Welcome to the 56th edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from A+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box! Here, we answer your questions in a space just for A+ members, safe from the general public. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Here, the Autostraddle team’s doling out advice on everything from sex and relationships, to friend and family dynamics, career questions, style, and more! We’re doing this column TWICE a month, now.

Every SECOND A+ Advice box of the month is themed, like this one! THIS month’s theme is IMPOSTER SYNDROME, SELF-DOUBT AND SELF-SABOTAGE (Yes, all 3), in honor of Autostraddle’s 13th birthday month! The general Into the A+ Advice Box, where we take questions on practically any topic, publishes on the first Friday of each month, and you can send questions on any topic, at any time.

We’re curious. What themed advice boxes would YOU like to see? Let us know in the comments!

So, now, let’s dig in!!

Q1:

(theme box) Sometimes after I comment on an article here I check to see [how] much it got engaged with, and if it didn’t I feel like I’m getting a bad grade in comments. How do I get over myself?

A:

Abeni: In my opinion, the only way to get over yourself is to do it. To stop caring. Maybe some introspection will help: why do you care? From whom or where is this pressure to get a “good grade in comments” coming from? What do you think your comment engagement says about you and why? Is there a better metric by which you can evaluate yourself (answer: yes)? I’m not saying stop commenting; they’re fun and the website appreciates the engagement. But there are a million reasons why your comment might not get interacted with (e.g. nobody happened to see it, it went up at the wrong time, the person who was going to reply had to do a thing and then forgot, it wasn’t your best work, etc.), and none of them mean that you are somehow deficient in some way.

Valerie Anne: Everything Abeni said, plus try to remember all the times you enjoyed a comment or smiled or thought on or even screenshot and sent a comment to someone but didn’t actually interact with it, or every time you went to ‘like’ it and realized you weren’t logged into WordPress and went to log in but got distracted by something else or simply weren’t in the mood to fight with the platform, etc. If none has never happened to you, let me reassure you that these things all happen to me regularly. Speaking for comments on my own articles, I always read every single one of them and I don’t always reply or ‘like’ because of aforementioned reasons. Also because whoever’s byline it is gets the comments sent directly to their email so often I read a comment in my email, love it and smile about it or think on it and don’t actually end up replying to it because I got distracted or busy between reading my email and the next time I’m on the site. So I think just trust yourself! And know that they don’t go unnoticed.

Himani: Oh friend, do I know how you feel. Let’s just say, I do the exact same thing, and this is why I’m no longer on social media (for the most part). I am also SUUUUUPER guilty of this in terms of thinking about my own writing. It is a real struggle. In addition to everything Abeni and Valerie Anne said, the other thing I try to remind myself is that thinking about engagement in this way is an attempt to quantify something that is fundamentally unquantifiable or, rather, can theoretically be quantified but is ultimately meaningless. I’m so bad at believing this for myself, but I try to remind myself again and again: it doesn’t matter how many people read or love what you write. We live in a world so much driven by numbers and metrics and benchmarks and KPIs and whatnot and that is just now how real, meaningful interaction with people or art works. If one person read it and thought “oh wow, I can relate to this” or “wow, this person expressed something I agree with” or anything along those lines, if even one person is touched, that person’s life is changed. It is, truly, life changing. And, perhaps, most importantly, sometimes the person whose life is changed the most is your own, through taking your actions or the time to express yourself or make your thoughts concrete. And that is enough. (Also, credits to my sister because she is the one who is ALWAYS saying this to me.)

Nicole: Finally, I have to point out that even if your comment doesn’t get a “like” (which, again, apologies I know the likes are kind of broken), it means a TON to the writer. So, I definitely want to encourage everyone, if you’re on the edge of commenting, just say something! If it’s nice or encouraging or insightful it’s so much better to have it out there than if you’d held it back.

Q2:

So, dating really really terrifies me and I’m not quite sure why or how to get over it. This year I turn 25, I also have a good job, a car and am moving out of my parents place soon so this really feels like a good time to start dating. To say I’m lonely would be an understatement. I spend more time than I’d like to admit crying about the lack of intimacy in my life. I mute friends on social media who post about their partners a lot. It all just makes me a bit depressed.

