Welcome to Excerpts From My Super-Secret Diary, an A+ feature for Silver & Gold members in which we publish for you some of our incomplete and/or highly personal thoughts we’ve written down, usually with actual pens. Today, Nikki presents some very on-brand excerpts from her colorful journals.

I didn’t figure out I was gay until 2013 when I was in my late 20’s and struggling with oh shit, I think I have fallen for my straight female friend and all the emotions that come along with that.  Here are some of my words I wrote in my diaries that range from figuring out I was gay, dealing with my friend situation, moving to a bigger city and basically just trying to deal with my tangled necklaces of emotions. 

1.

May 30, 2014

I think I am keeping my new alternative hair cut.  More people have complemented me on my new haircut than any haircut I have ever received.

2.

June 16, 2014

I think I figured out this bus thing.  I Googled “How to ride a bus?” and I’m feeling pretty good about it.

3.

October 12, 2013

Title of one of my journal entries: Feelings & Shit

4.

MY JOURNAL ENTRY AT MY FIRST A-CAMP on October 10, 2013 is just a bunch of questions.

a. What type of underwear do I wear?

b. Am I only attracted to Abby Wambach?

c. What does anything even mean?

d. Can I have a guide book?

e. Do we have to talk about my feelings?

f. Why do I feel so different from everyone else?

g. Why can’t I follow my heart?

h. WHY MUST I MAKE THIS SO DIFFICULT?

i. Why is everyone on Autostraddle so good looking? Is it a requirement?

j. Why can’t you see that is the gayest thing you have ever written?

k. Why are you still questioning yourself?

l. WHY AM I SO AWKWARD?

5.

November 1, 2013

I’m pretty sure I just outed myself on my own Facebook.

6.

I finally see why people like me. (I think?)

7.

10/14/2014

I didn’t hold you until after your mom asked me to be your godmother. I know, I’m sorry. Babies freak me out. It’s nothing against you as a human though.

8.

Not wanting to burden anyone with my problems, I mean they’re my problems. I can make it better because I’m independent and strong and all those things that I strive to be.

9.

You were always so playful when we would drink. I would eat it all up. When you would be sitting down you would wrap your legs around me, immobilizing me from leaving. I was in heaven.

10.

WHY DID I DESTROY THE POEMS I WROTE YOU? (Note: They would be perfect A+ content now!)

11.

I don’t know how this happened but one night we ended up spooning, it freaked me out. I really liked it, I never wanted it to end and I really didn’t want to dig too deep on why I liked it so much. I think I pulled away first and I told you after I didn’t like it. I didn’t want have sex with you, I just wanted to hold your shopping bags when we went shopping, have you laugh at my jokes and let me clean your apartment.

12.

LIST OF THE ALL THE THINGS I MADE FOR YOU (2006 – 2011) – TOTALLY NOT GAY

a. Colored you a picture of a purple Booh-Bah

Oh, you don’t know what a Booh-Bah is? YEAH, NEITHER DO I

b. Made you a Shadow Box gift of all of our moments & jokes for your birthday

c. Co-Organized a Surprise Graduation Party

d. Made you a dance of why we’ll miss you when you graduate

e. Jumped into Lake Superior in September in a boys’ Spiderman costume for you

f. Made you a get well soon card when you got shingles

g. When you were really mad at me I played you a song over the phone and sang along so you would forgive me.

h. When you were going through a rough patch, I drove to your mom’s house 20 min away to put a gift on your car

i. When you had surgery I made you a gift package for recovery

j. I made you 25 Things when you were sad.  It was for you to open one per day so you could look forward to something.

k. When you were moving away, I called in sick to work and made you a gift to place on your doorstep. I put ribbon on your railing so you know I had been there.

l. Made you a slideshow for your eyes only that had the song, “Wouldn’t It Be Nice.” by the Beach Boys (totally not a gay thing to do).

13.

When I go from regular writing to writing cursive in my journal you know I’m in an emotional downward spiral.

14.

May 20, 2013

I fell really hard in feelings for this person. I didn’t know what was going on. Is this normal? I called up a friend to ask about crushes. What is going on? WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME? I can’t stop thinking about this person. She had picked me up at the end of the night. I love being picked up.

15.

11/30/2014

I don’t know how I got to this moment. I keep replaying how I got here in this moment. It seems illogical. Like I skipped from the Gingerbread Plum Trees directly to the Lollipop Forest.

16.

One of my biggest secrets that I never told anyone is: The only reason I wanted to raise money is because I was coming to terms with being gay and I didn’t know what else to do. I mean right, find out you’re gay and then raise money for special needs kids. That seems logical.

17.

2013 is also when I started reading Autostraddle more regularly. I found Autostraddle by typing into Google into all caps letters: AM I GAY? When I knew it as Autostraddle: the one site prettier than all the other gay lady sites.

18.

I have lived this life of half-truths and things I’ve done just to survive. I’ve pretended to be really happy and can usually throw on a smile whenever people are around.  I don’t want people to see my darkness.  I don’t want the light of their headlamps to find the darkness I keep close to my skin.

19.

In all honesty, it won’t mean anything to me.  It will just be another make-out to a face without a name. The many make-outs I’ve had in my past with boys and men I didn’t care about. The ones I just used and left for my own personal point system. It will make me feel sad the next day. Like it always does, like I have a missing piece. I can’t do that to myself anymore.

20.

I want to feel feelings. That is all I want. I want to feel actual feelings. I have done my time with the make-outs to nowhere. I want to have a conversation with someone I really actually like. I want to feel human instead of a version of a version of someone I think I should be.

21.

I don’t want straight friends anymore. I can’t emotionally do it. When I’m sad, I don’t need a fucking “you just need to be happier” speech. I want queer friendships that aren’t emotionally draining. When I’m sad I just want people to be like “Okay! Be you. I’ll be here if you need me.” I don’t need to be fixed because I’m not broken. What I need is for it to not feel like I’m a fucking stain on your life. I need to not be okay sometimes and I need for everyone to just fucking understand that.

22.

09/25/2015

Your laugh could fill me with the warmth of 1000 summer days and make me feel like I was the funniest person on the fucking planet. I wonder if I will ever find someone with a laugh to fill up my heart as well as you.

23.

12/20/2014

Six months I was in Seattle. Six months of missed birthdays, missed life events, missed conversations and laughter. Who says you can’t come home? You can come home but home won’t be the same as you left it. Things change. People move on.

24.

12/31/2013

I have climbed my mountain, I have made it to the top. At the top of the mountain was not the mythical beast I had imagined. There were no harsh judgements or evil stares. There was only the monster in my own head, my own thoughts, my own fears. Fear is a very strange emotion; it can control your outlook and how you react or act. I was my biggest hurdle and continue to be.

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!