Hello, and welcome to a very special intro for a Very Special Into the A+ Advice Box! This installment took a little longer (thank you for your patience) because we decided to try something new, in which we sourced some outside help. Sara Youngblood Gregory, author of The Polyamory Workbook, is here as a guest advice-giver to answer your questions about polyamory! The general A+ advice box, where the team answers your questions on any topic, is scheduled for next week!

In keeping with the vibes this summer, the next themed Advice box (for August) will be all about looking and feeling hot. Bring us your questions about taking selfies, about what to wear or how to style yourself, about confidence, about bodies, about self-love and projecting your hotness out into the world. It’s THE HOT BOX. Please get your questions in by Monday, July 31st!

Alright, announcements are over, class. Let’s dig in!

xoxo,

Nico

Q1:

Hi! This question is for the A+ Advice Box – Polyamory Edition.

I’ve been in various polyamorous relationships over the past decade and have had many beautiful and profound experiences. But, I have noticed a recurring problem that I’m not sure how to navigate.

When I’m upset about something in a relationship, I like to individually regulate and understand my emotions before discussing them with a partner. This practice is important to me – it helps me organize my thoughts so I can clearly communicate what I need, has taught me how to care for and stay attuned to myself, and helps me move through conflict in a way that feels healthy and connective.

However, I’ve found that in the presence of partners & metamours who process issues in more emotionally-charged ways, this often means that my needs get deprioritized since there’s less urgency behind them. The longer this happens the more my mental health suffers until I do break down (and then receive the care and attention I crave). This cycle feels harmful and antithetical to the kinds of steady relationships I’m trying to build.

I’ve gotten feedback that the way I process conflict in relationships is very healing, and I’ve done a lot of work to strengthen these skills. It’s healing for me, too! I’m always sure to emphasize when things are very important to me and when I need extra care. But, I think it’s human to prioritize the needs of those we see suffering, and this has happened with enough partners that I suspect something beyond individual incompatibility might be going on.

I would love to hear your thoughts and advice — thank you!

A:

Ah, yes. Your question is hitting on a few really important themes here: self-regulation, communicating needs and expectations, conflict, and behavioral patterns. Before we jump in, I want to flag something very telling in your account:

This often means that my needs get deprioritized since there’s less urgency behind them. The longer this happens the more my mental health suffers until I do break down.

I’m always sure to emphasize when things are very important to me and when I need extra care.

It sounds like you are a mature, conscientious partner. You have the ability to hold space for your partners, self-regulate, and navigate conflict. But at the same time, the two sentences above are contradictions. If you find yourself consistently deprioritized when emotions run high — to the point where your mental health suffers and you have a breakdown — are you sure you’re emphasizing when you need care, consideration, and attention? Or are you allowing yourself to be put on the backburner unintentionally?

Across different relationships, it’s not uncommon for people to fall into certain roles. In your case, it sounds like you might be taking on the role and responsibility of the Facilitator. During conflict or difficult conversation, the Facilitator tends to put their emotions on hold and instead help ground, guide, or give space to the other person or people. Often, Facilitators are amazing at de-escalation and compromise. This is a wonderful skill — to a point. Because Facilitators are prioritizing the issue and other partners, the Facilitator’s emotional needs may end up unresolved. By taking on the role of Facilitator, you may be focusing on the external, the issue and the partner, rather than you and your partner.

Basically, if the facilitation is successful the conflict has reached a resolution. It’s easy to assume your emotions should likewise be resolved. But this isn’t always the case — especially if the Facilitator hasn’t advocated for their own emotional needs and space, but rather the need to support someone else or resolve an issue.

I recommend you think about what good, healthy emotional support looks like for you. Write down what it means for you to be emotionally prioritized by you. Write down what it means for you to be emotionally prioritized by your partners. What does that look like? Maybe you’d like your partners to self-regulate for an hour before coming to you. Maybe you need a weekly or monthly check-in that’s just about you. What might it feel like to have a set hour to talk where you come to your partners for emotional support and care? This might help you make sure you get support proactively — rather than letting it build up to another break down.

Then, set aside some time to speak with your partners individually and let them know you need some space to talk. Come prepared with notes, feelings, boundaries, and suggestions that feel important to you.

