Happy birthday to us, and thank you to all of you! This weekend was Autostraddle’s 11th birthday, and there’s absolutely no way we could have made it this far without your support — we’ve been able to survive as a queer indie media outlet because our community has had our backs, and shown us in a dozen ways every day that they value and invest in the work that we do. We’ll never be able to thank you enough, but this Ask Us Anything / Advice-a-Thon is our way of trying! We’ll be here all day with dozens of team members dedicating their days to answering questions from you, and we’ve recruited some of your favorite past Autostraddle writers, internet personalities and celesbians and celebisexuals to do the same! Today we’re blessed with the presences of advice writer, therapist and sex educator Christina Tesoro; creator of #DisabledAndCute and bisexual icon Keah Brown; writer, comedian, and America’s next top bottom Chingy Nea; actor, writer and heartthrob Brittani Nichols; writer, consultant and babe Carrie Wade; career consultant extraordinaire Tiara DeGuzman; author, podcast host of Bad with Money and professional bisexual Gaby Dunn, and celebrated author of Mostly Dead ThingsKristen Arnett.
Here’s how it works:
You comment below with your questions, your advice needs, your quandaries.
We reply to your comment with our answers, our advice, our solutions.
Life advice, personal questions about us, pop quizzes, professional questions about this work, settling a bet, etc. ANYTHING GOES, FRIENDS. If you want a particular person to answer your particular Q, simply type their names at the beginning of your comment. We’ll be command + f-ing our own names so we don’t miss any of these direct questions, so please make sure you’re spelling it correctly! I find using the @[screen name] approach to be useless, as most of us have strange screen names that don’t match our actual names, and probably you don’t know them, but! If you do know them and want to use that, BE MY GUEST.
In the words of Laneia previously on this selfsame day: Let’s get going! Who’s asking the first question?? What about the third one? Who’ll ask the seventeenth? Who will be brave and bold enough to ask question number 52?!
WE LOVE YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
Update: So far we’ve been able to see 80 new A+ signups over the course of this drive! Thank you so much, and WELCOME, new members! 🥰😍☺️
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Hello! I have been struggling with some gender feels for quite some time now! And I only recently started talking about it but it is really hard to do so when I don’t have very much clarity about everything. What I do know is that I do not think I have static gender and things are always changing so I guess genderfluid is about as close as I can get to a label that fits right now? But all the reading I have done on that really roots a lot in presentation, and I… don’t really want to change presentation much? Like days when I am for sure a woman I want to wear button ups and jeans and on days when I am definitely not a woman I still want to wear button ups and jeans! So from the outside I probably don’t look different to anyone, but there is, in fact difference somehow? Anyway I don’t know if this is even really a question but do you have any advice on how to experiment and talk about things without having any distinct clarity to be able to “come out properly”?
Okay so Xandra Ibarra is this lesbian Mexican performance artist who performed as “La Chica Boom” for like 10 years and then kept trying to be like “haha okay i’m done with that!” but found that people kept seeing her as La Chica Boom even though she was like “lol that’s a character/she’s gone now/I’m me, please see me and all the changes that have gone on in the past 10 years!” and the public was just like “we don’t know how to do that?!” and then she did this piece called Spic Ecdysis which was about how cockroaches shed their skin, and become new, but on the outside they look the same to everyone else.
Do you get what I’m saying?! The people may not ever understand how you change; to some folks you will always be what they think you are, and nothing you do presentation wise will change that. But if experimenting with change, or letting go of a presentation that didn’t serve you well feels good to you, guess what, that’s what matters! Change will not always be visible to outsiders, but I think the thing is, experiment all you want! You’ve come out properly when you’ve come out to yourself, and even if you’re the only person who notices the difference (hopefully some folks who love you also notice) then you’re gravy baby
Hey, Lo! This is such a great question and first of all, I want to say that it’s amazing that you are practicing the kind of courage it takes to sit with gender feels when they come up and reflect on what they mean to you. What I read in your question is some tension between dominant cultural conceptions of what it means to be genderfluid, and what it feels like personally for you, and also how to translate how YOU feel to others without making a big thing of it.
The tension between how you feel you SHOULD present and what your embodied experience actually is, is totally normal, though it can be a confusing and uncomfortable thing to experience. Many of my client who work with me in therapy describe similar experiences, especially at the beginning in those moments of “Hey…I might not be as cis as I thought I was.” In moments of transition or transformation, we really need to be seen and feel understood by the people in our lives. Unfortunately, since we are all exposed to messages of what it means to be “real” or enough of anything, we often find ourselves considering making changes (for example, pressure you feel now to change your appearance in some way) that may not align with how we FEEL most ourselves (like wearing button downs and jeans, for example), in order to signal to folks that we are who we really say we are.
There’s no one way to be genderfluid, though. I want to note, too, that more well-known ideas of what it means to be genderfluid also center whiteness, thinness, being able-bodied, and being androgynous in a way that involves all of these axis of privilege and oppression. If those aren’t your identities or experiences, it can be very hard to find yourself represented within what it means to be genderfluid. That’s not your fault. (There ARE cool non-white, non-thin genderfluid or non-binary educators, writers, and artists online, though, doing the very important work of showing that there is no one way to be genderfluid!) Here is just one example: https://everydayfeminism.com/2016/05/still-non-binary/
I’m also reminded of something that @gabalexa says a lot on IG, about being bisexual, that I think also applies here: Being bisexual is about your experience of attraction, a private and often invisible thing, not who you are physically putting your body on at any given time. A person can identify as bisexual without ever having partners of multiple genders, because what matters is how they FEEL. I think similar logic applies here: You are genderfluid because you feel genderfluid, and if you never do anything different with how you present, that doesn’t change the fact that you’re genderfluid. You don’t have to prove anything, to anyone, ever.
In terms of coming out — how do you want to come out? Do you even want to come out at all? Is it important to come out to everyone in your life, with friends, family, and work associates, or do you want to be more selective? Is it something you want or need to have a whole conversation about it with others? Coming out can be as simple as changing the pronouns in your email signature, and gently reminding people in person what your new pronouns are (if pronouns are a thing you do want to change). Coming out can also look like sitting down and having conversations with the people in your life who matter to you, and if you want, you can even hold space for their questions — who knows, maybe it will actually feel good to have a conversation about gender in such an intentional way with trusted friends.
I think a lot of queer folks feel pressure to come out in every aspect of our lives. Because we live such marginalized experiences, the pressure to this I think is two-fold: one, we want to be authentically seen and known by the people important to us, which is such a vulnerable human desire. But I think another aspect to this pressure is the pressure to be some sort of ambassador or educator about our experiences and identities, and I want to acknowledge the inherent emotional labor in that. You get to decide if you want to take that on. If the gender feels are new, it’s okay to wait, to see how things change for you organically over time, and to practice patience in uncovering for yourself exactly what they mean to you and how you want to communicate that to the people in your life. People may have questions or take some time adjusting to this new understanding of you, but if they love you, they’ll be honored that you chose to include them in this aspect of your life — and do some self-educating themselves so they can support you in the best way possible.
What matters most, though, is something I think you already know: That how you feel, what makes you comfortable, is more important than how you look or present, and how you feel is *yours* regardless of how others perceive you. Hold onto that!
Hey, Lo!
You identified that you’re having some gender-y feels and you’ve started talking about it — that’s so exciting! I’m stoked for you!
I’ve been on my own “gender journey” for over a decade. I think there’s a lot of pressure in the current queer community to choose a Very Specific Gender Label and stick with it. I’ve tried many gender labels, and after a while, they’ve all felt limiting. If “gender fluid” works for you right now, that’s great! You can always switch to another gender label that feels more comfortable down the line, or you don’t have to use any gender labels at all.
If you don’t want to change your presentation, you don’t have to! You can experiment with your gender expression in how you interact with others, how you move how you, how you have sex or how you think about yourself. Kate Bornstein’s My Gender Workbook includes some fun ideas.
Do you want to “come out” as a speific gender identity, or do you just feel like you have to? If there are things you need from the people around to feel seen and respected (like using different pronouns, using or avoiding gendered language, etc.), you can ask for those things without ever claiming a specific gender identity.
Enjoy experimenting!
<3 Malic
Thanks to you all! Very much appreciate you taking the time to help me muddle through.
Happy Birthday Autostraddle! Here we go…
I’m going to my first lesbian wedding in May and I’m super excited. My only concern is that i met the brides through my ex, to whom I haven’t spoken in months. I am committed to going to the wedding no matter what, but i dread running into my ex there. I’m not willing to ask my ex if they’re going, but I’m not sure if it’s appropriate to ask the bride. Should I ask? Or should I just mentally prepare to see my ex without bothering anyone?
Hi Chloe! Keah here! I think the answer depends on how your ex being there will impact you? Will seeing your ex really upset you? If not, I wouldn’t ask and I’d just go expecting to see them. When you go remember that this is someone else’s big day! You can focus on them and only speak to your ex if you have to. I personally love a passing hey how are you? And quickly moving on if I have to. BUT if your ex being there will impact your wellbeing ask to help yourself decide if you want to go. If it’s not that serious, don’t ask and just go knowing you might see them. Good luck :)
I totally agree with Keah! Depending on how close you are with the bride, I also don’t think there’s anything wrong with checking in and asking if your ex was invited. If you learn they were invited, and you feel comfortable enough to do so, you can reach out to your ex to give them a heads up that you’ll be there. In situations where there are nerves, sometimes information gathering and setting expectations is a great way to manage your experience. Good luck!
Chloe! This is literally my nightmare–I am currently in a “if i see [redacted] in public i immediately turn leave” situation. You are so brave! I looked in my Emily Post 19th edition etiquette book bc honestly, sis is almost always right. Asking the brides about who is in attendance is usually not great form, but if you know someone in the bridal party who will know details but isn’t also in the thick of everything required to plan a wedding, that can be your in! Do you know a brides-person you can ask? If not, maybe think about making yourself helpful–can you make the nametags for the reception or address thank you card envelopes for gifts? These are sneakier ways to find out who might be showing up, but also incredibly helpful to your busy bride pals
Hello lovely straddlers! Happy 11th!
I’m looking for some help about my Tumblr girlfriend relationship! We met almost 2 years ago over Leah on the Offbeat (thanks Becky Abertalli!) and we’ve been talking ever since. I live in California and she lives in Hong Kong, so it’s very long-distance.
We haven’t exactly defined our relationship (whoops), but we’re definitely on the same page about being more than friends. She’s just the best person: she’s sweet, funny, cute and I could talk to her for hours. She’s a genderqueer lesbian who really respects my bisexuality and my insecurities in general. We have so many shared interests.
However…she’s been MIA a lot recently. She quit her job due to boss issues and has been really depressed. She ended up ghosting me for 3 months, came back to apologize and continue our previous text conversation happily, and then ghosted next again for another 3 months. She says she loves me and I love her too. But I don’t think she’s in the right emotional/mental space for a relationship. And that’s ok. As someone who also struggles with mental illness, I understand and I just want her to be happy.
But every time she comes back and flirts and says she loves me, I can’t help but hope that we can one day have something solid. How do you get over someone who seems perfect, but the timing just isn’t right? How do you decide when you should wait for someone or when you should get some closure on the relationship? It’s just been so hard to find any other queer people that I connect with as much as her. We really understand each other and I want to make this work. But it hurts to sit there waiting for her to respond to me.
Hi Cate! I was scrolling through the comments and it looks like you accidentally posted this as a reply to someone else’s question. I think it’s been buried and none of the Autostraddle staff has noticed so you probably want to re-post it as a regular comment and not a reply. I hope they have a good answer for you! I don’t know if it helps (and I am far from an expert!), but these are my thoughts: This sounds like a really harmful and unhealthy relationship. It’s not okay for her to ignore you for months, only to turn around and flirt and tell you she loves you and expect you to forgive her. You deserve better than that- and I think you know it. The tone of your post sounds like you know this isn’t good for you, and you need to move on, but you just don’t know how. I went through a bad break up a few months ago, and moving on was really hard. I found that the cliche of “give it time” really did work. I broke off all contact with my ex, spent time with friends, my cat and my job, and the time and distance helped a lot. Perhaps this approach will work for you too. Overall, no matter what you decide, I hope you will trust your instincts and take care of yourself.
The first thing I thought was that it depends on your relationship with the bride. Keeping in mind that this is probably a pretty stressful (though exciting!) time for her, if your close enough that you feel comfortable asking her if your ex is going to be there, why not! Maybe frame it like — “I am super excited to celebrate your wedding with you, and I’m going to be there no matter what, but for my own peace of mind, I did want to ask you whether or not Ex is going to be there.” Make it clear that knowing would just help you prepare mentally for running into them — if the circumstances of the break up weren’t great, and the bride is someone who saw you through that, she’ll understand where you’re coming from.
If, on the other hand, you don’t have the type of relationship where asking that of her in this moment feels okay to you, I would go the route of planning to see them and figuring out what would work for you in that situation. Are you going with friends who know your history with Ex and who could check in with you, keep you supported, and create a buffer between you and your ex? What would you need to show up, have a great time, support your friend whose getting married, AND also be most comfortable in the space? How do you want to handle drinking, if you drink? Imagine seeing your ex there and pay attention to some of the signals your body sends you when you imagine that — do your palms get sweaty, does your heart start to pound? Then try to sooth yourself in that moment. Dread is a strong feeling, and we feel it viscerally, which can make it difficult to keep it together in the moment. Ask yourself now what you would need if they were there, try to find at least one person to check in with, and when you get there, take a look around the space and see if there are any spots you could go to for a moment of privacy if you ever end up feeling overwhelmed.
I live for weddings! Especially lesbian weddings! So I wouldn’t want to miss out because your ex would be there. Don’t reach out to the brides to ask though because they have so much other shit to think about right now, instead I would mentally prepare yourself to the fact that she might be there.
However if she is, you don’t have to engage at all, that’s not your duty to do that labor. I don’t know if you can bring a plus one but if you can bring a homie instead of a love Interest so you can just have fun and if you can’t bring a plus one then start a group chat of a small group of pplz that care for you that you can text throughout the day when you need to check in. Have a blast at this wedding though!
Free food lots of dancing and the opportunity to kill it with selfies and stories for the gram!
I know I’m late to the party, but I wanted to throw this suggestion in … if the wedding has RSVPs through a website, you’ll be able to tell if your ex was invited. On the Knot it works like this… search their name and see if it pops up. Click on their name and you can see if they have responded and if they have accepted or declined. Just make sure to cancel after.
Fun coronavirus update: wedding cancelled :(
If Autostraddle had a physical office, where all or most of the staff worked together, what city/place would you want to headquarter and why? What would this office be like? Set the scene! 😍
Hi there! I’ve only written for the site once but I think somewhere warm for sure!
I would want there to be a theater-style viewing room for the TV team to hold screenings of important episodes of television! And couches to write on. So many couches.
Valerie, that sounds ideal.
I want huge office chairs that I can sit cross-legged in, for the conference room, and also SO MANY THROW PILLOWS IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM!!
I’d love for each of us to have an office with a door that closes when we need it, because open office plans give me anxiety.
I’d love for us to have office plants!! That we all take turns taking care of!
And ok, you know how most print magazines have a “fashion closet”?? Well of course I also want us to have a fashion closet!! But!! BUT!! Much like Valerie, I want us to have a gay screening room with movie theatre still seats and a projection wall, and I want that room to be attached to a digital/video library with a cataloged collection of every lesbian/bisexual/queer/ or trans person whose ever kissed a girl ever on television.
And I want us to have donuts every Monday, a required daily break for “afternoon snacks” in the office kitchenette, and cupcakes or dessert of your choice (along with a bottle of cheeeeaap champagne) on Fridays.
Thanks for asking! I sincerely loved dreaming this fantasy life!
I would move to literally any city to be in your fantasy office, Carmen. Wow.
Same!
Can you imagine sending a slack like “ugh I’m having a day, I’m going to the screening room to watch the Rumour Has It/Someone Like You mashup on a loop for 10 min if anyone wants to join me.”
my god, the actual dream. i want this in my life now.
Complete Fantasy because people have allergies and because it would be a literal zoo, but I would love for everybody’s pets to also come to work in this imaginary office!
It could be anywhere as long as it’s full of Emotional Support/ Writing Support dogs.
I’M MOVING US TO UTRECHT IN THE NETHERLANDS! It’s my absolute favorite city in the world!
Our office would have tons of windows that face the canals giving us a massive amount of light and we can see the city moving sweetly and chilled while we work on content for y’all.
The building is covered in vines on the outside, we only have one floor with an open desk plan but two side offices and a bomb ass kitchen. It’s all minimal and pastel with plants galore and fresh flowers constantly from the plant shop across the street.
We have couches to chill on, minimal versions of our favorite queer shows and films picked by drew on the walls, playlists made by al constantly playing, for some reason Riese is on roller skates and evolve who has a dog brings them to the office because — duh.
Kamala and reniece make us stay late on Thursdays to cook a family meal and have a weekly meeting from our fridge that’s like hidden in the wall but covered with our favorite comments from our social that Christina and Sarah has made into magnets.
It’s always 70 degrees inside, there is always time for tarot and astrology and you don’t have to wear shoes but you at least have to have on fluffy socks because I know we are family and anything but —come on.
I think in Los Angeles or New York bc that’s where a lot of things happen that we Are involved in
PLANTS
We would have SO Much good coffee
Healthy snacks for our bodies
A research Library (I’ve been collecting queer books And magazines for this purpose for 10+ year) and screening room
All the chairs would be comfy for ppl with chronic pain (me)
A little gym area
If this is a fantasy listen I would love a rooftop pool
Nice area in the middle with big couches for group meets
Lots of whiteboards
Good color scheme and general aesthetics (Sarah could design)
I want a standing walking desk like Jacqueline
Little dog park
Paid interns
This is fun I’ve literally never thought about it before!!!!
very much here for paid interns and the dog park
Definitely somewhere with no winter and a robust queer scene
This was so fun to read!! Thanks for playing 🥰
Seeking advice on queer weddings! How do I make it fun and less traditional without making it toooo obnoxiously rainbow and out-there for my slightly more traditional (but still wonderful) fiance.
Tips for surviving the wedding planning process also welcome.
Thank you all <3
Not to be like “yeah I read emily post for fun” but i read emily post for fun and a suggestion I’ve gotten from reading/listening to their podcast is if you have the resources, this is where you can get fun with the ceremony v reception v rehearsal dinner etc. If you’ve got a traditional fiance, maybe having a traditional ceremony is the route to go, but you have a themed reception. Another good rule of thumb is that post cake-cutting, the reception turns into a party, so maybe plan for an early cake cutting if you want more fancy-free time.
