Welcome to the weekly AF+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from AF+ members who submitted their queries into our AF+ ask box!
How do I know if I’m trans, nonbinary, or a masculine lesbian?
Recently, I have been pondering this question and while I do believe that gender is or can be fluid, I am having a bit of an identity crisis and would love to hear some experiences from people who may have also pondered this or similar questions related to gender identity.
This is not the first time I have asked myself but I thought I had settled it. Now I’m not so sure. I used to wear my brother’s clothing and have sexual preferences that involve strapping. I present very masculine in my clothing and appearance and am sometimes delighted to be called ‘sir’ when out in public. But I have never had an explicit thought that ‘I am a man,’ so I am worried that maybe I am just a little masculine of centre and maybe not trans. I don’t know.
My sexual and romantic attraction seemed to be so easy to identify and yet I am really struggling with questions related to my gender. I have a safe place at home to explore this question and my wife has expressed sincere and unconditional support, which is great. But I really wish someone could just tell me what I am! Ha, I know that’s not possible.
Maybe you could suggest resources that may help me?
Sincerely,
Questioning
Motti: Thank you so much for giving me the opportunity to talk about the beautiful, abundant intersection of lesbianism and transmasculinism. I am an AFAB person who has gone through the labels of bicurious, bisexual, lesbian, masc lesbian, femme non-binary, masc non-binary, and now transmasc. Phew! You still with me? I’m so happy that you have a safe space at home and with your wife to discuss these nuanced topics! No one can tell you who you are… but I am going to make the argument that the way in which folks interact with you can help inform how you self identify. Let me explain.
You mentioned that you are sometimes delighted to be called ‘sir’ when out in public (me too!). This is really helpful for you to know as it can guide you and your loved ones to interact with you in a way that is affirming. I have a few follow up questions. Does the delightment of being called “sir” make you, maybe the next day, lean more into the way you’re presenting yourself so that it happens again? Do you find yourself looking for more ways to ensure the next cashier you see duplicates that experience? Are you disappointed if the next person calls you “ma’am” instead?
This is not to say that these titles determine our gender, but rather our instinctive reactions to how people perceive us can be wildly informative. For instance, I knew I wasn’t a girl or a woman because any time someone used she/her pronouns for me, called me miss or ma’am, or otherwise interacted with me in a way that made it clear they saw me as a woman, I wanted to crawl out of my skin and hide. I knew that woman was incorrect… so what is the right answer?
That’s one I’m still figuring out. If I get giddy when the barista calls me “boss” and compliments my sneakers, and I light up when my girlfriend calls me her boyfriend, and top surgery pretty much saved my life… safe to say I’m a man, right? No! Because I’ve also never had the explicit thought “I am a man.” Maybe that’s due to internalized transphobia or fear of becoming a straight white man or any number of reasons. I currently use the identifier “transmasc” and it feels so correct for me. Trans men are included within this umbrella term, but so are masc-presenting non-binary folks. It kind of does a great job of describing my vibe: certainly not cis, definitely not a woman, very much masc. And then all the other details seem to not matter quite as much, because this covers how I interact with myself and how I’d like others to interact with me.
Gender is a tough one! Don’t get down on yourself that you’re having a harder time with it than you did with your sexuality and romantic attraction. It’s so much easier to point at something and say, “I like that!” than it is to dig deep within, abandon everything you know to be true about yourself, stand proudly, and declare, “This is who I am!” I know that it feels like a crisis but try to have a little fun with it. You’re in a fantastic position with such a loving and caring partner – try some stuff out! Switch up the pronouns, have her call you her hubby instead of wife, handsome instead of beautiful, etc. and see if you get the same delight at home as you do when it comes from a stranger. That can help you break down how deep those feelings go. Plus, if it feels icky or not right, you just pivot back to what you like.
All of that is to say, I think you should lean into the chaos of this crisis. Throw shit at the wall and see what sticks. Hold your gender in your hands and toss what does not serve you.
Tima: Being a masculine presenting lesbian, I’d be lying if I said the thought of transitioning didn’t occur to me early in my coming out experience. You’re told growing up that masculinity is solely synonymous with manhood and you think “Well does that mean I’m a boy?”. “Does this mean I’m non-binary?”. I was able to come to my own conclusion by leading with one central metric…….feeling. Instead of getting hung up on definitions and perceptions, I asked myself a series of questions, with the default being “How does this ultimately make you feel?”
