1. Not a Box of Chocolates
Just get a regular ass candy bar. Why bother with a mystery box of disappointment when you can go with the tried and true candy bar of your choice. Do you really want to take your chances with a box of eerily similar yet differently disgusting chocolates? Why is divinity the name of a chocolate? Why was white chocolate invented? Will white people let us have ANYTHING.
2. Sunflower Seeds
This is my counter to flowers. Giving someone flowers is placing a burden on them. There’s more work for the end receiving the flowers than there is for the giver and what do you get out of it? Nothing. And don’t assume people have vases. I don’t like your vase privilege. It’s hard enough to take out the trash, now I have to be reminded of my own laziness with the smell of decaying flowers (which only reminds of the decaying relationship). Plus, who doesn’t like sunflower seeds? Keep your mouth busy.
3. Sparkling Apple Cider
I am not exaggerating when I say I would take sparkling cider over wine or champagne 100 out of 100 times. What even is the point? To get drunk you say? Just pour some whiskey in that bitch if that’s what you need to do. Otherwise, a bottle of sparkling apple cider has all the elegance and occasion of wine or champagne. The only exception I will even consider is if you and your boo are going to perform “Champagne” from In the Heights. Then live your life and dibs Usnavi.
4. House of Cards Season 2
Instead of having sex just prop up those pillows and catch a couple eps. This doesn’t need further explanation, it’s just a great show that is equally deserving of your love and attention. You can get in a quickie while the credits play between episodes.
5. Sitting in Silence
Did you know that 50% of all songs you’ve ever heard will remind you of an ex? Well that’s true for everyone so if you try to make someone a romantic playlist, chances are you’re just going to remind them of someone else and that fleeting smile will only fleet for half a second but that’s long enough to notice. Just sit in silence, it’s not worth it.
6. Going to Olive Garden
Everyone wants to make fun of Olive Garden and it doesn’t make sense. Olive Garden isn’t trying to be anything other than Olive Garden. Let Olive Garden live and let yourself THRIVE. Frankly, hating any establishment that has unlimited anything is un-American.
7. Sweatpants
Fuck dressing up. There are enough other reasons to dress up throughout the year: weddings, fancy parties, days where you just need to convince yourself you have a purpose and think that will help. Soft pants are probably the only thing you love more than your partner. And who are you people that prefer the sweatpants with the opening instead of the scrunchie part? If that’s you, dump yourself.
You could certainly sub sparkling cider for champagne in all In The Heights-related activities; that is probably what they did on Broadway.
Well. That’s ‘Champagne’ in my head for the next three days.
“And who are you people that prefer the sweatpants with the opening instead of the scrunchie part? If that’s you, dump yourself.”
RIGHT!?! Who are these people for real though? I always just imagine a huge warehouse of all the open leg sweatpants ever made rotting in darkness.
I like open-leg sweatpants and I will not be shamed! I have long legs and the scrunchy ones always ride up too high and make my ankles cold. The open-leg ones droop pleasantly over my fuzzy slippers and ensure a maximal coziness factor. SO THERE.
No no, it depends on your level of sweatpants commitment. If you are running errands in sweatpants, you want the open leg to protect those shy, cold ankles.
And also to not look like a ten year old at softball practice. (That might be less of an issue if you are a normal size adult, and not…travel sized.)
it totally depends! If I’m doing things in my sweatpants then scrunchy bottom ones win because the leg narrows and they fit in my winter boots. If I’m staying inside though… I’m currently in love with my open legged ones. I can wear my giant house slipper/boots and get layers of fleece around my ankles.
Oh I fully respect everyone’s right to their sweatpants choices! In my mind though there aren’t actually people who buy the open leg ones haha. I just feel that sweatpants are like a hug for the lower half of my body which is incomplete without an elastic snuggling with my ankles.
I just bought my first ever pair of sweatpants, just in time for Valentine’s Day. Don’t worry, they have scrunchie leg openings.
For the second year in a row, a friend and I will be dressing up in our best and going out to Olive Garden in the hopes that we can confuse everyone into thinking we’re a couple.
(This morning we made funfetti pancakes, it was glorious.)
This is the best.
that is true friendship right there.
Sweatpants, Netflix and whatever unromantic snack foods I feel like? I just realized I celebrate Valentine’s Day every weekend!
This made me laugh so hard! I’m with you on the scrunchie leg thing.
this speaks to me
“How do you get this gold shit off?” is perhaps the greatest moment in the history of musical theatre, so I thank you for that reminder.
Also, yes. Olive Garden is bland and dull but it’s everywhere and it’s safe and I could eat unlimited amounts of that salad forever.
Yes @ 2:
Never ever gift cat owners flowers! There is no place in their apartment where your fancy bouquet is safe from being stolen, chewed up, and destroyed.
Yes! And please don’t give pet owners flowers with the potential to kill their pets!
http://www.aspca.org/pet-care/animal-poison-control/toxic-and-non-toxic-plants
Clearly in addition to being hilarious Bistheperfectvalentine.
Having worked Valentine’s Day at the Olive Garden some years ago, I would suggest to all patrons attempting suggestion #6 that you prepare yourself for a long wait by perhaps bringing a book of crossword puzzles or a candy bar of your choice
OMG OLIVE GARDEN
for valentines day this year i made my girlfriend a bouquet that just consists of a bunch of tiny whiskey bottles and i am heading over there in sweat pants to eat macaroni and watch bad reality tv. i love today.
But the best alternative is watching Camp Takota (camptakota.com) with Hannah Hart, Grace Helbig and Mamrie Hart. You can wear sweat pants and eat all the snack foods while watching it in the comfort of your own home.
Yes! I did this and it was the best. So many warm fuzzy feelings.
I am not a fan of valentines day so I took an on-call shift tonight so I have an excuse to sit at home watching Netflix and eating nachos. Though now I wish I had sparkling apple cider.
<3 Olive Garden breadsticks, no shame
right?
“Why was white chocolate invented? Will white people let us have ANYTHING.”
THIS. I hate white chocolate with a passion. I worked at an ice cream shop one summer and dipping waffle cones into white chocolate was the bane of my existence.
This made me laugh so much. I hate white chocolate too. How to guarantee an anti-climax.
It should be illegal to call white chocolate “chocolate”.
I shamefully admit to liking white chocolate but I have to say “Why was white chocolate invented? Will white people let us have ANYTHING” is possibly the best line ever.
We could rename it ”cloyingly sweet bar of cocoa fat”?
I just read most of this out loud to my sister on the phone, because it was too funny not to.
Pizza and finishing up my re-watch of House of Cards season 1 (cause I got too caught up in Olympics to finish it before today) so I can watch season 2 over the weekend (and in between more Olympics coverage).
During yesterday’s snow day, I was scolded by my sister for not wearing sweatpants. In my defense, I was wearing my crappy but comfy skinny jeans that have a hole in the crotch so I wasn’t exactly dressing for leaving the house.
Also Camp Takota anyone? The best Valentine’s gift I’ve given myself ever.
well, we went the route of a $2 movie theater with a “you do you” flask filled with whiskey. Classy. I have yet to finish season one of “House of Cards,” though. Am desperately looking forward to both seasons.
The part about the sweatpants, though–SO TRUE! PREACH.
Nice perspective lol. Each year I assumed the mysterious box would become delicious.
Goddammit, I love this.
Thank you, AS Facebook for re-posting this article because it is beautiful.