Welcome to Pretty Little Liars, that other TV show about four girls making bad choices as they try to grow up and find their way.
NOW WITH 25% LESS RACISM
We open on the starlit town of Rosewood where Aria is still sick/pregnant.
IT’S JUST BEEN SO HARD SINCE I FOUND OUT KATNISS HAS TO GO BACK INTO THE GAMES, YOU KNOW?
Maybe she didn’t get a flu shot. Did you get yours? No seriously, go get one. Fortunately she has Meredith by her side nursing her back to health with super special peach infused green black mango peppermint tea. Oddly the concept of tea seems to have eluded Emily.
WORST LESBIAN EVER
The Liars debate about what to do with Ali’s notebook pages. Aria decides that she’ll hide the pages until her dad comes home from some conveniently timed conference. She’ll confront him then and take it from there. She hopes this is just some wacky misunderstanding (which, knowing Pretty Little Liars it probably is) but if he really did kill Ali she’ll have to go the police.
WELL IF YOU DO GO THE POLICE AT LEATT TAKE KELLY KAPOWSKI TO KEEP YOU COMPANY!
Elsewhere, a hooded figure listens to some “hardcore rock music” and disarms some sort of alarm system. No wait, it’s two figures. Looks like MonA and TobAy have a new death metal stalker A lair of doom together.
FINALLY FIGURING OUT WHERE IN THE WORLD CARMEN SANDIEGO IS
Either way the two are hatching a new plan. Whoever’s on top of Mona has sent word from the top that it’s time to show the Liars what’s what. Scare the shit out of them. Oh I can’t wait.
RE: HILARY CLINTON
The next day, our favorite lesbian meets up with our least favorite man after Finn. TobAy lets Emily study at his place because she’s realized that all the hot lezzies at the library are just too distracting. Tobey tries to chitchat about A and MonA and that kind of close knit shit, basically trying to get Emily to open up to him. Just before he leaves, TobAy gives Emily his keys. As soon as he walks out the door, she calls Spencer and announces she has TobAy’s keys. Looks like The Liars have a plan. Could it be that they’re on step ahead and know all about TobAy being on the A Team? Almost definitely not, but it’s fun to fantasize.
SO IS IT OKAY IF I PADDLE PAIGE WITH THIS BOOK ON YOUR COUCH?
Starsweep to Hanna’s where she’s making the worst choices ever about how to dress for a job interview. She really should have read my Style Thief: Bette Porter. Either way Hanna has a hotshot interview with a fashion designer and she has Caleb over for some fashion advice.
WHICH ONE OF THESE SAYS LADY IN THE STREET, FREAK IN THE SHEETS
Hanna leaves the room to slip into something more comfortable, but overhears Caleb on the phone. Super sleuth computer cracker Caleb is sneaking around and agreeing to get in on something sneaky. For once ever, Hanna confronts him right away. So mature.
NO IT’S COOL WE CAN HAVE OUR SECERT CONVERSATION AT FULL VOLUME, MY GIRLFRIEND DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO EAVESDROPP
Hanna: Why are you talking about me on the phone?
Caleb: Whatever, I do what I want.
The two talk it out, but Caleb doesn’t back down because he’s a man and blah blah blah manhood.
LIKE SHOPLIFTING, HACKING INTO SCHOOL COMPUTERS, STEALING A TON OF MONEY, INTENTIONALLY RUINING YOUR DAD’S WEDDING, AND JUST GENERALLY LYING TO THE POLICE ALL THE TIME
Hanna resumes picking out her job interview look.
LIKE THE FEELDOE
At Spencer’s TobAy is taking a shower. There’s a long elaborate reason why, but whatever. He wants Spencer to come over and make love for their anniversary that night (gross) but Spencer has to go to a super fancy award ceremony family dinner elsewhere. As soon as TobAy leaves it becomes obvious that there is no family dinner. Momma Spencer is on payroll and helping Spencer plan a big surprise anniversary dinner for TobAy over at his place. Oh, that’s why Emily wanted his keys. Lame.
JUST REMEMBER, IF HE WANTS YOU TO DO SOMETHING NEW AND CRAZY JUST SPIN AROUND AND DO REVERSE COWGIRL
At Aria’s, Meredith sneaks around the house like the worst person in the world. I guess she wants those diary pages back. My favorite part is how she’s searching around the living room like that’s where a a high school girl would hide something important. Yeah, that makes sense. Meredith has Aria drinking cup after cup of that good old special tea and snoozing away the afternoon. Oh. Shit. Meredith is drugging her. Duh.
THE FENG SHUI OF THIS ROOM IS SO OFF.
