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To: you@you.com From: atony@autostraddle.com Re: [[STEPS TO SURVIVING]] A HORROR MOVIE BASED ON ME WATCHING SEVERAL HORROR MOVIES TO [[SURVIVE THIS YEAR]]

Do you know me? No? THEN WHY DID YOU OPEN THIS EMAIL. FIRST AND HOPEFULLY LAST STEP: YOU DON'T KNOW THE PERSON, YOU DO NOT ENGAGE WITH ANYTHING THEY SEND YOU. SORRY, YOU DO NOT SURVIVE. [[Start Again->Unread Email]]

You know me? Cool. I'm here to tell you a few tips and tricks for if you've found yourself in a horror movie. I have not specified the movies as I do not want the villains to know that I know anything about them. [[Let's begin.]]

SCENARIO: You're in your room, sitting naked at your vanity (I don't understand you, but I respect you) as you brush your hair. You turn around and see a child in a clown mask and suit holding a knife. What do you do? [[Ask if that's your brother.]] [[Ignore social decorum or whatever the fuck these people be saying, and roundhouse kick him in the face/stomach/nether regions/etc. and run. ]]

Wrong. You are stabbed and you do not survive. [[Start Again->Unread Email]]

Yes, you have gained at least one minute of potential life. If you were able to grab your phone, kudos to you. [[Please proceed]] to the next step.

SCENARIO: You're running and see something strange is waiting outside. It could be: a person standing out in the rain with no movement towards finding shelter, a wrecked and/or abandoned car, a house with a door left open, an unexpected package, someone delivering or approaching your house even though it's nine o'clock at night. What do you do? [[Approach the something strange.]] [[Run the entire fuck the other way.]]

Wrong. You do not survive. [[Start Again->Unread Email]]

Correct. Please proceed to [[the next scenario]].

You're running and your phone rings or makes a notification noise. You do not know the number. What do you do? [[Stop running. Answer the phone or open the text message.]] [[Keep running.]]

Wrong. You've wasted your breath/brainpower on an unnecessary action that may in fact put you in more danger. You do not survive. [[Start Again->Unread Email]]

Correct. You will live to see another day. Congratulations. [[Go to Another Scenario]] or [[Start Again->Unread Email]]

You're in school and/or your place of business. Someone you've never seen starts saying shit that sounds an awful lot like forewarning of some bad shit to come. What do you do? [[Ignore them.]] [[Listen and take notes from a distance.]]

Wrong. You will need this information to fight whatever bullshit is coming. You do not survive. [[Start Again->Unread Email]]

Correct. Have you survived unspeakable terrors that linger just out of sight of your "normal" life? Have you looked into the abyss and the abyss mirrored? No? Well then you should probably listen to the experts. [[You may proceed]] to the next step.

After a long day of capitalism, you return home to your animal acting strange (i.e. dog barking at the cellar, cat looking into a distant corner and running after an unknown thump occurs, hamsters running too damn fast on their wheel like they trying to tell you what you need to start to gettin to doing, etc.). What do you do? [[Grab your animal, make sure you have your wallet, keys, and phone and bullet your ass out of there.]] [[Chuckle at how funny animals are and continue on with your routine.]]

Correct. You will live to see another day. [[Go To The Next Scenario]] or [[Start Again->Unread Email]]

Wrong. Why did you even get a pet? These jokers can see things past the veil AND you just heard a person not even five hours ago warn you about some dangerous shit. That ain't concern you at all?! You do not survive. [[Start Again->Unread Email]]

It's a dark and scary night. What are you doing? [[You're out with friends/family with no intention of returning home any time soon.]] [[You are in your room. All doors are locked. There is a weapon by your bed within grasp in any direction you fall asleep in. You make sure you're about to be knocked the fuck out because why the fuck would you be awake when it is LITERALLY a scary night???]] [[You are in your house. You do not check windows or anything. You fall asleep on your couch while watching A League of Our Own.]]