I’ve never planned a wedding, but I did plan a thesis which took about 9 months and my passion planner saved my life, highly suggest. Plus the creator’s a gay
congrats on the wedding! my best advice for planning a wedding is to decide what you really care about, and refuse to stress about the rest. for example i realized that i really didn’t care about flowers, so i just went to a local florist, asked them what would be affordable and in season, and took their recommendations – it was easy, cheap, and the florist fucking loved me. but food was super important to me, so we had our reception at our favorite local pub with an eclectic menu that made us a custom cocktail list. in the same way, we didn’t care about having a cake or dancing, so we just… didn’t. instead our reception was just a great dinner and chill hangout in a pub with our closest friends and family – i didn’t even make a seating chart!
focusing on what really matters to you both will help you prioritize and appropriately allocate money and energy, and will also make it feel a lot more like you. (plus it will help you not get too obsessive about things that you realize you don’t even care about.) good luck!
Hard agree on doing the things that matter to you and ignoring the rest!! Maybe start with asking your affianced what is most important for it to Feel Like A Wedding and go from there? There are so many types of traditions so let yourselves have fun with it. At my wedding we had communion during the service and ALSO Alaina sang a Brandi Carlile song. It was perfect!!!
Happy 11th Birthday !!
So I’m a moderately femme-presenting lesbian in her early twenties. I feel secure in my identity and I intentionally schedule space to feel connected to the queer community.
However, my academic/professional trajectory is my number one priority, and my chosen field doesn’t explicitly overlap with the queer community. Think business professional on weekdays (and sometimes weekends 😢).
In terms of aesthetic desire and chemistry of the soul, I find myself drawn to women who have a similar dealio as me… but I mostly find ladies in this group who are at the beginning of their self-acceptance/self-love journey. Perhaps because they’ve been prioritizing their work so much?
Is there something that I’m missing, or is this a “That’s life for ya 😕” situation?
P.S. No tea, no shade! I love ostentatious queerness, at times, as well!
Hi Midwest! When I was in my early 20’s I was struggling with my self love journey and diving deep into my writing. At 28, I feel ready to dive into love. Maybe they are in that same place? You’re young, I don’t think there’s anything you’re missing. I do think that it is at least life right now for ya!
Remember, not everyone is where you are in their journey but you’ll find the person who is.
It doesn’t sound to me like you’re missing anything!! But I know that feeling of “wow I don’t seem to be into whatever X GROUP OF COOL QUEERS ON THE INTERNET are about, so I’m feeling a little nervous/left out.”
When I was in my early 20s, I was definitely not secure in my queerness (so it sounds like you’re already doing better in that regard) and very much all about my work, which didn’t leave a lot of time for queer socializing. I’m also a femme who has a lot of straight-passing privilege, so that further complicated things for me and how I saw my queerness/relationship to it, I think.
I’m telling you this story because now I’m firmly in my early 30s and I work full time for the gayest site on the internet and you never know where life is going to take you!! If you’re feeling lonely, there are online spaces (like this one! Also twitter, insta, etc) that can help you find community in the time you have away from your career. But it’s also ok to just.. do you! And be on the journey you are on!. We love you, even without knowing you, and are rooting for you along the way!
It doesn’t sound like you’re missing anything, it seems like you’re kicking ass professionally as well as living a happy, out life!
I came out early in life and by my early twenties I had ten years of time to adjust to my sexuality, so I felt a little far ahead of people in my community that had just realized they were gay. I always call myself a veteran gay for that and it comes with its pros and cons. The cool thing about it is there are probably people looking up to you who think you’re super rad
I don’t know if you have a community of older friends you could spend time with but that might help with the feeling of missing something. Or being slightly ahead of the curve. There’s nothing wrong with seeking people who are in the same life space as you, it makes total sense to want that for yourself
Happy Birthday!!!! Hope you all have a slice of your favorite cake!
Maybe it was just the worst mercury retrograde I’ve ever experienced and things will right themselves naturally now that its over, but I have had a rough month-ish. My first relationship ever ended the day after valentines day, I didn’t see it coming at all, cause I thought we communicated well and were on the same page. I’ve finally accepted that this was the best thing for us cause what we want in relationships is different. But I’m still hurt about how it happened (I made them macarons and french toast out of love and they were ready to dump me, I feel very used). We are going to attempt to be friends, so far communication has been minimal and a bit rocky, we may finally meet up this week to talk. I want to be friends cause we were for much longer than we were dating, but I’m nervous even with my new boundary of not baking/cooking for them (I’ve never NOT baked for someone in my life!!) that I’ll keep resenting them for how they hurt me. What are some things I can do for myself, to focus on what I need and want, and rebuild my confidence? I feel like if I feel better about me, I’ll have better boundaries and communication with them.
Also how do I know when I’m ready to try to date again??? I’ve had some friends help me draft an ad for the Lex app, but idk if I would be ready to actually go on a hypothetical date yet??
Hi Jay! First off- I am so sorry about the break up. That’s really tough, especially if there are no signs leading to a break up. Break ups take up a lot of emotional and mental energy so I find it’s helpful to pour that energy into something else. There should be a mixture of reflection, grieving, and filling up space with things you love and joy.
Reflection: Every time I have gone through a break up, for instance, I have set aside a few days to reflect on the relationship (What went wrong? What did I like about that relationship and what did I struggle with? What do I hope for my future when it comes to dating?). Journaling and processing with trusted friends can be a great way to do this.
Grieving: This is all about letting yourself feel what you’re feeling. Rip up old pictures, sing “I don’t fuck with you” loud as hell in the shower, invest in a weighted blanket or other things that can give you comfort. Allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling. It will be a tough process, but it won’t last forever. Write a letter to them with all your feelings and then read it out loud and burn it.
Fill up space with things you love and enjoy: Create a vision board. Reprioritize your goals. Take walks outside. Continue to bake and cook since it brings you joy (I’m sure you can find some friends and family to share this talent with). Fill up the space you once held for them with people and things you love.
In terms of dating, that depends on you! I have had break ups where I have taken a few months to process and grieve and then I’ve gotten back out there. I also had a break up where I just knew it wasn’t right for me so I started dating after a month. You will know when you’re ready! Give yourself time and rely on your support system. They know you best and will be there for you throughout the process. I wish you so much luck!
Hi Jay! Maybe it’s still too soon for you to be meeting up to talk and be friends. You don’t want to go into the situation already resenting them for how they hurt you and resenting them for being a person that you can no longer bake for. Maybe you should take a little bit more time before you meet up and understand of course things are going to be very minimal in terms of communication right now while both of you adjust to the change in your relationship.
As the queen of doing things that make me feel good! It’s OK to start small by watching your favorite movie or start saying things that make you feel good about you. I love a good mantra. I often say: I am who I am and that is good enough.
Self-care is not all warm baths, good books, and good movies but they help me. Just Taking the time to prioritize yourself and not feel the need to do things for others just so that they stay in your life. Give yourself time to mourn to change in your relationship without feeling the immediate need to patch things over with a friendship. Valentine’s Day really wasn’t that long ago it’s OK to give yourself more time.
As far as getting back out there, don’t rush into it you’ll know when you know.
+ 1 on journaling!! And crying!!! Those are my two most treasured break up activities.
I’m really terrible at knowing when to “get back out there” because I am SO risk-averse, but I usually find that the… third?? fourth?? .. time I find a someone new cute, I’m ready to at least fire up an app.
Sending you so much love during this hard time!! Breakups suck! But we’re here for you!
(Also I assume you saw “I Think We’re Alone Now” week on Autostraddle b/c it JUST HAPPENED, but just in case: https://develop.autostraddle.com/tag/i-think-were-alone-now/ ❤️
Break ups are so hard, and they’re even harder when they seem to come out of the blue. I definitely agree about taking your time to reflect and ask yourself questions about what worked and what felt challenging in the relationship, maybe especially around things like communication patterns/styles, since it seems there was some disconnect there. And it sounds like you feel a bit betrayed, too — maybe feeling that since you ultimately weren’t on the same page, that your ex wasn’t being fully honest with you while you were together. We can feel embarrassed or ashamed when we feel like we’ve cared for people in a very vulnerable way and they didn’t reciprocate, so be gentle with yourself around that. Ask yourself what the meaning your creating around feeding them baked goods while they were thinking of breaking up with you. For example, at times when I’ve found myself in a similar position, I noticed that one of my automatic stories is something like, “God, what a fool, you care too much, how embarrassing, you liked this person more than they liked you.” Once I became aware of that, I was able to consciously choose to shift the narrative and ask myself why. Why is it embarrassing that I cared as much as I did? So what if I put a lot of effort into the relationship — why did that have to come attached to shame? What if instead it meant that I’m a caring person, with a big heart, who loves openly and transparently? What shift in feeling did THAT narrative have? (Shame makes us feel so small and closed off — what shift in meaning makes you feel open, calmer?)
It’s normal to feel some resentment over how they hurt you and how the relationship ended. I commend you for wanting to stay friends and for reevaluating your own sense of boundaries in relationships. Just remember — there’s no rush. The break up wasn’t very long ago, and sometimes the best thing you can do for a friendship is give it space to breathe. This friendship is important to you, so don’t be afraid to give it what it needs, even if that means taking time and space to feel your feelings fully.
In terms of rebuilding your confidence, what are some ways your confidence has been shaken by this relationship in particular? Your answer to that might give you some insight into things you can do to start feeling better. One of the things I like eventually to do after a relationship end is visit the places I went with an ex on dates, and bring a really good friend (if I’m feeling vulnerable) and reclaim that place, or even go alone (a different kind of vulnerability, but also if I’m feeling strong) and just take up as much space as possible there. It helps remind me that it is possible to create new memories, both with loved ones, and with myself, even in place that might otherwise be attached to hurt, sadness, longing. It also helps me get to a place of being able to hold both the sadness/regret at the end of the relationship, and the peace and joy of being fully myself, by myself, in the present moment. When it starts to feel natural to be able to hold both of those experiences at the same time, that’s right around when I start feeling ready to go out on dates again.
Just wanted to say that while I was not the question answer, I also really needed this wise and kind advice– thank you for it!
Dear one! It sounds like maybe you need space. It is possible to be friends in the future with someone while not being friends with them immediately! With a break up less than a month ago, I’d personally recommend asking for a few weeks of no contact, no meeting up, and definitely no baking. Invest in yourself and in your other friendships! It might sound counterintuitive but taking space to truly separate and rediscover your sense of self outside of the context of this person drastically increases the chances of a healthy friendship in the future. Otherwise the understandable resentment and pain you feel right now will become baked into the friendship. If you don’t feel like you can go cold turkey, take as much space as you can. But it’s not a sign that your friendship was doomed or that your relationship was meaningless if you’re not able to be around them right now without it hurting.
I love you and you got this!!!!
This is ALL very great advice, thank you everybody!
Been spending as much time as I can reflecting and making room for things I love and have thankfully been very supported by my friends, more than I had expected.
Definitely read the I Think We Are Alone Now mini theme, soooo timely and perfect!
Those are some great questions on the meaning and story I’m telling myself around all this, thank you! I’m gonna come back to those on my journaling night!
Thanks Adrian, its definitely hard for me to not fall into the “did it mean anything at all” spiral sometimes, because I think it meant more to me than my ex, but I dont know and probably won’t know if that’s true or not. So reminders that it maybe is more complex than that simple narrative is helpful. Definitely think I need more time than I expected to.
Hi! Happy Birthday Autostraddle 😊
Question one from me today: any advice for what greenery would work well in the spot in my house that gets so much sun it fries plants? And for the spot that get absolutely no sun?
Hi!! For a window that is hot and super bright, a desert plant like a cactus would be really happy.
And ZZ plants are great for low light. But all plants need some sun! If you mean actually none at all perhaps try a grow light too?
If you let me know where you’re located I can probably give you more ideas.
Thanks for your reply – I’m in Ontario, Canada on the fourth floor of my new south facing condo. My last place had way less full-day sun so my plants and I are struggling to adjust :)
Hoyas love light if you can set them back from the window a few feet they’d thrive there. Also a few feet away consider string of hearts or string of pearls.
Plants will take a bit to adjust to new environments! They may turn yellow or burn, drop leaves, etc. Give them time they will likely adjust and send out new growth if the environment is okay for them.
Good luck :)
I just moved to Vegas so I’m having to adjust a lot of my houseplant expectations now that I’m in the desert! I definitely second Cee’s answer about a cactus in the super sunny spot. I have a “bunny ears cactus” that has been thriving in these desert conditions. also indoor palms (like a “parlor palm”) can usually do well in direct sun, but they do take up a lot of space!
Autostraddle I looove and appreciate you!
My question is this:
I have an anxious attachment style and a car crash of a love life history. I am either infatuated with my lovers to a much greater degree than they are into me and I absolutely smother them until they run away OR most commonly, my lovers are much more devoted to me than I am to them and I stay with them because I “need” to feel desired and loved and adored. I have never, in 8 years of dating, been able to break this pattern. My biggest wish is to meet a woman who is just as into me as I am into her and to be able to maintain a healthy, mutually supportive relationship. How do I curb the destructive tendencies of my anxious attachment without expensive therapy?! (I am on a waitlist for state subsidised therapy, but god knows how long it will take or if I’ll be matched with a therapist who is queer friendly, poly friendly, WoC friendly etc etc you know how it is). I’m looking for all your best books, websites, online resources, life experience wisdom, stories about your exes cousins gf who successfully overcame the same problem…literally anything.
The first person who came to mind re: attachment style was Seerut Chawla (https://www.instagram.com/seerutkchawla/?hl=en). She lists incredible resources about this exact topic and how attachment patterns that we learned in childhood impact our current relationships, why we replicate them, and also incorporates stuff like stress response and trauma and a really accessible breakdown of what happens physically in our bodies when our formative attachment patterns are triggered. The first step is self-awareness, which just by how you’ve described things, you’ve already got. Another person I would look into is Silvy Khoucasian, she’s also really accessible and has a podcast and I believe a book, too, in addition to her instagram. https://www.instagram.com/silvykhoucasian/?hl=en
Other books: Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson (all of her books are great, actually)
https://www.amazon.com/Hold-Me-Tight-Conversations-Lifetime/dp/1491513810
I’m glad you’re on the waitlist for therapy, though it sucks that therapy isn’t more accessible — you’ve identified what your needs and goals are and what you want to work on, which means that (provided you find a therapist, as you noted, is competent in the ways that are most important to you) you’re in an excellent position to do a lot of the tough self work that change requires. I hope a therapist becomes available to you soon. I might also consider (depending on what your budget can accommodate) shopping around for a relationship coach, since the work you want to do is so targeted. You might be able to find someone who you can afford who would work with you on this specific issue in the short term, and give you some concrete skills to practice, to tide you over until a more longterm therapeutic option becomes available. Maybe also look into group work as well, which can be less expensive options, though it does sound like since the nature of what you’ve identified as a problem shows up in one-to-one relationships, working with an individual (coach or therapist) might align more clearly with what you need.
All that said, I just want to acknowledge that many folks tend to approach attachment styles as if they’re irrevocable and can’t be changed. I personally don’t believe that to be true at all — your attachment style is just information about what relationships are like for you. We learn how to be in relationships when we’re children, and part of the beauty of adult relationships is that’s where you get to do unlearning and healing and start to get really intentional about how you want to show up for intimacy in your life. You are already doing the work!
Hi there! I agree with everything Christina said. I would also say I love making discussions about attachment styles an active part of my relationships with my friends and partners. I ask everyone to take this test: https://www.thegameofdesire.com/throne. It’s so helpful to discuss your style with folks who are important to you so that they can know how best to support you.
I also ask people to take the love languages quiz so that they can see the best way to show me love when I am all wrapped up in my attachment patterns (I am a mixture of anxiously attached and fearfully avoidant which can be confusing for the people closest to me). Because they know my love language, they know that all I really need to feel safe and supported is a few words of encouragement and this has helped during more stressful times. Here is access to the love languages quiz: https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/
question for anyone with adhd: how do you work from home? whenever I try I find myself snoozing the “get out of bed and switch to your work laptop” alarm for several hours while just fucking around on the internet. I have better luck when I start at a coffee shop, but (tmi?) sometimes their products mean I have to rush home to the toilet, and getting back on track after that is basically the same as doing so in the morning.
public libraries, mid-day showers to remind me that it’s working time if i get to loungy, freedom app to block tv/social media, re-reading Heather’s “Do The Damn Thing” series, and running/working out first thing have all worked really well.
also keeping my meds NOT next to my bed, like in my office or downstairs in the kitchen so I need to get out of bed/get started a little bit to take them
Hello my fellow ADHD friend! I am working from home as I type this! The thing that has helped me the most is routines, as boring as it is to report. It is true if I am working in my office too, but I have learned that when I am working from home routines are even MORE helpful. So what does that look like? For me, I try to get up and shower like I would if I was leaving the house. Even if I get dressed in like, cleaner leggings and a sweater, just the act of getting up and preparing to face the day as though I am leaving helps my mindset. I have also found it helpful to get out of the house to do work— when I was freelancing, I would go to the library, because I was too broke to be spending $3.50 on one Americano. But if leaving the house doesn’t work for you, try to pick a zone in your home that is your work from home zone. Make it a comforting space, but most importantly. make it a place that is only for work, so your brain gets in the habit of thinking about work when you are there. Finally, timers! Using timers has become indispensable to my work life. I try to set a 10 minute one when I first sit down to write up my to do list, and then use 15/20 minutes intervals to tackle stuff on that list. I have a browser extension that blocks all the fun sites I try to go to when I am doing work, it’s called Forest, and it rocks. I also have a physical timer at my desk in my office because sometimes, even just picking up my phone to set a timer means I am suddenly on Twitter for 30 minutes.
Those are my die hard tips and tricks, anyway! I hope some of them help!!
Feels like I should get out of bed and take my meds before answering this question
1. Planning out your days and to do lists as clearly and with the most detail as possible. That’s the biggest thing. I also play games with myself for how many tasks of a certain nature I can check off within a limited time span.
2. I’ve actually never thought of lying in bed too long as an ADHD thing, that’s interesting!! but I will say that having a dog makes you eventually have to get out of bed regardless of what’s keeping you there
3. If I’m really drifting I’ll break for a bike ride
4. Co-working with someone who is not a talker — it’s easier to stay on task when not being on task would be obvious to ppl around me.
