you want to have after the fact.

So I read the YNH on falling for a man (even though I’m a lesbian), and the roundtable on internalized homophobia. They were stellar! In both of them, there were some great descriptions of the effects of internalized male gaze and misogyny. It occurred to me later that I really need to read more about that. I realize there’s probably a whole library full of books on freeing yourself from the male gaze, and lord knows I’ve been working on doing that freestyle for the longest time. I guess I’m just a lesbian science geek who never took a women’s studies class. I mean, I know about the patriarchy, and intersectionality, but what about the part where it gets into your head and you learn to judge your behavior by some fucking male standards? Or when you’re like, fuck y’all, I’m as butch and unshaven and confident as I wanna be, thank you very much, world, and then you gotta deal with men feeling threatened by you or assuming that you’re hitting on every woman in the vicinity when all you’re doing is going about your day. Or worst of all, when you want to smile at some super cute girl and say hi, and all you do is stand there mute and look at your shoes because expressing queer desire in front of other people feels like I’m committing a crime. There’s gotta be a book that can help explain WTF is going on there, right? That’s all the male gaze bullshit policing me, as far as I can tell, but what is up with that? There’s gotta be some theory or cultural critique or brilliant insightful writing that can illuminate this darkness. Help me out, Wizards of Autostraddle. I know you got this. Where do I start reading? Love you all!
Rachel: Hm, even though I think about the male gaze and internalized male gaze a lot I don’t think I have done a lot of reading on it actually — it’s so linked to daily life and the mundane experiences that shaped us growing up that I’m not sure whether reading is even the most helpful way to go about it? (I mean, reading is always helpful; I guess I mean for some people I think it works better to read theory and then look for it in their daily life, and then for some people it works to analyze their daily life and then go to theory later to contextualize it, idk which one you are.) I think for me the biggest thing that helped me understand and appreciate how male gaze functions was carving out a space away from it — that being the website you are on now! Where I work, living laughing loving breathing fighting with other queer women and nonbinary people pretty much exclusively. Now when I do re-enter spaces with men, I’m really aware of the pressure and weirdness that exerts on me, and I can see it more clearly and also learn to retroactively identify the ways in which it’s been there my whole life. (Emily Gould wrote about this recently in her newsletter, about working at the Wing, and I was like OH I forget that’s a novel experience for everyone else.) I know my job isn’t feasible for everyone (or really anyone who isn’t us) but maybe you can consciously build a space like that in your life, even a monthly potluck or something, and notice how it feels and what it does for you, and talk to other women about it. There was an essay related to this I used to really like called “Where Is the Script for Decentering Men?” by Tabitha Prado Richardson but the place it was hosted seems to be down which is making me NUTS, but as I remember a key point being that moving away from the centrality of the patriarchy and men in our lives involves first acknowledging and really witnessing the ways in which we’re conditioned to base our worth on them, and glossing over that kind of sets you up for failure in a way.

I hate shaving my legs but I also am self-conscious with hair on them. How does everyone deal with body hair in the summer months?
Rachel: I wasn’t sure if this question was meant as a rhetorical “ugh, how does everyone DEAL with this” or a literal request for an explanation of how we deal with it, but we can try to do both! Personally I don’t shave at any point in the year and haven’t for years and years; there are times when it’s uncomfortable or self-conscious, and I’m not sure that ever totally goes away 100%, but it has absolutely saved me time and energy and I feel like I can’t even remember anymore what it was like to invest concern and brainspace to that. I sometimes get pangs of… idk, shame? or anxiety? around realizing I’m being ‘unfeminine’ in public, but I recognize at this point that if I DID shave it would also give me weird pangs in my private life about my relationship to my own body and the public consumption of it, so. We make tradeoffs in every area of our life, and this is no exception, and I think at the end of the day you have to decide where the best balance of energy/feeling good about yourself/just living your life is. I will say that not shaving has led to really fascinating/enlightening/sad interactions with other women; I’ve had people tell me verbatim “I wish I could do that too, I wish I didn’t care about looking hot so much.” So in some ways it’s validating to be a visible option to not remove body hair for other people! (I still to this day remember the first adult woman I saw who didn’t shave her legs! Love u Ms. Murphy) (I should mention my body hair is pretty light in color and also I work from home and not in a “professional” environment and almost never interact with men in addition to being cis and white so the stakes are relatively low for me; I realize I’m not in the same position with that as almost anyone else on earth so maybe this experience isn’t really relatable or applicable to anyone else.)

