Does leaning more into my masculine side mean that my girlfriend isn’t as attracted to me?
Q:
Me and my girlfriend are both cis lesbians in our 30s, have been together for four years and the way she has reacted to some of my fashion choices lately is causing me some distress. I‘ve been experimenting with more masculine looks as I grow more comfortable and confident with myself in my queerness. We recently were invited to a wedding and I was so happy to show her the suit, my first suit, that I’d gotten to wear. She just said something like, “I thought you were going to wear a dress.” I asked her why she thought that, she said because I always wear dresses to weddings.
When I asked what she’d think if I got a short haircut, she said she likes my hair the way it is.
She used to compliment my outfits and compliment me physically so much more than she does now that I’ve been getting “butcher,” for lack of a better word.
I asked her if she’s not attracted to me anymore when I am dressing more masculine and she said that she really usually has only been attracted to femmes, but that she’s getting used to it and will always love me and be attracted to me no matter what. I’ve never even considered myself femme, but I suppose I defaulted to femme to some degree in the past because that’s what I knew to do. Our sex life has stayed the same through all this, I’m just getting less positive reinforcement outside of the bedroom.
I love her so much and I don’t want to break up. But I miss getting compliments from her like I used to. I don’t like the idea of forcing her to want something she doesn’t naturally want. But I wish she was as excited about my suit as I am.
Summer: So I actually think your situation is pretty diplomatic and shows that everyone in it cares. Your girlfriend cares about you and expresses that she loves you and will continue doing so. Even if she favors femme-leaning people. At the same time, your desire to keep exploring a more masculine look is a good sign of curiosity and comfort-finding.
I think the friction here is that she probably isn’t super into butch-leaning people. Or she hasn’t had a chance to encounter it in a relationship and is still feeling unsure. I think the drop-off in compliments and reduced engagement with your butch development is a sign of that. We can’t make others turn their interests around for us, but I actually think your girlfriend’s response isn’t negative. She affirmed her love and attraction to you, even though your aesthetic doesn’t conform to her existing interests. That’s a place of adjustment and growth she can work on.
I’m with you in believing that trying to push her to like your changing self wouldn’t be helpful. It might even undo some of her efforts to unpick and adjust her interests.
One route that could work is to place emphasis on the whys of your interests, rather than the butch of it. Yes, it is about butchness and I’m not asking you to suppress it. But for people who might not fully grasp your interest in a path, a bit of induction can be valuable. Like your suit. Talk to her about why you find that suit fetching, for lack of a better term. What is it about the cut, color, and arrangement of fabrics that speaks to you? Yes, it’s masculine, but there’s so much more to it. And you might be able to connect with her on those secondary qualities that eventually lead to a better understanding of why you appreciate butchness and masculinity.
Drew: Maybe this is idealistic of me, but I think everyone deserves to be loved for all the parts of them rather than despite. Like your girlfriend, my attractions generally leaned femme before my current partner. But as my partner has embraced the more masc presentation that feels good for them, my attractions have changed too. I’ve realized all the other ways a person can be hot — and be hot to me — beyond signifiers of femmeness.
Attraction cannot be forced, but I do think it’s worth having a conversation with your partner. Because what you’re asking for isn’t just compliments — it’s reassurance that your partner’s desires are evolving with your own. Because if they’re not then maybe she isn’t the right person for you no matter how much you love each other. You deserve to be complimented! You deserve to be with someone who lusts after you and finds you in your most authentic form to be the hottest person in the world! I think your partner can very well be this person, but, if not, I think you deserve to find that elsewhere.
Nico: I’m so sorry. This does hurt. I’ve been in similar — though much less caring, to be honest — situations at times when I’ve veered into more masculine territory. I do appreciate that you and your girlfriend feel like you can talk about this. So, my first piece of advice is to keep the conversation going, and to really see if she will come with you on your journey in more ways than one and really get to know how important the way you’re dressing and adjusting your presentation are to you. I think, also, if this is just not an aesthetic that she’s used to in her life or that she’s used to in terms of her desires, desires can sometimes be intentionally cultivated. Maybe you two can watch films or TV shows with butch characters together and discuss what you each find attractive about them. You two can follow social media accounts featuring more masc or butch people, or send each other photos of celebrities you find hot. I also recommend checking out Butch is Not a Dirty Word both for fun and with your girlfriend, and also for some more supportive media for you. Obviously, this should be an effort undertaken together, as opposed to something you’re forcing on her. I agree that forcing things won’t help. Adjustments can take time. The important thing is that she’s willing to talk to you, that she’s expressing that she loves you and is attracted to you, and that you two seem like you have a supportive partnership from what you’ve told us here.