“When people call you sir or assume you’re a man, how do you feel?”
Though it wasn’t the end of the world for me, I didn’t like it. It felt weird and uncomfortable like being asked to write a novel with my left hand.
“How does the non-binary identity feel to you?”
I disliked this as well. Being referred to as they felt like I had to force myself to answer to a name that wasn’t mine.
“When people call you ma’am or assume you’re a woman, how do you feel?”
When people called me “she” or my partners would call me their “girlfriend,” it made me feel warm on the inside. The thought of being someone’s boyfriend, partner, sibling or brother felt like a costume. Womanhood felt good on me.
“Why do you even enjoy masculine clothing?”
So what’s the point, right? What do I get out of presenting masculinity if manhood or agenderism doesn’t feel good on me? I realized my clothing was not a tool I used for gender affirmation. I simply dressed masc because it made me feel gorgeous. Some things are just that simple. Subconsciously I was always taught that womanhood and beauty revolved around straight-cis men finding me conventionally desirable. As I started to put my feelings before perception, I discovered that your expression has everything to do with YOU and nothing to do with others. So you mean to tell me that I could put on a piece of clothing that’s in direct opposition to traditional feminine beauty standards, have a reduced experience with the male gaze, AND still feel like the most beautiful girl in the world? That felt so powerful. It was truly a self-love originating from within that no one could take away from me.
So I would say to you, find your “Why?”. Why do you express yourself the way you do? Why does this make you feel good? Why do certain perceptions of you feel uncomfortable? Those answers will become puzzle pieces slowly coming together revealing the full picture of you. It might take hours, months, or years to find those answers and that’s okay. Identity discovery is a journey, not a destination. Be kind to yourself and you will know when you know.
POEM RECOMMENDATIONS FOR MY BIG LESBIAN WEDDING PLEASE (very soon so put me in the next edition) – ideally smth that incorporates the lgbt struggle instead of a regular aul love poem xox
Kayla: I quite recently researched this! And literally, when in doubt: any of the 21 love poems by Adrienne Rich.
Riese: You might find something in this tag!
Nico: This is a great opportunity for a crowd-sourced answer, too. Leave your favorite queer love poems in the comments – and also CONGRATULATIONS FRIEND!
I just found out that my shitty ex-girlfriend from like five years ago is engaged and is getting married before I am! (I’m also engaged – my fiancee and I’s wedding will be next year). Obviously I don’t have any feelings for this person, but it’s just weird!!! Just need my feelings to be validated.
Nico: Not before you! But in all seriousness, it can bring up a ton of yucky feelings when someone who’s harmed us or treated us poorly is doing well, even years later, when we should be “over it.” You don’t mention whether this wedding intersects a lot with your current social circles (in that case, maybe inviting comparison or creating situations where you might hear about it), but if that is the case, I think gently asking friends not to bring it up is totally fine. If it’s just the knowledge that she’s presumably found happiness that irks you, then I think you can take some comfort in the following. If she’s going to be actually happy in this new partnership, then she must have learned some things after your relationship together and worked on herself, which, even if you two never process it out, means that she surely has some increased self awareness, right? That’s cool. People can change! It doesn’t invalidate any way you feel about past treatment, but we all have lives and we all have capacity for growth and due to the nature of time, we continue hurtling forward regardless. In the case that she hasn’t changed at all, well, then I think you can light a candle for the new partner and wish them the best, you know?
And getting married isn’t a race. Finding happiness isn’t a race. It doesn’t mean anything that you are getting married after your ex. I know it feels weird, and that’s normal, messy, human. Maybe do a little letting go ritual on the next full moon. Burn anything you still have that reminds you of this relationship (that is burnable, not expensive or anything), and let it go. Because your ex isn’t your problem anymore, and you’re getting married!!! CONGRATS!
I’m part of a very lovely little queer community that does a lot together and all lives close to each other. Lately, some of our group’s neurospicy-ness has led to misunderstandings/frustrations, especially over our discord server. Mostly this comes up when people’s definitions of terms aren’t always in alignment, and can result in defensiveness/hurt feelings.