5. Finding sensical ways to break up the day — a mid day exercise or errand
6. Like Al said, heather’s series is PERFECT
7. For me for some reason having the tv on while doing menial or mindless tasks helps, like it sucks up all my ability to find another distraction bc I’ve already committed to two things at the same time
8. Blocking social media on ur phone during work hours
To Riese’s point about blocking social media – I strongly recommend the app Freedom. It’s $30 a year but it pays for itself immediately (if a $150 assignment takes me two hours to write instead of three because there’s an hour of twitter stuck in the middle, you know what I mean?) You can use it for both your web browser and cell phone, set up different lists for different times, schedule blocks in advance, repeat the same schedule every weekday, etc. It’s a little clunky with some apps (e.g. it doesn’t block Instagram very effectively because of how FB is coded) but overall it has made a huge difference for me!
This one’s for Keah Brown and Carrie Wade: do you have any words of solidarity for a longterm housebound disabled/chronically ill queer?
I’m making a big effort to be gentle with myself and find joy in my body, identity and the world around me. While that helps a lot, I’m still feeling isolated and stranded. I would really appreciate any warmth and disabled queer pride you could share!
Sending a sunbeam your way! (and to everyone else at Autostraddle – happy birthday!)
Hey Kate! Thank you for the sunbeam I definitely need it right now! I won’t say I’m housebound because I can come and go but I do spend a lot of time at home in my room because I either work from home or the library and lately I’ve been working a bunch from home. It’s hard more often than anyone would like to admit being “Disabled and” but whatever I’ve found wrt to being disabled and queer and in my home A LOT is that this doesn’t negate the fact that I still am queer and disabled. Disability can be very isolating and as you’ve said, being gentle with yourself so important.
What I want you to know is that even though you were housebound there are still people we can connect with. The Internet isn’t everything but it really helps me in terms of the feeling of isolation and feeling stuck. I also really enjoy losing myself in books in particular stepping into somebody else’s world so I don’t feel like I’m missing something, so I feel like I’m traveling somewhere even when physically I’m not mentally I am and that keeps me going as well.
Also, it’s OK to lean on your friends and tell them how you’re feeling and if you’re looking for my friends, tweeting about these feelings help me find some really great people in the disability community who I consider lifelong friends now and doing things to get these feelings out like writing about them even if it’s just for you can help you as well
Rooting for you always! You’ve got this :)
Hi. I know I am neither Keah Brown nor Carrie Wade, but I am* a frequently hospitalized and/or housebound disabled and chronically ill queer and I wanted to pop in with a little solidarity! It’s hard to be gentle with yourself when everything feels hard and you feel like you’re on your own, I’m glad you’re making the effort! And while there’s not necessarily a cookie cutter solution for that, the good news is, we’re not ever really alone in the world. While I don’t know your situation, I can tell you there are so many queer and disabled folks who are with you all the time.
A big thing that helps me, is to get immersed in something I care about, especially if it’s something I’m new to learning (audible books, small hobbies, online communities and classes, binge-watching TERRIBLE television, whatever!), and showing up for yourself. Give yourself a morning routine, or a daily routine that feels good, and remember to go off book every once and a while. Prioritize you! You’re alive and you’re doing things.
I’m sending you love and solidarity. You’ve got a whole community of people here who love you, and genuinely feel that our community is better because you’re in it.
xoxo.
Gossip Girl.
(Just kidding, it’s A Andrews)
Hi Kate! First of all I want to cosign everything Keah and A have suggested; unsurprisingly, given that they’re both brilliant people, you’ve got a lot of wisdom right there already.
All the solidarity in the world on this, my friend. I’ve felt the frustrations you’ve named many times before, for so many reasons, and it’s never easy. I really want to applaud you for making that “big effort” you mentioned, because you’re right: it’s absolutely crucial to find joy in your body and identity as a disabled person, and especially to create that joy when and however you can in your own home. The fact that you know that and are pursuing it is so important. I’m also curious: what are the things you already do to create that joy in your life? What are you already finding helpful? I often find that when I’m feeling stuck and isolated, it helps to take stock of the stuff that reliably makes me feel good and then tease out common threads that lead to other ideas or activities.
Like Keah, I am Team Internet when it comes to connecting with new or existing friends (with the caveat that I have recently bid adieu to Twitter, which I have zero regrets about, and am sticking to Instagram these days). The vast majority of my disabled friends are also my online friends. If you haven’t already explored the wonders of the Disability Internet via, say, the Disability Visibility Project, Sins Invalid, Crip the Vote, etc. etc. etc., there’s a whole cadre of folks there just waiting for you to say hello and become part of the conversation. Even if I’m not participating in any back-and-forth, I often find the internet is the best place to stay up to date with what’s going on in the community and discover new people who are out there doing their thing.
I am *also* very into scheduling at least one internet or phone date a week with friends when I need something to build my calendar around, and I HIGHLY recommend trying this if you haven’t or sticking with it if you have. In my downest times, having something concrete like that to look forward to has helped so much. And if you’re in a position where you’ve got friends nearby who can visit in person, ask them over, and make A Thing of it! When I was housebound prior to a major surgery a few years ago, I set up times for my friends to come over with dinner, or to watch a specific movie, or to read books together in silence, or to create something together, or whatever. Maybe it’s just me, but I found that being really specific about my social calendar during that time (rather than just “come over and sit here and we’ll maybe figure something out”) was a huge mental boost.
All that is to say: you are absolutely not alone in this, ever, and you’re already doing so much of the right thing. Being disabled and queer means being part of a resilient community that does things our own damn way, and you are contributing to that every day. Keep on keeping on, and we love you.
Crushing/vibing hard on/with someone who is going away for six months in June. Cut myself off before it’s too late or let it ride?
Hi! Have you talked to this person that you are crushing on? Do they know you are? If they know I think it’s best to talk to them directly about what going away means for your situation. Maybe it means you let it go or the person will come back in six months and you two will pick up where you left off.
If they don’t know how you feel, I would personally let it ride because trying to cut yourself off in my experience made the hurt last longer because you spend so much time trying to convince yourself you don’t care and it doesn’t matter. But it does and acknowledging that can help you move on faster by letting it ride out.
Let it ride!! I pretty firmly believe in following your feelings even if hurt may come later. June is months away! Who knows what can happen. And if you don’t go for it you might always wonder. The feelings are already there, and while sex, romance, etc. can increase those feelings in a way that may be challenging when they leave, I still almost always think it’s worth it. I guess what I’m saying is life can always get complicated and people can always get hurt, so why not enjoy the experience of connecting with someone whenever you can?
Thank you Keah and Drew! You’re right, I’ll let it ride and see what happens. Happy Birthday Autostraddle!
Keah and Drew offered some really great advice so I’ll just add my voice to the chorus.
Simply put, the world’s a shit show and you should take pleasure in whatever happiness you can derive from it for however long you can.
ALSO!!!
Six months isn’t a long time and if things go well, it could be the start of something great when they return.
Firstly let them know what’s up. It’s the first thing that will give you your answer on if you need to hold on to the feelings while they are gone and communicate with them and send texts and be cute and long distance or if you need to drop the feelings and then work on healing from the crush.
If things do sway your way though I would seriously think about if you want the first six months of y’all interacting on the next level to be long distance, because even if it’s not a relationship yet, that can be hard!
I love this
This may be a question for Carmen: I teach Spanish language and literature at the university level and am comfortable being out as queer to my students, but I have occasionally wavered on my gender. Writing a bio in the third person or being asked to share my pronouns in queer settings often feels like a quiz for which I haven’t studied.
That said, I feel uncomfortable when students address me as something other than my name, Dr. ___, or Professor ___ (in Spanish, I’m fine with either Doctor, Doctora, Profesor, or Profesora ___), especially if they call me “Ms.,” “Señora,” “Señorita,” or something along those lines. I have a PhD, but the gendered sound grates me at least as much as the seeming questioning of my qualifications. I usually describe myself in the feminine, but sometimes I enjoy it when students make concordancia “mistakes”! The other day I referred to myself on a slide as “lx autorx,” which felt rather exposed but good; however, it’s not something I would do all the time, as I do usually describe myself in the feminize. I have also gotten pushback about using the -x in writing from a whiny student who was kind of a cabrón. (For context, I am a short US-born xicana and he is a tall, light-skinned hondureño. This is my first year at this university and I am not on the tenure track.) Do you have any advice about getting respect while navigating gendered language? Para uno de mis cursos he puesto (-a/-o/-x) en mi página del curso, pero me parece torpe y sugiere más fluidez de género de lo que normalmente siento. Anyhow, lo más importante es el respeto; ese estudiante del semestre pasado really got under my skin.
Sophia!!! This is such a great question and I’m really excited to answer it!
I’d also like to emphatically say: You are not alone my friend!! Having wavering gender feels is difficult enough without also having to navigate a language that’s as heavily gendered as Spanish, and then! for this language to be tied to your job as well! It’s sooo much to navigate!! I really want to applaud you for tackling it with such an open mind and heart.
OK, my first suggestion was going to be one you’ve already tried, which is using (-a / -o / -x) on your syllabus. I know that felt a little awkward for you, but maybe here’s another way to think about it: Having all the options available for your students might actually feel very freeing for some of them as well. Queer students and trans students don’t always feel comfortable outing themselves in class, and might be feeling the same difficulties around language that you’re feeling. Seeing that you’re leaving all options open might also help them relax and feel at home in your class. Which might be something to think about!
Another way to handle it might to say at the start of the semester (or write it, if talking about it makes you uncomfortable) very upfront:
Soy doctora [tu nombre]. Prefiero que me llame doctora o profesora, y no “señorita” o “señora”, por respeto. También me siento cómodo con que me llames doctor, profesor, doctorx o professorx. No tengo preferencia sobre esto.
I think being straight forward about your preferences right at the beginning is the best way to handle it. Most students will probably defer to calling you Doctora/Profesora, but those who want to will choose differently, and that might allow you to have more of the freedom you’re looking for in the classroom (it also gives YOU breathing room to use different words for yourself as the semester progresses).
Also, this just occurred to me, but have you thought about using Profe? I feel like it’s gender neutral on its own, so that’s another causal way to negotiate gender — while still being respectful of your WELL EARNED title — in the classroom?
Last thing, fuck that cabroncito! I know it’s hard to say that in a classroom situation where you have you power over the students, but also students have power of their own in being able to write course reviews and/or complain to your department head, etc. And that can be very vulnerable! Especially for us queer people and people of color in academia! (I once had a student write in their course review that “they felt uncomfortable expressing their true thoughts and feelings about the trans-Atlantic slave trade” because of my political views! I assume my political views were… I was black? And he thought that meant he couldn’t say he was pro-slavery? Much like your hondureño, this kid was white).
It sounds like you are doing everything right, if you have another student who makes a fuss, trust that being inclusive will almost always win out. Sure there are still those who are arguing for the purity of Spanish (and some of those people may even be in your department), but Latinx is recognized now by both The Real Academia Española and Asociación de Academias de la Lengua Española (see more: https://remezcla.com/culture/rae-style-manual/). So the tides have already shifted. Don’t let them get in your way.
I think it’s really great that you used “lx autorx” in a slide recently!! I hope you get to do it again, soon, and as often as you feel comfortable.
Sending you a lot of love!
Thank you, Carmen. I did say something about it on the first day this semester, partly because being addressed as “Ms” in an email from that guy (el mismísimo) last semester was so grating. I guess it made me extra determined to take up space this semester. I’ve thought briefly about using “Profe,” but it wouldn’t tell my students which endings to use. The main thing, for the moment, is avoiding Ms., Mrs., Señora (¡!) y Señorita (if someone called me doña I’d laugh – enseño literatura de los siglos XVI y XVII).
I do think that being open is better than not, for my sake and that of my students. The first semester I taught in grad school was one when I still had one foot in the closet on top of the nerves about starting to teach. Overall (occasional cabrón aside), not hiding saves me energy that I would rather use to research, sleep, or prepare my classes better.
Tomorrow I’m going to a focus group meaning about inclusive language in the department. A lot of the efforts so far seem framed around being inclusive of students’ identities, so I plan to raise the point that respect from colleagues and students also affects teaching/working conditions for faculty.
From my experience, something similar can be said about a lot of pedagogy events related to diversity, equity, and inclusion: there’s much more offered to teach faculty how to be conscious of students’ diversity (often with the assumption that the faculty members do not share these identities) than there is to support faculty who hold their own marginalized identities and are navigating the experience of teaching students who do not hold these identities – or who hold different ones! I’d like to see more workshops at my university (not only at conferences for POC) about being a WOC/POC faculty member at a predominantly white institution and dealing with sometimes biased expectations from students. I’d like to see more events about supporting students with marginalized identities that are simply not the same as mine.
Vaya, that’s disturbing but unfortunately not entirely surprising about the student being uncomfortable expressing his views about the slave trade because of your political views….funny how not being white or whatever makes us “political”! ¡Qué descarado! (Recuerdo ahora que después del último día de clase, ese tipo se quedó en el aula y básicamente me gritó diciendo, entre otras cosas, que era demasiado político escribir “Queridxs estudiantes”…ni siquiera había surgido ese tema antes; el tipo cavó su propia fosa.) I still haven’t looked at last semester’s evaluations, but I suspect I’ll recognize any comments of his from a mile away.
Muchas gracias de nuevo, Carmen!
Happy birthday Autostraddle!
A-Team: I’m looking for some new, fun, and frisky ideas for fingering. It’s my favorite sex act but I want to take it to the next level. Any tips, tricks, and fun ideas are appreciated :)
I’m not the A-team but I am team fisting!! I think it’s the fun ‘next step’ for fingering!! Annnd Autostraddle wrote a guide to it – https://develop.autostraddle.com/lesbian-fisting-101-410028/
Hiya! Here’s hoping that your favorite act includes lube lots and lots of lube!
But I too love fingering! And there are a few ways to amp it up and the first (broken record) communicate and ask if it’s ok to introduce these things in or use them with a casual or steady hookup.
For clitoral play during fingering look up The Palma by Unbound, it’s sexy gradual and you can wear it to always be ready. The Vedo Yumi is cute for it too!
For internal play you can look up the Oxballs glove to invite in some texture play! I especially love the finger that Has ridges on it that would to me would feel WILDLY GOOD.
Have fun!
Try new positions! Add a blindfold! Add in other sensations and toys to heighten the experience overall. Try On Natural Arousal Gel to also heighten feelings. Have the person being fingered try and tell a dirty story while getting off (love a multi-task challenge)!
Drew/ Shelli: what are good queer movies to watch that won’t make me more depressed?
Alaina: what’s an extremely easy baking recipe?
Thank you, and happy birthday, AS! 🧁
I’m going to split this into two categories, because sometimes when depressed I want something that’s just light and breezy and delicious and other times I want something that is ultimately hopeful but is grounded in a sense of reality.
SUNSHINE AND RAINBOWS LESBIAN MOVIES: Battle of the Sexes (2017), Blockers (2018), D.E.B.S. (2004), Hearts Beat Loud (2018), I Can’t Think Straight (2008), Imagine Me & You (2005), The Incredibly True Adventures of 2 Girls in Love (1995), Nina’s Heavenly Delights (2006), Princess Cyd (2017), Saving Face (2004)
LIFE IS HARD BUT ALSO SO GOOD LESBIAN MOVIES: All Over Me (1997), Bound (1996), Carol (2015), Chutney Popcorn (1999), Codependent Lesbian Space Alien Seeks Same (2011), A Date for Mad Mary (2016), Desert Hearts (1985), The Handmaiden (2016), The Journey (2004), Pariah (2011), Set Me Free (1999)
i second BLOCKERS
Okay I have TWO answers to this question.
The first is baking because it’s in an oven, but is also, technically cooking because it’s a roast chicken (or cauliflower if you’re plant based, or tofu, i guess??? but i don’t eat tofu). Put on gloves! Take your bird, and put salt under the skin (just, kinda gently yank it up and sprinkle the salt. It sounds harder than it is! you got it!). now put it in the fridge, on a sheet pan, uncovered for at least an hour, up to a day, it’ll be fine, i promise! if you wanted to go still very easy, but level 2, you could also sprinkle some of your fav dried herbs under the skin when you salt it, but salt is gonna be great. for cauliflower, throw it in a bowl with olive oil, salt, pepper, herbs. put it in the fridge for an hour to one day, covered. take your chicken/cauliflower out 30 minutes before you cook it. now turn your oven to 400º (if you are not in america i am sorry, i am very dumb i have no clue what that would be), sprinkle some olive oil on top (more than you think! it’s delicious!), a little more salt, fresh herbs. If you have a cast iron pan, preheat that with the oven. If not, very chill. If you WANT, you can add in some root vegetables, some citrus, some garlic, an onion, shallots, more herbs with their stems??? either CAREFULLY throw all those in the bottom of the cast iron pan when it’s hot (carefully bc it’s hot!) and then put your chicken on top of it OR just place them around the chicken on the same pan you’ve been using. NOW. put it in the oven. set a timer for 45 minutes. check on it then, is it getting too brown? if so, throw some foil on it. If not, don’t put the foil. set a timer for 20 minutes. if this is cauliflower, your done. take her out. use some tongs and shake the leg–is it falling off????? if not set the timer for 10 more minutes, try again, if not 5 more minutes. take out the chicken, let it rest for 15 minutes, carve it. for cauliflower, cut it in steak like thingies. dinner.
NUMBER TWO!
A loaf cake! Banana bread is always an easy go to. I love this recipe from the kitchn and use (something like) this all the time. It’s especially a great starter recipe to figure out how batters should feel/look if you don’t have a scale. if you DO have a kitchen scale, try something like this earl grey yogurt loaf cake recipe. scales are KEY for baking, so if you find you’re often an unsuccessful baker, try a kitchen scale and bake recipes by weight.
good luck send me pictures on twitter if you bake something!!!!
@lilchinchilla since drew has killed the answer I will use this as an opportunity to tell you to watch Scott Pilgrim. There is a light queer aspect to it, it’s ridiculous and fun and RIDICULOUSLY FUN and I think that shit is on Netflix still!
Please watch everything Drew said because she knows best though
Also I second the shit out of D.E.B.S Because YESSSSSSSSSSSS.
Hi @lilchinchilla! Alaina’s recipes are incredible and I can’t wait to try them!
In addition, I would like to share one of my favorite vegan chocolate cupcake recipe that is also super easy and does not require weird vegan ingredients like agar agar (whatever the hell that is). Often times, I add a spoon of jam into each cupcake after filling the muffin pan. And I skip the frosting because I don’t really like frosting anyways.
https://www.chowhound.com/recipes/basic-vegan-chocolate-cupcake-10794
I’ve read “How to Leave Your Husband (Because You’re a Lesbian)” a million times, but … more help please!
I’m closeted, 40, in a reasonably happy hetero marriage with kids, but something crashed into place last year and I… holy cats, I want to be with a woman. This isn’t new, exactly, I’ve been out to myself since college and my husband knows, but it doesn’t come up much. We have a running “joke” that one day I’m going to leave him for a woman, but… when is it time to stop joking?