My work is seasonal and I couldn’t afford A+ over the winter but now I can again and I just want you guys to know that I love you and appreciate you!

MISC

I’m so glad you wrote a thing about sexting after the negative take in NSFW Sunday, Carolyn! Thanks for redeeming it <3 it’s so fun and I just did it with someone new last week and it was a hot way to get to know him better before we go on our 3Rd date.
Heather: Hey, that’s excellent! Good luck!

Garlic bread grilled cheese sandwich. That is all
Rachel: Correct

Laneia: Yes.

I’d really rather you not give any time/energy to the ‘Roseanne’ reboot. Roseanne Barr is an outspoken TERF (they’re always so outspoken!) and I don’t believe she has any place here. Please protect the trans women who read this site by NOT giving her space.
Riese: We have not given her any space

Huh! Maybe the Roseanne reboot isn’t a raging Trumpster fire after all? (I haven’t seen it yet – I’m hopelessly backlogged even on shows I love. Still haven’t even seen Monday’s new episodes of Steven Universe!)
Laneia: Still not giving her space.

would love your opinion on the wing
Laneia: Are you talking about the bird appendage? I’m for the wing. I think it’s vital. I celebrate the wing.

seriously? it’s april 1st not armageddon
Riese: i think you spelled “christmas” wrong

Laneia: Definitely misspelled “Laneia and Riese’s Personal Holiday” but it’s ok our names are really hard to spell.

What is happening? Why is there Shenny everywhere on the site? Did I miss something? I thought WE DO NOT TALK ABOUT SEASON 6.
Riese: we didn’t talk about season six! Shenny Day was devoted to the Shenny pairing that we all believed in with our hearts, not the one that actually transpired in Season Six, which was written very poorly. Very poorly indeed.

RE: my previous questions on Shenny. I just remembered the date. Please disregard my previous entry.
Riese:

My imaginary girlfriend Alyson Stoner came out in Teen Vogue!
Heather: She sure did!

Do y’all answer every single You Need Help question because that is extremely kind of you
Rachel: We do not because there are a lot and some of them are more useful to answer publicly for the whole world to learn from than others, but we do hold all of them in our hearts

I just listened to Lena Waithe on this panel for WERK IT, a women in podcasting situation, and she is just the best human ever – you have to listen to the entire thing, she just drops uplifting pearls to all of us until literally the last second of their panel. 
Laneia: Thank you for this hot hot tip! If I loved and looked up to Lena Waithe anymore my neck would snap.

so it’s not technically gay but definitely related to yalls other interests: i just saw the film “thoroughbreds,” it’s about two teen girls collaborating to kill one of them’s stepdad, it’s really good, there’s a lot of creepy stuff but almost no gore, there’s also a lot of horse imagery, this one goes out to the horse girls and the misandrists
Rachel: Oh I REALLY wanna see this, as a horse girl who grew up into a misandrist who loves horror and true crime. I wish it were gay! I mean I wish everything were gay but it seems like it’s right there with this one, you know?

