Welcome to Butt Week, friends! An entire week dedicated to butts and butt-adjacent stuff: how-tos, thoughtful essays, original art, pop culture critiques, music and more! You are absolutely not ready for this and yet it is happening to you, right now.
One of the things I spend a lot of time doing is looking at Autostraddle’s numbers. How many people liked, retweeted, commented on, organically shared, or yelled about a post? How many people, total, read a post? Why does this tweet have ten times as many retweets as that tweet about the same thing? What time of day do most people want to read about TV? (Morning and afternoon.) What time of day do most people want to read about sex? (Evenings and all day on Sundays.) What time of day to people want to read Vapid Fluff? (All day every day.) Will people read another post about a thing we already wrote a post about? And on and on and on.
I also spend a lot of time reading and thinking about how algorithms work, and trying to figure out how to game them in any way possible to make us competitive with sites that have whole teams of people who know how to bend the algorithms to their will. I am hardly ever successful at this!
Anyway, when we kicked off Butt Week, I spent some time researching our previous Butt Content to try to figure out how make Butt Week a success on Google and on social media. Here are some of the things my research has revealed.
Autostraddle Top 15 Pre-Butt Week Butt Posts, According to Google
How To Eat Ass, by Carolyn
How to Bring Butt Plugs Into Your Lesbian Sex Life, by Carolyn
Self-Acceptance & Butt Cover-Ups: 8 Queer Women’s Tattoo Stories, by Emily Browne
Bottoms Up: Bottoming and Butt Sex, by Ari
NSFW Lesbosexy Sunday Is Looking At Your Butt, by Carolyn
“Legends of Tomorrow” Episode 502 Recap: Never Trust a Big Butt and Smile, by Valerie Anne
Want A Lady Superhero On Your Butt? League of Ladies Undies Can Make That Happen, by Vanessa
Also.Also.Also: Melissa Harris-Perry and Beyoncé Could Kick Every Stupid Republican’s Butt and Other Stories We Missed This Week, by Carmen Rios
“Supergirl” Episode 308 / “Arrow” Episode 608: Legends of SuperFlarrow Parts I & II (aka The One Where Sarah Asks Alex About Her Butt), by Valerie Anne
Top Ten Sweatpants (“These Champion sweatpants are not cute. Your butt will not be featured or showcased in any way.”), by Riese
Celebrate Anal August With These Toys For Better Butt Sex, by Carolyn
Stick The Entire Rainbow Up Your Ass For Pride, by Riese
Holigay Gift Guide: Last-Minute Anal Gifts, by Archie
Sunburn Cures For Your Sunburned Ass, by Lizz
Autostraddle’s Top 10 Butt Tweets, According to Twitter
In honor of Butt Week and the recent ability to gift memberships, I'm gifting five A+ memberships to anyone who wants to be A+ but can't swing the cost during this apocalypse. DM me.#AutostraddleButtWeek https://t.co/95WWQZffBG
— Doc 🍌 (@hugscactuses) October 17, 2020
we just believe in ourselves and all of you and in BUTTS you know 🍑
— vanessa 🔪🔪🔪 (@vanessapamela) October 14, 2020
Well, I just sent my grandma a photo of dildos and butt plugs because I was tweeting for Autostraddle and texting her at the same time.
— Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) December 1, 2016
I keep waiting for someone to get mad @ me for talking about Demi's butt so much but ¯_(ツ)_/¯
— a spooky bird (@stefschwartz) August 3, 2016
if she gets mad ill just be like aw babe ok here's my butt too
— Laura Zak (@la_wa) August 3, 2016
Favorite comment on Autostraddle's article on the ESPN Body Issue: "All those butts. I feel like Tina Belcher."
— Megan A. Brooks (@librarygrrrl) July 8, 2015
went to see Carol and after one of the sex scenes an old dude said really loudly: “WHERE ARE THE BUTTS?” Couldn’t stop laughing during the rest of the film. Later won a copy of the Blu-ray from @autostraddle! https://t.co/00cdn4ukHd
— catherine the great🎃 (@catherinethegay) June 28, 2020
God designed butts to be spanked! The Bible is very clear on this.
— Nicky Reid (@NickyRe35133568) October 22, 2020
Wow – taking pictures of my ass for work is just perfect.
I know y’all better be celebrating “Butt Week” with us over at @autostraddle 🧡 I sent a girl a sneak peek of the photos I’ll be posting and the response was quite good sooo….. pic.twitter.com/skq3t63lAu
— Swap Meet Mannequin (@HiShelli) October 20, 2020
ten things i love:
1. butts
2. dykes
3. hipness
4. magazines
5. you two
6. attention
7. money
8. gratitude
9. yelling
10. love— Gr—inceL—avery 🎃 (@graceelavery) October 12, 2020
Autostraddle’s Top 20 Butt and Butt-Adjacent Posts of the Past Year
25 Streaming Movies With Hot Lesbian Sex Scenes, by Riese
Shibari 101: Single- and Double-Column Ties, by Cee
What Does It Mean to Be a “Bottom” or “Submissive” in Lesbian Sex?, by Riese
Bondage 101: How To Tie Someone Up, by Carolyn
Shibari 101: Let’s Talk About Japanese Rope Bondage, by Cee
What Does It Mean to Be a “Top” or a “Dominant” in Lesbian Sex?, by Riese
6 Easy Steps for Fucking Your Friends Without Fucking Up the Friendship, by Vanessa
TruckSlutsMag Is Making Trucks Gay and Reclaiming Rural Queer Culture, by Lauren Parker
Service Tops, Bratty Bottoms and Pillow Princesses: Other Words You Use to Describe How You Have Sex, by Riese
Lesbian Sex: Your 15 Favorite Ways To Have It, by Riese
Every L Word Sex Scene, Ranked, by Riese
The 50 Best Queer Sex Toys, by Carolyn and Archie
What Does It Mean To Be a Switch in Lesbian Sex?, by Riese
10 Tips For Better Lesbian Sexting, by Carolyn
Ready For Your Close-Up: The Beginner’s Guide to Taking a Sexy Solo Video, by Courtney
How to Have Lesbian Sex For the First Time: NSFW Sunday Special
How To Pick Up Chicks: A Lesbian Guide to Getting Girl-on-Girl Action, by Phoenix
100 Things That Are Orange, Ranked, by Riese
Queer Flagging 101: How to Use the Hanky Code to Signal the Sex You Want to Have, by Archie
Autostraddle’s Most Relevant 🍑 Conversations, According to Slack
Heather your grandma must have been Most Confused. I can NOT stop laughing
CatherineTheGay’s tweet re: an old dude complaining about the lack of butts in Carol’s sex scenes gives me such life!!! Omg!
GIVE ME BUTTS OR GIVE ME DEATH
Wow I miss being in autostraddle slack so much