Welcome to You Need Help! Where you seek advice and we try our very best to give it.
This has traditionally been done by way of individual Formspring accounts, Autostraddle’s Tumblr and a Formspring Friday column, which has all been very fun and insightful. But, because Formspring has a character limit and we’re wildly optimistic w/r/t our time-management skills, we thought we’d go one further and let you use our ASS private messaging to share advice-related feelings, too.
For more info on sending in questions, see the bottom of this post. Let’s get down to bossing people around on the internet! Today we’re gonna tell you what to do with unexpected feelings.
Question
I’ve been hooking up with this girl for months. We had a serious no dating/no feelings clause. But… now I like her. Like REALLY like her. I think she might like me too but I dont even know and I’m TERRIFIED to say anything since our relationship has always just been purely sexual. But sometimes she holds my hand when we sleep. I feel so mixed up. I’m scared to ruin what we have, but I think I might want more?
Answer:
Apparently in April I would’ve told you that these were your rules, and that trying to change those rules mid-game wouldn’t be fair; that you’d just have to play this game harder: she holds your hand while you sleep, you big-spoon her. For every inch of heart-breakingly adorable she is, you be a mile.
And I was well on my way to giving you this advice when my activity partner told me that was wrong. She said telling you to keep playing this game would be like “telling her not to leave her 8-tracks in the sun.” And actually I think she’s right.
The rules of your relationship were established when things were a certain way and you were on the same page. So it’s like you both had 8-tracks, and the #1 rule was that you didn’t leave your 8-tracks in the sun because duh they’ll melt. But now you have CDs, so the rules related to 8-tracks and the sun don’t really apply to you. The world is new! And while you could drop hints and send out feelers (figuratively/literally), I’d advise against playing any more games because I’ve just never been excited about having to wait for outcomes. The only way to know for sure if she has CDs instead of 8-tracks is to flat out ASK HER.
But wait! Before you do that, please sit down and get to know the big fluffy elephant in the room named This Could Hurt In The End — he’s a real nice guy, super down to earth. Also, it could hurt in the middle or the beginning, too! No promised rose gardens, etc! It’s really true that sometimes things become totally and entirely fucked, and yes that’s an off-putting thought. But the thing is, getting there was probably nice? And it’s the promise of new, unfucked things that keeps us going. Or our ability to unfuck the fucked things. I mean even your hair gets tangled, you know?
Right, but back to you specifically! If you really want to know how she feels, you’ll need to ask her. Don’t do it right before or after sex (or during, for crying out loud). Also I’d avoid broaching the topic when you’re either ovulating or about to start your period, and I say this with complete sincerity. Do it on a good hair day, when your bank account is relatively satisfactory, your house is clean and you have plans the next day. And you’re not bleeding.
It’s probably safe to say that things won’t go back to the way they were before you told her, regardless of her response, which is good because the way things are now probably isn’t a lot of fun for you, w/r/t those extra smushy feelings that you’re currently feeling in silence.
If your sexfriend has also upgraded from 8-tracks and wants to pet your face and meet your mom, congratulations! You will probably be as cute as these two cuties. However, if she isn’t ready for the relationship to move in that direction, please remember that you will live to see another day. She may need some time, or think that you need some time, and maybe you will. I highly recommend reading Grace’s Rejection 101: A Lesbian’s Guide to Getting Turned Down, Keeping Your Head Up.
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Your turn! Have you fallen for a sexfriend? How’d that work out for you? What do you think our soft-hearted questioner should do? What are the chances this will turn into a discussion about polyamory / open relationships? Like 37%? Seems about right.
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