Hi! I was wondering if anyone can address cultural/racial diversity at Clexacon. I was following on Twitter and YouTube and was just glowy with how lovely everything was, but there was still this little nagging sadness that I wasn’t seeing myself as a Chinese American Queer person. I was hopeful that attendees would be able to sympathize with the deep part of ourselves that feel the lack of representation or tokenism as the side kick/trope, but based on the blips about Nafessa Williams’ panel and subsequent social media backlash it looked like it turned in to White Fandom v. Black Fandom rather than industry-wide continued lack of representation. Feeling like we’re just here for scraps of representation as a black or brown PoC continues to be a real problem. Thanks for any thoughts!
Heather: A lot of us followed that conversation really closely. I’m sure you understand that we can’t make any sweeping, like, “Autostraddle Responds to X Controversy” posts about conventions or summits or retreats or parties or comic-cons or any of that stuff. For one thing because there’s at least one major fandom/social media blow-up after every event put on for this community, but also because we’re not involved in the planning and we weren’t there in an official capacity endorsing or reporting or even really observing, so we don’t have a full picture of what happened, which is a bad position from which to undertake a reporting project. What we always do, however, is look at and talk about these controversies and conversations so we can figure out how to continue to make Autostraddle and A-Camp a place that centers black and brown POC writers, artists, performers, TV shows, etc. I absolutely agree with you that POC viewers have been repeatedly forced to be thankful for scraps when it comes to queer representation and we’re doing everything in our power to change that and to promote the shows and showrunners who are tackling that systemic and systematic problem head on.

Riese: We would lose our g-damn minds if somebody from another event commented on something that went down at A-Camp even though they weren’t there, so even though it makes total sense that you’d ask us, it’s actually very complicated on our end to say anything, even behind the paywall. We know that often after A-Camp there are so many rumors reported as fact, or things said based on no understanding of what happened behind the scenes (which we often can’t correct, because it’s private to the people involved) or acknowledgment of what’s been done to change things going forward — and the more we comment on other events, the more free people will feel to comment on ours, and 100% of the time thus far that has involved a lot of misrepresentation. We have messed up in the past and try our best to learn fro our mistakes and change things going forward. This doesn’t mean things don’t happen at LGBTQ events that we feel strongly about or that we don’t think we know how they could’ve fixed or done better — trust me, we do!!!! — but. Event-runners in general sort of all have an understanding that unless you like are blatantly exclusionary of any segment of our community for many many years against great backlash that we give each other that space to learn and don’t call each other out. But what Heather said is true — these conversations are worthwhile for us to observe and discuss internally and think about how and why we do what we do to make sure our spaces are affirming and that we do what we can to push forward poc-centric narratives, and I’m proud of our efforts in that direction this year especially.

Janelle Monae’s PYNK music video is the gayest thing I’ve seen in my whole gay life. Can’t wait to read the Autostraddle review!
Laneia: It’s literally gayer than all of us combined and covered in hummus.

Have y’all seen this new Nike commercial with Lena Waithe?!? This is my two worlds colliding… 
Rachel: I’ve watched it so many times

Do you remember Lucy from Parks and Rec? Natalie Morales? Why isn’t she getting cast?? She came out as queer a couple years ago and I think she is totes adorbs!
Rachel: I know!! I love her!! I loved her ever since The Middleman, which no one else on earth has ever seen. I will bake a cake for anyone who casts Natalie Morales! That’s a promise.

Station 19’s bisexual character is named Maya. Why is it always Mayas and Taras for queer ladies on TV?
Rachel: This is a great question and I want a deep dive on it REAL bad

dear carolheads check out this Hela-from-Thor sculpture and revel in the amazing likeness by “Jea-Sung, Eom (Head Sculpt)”
Heather: SOLD.

I haven’t looked at the TV coverage very closely but if you haven’t noted it, Santa Clarita Diet’s Lisa (bisexual neighbor) and Anne (lesbian cop) played big parts in season 2 and are quite fun
Heather: Oh yeah! I keep meaning to put this in Boob(s On Your) Tube! Carmen did all the research for me, I can’t watch this show because of my intense squeamishness!

Ummm, I was wondering if there wasn’t a Saturday Morning Cartoon every saturday anymore?
Riese: There is except when the cartoonists scheduled for that day don’t turn in their Saturday Morning Cartoon. Then we don’t have a cartoon to run.

Laneia:

what happened to GIBWK? Is she too busy? She does a lot <3
Laneia: Kristin’s been co-directing A-Camp and probably hasn’t a had a free second to even sneeze, poor thing!