I have an epic crush on my (probably straight, also married with kids) friend. I’ve had the crush for six months, but sometimes can’t decide how much it’s actually her and how much she is a stand-in for just wanting to be with a girl. Like, she’s amazing and I totally want to make out, but I have also definitely created an idealized “and then we all live happily ever after, Brady Bunch-style” narrative about what happens after making out.
What do I do???? It seems stupid to risk a very comfortable life. My husband is my best friend and we’ve been together a really long time with zero drama. But what if I never get to do anything (*cough* anyone) else?
Do I tell my friend about my crush? How do you find women who want to go out with middle-aged moms who have never gone out with a woman? Do I just suck it up, because marriage isn’t always easy, and I have no idea what the future holds? How do you catwhistle to other suburban moms who are ready to ditch the dads?
It is almost always-in my personal opinion-worth risking your comfortable life. Talk to your husband about how you feel-he is your best friend after all. It might provide come clarity of how you two will move forward with this particular crush-but also how to move forward with your desires in general. What you two look like today might not be what you two look like together in a year. Instead of being guided by fear, be guided by your wildest imagination and your curiosity and empathy for yourself. There are women who will want you. Write a Lex ad (after a conversation) and I think you’ll be surprised by how many others relate.
Also, this isn’t exactly the same but probably relevant: https://develop.autostraddle.com/ynh-married-to-a-man-and-tempted-to-cheat/
Hey, I am almost done with my divorce. I was you a year ago. HMU if you want! (And yes you should leave him. Being gay is the greatest.)
I would definitely agree with Archie that it’s worth having a conversation with your husband – you may be right that your feelings about your best friend are about more than just her, but the fact that this is taking up so much space in your brain means to me that it’s important enough to you that something needs to change. I definitely hear you that your marriage right now doesn’t sound like it has capital p Problems and clearly you care a lot about your husband and family, and I understand it’s hard to think about the discomfort that any kind of change would bring. I think it may be worth asking yourself some questions around how you’re feeling – what IF you never got to do anything with anyone else? How does that make you feel? The fact that you’re imagining “happily ever after” with your best friend also means this is maybe about more than sex – what does your ideal life look like in your fantasies? Are you married in it? To who? What kind of relationship(s) do you have? What would it take for you to feel like you deserve that fantasy being real? Is there any scenario you can imagine in which you would feel confident and deserving of that change? If not, doesn’t that mean any time is as good as any other time to start thinking about making it?
I am so sick of code switching will it really freak rich white people out if I stop
they’ll get used to it
They’re going to have to.
I can totally relate to your frustration. As a writer, I strive to be as clear as possible always but code switching makes me feel like I’m being so inauthentic.
Sadly, though, the answer to your question, at least in my experience, is an empathetic yes.
The notion of authenticity is so critical that to betray yourself in this way when our journey here is so much about figuring out who we are; it feels so damaging to have to hide that but I really like living at the beach? Lol. Life!
It probably will make them confused but honestly, that has nothing to do with you.
Stop if you want but also know it’s a process and that in this world people of color sometimes need to do things to protect themselves and that often includes switching up how you speak.
When engaging with the law, people who are in control of money, etc we often need to switch but don’t feel bad for doing so.
Basically, don’t concern yourself with some white people’s feelings. Do what you want and what makes you feel comfortable and know that I support you bb!!
This is good good advice
I co-sign this advice.
I’m just starting to feel like having multiple postures to operate in the world is really degrading the notion of thriving as the individual that I am. I understand being perceived as a threat to law enforcement etc., and I’m sure everyone is on some other channel with their boss, but I can’t fake it for Becky in marketing just so she’ll treat me like a human being. Truly.
I vote for being yourself! You might find that a lot of what you’re thinking of right now as code switching might also just be your natural voice (which is to say that almost all of us speak more clearly than we think we do), and any thing else comes along with it — they WILL get used to.
I think a lot of times we’re programmed to making ourselves smaller, but literally zero of the white people around us ever think “if I use this colloquialism or phrase, will it freak out my poc co-worker.” THEY DON’T CARE! And therefore, we don’t need to care for them in this way, either.
OK — if you work in a 9-to-5 business setting where professional/clear language is a part of the gig, then probably don’t bounce in their quoting Cardi during a board meeting tomorrow (or maybe… do? 😉) BUT I think as long as your appropriate for the your surroundings (ie/ you probably weren’t about to quote Cardi during dinner with Grandma either, etc) then you should feel just fine about taking up a bit more room to be your damn self.
How much time do you think we lose a day trying to fit ourselves into someone else’s box? Especially as people of color. How much time a day/ week/ month/year? We could be using that time to invest in ourselves instead. If you spend less time worrying about picking the exact right words or phrases, your brain is going free itself up creatively, and I bet some magic will pop out. Think about it!
Truth. Thank you! I wish I didn’t feel as if I’m not allowed to occupy that space when I’m constantly in these environments where I’m THE FIRST or THE ONLY. As if they’ll discount future prospects because I know both Michelle Williams’. If we are to truly flourish and thrive in this world with all the gifts we’ve been given, our professional lives must be an extension of who we genuinely are as people. I’m genuinely trying and I guess I’m surprised at how heavy the feeling is, of the consequence of being me, since I am truly proud of myself and who I am.
Also: “Basically, don’t concern yourself with some white people’s feelings.” IS A FOREVER MOOD!!!!! Thank you Shelli. Putting it on a Post-It!
I think it’s all about picking your battles and figuring out where you would like to utilize your energy. There are days, especially at work, where code switching just feels easier and less draining (because I know the result will lead to less issues) and I try my best to not beat myself up for those days.
On the days where code switching feels like a lot of work, I just know I have to be willing to deal with the risk of backlash/white tears/nonsense.
It’s always helpful to ask what is the next best step/next best move that you can make to honor yourself and where you’re at in every situation.
cw suicide
my best friend tried to kill herself yesterday. how do we keep going after this? is there any point in trying to find happiness and stability when it always turns out to be massively fleeting?
I vote yes. Because even when happiness is fleeting, it’s so worth it. And it almost always come back in one form or another, even after long stretches of darkness. So why not fight/reach for more? As much as we can get, as often as we can get it.
Keep fighting, keep trying, keep hoping. Keep going.
@tealie, I’m so sorry for what you and your friend are going through and I’m sending y’all all the love as you try to pick up the pieces and move ahead. As someone who’s struggled with ideation for a long, long time, the one thing I remind myself of daily is that, yes, happiness is fleeting but so is sadness. That’s why happiness always feels so revelatory…because we’ve tasted sadness before.
To echo Valerie, the only thing to do is fight and hold on…to each other and to the things that bring you joy. Keep fighting for your friendship, for those bright spots…they may not get you out of the sadness entirely but they light your way forward.
Hi @tealie, I’m really sorry for what you and your friend are going through. A friend shared this recently with me (I think from facebook or insta or something): “You don’t have to feel hopeful about the future, it’s enough to just be curious about what is coming.”
Happiness is fleeting and in my most difficult moments I struggle to feel hopeful for the possibility of another fleeting moment of happiness. I liked this quote / idea because instead of forcing myself to feel “hopeful” I can just center my thoughts around the idea of curiosity and possiblity.
I wish you and your friend all the best.
Happy birthday!!! Thrilled to be a supporter of this great site.
So I am a millennial outlier in that I have lived alone for almost 10 years. I love it so much. my apartment is small but it is my sanctuary. I have also been largely single in the time I’ve lived alone—nothing that lasted over six months, until my current relationship of just over a year. I am so happy with her!! It feels like my life has really opened up in ways I had thought were lost to me.
But I have a nagging worry/fear about our future, and it is that I do not want to move in with her. I love waking up with her and cooking with her and even just going to Target with her, all that domestic stuff, but I ALSO love having my own place, and that love is still winning out.
She would’ve moved in together months ago, but she knows I’m not ready for it. She keeps saying there’s no timeline and every relationship is its own thing, which I am trying but struggling to internalize. I worry that she doesn’t actually believe what she says (despite there being no evidence for that) and that her patience with me will run out before I get fully onboard. I also worry I never will get onboard. What if I never want to live with anyone?? Am I doomed to be alone, surrounded by u-haulers?
Hello there!! I completely sympathize with this (as a person who lived alone for several years post my last relationship) – and think it’s totally fine that you prefer your own space and treasure living alone. Being alone often allows us to process many things (life, work, love) that we maybe wouldn’t be able to otherwise. Gives us time to think. I think it’s a good idea to keep talking about this with your partner. If they say they are understanding of the situation (and haven’t shown that they feel otherwise), then that’s great news! I also think it’s completely fine and normal for people to be in relationships – even long term ones – and live separately. Maybe in the future you’ll feel differently, and maybe not, but either way is a totally valid choice. It sounds like this person loves and respects you for who you are (a person who needs boundaries) and that is what matters. <3
Hello @lochalyssa!
This question is me to a T. I love living alone and don’t plan on ever moving in with a partner, I love my space too much! I’ve only ever had one relationship that lasted long enough for us to discuss moving in, and she was very respectful about my needs. My jobs require me to interact with others a lot so when I get home I just want to be surrounded by my silence and occasionally the sound of me singing along to 90s r&b
If you never want to live with anyone that’s totally fine. Don’t let the Uhaul stereotype guilt you into doing something you aren’t comfortable with. The right, loving partner will understand that you need your space and can’t move in because y’all have reached x milestone together. It’s totally fine to not only want but need that space for yourself.
You’re certainly not doomed to be alone, who knows, you might find a partner that feels the same way and isn’t in a rush to move in with someone. Don’t feel any shame or pressure around it. Live that sweet sweet solo living life!
I know several happy, functional couples who do not live together and have made it work! It’s indeed possible that you’re never going to want to move in together, and that’s okay, especially since it sounds like you’ve made it clear to her that you do have reservations about it. I think you do need to be upfront with her about the possibility that it’ll never be something you want, because you could definitely run into some issues if she’s under the impression that it’s just a waiting game.
As for the worrying that she doesn’t believe what she says part, I mean, you said it yourself. There’s no evidence for it, so you need to take her at her word. If she isn’t being truthful about her own wants/needs, then she is creating a lot of problems for herself and that’s actually not on you.
Echoing what the others have said about it being super fine for you to want/need to live alone forever, and the importance of boundaries and clear conversation with your partner about it, but also…
…living in a certain mode for a long period of time can make it hard to envision a different way of living! As someone that also lived alone for ~10 years and really loved it, and generally needs my own space/time a lot, I was surprised when I also loved living with my current partner. There are always issues and compromises living with anyone, but there are so many things that I also enjoy that I don’t think I’d have realised beforehand!
How do you think you’d feel if your circumstances or your partner’s circumstances changed so that moving in made logistical sense? Does it fill you with dread, or do you see some positives in that? Do you think there would be a way of modelling what it would be like to live together in a temporary way that wouldn’t give her a false sense of committing to it (e.g. trying an extended sleepover for a week or two, taking a long vacation together)? How does the thought of that make you feel?
The way you phrased the question about being “doomed to be alone” makes me think you haven’t quite made your mind up about whether being alone is definitely what you want – or is that a fear that you won’t find someone that will respect your needs? Those people do exist, and maybe that could be your partner right now!
Keep talking with your partner and be honest with both her and yourself about what your requirements for being a healthy and happy person are – and hers too. But also (speaking as someone who surprised herself about this) don’t preclude the possibility that you could be happy living with someone!
I saw this article and shared it with a friend who also really loves living alone and is not sure if she wants to move in with her partner.
Maybe you’ll get something out of it, too? :)
https://www.curbed.com/2020/2/12/21133847/couples-living-apart-together-lat-benefits?fbclid=IwAR3TaZETX58yd6UCJSiAsKnGOreQucjSu57Eo1C5tEhHtBvH-WpgRbW_-xg
Happy birthday, Autostraddle! I am grateful you exist!
Any advice on coming out as poly to parents/family who think that any non-monogamous relationships are inherently cheating and therefore morally reprehensible? I’ve had conversations with them in the past where I tried to introduce the possibility that people could have very happy healthy relationships that looked very different from theirs, but they did not budge. I have known for a while that monogamy was probably not my thing but figured I didn’t actually need to have a conversation with my parents until it became more relevant. Well, now it is more relevant. A couple weeks ago, my parents called with some bad news while I was with one of my girlfriends. They wanted to make sure I’d have people to support me, since we live in different states, and I assured them that I was with a friend who would take care of me. It felt really gross to me to be referring to her only as my “friend,” and I don’t really want to keep doing that. Also, the other girlfriend dumped me yesterday and I can’t even tell my parents what I’m upset about because they didn’t know I was seeing her. Earlier it seemed like cost/benefit analysis meant I shouldn’t bother to have this conversation with my parents, but the costs are piling up. I want them to know about the important people in my life, but I am afraid they will just think it is TMI about my sex life, especially because they think the point of dating is to find a spouse and while I love my girlfriend, we are never going to get married because we both want a spouse who shares our differing religious traditions. Part of me does think that my parents don’t need to know who I’m sleeping with or going on dates with, and that I should not open myself up to their judgment. I just want them to be happy for me and I know they won’t be. Should I tell them? If so…how? Any other advice you want to give me?
Hi Leora. It seems like you’ve already done a lot of risk vs benefit analysis on this situation. As we likely have different situations, I can only speak from my personal experience of being out to my parents as a non-monogamous gay. For me, I don’t fully remember when I came out to them about my polyamory, but I know it was less of a coming out and a more of a “let me explain this key aspect of my life that might confuse you”. I let my mother know I was dating multiple people because I’m not only capable, but incredibly prone to having romantic feelings for more than one person at once. I told her everybody in the situation knows about each other (I went a long stretch of always dating older married women and found it important to explain I wasn’t homewrecking) and that it simply is a lot easier to not have the expectation on one lover/partner to be your everything. Truthfully I don’t think my parents ~get it~, but I think they can see it works for me as my relationships are one of the few areas of my life where I am mostly happy and secure. At the end of the day, I don’t need them to understand as much as I need them to accept and support.
If you think it would increase the quality of your personal life, I would suggest telling them. If you think it would increase your stress and be a terrible effort, that also makes sense. Sorry I can’t give a clearer answer but I hope this helps
Thank you! I am glad things are working for you. The framing of understanding v. accepting and supporting is definitely helpful.
It looks to me like there are a few different things going on here – explaining poly to people who think anything outside traditional monogamy is cheating, and the degree to which you can share your life with your parents.
On the poly side, I find when people fixate on the idea of “but it’s cheating,” it can help to deconstruct what cheating actually is (breaking an agreement), to point out that in monogamous relationships people have all different definitions of what “counts” as cheating anyway and that so do poly relationships, but that the definitions are different. You also write that they see the “point of dating” as “finding a spouse” – one approach could be to discuss how that’s not the point for you, another could be to point out that marriage can look lots of ways.
But it’s entirely possible your parents just won’t “get” poly relationships broadly, and it’s worth examining whether that might be less relevant than them being supportive of yours. At a time that isn’t when receiving bad news from them, is there room to say “I want to talk to you about something that you might not understand but it’s important to me that you listen” before sharing your sadness at one of your girlfriends dumping you? Better yet, is there room to talk, briefly and matter of factly, about some of the small positive parts of being poly? “I met [the partner they know about]’s other partner today, we got lunch and it was great, I’m glad she’s in her life and we’re all going to a movie next week.” “I and my girlfriend’s boifriend went over to feed their cats while they were away.” “I was having a hard time but [my partner] and [my girlfriend] were both really there for me.” Whatever. The point is less “MOM I’M POLY I NEED YOU TO UNDERSTAND” and more “look at the consistent, loving joy that having multiple partners brings into my life.”
Many thanks! I am finding there are so many small joys like you describe, and that is what I most want my parents to hear and be happy for me. And also thank you for thoughtfully answering the multiple parts of my question since you are definitely correct that there are multiple things going on.
Love you and will support you in your decisions, always. <3
nice.
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go team
Noice
niceeeee
v nice
niiiiiice 😉
Happy birthday, all! I’m a big unexplained phenomena nerd, so here’s a question: what are your favorite unsolved mysteries?
Hi team and happy birthday!
I’m about to start grad school while working, and I’m so excited. Do you have any tips on how to still connect with my partner and my friends while doing these things? When I’m super busy, my personal relationships are something I tend to neglect.
Thanks!
Gemma
Congrats on grad school! When I’m super busy, I’ve found that it’s easiest to see my friends/loved ones by having really low-key gatherings at my place or a friend’s place. Sometimes coordinating going out somewhere adds a whole complicated layer of logistics to things! But having people over for a meal or a movie/game night or just sitting around talking is actually really nice (and sometimes undervalued as a social experience?!). Plus it’s also a more affordable way to socialize than going out somewhere.
Hi @kewl42!
I’m always struggling to balance my work-related ambitions and a social life and I recently started taking a class, so I can relate! I think the first thing I have to remind myself is to be realistic in my expectations. Like, for me, when I first started thinking about taking classes, I was going to be ambitious and try to take two! And then when I sat with it I was like, “Self, this is a bad idea. Why don’t you just dip one toe in and only take one?” Since you’re in a grad program you may not have that much flexibility, but think creatively about ways in which you can make more time for yourself. For instance, do you have the option of taking paid time off from work (either a few hours a week or one day every couple of weeks) just to catch up on sleep, school, self-care, and relationships? There’s no need to try to go 100% or more in everything all the time.
To your actual question about making sure to connect with your partner and friends, I think there are two strategies I find help. First, is setting expectations with all parties so that everyone understands that if you’re a little more absent than usual it’s not because you don’t care about them but rather because you are just so swamped – clear communication here is key! You can take the time, particularly with your partner but I would also encourage you to do this with close friends, to talk about what they need and are looking for from you and discuss potential compromises during the duration of your grad program. But some of it can be extremely concrete as well, for instance, “exams are during these 2 weeks, I really won’t be able to socialize during that time” or “break is during this week, I can set aside more time to socialize” which brings me to my next point.
Schedule time for the people in your life! It can be really tempting to take approach of “oh well, I’ll reach out when I have time” but whenever I’ve tried to or watched somebody else do that, it results in two things. 1- The other person has their own life that they are living and by waiting until the last minute you put them in the unfair situation of dropping their plans or putting their life on hold just to see you. 2- You’ll end up working and/or procrastinating a bunch and will have even less time to see and spend with your partner/friends than if you had just planned in advance. I understand that scheduling stuff in advance can be stressful for some people, so you’ll have to navigate that balance for whatever feels good for you and for the people in your life. But I think at least trying to schedule some definitive socializing time will help you find the balance you’re seeking.