Y’all have any tips for navigating group agreements amongst a friend group? How might one initiate/facilitate such a thing? I already do a lot of managing for people in the group’s “time blindness”, and I don’t really know if I have the spoons to take on a facilitator role. I’m also a public school teacher and sometimes just wanna say to my grown friends, “Come on, can you pretty please assume the best intentions from your fellow queers, ask for clarification instead of attacking, and just keep the drama out? I already deal with other people’s group conflicts all the time at work!”
Something tells me that approach won’t be helpful though, ha! All ideas welcome.
Nico: I think you actually can say that! Text is such a difficult medium to convey tone in that sometimes, reminding everyone that reading more generously is super welcome in a dynamic like this. Now, you mention you’re already out of bandwidth here. I recommend asking a couple other folks who feel the same way if they would be willing to help remind the group so it’s not all on you. You’re so right that this can be a tough dynamic, especially when everyone is neurospicey, but I think making it not just on you is a good first step – and helping each other is what friends are for!
Riese: I agree, I think you can say that and it’s a fair thing to say! i think often queers turn on each other because it feels easier and more accessible than turning on the larger structures and institutions and people that cause us actual harm. When we do this, we’re giving those things more power, and fracturing our own relationships to each other. (Which also gives them more power.) There are ways to gently help and educate each other. Rarely does anything positive come out of bad faith assumptions.
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Re: the last question, I guess it’s worth posing to the group whether these differences are really worth actual fighting. I have friends who hold some Queer Community Opinions I disagree with and some friends who would disagree even more intensely with each other but it’s not important enough to me to have an actual fight. I just say “hmm all right” and move on. (And I’m not talking about being cool with full blown racism etc– more like discourse nuances where we are generally on the same page about the REALLY important stuff.) (And for the record I am autistic and definitely struggle with some intense morality and black and white thinking, so I get it from that angle. But as I get older I’m more able to hold the nuance. Plus I think it’s good to avoid the echo chamber of everyone having all of the exact same opinions about everything all the time and to continually challenge if not change my thinking.)
Q1: In addition to the amazing self-reflection questions listed, I’d also add some questions around *why* do you want an external person/force/entity to label you? What is uncomfortable about the present ambiguity? Is it fear of claiming the wrong identity and taking something away from someone else/another community? (Fear of claiming oppression brownie points?) Or, is it fear of taking on a marginalized identity at a time when people of that group are experiencing escalating political oppression? Is it fear of declaring yourself something and later discovering you don’t feel that way or maybe you never felt that way? It might also be worth exploring that discomfort/fear as well, in addition to exploring specific gender-related feelings.
And re: it being harder than sexuality – I think gender and sexuality are both felt individually, relationally, and societally but in different amounts for each person. Sexuality is super relational (who do you want to date/fuck?) so I think it’s easier to identify. I think for most people a lot of gender is societal so it’s super ambiguous and difficult to define, and so much of gender for everyone who is not a cis man is just navigating gender-based oppression so it’s so confusing!
Re: Q4: my goodness do we all need a reminder to go harder on institutions and softer on people. The amount of time we waste on arguments like can trans men be lesbians or what (if any) is the relationship between cishet ace folks and the broader queer community is time we could be spending doing literally anything else! Question-asker, thank you for trying to push back against the eat-our-own queer culture in your discord server <3 <3
Q1: To provide a third perspective to complement the one from a transmasc guy who likes being called sir, and a masc-of-center dressing woman who doesn’t like being called “sir:” I’m a masc-of-center dressing woman who also likes to be called “sir.”
I also spent some time thinking about whether or not non-binary or transmasc felt right for me several years ago. I did this mostly privately – experimented a bit with binding, and imagining inhabiting social situations in different identities. Like the advice said – asking myself about my feelings in these situations. What I ultimately settled on was that I am a woman on my own terms, and if those terms involve shopping for clothes almost exclusively in the “men’s” department, buzz-cutting my hair, and getting a secret thrill at being called “sir” in public, then so be it – those are all valid ways to be a woman. These are also valid ways to be non-binary or transmasc, though, so this really is an internal question that can only be answered within your own mind; just because I feel this way about these personal characteristics for myself does not invalidate a trans guy looking at these characteristics in himself and having a different internal experience with them.