Remember: you deserve support. You deserve to be held. Your emotional wellbeing is allowed to be urgent, too.

Q2:

My closest friend and I have recently experienced some confusing chemistry. Usually we hang out in a group with either her husband or our other friend and her wife.

Recently this friend and I got to talking about her desire to explore her bisexuality more. We talked through the process of reaching an agreement with her husband of what she can explore on her own and even getting them onto Feeld to look for a third together.

Through all this talking, we’ve been spending more time just the two of us, and in those moments there usually seems to be lots of handholding and cuddling.

We’ve both recently accepted new jobs in different cities. I offhandedly joked that this would be the perfect opportunity if we were going to trying making out with each other and/or have a threesome with her husband, but she expressed that we should chill out, even if that’s not what she wants in the moment.

The idea of getting my physical kicks with friends is appealing to me (and something I’ve successfully navigated in the past with other single friends) At the same time, I don’t want to jeopardize our friendship. My Qs:

1. Is there anything I can do to continue supporting her through her explorations of her sexuality without crossing the boundary of “we should chill”? Does her knowing that I’m open to exploring with her change things?
2. If we stick to this firm boundary, what advice do you have for getting over the crush-like feelings we’ve had and continuing a deep and intimate and platonic friendship?
3. If we do decide to explore, any advice on how to set boundaries when kissing or hooking up with friends?

A:

It sounds like your friend is going through a lot of major life changes at the moment: exploring her bisexuality, opening up her marriage, and moving to a new city for a new job. That’s a lot! It makes sense that your friend may want to chill on all the newness and maintain your friendship, rather than jumping into another potentially new situation (mixing friendship and sex). I’ll answer your questions below, but I also encourage you to think very carefully on whether or not your friendship could weather another big transition. And how much that risk might be worth to you.

1. First, “we should chill” isn’t really a boundary. It’s so vague, and doesn’t address what she needs or wants in relation to you or how she will behave around you. What does this mean, really? Ask your friend if you can clarify a few points with her and check in about things like: What did you mean when you said we should chill — should I back off talking about sex or hook-ups? How do you feel about our recent cuddling and hand holding, is this something you’d rather not do? What can I do to support your exploration in a comfortable way?

Once you gain clarity around these issues, you’ll both have a better sense of what you can expect from one another. It’s possible that your disclosure of interest will change how she sees you and the friendship — and that’s OK. Again, this is all new for you both. But you won’t know for sure — and what to do with that information — until you can talk about it openly.

2. If sex and romance is off the table, the first thing to do is check in with yourself. Notice some of the feelings that come up for you — Sadness? Disappointment? Confusion? Anxiety? You don’t have to rush through any of these feelings. You may want to take some space from your friend. This can be as simple as a text stating you need a week to cool off and process, but let’s check in on X day.

I usually always recommend a cool off period, as this will help you wean off of the headrush of a crush. Once you’ve taken some time to feel your emotions, ground yourself in what you love about your friendship — and pick up where you left off.

3. If sex and romance is on the table, my best (but maybe not fun) advice is to tread very carefully, and go very slowly. It’s not just navigating a run-of-the-mill FWB situation here. Your friend is also exploring her sexuality and opening up her marriage. She has a lot to learn — and a lot to lose.

Before talking to your friend, have a serious talk with yourself. Are you OK having something casual? Do you want dates, romance, or a potential partnership? How strong are your feelings? How hurt would you be if it didn’t work out? And, finally, are you prepared to lose an important friendship in the name of exploration? It’s important to be realistic here. For most people, opening up a marriage comes with a lot of bumps in the roads. You will be impacted by this, and so will your friend.

If you do decide to explore, have an in depth conversation about how you two will go about hooking up and what that means for you both emotionally and physically. Focus on realistic agreements — maybe you hold out on sex for a few months, maybe you hook up after your friend feels more confident in her sexuality, maybe you agree on what casual sex looks like for both of you (how often it happens, what it means, if there are sleepovers or not etc.)

Resist the urge to rush and prioritize clear, consistent communication with your friend — no matter what is or isn’t on the table.