I haven’t had any type of romantic or sexual relationship with anyone since my first (and only) breakup back in my junior year of college. I got really emotionally invested with someone who wasn’t ready for that. The breakup was devastating for awhile and my relationship with my ex has been quite the saga since but I’m ready to move on finally.

But, like I said earlier everything about dating terrifies me. I’ve used dating apps, I get lots of matches. I just find connecting with people so hard. I know the main advice people give about online dating is to meet the person irl ASAP but I’ve never done that and the idea is very intimidating. I’m getting anxiety just thinking about it.

I feel a lot of embarrassment about this. Being terrified of something that seemingly everyone else does so easily. It feels like every other queer person has so many fulfilling sexual, romantic or even platonic relationships and I’m just by myself all the time. I feel like a loser. Any advice?

A:

Abeni: You know what you have to do, because it was in the first sentence: figure out why it terrifies you. First, though, a few points: None of those things – age, job, having a car, living alone – mean you should be dating. Nobody should be dating. It’s never “the right time” until you want to be doing it, not a moment before.

Dating is overrated. It won’t cure your loneliness (in fact, dating might make it worse). Stop listening to advice about dating (except for this advice, I guess? I mean, take it with a grain of salt, too). There’s no right way to do it. You don’t have to use apps. You don’t have to meet in person right away. You don’t have to do anything, except what you want. That’s the crux of my advice for you: pump the brakes. Here’s what you think I should do instead.

First, get into therapy if you can afford it and try to drill down into what makes you so anxious and scared about intimacy. Find out why you are so lonely and why you think dating will help – have you attached your definition of your own value as a person to whether someone else validates it through being romantically attracted to you (that’s a trap, by the way). Do you have trauma related to intimacy? You need to work on unpacking that. I don’t think you have to do all of this before you start dating, but I think it would help you sort out what’s really going on here.

Next, why aren’t your friendships affecting your loneliness? A lot of us think of friendships as somewhere lower down the hierarchy than romantic partnerships, but that’s bullshit. You won’t be lonely if you have deep, intimate platonic friendships (you will likely still desire romantic/sexual intimacy, or a diversity of types of partnership, but good friendship makes generalized loneliness much less likely). You hinted that you may be struggling with this as well – if so, there have been a bunch of friendship YNH answers posted on this very website recently; take a look. If you have friends but they’re not that deep, I wrote a thing about strengthening friendships; maybe it could help. Invest in your friendships and re-think how you value them – in my opinion, they have the potential to be deeper and longer-lasting than 90%+ of the romantic partnerships you’ll have in your life.

Finally, stop comparing yourself to other people. Partnerships on social media are almost always idealized. These other queer people who you think have perfect lives? They don’t. Everyone else does not do it easily! Have you seen these advice columns before? Dating is terrible and everyone kind of hates it (except for beautiful and charismatic extroverts, I imagine). Nearly everyone struggles. You’re not a loser, and there’s no need to feel embarrassed. The happiest people I know are the ones who love themselves, enjoy spending time with themselves, date themselves, fuck themselves, and allow a select few lovers, or sometimes just one, to enjoy themselves with themselves. That’s the energy you need to go for, in my opinion. It has a bonus side effect, too: people who are completely confident and comfortable in themselves and don’t need a lover are the sexiest people on the planet. They attract lovers without much effort!

Valerie Anne: Find friends first. You said you’re by yourself all the time and muting friends on social media and feeling isolated and lonely, but it’s not something having a partner will fix. What happens if that partnership doesn’t work out? You’re back to square one. Also, it’s not fair to you or to your potential partner to put 100% of the responsibility of keeping you from being lonely on one person. So find friends first. Strengthen existing friendships, meet new friends you met online, go to queer bars/coffee shops/bookshops and talk to people; these things are also scary but will be good practice for dating eventually. I am single and have been for a long time and am not actively dating/on the apps/seeking a partner but I have so many fulfilling platonic friendships. And from watching my friends date, I noticed a pattern: my friends who were just in the business of meeting new people whenever they can, or just on dating apps to meet new people without any expectations have found far more success in finding a partner than my friends who are on the hunt for a girlfriend/partner. I think if you’re looking for a partner for the sake of having a partner, that will end up being more pressure on the relationship than if you’re looking for new connections with people and having an open mind about it, and then one of those connections happens to end up being a good partner you can enter a relationship with.

