Welcome to the 96th edition of Into the AF+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from AF+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box! Here, we answer your questions in a space just for AF+ members, safe from the general public. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Here, the Autostraddle team’s doling out advice on everything from sex and relationships, to friend and family dynamics, career questions, style, and more! We do this column TWICE a month.

Every other AF+ Advice box of the month is themed! This month’s (December’s) theme is OUR ANXIETIES. January’s theme is going to be F(ix) My Life. What’s effed up in your life right now that is maybe not a traditional advice q (tho it could be), but is something that’s been bothering you that you’re ready to fix. New year, new you! Ask us anything, really. Don’t know how to use a piece of gym equipment? Wondering how to get into bondage? Is it time to actually learn to poach an egg? Are there ways you could be a better friend to someone? How about making it through working and staying above water in terms of executive function even as the world is burning around us? Let’s talk! Get those questions in by this coming Monday, January 15!

Then there are general Into the AF+ Advice Boxes, where we take questions on practically any topic. You can send questions on any topic, at any time. Submit those questions into the AF+ Contact Box which I’ve also embedded here:

So, now, let’s dig in!!

Q1:

I have a crush on someone I worked with 2 years ago. I think they are a remarkable person and they are super hot. Since they moved away, we’ve chatted over the phone and they’ve visited a few times. Last year I told them I had a crush on them (but didn’t have a chance to elaborate). They responded that they didn’t want a LDR and they were emotionally unavailable. I wasn’t actually thinking in terms of a relationship. I was thinking about a FWB situation. For some context, they’ve told me they’re on Feeld and they are interested in polyamory. I asked them over text if it was ok if I flirted with them, and they said yes! As long as I don’t expect it to lead anywhere. Maybe that’s a dead end road right there. They’ll be visiting my town for a few weeks to see me and some other friends. When I see them and hear them in person, I think those feelings will come back to me. How would I (if I should) broach the subject with them? I just think it might help me let go of my feelings of attraction.

A:

Carmen: OK! I hear where you are coming from. I really do. But — and I hope this doesn’t come across harshly, not at all — but I think this is a situation where your friend has tried to tell you on at least two different occasions (when they told you they weren’t interested in a LDR after you shared your crush, and later over text when they said they didn’t want the flirting to go anywhere) that they are maybe not interested in pursuing what you are interested in. And I think in those situations, it is sometimes best to take people at their word on it, especially when they’ve said it more than once.

I also think it’s possible you already have an inkling of that! You ended your question with “I just think it might help me let go of my feelings of attraction,” which is a bit of a hat tip to me that you might be looking for an exit ramp here, and if that’s the case I would like to provide that for you: yes, it might be for the best if you’re able to let go of your feelings of attraction or at least, keep them to yourself. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with having a crush! And I hope you get to keep enjoying that crush!! But it might be time to stop expressing those feelings towards a person who doesn’t seem to be at a place to reciprocate them in a way that interests you. Or at the very least, is trying to gently let you know that fact.

Em: I really appreciate Carmen’s response because it requires you (and me, honestly) to take the facts into consideration. I didn’t even think about how this person was maybe communicating they weren’t interested, but it seems like maybe that’s what’s happening. However, I’m curious about what’s prompting them to come visit you? Have you talked about it more? Is the trip to see friends and then also possibly maybe you, or is this person really making an effort to come see you? I wouldn’t want you to put all your crush eggs in one basket just to be an afterthought. If crushing is too agonizing, maybe consider what you want to get out of seeing them, or what you even want from the relationship in the first place.

Q2:

For several years I have been strongly averse to the idea of being in a romantic relationship; when I expressed how much I felt this way to a friend she suggested I may be aromantic, which is a thought that had crossed my mind. Except I was in a relationship with my ex-wife for over 10 years (and have been in another much shorter but still long enough relationship) before my current several years of being single.

I am sure I have been in love, and I have done romantic things, I enjoy queer romantic fiction, I just don’t want to intertwine my life with someone else’s again. I don’t like the way society sees romantic relationships as superior to other kinds of relationships and love. I have people in my life who I love platonically and I don’t want anyone else. I know I am happier single than I have been in previous relationships but I know that doesn’t mean that there isn’t a hypothetical person with whom I might be happier than I am now.

I know I don’t need to label my romantic orientation to justify my feelings, but I can’t let go of the question. To be honest I don’t want to be aromantic, in the same way that when I was 15 I didn’t want to be gay. Nowadays I am very happy to be gay, to be queer, but I worry that being aromantic would detract from my queerness, even though I don’t think of other people who are aromantic (or asexual) as being less queer than me or anyone else. I also worry that if I am aro that invalidates the romantic relationships I have had in the past.