A questionable choice but you may tentatively [[proceed]].

Correct. You survive. You may [[proceed]] to the next step.

Partial credit. You should survive because of A League of Our Own, but this is a horror movie so for the realistic slasher purposes, you will not survive. At least your sleep may be deep enough that you won't be aware of the horror that await you. You do not survive on this plane but your A League of Our Own lesbians of choice welcome you with open arms on the next. You do not survive. [[Start Again->Unread Email]]

While you're out, you hear that there's a person/murderer/sea monster/etc. On the loose. What do you do? [[Stay out with friends/family. There's safety in numbers!]] [[Convince your friends/family to go to one of your houses for safety.]] [[Leave them people be and go to your own house immediately because we all tried our best.]]

Wrong. Why the entire fuck would you stay in an open area NOT KNOWING WHERE THE DANGER COULD BE COMING FROM? You do not survive. [[Start Again->Unread Email]]

Partial credit. This is a divisive issue. When you're in a group, should you stay or should you go? If someone has believed you about this shit from the start, I tend to say yes to them but don't put them in a position where they need to save you cause they could've believed that shit cause they were in on it. If someone didn't believe you but all of a sudden believes you, then I'd stay only if they are better at certain weaponry and/or you feel comfortable pushing them in front of you when the villain comes and you have a way to escape. You may tentatively proceed to the next step [[x]].

Correct. Yes, people need people and community is the only way we'll survive. But guess what, we do not have time to be worried if "Hey, has anyone see Josie?" type shit starts happening. You better chug some Red Bull mixed into a Starbucks DoubleShot cause honey, you're not sleeping til you get five states away from here or that motherfucker and their motherfuckettes is dead. [[x]]

A note: On the aforementioned RIP note, treat people well every day. Treat them so well that there is no question that you love them. Because, homie, you may need to leave them behind and you can't have all those "no, they need to know!" feelings driving you back to save them. Y'all had a good run and hopefully you'll meet again under better, more forgiving circumstances. [[On to the next scene!]]

You're in your house. You hear a noise, what do you do? [[Go check. You call out "Hello?" and then walk towards the noise.]] [[Grab the closest weapons near you. Slam your back against the wall and wait.]] [[Go check, with weapon in hand.]]

Wrong. Honestly, I'm amazed you made it this far. You do not survive. [[Start Again->Unread Email]]

Correct. Yes, the noise may be in the walls, but at least you've lessened the chances of an unforeseen sneak attack. You may proceed to the next step [[here]].

Partial credit. You've given yourself a chance at survival, though slim. You may proceed to the next step [[here]].

The noise turned out to be one of your friends/family calling you. What do you do? [[Grab another weapon and run to a secret hiding spot in the house they don't know about.]] [[Drop your weapon and run towards them.]]

Correct. RIP to whoever that was you love(d) because you rarely hear about final friends or final families making it to the end, and [[you intend to be alive for many more days to come]]. You may proceed to the next step.

Wrong. They could be the killer and knew your love of them would overpower your good sense. And aren't you possibly alone??? Why are they in your house??! You do not survive. [[Start Again->Unread Email]]

You come across one of your friends/family slain in a gruesome way. What do you do? [[Call the police.]] [[Plan to get the fuck out of the general vicinity.]] [[Take the weapon out of the person to use on the villain.]]

Wrong. You never call the police, like that's a standard. But, also, NO POLICE ARE LIKE DEWEY RILEY AND THEY WILL NOT HELP YOU NOR MAGICALLY SHOW UP IN TIME TO PRETEND TO HELP. You do not survive. [[Start Again->Unread Email]]

I like that you're a dreamer so I'll give you partial credit. Say you do indeed: mobilize like hell to get the fuck out of the general vicinity. Send out a little group text to the neighborhood that there's a motherfucker (or several) out here doing some John Carpenter Wes Craven shit and that they should check their cars before getting in and getting the entire fuck out. Tell your grandma five states over that you're coming for a visit and let the knowledge that chicken, potatoes, gravy, collard greens, and the woman who taught you to attack before they can attack you will be welcoming you with open arms and a small hope that the villain has more bodies to take care of before getting to you. It's a good dream, even though it's unrealistic, I'll say let's stay in it for [[the next step]].