Himani: Just here to chime in that you are absolutely not alone on this. Yes, it does feel like every queer person is coupled and in a loving happy relationship or out and dating and having a fun, hot, glorious time. But as Abeni said, what we see on social media and what we read about is really just a small part of the story. And, as I’ve written about many times in this column and others, I’ve also been a chronically single person with very little relationship experience who is often lonely a lot. So really, I do mean this from the bottom of my heart, you really are not alone at all.

I do think Valerie Anne is right about having loving platonic friendships and not putting everything on the idea of a relationship alone. But I’ll also say that I can commiserate with you, though in a different way. I have a lot of platonic loving friendships and yet, I’m also often quite lonely because I know that my friends have romantic relationships that will always take priority in their lives. I don’t say that out of resentment: it’s just truly the reality of the situation. One thing I’ve been trying to accept more and more in my life is the fact that loneliness is just a part of my life and it probably always will be. Some of this has to do with not having relationships, but a lot of it, honestly, runs deeper and goes back a lot further. And based on what you’ve shared about your feelings of loneliness and your feelings of apprehension around intimacy and connection, I think there is a lot for you to uncover within yourself.

But some of that uncovering may also involve reframing how you think of “negative” feelings like sadness, loneliness, sorrow, and anger. As a society and as a community and as people, I think we tend to stigmatize these a lot. That isn’t to say one should be depressed and do nothing about it (I say this, as a person who takes an antidepressant currently). I do think we are conditioned to place a lot of pressure on trying to make our lives as happy and fulfilling as possible in every area, instead of accepting that there will, truly, always be some good that exists alongside the bad. I think we have to learn to make our peace with that. Which, again, isn’t the same thing as being complacent or doing nothing, and what that concretely means for you is going to be your own individual journey. But, as my therapist once said to me years ago: “Think about loneliness as an old friend.”

Nicole: I am so sorry that this is so stressful to you and hard on your mind and body. First of all, I want to give you permission to just simply do things you enjoy, regardless of any pressure you may feel to do otherwise. That, and, honestly, from personal experience, “dating” has never really worked for me very well! I think that only some people really like it, and it’s okay if you don’t. I’ve given this advice before, but, like Valerie, I think that actively working to meet new people (new friends, new enemies, and maybe potential dates alike) through your own social circles or through specific activities (while not actually seeking dates but just seeking connection in general) is a much better way to run into someone you might want to date long-term — because you likely already have shared interests. Abeni’s advice about strengthening friendships above is so spot on, too. If you focus, not so much on dating, but on growing your relationships with a variety of people, you’re way more likely to meet even more people who you share a connection with.

Q3:

How do I stop being haunted by the road not taken? I doubt myself even when I know I made the right choice – and it feels like a betrayal of my current circumstances to think it. I know, knowing how things turn out, I’d make the same choices, so where does this doubt come from?

A:

Abeni: You’re the only one who knows where that self-doubt comes from. Likely culprits, though: comparison to other people (often encouraged by social media), trauma from how you were raised, pressure from community or identity politics to do “enough” or “the right thing” or live “the right way,” or any other number of factors. Digging into that (in therapy?) is probably your best bet.

What often helps me with this is deeply understanding and internalizing a truth: the past is the past and there’s nothing I can do to change it, so it’s genuinely unhelpful to dwell on it. Reflection and learning lessons from the past are cool, but only if doing so informs your future choices or if there are actions needed (apologies, etc.). Not if it’s just generalized distress about the past; that is useless and usually harmful.

