Welcome to Excerpts From My Super-Secret Diary, a new A+ feature for Silver & Gold members in which we publish for you the incomplete and/or highly personal thoughts we’ve written on paper with actual pens.
Today, Laura is sharing excerpts from the diaries she kept in grades 8-10. Apologies to everyone. It was a time.
1.
Smoking — not a good idea, but not a sin.
“Damn” and “Shit” and “Bitch” and “Asshole” aren’t swear words. They are mere vulgarities. Only using God’s name in vain is swearing!
2.
In English we typed copies of paragraphs we wrote. Since I had only four sentences my grade started at 50% but I switched it when she was turned away to six sentences. I was lucky.
The topics were so stupid it wasn’t even starting to be funny. I chose “My Favorite Meal.” Pathetic, that’s what it is. Just pathetic!
3.
[extensive quotes from all the sexy parts of The Woman Who Rides Like A Man by Tamora Pierce]
4.
I can’t remember much about my dream now. What I do remember is sitting with my back to the footrest next to Allison in the living room along with Kate, Megan, Seana and one other friend. Allison all of a sudden goes, “yea…. I think you and me are like…. best friends.” I was really flattered but then I laughed and told her me and Kate were best friends. And Kate agreed with me and said she was over here almost every day.
5.
Ash Wednesday 2001
People are a lot more mature this year. A lot. Like, last year, everybody’s like — you’ve got a black spot on your forehead. You’ve got dirt on your face. Did you get into a fight? What’s that? What’s it for?…you know, that.
This year, only Sarah was like that, and not much. She just forgot it was Ash Wednesday, so she’s like: “You’ve got a black spot….” and I’m all sarcastic “Yea, Sarah, I do.”
Then she remembered.
6.
Let’s be realistic for a moment, shall we? It’s never gonna happen.
Unless I get in a good game of truth or dare or even spin the bottle. But in truth or dare they could make me do anything and the chances of just a kiss are slim. It would be like, make out and let his hands go up your shirt. And I’d be like NO. That was what Sarah told me she had to do once with Nick. She is such a slutty hoar [sic]. Nice, but really a skank.
7.
Kate told us the thing about Carly at track. In her lunch period, Carly had asked her table what they would say if she was a lesbien [sic]. They said like I’d say… GOODBYE! and she was quiet. Then, totally serious, she said, “I am!”
So when Kate told me and Allison, I’m like, “how does she know? Maybe she hasn’t found someone yet…. or maybe she has.”
And they’re like ew, stop Laura. And we went back as before.
8.
Sometimes I get into these long drawn out moods of almost-depression. Nothing goes my way. None of my friends notice how I feel. I put up a fake front of happiness.
I am in recovery now from one such mood. Things are beginning to look up — but nobody notices me. I’m still bogged down by past mistakes.
My life sucks!
9.
In English I painted my mask navy blue and stars and purple and blue. I was happy.
Then we got ready for gym. Tim set his bag near mine and brushed my arm. I was wicked happy. A bottle broke inside and a puddle sat by our bags. He moved his bag and [unreadable] followed it. A bottle of cologne had broken. He threw it away.
Gym was ok. We did physical fitness where we did sit and reach, then played the rest of the period.
Then we went back into the locker room. I opened my locker, and smell came out at me. I guess the cologne got on my bag too, b/c it all rushed out of my locker at me. I leaned against the bag and stared at the ceiling, ready to cry.
No one noticed.
10.
I told him his favorite orange soda tasted like Orange Clean.
11.
Broadway (is dark tonight) came on, by the Goo Goo dolls, and it just clicked. I totally got the song.
So I got on AIM and changed my colors and made a profile with some of the lyrics. Then I wrote in my journal. Then dinner.
Then I got on the comp, I put up an away message, and proceeded to rewrite like the whole profile. A *purple line* was on top of the quote of Allison (“I can’t sleep…”) w/ the %n thing, so the screen name is substituted (in dark blue w/ light blue lettering). Then a purple line. Then dark blue. Space. Line. Then in dark green with light green letters: “No one remembers when you’re right, but everyone remembers when you’re wrong.”
Or something to that effect.
12.
The girl next to him has a very high pitched voice. She looks very friendly. Her hair is a natural yellow colour, and she has clay earrings. She laughs often. It is high pitched, like her voice. She is cheerful in her anxious state, determinedly so. I like her. She reminds me of a canary. Her name is Ellie.
13.
I played Spit with Ellie. Some guy from the California group came over and sat on the armrest of my chair/bench thing. He had messy brown hair and a hard mouth. He wore a dark blue buttony shirt and cargo-ish pants. He asked where we were from. I said New York. I kind of ignored him. I was absorbed in the game. He asked what we were playing. Spit, said Ellie and me. He watched a bit. I didn’t say more. I barely looked at him (stupid me) and then he left.
I looked over and kind of went, oh! He wasn’t from our group! And I saw his face clearly and it was cute and God was pleased but I played Spit more. Ellie wondered why he came over and I wanted to go visit, but he was surrounded by girls thereafter and Ellie teased and I blushed and I lost my first game of Spit over. (But then I won two more so it’s okay.)
14.
He has light colored hair and a forgettable face. Kind of like Tom. I’ve been trying to picture it for a while, and I just can’t. I could describe its features, but I can’t pull up a picture. So anyway.
15.
