Letter From Your Editors

And just like that, February is over!

Why, hello there! Our theme this month was “did you take a photo of yourself? Great! Come as you are!” And look at all these gorgeous, brave humans, making their way through the world. We’re glad to have you here, reading this letter. Thanks for coming as YOU are, too.

1st: Heather // Drew // Dani // Meg // Kayla // Stef
2nd: Sarah // Sally // Nicole // Adrian // Rachel // Carmen

Do you remember last month, when I made the vague promises of “we have been working day-and-night for a lot of exciting things to come!” WELL MY FRIENDS, here we are only one month later and we are already over 2/3rds of the way through our fundraiser goal! And because the Coronavirus continues to wreck cruel havoc on all our finances (and I’m not just talking about the website here, I know that so many of us are personally struggling and it feels sometimes as if this weight just cannot be lifted) — this was our largest fundraiser goal to date. I can tell you now that we were very trepidatious, because even though we always believe and trust in this community we’ve built, we’re also aware that everyone has their burdens. We never take it lightly when it’s time to ask you if you’ll help us, especially not now. But Autostraddle means too much to us, it’s too important, not to ask.

I can say all of that now because the fundraiser is less than one month old, and we are starting to see the horizon of the finish line ahead. I am constantly humbled by the strength of this community and the faith you all have put in us to be custodians of your stories. Thank you. Thank YOU. THANK YOU.

Also, while I am sharing gratitudes, a massive thank you and hello to our (gasp) 452 NEW A+ MEMBERS!! Yes, that’s not a typo, I asked Nicole to check the numbers and everything. Becoming an A+ member is the strongest way to ensure our sustainability, and your willingness to make that commitment to our shared project of finding community in queer writing — I know I’ve already said “it’s humbling” but what else could I possibly say? Thank you.

And It’s not just with you all that I’ve become so overcome with emotion. Please enjoy this very real Slack message I sent to our team just this past Thursday.

And on top of those things, Sarah and I also solicited, edited, made graphics for our Black History Month coverage — with showcasing some of our most powerful essays to date. With our powers combined, there’s nothing that I don’t believe this team can do.

Ok I’ll wrap up this mushiness, but only for now! As you perhaps peeped in the slack message above, we are officially on Birthday Countdown around these parts. Nicole also sent y’all a note about this in your A+ newsletter, but we are turning 12 years old this year!! Officialy deep into our tween years, and we are eagerly brainstorming away around that fun fact (Rachel’s hoping we get a game of MASH out of this, did anyone else play that game as a kid? Just us?).

And this month there was so much A+ content that I actually have break it down in a bulleted list, get ready!!

• Two Different Advice Boxes!
• The Autostraddle Annual Report, 2020 By The Numbers: An A+ Members Exclusive (where you can learn everything from how our income is being generated to which articles you clicked on the most to how our merch is selling, all the things really!)
• January’s erotica, S L I C K: Hank & Melanie written by our very own Vanessa (!!)
• Love Is Not a Lie: Behind the Scenes of Heather and Stacy’s Wedding (you WILL cry and I am sorry to have to tell that to you, but it is true)
• We also hosted an A+ Members-Only Valentine’s Discord Server for you lovebugs, were you there? Did you have fun? GUESS WHAT! We are hosting another Discord Server for our birthday next month, stay tuned!
• Some Answers to Some Things You’ve Been Asking Us #34
• I wrote you an Editor’s Note taking you Behind the Scenes of Black History Month
• And we are hosting another Live Sex Workshop for A+ Members! It’s All About Masturbation with Shelli Nicole as your instructor and you can watch it this very Monday! Hit that link for details.

When we talk next it will be Spring! How is time moving so fast? We love you.

Carmen / Rachel / Heather / Laneia / Sarah / Nicole / Riese

Top 10 Most Popular Posts From January 2021

These posts were hella popular last month.