I know it’s easier to say that than to internalize it, but when you read the above, how did it feel? That can tell you whether you’re ready to accept this truth. If not, you have internal work to do. If so, then that’s the first step toward internalizing it, accepting it, and then fully inhabiting it.

Himani: Like you, I also can tend towards romanticizing the road not taken, even when I know that I made the right decision and that I wouldn’t change a thing. But the truth is, there is some loss, some foreclosing of possibility with every decision we make. And I think that, to an extent, it’s ok to feel that loss or hold some of that regret, but I do also think that at some point it’s important to let it go. As Abeni said, reflection can sometimes be useful for informing future decision making, so (personally) I don’t think it’s always bad to reflect and consider the “might have beens” from alternative paths we could have gone down. But if you are going to play that dangerous game with yourself, at least make sure you’re playing it honestly and hold yourself accountable to looking at the good alongside the bad of the “alternate” path in equal measure.

For me, one thing I’ve found to be really valuable is to work on disrupting thought patterns. I know I tend towards being self-critical, especially around my own decisions, and so one of my works in progress is trying to catch myself in the act and gently note to myself that I’m tapping into a pattern of thinking or behavior that I want to stop engaging in, or at least engage in less.

Nicole: Ugh! This is the worst! Especially if you have a ton of interests. I am hear to back up what Himani said above, which is that reframing things can be really helpful. Our brains hold onto negative information more readily — for good reason! It’s how we learn not to burn ourselves on stoves, for example! — but that can inhibit our enjoyment of what we accomplish. Try to spend some time focusing on the good parts of the choices you’ve made, as much as you give yourself time to process and accept the losses inherent in every decision. Also, because I think everyone feels this (maybe to varying degrees), it might help to see if you can bring this up with any friends and hear from others in your life about how they handle their lingering feelings about the road not taken.

Q4:

I got covid in early Jan 2022, and I’m still working reduced hours and not doing anything after work. I’m lucky enough to have a supportive workplace, but when I accomplish less (which happens even if I have a really good day as it’s two hours shorter) I feel really doubtful about my ability. I was wondering how you adjust your work expectations to match a new reality – especially if it’s still likely that reality won’t be permanent (but is right now…and might be)?

A:

Valerie Anne: I think you have to start from scratch, as far as assessing yourself. Your situation isn’t the same, so stop measuring your success based on what you considered success before. Start making new goals for yourself, and start small with things you know you can accomplish. Like if you used to do 20 tasks a day, forget it, that was a different job with different expectations. Now start with 1 task and adjust up, instead of 20 tasks and adjusting down. This is a very basic/simple example and I know most work can’t be measured so quantifiably but I think the metaphor applies, especially since it seems like your job is willing to work with you to figure out what those new expectations will be. And give yourself a break! All change comes with growing pains, and it will take time to figure out what works and what doesn’t work; let yourself feel frustrated when something isn’t as easy or quick as it should be, but then take it as a learning experience for what the new expectations should be. And don’t forget to celebrate the wins while you’re at it!

Himani: Oof, I am so sorry for the situation you’re in. Adding to Valerie Anne’s great advice about resetting expectations, I think I also want to offer that I hope you’ve allowed yourself to feel your feelings of grief or loss or disappointment around your present not being what you wanted it to be. Those feelings are real and, in my own life, I found that I couldn’t move forward with resetting my hopes and expectations of myself without first confronting the real grief and sorrow I felt around the limitations of my physical body that foreclosed some of my own dreams for the future (not related to COVID, but I’m not going to digress with the details). I’ll be honest, this has been a journey of years for me, many many many years. And what I realized, finally, after over a decade of this is that buried in all the grief I was denying and what was underneath all those expectations was a certain amount of self-hatred, that I still grapple with a certain anger at the circumstances of my life that led to this outcome for me, at the people and systems and institutions involved in creating those circumstances and then, intertwined with all of that, a really deep seated self-loathing couched in the language of self-disappointment.