Ugh ok, 2 things that are bumming me out this Monday morning: I heard from a semi-reputable source that not only are Janelle and Tessa not dating (which itself wouldn’t be so bad, bc if they’re not dating clearly they are v cute queer best friends who maybe dated at one point, and the fun is really in speculating wildly about all their interactions), but also that they apparently played up the idea that they might be for publicity for the album? Someone told me that the videos for Dirty Computer, where Tessa plays the love interest, were filmed after the ~viral tweet thread about the 2 of them and it was like a calculated money/publicity-making ploy. Ok, so like, obviously capitalism is a force, and there are worse things that it could cause to happen than a hopefully-beautiful (it hasn’t come out yet) “emotion picture” about queer black love!! This same person said that Janelle is maybe not actually queer and that both of them are currently dating men (the second thing, of course, not nec. meaning that they’re not queer!) and, again, idk how much credence to give to this like 3rd-hand gossip from someone semi in the queer media internet circuit, whatever that even means?? Like, for instance, has this person even seen Janelle/watched “Make Me Feel”? I want to just ignore this information and enjoy this queer emotion picture in peace!! But, anyway, feeling slightly bummed about that and just the general sensation that hearing this information relayed gave me. Stop trying to make us less happy, world! Let us have some good things! Second thing: I watched Disobedience last night and was extremely disappointed. Idk why I thought it would be great, or at least not tropey and only having one fairly male-gaze-y sex scene and with the only character with a dynamic emotional arc being a straight dude and also be sort of emotionally manipulative?? Not everything can be Carol. But, still, the specific way(s) that it was disappointing were a bummer. The Rachels looked great though! Did not know that Rachel Weisz (pronounced “Vice,” what the heck) was 48 — good for her and her face. Anyway that is all, and I’m sorry if this also bummed you out! Tell me it’ll be ok, and that we’ll get more Carols in the future, and possibly that one or more of you actually enjoyed Disobedience or at least thought it was good, and that even if Tessa and Janelle aren’t dating and/or queer, the fact that they’re giving us the gift of a beautiful queer woc love story with great music is still worth celebrating??

UPDATE: Hello I sent that long emotional message like 4 days ago being sad Janelle probs wasn’t dating Tessa and maybe wasn’t even queer and I’M SORRY NEVER MIND I’M SO GLAD THE PERSON WHO TOLD ME WAS SUPER WRONG THANK GODDESS

Rachel: Oh PHEW

Hello! This message is for Laneia who apologized profusely about there being 2 ads in the most recent newsletter and even included a special coupon code for the Autostraddle store to compensate: ONE OF THOSE ADS WAS FOR THE FILM DISOBEDIENCE AND THERE WERE TWO VERY HOT RACHELS WITH THEIR FACES VERY CLOSE SO ITS ACTUALLY MORE LIKE BONUS CONTENT THAN AN AD! That’s all; Y’all are doing a lovely job, have a nice day.
Laneia: THANK YOU I LOVE THAT YOU TOOK THE TIME TO SEND THIS.

IS ERIN OKAY? Did the meticulous examination of Carol for 30 days leave her in a state of permanent and irreversible swoon?
Heather: She is okay! She is reviving herself with martinis and creamed spinach and poached eggs!

Have any of you seen the movie Teenage Cocktail? It’s available on Netflix. I watched it the other night with super low expectations, because the plot description/main pic on Netflix is all about the 2 teen girl leads with a middle-aged man. But I thought it was actually a very sweet teen romance/thriller (sort of Pretty Little Liarsy) that always was on the side of the girls, had a pretty nuanced view of sex work (they’re cam girls), recognized toxic masculinity, and was genuinely nerve-wracking in the intense climax but also had a happy ending! There was the expected amount of male-gaze-y stuff, but it was also super cute, and I would recommend it for sure.
Heather: Thank you I will add it to my queue!

Music tip! Check out Kate Dressed Up! I saw the lead singer doing a solo show at a tiny bar in Somerville earlier this week and she had the place completely focused on her (I’ve been to nights there where the live band is more appreciated background music). The sound is folksy with nice loops and a beautiful clear voice (maybe? I’m not great at describing music). Bonus: she has a super #relatable song about realizing too late that that cute ‘straight’ girl you met was actually flirting with you the whole time. I was there with a couple of queermos and we lit up so much that 2 songs later a dude sitting near us asked if we were friends of hers who’d come to support her.
Laneia: Thank you for this hot hot tip!!!

y’all i just watched Tully and i’m SO mad!!!!! That movie was queer as hell but then it wasn’t?????? Who okayed this!
Heather: Console yourself with this masterpiece.