1. 200 Best Lesbian, Queer & Bisexual Movies of All Time, by Drew
2. “The United States vs. Billie Holiday” Trailer, by Shelli
3. January 2021: What’s Gay and New on Netflix, Hulu, Amazon, HBOMax and Apple+?, by Riese
4. Also.Also.Also: Elliot Page Is Getting Divorced, Another Day in the Books for Love Being a Lie, by Carmen
5. “Portrait of a Bernie on Fire” (and 21 Other Lesbian Shenanigans), by the TV Team
6. Who is Newly Out Teen Sensation JoJo Siwa? An Explainer for Those Of Us With No Idea, by Riese
7. Queer Horoscopes for January 2021: How Will Your Sign Move Through Crisis and Remap Your World?, by Corinna
8. Rosamund Pike is a Sociopathic Lesbian Fucking Lioness in the “I Care A Lot” trailer, by Heather
9. Pop Culture Fix: Bette and Tina are Back At It in “The L Word:Generation Q” Season 2 Table Read, by Heather
10. Pop Culture Fix: Well and Here’s Kristen Stewart as Princess Diana, by Heather

Nine Important Excerpts From Editorial Conversations

Heather: do y’all think the barb and star pr team are like threatening me at this point? they’ve sent me at least $500 worth of promo material and now A DRAWING OF MYSELF

Riese: oh my god
wow
Drew: !!
Riese: honestly that’s really fucking cute tho
like it’s right up there with Vida straight up mailing me tequila and a small portrait of Nico
Drew: They gave me like two months worth of weed
Heather: lolol i wish i’d taken photos of everything they stuffed into the bright pink suitcase they sent
trade you for this photo of me!
Drew: hahahaha
Heather: lolololll
Drew: I do not remember the movie
Because I ate one of the edibles
Heather: hahahaha!!!!
Drew: I know I had a GREAT time
Heather: i am laughing so hard for real
Drew: Honestly a brilliant PR move because there was no way I wasn’t enjoying the movie under those conditions

Nicole: in terms of the fundraiser: these are the silly return labels I made for the letter from Heather (some long-term supporters got xtra special snail mail ones with these)
[REDACTED IMAGE OF A RETURN LABEL]
for which she kindly provided me with her cat faces
and where it looks like she lives at my place, which is weird but:shrug::skin-tone-2:
Vanessa: hahahaha
Nicole: but i needed the letters returned to me, and also we need to make it impossible to stalk heather
Vanessa: i’m fascinated with the logistics of return addresses rn bc i’m mailing out my zines! and i don’t want strangers to have my address but do i want a po box, etc etc
so i love this detail
Nicole: i think i might need to get a po box
but, also, i feel safe in the knowledge that people mostly only want to get ahold of me to get their perks
or change their account stuff
Vanessa: i mostly don’t think people want to stalk me but like every so often i get a weird message and i’m like… hmm
Nicole: 😬
Vanessa: my friend maddy who does the EX-GF zines suggested i use my boyfriend’s pizza shop as the return address
so that’s an idea
if you have a boyfriend who owns a pizza shop
Nicole: that’s fun!
Archie: I’ve also been meaning to get a P.O. Box :package:
My partner is like: so many ppl have our home address now!!
Which I’m like! Idk I trust that ppl who buy my zines/whatever are chill but I’m like you Vanessa-a real weird message every once in awhile
I once got a :gift: from someone who didn’t put their name in the package and that should’ve motivated me to get that P.O. Box
Vanessa: arch!!!
Archie: And yet
Nicole: omg
Vanessa: plz buy yourself a po box for valentine’s day!
ROMANCE: not letting strangers mail gifts with no names to your home address
Archie: Unless one of you all sent me a mesh shirt that said Pizza Slut??? (I know it seems like a drunken purchase I would do but I checked and it wasn’t from me!)
Like two years ago
Vanessa: HAHAHA
Archie:
Nicole: THAT seems like something that should be sent directly to a pizza shop
Heather: i used to always just give my address out to anyone who asked until stacy and i moved in together and she was put a lid on that habit real fast
Archie: Yup!
Heather: like what are they going to do? show up and yell outside the window that i’m late with my pretty little liars recap?
Archie: I’m stuck in like…2015…and like “what if someone wants to spontaneously send me zines?” Which now that I think about can happen with a P.O. Box huh
Heather: omg
Archie: if i were going to spontaneously send a zine, you would totally be first on my list
Archie: Honestly yeah Heather someone WOULD do that