Q3:

For the poly box! I’m a cis lesbian who realized my sexuality after a few years of being sexually active and thinking I was straight – in that period I was hyper aware of safe sex and got tested after every single partner in case I ever got an STI (miraculously I never did) but since being gay I’ve only slept with one person at a time/been in monog situations where I would get tested before I started seeing someone new so I haven’t really considered what safe lesbian sex is or how to navigate that! I’ve having a hot gay single summer though this year and will probably take that into the bedroom and am currently want to pursue a physical relationship with a bi woman who is in an open relationship with a bi man. I guess my question is what are ways of bringing up safe sex, alternatives to dental dams (they’re hard to find and expensive and also I’ve never used one), are gloves something I should be using? Hot tips on how to have a hot AND safe sexy summer? Thank you!!

A:

Long live hot gay single summer! This is a great question. People often treat sex between two people with vulvas like it carries no risks or considerations when it comes to STIs. In some ways, this makes sense — people who have unprotected vaginal or anal sex with a penis are at the highest risk for STIs. But it’s very possible to get an STI through genital contact, oral sex, and shared sex toys.

It sounds like you already get tested regularly — which is amazing! Everyone should get tested before and after sleeping with a new partner, and should check in with their partners about their status and most recent test before having sex. If you are interested in the bi woman you mentioned, ask what her testing schedule is like and, importantly, ask if she and her other partners get tested before having sex with new partners and what kind of safe sex methods they use.

There isn’t any glamorous way of bringing this up. Just be brave. Sit down (or text) potential sexual partners and say: I’d like to talk about safe sex. Don’t feel shy about this, either. Your mutual health and wellbeing is more important than uncomfortable feelings. If the other person gets defensive or evasive, this is a clear indication they are not responsible enough to have sex with you. You can also ask to see a screenshot or print out of their test results. Sometimes people lie about testing or their status — especially to casual hook ups— so decide how important seeing the results are to you. People have a right to decline to show you their test result; you also have the right to decline sex without seeing these results.

Now, when you’re ready for sex, protection is the obvious route. Protection prevents fluid swapping — or exposing your mouth or genitals to someone else’s sexual fluids or vice versa. Fluid swapping happens when: using the same toy without washing it inbetween or switching out the condom; oral sex (including pre or post kissing); fingering someone and then touching your genitals and vice versa; licking your fingers before or after touching genitals.

There are a few simple ways to avoid fluid swapping. Put condoms on your toys and wash them before and after each use. Take charge here, too. Bring your own condoms and toys and wash any shared toys before and after sex. Gloves are a great option for genital touch. Just keep a few latex gloves in a ziplock bag and have them handy when you need them. Make sure you use some lube, that no one has a latex allergy, and that you’re not accidentally fluid swapping by using the same gloves to touch yourself and someone else. Never reuse these gloves! Just throw them out when you’re done.

Oral sex can be trickier — it’s important to remember that sexual fluids can travel between genitals but also the mouth. HPV, for example, is contracted through sexual fluids (usually by going down on someone) and can cause some oral or throat cancers. Dental dams are an OK option — they’re really not that expensive and you can order them online — but they’re kind of a pain in the ass to use. You have to stretch them over the vulva and hold them in place, which can be kind of tricky. There are also single use latex underwear designed for oral sex. (I recommend Lorals and they’re miles better than dental dams because you can go hands free!)

However — and you may hate me for this — I generally recommend oral sex only with people you are interested in seeing regularly and trust 100% are getting tested and disclosing all relevant sexual health information to you.

I hope this helps and have fun!

Q4:

So I have had a crush on a coworker (we work in different areas/don’t see each other for more than a few minutes at work) for a couple months and it’s been fun and flirty and reciprocal. She’s bi and has a serious boyfriend so I sort of assumed it wouldn’t go anywhere other than a work crush (not trying to be a homewrecker) The sexual tension has amped up recently and we ended up discussing the mutual crush, and that they have an open relationship. For context I am probably mostly monogamous long term but at the moment very single and having a hot gay summer (flirting and hooking up with other people) and was pretty sure I would be okay with just a physical thing with her plus being friends/coworkers I guess?