Good luck!
I hear you on this! I definitely struggled with that in grad school. One thing I wish I had done better was set boundaries around when I was working (school or other work) and when I was not. For me if I didn’t make specific hours when I had to be working AND when I wasn’t allowed to be working, I got into the habit of feeling like I had to work all the time and then didn’t feel like I could do any socializing. These hours might not be the same every week, and you might sometimes have to change them depending on how your work goes that week.
Also echoing the idea of scheduling time with your friends and partner!
One more thing: I have also found that sometimes a hangout with a friend where you do errands or yardwork or housework or something you have to do that’s unpleasant can really work and be fun. I recently went and hung out with a friend while she cleaned her AirBnB and it was so nice to get to have a one on one chat with her that we wouldn’t have had time for otherwise.
Happy birthday, Autostraddle!
To the team: what is your favorite memory from your time at AS?
oh god so many to choose from but one is definitely when Erin and I penned “Mommi Is The New Daddy”…an iconic moment for friendship and also journalism https://develop.autostraddle.com/mommi-is-the-new-daddy-380682/
Omg during my phone interview I was nervous as shit but Carmen and crew made me feel great and ACTUALLY engaged me on conversation about my fear of mermaid and how Ariel is a kleptomaniac with Mommy issues and how that movie is a HORROR FILM! And I still got the job!
I LOVE BEING IN THIS FAMILY!!!
SHELLI!!! ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️
I was asked to join Team Autostraddle right before the half-camp we did in Wisconsin and I remember the first big hug I got from Riese and Laneia and it made me feel so welcome. Like I was finally home.
Oh, @roseesq, what a fun question.
It’s hard to pick just one but Bianca Montgomery from All My Children was so crucial to how I connected to my identity that when the actress (Eden Riegel) retweeted a piece I wrote and affixed a warm message to it…that was the absolute best moment.
My ex called me and said, “My girlfriend just sent me a link to the 12 Queer Sex Positions of Christmas. I said, ‘My ex wrote that,’ and my girlfriend said, ‘Oh, of course they did.'”
https://develop.autostraddle.com/the-12-queer-sex-positions-of-christmas/
i mean, so many it’s like my entire life but also SHENNYSTRADDLE definitely stands out, what can compare to that epic day in lesbian american history, basically nothing??!!??!
Happy birthday Autostraddle!! (My birthday is on Wednesday and I’m very honored to share a birthday week with such an amazing website!)
I have a question/dilemma about being out at work. I work at a university research center and I’ve been here for the past 7 years almost (!!!)
I’m out to a few people here but I would say most probably don’t know that I’m gay. I want to start being a little more open about who I am just in my life in general, I think I have a natural tendency to be reserved but I want to stop cutting myself off from others so much. For context, I live in a large city in a conservative state, and working at a university in particular means that the people around me generally probably either wouldn’t care that I’m gay, or they would be actively supportive. Plus, our university prohibits employment discrimination based on sexual orientation, so I wouldn’t really be risking much by coming out.
Does anyone have any advice for how to go about letting people at work in on this secret that I’ve been keeping for the past 7 years!? Without making it a big deal… And/or advice on how I can reframe my thinking so that I’m not making this into such a big deal? Anyone else partially/mostly/entirely in the closet at work and want to commiserate?
Hi @marfy!
I found that the lowest key way to come out at work is by doing the thing all the straight people do, e.g. talk about your partner if you have one or talk about dates in a casual why. Like if someone asks “oh what are you up to this weekend” you can say “oh, I am going on a date with a woman I met at the coffee shop/on lex/whatever. We’re going to the museum/whatever.” And then just keep the conversation moving. If the person has tact they will make a mental note and also just keep the conversation moving.
In terms of re-framing your thinking – I guess you have to ask yourself why it feels like such a big deal in the first place? For instance, is it the fear of facing some kind of retributions or harassment or discrimination? Even if those things are probably ok at your campus, that fear is a realistic one to have, particularly given that you live in a conservative state. I find that acknowledging and naming my fears make them easier to confront and also then reframe however they were influencing my actions.
Another thing that helped me overcome making a big deal about coming out at work was by drawing a parallel with other aspects of my identity that I have gotten hassled, harassed, discriminated against, etc. by in various contexts in my life and thinking “well, I’ve survived that and you know there really is no hiding the fact that I’m not a white person and that I’m a woman.” That may not apply as equally in your situation but could also help with making your sexuality feel like less of a big deal if you think about it in the context of your identity as a whole.
Good luck!
when i was still navigating how to come out in certain spaces, I sometimes found it hard to organically do it verbally (esp with people like coworkers who I wasn’t necessarily socially close with) so I went the visual route and wore a queer pin on my jacket or used some sort of gay themed coffee mug lol. it’s a way to do it subtly/without having to divulge super personal details
Hi Mary! I also work in a university setting! I just allow it to come up organically in conversation. I have supervisees who are students and when we went through diversity training, I brought it up to them then so they all know. Some of my coworkers know that I’m queer and some don’t and honestly I’m not concerned whether they know or don’t know. The ones who know I’m queer probably have guessed from the amount of queer things I mention since I write for this website, I go to a queer book club after work sometimes, and I volunteer at an LGBTQ center. If you really want people to know, you could also indicate your queer identity to your coworkers by putting a corresponding flag on your cubicle, work desk, office door, etc or let your coworkers follow you on social media (if you post LGBT content). Just be sure that you’re ready for people to see this important part of you. In my opinion, it’s no one’s business unless I decide to mention it so don’t feel like you’re lying if you haven’t mentioned it already. Good luck!!
Thanks y’all for this excellent advice! You’ve inspired me to be on the lookout for subtle gay symbols I can bring into the workplace (I really like the mug idea) AND to take some of the pressure off of myself for not yet being out at work.
@Gaby Dunn should I do Emerson’s LA program? Also, how to survive Emerson in general? Also, Also Dana G. says hi 💖
@drewgregory1224 this is mostly for Drew but anyone else please feel free to chip in
OK!
I’m super serious about this
At the end of Generation Q Sophie’s obviously running to meet her grandma who’s out of hospital and taking her on holiday!
I’m not sure whether Sophie and her grandma are going to Hawaii, it would be pretty funny if they were because it would be super awkward for Dani to be there and Sophie to be ignoring her. Also sorry to Dani but I honestly think she might not notice Sophie’s grandma being at the same gate as her, or Sophie’s grandma might have been boarded first because she required special assistance. Alternatively Sophie and her grandma could be going somewhere else warm and beautiful. That’s my theory!
Sorry didn’t mean to make this a reply, will repost as a comment!
Hey! I never did the LA program as I didn’t major in film. For my friends who did do it, I think they found it worthwhile in the sense of gaining experience and getting to know the city but I don’t think it led to direct job offers. Emerson is a very ambitious place so I think you have to meet and find value in friendships that are about more than career networking which is hard to do there. I also think you need a hobby or activity that isn’t tied to your major. Just for a break from the ambition.
Thank you so much!!!
Happy birthday!
As a non-binary person who will be getting top surgery soon (!), I would love advice from other non-binary people who got top surgery! Any surprising recovery tips? Did you tell everyone in your life or just some? Do you swim without a shirt now? Did you choose to leave any tissue? Anything you feel comfortable sharing about your experience, I would love and greatly appreciate hearing about!
Hey Britt!
I had top surgery in Oct. 2018 and didn’t leave any tissue behind. I usually swim without a shirt now. (I didn’t have my shirt off in the sun for like six months so scars wouldn’t darken.) I went into surgery not super worried about how things would look after because I wasn’t super plotting to have my shirt off but after it was all said and done, I had my shirt off all the time lol. I’ve sort of chilled out now but prior to surgery, I never understood why people enjoyed having their shirts off regardless of gender or presentation. And then all of a sudden, I got it. But there was also a period of feeling disconnected from my body which I think went into the having the shirt off thing. Even though I had my shirt off, it didn’t feel like anything because it wasn’t really my chest. At this point, it definitely feels like my body again and I don’t even remember what it looked like before tbh. It’s a very healing experience.
I told my close friends and siblings that live in the same city I was having surgery. I wasn’t partnered at the time so those people were my main support system. I asked people to sign up for a “shift” the first week. Someone would stop by during the morning and someone else in the evening. I would also recommend someone being with you overnight the first two nights.
My recovery tips are sit the fuck down. I was surprised how little pain there is. But to ensure you heal up right, don’t push yourself. Stick to the timelines the doctors set because you’ll probably feel like you can do way more than you’re technically supposed to be doing. If you have any specific questions or follow ups, let me know.
Hello!!! I’m 12 weeks post op. A few things come to mind that Brittani hasn’t already mentioned including:
– Meal prep or have people bring you food in advance! Aim for nutritious and high-protein foods. Some surgeons ask for you to reduce sodium, others don’t think it’s a big deal. So above all, follow your doctor’s advice!
– Look at lots of pics and start thinking about what you want your chest to look like. My surgeon did leave some tissue to ensure a natural shape (e.g. to avoid a concave result) and I love love love the way it turned out. I was very clear that I wasn’t looking for a “masculine” chest, just a chest without boobs on it. My surgeon, Dr. Julian Winocour at Vanderbilt UMC in Nashville, has worked with a lot of nonbinary patients and totally got what I was asking for which was a huge gift.
– Ditto sitting the fuck down!! I watched three seasons of top chef and got really into crossword puzzles. Especially in the first two weeks, try to set up your life so as to be able to do NOTHING. Your bod will thank you.
– Accept that no matter how much you plan, ultimately your surgeon will do what they need to do to give you a good result, and your body will do what it needs to do to heal itself back up. My scars are quite long, going almost up into my armpits, which I wasn’t anticipating. It really freaked me out at first but now I love it. It’s all part of the story.
– Logistics – I am fortunate that my procedure was mostly covered by insurance, but I have been really surprised by how long it has taken for all my bills and everything to settle. I get like a new EOB (explanation of benefits) every week as the hospital and insurance co go back and forth. It’s been stressful (one time I got an EOB for like $2800 and I was like ????) mostly because I didn’t realize it would be such a lengthy process.
– Finally, you are worthy to have surgery because you want it. Hopefully you find yourself forced through minimal gatekeeping barriers, but no matter what anyone says, you get to do this if it’s what you need or want to feel your best.
You got this!!!
I am a nonbinary person who had top surgery three years ago.
I was and am pretty open about telling people, and I have been very much enjoying swimming in trunks!
My biggest recovery tip would be to stay put longer than you think you need to. For me, the pain diminished quite quickly, but my energy levels took a LONG time to recover. I went back to work after like a week, which was a terrible idea. Remember how much work your body is doing to heal and give yourself as much space as you can to chill. Also you’ll probably be pretty goofy on painkillers for a bit, so I’d pick out some silly/indulgent/relaxing tv shows to watch!
I came here to ask about top surgery so this is super helpful! Thank you all for sharing.
Thank you all so much for sharing with me! Queers supporting queers!!
Hi Autostraddle,
How do I be a writer while having a full time job and a family? How can I improve my writing and make time to write and get over writer’s block/anxiety/feeling like it’s trash and also find somewhere to publish my essays? What are good queer literary spaces/journals to submit writing to? Are there queer writing groups to join?
Thanks!
Hey Jasmine! These are all great questions. First off, I think developing a writing practice is really incredibly important if you’re in a situation where you have lots of other life commitments to attend to – for a majority of my writing career, I was working full time at a library and dealing with family and attending grad school while shoving in writing into the small moments of time I wasn’t sleeping. Discover a time that’s going to work best for you to write. Very early morning, before the day starts? Late night? Lunch break? Turn it into a habit. Writing is like developing a muscle. The more often we do it, the better we get at making art.
It’s also really incredibly easy to get down on ourselves about our writing. We are often our own harshest critics. Please know that you are not alone in this! Places that have published queer essays of mine (and giving me positive feedback about it) include spaces like Lit Hub and Electric Literature. Autostraddle (obviously) publishes great queer content. Lambda does great stuff (and they have a queer writing residency every August that is well worth your time to apply for). I’ve had great luck meetings and interacting with other queer writers on Twitter, as wild as that sounds!
Hi Jasmine, this may sound like silly, but in my experience having a regular social media presence was a great way to finetune my writing. It actually lead to me expanding my writing community and getting some of my first paid writing work here at AS! Also finding local writer’s groups with fellow women and queers was a major help. For the actual work, I’d say worry less about the big idea and it all being perfect and focus more on just regularly getting words on the page and pitching ideas you are passionate about (pieces of advice I wish I could take more often)
per the writer’s block/anxiety, although the title makes it sound a bit gimmicky i’ve found this book very helpful!
Hey, Jasmine!
The best thing I’ve done to improve my writing is to read everything out loud. That might look like reading an essay at open mic or storytelling show. I might look like reading aloud to your friends or to your cat. I find that when I’m reading aloud, I automatically make adjustments in my language that improve the flow and clarify what I’ve written.
Committing to a regular writing practice is HARD. I used to think that a “writing practice” meant sitting in front of a blank computer screen every morning, and that doesn’t work for me. I write daily, but “writing” doesn’t always look like typing away. Sometimes it looks like recording voice memos of writing ideas during my commute to my day job. Sometimes it look likes making lists or drafting a bunch of silly tweets. Find what works for you!
Hey Jasmine! There is a great group on Facebook for queer writers that I belong to. Ppl are very supportive and often there are editors /etc sharing requests for pitches. Send me a DM and we can add each other on Facebook and I’ll invite you.
I was very upfront with my fiancée on the first date that I never want kids. She always has, but said she is willing to give that up. We are completely in love, and everything else is amazing, but I’m terrified that she will come to regret the choice and resent me. I keep trying to talk myself into kids, but it just isn’t something I want. At all. We spend a lot of time with her amazing nieces, which helps, but is there anything else I can do?
You’re being upfront so she has no reason to resent you! I have never wanted kids and a lot of folks though I would change my mind with time. I haven’t. And I probably won’t. If you know, you know! I think all you can do is continue to check in, but don’t feel guilty for not wanting kids. Your partner is making a choice here and you have to trust her that she’s doing what’s best for her.
The way you put that helps a lot—I need to think about it in terms of trusting that she is being honest about her feelings, and I do trust her. So thinking of it that way makes it simple.
Have you talked to your fiancée about this more recently than your first date? If not, I would highly recommend you do so before you get married. Do not talk yourself into kids if you don’t want them. (As Clueless says, we divorce wives, not children.) If she still doesn’t want children to be a part of your marriage, then trust that.
Definitely! I phrased that poorly in the question. We talk about it regularly. Thank you for the advice!
A+ Clueless reference
I have also been upfront about not wanting kids, and it ended up being a big deal in two of my breakups. I strongly feel that the only people who should be having children are the ones who want them – who really, really, REALLY want kids – anything else is a disservice to a person who had no choice in who their parents are. Having a kid that you aren’t enthusiastic about is liable to leave you resentful, both of the child and your partner. Kids can sense that. Feeling unwanted by a parent is just the fucking worst. So don’t force yourself.
That said, my last partner started off wanting kids – plenty of arguments had there – but when we broke up for unrelated reasons, she had firmly decided that she wasn’t going to be a parent. It happens!
This is a super relevant question
How do I not move too fast with someone I’m just starting to casually hang out with? 😬 I have a tendency to get too attached and go overboard which I know is super unheard of around here…
actually vanessa wrote a great article about exactly this!!
https://develop.autostraddle.com/yes-virginia-queer-women-can-date-casually-heres-how-it-works-448206/
i think a big part of it is making sure you don’t incorporate them into your daily routines. like once somebody becomes the person you text “good morning” the second you wake up, you might be toast!!!
Thanks! This will be my lunchtime reading at work 😅
It might help to get too attached to hanging out with yourself! If you’re casually hanging out with someone new, and find yourself fixating or obsessing or trying to make the casual hangout all-encompassing, it’s worth examining whether you’re using that person in some way as escapism, to avoid being alone with your thoughts, or to avoid other things in your life. Getting just as excited to hang out with yourself (ideally more, but baby steps) as you are to hang out with someone new can be a way to both improve your relationship with yourself and give other relationships room to be what they will be.
Agree with what’s already been said, Monique! Hope you enjoy the article! I’d also suggest you spend time with friends when you feel you want to spend time with this new person. Mixing up the energy you are with can put a lot into perspective when it comes to how you feel around people. Maybe even make some new friends – new friend energy can feel just as great as new (potential) relationship energy! Keep that healthy balance of spending time with yourself and spending time with other people in check. You’ve got this!
ahhh yes i was just coming here to post the article i wrote that riese linked to! this is one of my favorite topics and i think about it a lot! i still stand by everything in my article and i think the additional responses are super useful, too. something to think about, for forever, i think, is making sure that no matter who or what is going on in our lives, we are always ‘dating’ ourselves. like, i’m my own primary! that language is annoying to some people (i get it, lol) but the idea is really, really sound. even though now, one year later, i am actually in a more serious relationship again – it’s not casual, though it evolved to not-casual in a very slow 12-month progression – i still make it a point to check in with myself and make sure i’m always being true to myself. i struggle a lot with co-dependency and, let’s be honest, even if you’re not a co-dependent person, there is something alluring about that RUSH of intensity that comes at the beginning of something new…but i’ve learned i can still have those nice new relationship energy endorphins while putting up good boundaries, creating good habits (like riese said, once you’re texting good morning every day it is not casual!), and setting myself and the possible connection up for success. happy to continue talking about this if you have follow up thoughts after lunch :) also yay for having a fun new casual babe in your life!
Happy birthday thank you and I love you, I wouldn’t be the same person without you, truly.
So, the question is: my wonderful hot lovely and amazing boyfriend is getting (back) into Catholicism and I want to go with him in this thing that he finds comfort in, but I don’t know how. He comes from a biracial family (black mom, white dad) which is very religious, like church every Sunday and stuff. His relationship with his parents, especially his mother, is not so great. He’s a trans guy and when she “found out” he was a “lesbian” (at first) there was trouble – she ignored it and hoped it would go away, and never acknowledged what she called his “friends”. When he came out as trans there was double trouble and their relationship has been strained. It is painful to know that his parents both still misgender him constantly and to see what it does to him. When exposed to this he gets anxious, his boundaries become more permeable, it’s like they wash him away and he becomes insure of himself and starts doubting even the steadiest of convictions, even his gender identity (which is pretty fucking settled).
We’ve been together for 1,5 years. We don’t speak each others languages (we both speak English though). His parents both live abroad, his mother on a different continent (his parents are still officially together, but his father is “secretly” gay, so much going on!). So he doesn’t see them often, especially his mother. His father tentatively starts to like me (we met around my bf’s top surgery, interesting) and works on the correct use of pronouns and names but his mother almost wouldn’t come to her mother-in-laws funeral because I would be there, and she definitely isn’t there yet.