Drew: Does anyone in this channel…. watch Star Trek?
Heather: i do but i am behind but i do! kayla does too i think! and riese!
Drew: Gaby has been watching all of it from the beginning and insisted I watch the episode of Deep Space Nine where Dax is gay for her former life wife and…. now I am considering watching…… all of Star Trek
Carmen: Ok but Drew, I feel like you’re maybe unclear on what “all of Star Trek” means?
Drew: Oh no I am AWARE
Like 10 television shows and as many movies
Carmen: there’s like 18 star trek movies I think but yes
Drew: That one episode was so good !!
Carmen: Star Trek: TOS
Star Trek: Next Generation
Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Sar Trek: Voyager
Star Trek: Enterprise
Star Trek: Discovery
Picard
Star Trek: Lower Deck (a cartoon)
And like two more upcoming series
Yes I did that off the top of my head in order, yes I’m a closet trekkie (edited)
Drew: Okay maybe I wouldn’t watch ALL. But I feel like my context-needing self would at least need to start with TOS and TNG.
Also okay this is what I was curious about!!! I thought some of you might be closet trekkies.
Carmen: I think you can start at TNG if you’re looking for context of Deep Space Nine specifically.
Also I feel like TOS is important, but also the reason it’s important in terms of context you have probably absorbed most of via pop culture osmosis
the storybuilding in star trek feels kind of intuitive to me? because it’s become so embedded into everything else over the last 40-50 years?
Heather: i cannot think of anything more drew than watching 22 movies in four days and then on your day off when you’re supposed to rest being like “i’m thinking of committing to watching the tv series with the most episodes in history”

Riese: One Million Moms Boycotts American Girl Over Doll With Lesbian Aunts

Valerie: they WOULD be more upset she has happy lesbian aunts than the fact that she has clearly beheaded a koala on her quest for blood

Stef: I love the internet

Heather: oh man the last interview i read with kristen stewart, the interviewer was like “and what do you think about rob playing batman?” and she was like “who?” and the interviewer was like “rob? pattinson?” and she was all “uh i guess he’ll be a good batman?”
who?
Stef: That’s also how I talk about my ex
Heather: “do you miss richard?” “no i haven’t thought about him all day.” :therese:
Stef: Richard will be a terrible batman
Heather: YOU MADE ME BUY BOAT TICKETS
Stef: I love that
I just cannot believe they keep asking her about this man she broke up with almost a decade ago
I love it so much
Heather: right like i can’t even remember what i had for lunch yesterday
Stef: Our exes would all make terrible batmen: the a+ roundtable

Nicole: good morning! omg my email had a terf-y response to the last fundraising message…but also a quote attributed to abraham lincoln in the signature. I’m :skull:
it was honestly really funny. what a start.
Carmen: Lollllll what are they responding too terfily? I can’t think of anything that would’ve triggered a terf
Nicole: laneia’s letter from the other day
Carmen: That’s real random.
Nicole: the email finishes with “Good luck with your radical queergender publication. I can’t relate to it.”
BUT the abraham lincoln quote is: “We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses.”– Abraham Lincoln

Nicole: Riese would it be ok to add the donate button language to the bottom of your straight actress post?
Riese: yah
is the language “Natasha Lyonne you owe us money”
Be Gay for Pay, 2. Pay the Gays
Nicole: I’ll put whatever language you want in there! Natasha Lyonne does owe us money
Pay the gays to…be gay
Riese: i just did the boilerplate text
Laneia: natasha lyonne owes me a lot of things
Riese: see, it’s true
Nicole: thank you!
(to riese, not natasha)
Riese: “If you’ve ever gone gay for pay, consider paying the gays today”
that’s good right
i should be on Mad Men
Riese: i will take everybody’s silence as endorsement of my cleverness

Carmen: No one properly warned me for how crackily your joints get as you get older!
I just cracked my knuckles and the sound was so loud I scared myself! I though I had broken something
(Also I can hear my knees now and thanks I hate it. Does this mean I have start doing yoga maybe?)
Laneia: standing up now is a whole production for me
Carmen: 😩
Riese: yeah every time i stand up i feel like the tin man
if i sit on the floor with my legs tucked under? forget about it
i might stand up and immediately just fall over

Heather: omg who will be the hero who does a dorothy zbornak style thief?

i cannot believe we have not been doing golden girls style thiefs this entire quarantine
we could all have been coming out of here with so many flowing items
Stef: Oh man
a lot of times they will loosely style them so one is wearing blue, one is wearing green, one yellow and one like pink
it’s very soothing
Heather: it is!
and so is dorothy’s scathing wit
Stef: i majored in golden girls in college

Happy Black History Month, Love Autostraddle

Today marks the the end of Black History Month and I’m so proud (hi! It’s Carmen here, once again!) of the work we curated this month!