At school, Emily brings Paige a super fancy meal of rosemary chicken and kale salad. God I love kale. I wish I had a girlfriend to cook me delicious kale. I wouldn’t even need the rosemary chicken as long as the kale was cooked really well.
I EVEN USE KALE TO MOISTURIZE MY FACE!
Is it just me or is kale kind of in style? Wait. Or maybe kale is just really gay. Or both. Either way Emily has the lunch set up all fancy. Like with a table cloth and everything. Guys, a real live table cloth. This is so unfair. Why are these fictional characters living my fantasy meal moment.
OH BABY. THAT IS A LOT OF KALE.
Emily tells Paige she still has a lot of feelings about Paige’s feelings. Like all the feelings feelings. They discuss whether or not to get a cat but decide they should wait until they can decide between naming it BOTP or Ani DiFranco Jr. Paige informs Emily that she’s going to see someone that afternoon about all the anxiety she’s been having. Awesome, that’s one girl in therapy. How do we get the rest of the kids in town into some? Seriously there are not enough therapists in the state of Pennsylvania to deal with the number of traumatized kids in this town. At what point should the town start trying to train monkeys to listen?
I SAW ON THIS SHOW CALLED “THE L WORD” THAT WE’RE SUPPOSED TO SPEND MORE TIME PROCESSING OUR FEELINGS
Hanna shows up and needs some Em-Em time.
GIRL ON GIRL ON GIRL TIME
Hanna wants Emily to follow Caleb after school Veronica Mars style. Emily’s not so sure this is a good idea because, um, it’s a terrible idea. I guess Hanna doesn’t really understand about trust and stuff. C’mon Hanna, I just gave you all sort of maturity cred like five minutes ago!
IT’S A TOUGH JOB BUT SOMEONE’S GOTTA DO IT
Meredith runs by school and tells Ella that Aria is feeling much better. Liar! Ugh, every time I want to point out that someone’s lying I feel like an idiot. I should expect this. Three seasons later and it’s still in the title. Ella calls Aria to check in, but it turns out Meredith has her phone. What a fucking snake.
MEMO TO SELF: PICK UP MORE EX-LAX ON THE WAY HOME
At TobAy’s apartment, Spencer cooks up her epic big meal for TobAy. She goes for lasagna which is a super good idea as far as I’m concerned. Seriously, pay attention here. Lasagna is a great dish for when you want to impress someone but also need to make sure it doesn’t blow up in your face. Spencer also scored some red wine! And a scrabble board. Unclear.
NEXT PLAY IS RVAG OFF OF “YOU”
Over at Corrie’s Boutique of love and mystery, Hanna goes to interview for her new job. Before she can even get in the door she sees Ali’s reflection in the window. Or does she? Who knows.
AND WHO AM I? THAT’S ONE SECRET I’LL NEVER TELL.
Inside the design studio, Hanna gets caught amongst dozens of naked mannequins. Good old fashioned hoodied A is everywhere and pushes a whole row of mannequins into Hanna.
OH THE HUMANITY!
It’s shot really dramatically but actually, when you think about it, it might be the least scary thing ever. Like… an open show room with mannequins? Seriously? Are we running out of actually scary shooting locations? What’s next, A chases The Liars through a children’s birthday party?
NEXT TIME YOU BETTER THEME IT UNICORNS -A
Through the choir room?
NEXT TIME IT’S MY SOLO BITCH -A
Through the shooting location of The Real L Word?
NEXT TIME ROMI WON’T BE AT THE DOOR -A
Wait. That last one was actually scary.
Hanna is all shook up. Fortunately, she realizes, A dropped a key. Upon several re-watches it looks kind of intentional, but that could also just be poor acting.
I’M ONLY INTERESTED IF THIS IS LITERALLY THE KEY TO PAIGE’S PANTIES
Starsweep to the mean streets of downtown Rosewood where Emily tails Caleb after school. I must say she’s the hottest little spy I’ve ever seen.
THIS SHOT BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE REALIZATION THAT ALL ANY OF US CARE ABOUT IS THEIR BEAUTIFUL SHINY HAIR
He goes to a coffe shop but Emily can’t see who he’s meeting with. But we can! Turns out it’s Paige. I guess the person who Paige was talking to isn’t a therapist, it’s Caleb. Talking to your girlfriend’s friend’s girlfriend about your problems instead of a professional?
