Welcome back to Pretty Little Liars, the only show on television that I love so much I watch it at .5 speed and spend my entire Wednesday and Thursdays writing about it. That sounds like I’m being salty but I genuinely love the show this much. I just wanted you guys to know that.

We open on Rosewood, where Spencer and Emily are doing dishes in Hanna’s kitchen. Are they baiting the shippers or have they finally decided to be in love forever. Maybe they just have a ton of dirty dishes. Those dirty dirty girls.

Clean dishes, dirty women.

Seriously though, can these two fuck already? Santana and Quinn did and I wouldn’t want there to be any straight girls out in the universe thinking they can have non-sexual relationships with gay girls. Actually, the two aren’t bonding over a piping hot sink of bubbles, Emily and Spencer are in a big fight! Instead of talking through it, Emily is being really passive aggressive. I guess she didn’t read the rules of lesbian fight club.

And that’s when Emily knew that Spencer was in love with her.

Spencer: That goes on the top shelf.
Emily: Thanks for telling me… this time. WHY DON’T YOU EVER TELL ME ANYTHING?! IS IT BECAUSE YOU DON’T LOVE ME? I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHY YOU LOVE ME.

Aria walks in channeling the Cher from Clueless, or rather, some girl who really liked Clueless but can’t dress like Cher because she’s 12. She reminds the other Liars that they’re all there for Hanna and that she really needs their support right now. Remember, last episode Hanna’s mother got arrested for All The Things. Now Hanna won’t eat. Not even artichokes and meat pies which is the comfort food I would have suggested had anyone asked me.

Hey guys, I brought this plate of pizza bagels. Did you know that with pizza on a bagel you can have pizza anytime?

In the end, The Charmed Ones decide their best course of action is to hold hands and channel the power of three. And maybe call Leo.

And so it is.

Meanwhile, Hanna chats on the phone with Caleb upstairs. Surprise surprise, they’re codependent and overly involved in one another’s lives.

Hanna: Just promise me you won’t do anything stupid [like move to a spin-off show that will definitely only last one season]

So what is Caleb up to anyways? Well, he’s living out my worst nightmare: an evening with TobAy. The two have decided to pool all their brainpower together. That brings them up to about a fourth grade reading level.

Lezzy and the Beast

Actually, they’re doing something Riese and I have long dreamed of: figuring out the timeline of this TV show. Will they finally answer why it’s never winter in Rosewood? Is today the day? Probably not.

But who killed Jenny?!

The next morning Emily prances about in an American Eagle shirt she stole from me in 2004. I was wondering where that went. She can keep it, it looks better on her.

The 79 position. 69’s lesser known cousin.

Pam walks in and tells Emily she’s going to send her to a doctor to try prolotherapy. The efficacy of prolotherapy is pretty controversial and I sort of don’t want to get into it, so let’s assume for the sake of TV that this is going to be one of those magic instant cures that fixes everything and allows Emily go to Stanford on a swim scholarship. If only it were entirely covered by insurance!

Emily: Mom, I can help pay for part of it if that helps [said no teenager ever]

Pam also says Emily shouldn’t be hanging around with Hanna because of Ashley’s little old murder charges. Sometimes it feels like Pam sort of took a step back this season. I miss cool-mom Pam who showed up to Rosewood High and got into it with Paige’s dad.

So the thing I found. It’s about this big and it sort of looks like… Oh I don’t know a long skinny mushroom?

Emily heads off to school where everyone is abuzz about Connor the Contemptible’s Crushed Car.

I hope that actor in the middle was billed in the credits as “Oh shit guy #3”

Aria, obviously, thinks her long lost brother Mike did it. I did too until I remembered that nothing is ever as it seems on this show and it was probably actually Ezra or something.

Did you do this? And don’t say you were at the Taylor Swift concert because we both know tickets were sold out.

Mike is like, “Hell no I didn’t fuck up that guy’s car! I don’t have the equipment.”

Mike: It’s a tiny little stick [said no guy ever.]