In case you missed any of the series, here they are. Happy Black History month, I hope you take some time today to do a little reading!

Gender Fluidity and the Black Atlantic

Wrestling With Kamala and Beyond: Reckoning With Blackness, Womanhood, and What Comes Next

Queering Faith: Reclaiming the Holy of Sexuality

Everything That Matters Is Stuck in the Back of My Throat

Editor’s Notes: On Black History Month 2021

Don’t Go Breakin’ My Heart

On February 10, Heather posed the following question in Slack; none of us were prepared for what came next. Here follows a very limited selection of our groupthink.

Heather: @channel i am putting together a timeline of queer celeb breakups for love is not a lie day and i was wondering if any jump out in your mind. i am starting with the time melissa etheridge accidentally sent a box of dildos to tammy lynn that were intended for her mistress and then tammy lynn wrote a poem called like “your errant box of dicks came to my window” on her blogspot, and ending with probably ashley benson and cara delevingne’s abandoned sex bench. stop along the way for lena waithe and alana mayo, st. vincent and cara delevingne, kristen stewart and alicia cargile, ERWB and kate moennig, angel haze and ireland baldwin, perhaps queen latifah and eboni nichols (i have to talk to carmen about this one!), carrie brownstein and st vincent, ruby rose and phobe dahl, etc. i’m not going all the way back to ellen and anne heche because i would love to never have to write about ellen again!

—

Carmen: Oh shit Janelle making Tessa jealous post-break up by dancing with Danai Gurira at the Met Ball afterparty
Stef: But I don’t think anyone was broken up about it
Riese: it was a move tho
Stef: Janelle and Tessa oh god
Carmen: My induction into the vapid fluff beat, those two
Heather: oh, abby wambach and sarah huffman
natalie could do an entire timeline on the wnba’s secret lesbian drama
Carmen: This is a fun game! Another point for love being a lie!
Stef: god the ERWB and kate moennig breakup was like
such a rollercoaster
Carmen: Wait they dated!?!?
Stef: YES
for like… a month
Riese: sheryl swoopes and alisa scott
Heather: ruby rose and the entire cast of batwoman
Stef: i got yelled at a LOT for a piece when she divorced jamie bell and i told everyone this meant they had a shot with her

—

Riese: the tammy lynn breakup was really like The Most because of her poetry blog
tammy lynn’s poetry blog
where she wrote poetry about melissa etheride
Stef: poly people would NOT like my poly af column
Riese: ellen and anne heche
Stef: miley cyrus and stella maxwell honestly even though stella maxwell is boring
they were just very extra
that time miley like fingerbanged her against a car in a steakhouse parking lot
Heather:
i moved out november 23rd 2009
she said it would help
i was convinced it would
too and i trusted there was
no one else
i didn’t know
there was someone moving in
as i was moving out
indeed
three weeks later a box of new toys
was delivered and her assistant brought
it to my rental house as a mistake
i opened it
and that’s when i felt something was up
i called her
“i have your new dicks on my kitchen counter?”

—

Rachel: wasn’t there a lesbian youtube couple famous for breaking up on youtube
Riese: several
Rachel: hm
Riese: i feel like this was the moment when i started feeling like “am i in touch with the kids these days”
cuz our readers were like omg did you see x and y broke up
Stef: i can’t do youtube or tiktok fame, it makes no sense to me
Riese: and we were like….. whomst
Stef:yes
‘oh they have 15 billion followers’
Riese: bc all these youtube couples had broken up
i was just like wow these videos are really long
Stef:i remember the day sarah croce suggested i pursue a career as a youtube person and was serious
and i was like ‘….’
fuck who else
Heather: oh yeah i also lost touch with the youtubers because i was like “i do not have 75 minutes to spend on this, can you just say what happened in the comments?”
Riese: and you know what they never gave any details!
well, from watching one video i was like…. you guys this is so long
and all you do is cry
and here we are at the end and i have NO idea whomst cheated upon who or what you kept fighting about or how you grow apart
just that you still care about each other and you’re still pretty when you cry