The thing I have eventually realized is that in setting certain expectations for myself around work, around productivity and employment, I was in some ways implicitly creating a separation between my physical body and my mind. Literally the framing I had around my expectations for myself implied that my mind wanted all these things my body couldn’t deliver on, hence the deep seated self-loathing. Some of this was about seeking out the appropriate health care (like getting surgery for my condition to at least lessen some of my symptoms and going to physical therapy to learn exercises for managing others). But some of it is unchangeable, as in your case with long COVID, where treatment is still very much a mixed bag of unknowns. And so some of this, for me, has been about being able to approach myself — my body, specifically — with a new found attention, care and kindness. I cannot do all the things my mind wants, physically, but I — my mind — have needed to work not holding that against myself, my body.

Needless to say, therapy has been a huge part of my long, ongoing journey with all of this.

Q5:

Hi amazing A team – I’ve got one for the self-doubt entry (thank you for doing these!). How have folks on the team dealt with cyclical feelings for their partner?

I’ve (bi, cis, asian lady, mid 20s) been with my partner (straight, cis, white guy, early 30s) for over 5 years now; for the last ~3 years at least, I feel like I’ve had an internal relationship cycle where: every few months 1) I question if our relationship really is fulfilling, 2) my partner and I talk things out (my partner is really supportive) 3) I decide there isn’t really a reason to leave and there’s aspects I enjoy day-to-day, and 4) but I end up spinning on this again a few months later.

My partner has told me he’d marry me if I asked, that he can’t imagine a future without me, and that I am his ideal person. I think that’s honestly true from his perspective, and I wish I felt the same. I feel restless and indecisive because I don’t know how to confirm/disconfirm what I feel – I’m not sure if I’m some flavor of ace, or if I’m with my partner out of internalized compulsory heterosexuality (my queer dating has been brief), or if I need more time to figure it out (I guess?). My partner supported opening our relationship, but I haven’t actually tried dating due to the pandemic/intense work stress pre-pandemic.

I’ve realized that if I wasn’t hurting anyone by leaving, I would probably bias towards breaking up… but I feel terrible for my partner (who’s also struggling with depression) and I don’t know if I’d feel the same with anyone. Urgh, even re-reading this fills me with self-doubt! (blurghle :( ) and I find it impossible to center myself. Thoughts?

A:

Meg: I’m going to try to say this as compassionately as possible, because I know just how hard a situation you’re in and how difficult it can be to accept this: it really sounds like you already know that you want to end this relationship. You say that you don’t feel certain about having a future with him, that you’ve had doubts for over three years, and that you’re having trouble centering yourself in this decision. But based on your letter, it seems like you know that you’re not satisfied or happy in this relationship anymore, and are afraid to break up because it will hurt him. And it also sounds like when you allow yourself to put your own needs first, you know that in spite of how on paper he might be a great fit, in reality this relationship doesn’t work for you anymore.

Breakups can be really scary, especially when you’re ending long-term relationships, and especially especially because we’re still in a pandemic. It can feel like your entire world is built around your partner, that removing that piece means that something will be missing in your life, and that it’s easier to just stay in a relationship instead of leaving something solid behind for the possibility of something else. But consider this — if you knew that your partner felt uncertain or ambivalent about you, would you want them to stay? If the roles were reversed, would you want to be with someone that didn’t feel certain about you? You deserve to be in a relationship that you really want to be in, and so does your partner. And the thing is, breakups don’t only happen because of harm or pain, or because someone is a “bad person.” Sometimes people fall out of love, or your priorities or needs change, or you realize that the dynamics of your relationship don’t make sense anymore. We all grow and transform as people throughout our lives, and as you learn more about who you are, what you want, and the kind of life you want to lead, that might mean that the partner that once felt right for you no longer does. That doesn’t make you a difficult, selfish, greedy, or terrible person — it just makes you human.

In your letter, you write that when you decenter his feelings, that you know you would end the relationship, and I think that this is your answer. Spending time thinking about your own needs, wishes, and desires is so important, and you can’t let what you believe he wants to be the only factor in your decision. If you don’t want to be in this relationship anymore, I really think that you owe it to your partner, and yourself, to say that. There are ways to do breakups compassionately and kindly, and to remain on good terms with your ex, but you don’t have to stay in a relationship with someone if you don’t want to.