I'm gonna give you full credit cause you scary as hell. Proceed to [[the next step]].

The killer has found you and is about to chop/maim/otherwise violence you. What do you do? [[Attack. Then Run.]] [[Run.]] [[Scream.]]

Closer to correct (as you may have noticed we're playing it by ear on this question). You've given yourself a little more time to figure out a place to run to instead of worrying about the killer being directly behind you if you had just run. But you have used up energy that may affect the distance you'll be able to put between you and the killer. [[Tentatively proceed to]] the next step.

Partial credit. You may be able to get away but if you run too much or too far, you may run into 1) another killer who is in on it 2) you may hurt yourself and make it impossible for you to move quickly/making it easier for the killer to get you or 3) Honey, did you run track and field? Are you known for distance running? If not, you gonna get tuckered and I bet you a shit ton of money that killer WILL NOT. [[Tentatively proceed to]] the next step.

Incorrect. You've used your energy to make noise. Noise does not kill slashers. Noise aggravates everyone and they mama. You do not survive. [[Start Again->Unread Email]]

The killer has caught you, but you put up enough of a fight that after 5-8 minutes, they're subdued. What do you do? [[Rip off their mask.]] [[Talk to them.]] [[Monologue.]] [[Stab/Saw/Shoot/Whatever needs to be done to make them stay down.]]

Wrong. Did they want to talk when they had a machete in one hand and a chainsaw in the other? No. We don't do that saving the villain bullshit here. You do not survive. [[Start Again->Unread Email]]

Wrong. Save it for your diary, a tape recorder, and Gale Weathers. If words would've kept this person from being a killer, guess what? WE WOULDN'T BE IN THIS PREDICAMENT. You do not survive. [[Start Again->Unread Email]]

Correct. And when you think it's enough? Do thirteen more. Run out of bullets. Hit them in the head and throat with a stick. Tired from sawing? Get to stabbing. Knife is dull? Wrap your shirt around the handle and start clubbing them with the dull end. What I need you to do is make sure that you can't even tell this is a person (or living thing, depending on the movie we're in). This entity needs to be UNRECOGNIZABLE when you're through with them. Like, [[detach a head if you can]], honestly. You may proceed to the next step.

Wrong. Who gives a flying fuck who this is? You'll know when the town census comes out. You do not survive. [[Start Again->Unread Email]]

The villain is goop soup now. What do you do? [[Keep your weapon and run.]] [[Sit back on your heels and take a deep breath.]] [[Put your weapon in a bag, grab a jacket, and run.]]

Partial credit. You probably shouldn't run out of the house with a weapon and just like, be running down the street after there's a mysterious somebody on the loose. Especially if you look like me *wink* *blink*. Tentatively proceed to the [[next step]].

Wrong. You are ASTHMATIC TODAY AND SAVE YOUR FUCKING BREATHS. THEY ARE WAITING FOR YOU TO LET YOUR GUARD DOWN. GET UP. You do not survive. [[Start Again->Unread Email]]

Correct. Now you have a little protection and less chance of people assuming you're the killer and reacting accordingly. The blood on your clothes cannot be helped but at least your tried to cover it up. Proceed to the [[next step]].

The danger has passed. You're on the road to a new city, a new life. What do you believe? [[This is where it ends.]] [[I'm never gonna be the same again.]]

Wrong. This is where the quiz ends but not much else. The next step is waiting for [[you]].

Correct. It's better to accept that now than to try a "new normal". Either you're gonna be haunted or hunted in the sequel so [[you]] may as well just get (1) good night's rest sponsored by ZzzQuil and start sleeping in your new place with a machete under your pillow.

Hope this helps. Best, A.Tony [[Start Again->Unread Email]]