Elsewhere, Hanna meets with her mother at the Rosewood Jail. Ashley is now starring in the straight person remake of Orange is the New Black which I would probably never watch because I’m only in it for the lezzies.

Well there is this one nice girl in here named Poussey…

Ashley and Hanna have some strained conversation. The kind you might have when your mother has just been arrested for murder but you know she didn’t do it because some crazy stalker has been fucking with you for years. It’s awkward and I feel terrible for them.

I just wish Spring Breakers had done better, you know?

Also someone should tell the costuming department that folks awaiting arraignment usually don’t have access to such long and luxurious fake eyelashes.

And another woman I keep hearing nice things about… Big Boo I think?

Back over at broland, the Bozo Brothers try to figure out the license plate from Red Coat’s plane using The Magic Of Computers. I’ll never understand how technology works in Rosewood.

Is that shirt Uniqlo? I love Uniqlo.

They get a hit and, just like we always do in Rosewood, they run off to some location without calling first.

Oh man. Now I see why Vai is so popular on Crash Pad.

Meanwhile, in the hallowed halls of Rosewood High, Hanna’s back at school. She’s trying to take her mind off things and also probably just has no idea what the hell to do with herself. Everyone is staring.

Do you know that you can pee with a tampon in?

You know who isn’t anywhere to be seen? Shana. Girl’s gone MIA. While that’s good news for Emily’s raging lesbian jealousy, it’s bad news for the Liar’s investigation of What The Fuck Is Going On.

Oh damn Hanna, come scope this ass with me.

When a couple of boys come by to snicker at Hanna, Emily chases them off with her raging lesbian anger.

Lesbian death stare.

While Emily goes off to be the baddest bitch in the neighborhood, Ezra swoops in and talks to Hanna. I don’t know if Ezra just loves being the guy high school girls rely on, but he’s pretty sweet to Hanna.

I can see straight through your ear and out the other side!

Hanna thanks him for “being a really sweet guy” and it’s only then I realize how fucked up it all is. Like you shouldn’t be calling one of your high school teachers “a guy” let alone “a really sweet guy.” It’s like Ezra’s inappropriate relationship with Aria bled over into the other Liars.

Thinks he’s yet another cis white guy who saves the day.

Speaking of just that inappropriate relationship, Aria is stopped on the stairs by the school vice-principal. Does he want to bust Ezra for sleeping with Aria? Nope! He wants to bust Mike for maybe vandalizing Connor the Contemptible’s car. Aria, of course, covers for Mike saying he was Skyping with their mama at home. Aria Lie? Shocker. Also the vice-principal is a weirdo and seems bent on making me hate him.

So as you can see I’m clearly a top.

After school, Emily swings by the police station to get the insurance card from her mom for her big miracle cure. While there she spots Wilden’s apartment key. It’s funny that for a Police Department that only seems to have one case, they sure are terrible at solving it.

The patriarchy.

You know how all mothers assume their children can’t go to doctors appointments alone? Well Emily utilizes that little fact to get her mother away from her desk and printing out directions. While she’s gone, Emily snags Wilden’s apartment key!

Getting a little jerking in while no one is looking.

Starsweep across town where Byron is home at the Montgomery household just hanging up the phone. He was fielding a call from the police informing him that Connor the Contemptible’s father is pressing charges on Mike over the car. Byron confronts Aria and she tells him about the whole rumor thing. She even tells him that he started the rumor because people in school know about her and Ezra.

Oh Aria, I’m glad you’re here. Have you seen my career? Because I can’t find it anywhere.

Okay. A murderous, cyber-stalking, all-knowing bully I can grasp, but any teen girl talking to her dad like this? No way.

See there’s this thing call “sexting.” All the kids are doing it.

Here’s how the talk goes in real life:

Byron: Do you know anything about this?
Aria: Maybe… Mike’s friend was a jerk to me.
Byron: What do you mean?
Aria: I don’t want to talk about it!! I’m going to my room!

I was slightly concerned that Byron might start slut-shaming Aria over all this but instead he decides he probably also needs to kick Connor the Contemptible’s ass. I want to too, but with witty words and stuff.