Abeni: I would like to offer very different advice from Meg. I hope both perspectives are enlightening rather than confusing.

If you realize you’re absolutely sure you don’t see a future with this man, then yes, you should break up – sooner rather than later. You owe it to both of you. However, you wrote that when you decenter his feelings, you’re biased toward breaking up, not that you know you should break up. Sit with that feeling and, like Meg said, decide what’s best for you, not what’s best for him. You’re not obligated to stay in a relationship because breaking up would hurt the other person’s feelings; the only way to never hurt anyone’s feelings is to never interact with anyone. The most loving thing you can do for him is be honest with him.

That being said, I have a different opinion of relationship doubts – I think they’re normal. I think we’re taught that we should “just know” when we’ve found “the one” and it should be easy all the time and we should be head over heels obsessed with the person and we shouldn’t be able to imagine a future without them. I think if you can’t imagine a future without your partner, you don’t have a very good imagination. I think it’s unfair to expect yourself to be absolutely sure all the time.

I don’t believe in “falling in love,” I believe in choosing love. Despite your doubts, you’ve clearly been choosing to stay in the relationship all these years. Ask yourself why. You said you’re not sure if the relationship is fulfilling, but you’ve stuck with it. What does fulfillment actually mean to you? Is your definition true to yourself or is it imposed by a culture that tells us what fulfillment should look like? If you realize your doubts are just because breaking up is hard or you can’t justify it to him or to yourself, then those might be red flags. But if you think deeply and realize that you feel energized or uplifted by the partnership more than you feel burdened by it, that day-to-day lifestyle small stuff is more important than big-picture “am I choosing the correct life partner,” that actions are more important than feelings, you might want to stay.

I answer this way because I am in a similar situation to you – four years in, always doubtful about whether I should stay. Wondering for years if I’m on the ace spectrum. What I’ve realized – and you may too, or may not – is that I had a lot of unfair expectations and ideas about what my “perfect” partner would be like, and she didn’t measure up (potentially because no real human could meet all of those criteria). I realized my parents’ multiple divorces created so much pressure in me to find the “right one” to marry and to never get divorced that choosing a long-term partner felt like a test of whether I was going to be like them. I realized that because of my mental health history, I have a ton of trouble trusting my own feelings and instead resort to logic and pro/con lists and evaluating how someone looks “on paper” instead of actually appreciating how it feels to be genuinely loved by them. The point is that I dug (and am continuing to dig, in therapy) into why I feel doubt instead of focusing on the fact that I feel doubt. The facts that, for example, he is patient and kind with your doubts about the relationship, is open to discussing them, and is open to creative relationship problem solving are, seem, to me, to be more important factors in a relationship than whether I feel butterflies in my stomach when he walks into a room.

Finally, a reminder: you do not need a reason to break up. If you’re unhappy, break up. If he doesn’t meet your needs or you aren’t fulfilled (once you’ve defined what that means), break up. But since you seem to really like this man, given that you’ve kept choosing him for three years, you might want to really figure out why.

Q6:

This is for the imposter/self-sabotage advice box!

I am about to be admitted as a lawyer – this is a big deal/the culmination of a lot of years of study and training. Traditionally, this is done at a fancy ceremony in the Supreme Court and you have a lawyer (known as your mover) ask that the Court move your admission. Your mover is usually someone important in your career to date, or a close friend/family member. Because of COVID the court got rid of ceremonies and you’d just get an email saying ‘hey you’re a lawyer now’.

But the court is about to go back to ceremonies! I have one close fellow disabled lawyer friend who I asked to be my mover, but she lives in a different city and has said due to long covid she doesn’t think she’d be up to the travel. I’m obviously super devastated that I can’t have this person who is really important to me at my ceremony, but it’s super important that I don’t make her feel bad about not being able to do it and that I’m sensitive to her health constraints!