—

Carly: wow i can’t believe y’all were trying to figure out youtuber drama circa 2011-2015 and didn’t tag me @stef @riese
Stef: it was then that you carried us
Carly: [youtuber name] has had 3 breakups now
Riese: wait does this include the girl she is with now
she was gonna get married
well i guess if they broke up it wouldn’t be “the girl she is with now”
Riese: you know what i mean
they went on a lot of vacations
her and her ex
Carly: and now her hair looks terrible and i think it’s all connected
sorry i hate her.
Riese: fascinating
Carly: and am a petty vengeful taurus
Carly: also i had completely forgotten [other youtuber] existed @stef. incredibly brave of her to finally get rid of her white girl dreads in July of 2020!
Stef: yes we let that go for an astonishingly long time
did someone say vengeful
Carly: lmao… who, me?? ::bats eyelashes::
this is me on a good day, too. i just got some delightful, wonderful news! im just naturally like this.
Stef: i haven’t gotten any good news i’m just always like this so
happy to be here
Vanessa: “And now her hair looks terrible and I think it’s all connected.”
Carly I know you’re married but
Stef: the most carly sentence
Vanessa: Do you want to marry me
Carly: yes vanessa i will marry you
Heather: carly adding “and now her hair looks bad” to their the wall in their taurus room

What We’ve Been Reading

Ro: Why Women Have Better Sex Under Socialism by Kristen R. Ghodsee

Riese: You Exist Too Much by Zaina Arafat

Sally: by Becky Chambers

Meg: The Moon Book by Sarah Faith Gottesdiener

Heather: Care Work: Dreaming Disability Justice by Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha

Kayla: Cleanness by Garth Greenwell and Luster by Raven Leilani

Drew: After Dolores by Sarah Schulman

Carmen: Everybody (Else) Is Perfect by Gabrielle Korn

LIVE WORKSHOP: Here’s the Info to Learn All About Masturbation with Shelli!

We’re bringing you a brand new live video series exploring the building blocks of queer sex, led by real queer sex-having people! This month, Shelli Nicole is bringing you a world of knowledge and insight about masturbation!

The live workshop is available to A+ members only. Realtime live captioning will be provided!

• Where and When? Monday March 1st at 5pm PST/8pm EST on Crowdcast
• Register here for All About Masturbation with Shelli!
• Have questions about masturbation to ask, or topics on it you want to see covered? Let Shelli know here!
• Your password to register for this event is APLUSQUEERSEX131

After 72 hours, a recording of this workshop will be available for free to all Autostraddle readers, sponsored by the generosity of A+ members. Thank you for making this possible!

Bone Bone Horoscope Going Into March 2021

pic.twitter.com/la3jRgCBJ5

— ㅤَ (@bonebonebot) February 22, 2021

Bone Bone knows that you are very tired; it’s been tempting to hunker down, bundle up, convalesce. Bone Bone supports you in doing so and also has insight that respite is coming; you just have to wait it out for a little longer.

