Welcome to Excerpts From My Super-Secret Diary, an A+ feature for Silver & Gold members in which we publish for you some of our incomplete and/or highly personal thoughts we’ve written down, usually with actual pens. Today, Gabe has selected excerpts from his journals chronicling his baby bi days.

Gabe Dunn, circa 2002

1.

Crying Tears of Crimson: A Poem

My tears are cellophane (invisible)
Sunshine guards the hidden dark
Blackness haunts to cloud white
Blinding light conceals routine
I am alone.

The past consumes my mind. I yearn (for it)
The present clouds my soul. I drown (in it)
The future blinds my courage. I shiver (from it.)
The world grasps to threaten chance, I cry crimson tears alone.

2.

Different: A Poem

Different, special, unique,
cutter, bisexual, depressed,
trembling, hidden, alone

3.

I haven’t gone out with anyone since Jason. No one interests me, because whenever I get close to a guy, I notice all these flaws and I feel trapped and I can’t stay anymore. I think that’s part of my depression. The other part is the whole faking it thing. I have value too but no one listens to me. I try to say how I feel but it always backfires because everyone thinks I have the perfect life and I should stop complaining. Well, fuck you! Guys are even worse. I was never really feminine until this past year and then all of a sudden, all these guys say they like me but how could they even know because they have no idea who I am.

4.

August 31, 2002

Why do people have to get old? It’s really depressing to watch people you’ve known forever, who even took care of you grow weak and helpless

5.

My mom asks me what I’m thinking, as if she really cares. I said nothing and then my mood got better after awhile and I started talking about Avril Lavigne. She is so cool.

6.

Brandon asked me to homecoming and I said yes because he’s nice, I guess. I don’t really know what to make of it. Really, it’s very odd.

7.

Matt and I got in a pen fight in science. He is so much fun. I love him to death but not like that.

8.

September 16th, 2002

I hate God. I just hate god. In fact, there is no god. It’s all a stupid fallacy. [My grandmother had cancer.] My dad says it’s God’s plan. God’s plan can kiss my ass. I am never praying again. Viva la vie Boheme.

9.

Are there people like me out there? I hope to God there is. Will I ever be happy?

10.

I really shouldn’t be doing what I’m doing. In a way, I feel like I’m lying to her. My problem is that I have ulterior motives for being her friend, which she has no idea of. I feel kind of guilty but also, I don’t know.

11.

Torah classes taught me to shut up about women’s rights. I have the right to say what I feel. Women deserve more than what Orthodoxy gives them.

12.

There was this girl who used to go to my school. I don’t know why I remember this or even think about it but her name was Amanda and she was a punk. She got picked on a lot for being who she was but she always stayed indestructible. She was a mystery to me. I never really got to know her but sometimes I wish I had. I always respected her from afar. She left the school though and I haven’t seen her since. I wonder what happened to her.

13.

I always thought I would die young. I wonder what people will say when they read this after I’m gone. I need some alcohol or drugs. I sniffed a permanent marker.

14.

January 6th, 2003

Had math class. My teacher is the hell bitch. I forgot my math notebook and she glared at me and said, ‘This is a great way to start off the new semester.’ Good to see winter break didn’t unfreeze her icy heart.

15.

I saw Shauna today. She’s so pretty it’s unnatural. I gave her the shirt I got for her. She hugged me numerous times. It makes me feel good to see her happy. She is very pretty. I skipped basketball today. My parents asked if anything’s the matter.

16.

January 15th, 2003

Been awhile. Let me catch you up. My mom: Still a bitch. My dad: Still clueless. My sister: Still annoying. My friends: Still immature. My life: Still sucks.

17.

I read something cool today in Greek Mythology about creatures called furies. They cry tears of blood. I don’t know why but I find that really cool in a morbid way.

18.

The government ignores the genocide in Darfur because: Racism, angering Arab oil companies, apathy, lack of troops, media attention to Iraq. RACISM. Ignorance, can’t be bothered. Right wing conservatives/big business.

19.

Taste: A Poem

She has the taste of death in her mouth
and the love of blood in her tears
and she is not afraid because she cries for all the world to see
so they don’t have to

20.

Reefer Madness: A Poem

Transfixed by reefer madness
Evolving into deeper sadness
Like a bomb ready to time
Like someone about to commit a crime
Falling waters meshed to one
Grass lit up by flecks of sun
Feel something!
THE SLOW BURN
Nothing to lose but green
Slow burn, slow burn. Slow down the burn
Listen to it crinkle
Feel something!

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