But I literally don’t have anyone else to ask. I am first generation in my family to enter the legal industry and for a whole range of reasons didn’t have a lot of legal connections. And I’m in a great job now and lots of the lawyers like/respect me but I’m not close to anyone and honestly being a disabled lawyer in a predominantly able-bodied workplace is still pretty isolating sometimes. So now I don’t know what to do. Should I just get my admission done without the ceremony? Am I depriving myself of something important by not having a ceremony? Would I regret that? Should I put aside my ego and ask someone I’m not close with?

A:

Valerie Anne: Admittedly this is out of my frame of reference, but considering how many new systems and accommodations and situations have evolved from the pandemic, is there any way your friend could be your mover virtually even if your ceremony is in person? Could you set up a tablet or computer and have her zoom in? (If that’s something she would be amenable to, of course.) I will say that I was the first person in my family to get a bachelor’s degree, and I went to my graduations for that, and also was the first person in my family to get a master’s degree, and did not go to any ceremonies for that…I can’t say that the ceremonies were particularly meaningful to me, and I don’t regret skipping my grad school ceremony. The degrees themselves are meaningful to me, and they represent how much work I put in, and the opportunities I was given that my parents weren’t, and all that good stuff, but to me the ceremony is just that. THAT SAID, I didn’t get degrees in anything nearly as challenging/cool/important as law school so I understand the conflicting feelings; I think that if you really want the ceremony though, and for some reason the virtual mover is not an option, you should ask someone else just so you can have it. But if what you really want is to celebrate this accomplishment with this particular friend, consider instead having your own DIY virtual ceremony, or in her city, or something on terms you both feel comfortable with. Or do both! This is YOUR time to shine, and you get to decide what would make you feel best.

Q7:

TLDR how do you find the motivation to not get in your own way when you have none?

Longer version is I’m being offered a promotion and I’ve worked through the self doubt enough to know this is the right choice. I also know that the best way to shut up that little voice in my head chanting about being a fraud on the path to failure is to just get shit done. But I have maybe two hours of focused, motivated work time a day, often less. Sometimes all the self discipline I can muster is to plan my weekly to do list. Then I spend the week feeling guilty for not doing it. I end most days feeling bad about myself, that I’ve let myself down, been lazy and a slacker, not really tried. I genuinely like my job, I want to succeed. But all of that seems to be buried under a fog (like depression, but if depression could be shut off along with my work computer). I’m getting nothing but positive feedback at work, but I know I would be mentally and emotionally healthier if I could just get out of my own fucking way and do my damn job the way I expect myself to do it. I’ve never had to deal with this before except during deep depressions (and that’s a whole other issue) and no tricks that used to be reliable are working. Timers, breaks, breaking tasks into smaller ones, locking my phone away, going into the office, working from home – nothing. It’s like my former motivated industrious self is just gone and I don’t know how to get back there.

A:

Meg: So what I’m really struck by in your letter is how hard you’re being on yourself. It sounds like you’re having a really difficult time getting through your days, focusing on your work, and finding joy in completing tasks — which is all really real, and really painful! I first want to beg you to show yourself a bit of compassion, as it sounds like you’re holding yourself to a very high standard that is activating a lot of self-doubt, anxiety, and frustration.

You mention that you’re getting nothing but positive feedback at your work, and you’re also being offered a promotion! That doesn’t sound to me like someone that is falling behind, messing anything up, or failing in any way. But what it does sound like is that your old systems of staying on task, getting work done, or organizing your time aren’t really working anymore, and that the new ones that you’ve tested out aren’t really helping. Instead of trying to push yourself to follow strict rules, I would like to gently suggest that you consider a working structure that suits your natural ebbs and flows of energy, inspiration, and focus, rather than pushing yourself to conform to a structure that doesn’t sound particularly necessary. When you have those bursts of focus, use them to complete your most important or time-sensitive tasks. And when you’re having trouble paying attention, think about where and why your focus is drifting. Are you hungry, restless, distracted, feeling a desire to move to a different task? How can you let your needs take up space instead of trying to ignore them?