I just wanted to say thanks Laneia for including alt text in the Weekly! Also I think I’ve been seeing more alt text on the site. It’s much appreciated. <3
Laneia: You’re welcome!! I hope I never ever forget to include alt text ever again.

Not a question, but just want to tell you I am SO STOKED!! I just signed up for A+ and had no idea there’s a priority contact box?! Holy shit this is awesome and will lead me to less misuse of the “Ya’ll Need Help” submission form. (Laneia, that was me a few weeks ago that asked about the Queer IRL gallery. Shant happen again!) Lol, anyways I love AS and you all are awesome and make my life so so happy. <3
Laneia: Well you are thoroughly forgiven my friend.

I spit cereal on my laptop the second these Shenny shenanigans loaded – admirable work, team. You truly got me.
Laneia:

Happy April Fools Day!!!!! <3 You’ve outdone yourself! Thank you!
Heather:

Shenny prank? Clever
Laneia:

Hey all, can I just say that you’ve totally blown my mind first with 30 Days of Carol and then with Shenny Day. It’s been so joyful ! What a trip this has been. that fanfic sweet jeezus. THANK YOU from the overjoyed cockles of my heart. It’s amazing to me, I don’t know any of you and yet you do so many good things for me. Ahhhhhhhh! K I’ll stop now./strong>
Laneia:

Valerie Anne is a delight.
Laneia: Correct.

It sucks that comments directed at Cee are so often complaints — I get why, and people obviously are not wrong to point out issues with the site! But just wanted to send some love/appreciation towards Cee for keeping this giant ship afloat (that’s how websites work, right?). Thank you for all that you do!
Heather: Hear, hear!

Abeni is SUCH a great addition to the AS team <3
Laneia: I agreeeeeeee !!!!!

I didn’t want to put this in the comments because I didn’t want to interrupt the mood of everyone mourning the end of 30 Days of Carol by outing myself as someone who has never seen Carol, BUT I did want to let Erin know that her brilliance surpasses even the need for full context: As someone who has never seen Carol, I nonetheless thoroughly enjoyed and deeply appreciate the 30 Days of Carol posts. They made me laugh out loud every time. Thank you, Erin, for this treasure.
Erin: Anon reader, thank YOU. My connection to 30 Days of Carol — even though it was born out of this very detached headspace — became more about the readers pretty much immediately, so I love that you got the same kind of enjoyment that I got from all of you! You really did keep me young in an Amy Poehler as a mom in Mean Girls kind of way. It sounds like you’ve still not seen Carol though and I am so intrigued by the kind of person you are, reading about a movie you’ve never seen for 30 days straight and deciding at its end, still, “I’m good on watching it. Time to move on with my life.” Please write back and explain.

I’ve been sick and used the time to watch Queen Sugar, the only time I’ve sat down to watch a TV drama. It wouldn’t have been top of my list without Carmen’s writing on it here. I don’t have words for what a gift it is (also it led me to Arianna Davis’s interview with the cast that was the most uplifting thing I’ve seen in months) Thank you Carmen & Autostraddle.
Carmen: Oh great! I’m always excited to have another member join the Queen Sugar Fan Club!! It’s a television show that means so much to my heart. I’m so glad you enjoyed the show and I sincerely hope you’re feeling better!

You’ve been killing it with the round tables lately, team!
Rachel: THANK YOU FRIEND

Happy Lesbian Visibility Day!! Lesbians taught me how to be the queer/bi/pan misandrist free-ass motherfucker that I am today as much as other queer/bi/pan people did. I love autostraddle for showing me that our community rides TOGETHER. FOR EACH OTHER. Always. Y’all are a gift. Shine on.
Laneia: Gah I loved this, thank you!

Thank you for your acknowledgment of lesbian day of Visibility. Much appreciated
Heather: It was great fun, I was so proud of how that roundtable turned out!

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