Welcome to Excerpts From My Super-Secret Diary, an A+ feature for Silver & Gold members in which we publish for you some of our incomplete and/or highly personal thoughts we’ve written down, usually with actual pens. Today, Kayla presents some very on-brand excerpts from her elementary school journals.

I’ve heard it said that our personalities are fully formed by around age 7. First grade. We are the people we are always going to be by the time of first grade. Now, I firmly believe that we don’t have just one fixed self. We are many versions of ourselves as we age, our lives and tendencies shaped by all that we encounter. But I do buy into the idea that our core personalities are on full display in early childhood.

I have been writing for what feels like my entire life. I have detailed records of who I am, who I was, thanks to drawings, journals, blogs. It’s strange, but when I look back on things I wrote in high school and even the early days of college, I cringe. Those versions of myself seem so distant. But I know I’m not the only person who is mortified by who I was—or at least who I tried to be through my writing—in my teen years. For a lot of us, high school and the first years of college are a time to try on new personality traits as if they’re jean jackets we just happened to pick up at the vintage shop. In high school, I thought I was going to run for President of the United States when I grew up. I have certain friends who like to remind me of this.

I barely recognize the Kayla behind my old tumblr posts and Facebook notes (remember when that was a thing?). But a few months ago, I went through my journal entries from elementary school. I was stuck by how much I related to my very young self. This was a Kayla I recognized. She wanted to be a famous actress. She wrote Boy Meets World fanfiction without knowing what fanfiction was. According to my elementary school journals, my three main interests at the time were movies/television, musicals, and food. Several journal entries were just detailed accounts of all the movies I had recently seen. In almost every entry I wrote, I mentioned what I had eaten that day even if it had nothing to do with what I was writing about. I also had a weird obsession with recapping musicals in painstaking detail. As fate would have it, at 24 years old, movies/television, musicals, and food are undoubtedly my three main interests. My elementary school self just gets me.

She also seems to have loved girls in her class and famous women a lot. The earliest volumes of my journals foretell of my future life as a freelance culture writer and also of my future life as a professional lesbian. In some ways, I was surer of myself and what I wanted then than I was later on. Back then, I didn’t really care what people thought as much. Eventually, middle school came and with it a whole slew of gendered expectations. But before all of that, I was just living my best life tbh.

Here are the excerpts from my 1998-2003 journals that best capture the person I am in 2016. All of my original punctuation and spelling errors have been preserved in the name of authenticity. Before we begin, there is one crucial event from my life that will help you better understand the bulk of these entries. At some point in 1998, my parents let me watch Grease for reasons unknown to me or anyone else. I became obsessed. You’ll see soon enough.

1.

The accompanying illustration seemed important to include

October 15, 1998

I can read a Alex mac chaPdr book. why do I do it? becus is fun and I lik it!

2.

March 26, 1999

I’m having a Easter bonett party. Only girls are coming!

3.

March 31, 1999

I love the movey grease! I have a grease poster! I even chaned my name I chaned it to Olia notin-Jone. I LOVE GREASE!

4.

June 10, 1999

You know when you get presents? Yah. Well I am going to tell you a story abot my favorite present. It all began a long time ago. I was at my Ant Anne and Uncel Martieys house it was very late at night and we were watching the movie Grease I liked the movie. But in the midell of the movie I had to go to bed. In the morning we ate some bacon and toast the next morning I would have to leave. So when I wasent looking my mom was tapeing the movie Grease. Soon it was the day to leave. I got in the car. When I got home I wanted to finish the movie Grease. My mom surprised me. She gave me the movie. Thank you very much mom I said. The reasin she gave me the movie is becuse she wanted to be nice. THE END.

5.

September 3, 1999

One saturday morning I heard the strangese sound it sounds like my sisters friend Kayla M. I went into my bedroom and do you want to know what I saw? My Tori doll and my other barbies were talking. I said Tori? What was happening? But then I said this is cool! Tori taut me how to skate bord and roler blade like a pri. I was exsided.

6.

September 13, 1999

This summer I saw 3 movies 2 at the theater and 1 at home. The one at home was Mighty Joe Young in the beginning thar was a littel girl she was about ten years old and her mother who was Charlies Therone and her were watching goralas. They lived on a mountin in Africa. They protected the animals. Whenever pochers came they attacked one nite that happened but the girl her name was Jil she was lefed behind. The pochers killed Joes mother. Joe and his mother wer goralas. Joe bit one of the fingers the pocher only had 3 fingers. Joe ran into Jils mothers hands. I’ll stop thar. I’m not going to tell you about the other movies you can watch them. Oh did I tell you Jills mother died a pocher shot her on the leg. Now about me. I have wavey brown hair. I love the color blue. My faverit movie is GREASE! My eyes are dark brown. My favrit subject in school is histery.

[Author’s note: This entire entry is what I wrote when my new teacher asked us to write a little bit about ourselves so she could get to know us]

7.