Whomst Is That White Cis Man Is He a Zombie

Heather: ‘Buffy’ Alum David Boreanaz Pledges Support For Charisma Carpenter Amid Joss Whedon Abuse Claims
Riese: is joss the guy in the middle
Valerie: yes
Riese: lol they picked a perfect picture for this story
he looks smarmy as hell with that facial expression
Valerie: lol he does
Carmen: IS JOSS THE ONE IN THE MIDDLE
Riese this brought me joy in my sadness! Thank you.
Riese: hahahahaha
Carmen: I think this is how Drew feels when I call that one guy from 50 Greys Robert Patterson
Drew: 50 GREYS ROBERT PATTERSON
the levels to that
Carmen: Drew how is that not his name!!
Riese: robert paddington
Drew: He isn’t in 50 Shades !!! asdfghjkl;
Riese: rupert platterdom
yeah that serial killer guy is in 50 shades
right
Valerie: “50 greys” got me good
Riese: the guy who played a serial killer
Carmen: Oh wait is it not called 50 Greys
Riese: jamie?
Drew: Oh Jamie is in that new Kristin Wiig movie I don’t remember because the PR person sent me weed and I ate it before watching
Heather: omg the kristin wiig pr guy sent me a PINK SUITCASE
how did you get weed??
Drew: L.A. Babbbyyy
Carmen: Oh shittttttttttt
Oh wait he isn’t
Why is this guy famous!?!???
Drew: TWILIGHT
Valerie: he’s in twilight which “50 greys” technically started as fanfic of
Drew: The layers
Valerie: so i see HOW you got lost but whew you got lost
Carmen: Ok so wait how many things do I have wrong here
Riese: true there is a CONNEXTION
Carmen: I’m lost
Riese: robert paddington was in Twilight films, something about zombies maybe, and he makes pasta
Valerie: how dare you call what he makes pasta
he murders pasta
Drew: The pasta
Haunts me
Riese: hahahahaha
Valerie: robert cullen is a pasta serial killer
Carmen: I’m so glad I could one up Riese and being us this joy
Riese: jamie is a hot serial killer
in the fall
but also you know what, jamie looks like um, matt boomer or whatever, the gay guy
Heather: adele from blue is the warmest color is a pasta serial killer
Riese: yeah she needs to chew with her mouth closed
or else privately
Carmen:  Ok wait so Riese has told me this “robert paddington was in Twilight films, something about zombies maybe, and he makes pasta” — is that correct? Is his name really just paddington bear and that bothered no one??
Heather: matt boomer is gay david boreanaz for sure
Drew: I’m also haunted by Blue is the Warmest Color deciding that the opposite of oysters being gay is pasta being heterosexual
Carmen: Are there zombies in twilight?
Valerie: lololol no Carmen. no.
Riese: robert paddinton was a zombie
Carmen: Is tayler lather a zombie
Valerie: Riese what have you done
Riese: i think
Valerie: hahaha
i’m dying laughing
Riese: wasn’t he a zombie or am i thinking of the skins guy
effie’s brother
Valerie: everyone is wrong and i can’t tell who is serious and who is joking anymore!
Riese: another british fellow
Carmen: I have no idea what any of these things are!!!!
Drew: Skins guy who dated Jennifer Lawrence
Heather: lololololol “effie’s brother” is THE gayest reading of the main character of skins
and the most popular actor to come out of the series
Carmen: Oh no Valerie I am DEAD SERIOUS. I do believe Riese is fucking with me for fun tho
Riese: no i’m actually being serious
Heather: lolllll
Valerie: there are no zombies in twilight
Riese: was robert patterson in a zombie movie
Drew: Robert Pattinson was in the Twilight movies and then pivoted to art films of various quality
And making pasta
Carmen: Lol ok great we are doing great
Riese:  update
robert patterson is a civil war general
Valerie: twilight is vampires
Drew: And now he’s Batman
Heather: nicholas hoult was a zombie!
Valerie: taylor lautner was a werewolf in the twilight movies
Drew: Yes that’s the guy who dated Jennifer Lawrence
Hoult not Lautner
Lautner is gay
Riese: ok so nicholas hoult was a zombie but robert pattington bear was not
?
Drew: Yes
Riese: i know that twilight is not zombies
but i thought robert pattington was a zombo
in a different movie
Drew: He was in the 9/11 romance movie
Riese: THE LOST CITY OF Z
Heather: he’s batman who might as well be a zombie
Drew: The Lost City of Z isn’t about zombies LMAO
Riese: i googed
oh
Valerie: ohhh okay that makes me feel better but you didn’t know what joss whedon looked like so i just don’t know what to believe anymore lol
Riese: what does Z stand for
Drew: God that would’ve been so much less boring if it was
Valerie: effie’s brother was in two eps of the walking dead? according to imdb?
Riese: also a movie about zombies
Drew: The first Twilight movie is legitimately good if you are stoned
Or 12
Riese: i’ve seen the twilight films
Drew: I imagine