BECAUSE, LIKE, WE ALWAYS ROLEPLAY THAT SHE’S SANTANA AND I’M BRITTANY BUT WHY CAN’T I BE SANTANA SOMETIMES TOO? IT’S NOT HEALTHY
Oh wow, that’s healthy. Nothing like a raging moment of martyrdom to really seal the deal on a codependent relationship. Paige and Caleb hatch a plan to beat MonA. They decide they’re going to sniff out MonA’s cubby hole of hoarder shit. I hope that when they do find A’s Lair they actually go ahead and alert the Hoarders productions team. Rachel and I used to watch that show together and and shit gets so real.
THIS IS THE MOST EMOTION HE COULD MUSTER UP ABOUT THIS PLAN.
At Hanna’s, the girls wonder what’s up with the A key and Hanna’s attack. They also muse over why Hanna has chosen this specific moment to show off her new Uncle Sam costume.
RE: IFC MAKING A REAL L WORD DOCUMENTARY
What if underneath Hanna’s face was another face only that face was another face that looked just like Hanna. Whoa. Deep.
FYI GIRLS DO TOO
Okay I think I need an emotional page break.
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i haven’t been able to watch the show since season 1, but oh my god this is the funniest thing.
I just have to say, I’m calling shenanigans on them bringing Aria Saved by the Bell. They’re supposed to be what, 18? The original was off the air before they were even born. No way they are in to that show enough to own the box set.
Sorry, that’s been bothering me since I watched it.
Also, Aria’s mirror shiv made me gain a whole new level of respect for her.
Also Bianca Lawson (Maya) was definitely in Saved by the Bell, right?
Yes, 800 (or 10) year ago. Apparently Drusilla turned Kendra into a vampire and she stopped aging
And then, like the Cullens, she decided to just go to high school again.
She was in Saved by the Bell: the New Class which was just not the same except a couple of crushworthy ladies including Sarah Lancaster aka Chuck’s sister(on Chuck) and another lady who went on to play an ex of Shawn on Boy Meet’s World in a memorable episode where he was handcuffed by three of his hot exes, including Alex Mack. Gosh the 90s were wonderful/confusing.
Saved By the Bell is HUGELY popular with kids right now. It is on in syndication and often plays before school. It isn’t weird, at all.
Huh, interesting. Good on them, it’s a quality show. I just hope no baby gays follow in my footsteps and try to be AC Slater, mullet and all.
yeah, as someone else said it was in syndication for a lot of years and that’s how I got into it when I was younger (I’m 18 now). Before ABC Family started with their own original shows it was strictly old episodes of Saved By The Bell, Full House, Family Matters and Step By Step so people my age would watch them when we were sick and what not…
I have never swooned because of kale until now, but when Paige busted out that gay ass kale it was over. Mini picnic table for condiments? NOPE. It’s the kale that does it for me. Cut to Paige suddenly getting texted by every bro in school whose girlfriend just turned to them and said “Why don’t you treat me right like that?”
NEXT TIME IT’S MY SOLO BITCH -A
In which rAchel can’t handle it that Mr Schue gives the solo to Quinn FabrAy and this was the text Quinn got right before she got hit by that truck.
I’m pretty sure I just watch the show for Paige’s face now, but Spencer’s face made my face cry.
Remember when Spencer found the hole in Toby’s jeans and was like “You know I could fix this for you! I sewed my entire Mary Queen of Scots dress without a pattern because whatever I’m perfect, deal with it”? I think that was supposed to be the explanation for why the key was dropped after A attacked Hannah. Presumably that was TobAy shoving mannequins at her and the key slipped through the hole in his pocket on his way out.
why do I know all of this whyyyy
It’s going to be hilarious when they all go to different college and this all just goes away.
You know they’ll all go to the same college and even with different majors they’ll end up in the same classes.
I wish my high school life was more like there’s. I know there’s the whole almost constantly being axe murdered, but they get fantastic wardrobes out of it.
*like theirs
Dear God, I feel ashamed.
Okay, what. Why the fuck wouldn’t Aria have used her computer and tweeted or messaged her friends to be like “I’m locked in my room, probably drugged by Meredith, call the police”. And ugh, Ella, way to be a doting parent by NOT checking in on your daughter and letting your ex-husband’s mistress do all the mother work. Seriously.
OH. AND ALSO. SPENCER HOW DID YOU ACQUIRE A BOTTLE OF WINE FOR YOUR DATE. YOU’RE A FUCKING HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT. WHAT IS IT WITH AMERICAN TV SHOWS ALLOWING HIGH SCHOOL KIDS TO DRINK WINE IN A NON-HOUSE PARTY SETTING.
YES TO ALL THIS.
I’m just happy someone finally thought to bring a flashlight into the ominous location of the episode.
I’m glad I wasn’t the only one wondering about the wine too, lol.
I thought about spending some of my Sunday watching this ep. But I read this instead :) Thank you for writing about these stupid, stupid gals.