Most of the time we’re “safely abroad” in our queer bubble, when he calls with his mother there’s always little weird stuff, but it’s manageable. Last summer he went to visit his mother and I felt like I was feeding him to the wolves but apparently it was “fine”. She “even” gendered him correctly once or twice, which made me feel less like I just fed him to the wolves but still, like, to the dogs?
Back to the question of Faith: I don’t know how to support him. I’m an artist who isn’t afraid of her spiritual side, I was raised lighty catholic in a white extremely normative family but rejected both the church and their norms around my 18th. I have a desire to connect to transcendental stuffs (which I explore in my work) but I’m deeply suspicious of institutions in general (which I also explore in my work). This is ok, but I want to actually be supportive of my love and not be weird and awkward when talking about him going to mass (or even becoming a priest! He talked about that). He tells me that he isn’t doing it for his family, and I see that it gives him comfort.
So I guess, what I want to ask: how to relate yourself so your (or someone else’s) intense church background? How can I support my boyfriend reconnecting to his faith in a not-toxic way, without being afraid that abyss will open up and swallow him? Do you think I’m over-protective? Help, and thank you!
Hello! I am the more religious person in my relationship, and this has definitely been something my spouse and I have had to navigate on a pretty continual basis. So my first piece of advice is that this is not going to be a one-and-done conversation. It’s something that will continue to shift and change for both of you! You’ll probably have to try a lot of stuff out, together and separately, to get a clear sense of what you are interested in exploring, what your boundaries are, what feels right, what feels bad. Sometimes you will need different things and it might hurt or lead to one of you feeling alienated or isolated. It will suck! And you will move through it. My spouse and i have found a couple of spiritual practices that we both found grounding, but church is 80% something I do on my own. This didn’t feel ok at first, but now we’ve found some normalcy and mutual encouragement within our patterns.
About the abyss — hopefully it won’t be a problem, but either way it’s not today’s problem. If you can, don’t frame the next steps and conversations around trying to avoid the abyss. Just be where y’all are right now.
I enthusiastically recommend Austen Hartke’s book Transforming: The Bible and the Lives of Transgender Christians. It’s a beautiful book that explores the narratives of many different trans folks as they figure out how to engage with scripture and faith life. It would probably be a great read for both of y’all!
Good luck <3
Thank you so much for your beautiful advice, I’m ordering that book right now
I don’t write for AS, but I am queer and still Catholic, so I thought I’d chime in here.
For some specifically Catholic content, I’d recommend Fr. James Martin’s book Building a Bridge and the New Ways Ministry blog, Bondings. The book is fairly short and sweet, and I’d recommend it to his family (if they read English or it’s translated) as well as to you two. There are some suggested Bible passages with reflection/discussion questions at the back, mostly for LGBT people with the occasional question for family members, so maybe it could help his mom.
The blog has news (both positive and negative), opinion pieces, and spiritual reflections (during Lent, for instance, there are spiritual reflections each Sunday, submitted by readers): https://www.newwaysministry.org/blog/ The New Ways Ministry website also has a list of LGBTQ-friendly Catholic parishes and faith communities, in case you are feeling protective about that.
Thank you for the resources, this really helps
Any advice on moving on from someone you almost dated but never actually did?
She likes me and I like her but we’re in very different places in our lives and I think it’s time to accept it’s not gonna happen and move on. I’d prefer if we didn’t have to stop being friends too but I’m having a hard time getting the what if question and feelings out of my head.
Shit didn’t mean to do this as a reply. Just a new question
@alexmd i answered this for you downthread <3
Anyone have a favorite place to get LGBTQ+ news outside of Autostraddle?
Whoops, screwed this up too just like the last person, lol
I don’t wanna call anyone out here but no one has asked me a single question about true crime OR haircuts.
A, how much of an undercut should I get tomorrow?
GO BIG OR GO HOME.
Yes or no to shaving an ahegao anime girl into the back of my head? It’s that, human teeth Sonic, or the word TWINK
Omg plz shave twink into your undercut
100% here for twink.
Who do you think killed JonBenét Ramsey?
P A T S Y .
Favorite haircut on a True criminal pleeeeeaaaasssseee @alyssathrills
THIS IS THE BEST QUESTION I’VE EVER BEEN ASKED? i have to think hard. will report back.
what is the best product to make thick wavy hair stick up in a fun quiff?
If you’re a 20 year old closeted queer girl, and you want a gay haircut, but you don’t want to scare your heteronormative parents, what do you start off with?? I want to ease them into the idea of me not being straight, but I also want to be more visible to my fellow ladies.
Yes I’m here to support you in the complexities of queer sex, BDSM, polyamory, and crushes, but also ASK ME ABOUT VIDEOGAMES AND ANIME.
@thegaychingy ok but should I play breath of the wild or not THOUGH?????!!!
I firmly believe Link is a woman. so yes support women.
The girl I’m dating really likes it. So does St Vincent. She played it for hundreds of hours!
i thought this said “breath play of the wild” and i was really impressed how quickly you combined bdsm and video games
MY TWO PASSIONS
how do you feel about horizon zero dawn?!
I. Freaking. LOVE. HorizonZeroDawn! I kept pretending I was playing as Tori Amos
I haven’t played it yet but i own it at the top of my digital “must play” pile! Damn I’m getting hit on all the ones I haven’t played
Are you a Mass Effect fan? Would you want another game in the series? A remaster of the trilogy?
hi, hello! happiest birthday, autostraddle!
I finally bought a paid subscription just so I could submit this question.
I’m an out lesbian and have been for at least five years now. I am in my late twenties. I come off confident in a lot of aspects of my life, but I lack confidence when it comes to finding a partner. I’ve had two sexual encounters with two women I had known or met online – both relationships happened almost two years ago. I never have dated or been on apps – even when I’ve made apps, I quickly deleted. I’ve been able to work through all the nasty self-hatred bullshit most of us feel, so I’m way more comfortable being myself and have even had a date that looked like it was going to lead to intimacy…but it didn’t. I don’t mind that it didn’t, but my problem is this: even though I’ve become more accepting of my desires, when I am asked if I am dating or seeing anyone, I immediately start to panic and have a minor panic attack. I become terse, I start to get shaky, and I often cry. A friend over the weekend asked me this and I haven’t stopped panicking about this answer. I just am not sure what to do. I have a therapist (who is queer, which was a big reason I started going to her) but I have trouble articulating my problem.
I know that I have issues with intimacy. I know that I’ve always been the shy queer girl who desperately wants that extra-long hug from her best friend, but is afraid to say why. I have an idea of what I want in a partner and I know I would be a great girlfriend. I just can’t help freaking the fuck out when the attention is put on me. Any thoughts or feedback would be great!
xoxo
Hi @satisfythecrave!
This is so difficult. There are a lot of aspects of what you wrote that I feel I can relate with in some way, so while I can’t give you any definitive “advice” I want to (a) commiserate and (b) offer some thoughts on things that I am also working on.
It’s really great that you are working with a therapist! There definitely are things that I struggle to talk about with my therapist and/or just outright avoid all while knowing that the whole reason I’m paying a ridiculous amount of money to be in therapy is to really work on those things…. The only thing I can say is to be gentle with yourself on this but also nudge yourself VERY VERY GENTLY from time to time. I’ve had multiple sessions with my therapist where we talk about “the thing I don’t want to talk about” (without ever talking about it in specific terms) and I think that’s been helpful in its own way because it’s allowed me to examine some of my emotions around the topic without having to discuss it before I’m able or ready to.
This might be completely out of left field so feel free to ignore but, given that I do relate with some of what you’re describing around what happens when people ask you about dating, etc. – have you examined how shame has or has not played a role in your life? I’m specifically talking about the way desire (and women’s desire even more specifically) is viewed in the culture you were raised in. For instance, this article is particular to South Asian culture but, based on things other people have shared with me / things I’ve read I think some of these frameworks probably exist in other cultures as well: https://www.bitchmedia.org/article/indian-women-memoir-writing-shame
I bring up shame because I have had to (and continue to) do a lot of work around the way I internalized shame in order to overcome some of my feelings of apprehension when it comes to relationships and part of what I’m picking up on is your description as the “shy queer girl who desperately wants that extra-long hug from her best friend, but is afraid to say why.” So that observation about shame may or may not be relevant to you.
I wish I could offer you something more concrete and helpful! Good luck and also know that you’re not alone in struggling with the feelings you’re describing!
Hi! Thank you so much for your question and for trusting all of us enough to ask it here. Right off the top, I will say that I am by no means a mental health professional, so this is all informal advice. But as someone who struggled with confidence in this area for a long time too, I do want you to know that you are ABSOLUTELY NOT ALONE in that, or in having some unexpected reactions to it bubble up when you rather they… not.
I want to emphasize how great it is that you have a therapist already. Because that would be my first suggestion if you weren’t already on that path! Here’s something to ask yourself: why do you think you have trouble articulating the problem to her? Because to be honest, I think you have articulated it pretty well here. Have you told her what you just told us? If not, maybe print this comment off and read it to her. That may sound silly, but you give a clear account here of what is happening, what questions trigger an unwanted response in you, and what exactly that response is. She needs all of that information in order to help you figure out a way forward (which is, by the way, her job). I am a firm believer that in situations like this, a great therapist really is the best ally in terms of not only treating the symptoms you’re feeling now, but also untangling out the stuff that lies beneath (the “issues with intimacy.”)
If you’re not comfortable talking with her about this, I’d ask yourself why: is it because she’s been dismissive when you’ve tried to bring it up in the past? Do you feel like she will judge you for it? Are you just not that comfortable being vulnerable in front of another person (solidarity on that, btw)? I’d see if you can figure out some answers to those questions and then be honest with her about them, too. You deserve to let her know how you feel, especially if she needs to make adjustments accordingly. I always have a hard time *really* opening up to my therapists at first (we’re talking months, not days or weeks) and the quality of our work together always improved once I just put all my cards on the table and said “I haven’t felt comfortable opening up about it before, but this is what’s happening, and this is where I want to be instead. How can we get there together?”
And hey, look: it’s also okay to look into other therapists if you feel like you’ve tried everything on this front and yours just isn’t getting it.
In terms of what to ask yourself as you consider this further, I would see if you can figure out, without judgment, more about what exactly causes these questions to hit your panic button. Is it because the answer is “no” and you wish it was “yes”? Is it because you feel like people are pressuring you when they ask this stuff? Is it because you don’t like attention in general? Those are just examples, but I think trying to break this down a little further (again, without judging whether any answer is “good” or “bad”–you’re just trying to get more info) will help make it more manageable rather than A GIANT MYSTERY PROBLEM. Be kind to yourself as you explore, because you’re putting in the important work that will, indeed, make you a better partner when the time comes–but even more importantly, help you better understand yourself and what you need.
My questions if kind of two parts. So I’m currently trying to write a memoir about life as a young adult but am struggling off and with writer’s block/general writing frustrations like accessing the emotion of what I’m writing about rather than just relaying information. I try to do something a friend suggest “don’t think, just write”, but are then any tips or tricks to overcome writer’s block?
The second part is that I feel like I need a support network of more writer’s in my life but I’m not sure how to get that. Suggestions on where to find writer friends/supports would also be appreciated. Thanks!
All writers are different so I’ve definitely found that solutions to writers block can vary from person to person, but here are some things that have definitely worked for me: long walks or activities that allow me to just be alone with my thoughts; sometimes I also find it helps to work on more than one project at once so that when I hit a wall with one, I can switch gears to the other (this is especially effective if they are different kinds of writing like memoir vs fiction). But also the number one solution I have for writer’s block is just to read. if I’m not reading, I can’t write. and again I think it can be useful to switch up genres (so since you’re working on memoir, maybe read short fiction! or poetry! it will get your brain working!). reading and writing are inextricably connected!
as for finding fellow writers, I really do believe twitter is the easiest way! but if you’re not a social media person, attending local literary events is great too. if your town has an independent bookstore maybe start there and see what kind of programming/events they offer!
Hey Jules!
To address the first part of your question, sometimes I think it’s helpful to think of the thing from a different perspective. Instead of writing into the emotion or relaying the information, maybe try some approaches that force your brain to look at it in a different way. A (prescriptive) example might be to think about one of the scenes from the point of view of all five senses. Put yourself PHYSICALLY in the place; it can help reorient you in the moment in scene. Another idea would be to approach it from an outside perspective. How would someone on the periphery of these events view them? These kind of prompts can sometimes jog our brain and help leap the hurdle over the block. Reading also helps us in this way. Try reading genres outside of what you’re currently working in – for myself, when I’m doing novel work, I read a lot of poetry. I’m able to think in images that way.
A network of writers is very important! Online is a great place (I’ve made so many good writer friends through Twitter), but it’s always great to try and get involved in local community events. Is there a reading series where you are? Arts events? These are good places to meet other writers in the same spot as you!
So, when I’m struggling to write a recap, I actually start with just relaying exactly what happened. Sometimes it helps to just to get words down on the page and make progress towards your word count so it’s helpful. After that, I’ll go back through…delete unnecessary details and add personal color. So I wouldn’t discount your method entirely; it’s a good place to start. If I can use a sports analogy: it’s a lot like shooting free throws when you’re having a bad shooting game; sometimes it helps just to see the ball go in the basket.
That said, I feel like I should ask: do you feel like you’ve grappled with these emotions enough that accessing them should come easier or is the fact that you can’t access them easily proof that you haven’t fully tackled those emotions? It’s worth considering, I think, and might impact how you progress on this memoir going forward.
Kayla and Kristen have offered some great ways to build a network but I’d also encourage you to see about a local network where you live. I was involved with a writers’ group in DC and there’s one in North Carolina — creatively called the NC Writers Network — that hosts events and offers critique and editing services, among other things. Maybe there’s something like that near you?
Happy birthday! I’m looking for resources for parents of queer kids for non-English speakers, particularly video or audio (as opposed to written), and particularly in Cantonese, Vietnamese, or Cambodian. Anybody got anything?
Hi @westwood! Unfortunately, these are not video/audio but PFLAG NYC has an API project with some resources: http://www.pflagnyc.org/support/api
I’m not on social media, but you can try checking their facebook and other social media to see what other content/resources they post there that potentially might include non-written content.
sorry, should’ve looked up all my stuff first before replying! Also check out the Asian Pride Project (they have a website and social media as well))
@westwood have you checked out NQAPIA’s resources? They have a ton of multilingual leaflets. https://www.nqapia.org/wpp/multilingual-fact-sheets/ No video/audio unfortunately.
Thank you everyone!!!
NQAPIA has great resources!!!!
Hello Gaby Dunn (absolutely adore you and all of your work xo) and fellow Bisexuals,
I am currently in a straight-passing relationship, but both me and my cis-male partner are bi. Most of my friends are queer and I’ve always felt at home in the queer community – until now. Ever since I’ve been in my current relationship, I’ve felt disconnected from queer community and its really taking its toll on me. My queerness is a huge part of who I am and my work, but I feel like an intruder in queer spaces now. I feel like I have to explain myself every time I mention my partner using “he” pronouns and when we’re together we get cast into the nebulous “allies” category.
My question is: How do I reconnect with my queerness and queer community while in this relationship? And how do I handle acknowledging the privilege and safety of being in a straight-passing relationship gives me, while still pushing back against bi-erasure in queer spaces?
Hello!!
As you know, you experience the world as a bisexual person 100 percent of the time, and this is not contingent on who you are partnered with. I think you know that but it bears repeating. The LGB+ experience of identity-based oppression cannot be reduced to how people react when we’re holding our partner’s hand!
A couple thoughts –
– find bi+ specific gatherings or groups! Bi community is great.
– Wear bi-dentity-related pins, t shirts, jewelry etc. The bi flag color scheme is a struggle but there are some pretty permutations on etsy and shit
– Remember that you don’t owe anyone an explanation about the gender configuration of your relationship, but if someone raises an eye at you having a male partner, just be like “I’m bisexual ever heard of it?!!” or the less confrontational “Oh yeah, I’m bi :) haha anyway back to what I was saying!”
Also, and I say this with extraordinary gentleness and compassion because I have been there, it seems like, from your framing, that this could be mostly a burden you are putting on yourself rather than based on pushback or dismissiveness from others. Is internalized biphobia is showing up as you move through this change in dynamics? Give yourself the gift of processing that shit and letting it go. It’s not true. You are still you and you are still queer enough and you still belong.
“the Bi flag color scheme is a struggle” lol love u Adrian
Hi Adrian,
Thank you so much for this response! I adore you too now!
I really needed to hear what you had to say about my own internalized bi-phobia. I’m going to definitely start checking in with myself when I feel like I’m not welcome in a queer space and notice if its others or myself that’s making me feel that way. I think both you and I know what the answer will be most of the time. And then I’m going to remind myself that Adrian said “you are still you and you are still queer enough and you still belong.” And move forward with all my Bi pride!
Hi Lily!
Ugh, I feel you on this so hard. It can be rough out there, navigating the bisexual in between space. It really sucks to not feel at home in your own community. I know for me it’s been tricky trying to figure out which times there actually is biphobia happening in a space and which times it’s just me worrying in my head that others are judging / assuming things about me when actually they’re not at all. Some of this is just working with my own internalized biphobia which is a constant struggle for me (see the non-fiction book I recommend below for help on that!).
You said you feel like you have to explain yourself verbally when you talk about your partner and when the two of you are together at queer events. This might feel like a small thing, but do you have any non-verbal cues you can use to indicate your queerness when you’re in queer spaces? I have honestly felt so much more comfortable when I have my Autostraddle “Bi Bi Bi” shirt or my “Still Bisexual after all these years” shirt on. I have worn them to the last few years of Pride events and it has totally made a difference in my comfort level. There are also some really cute bi pins if you want something more subtle. (If you are into not subtle, I have also seen people with amazing bisexual flag coloured hair). One bonus that on top of not having to explain that you’re bi to people who might be assuming you’re straight, wearing something like that also signals your kinship to other bi+ people. I have a very fond memory of walking around Pride a few years ago with my bi shirt and having a different gender couple (who I’m sure others were assuming were straight allies) come up to me and say hi fellow bisexual! We love your shirt. Check out the shirts here: https://www.hellomerch.com/collections/autostraddle
This brings me to my other idea that I am trying to implement in my own life, which is trying to cultivate relationships specifically with other bi+ people. Your partner is bi too which is already an awesome start! You said most of your friends are queer–how many of them are bi+ specifically? Can you find solidarity and support with other bi+ people who are experiencing or have experienced the same thing?