We’re still in a pandemic, war is happening, and there is a lot of scary shit to deal with. I don’t know a single person right now that isn’t having trouble focusing. Why do you expect yourself to be productive on a level that simply isn’t possible right now? And if you aren’t actually dropping any balls or missing any deadlines, what about your current workflow do you think needs to change? If the weekly to-do list only serves to make you feel bad, then stop making it. If timers and planned breaks aren’t helping, don’t force yourself to use those tools. If you only have a few hours of focus each day, use them wisely and strategically, and accept that this is what you have to offer right now. It sounds to me like you’re still doing a very good job, and that the people you work with recognize (and are rewarding) that effort, so I would love for you to show yourself some grace and kindness. You’re doing the best you can. (Also, definitely read Valerie Anne’s answer to Q4 above, because everything she so brilliantly offers could also be useful for you!)

Valerie Anne: I used to struggle with this a lot, and honestly sometimes still do, but here’s the thing: most people don’t do head-down, completely focused work for 40 hours a week in their full time job. They just don’t. I’m sure there are some professions that require it (and then some) but most jobs don’t require time input, they require task completion. I used to get really down on myself when someone would give me a week to finish a task I knew would only take me an hour, but for whatever reason I couldn’t bring myself to do it until the day it was due; what did I waste all that time for/it would have been better to submit it early/etc. But the thing is, as long as work is getting done on time, who cares how or when? If you’re getting positive feedback and promotions, I bet you’re getting things done on time, even if you’re not working on them as much or as often as you think you “should” be. (But also that ‘should’ is a lie we tell ourselves!) Trust the feedback you’re getting, and like Meg said, keep trying to find new ways to work. I recently went through a long bout of what Twitter informed me was probably dissociation, and it meant I felt completely detached from reality and trying to do my job felt a little like trying to run underwater. But every once in a while the fog would clear and that’s when I’d do exactly what Meg said and just buckle down on the urgent things, take advantage of the energy when I had it. I also had to find a new way to track my tasks because what had once worked for me like magic was suddenly useless. So I had to adjust, reassess, try, try again. I used to love a weekly to-do list, now I make a daily one instead. I used to have to use a pen and paper solution for said list, now I use Asana. I also personally find it helpful to have an accountability buddy! I have a coworker who I lean on if I’m having a hard time finishing a task, I tell her to give me an arbitrary deadline and then she follows up on it if I haven’t told her I finished it by the time/day I finish it, because I am externally motivated way more than I am internally motivated. I think the biggest thing here is to give yourself a break. Everything is hard right now and the fact that you even care enough about your job that you’re writing in for advice on how to do better at it when you’re already getting a promotion shows how much you care, so if you’re patient with yourself, you’ll find a new way to work that works.

Himani: You kind of allude to this in your question and then brush it to the side, but I do wonder how much of your struggle with staying focused and getting work done is tied to depression? I say this because I only recently realized how much my previous job was contributing to my feelings of depression and how that depression was fostering procrastination and lack of motivation in many of the ways you describe. One key difference though is that you say, “I genuinely like my job” whereas I really did not like my job, so perhaps I’m completely out on left field here. But as Meg also talks about in her response, there is a lot going on in the world right now — there has been for literal years now — and certainly a lot of people are struggling with their mental health because of it; work is kind of just the icing on the cake in my view, at least. If you haven’t already and if you have the means, it might be helpful to talk about some of this with a therapist to try to parse out what might be going on. That said, I want to acknowledge that I’m totally projecting my situation onto yours, so feel free to ignore what I’ve said if you feel it’s completely off base or inapplicable to your situation.

I also think what Valerie Anne and Meg have both said about the expectations we set for ourselves is completely on point and seriously worth considering. Truly, no one works a full, precise 40 hours (or, really, anything close to it). And I’d even go so far as to say, even if work isn’t exactly getting done on schedule, as long as you communicate openly, honestly and ahead of time about it, you’re really fine. (Doubly true since you’re getting positive feedback and the promotion.)

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