I’m gonna take this stick out of my ass and then go punch that brat in the face.

Starsweep across the neighborhood where Hanna is cutting checks for all the bills. Spencer swings by and Hanna explains that she doesn’t want her mom to come home to a dilapidated house.

Now kiss.

Spencer sits Hanna down and heart wrenchingly tells her that her mom probably isn’t coming home any time soon. Actually Troian Bellisario gives a moderately luke-warm performance. Ashley Benson fucking killed it.

A 65% on Rotten Tomatoes?! Seriously?

Across Pennsylvania, The Bozo Brothers roll up to some sort of airplane hangar. I don’t know nothing about no rich people’s airplanes, so I’m going to assume this place is like a bike rack. Except for planes. You lock it up and take it in and out.

Just sit on it.

The Bozo Brothers roll up to the airplane rack counter and make up some dumb story. The guy behind the counter looks like a Ken doll. But the Ken doll with plastic hair, not the Ken doll with the real flowing hair.

I like this Ken Doll character because he constantly looks confused. He’s like a big monkey.

Sorry Toby, I don’t know why you’re on this show anymore either.

Oh hi, this is a serious digression but while I was looking for exactly which Ken doll Nigel looks like I stumbled across 1972’s Mod Hair Ken and he looks exactly like Caleb. I don’t think I can go back to regular life now.

This is real life.

Okay back on track. The Bozo Brothers bribe Ken Doll with a $20 into letting them see the itinerary for the mystery jet. He does but the itinerary, just like everything on this show, doesn’t reveal anything.

Maybe you have a contract that the producers can’t get out of?

The two leave disheartened and, as soon as they do, Ken Doll makes a phone call.

Barbie we have a problem.

Starsweep back across town to Aria’s bedroom where she and Spencer discuss how A is ruining their families. Aria decides it was definitely A who fucked up Connor the Contemptible’s Car. I still think it was Ezra.

Please mistress… may I have another?

More importantly, Spencer looks super hot and toppy in this scene.

Take off your pants.

Just then, Emily busts with a new game plan for the trio. They’re gonna bust into Wilden’s apartment.

Guys run! There are penises chasing me!

These girls never learn. All they’re gonna do by fucking with Wilden’s apartment is make themselves look guilty and maybe get busted. A knows everything and probably even planted evidence against someone in there.

It’s the key to Paige’s panties!

The Liars have learned one thing though, and they finally throw some gloves on before they go digging through Wilden’s things. Too bad we’re treated to the classic A’s POV shot through the blinds and someone calls Wilden’s phone repeatedly.

If you don’t put these on how can I feel comfortable letting you fist me?

The Bozo Brothers process their feelings back over at their secret hideout. I’ve decided I like them a lot better if I think of them as a gay couple. They hash out the day and decide that they’re being taken for a ride. Took them long enough. They realize Ken Doll knew it was foggy by the house that night. How would he have known that? TobAy also can’t get over the super sweet lighter he conveniently found right at the fire. The one A just tossed in his hands.

Come here. I have something big to show you.

It’s not that big.

The two hypothesize that the “NW” on the lighter means that it belongs to Nigel Wright. I just figured it was a gift for Kanye West’s new baby girl. Regardless I obviously didn’t know who Nigel Wright was. I Googled it, he’s the guy who helped Jenna at Wilden’s wedding and also the guy who was working at the plane rack earlier! The Ken Doll.

Toby: Someone’s blowing a lot of smoke [right up my ass]

Back at Wilden’s, the Liars aren’t finding much of anything. Well, they did find Wilden’s collection of sexy-time videos and tube sock for him to beat his meat to.

I don’t give a fuck!

Aria: Yeah if you consider “Lord of the G Strings” a classic

Speaking of man meat, the Liars find a freezer box of mail order steaks on the floor. The box is rancid but the note inside is fresh. It’s a note that says, metaphorically, can’t wait to fry those dumb bitches up house fire style. Obviously it’s from A.

In which Tampax decides to get real in their advertisement campaign.

Pages: 1 2See entire article on one page

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!