I just wanted to put this out there: that dressing masc, liking “sir”, and being a woman – this is a valid combo. If this uncertainty is coming up just because you’re not sure if liking “sir” or some other recent reaction to an situation somehow invalidates your womanhood – it definitely does not. By all means undergo the introspection if you want, but you also said you thought you had settled this, and it’s okay to stay settled and incorporate your new experiences into your definition of how you want to be a woman rather than how you want to be another gender.
(side note: “ma’am” and “miss” will never not be icky to me with their “let’s encode marital status into female honorifics because that’s definitely the most important thing about a woman” vibe, so “sir” pretty much wins by default for me there anyway.)
Also: as a butch who has been on a gender journey including identifying as trans and nonbinary at various points, I really do not appreciate the phrasing of “just masc.” There is nothing “just” about being a woman. Love Tima’s answer though, especially the line “It was truly a self-love originating from within that no one could take away from me.”
Just thought that the advice r e gender in question one was so good!! So nice to hear the two different perspectives.
Q1: maybe also try not to agonize too much about questions like What AM i, which is basically an abstract and philosophical qestion like Do i have a soul? And what is a soul?
Instead ask more: how do i want to live my life? That should be much more easy to answer, if you focus on day to day aspects and the future.
Another point that might not be true for everyone but might also differenciate trans male from non binary and masc etc is the question which groups you identify with. Do you see yourself in a group of other men, including cis men? Do you identify with any groups of cis men that you know? Do you have any feeling of belonging with any men that you know?
Personally, i find the recent switch to terminology like trans masc increased the confusion, because masculinity has very little to do with feeling male. Tens
Terms like butch are clearer in that aspect.
Look at high feminine gay cis and trans men, for example. They obviously have different criteria than masculinity for saying they are men.
Apart from feeling “the same” as other men, it’s probably the male body that they feel in congruence with, etc.
So, do you feel in congruence with a male body? This is not the same as feeling discrongruent with a female body.
But even if you feel that way it all boils down to the primary question How do you want to live your life?
Thanks for putting in the article description that this is the advice box :)
For Q1 – So I’m a masc of centre lesbian woman with exclusively she/her pronouns. I prefer to wear men’s clothes and I love it when people mistakenly call me “sir” and I hate the terms woman/ma’am only because I still feel at 34 like I’m not an adult yet and I’ve considered both top surgery and starting T but I don’t really identify as “butch” because I grew up pretty well off and now I’m a lawyer so calling myself butch always feels a bit like I’m appropriating a blue-collar identity that I have no right to.
That being said, I’ve wrestled with this exact question for the last few years, and here’s where I’ve landed. I wanted to share because I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone frame it quite like this.
I feel like I am the opposite of trans. Like (some) trans folk try to make their outward appearance match how they feel inside, but I’m the opposite. I want my outward appearance to be totally incongruous with my inner sense of being a woman. I like it when I get misgendered as male not because I want to be referred to as a man but because it means my physical presentation is working. And I really like the look on peoples faces when I bother to correct them. So I can be a woman but wear men’s clothes and maybe even get top surgery or start T and STILL be a woman. And if you want to you can too.
THANK YOU, you just articulated something I’ve been trying to say for so long. I present masc because it’s about the contrast!
I love this perspective so much. Thank you for sharing!!
I love the discussion that Q1 has instigated! My initial response to reading the question was, why not *all* of these things? I relate to all of them. I am all of these things. Thing is, these terms aren’t mutually exclusive to me. Also, their definitions are subjective. I do appreciate the simplicity of using the word trans to mean anything other than your assigned sex at birth, whatever that means to you. Surgery, hormones, clothing, etc are not prerequisites for being or becoming trans. If labels and categories are important to you, why not define whatever term(s) make the most sense to you and use them? But try not to get worked up when society does not follow your lead. Just be the you that brings you pleasure. Call yourself what you want. Express yourself how you want. You do you.
I was part of a Discord that got deleted over discourse/infighting, so I am sending my encouragement and support to Q4. This goes double for teachers: you cannot put it all on yourself to fix things! The group will decide whether staying together is worth the effort or not. I hope they choose yes, but just in case they don’t, definitely keep DMs with the people who are willing to listen and have patience. Sometimes multiple (separate) smaller groups are a good solution too.