We loaded the bus and listened to the day song and I had to sit next to John. He kept turning the talk to religion and politics, both of which I didn’t want to discuss. So I became defensive and snappish and surly. I continuously blew him off and disagreed with everything he said. He called me closed-minded and I said, “ok.” So he put headphones on and looked glumly resigned after having failed EVERY possible conversation topic, ruining everything.
17.
The window was cold, but the skyline was bright, and the pillow was soft. I scrunched all the way down and fell asleep listening to Leann tell her boyfriend to “shut up!” over and over, como Lizzie McGuire. It made me want to be sick.
18.
I felt like the Pillsbury Doughboy — except if anyone had poked me, there would be no woohooing. There would be kicking, screaming, and eye clawing action.
19.
We ran about and did the luggage finding dance, got our room assignments, and went to our rooms. I’m in K26 with Caitlin and Danielle (the tan, good-natured, round-faced girl with highlights in her hair who is friends with Aubrey). Becky is next door. The boys are mostly far away. Which is fine.
20.
She told us to stop flirting and go to sleep. So we giggled and fell over and laughed more and were stupid and gossiped and talked and whined and pouted and laughed and laughed for a long time, loudly. Because that’s just what you do.
21.
Ellie insisted on spots for her “buddies” and I annoyed her by saying to wait, they’re not here yet. I’m not sure, but I think we’re starting to spend a bit too much time together. I’m rather easily irritated at her. And I hate the faces she makes.
22.
So, yeah. After that was dinner on the boat that moved nowhere. The food was ok. Everyone was talking about going home. It was “so very.” Billy had a plastic shirt on. We accomplished nothing. Then we slept.
#19- “The boys are mostly far away. Which is fine.”
Certainly an aphorism to live by.
“So I got on AIM and changed my colors and made a profile with some of the lyrics. Then I wrote in my journal. Then dinner.”
The realest thing I have ever read.
^seconded. All of #11 made me so nostalgic for AIM!!
tamora pierce! AIM away messages! i am overcome by my memories of the same things! thank you so much for sharing this, laura!
It makes me SO happy when I see Tamora Pierce shoutouts in Autostraddle articles and comment threads. So much joy.
I was excited to see this because I was just thinking that I missed these diary except posts! :-D
Oh the important status of BEST friend and the pressure to be someone’s best friend. Quasi romance. Do boys have this too or is it a girl thing?
It was SUCH an important thing at the time. I do not feel as fiercely about… possibly any relationship in my adult life, I think.
AIM profiles were really serious business. I loved the detail in the section and that you wrote it down in pen in your diary!
Yes!
[intense description]
“Or something to that effect.”
I loved the “or something to that effect” So good!
This was just great.
you are perfect.
#8 is too real.
I especially enjoy the “My life sucks!” sign off.
“Billy had a plastic shirt on. We accomplished nothing. Then we slept.”
This seems like a good summation of all school trips.
‘No woohooing.’
Story of my life.
1) It is unsurprisingly very awkward to accidentally actually snort, out loud, in the middle of a crowded cafeteria, in the middle of work. TAMORA PIERCE THO.
2) This is going to take a long time to read. I keep having to stop because all of it is too close to my past and makes me want to go back in time and slap my teenage self upside the head more than a few times.
TAMORA PIERCE FOREVER
Yessssss, is there a Tamora Pierce social group on Autostraddle? If not, that should 100% be a thing.
Laura! I am pretty sure I spelled “lesbien” like that too in my journal in the early 2000’s!
Haha. Oh dear. I hope you had nicer things to say about “lesbiens” than I did.
(But I will not judge you if you, too, have grown immensely as a person over time.)
This is the best thing I’ve read all day. And I’ve read plenty of other things. But this is the best.
<3
All the Ash Wednesdays!!! But then this past ash wednesday, I was in the Philippines and Christine and I were all caught up in our vacation etc then one day we go out and I was like whoa whoa whoa. What’s that black spot on the guy’s forehead? And Christine said the same thing then we passed by a church and we were like OH SNAP. ITS HOLY WEEK.
‘they are mere vulgarities’
This is just perfect.
I definitely had journal entries where I chronicled how words are really a series of sounds that we place meaning on, so swears really aren’t swears.
This is perfect.
Hah! Yess. Our younger selves were really grappling with some very important issues!
Oh Goddess. Too real.
This post is everything. Also, this line really got me cackling:
It was “so very.” Billy had a plastic shirt on. We accomplished nothing. Then we slept.
Thank you for sharing Laura!
AIM profiles were serious, serous business. I hate to think how much time I spent perfecting mine only to decide two days later that the entire thing had to change.
Also, that whole Carly situation is breaking my heart.
Also also, I feel like I want to know more about Ellie.
My heart is also breaking about that. And I feel like it’s even extra awful, because 2 out of the 3 people in that conversation turned out to be queer! We just didn’t know how to be good people yet, I think.
we accomplished nothing, and then we slept.
Omg this is wvery
Nope
“This is everything” is what I intended to say. Totally glorious.
haha. Thank you!
loved this, thanks for sharing your teen badattitude
“[extensive quotes from all the sexy parts of The Woman Who Rides Like A Man by Tamora Pierce]”
yes. <3
This was the most thoughtful adolescent journal I have read! I was so captivated! I want to read more! What happened to Ellie?!
This was hilarious. I read it, and I was wicked happy.
Haha. I’m so glad!
Yessssssssssss