So we ended up having a very hot makeout session before she went home with a little light sexting later that night and the next day. I had also asked her to tell me if I was ever crossing any of her open-relationship-with-the-boyfriend boundaries (we didn’t discuss in detail what open means for them) She texted saying that she’s really enjoying exploring this and the flirtationship but needs to pause/revert back to just flirting to take some time to discuss it (going forward physically with me) with her partner first (which is good and healthy and valid) but my gut reaction to that message was sad/anxious feelings that I’m processing right now. Am I actually okay with only being physical and friends with her or am I going to be too emotionally invested? Would it be better to nip it in the bud now or (assuming it’s okay with the bf) go ahead with it and see what happens even if I might get hurt?

A:

Mixing work and romance can be tricky territory. It sounds like you have great chemistry with your coworker and had a fun (and hot) make-out session. Now that the dust is settling a bit, it sounds like you might both be thinking through some of the implications of your chemistry.

For your coworker, she may have to deal with navigating a work relationship / hook up and her partner. For you — as someone who is generally monogamous — there are also layers to the relationship. You mentioned already feeling sad and anxious, which may be an indication that you’re already feeling emotionally invested and are not comfortable with managing a polyamorous hook up and a coworker all wrapped up into one.

Take a step back and think about the implications if things go south: you might get your feelings hurt, a relationship with a coworker may get tense, and you may lose a friend as well. From my view, this doesn’t seem like a solid foundation for a fun, flirtatious fling — it sounds like the incompatibilities and risk may outweigh the chemistry.

You asked this: Am I actually okay with only being physical and friends with her or am I going to be too emotionally invested? Would it be better to nip it in the bud now or (assuming it’s okay with the bf) go ahead with it and see what happens even if I might get hurt?

Only you can weigh the pros and cons and decide if you want to play it safe or roll the dice. But if you’re asking for my advice, I’d focus on a hot gay summer with people I’m more compatible with and who I won’t see in the office.

Q5:

This is a question for the polyamory advice box! Mine is, I am a bisexual woman in a long term relationship with a man. We have opened our relationship some time ago, and honestly it is taking a lot of patience, and love, and talking, but it is going relatively well. It gives me space to date and love women, which has been transformative for me. I feel like we are both more “ourselves” when we are able to date and interact with others, outside of our relationship. My question is about not appearing as “unicorn hunters” – I am so worried about being perceived as a straight couple hunting for a bisexual woman to join us. We are dating people separately, and are looking for people to date genuinely, not just as hook ups (and definitely not to hook up with both of us at the same time). This being said, I have been on poly forums, and discords, and people say they see people in straight-presenting couples and write them off as bad, or predatory. Is there anything we can do to not appear as unicorn hunters, beyond just not being that? I know I can’t control how people judge me, but I just feel judged by the poly community as a straight couple, when I don’t feel that is my reality. Or maybe I am in the wrong community spaces (mostly online, struggling to find one local)? Can you help with such a nebulous question? Love you guys, thank you for your amazing work :)

A:

I’m thrilled to hear you and your partner are doing well with opening up — and that you are enjoying the freedom to love and be with women.

However, something you have to understand here is the culture around open relationships and unicorn hunting – and how they disproportionately impact queer women and lesbians. Speaking from experience, it is exhausting being polyam as a lesbian. Anytime I’m on an app, online forum, or even meeting people out in the wild, I receive numerous and often aggressive advances from men and women seeking a unicorn for their straight relationship. This also happens with people who state on their profile they are seeking 1:1 dates only and without men involved. This isn’t an unusual experience for many queer women — feeling hunted, fetishized, objectified, and duped. Given this atmosphere, can you really blame people for feeling hesitant, and a bit burned?

Sure, it can be frustrating to feel judged right out the gate. Is it fair? Not always. Clearly mark your dating profiles that you date solo only and let people know IRL as well. But practice empathy towards the people who are constantly hounded and pressured by random straight couples into being a unicorn. Find confidence in the fact that this isn’t you or your partner — but don’t judge the people who have been hurt and how they choose to deal with that hurt and express their frustrations. Instead, foster patience and solidarity. Feeling resentful towards people looking out for their own wellbeing isn’t going to make them trust you faster.

You can’t control how you are perceived. You also can’t control who is and who is not interested in you. All you can do is control how you act — and it sounds like you and your partner treat people with respect, consideration, and care. Keep going with this, and don’t get too caught up in feeling like you’re a unicorn hunter. You’re not. The right people will understand this. Trust that you will find them.

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