And finally since I am the lesbrarian (or bibrarian in this case) I would also like to recommend books! Books can be an awesome way of connecting with your own queerness. I recently read Small Change by Roan Parrish which is an m/f romance with a bi heroine who is very much still a part of the queer community in her work and personal life and I found it super validating and just very fun. I highly recommend it! (PS if you want other m/f romances with bi women characters, I wrote this list for Book Riot: https://bookriot.com/2019/10/11/queer-pansexual-bisexual-women-in-m-f-romance-10-books-to-read-right-now/). I also found the non-fic book Bi: Notes for a Bisexual Revolution by Shiri Eisner life-changing and inspiring.
Good luck out there! And of course Autostraddle is a wonderful online queer community space that you already know of–I hope you see us as an outlet for queer community, and bi community in particular, as well. <3
Casey!
Thank you soooooooo much! I’m a huge fan of you and everything you do now (definitely spent sometime stalking your lesbrarian stuff after reading this comment!).
It sounds like based on everyone’s suggestions I need to deck myself out in some bi gear! What a great excuse to do some shopping haha. Your book reccs are also amazing! I don’t know why I didn’t think of books! I generally read anything and everything I can get my hands on as a way of coping with my life problems, but didn’t even think of it as a solution to my own internalized bi-phobia because my internalized bi-phobia was/is so bad it didn’t cross my mind that there would be books dealing with this. Silly me! Thanks for setting me (not so) straight :)
And of course I see Autostraddle as a welcoming queer community, including bi community! Its the one place I’ve always felt welcome and included. That’s why I felt comfortable asking my question here! I’m excited to keep engaging with the Autostraddle community.
Omgggggg. This is a huge struggle for me too, and when I’ve been dating men I have definitely lost friends and connections. The assumption is always, “Ugh she might bring her boyfriend around” and my assumption is always that he’s not welcome, even if he’s also queer. It’s a big problem where other queer people are concerned to just assume people are straight when they may not be, but also I totally get not wanting to hang out with men, even queer ones. I truly have not found the answer for this. I am very vocal about being bisexual — shirts, pins, just general loudness. I also try and go to queer events alone and focus on friends, even though I know that if I had a girlfriend she’d most likely be invited too. It sucks. I don’t have an answer, but I relate so hard.
Wowwwww, thank you so much for commiserating! Honestly, it is very affirming to hear that my fav bicon can relate to my feelings. I’m definitely going to follow your example and be louder, something I excel at in most other areas of my life lol. It does suck to not be able to share queer community with my partner, but I also totally get the need to have women/non-binary only spaces. So I’m going to follow your advice and join those spaces, guilt free, with my femme friends. Thanks, again!
If growing-up I hated Golden Eye and loved Tony Hawk what should I be playing now?
They still make Tony Hawk games! Also I hear Skate XL is great! what other games do you like?
I don’t play a lot of video games but am curious if I’d enjoy playing them. These days it’s just a lot of puzzle games on my phone (and recently because apparently I’m very old I’m back into solitaire)
Did you not even love Golden Eye on slapper mode?!! I don’t know how to respond to that.
I’m not sure what slapper mode is sorry. I’m aware it’s a very unpopular option based on the amount of Golden Eye games I had to watch but just not my thing. I promise I have other good qualities :)
It’s when you are unarmed and are left only with your bare hands to fight with, and the animation is very slap-happy!
Typically I was never a fan of first-person shooters at all, but I do have a soft spot for Goldeneye. As someone that used to play a lot of games but no longer does, the main thing I’ve made an exception for in recent years is Zelda: Breath of the Wild, which does not involve skate-boarding but you can slide around on your shield so maybe that would fulfil your skating needs.
lol ok slapper mode sounds awesome
Just got off work and can’t wait to devote all my emotional energy to this
@drewgregory1224 this is mostly for Drew but anyone else please feel free to chip in
OK!
I’m super serious about this
At the end of Generation Q Sophie’s obviously running to meet her grandma who’s out of hospital and taking her on holiday!
I’m not sure whether Sophie and her grandma are going to Hawaii, it would be pretty funny if they were because it would be super awkward for Dani to be there and Sophie to be ignoring her. Also sorry to Dani but I honestly think she might not notice Sophie’s grandma being at the same gate as her, or Sophie’s grandma might have been boarded first because she required special assistance. Alternatively Sophie and her grandma could be going somewhere else warm and beautiful. That’s my theory!
I LOVE this theory. I would be a bit more hopeful for it coming to fruition if Dani had suggested they go somewhere other than Hawaii so Sophie and her grandma were free to take their dream vacation. I’m tempted to also bring up the cost of last minute flights, but if Finley can afford it I guess Sophie’s grandma can too!
Logic is not the show’s strongest quality so you know what I see no reason why this couldn’t be what happens. lol
Agreed on all counts! I absolutely have my fingers crossed for this.
Omg, please let this be true I love it
Hi! Happy Birthday! Last week I found out that my girlfriend of 8 years cheated on me (again) and lied to me about it (again). I was willing to forgive after the first offense (which happened 4 years into our relationship) but I really don’t think it makes sense to give her a third chance. I’ve moved out of our apt and am now staying with friends. I guess I was just looking for advice on stuff to read or some confirmation that I’m doing the right thing by leaving her. I know that I’m better than that but 8 years is a long time. She seems to think we are just separated but I’m not trying to deal with that shit any more. So yea. I dunno. Cheers
@severalseas you are doing the absolute right thing.
She hurt you several times, you checked in with yourself and you’re moving forward as best as you can.
The main step I think it’s that quite soon you need to meet up with her, in a neutral space, and let her know this is not a separation those is a break-up.
My mama always says you don’t need to Always explain yourself but I’ll give you a little twist and say that you can let her know she hurt you deeply, that you can’t do this again or anymore, lightly explain why and then tell her your boundaries.
Once you have all your stuff out the old place and have ended any other ties you have (bank accounts, other tangible items) then it’s just you continuing to reset, work on yourself and move on.
I’m also excited for you to find a space that’s yours where you can start over, whatever that means to you. I’m sorry you got hurt again, you NEVER deserved that and it’s gonna be a hard moment to pull through but we got you bb.
Okay first of all, I am very sorry that this all happened to you. I tried to stay with a girlfriend who had an affair three years into our relationship, and I often wish I had gotten out of the situation sooner than I did (I tried to make it work for about 7 months). I had plenty of people in my life telling me to leave her, but it still took me a while to make the break/had to do it at my own pace. But if you’re already at the place where you want to leave her and you’re asking for confirmation that you’re doing the right thing, I can tell you right now that yes YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING. This is clearly a pattern of hers. Three chances is a lot of chances! And yes, 8 years is a long time, but that’s not a reason to stay with someone, especially since the pattern is likely to continue! If you don’t want to deal with that shit, then absolutely don’t deal with that shit. When I finally got out of my relationship, I saw IMMEDIATE effects on my self esteem, confidence, happiness, and well being.
As for reading recommendations, if you want to read books that detail lying/betrayal/manipulation in queer relationships but also someone GETTING OUT of that situation, I highly recommend the memoirs In The Dream House by Carmen Maria Machado and Abandon Me by Melissa Febos.
Wow. I’m about to deep dive into your For Your Consideration column. Listening to a song over and over and over is my THING. I appreciate your advice and also you sharing your experience.
@severalseas i just want to hop in and also validate that you are absolutely making the right choice. i am so sorry this happened to you, and i’m sorry this has been a pattern for your partner. like shelli and kayla both confirmed, you didn’t do anything to deserve this, her behavior is not okay, and you are doing the right thing to leave because you have decided it is time to leave. eight years is a long time, yes, but the length of our relationships don’t dictate if we have to stay in them or not. i’m really happy for you that eight years from now you will have built a life that doesn’t include someone who lies to you and doesn’t treat you with the respect and care you deserve.
co-signing the books kayla recommended, and also gonna go ahead and suggest kayla’s break-up column on this very website, which it is very cute she didn’t recommend herself: https://develop.autostraddle.com/for-your-consideration-for-your-consideration-442895/! and i also always suggest cheryl strayed, specifically tiny beautiful things, because it helped me leave a couple of different times when i was scared to leave.
you’re making the right choice. you’re gonna be okay. you’re gonna be more than okay. <3
You’re right, it was very cute that she didn’t recommend herself. I’m gonna read the crap out of that column tonight. Thank you for the recommendation and your advice.
Shelli and Kayla have offered some great advice, @severalseas, but I just wanted to chime in to say you are absolutely doing the right thing.
And, honestly, I’m proud as hell of you for for doing it.
It’s a scary thing to step out of a relationship, especially one that’s persisted for this long…but you deserve happiness and the security of knowing your girlfriend values you in the same way you value her.
Happy birthday my dear Autostraddle
Love you lots and lots
THANK YOU CARMEN SANDIEGO WE LOVE YOU TOO
💜♥️💋💋💜♥️♥️
♥️♥️♥️
Love you more, Carms!
No, YOU hang up first.. no, you.
Happy Birthday! I love and appreciate all of you <3
My question is, how do you get over a breakup with someone who found out was Very, Very Bad? My ex is an anti-vaxxer (which is bad enough since I and my entire family work in healthcare), and in the course of fighting about it she let me know she thought my mother was stupid for not aborting my (autistic) brother. I know I made the right decision by breaking up with her, but now in addition to the normal breakup stuff ("will I be alone forever?", "should I shave my head and move to a farm in Austria?", etc.) I'm also wondering how I could have missed that she was like that and doubting my instincts.
HI HAPPY BIRTHDAY AUTOSTRADDLE HAPPY PURIM HAPPY MONDAY I JUST GOT HERE AND WOW I AM EXCITED TO ANSWER SOME QUESTIONS LAY IT ON ME BABES SEE YOU IN THE COMMENTS AKA RIGHT HERE THIS VERY MOMENT!!! <3
Fully obsessed with your incredible enthusiasm for all things bb
wow it’s like you know the literal direct way to my heart <3 <3 <3
HAPPY PURIM TO YOU TOO!
Stuff like this is why I love — nay, am obsessed with Autostraddle.
I’m a journalist (TV news, off-camera) living & working in my hometown in Mississippi, and I’m looking to make the leap to move to pursue a career and life in Los Angeles soon — hopefully inside a year. (It’s definitely not solely because it looks like so much fun on Gen Q / The (Original) L Word 👀)
I know many of y’all are living, laughing, loving in LA — and are transplants.
What are your biggest takeaways from your moving experience? What was harder than you expected? Easier? How does anyone afford to live in LA?! 😅(Also lowkey seeking reassurance that it’s not too late for me to move / start fresh — I just turned 30. 😬)
@-ing people who live in LA — Riese, Drew, Gaby
Thanks all!! Love y’all for real
Obligatory video
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pxnf6CrTTYI
This is… incredible.
Congratulations on considering this move! I really love LA – as much as it would have surprised me to say that a year ago.
I think the biggest challenge moving here as a non-cis-male queer person is there aren’t a lot of consistent designated spaces. Everything is so spread out and there simply aren’t any queer bars even if you were trying to stumble on something. BUT I’ve found that queer people here more than make up for that with their openness and generosity. It takes a bit of work, but if you just do some research and seek out the monthly parties – or if parties aren’t your thing then screenings, book clubs, art exhibits, cooking classes, etc etc – I think you’ll be delighted with the community here. It just takes going to things and talking to people and being patient. But, in my experience, once you do that people are really eager to bring you into their circles and invite you to more things.
As far as how to afford it here… I don’t know! Sometimes I don’t! Or, barely do, I guess I should say. I don’t have a car and get by with public transit alright. I first lived a bit out of the city with one roommate, but ultimately decided I preferred to live more centrally located with more roommates. I was coming from New York, so I was familiar with the “how are any of us doing this” vibe, but I really do think it’s doable! And worth it!
Also Gaby and Riese are more qualified to say this age-wise, but oh my God 30 is so young! Of course it’s not too late to move!
Drew! Thank you so much; this is really helpful. Queer community is definitely my top priority, so it’s awesome to hear that it’s find-able! Appreciate you taking the time to respond!!
first of all it is NOT too late for you to start fresh at all! and i think general social webs have huge variances in age, i feel like my friends range in age from like 25 to 40.
a lot of / most of the gays live in the echo park / silver lake / los feliz area, but i chose west hollywood because it’s super walkable and bikeable (not a lot of hills, and a lot of things within walking/biking distance). probably the main way i save money is walking / biking as much as i can, since parking in this city can literally cost $2 for 15 minutes. you have to pay to park at Target to spend money! But ultimately it is hard to live here without a steady income. Also it’s wild the disparity in income within friend groups, i have friends who make $20k and friends who make $200k, i feel like intra-social-group class differences are wider here than anywhere else i’ve lived.
compared to finding housing in the bay area and new york city, two places i’d previously lived, finding housing here was much easier BUT i imagine compared to any other market it would be much harder. (i live with a roommate (erin who you may recall from venues such as this website!) in a 2br/2ba.) we were moving here in december, which actually was a great time to be looking for a place because nobody else was (the holidays, etc) so people were more desperate. it has been easier to have a dog than i expected! it’s a very dog-friendly city, everybody just walks around with these tiny dogs i think would get trampled in new york or kicked out of the grocery store in michigan.
i think i definitely expected it to be hard, so i’m not sure that my expectations were met or not. one thing though is that almost everybody here is usually looking for new friends. everybody postures on their social media and they seem cool and like they have 100 friends and don’t want more, but it’s all smoke and mirrors. everybody is a little lonely sometimes!
Riese you’re an incredible human and everything you write is art the end. Srsly though thank you for taking the time to share those thoughts; that’s all so helpful!! I’d been thinking of the age/money/housing disparities as daunting, but they sound surmountable, which is v cool!! Autostraddle dot com is a haven and a balm for my weary soul and makes me want to use multiple exclamation points I guess!!! Thank you again!
Hi! I realize I’m not one of the LA dwellers you listed but I *am* a native Angeleno who just moved back to town after some time away. I’ll let the actual transplants take the lead in terms of nitty gritty logistical advice (though I will say this: moving anywhere, even just to another floor in your same building, is a pain in the ass, so solidarity and I applaud you for wanting to take this leap!).
What I can tell you is that it’s absolutely not too late to want to move or start fresh. If you’re feeling the pull, you owe it to yourself to see that through. As Riese said, social circles span age ranges, especially among queer people. And also I just uprooted everything to move back here and I’m 31, so if I’m not too late, you’re definitely not either.
As a noted Virgo and total planner, I highly recommend breaking down this decision into smaller, more actionable ones as much as you can; with a city that can feel very daunting, it’s important to not just try to do the whole thing in one shot. Also, if you haven’t ever visited here, I STRONGLY recommend you do that–especially because the name of the game with living in LA as far as I’m concerned, is NEIGHBORHOODS. “Los Angeles” as both a concept and a geographic area is gigantic, and your experience here will largely depend on which neighborhood(s) you live and work in. You may not also like or need the same things from your neighborhood as other people would assume.
Regardless of whenever this happens for you, LA is a wonder and you’ll learn a ton. Best of luck on the journey!!
Carrie thank you so much for your words; I welcome advice from all!! The breaking-it-down thing is really smart and helpful, and it’s cool to hear you’re a native Angeleno who’s back in town! I’m lucky enough to have a sister who lives in LA, so I’ve gotten to explore a bit — but her moving circumstances were vastly different than mine will be (she relocated with her husband & they both had secured v good jobs) so that’s why I asked here: more folks in a similar life place as me (and also: gay) 😅 thank you thank you for the advice & the luck!! 🍀
It’s never too late!!! My parents are 70something and trying to move to the desert. You can do whatever, whenever.
It was hard for me to find an area I wanted to be in because I had no concept of the different neighborhoods, so if you can, maybe hang out in a few before you commit to a place to live. There are plenty that are walkable and maybe you won’t need a car, but also sus out if a car is worth it vs. can you bike or lyft to where you need to go? Also, people in LA hang out at each other’s houses way more than any other place I’ve lived so it’s nice to invest in a good couch or TV because I end up just having people come over to hang out, which is way more affordable. There doesn’t seem like it, but there actually is a lot of free stuff that is very fun. I also like the queer community here better than I have in any other place I’ve lived but maybe that has to do with my age and growing up.
Gaby! Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts! I, too, hope to be cool enough to relocate to the desert in my seventies! Love to hear that queer community is so thriving in such a special way out there. & honestly such great advice re: couch / TV. I lived in NYC for a spell and was always given the opposite advice: you can live in a closet because you’ll never be at home. Opposite, it seems, in LA! Thank you for taking the time to reply u r the best & also I’m a huge fan okay bi 👋🏼
Happy birthday all you beautiful people!
Either belated or super-early happy birthday to you too, Lisa!
Thank you!!! That means a lot, Lisa.
Hi friends!
I have had serious relationships before but am in a relationship that feels unlike any of the others. Partially because it’s actually good(?!) and I’m so incredibly happy and also because I finally feel like I have a partner that I can plan and life build with for real. We’re in our late 20’s, our conceptions of the future match, and I feel like being with her allows me to grow in ways I never imagined.
I don’t know if it’s the messages I received from family members, my own insecurities, or what but marriage and commitment really make me anxious. She, however, is totally on board and ready for those life steps (we’re almost 2 years in at this point). Aside from “don’t do anything you’re not ready for”, what other advice might you have about processing commitment? I love her and see a future together SO easily, do not want to be with anyone else, the idea of marriage just sounds so final and scary??? Or like it might include divorce which is also scary? Any thoughts y’all might have would be lovely.
What does your future look like if you took marriage off the table for a minute? Tell your imagine to pack marriage and all it’s complications away and envision your future together! So often we get stuck focusing on we’re afraid of that we don’t get to picture what a life/future/relationship would look without whatever we’re nervous of. We can rewrite the scripts and that includes what commitment between two (or more) romantic (or platonic!) people can look like
Thanks Archie!
P. S. I had a dream that you made a zine about fisting like 2 summers ago and I’m still really hoping that comes true one day.
Andrea! This sounds so sweet and I’m so deeply happy for you! Honestly, it sounds like you are doing everything right and maybe just try not to overthink it! I think it’s just good to have regular communication about it! Communication is the best!
Completely agree with Archie! I don’t think marriage is the one and only way of committing to a partner or relationship. It might also be worth spending some more time thinking about the idea of marriage or commitment being “final” because I don’t think anything really is – and why does uncertainty around that (e.g. divorce) also feel scary?