A:

Valerie Anne: First things first: you’re right, you don’t need to label these feelings you’re having to validate them. That said, I do understand the need for labels (my brain would not SHUT UP about the strange gender feelings I was having until I put she/they in my Twitter bio and then it finally calmed down…brains are weird) so I do want to talk this out with you. For one, I don’t think not wanting to be in a relationship in the abstract necessarily means you’re aromantic. The way you talk about not wanting a relationship feels very logic-based to me. It doesn’t sound like you don’t believe in love or have never experienced it or have no desire to experience it again, it’s just that, practically, relationships involve a lot of messy details that have nothing to do with feelings that you’re not interested in dealing with any time soon, if ever again. I think that’s very fair, and can be true of anyone, regardless of whether or not they have the capacity/desire for romantic love. To make a very imperfect metaphor, think of it like this: Someone can really love having cheesecake every time they go out to dinner, but then after a while, decide they don’t want to order cheesecake at restaurants anymore because it’s time consuming and costs too much money. It doesn’t mean they never liked cheesecake. They’re just not interested in the hassle of it anymore. And who knows, maybe a cheesecake will change their mind someday, but they’re not looking for that or even hoping for it, they’re just going to enjoy their cheesecake-free life and the time and money they’re saving and think fondly about the cheesecakes they’ve had before.

I don’t know the science on aromanticism and asexuality as far as it being nature or nurture, if it’s something that can change and develop over time or if it’s something you always are and always will be, but I do know that it’s all a spectrum, or multiple spectra, and maybe you’re on the aromantic spectrum but did fall in love with a few particular people. Or maybe you’re demisexual, which is often considered on the asexuality spectrum, and you have to know a person really, really well to feel attracted to them. Whatever the answer is, it only really matters if it matters to you. If you decide you feel like aromatic fits you, it’s not like the memory fairy is going to fly down and pluck your happy memories from past relationships away from you, or steal your laminated rainbow queer membership card. No one worth talking to is going to interrogate you about your dating history in an attempt to invalidate your identity; anyone who comes close is a walking red flag and doesn’t deserve to be in your life anyway.

The tl;dr is: just because you don’t want a relationship doesn’t mean you’re aromantic, AND if you are aromantic, that doesn’t invalidate your past relationships. And perhaps most importantly: Being aromantic doesn’t make you any less queer. Find what labels (or lack thereof) feel right for you, and don’t let anyone else tell you what you are or are not. Maybe investigate that pushback feeling you’re having that reminds you of when you first were realizing you were queer and see if you’re rejecting it because you’re afraid things will change or if you’re rejecting it because it truly doesn’t feel right. And take your time! There’s no deadline for these things. You have the rest of your life to pick and choose and mix and match and add and drop labels to your heart’s content.

Q3:

What’s the etiquette on becoming friends with your friend’s ex after they break up? Assume you met the ex through your friend and didn’t know them before.

Do you ask your friend first if they’re ok with you hanging out with their ex? If so, how do you phrase that? Really don’t want to hurt the friend’s feelings.

A:

Carmen: Oooof this can be tricky! And how to move forward can depend on a lot of factors that aren’t able to be known right now (what were the reasons behind the break up? Are there negative emotions between the exes? How recent was the break up? Were you already friends with this ex before the break up, or are you pursuing a new friendship with them now, post-break up?). So! Please take what I say next with a grain of salt, and know that I’m basing it on my personal experience; your mileage may vary depending on your own.

That said, in my experiences you can still be friends with a friend’s ex — though it is delicate! I find that those situations work best if you were all friends before break up, so you have your own independent relationship with said ex before break up, or if there’s been a significant lapse in time so that all the harsh emotions have settled. And if the break up itself was not a matter of abuse, cheating, or some other large-scale issue beyond your basic “sometimes romantic relationships just don’t work out.” In each of those situations, I haven’t necessarily told my friend about it ahead of time, no. My feeling on that is that we’re all adults here and that all of my relationships aren’t necessarily privy to all of my friends. That said! I also don’t talk to my friends about their exes either; I don’t flaunt (intentionally or unintentionally) in their faces about how their exes are doing or moving on with their lives, or vice versa. And I only do this if this is a relationship that has meant a lot to me or I genuinely feel important about pursuing. Otherwise, the delicacy of that high wire act is not worth it to me.

And of course, in a situation of abuse or cheating or what have you, that’s completely different for me! That’s a Do Not Pass Go. If someone intentionally hurt my friend, they are not a friend to me. But again, your mileage on this will be your own! Wishing you all the best!

Em: I’ve been exactly where you are now, and I’m still unsure about how to handle this situation. In addition to what Carmen said, I think it also depends on the nature of the breakup and the values of the person you’re friends with. In my case, my then-friend broke up with my bff right before they got married in a quite unforgivable way. Even though I still would love to be friends with her ex, it was more important to my bff to stand by her. My bff communicated that she would feel somewhat betrayed if I kept talking to her ex, so I slowly let my friendship with her ex go.

