Faking It Episode 206 Recap: Can I Have Your Number I Think We Should Go Out

But before we can dwell too long, FAMOUS SUPER POP ICON STARS I’VE NEVER HEARD OF FIFTH HARMONY take the stage to perform a rousing rendition of The New Kids On The Block’s “The Right Stuff.” Honestly I performed this song for my Mom on my futon in 1990 and it was way better than this. They’re much better singers and dancers than me though, so I’ll give them that.

Amy: A girl band that performs vintage boy band covers? That’s pretty cool.
Lauren: That’s pretty loud.

Lauren goes off to find ibuprofen while Shane scores real DRUGS from a DRUG DEALER and brings them over to Amy. Shane insists that despite typically being strictly “an herbal man,” he’s pushing drug pills tonight because this drug pill might break Amy out of her “rut.” Amy’s doubtful.

It's a magical bean, okay? It'll make you grow really tall, alright? Just trust me. — It’s a magical bean, okay? I had to become a wizard and fight eight goblins to get this so just take it, okay?

Shane’s holding the pill with an open palm in a crowded club so I already wanna scream but then suddenly Lauren shows up, sees the pill, goes “oh great, you found one!” and pops it, thinking it’s ibuprofen! This is gonna be like when I accidentally took a Ritalin instead of an Ambien and couldn’t figure out why I was up all night.

LAUREN DON'T SWALLOW THE MAGIC BEANS YOU'RE GOING TO TURN INTO A GIANT BEANSTALK — LAUREN DON’T SWALLOW THE MAGIC BEANS WE NEED TO SAVE THEM TO FIGHT THE GIANT

Back at the art show, an “art blogger” is telling Liam she’d love to feature his work, which she thinks is about “guilt.”

Are you familiar with Jodi Lerner? Your work really summons her work to mine — Have you ever heard of Jodi Lerner? Your work is just so reminiscent of her mixed-media sculpture-related explorations, I truly believe you’d have so much to learn from each other.

Then Karma pops up and he introduces her to the “art blogger” but he still can’t say the word “girlfriend.” So he says “wife” instead. This is why we shouldn’t be giving straight people special rights.

Back at The Underground Party, Lauren IS HAVING A BLAST. She’s got her blazer off, she’s got her dancing shoes off but her dancing body on, she’s got her candy necklace on, she’s got a candy pacifier hanging out ALL up in her mouth, it is PARTY TIME.

I've had an everlasting gobstopper in my mouth for THREE HOURS! It's true THEY REALLY DO LAST FOREVER! — I JUST GAVE A BLOW JOB TO A PUSH-POP AND IT WAS AWESOME

Also, she’s thirsty as hell and wants to tell Amy and Shane for the 15th time just how much she truly loves them!

OMG Lauren you can't slap my ass in public that's just for private time — OMG Lauren you can’t slap my ass in public that’s just for private time

Reagan’s beckoning Amy to the DJ booth and Shane’s encouraging her to hit it up, but Amy says she’s not feeling it.

C'mon, come up here and give the kids at home a nice lesbian storyline to curl up next to — C’mon, come up here and give the kids at home a nice lesbian storyline to curl up next to

Shane’s had enough:

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Shane: Just admit it, part of you wants Karma to storm in here and grab you and say “I wanna be with you and I don’t care who knows it!”
Amy: I have put those feelings behind me!
Shane: Okay, if that’s the case then get back up to that DJ booth!
Amy: You said tonight was about having friends with friends. You’re my friend! Lauren’s my friend when she’s on ecstasy!

You guys, Lauren is A. It’s official. Because LAUREN HEARS EVERYTHING. Including that thing Amy just said about Lauren being on ecstasy, which sends Lauren and her pacifier into the coat room, clutching parkas in fear.

Lauren: How long does this last? Am I a drug addict? What if I get arrested and they take away all my pageant crowns and I’ll never be the second female president! YOU TWO ARE THE WORST!

At first I thought the stripes went better with my necklace, but now I'm leaning towards the plaid? — At first I thought the stripes went better with my necklace, but now I honestly don’t know!

Shane tells Lauren that she needs to return to her happy place and step into the light. Lauren decides to stay in the coat room like B613. Then Karma calls again, this time to tell Amy that Liam just called her his wife! What does that mean? What should she do?

Seriously Karma, you just have to stop reading the comments on your blog — Seriously Karma, you just have to stop reading the comments.

Amy’s got an idea for what Karma should do: stop talking to Amy about this shit ’cause she can’t handle it. Anyways, Amy’s at a super cool party so she wishes Karma MAZEL TOV on her wedding and hangs the fuck up. FINALLY.

