Gwyneth Paltrow’s cookbooks and the entire GOOP empire are lessons in asserting dominance. She is the alpha and you’re not even the beta, you’re like an overflowing compost bin out in the hot sun. It’s like when my dad used to invite me to play tennis with him but rather than giving me a chance to volley would just ace me every point. But Gwyneth has had her time. Now it’s your turn to reverse the shame you’ve brought upon your family with these 20 appetizers that you’ll use as strategic power moves to reestablish dominance over her.
Crispy Smashed Potatoes with Avocado Garlic Aioli
Once she sees these she’ll realize she’s been serving her potatoes with too much finesse (her blind spot). Smashed is so rustic and therefore how this “root based food item” (her words) was meant to be eaten all along.
Gena’s Hemp Seed Tabouli
The use of hemp seed instead of quinoa or something like it will make her ask you who Gena is.
Edamame Hummus
She thought hummus was over, but edamame – it’s so simple. But, of course, that’s why she missed it.
Lentil Mushroom Walnut Balls with Cranberry-Pear Sauce
Getting her to eat cranberry sauce out of season is a crucial power move.
Miso Sweet Potato Bites
Oh god, she’ll think, round french fries.
Chilled Soba in Cucumber Cups
Usually her cucumbers go… in her soba noodles.
Harvest Apple Salad with Yellow Indian Woman Beans
Watch her reel as you casually mention a bean she’s never heard of.
Maple Pecan Spread
Usually guests get the first of everything, but since you’ll have this casually sitting out in a small container she’ll think it’s butter – which she won’t eat – and then you get the first bite.
Summer Squash, Goat Cheese, and Herb Roulades
Summer squash is sacred ground, and you’ve just staked the first claim.
Eggplant Yakitori
She’d probably written off this traditional Japanese chicken dish altogether, but your capacity for ingenuity based on necessity (not a Paltrow concept) allowed you to see that closed door as an open window.
Walnut-Horseradish Cheese in Endive Petals
Yes, this snack is self-contained and you’re eating them right off the table. This will be confusing, and being able to tell someone when to eat is another power move.
Peanut-Stuffed Okra Fingers
She’ll think “Okra and peanuts, how quaint. I love the American South,” but then you come flying through with a cumin, jalapeno, ginger, coriander, garlic and onion blend and this contrast in expectations with be devastating.
Yuba Rolls
She thought no one else knew about yuba sheets.
Vegetarian Dim Sum with Spinach and Mung Beans
Edible ties: also a power move.
Polenta Muffins with Green Peas and Feta Cheese
“I have some muffins baking,” you’ll say. “Oh, I don’t eat muffins, I try to stay away from that much sugar,” she’ll say, rounding the corner before seeing these. Roasted.
Beluga Lentil Caviar on Blini
This will remind Gwyneth of all of the parties her Hollywood family has attended and how she’s come by her good fortune without obstacles, whereas here you are, on your own, effortlessly perfecting lentil caviar.
Tender Chanterelle Salad
You could call these mushrooms anything really but the fact that you’ve introduced them as “tender” means she must respect them, and you.
Cauliflower Steaks with Olive Relish and Tomato Sauce
You’ll just keep repeating “steak” to this vegetarian over and over as she’s eating to create a weird dissonance in her brain, shaking her.
Blistered Padrón Peppers
These have been described as the “Russian Roulette” of peppers because although usually mild, every now and then one can be unexpectedly hot. Games of chance are the ultimate leveling of the playing field.
Roasted Red Pepper Soup Shots
Just because you don’t play by the rules doesn’t mean you haven’t just changed the game. Soups in mugs, mugs as shots, and food as alcohol means Gwyneth just got incepted.
I don’t understand why all cookbooks don’t have hints on how to passive aggressively present each dish like this. In fact, I don’t understand why there isn’t a #1 bestseller called The Passive Aggressive Cook Book.
million dollar idea
I can’t stop laughing! Also, drooling. (Well, not literally drooling. I just really like appetizers).
UGHGHGHHHHHHHHH
Sometimes I feel like my girlfriend and I are the only carnivores in this lesbian circus.
DEARLYLOVED IM SORRY AB THE VEG FARE!!
MEAT DOESN’T IMPRESS GWYNETH
Welcome to how us vegetarians feel in the wider circus of society.
#CarnivorePrivilege
I’m definitely going to keep these in my back pocket for when I finally compete on Chopped.
This is hilarious and delicious. It reminds me of that Clickhole article of seven vegetarian meals that Thomas Jefferson and Neil Armstrong cook together in hell (in the best possible way).
Victory is so close I can taste it. And it tastes like mashed fingerling and rosemary shephard’s pie amuse-bouche (it’s a perfect segue into talking about my summer cottage in Penzance too).
WELL DONE
Usually I would not find many of these foods appealing, but I haven’t eaten in 2 days and my mouth is watering. Someone shove these strange foods in my mouth NOW!
Tender Chanterelle sounds like:
+A sixties folk singer
+A page from the hippie reappropriation of the Kama Sutra
+A strain of weed
Or what a guy with a ponytail named his lute
I could keep this going for awhile
Pls do
Or the name of the band that said folk singer and lute player put together while smoking weed and musically interpreting the Kama Sutra.
i’ve been dreaming of a lifestyle magazine by 1995-era alanis morisette called NOPE. like GOOP, but for me, my friends, and hot topic teens.
u live u learn
My first thought reading the headline at cranky confused o’clock was something about dominance over GOOP not needing to be reestablished because my ass is bigger than hers and is therefore infallibly established.
I think it was something about hip checking tbh, but I could be wrong.
Erin, only you could make me this confused about my own thoughts.
Like some kind of internet age surrealist or dadaist.
“Watch her reel as you casually mention a bean she’s never heard of.” I’m dying…but I also feel compelled to Google, because I’m a little horrified I’ve never heard of it either.
Erin, this is excellent.
You are the Blanca Flores, Black Cindy and Freda to Gwyneth Paltrow.
Your move, Gwyneth.
You have no idea how much I appreciate your efforts at ousting quinoa here.
I’ve been longing for a way of life magazine by 1995-time alanis morisette called NOPE. like GOOP, yet for me, my companions, and interesting issue high schoolers.
Discount catering Direct