Riese: crystal made us go see eclipse IN THE THEATERS
we were stoned and i yelled out loud about k-stew being gay
laneia was there
Drew: I’ve only seen the first one
I saw it for the first time like three years ago
Had a great time
Baseball
Heather: laneia’s going to become the serial killer if y’all keep up this twilight slander
Carmen: WHO IS Lautner???
Valerie: my friend took me to the first two in theaters. during the first one i laughed out loud at a part that was apparantly supposed to be serious and almost got murdered by tweens so she made me practice watching the first one gain before we saw the second but i failed again so she stopped taking me
Carmen: I thought his name was taylor lather
Drew: He’s the werewolf
Carmen: or maybe taylor laurel
Heather: lautner’s the wolf
Carmen: wait there’s a werewolf!!!!
but no zombies.
Drew: Correct
Riese: ok true or false: robert pattington looks like a zombie
Drew: True
Riese: thank you
Valerie: true
Riese: like if i looked at carol i might think she played a dog in a movie
innocent mistake
Heather: robert paddington is also cedric diggory
so twice a zombie really
Riese: i’m looking at Carol right now and i think “she’s probs been a dog in a movie”
same way i look at roberto paddeteron and think “he’s probs been a zombie in a movie”
Drew: Yeah totally fair
Heather: feels right
Carmen: ok so i knew robert paddington was cedric diggory!
BUT he’s… not the 50 greys guy
Valerie: it’s like how Gregg Sulkin looks like a werewolf
Riese: 50 greys is jamie serial killer doonando
Carmen: like cedric diggory didn’t grow up and get super into bad bdsm
Riese: i mean he did but not on film
Drew: The most interesting things about him are he had sex with Juliette Binoche in multiple movies, dated Kristen Stewart and FKA Twigs, and makes pasta
Valerie: he ddi technically play one in wizards of waverly place so maybe that’s why my brain held onto it but
i still think you’re throwing “makes pasta” around all willy nilly without acknowledging the hororr of his methods
Carmen: Ok! I got it now! Here we go!
robert paddington was in harry potter, then he grew up and became a vampire (?) in those movies with kstew, of which there are no zombies but are some hot werewolves.
How does this relate to the bdsm fanfics that moms love?
Riese: yes, the esteemed Pasta Murdereer, Roberton Patteramo
Valerie: someone wrote a twilight fanfic and then changed the names and it got turned into 50shades of grey
Riese: yes
Carmen: and it’s not called 50 greys
I got that part wrong too?
Valerie: only if you remove some words
it is called 50 shades of grey
Riese: so jamie killer dooner played the fanfic version of robert pattingstein’s Edward Cullen
Valerie: there is a sequel…called… 50 shades darker?
or was that the tagline
Riese: yes the original is better than the sequel
Carmen: (and twighlight is the vampire movies with no zombies? just to check!)
(is kristen stewart gay in them?)
Riese: if i had to be killed by Jamie Dooner or Robert Paddleton i would probs pick a zombie
Carmen: ok and this person’s name is…. just to bring us full circle… robert patterson
Drew: Robert Pattinson
Pat Tin Son
Carmen: L M A O wow
Riese: yes, Robert Pandomonium
Drew: I can’t believe we’ve been in a pattinson for almost a year
Carmen: y’all sure you let me write about pop culture on our website?
Riese: sames
i think what we have all learned today is that kristen stewart is gay
Drew: And so are we
Valerie: Carmen if it makes you feel better i only recently learned timothy olyphant and timothee chalamet were two different people and it wasn’t like how you can say benevolent cantelopepatch and everyone knows what you mean
Carmen:   Robert Pattinson was once cedric diggory, then he was kristen stewart’s beard in a series of vampire movies, of which there was a bdsm spin off.  Is that finally right!?!?
Drew: Yes
Riese: who the goddamn earthspace is thimothy olymphant
Drew: I also don’t know this
Riese: and what has he done
zombie?
Drew: Oh is he Timothee Chalamet’s dad?
Carmen: I always confuse thimothy olymphant and oliver platt
Valerie: probably. he’s in a lot of straight shows
Riese: whomst is oliver platt
Carmen: I’m… not wrong either
Riese: hmmmm
Drew: He was in Pieces of April
Valerie: honestly i was starting to feel crazy so i have never been so relieved to not be alone in the “whomst” club
Riese: we are all in the Whomst Club
the whomsts of Whomstville
targets of the grinch who stole christmas starring robert chalimat platt cympathy paddington bear
Carmen: honestly if they are a white cis man and they aren’t basically michael keaton, they are lucky if I know they exist at all

XOXO

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