But it's not fair! They can just hop onto my blog and say things about me that aren't even true and I'm just supposed to stand here and take it? — But it’s not fair! They can just hop onto my blog and say things about me that aren’t even true and I’m just supposed to stand here and take it?

Then Amy climbs up to the DJ booth. With all the social grace of, well, Amy, Amy introduces herself gamely with a “Can I have your number I think we should go out.”

Hi I want to have sex with you are you busy

Like so many lesbian DJs on television before her, Reagan puts her special DJ headphones on Amy as a gesture of affection. Does Jennifer Tilly read lesbian erotica into Lesbian DJ Headphones? What magic happens when a DJ puts her headphones on the head of a prospective paramour? I can only dream.

Here, now you'll never have to hear a man speak ever again — Here, now you’ll never have to hear a man speak ever again

Meanwhile, our dearest most perfect Lauren is falling into pieces in a pile of coats worrying that her drug-induced jaw grind is gonna make her develop a manly jaw.

Yellow track jacket, I loved you most of all — Dear yellow track jacket, I loved you most of all

Then, Theo finally calls, and Lauren picks up because even in a moment of duress she is a WOMAN who knows her WORTH, DAMMIT. Lauren has some choice words for Theo:

Lauren: The very last thing I should be doing right now is talking to you but I’m not about to let you get away with calling me on a Friday night when you probably thought you could skate by with leaving a voice mail and not actually have to talk to me since all you do is avoid me and you’re being super confusing and I can’t deal with this right now because my friends drugged me and I’m 95% sure I’m dying.

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Theo is like WAIT WHAT WHERE ARE YOU YOU’RE ON DRUGS WHAT HAPPENED. Looks like somebody besides Yvonne is gonna save the day today!

I can't believe you took ecstasy without me! We always said we'd never do it unless it was with each other! — I can’t believe you took ecstasy without me! We always said we’d never do it unless it was with each other!

Back at The Art Show, Liam accidentally wanders into somebody’s art piece, which consists of a guy asking him the same question over and over again. Liam tells the artist that he thought he feared commitment, but what if he’s really just feeling guilt, like the art blogger said?

Wait, you're the guy I hooked up with at that bathhouse, right? — Wait, you’re the guy from the bathhouse, right?

Will Liam ever be able to say that Karma is his girlfriend? Welp, apparently he can say the word to the artist but not to Karma, so maybe Karma needs to spell out the word “girlfriend” using pixie sticks and cardboard swords and then we’ll be in business.

Karma: If you can’t say it, then maybe your mouth knows what your brain doesn’t want to admit.

Look this girls — Look this girl is super into me even though originally I only wanted to sleep with her ’cause I thought she was a lesbian! Dreams really do come true!

Karma and Liam’s heart-to-heart is happening right in front of the art, so everybody thinks they are the art and they clap at the end of Karma and LIam’s fight! Karma clears that up:

Karma: WE ARE NOT THE ART.

Wait, was everybody looking at me when I was showing Liam how one of my breasts is bigger than the other ?

Liam tells Karma that he wants to make it work, but is worried that he can’t because he is a bad person. He said that. I didn’t say it, he said it! They kiss and hook pinkies or something.

Okay I promise to never go nipple clamp shopping without you again

Theo rescues Lauren from her Palace of Coats. She says his voice is so velvety it’s like the ocean! Also, she wants him to admit that he likes her, so he does. Then he carries her out of the party on his back and it’s kinda adorable.

Look I made myself a castle out of coats! — Hello? Are you the magical dragon who has come to retrieve me from my palace of coats?

Meanwhile how is anybody gonna find their coats. Also why are there so many coats at a party in AUSTIN TEXAS? Regardless, Amy’s chilling with the sexy DJ, hopefully plotting to blow up the joint with some Amy Grant.

Don't worry baby, that Goo Goo Dolls remix you requested is next on my playlist — That’s right, I’m up here with a hot girl who’s already got her Rodeoh on

Duke keeps sending Shane sexy pics and finally Shane is like OK I’LL COME OVER.

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This is also a great way to get me NOT to come over

Alas, we’re unable to witness whatever happens next with Amy and Reagan because the world is a cold dark place. Instead, we cut straight to Amy and Karma in separate beds in their tank tops and necklaces having Girl Talk on the phonepiece.

What if I just wrote back like two sentences that made it clear the commenter was wrong without making it seem like I cared too much?

Amy and Karma make up and then Amy tells Karma that she met a girl and the girl is a DJ and she is 19 and Karma is INTO IT. FRIENDS FOREVER!

The good news is that next week they’re going to actually make out, which means you’ve all been spared the rant I was about to go into about how everybody except Amy gets to make out. I can’t wait to find out if Amy knows how to move her limbs and kiss at the same time!

http://youtu.be/gMgKXy1oNoU