And as Summer and Drew have said above, though, you do deserve to feel desired and like your partner is attracted to you — and if this continues, it might be that you two have grown past each other. Also, congrats on exploring your presentation. I’m sure you’re looking awesome today :)
Remember that Andrea Long Chu essay? I want to read more about the role of gender in desire!!
Q:
I’ve been re-reading one of my favourite essays ever Andrea Long Chu’s On Liking Women. And I was wondering if you guys know of any other books/articles/theorists who talk about the ways in which desire is a key component of gender? Andrea can’t be the only one, but I’m coming up short!!
Drew: I feel like my suggestions will all be fiction! All of the below titles deal with desire and gender in ways I find interesting, either throughout the text or in a specific section.
Any Other City by Hazel Jane Plante
Detransition, Baby by Torrey Peters
Paul Takes the Form of a Mortal Girl by Andrea Lawlor
She of the Mountains by Vivek Shraya
Nico: Okay, so first of all, that essay is SO GOOD. Thank you for bringing that back into my life. This had me puzzling for a while, but I do think that Danny Lavery plays with desire and gender in Something That May Shock and Discredit You — though I haven’t read it in a while. There’s also this interesting exploration of specifically books by Georgette Hayer that I wasn’t aware of until he wrote about them — but she repeatedly published these pulpy historical romances that centered on a premise whereby a woman was disguised as a man. The genre, romance, is centering desire here, but also, there’s this trans masc narrative tied up with the sexual desire that Danny unpacks and speaks to it a lot more if you’re interested. Then, there’s desire as like, gender longing as opposed to a like, secure, fixed identity. I found both this Reddit thread as well as this essay by Amanda Roman linked within that smartly points out: “In retrospect, refusing to begin a gender transition because I didn’t already feel like a woman was like refusing to take flying lessons because I didn’t already feel like a pilot.” I also wrote about this desire for “boyness,” desire for boy-adjacent things in this essay. I also feel like Kate Bornstein gets into writing about intersections of desire / sexual desire and identity in Gender Outlaw, though I definitely need to re-read because I haven’t in forever!
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One thing to potentially consider for the new-butch LW: you don’t mention where your girlfriend lands on the presentation spectrum, but that might help you understand some of where she’s coming from. Sometimes our partner’s reactions to us can have as much to do with them as it does us. Is she butch herself and is struggling to envision herself outside of a butch/femme dynamic, or maybe feels threatened in her own butchness? Is she femme and has never engaged with the world of butchdom at all, and thus the whole idea feels foreign and strange? None of this is to say that her presentation or identity has any bearing on yours, or that it excuses any lack of encouragement you’re getting from her! But it might help expand the conversation beyond just your fashion choices and more towards where her response is coming from.
I feel like I am NOT articulating this well so please take my phrasing with the benefit of the doubt here.
I like that last part of Nico’s “it might be that you two have grown past each other”. Sometimes a path walked together naturally splits. Though I don’t think the LW and her partner necessarily have to break-up. I do think everyone should be able to explore fashion or presentation anyway they want. It’s natural to change. Some people take a bit longer to become accustom to it. Hopefully they can talk it out in a way where they are both feeling reaffirmed. Just because this was specific in the letter, I wonder what her reaction would have been to the suit had LW mentioned she wanted to wear one to the wedding before buying, as I assume they did. You know how weddings get people.
I asked the question about gender and desire and I have answered my own question! I’m reading a book by Hil Malatino called Side Affects: On Being Trans and Feeling Bad. It has a whole chapter on envy which is really scratching the itch!
Sidenote to Drew, Paul takes the form…is my favourite novel of all time and is definitely a good fiction example.