However, if the roles were reversed, I wouldn’t totally mind if my friends were friends with my ex. My good friends know that my values in friendship lie in other places. A big part of being a good friend is knowing what will hurt or help your friend, so if you’re totally lost I’d start there. Frame it as an open conversation with the intention of understanding what would be best for them.

Q4:

I hate college, how do I make it more bearable?

A:

Carmen: My friend, I’m sorry to hear that college has been a hard time! I know that many of us have definitely felt that way. I think — based on your question — there might be a few ways college is feel like too much, and I’m not sure which direction you are leaning, so please excuse me if I speak in broad generalities here! But if you’re perhaps feeling isolated or alone in college, the first thing I’d suggest is if you’ve tried out any student groups that might have an overlapping interest with you? I realize that sounds very 101! But I also know that sometimes in college we get stuck in our dorm, or our dorm room, and if we aren’t feeling the vibes in those spaces — we don’t remember to go beyond those walls. Does your school have an LGBT Student Center? Could you possibly hang out there? Or maybe even better, volunteer there? Sometimes being a part of something, as in helping build it or contributing to it, can help grow affinity or a sense of place even more than merely being a member.

And going from that, I would also add that you don’t have to find your community on a college campus at all! I don’t know where your school is located (big city, small time), but it might be worthwhile to see if there’s other places that you might be interested in spending your time or getting to know new people! Especially as queer people, if for instance your college is an overwhelming straight space, being able to metaphorically “bust out” and see what else is out there.

That all said, if what is making it feel unbearable is academics and not social environment, I’d think about using the next semester to maybe try new classes or (or test out a new major or minor?). Are you feeling a responsibility to take certain classes over others and maybe it’s eating you up inside? Would you be able to spare a class or two to take something that is more of your interest or in your heart? If your particular school doesn’t have anything that matches those interests, are there cross-programs with other students?

Of course, I wouldn’t feel like I was being responsible to you if I also didn’t say that ultimately, if you try absolutely everything and none of it works for you – there are also so many paths to a fulfilling, successful, happy life that don’t include college if it one day comes to that. (I know that in my family that was never said to me, so I wanted to say it to you now).

But I also don’t think that we are not there yet! I think you have so many ways to find something that sparks for you. This is such an exciting, new chapter that is full of possibilities ahead of you. I know it may not feel that way, trust me when I say that I’ve been there but you have your one precious, beautiful life and the fact that you wrote in to ask this question tells me that you already know that! I’m sending you so much love as you figure out your next steps from here.

Q5:

My girlfriend and I have started talking about having a baby together. We live separately by choice, and would continue doing so, except probably in the first few months when the baby’s fresh-baked and having two people on hand all the time would really help. She’d move house to be within walking distance of me, and I’d be the one carrying the baby and the main parent the kid mostly lives with. We’re both super excited about this! I think this arrangement would work super well for us.

I’m feeling a step to the left of all the pregnancy and parenting advice I find. Advice for lesbian parents, single parents by choice, divorced co-parents, poly parents (we are poly but usually this advice is directed at multi-parent families, and neither of us is currently dating anyone else), etc is all somewhat applicable but I’m doing a LOT of “take what’s relevant and leave the rest.” So I’d love to know if y’all know of any blogs, podcasts, articles, etc for people who are in a romantic relationship and parenting together without living together. I’m sure we’re not the only ones who’ve ever done this! Or if you have advice yourselves for things we should be thinking about and conversations we should be having, that would be great too.

I might be low-key chewing on whether I think it would be fun to write about this process and sub it to Autostraddle. I’m having so much more fun than I expected learning about how to have a baby and I process my thoughts by writing; I bet I’ll be journaling about it anyway!

Thanks, y’all are delights.

A:

Nico: This is one of those times where I am hoping that posting this question may lead to a kind of crowd-sourcing of answers from our members and readers. However, I am a person who — though in a much more theoretical and less impending way — am considering such a thing, in other words, that I might like to coparent with someone or someones someday, but I most likely do not want any cohabitation to be permanent beyond the initial months. So, in just that, you’re not alone in thinking this is sounds ideal, actually! Family structures look all kinds of ways, and I think (and believe many will agree) that the most important things where a child is concerned are that a home is safe, loving, accepting and supportive — and not so much that it conforms to any Highly Recent ideas of the nuclear family structure.

I, think, for inspiration, I’ve looked — and only glancingly so I wish I could share more — at family structures that people have held throughout time and across cultures. There are so many ways to make families!

After some research / googling, though, I did find that a good search term for this might be “living apart together” + children, or whatever variations you want to put through a search engine. I found this article about the relationship of a het couple with kids, but, also, the kids came before the relationship, with other people, etc. You’re right that it’s hard to find! I’d love to know more about what people find, but this may very well also be a situation where folks doing this are paving their own way (or being, perhaps, some of the first to document doing so in a digital way). It’s part of our legacy as queer people to continue to question the status quo, to find new ways of being, and to share our learnings with our community. Sending y’all so much love.

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