September 23, 1999

I like reading. I get to read when ever I want. Because my mom wants me to read a lot but only at home. I love reading. At home I’m making a book. It’ll be fun. It will take a hole journal to do the book. Beacaus I’m writing every singel part of sound of music. It will be fun. I love Sound of music. My faverit charicters are Lizel and florine Meria. I like it becaus its a musical. I like learning about animals. I want to be a siecetist. Dinosaurs died out about 70 million years ago. There were sharks about 400 million years ago. A shark is a fish. It lives in water and breathes through gills like all fish. Most fish have skeletons made of true bones. But sharks are not bone fish. Their skeletons are made of something softer called cartilage.

8.

If you ask me, this is ultimately a short story about consent and also giant killer birds

9.

October 27, 1999

For halloween this year I will be a witch. I was a witch last year and also the year before that. I will probably be a witch next year too or maybe a pink ladey from Grease if I can find the right jaket.

10.

November 22, 1999

Friday I went to my brothers play of the wizard of oz. He was a towns father and a monkey. Do you want to know waht it was like? Ok. First it was black and wite. Oh Toto Miss gates is so mad at you! Oh no shes coming on her bicecell. Uncell Henry please don’t let her take him. Dorthy she got orders from the sherif I think Toto has to go. Oh Uncell Henry! PLEASE! Dorthy why don’t you find some place where you won’t get in to trouble. Some where I can’t get into trouble? Somewhere over the rainbow. Somewhere over the seas. Some where over the rainbow is where I want to be. Toto is that you? Oh Toto! But she’ll be back we have to run away. Hello now what’s your name? Oh I’m no no no let me guess ummmmm Cathren no no no no hmmmm how about Dorthy? How’d you know? Oh it’s just my powers. Now why are you here? No no no no let me guess. Your going on a visit. No I diden’t think so your running away. Yes I knew it. Let’s take a look in the crystall ball. I see a woman oh she’s Emily. Aunt Em is what I call her. Oh my she’s holding her hand on her heart and falling on a bed she might be sicl. Oh toto we got to go back! A twisters coming wheres Dorthy? Capoom! Toto we’re over the rainbow. Well hello are you a good witch or a bad witch? Oh I’m not a witch at all I’m Dorthy. Witches are old and ugly. Who are you? I’m Glenda the good witch of the north. Oh parden me. I never seen such a buitufull witch before. I’ll stop thar. THE END

11.

Please note #9

12.

December 1, 1999

Mary-Kate and Ashley and the Case of the Ice-Cream Creap!

“Boo!” I shouted as my bestest friend, Ashley woke up. “I’m Mary-Kate,” she said. It was my other bestest friend, Mary-Kate who is Ashley’s twin sister. We run the Olsen and Olsen Mystery Angencie out of the Californian attak that we live in. “Todays the day” I announeced. “The day we go to Haiwi!” We started to pack our bags. Then the phone rang. “Hello? Olsen and Olsen Mystery angencie. How may I help you?” “Hello. I’m the Ice-cream truck man in Haiwi.” “Hey thats were were going in ten minutes!” blurted out Mary-Kate. “And as I was saying somebody is trying to get me out of busnnes!” the ice-cream man said. “There are 18 people at my truck complaining about the ice-cream someones trying to change the order on my ice-cream computer!” “Say no more were on our way!” I got on my skateboard and told Mary-Kate and Ashley to hop on and we went to Hawai. Mary-Kate wanted to pet a dog we saw on the way. “Please! He’s so cute!” she pleaded. But nope. I told her we had a mystery to solve.

13.

March 7, 2000

Today is Tuesday. So far, we came to school, unpacked our backpacks, copyed our homework down and now here I am writing in my journal. And soon we are going to go over our civil rights! I love school!!!

14.

April 7, 2000

I already have plans for my birthday. I want it to be all girls so I am having a sleepover and the only people that are coming are Anna, Anjali and of course Kayla M.!!!

15.

On the back of this very large self-portrait, I wrote “I want to be an actress when I grow up”

16.

This is from a collection of poems I wrote in fourth grade

17.

January 15, 2002

When I grow up I want to be a singer. I love to sing. I also might be a dancer cause I love to dance too. One of my favorite singers is Jennifer Lopez. My favorite band is A teens.

18.

April 4, 2002

The most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me is that I missed a basket at my basketball game when my whole team was counting on me because I am supposed to be the captain.

19.

November 11, 2002

It would overwelm me to be Danielle Fishel for one whole day. Danielle Fishel is a famous actress who is mainly popular by the T.V. series, Boy Meets World, in which she plays the role of Topanga Lawrence. I would like to steal this life, because I am planning on having a career as an actress. Being able to be Danielle would show me what it would be like to be a famous or well known person. Danielle stars in other shows, but she usually sticks to comedy. I have pictures of Danielle on my walls in my room at home.

20.

[Author’s note: This following, final excerpt is a novelization of Grease that I wrote and co-illustrated in third grade. I never completed it.]

Those are fireworks

As you can see, Danny and Sandy are just friends in my version

Yes, that is my attempt at spelling “Australia”

RIZO

Beautiful art

“bomb fire”

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