And finally, in case you haven’t already, it might be worth having a concrete conversation with your partner about what you both mean when you say “commitment” (define the word without using it!) – what do you and your partner each want from each other and your relationship in the short term versus in the long term? Again, try to have a concrete discussion rather than things that are easy to hold onto from an emotional place but require little concrete action (e.g. go beyond “I don’t want to be with anyone else” and “I can see a future together” — what future do you see when you say that? what do you specifically mean when you say you don’t want to be with anyone else and where is that feeling coming from?)
Any advice on moving on from someone you almost dated but never actually did?
She likes me and I like her but we’re in very different places in our lives and I think it’s time to accept it’s not gonna happen and move on. I’d prefer if we didn’t have to stop being friends too but I’m having a hard time getting the what if question and feelings out of my head.
hi @alexmd! oof, tbh this is tough. i often say that a crush is a habit, and also that love is a habit, and while that doesn’t always sound terribly romantic i do think it is useful to consider in this particular situation. i don’t think you have to stop being friends with this person for forever, but i do think if you like each other and you can’t date and you’re trying to move on from thinking about the possibilities of that situation, you should make some boundaries. it’s going to be close to impossible to move on if you’re chatting all the time, looking at her cute photos on insta, hanging out in person, talking on the phone…these are all creating an environment where you keep liking her as ~more than a friend~ so it’s reasonable to assume that if you keep doing all those things, you will keep having those feelings. again, not everyone loves my logical/pragmatic perception of human interaction, and i’m not saying this is EASY – i struggle with it myself! – but i do think i’m right: you need to train your brain to think of this person in a different way, and in order to do that you need to shift your habits around her.
i invite you to chat with her about this, because she should be making some changes too if you both agree you can’t date right now but do want to preserve the friendship. think about things that feel good but that are different than how you do things now – if you hang out constantly maybe you can try to only hang out in a group for a while, or only see each other once a week for a set period of time; if you text every day maybe decide to only text 1-2 times a week – and attempt those new boundaries for a little. during this time you could also put energy toward other crushes – flirt with other babes, hop on a dating app, go on some other dates, etc. over time, your boundaries (which will probably feel awkward and forced at first) will feel more natural, and you may even be able to completely relax them and hang out the way you used to. you may get super close again. you may even end up dating one day!
but for now, the only way to break a habit is to take actions to break the habit. good luck!! <3
This is a much more thought out version of what I’ve been trying to do(just talk less). Good to know that my instincts weren’t wrong and to get some concrete suggestions as to what to do. It’s definitely been awkward/forced so far but helpful at the same time. Thanks!
Cosigning Vanessa here — have an honest conversation and put some boundaries in place. It may feel excruciating at first, but guess what, no worse than the limbo you’ve already been in! As a seasoned veteran of this situation, I feel your pain, and can also confirm that creating some space is necessary to stop the what-if spiral. You can absolutely do it, we all believe in you, it’s gonna be okay!
Thanks for the encouragement! And for pointing out that it’s not any worse than where we’ve already been. Very true and a good way to put things in perspective for sure.
Hello beautiful AS staff! Happy birthday!!!
I *just* heard my divorce got granted. How should I celebrate??
CHEESE BOARD ?????!
also congratulations !!
Omg YESSSSSS there’s an amazing woman owned cheese shop in my neighbourhood called Les Amis du Fromage and THIS IS PERFECT ADVICE thank you Laneia. Also hello happy Aquarian divorcée hi-five!!!
New life! I am cheersing you from over here! Have a lil drink, or if you’re sober, a beautiful lil snack! Make your day good and just for you! <3
Biggest congrats to this! My divorce is almost final too!
My fantasy is to have a big party – almost like an engagement party – where I’ll burn a few of the memories I still have in a box in my attic. So THAT’S a suggestion.
Looking forward to see what other folks suggest <3
seconding! i’ve been to some kickass divorce parties and they’re great. congrats!
THANK YOU @snaelle ALSO HOLY SHIT MAZEL TOV TO YOU AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
i think you should celebrate by:
1. taking yourself on the fanciest solo date ever (mine would include a massage, a wine bar happy hour, and sushi dinner)
2. doing something you never could have imagined doing while you were married to your ex
3. buying yourself flowers
4. dancing naked under the full virgo moon tonight
those are just preliminary suggestions, i’m brainstorming more
Congrats! Maybe a smack on the bottom?
Ohoo is there a solo trip you’ve wanted to take? Planning that seems fun? Short term though, I’d take myself out to a nice dinner and a new book.
I agree with this take, time for a solo trip and lots of good food. Tell your friends, celebrate!
I love ALL of your suggestions and this has me feeling elated and buoyant! Thank you thank you thank you!!
Planning a solo trip seems especially delicious ~~~
CONGRATS!!
Whatever it is it should be something that’s the most you as you, instead of the most you as whoever you had to be in your marriage. I also recommend ritualistically dumping out any bottles of leftover wedding champagne you might still happen to have.
I’ve got a couple of mental health stuff going on and people at my sports club keep saying stuff like “god it was so bipolar” or “I’m so OCD”.
I think it probably shouldn’t bother me as much as it does but I’m pretty newly diagnosed as bipolar and I hate the reminder that loads of people have negative opinions about mental illness. I want to be more open about my diagnoses but when comments like that are made it makes me less sure it’s a good idea.
Should I ignore it? And is it possible to talk about your mental health in a chill way?
Don’t ignore it! I think you can make a joke about it, like “The weather was so bipolar? When was it diagnosed? What meds is it on?” Or some better joke than that. As someone with bipolar, I see sooooo many misconceptions or weird usages of the word and am hyper attuned to it. Sometimes, I just try to let people know asap when we’re getting to be friends so they don’t say anything like that and if they were going to, they now have a human face to the disorder and will rethink even doing it in the first place. But you can judge in the situation if it’s worth saying anything — like is it a friend or just someone you’re seeing in passing like a barista or something. But yeah, I feel ya.
First of all, congratulations on getting your diagnosis. I mean it! Diagnosis is a huge step forward in navigating mental health, and I hope that it’s brought you some reassurance and affirmation.
Second, I’m sorry you’re having to deal with ignorant crap like that. Because you’re right: there are a lot of negative opinions out there, and there’s a lot of misinformation and shame to navigate, and that’s never easy. I want to focus on one particular part of your comment, though: that you “want to be more open about your diagnoses.” To me, that is the point; if you want to be more open, you deserve to be able to do that. The tricky part, at least in my opinion, is that you also need to accept that you can’t control how other people will respond. Put more bluntly, that openness needs to be about you, not about them.
If you’re more open and honest about your diagnoses, you may very well change some folks’ perceptions. And that’s great! But I don’t think that should be the reason you decide to be candid about it. Frankly, changes like those don’t usually happen in a single, lightning-bolt moment anyway; something you say may be the catalyst, but ultimately the other person needs to do the work of change themselves. The value in your decision to discuss your mental health should be in how it empowers you, not in whether other people approve. If, in your exploration of all this, you decide that you do want to take up the mantle of educating others more regularly, more power to you! But that’s not a continuous obligation or requirement by any means.
In terms of how/whether to respond to the people at your sports club specifically, it’s up to you: if you feel like doing so wouldn’t compromise your safety, I’d say you’re within your right. It’s also a matter of how well you know these people, I think — because that determines the tone of the conversation. If it’s someone you know and regularly spend time working out with or something, absolutely bring it up if you feel so inclined. When I’m in similar situations with acquaintances or friends, I’ll usually go with something like “Look, I know what you’re trying to say, but hearing that from a friend doesn’t feel great” or “Maybe don’t put it that way; do you mean [better example]”? Of course, calling something out like that almost always leads to a larger conversation, so be ready to go there if you do decide to take that route. When it comes to random people I don’t know, it’s really case-by-case. But I’m not expecting those folks to have a come-to-Jesus moment just because I decided to point prejudice out to them while we’re in the gym, you know what I mean? If I say anything, it’s because I wanted to, not because I need a certain reaction (and again, always keeping safety in mind). And if I decide not to say anything, that doesn’t mean I have less pride or more shame; sometimes I just don’t want to. Sometimes you just won’t want to. And that is also fine!
Your desire to take more pride and openness in your diagnosis is admirable and great, and is in fact a step toward all of us talking these things out in a more chill way.
Happy birthday Autostraddle!!! 🎈🎈🎈
I’m a late-twenties cis-lady (probably? that’s for another day) who’s been dating a cis-guy for nearly seven years; he’s genuinely awesome! BUT I am extremely pan/bi and extremely ace and although my SO and nearly all of our friends/acquaintances know that I’m queer, neither my nor his family knows. I want to come out to everyone but I don’t know how!
I think about coming out to them/the world pretty darn often and at this rate I’m tempted to wait until we’re engaged and just tell everyone both things in the same breath and then leave the room. Probably shouldn’t do that! Probably also shouldn’t just post on FB without an in-person convo; I do want to be able to answer any real/not intentionally rude questions they may have.
I fear rejection and denial and vulgar comments and all those invalidating things, even from the relative safety of this seemingly hetero relationship. We live about four hours from my family, which makes this feel more difficult, like I don’t want to make it an event, you know? I’m close to my parents and his fam, less so my siblings (but working on it).
I don’t know what to say or when to say it and I probably should have done this in college. Could someone guide me? I’ve read the AS pieces on coming out/coming out as bi/coming out late so many times but I haven’t mustered the words or courage yet.
I love you all, please keep doing what you do so well! 💖
hello rosehips! i’m sure the other writers will have some incredible advice for you, but as a bisexual/sexually fluid woman who has been married to a cis straight man for over ten years (who also read every single one of those AS pieces multiple times!), i wanted to weigh in and assure you that you are not alone in this experience. i didn’t come out to myself until i was 25 and had been married for a few years, and it took me more years to come out to my parents (and even more years after that to come out to my in-laws). and while coming out to family can be a stressful thing, especially when you’re in an LTR with a cis guy, the best advice i know is to do it in a way that feels right for you, that honors who you are and the way you communicate and the concerns you have.
i came out to my parents in person, with my partner by my side, in an unplanned way while i was telling them some other difficult personal information. i’m glad i did it, but the method left them confused and concerned, unsure of how to offer support and tangling a lot of different pieces about me together in ways that took me months to clarify. because of how complicated that experience was, i chose to come out to my in-laws and brother through email, which was much more comfortable for me – i could write out my thoughts, use exactly the language i meant to, and give them time to process. i’m a writer, don’t always speak very clearly or very well, so for me sending letters made a lot more sense, but you may feel differently. don’t rush yourself or create pressure to do this on a specific timeline – it’s okay to do it when you’re ready, in a way and place that feels safe.
(also, it’s 1000% okay that you didn’t come out in college! not all of us did and we’re still queer!)
Seconding Meg on the idea of letters or emails if it appeals to you! It really takes the pressure and immediacy away from coming out to someone in person. It gives both of you time to process it a bit, and then you can have an in-person conversation later. You might even want to send an article or a resource about bi/pansexuality and asexuality if you think that might be helpful for any family members who don’t understand certain aspects of those identities.
I also feel like coming out initially not in person can give people time to have the reaction that they really want to have to your coming out. Just as you experienced in your coming out process(es) to yourself, homo/biphobia and acephobia are very real things that you grow up around and that are steeped in culture. So they are bound to come up for your family when you come out too even if intellectually they know those things are wrong.
As far as what to say, I feel like you can say some of the things you wrote in the message to us today. You can tell your family you’re not sure exactly what to say or when is the best time, but that you really want to come out to them so here you are doing it! You’ve thought about coming out to them a lot. These are the words you use to describe yourself: ace, bi/pan. (If you think they might be confused about what those words mean, that’s where an article or resource might come in handy–you can try Kristin Russo’s http://everyoneisgay.com/). You are willing to answer any questions they have that come from a good place. You love them but are worried about rejection and denial.
Good luck!! <3
Thank you so much Meg and Casey!!! The idea of a letter or email had literally never occurred to me before, I think that could work! Sometimes I also struggle with finding the right words in person, so this would absolutely take off some pressure. I had been toying with the idea of making a power point presentation, so that energy could be channeled into this! I really appreciate the time you took to give this advice, this is a wonderful wonderfully useful thing to consider.
P.S. happy full moon! 🌕
So Riese, how about those lesbian serial killers?
WHICH ONES!?
gus YOU KNOW you know
my series
on lesbian murderers….
like melinda loveless……….
If anyone has podcast recs about lesbian serial killers, I would like to know please.
Happy birthday!!! I asked this last time but for the people who weren’t there: what’s your favourite thing you’ve written for Autostraddle?
mine is this! https://develop.autostraddle.com/if-you-could-have-any-superpower-what-would-it-be/
@sheepgirl
Loving this question! Mine is this piece about Ari Lennox and how music has saved me through what many may deem to be a trauma filled life. It’s always been there for me but last year was another tough moment and this album turned it around for me.
https://develop.autostraddle.com/ari-lennox-saved-me-this-summer
i don’t know about favorite of all time but this brings me joy whenever i think about it: https://develop.autostraddle.com/10-floors-ive-lied-on-ranked-425855/
this is also my favorite of yours vanessa!!!!!!!
Aw what a nice question! Probably this one: https://develop.autostraddle.com/on-vulnerability-as-a-disabled-person-347625/ because it helped me articulate so many things that have since changed my life in a hugely positive way.
This one was tough to write and share (psssst, it’s also A+ content) <3
https://develop.autostraddle.com/nuggets-milkshakes-nosebleeds-love-after-heartbreak/
EASILY my ranking of Jennifer Aniston’s breakdowns on The Morning Show. I wish I could submit it as a dissertation.
put it in the louvre
Wow – literally no one wants to talk about one of the most important films of all time – Scott Pilgrim. That’s cool tho I get it.
what do you think Kim Pine is up to? Did you read the Envy/Knives fic someone posted recently? it was pretty good!
I think my favorite piece I’ve written is this one! https://develop.autostraddle.com/i-want-co-star-to-tell-me-what-to-do/
mine is this:
https://develop.autostraddle.com/before-you-know-it-somethings-over-241440/
close second:
https://develop.autostraddle.com/10-poison-free-alternatives-to-food-and-drink-with-poison-in-them-because-murder-is-bad-364576/
Mine is probably this booklist: https://develop.autostraddle.com/bisexual-women-in-fiction-381595/ because I didn’t realize until someone wrote in asking for books featuring adult bisexual women that don’t focus on their sex lives that that was something I really needed too!
The one I’m proudest of is my list of 100 sci-fi/fantasy shows, because it took the most work: https://develop.autostraddle.com/the-100-best-lesbian-bisexual-and-queer-sci-fi-and-fantasy-shows-of-all-time/
but i think I liked this essay best: https://develop.autostraddle.com/the-100-best-lesbian-bisexual-and-queer-sci-fi-and-fantasy-shows-of-all-time/
Anyone have any advice or resources for dealing with shame around sex? Although I wasn’t Catholic, I went to Catholic school growing up and am still dealing with the aftereffects of the 2000s purity culture in the US. I’ve been out as a lesbian to everyone in my life since 2014 but have never really crossed the boundary from “theory” (I read lots of LGBTQ books/work at a gay archive) to “practice” besides a handful of first dates. I feel like I freeze up any time there’s a potential opportunity to realize a desire I might have. And I feel ashamed for looking at women and feeling attracted because I remember feeling grossed out by men looking at me. So yeah, any thoughts on getting over shame and allowing yourself to feel desire?
Hi Rebecca! Our experiences aren’t exactly the same, but I have dealt with a boatload of sexual shame in my time, too, and want to say right off the bat that you’re not alone in this. There’s nothing “wrong with you” for reacting this way; systems like purity culture, sexual ableism (which is a dragon I continually have to slay), and others are built to inspire exactly this response, and it takes time to decondition yourself. I’ve been out for fifteen years, and for about the first five, couldn’t even say the word “lesbian” without feeling gross. (I guess that’s what you get when you grow up in a religiously conservative area, no matter how affirming your own household was!) So yes, this takes work to untangle, and good on you for doing that work. It can be slow going, and that’s not because of you; it’s because it’s hard.
While the asker in this post wasn’t in your precise situation, I’d give you much of the same advice: https://develop.autostraddle.com/you-need-help-you-can-want-sex-exactly-as-much-as-you-want-or-dont-390223/.
You haven’t mentioned here whether your theory-to-practice translation has involved exploring your sexuality on your own, without any partner(s), but I would strongly recommend taking that route if you haven’t already. Opportunities to realize your desires don’t have to involve someone else — and in fact, your experiences with others will be a whole lot better if you know yourself well first. I know that, for example, the idea of masturbation may intuitively inspire some of that shame in you; it took me YEARS (years years years) to even be comfortable trying it, let alone seeing it as a valuable resource. I went suuuuper slowly, and it was still extremely helpful. Not everything you find in the realm of individual sexual exploration will be for you, and that’s okay; think of it as just investing time and resources into yourself. You deserve to know what makes you feel good, and to take the time to learn what that is. There’s no time limit, either.
I will also say that if this feels like a mountain too big to scale alone, therapy may be worth looking into if you haven’t already. Talking all of this out with someone who’s trained in these questions in a judgment-free environment can do a ton of good. I was happily out when I started therapy, but my relationships and sexual experiences (with myself and others) became tangibly better as part of the work I did there.
Regardless of however you decide to approach these questions, know that you’re already doing the right thing by asking them. Sending patience and love your way.
Thanks for the thoughtful reply! I am getting more comfortable exploring my sexuality on my own and that has been helpful. I do see a therapist and have talked to him about wanting a relationship generally but I still feel uncomfortable talking about sex with him even though we’ve worked very well together for over a year and I’ve been really happy with him as a therapist. He is moving soon so maybe that’s something to prioritize when I look for a new therapist.
It feels good just to type it out online and have someone respond, thank you again.
Hi Rebecca! Omg have I dealt with this- especially growing up in a Christian background where I was told that any non-het attraction outside of marriage was disappointing God. The sexual shaming was so bad that even when I kissed men (which was supposedly “acceptable”) I would feel bad, like I was doing something wrong. *Sigh*
I am still not completely over all my sexual shame, BUT some of the biggest things that have helped me include:
(1) surrounding myself with queer community and queer friends. making it “normal”, seeing it as beautiful. volunteering at the local LGBTQ center, starting a queer book club, getting involved. Being an active participant at PRIDE festivities is a great way to do this.
(2) practicing self compassion- when my friends come to me and tell me that they had a wonderful queer first kiss with someone, I never think of calling them “bad” or “shameful” so why am I doing that to myself? Whose voice is that? (definitely not mine)
(3) reading queer memoirs and consuming queer media. The L Word, Zami by Audre Lorde, Oranges are Not the Only Fruit, Redefining Realness, etc.
(4) talking to my therapist about it- investing in re-parenting work (would highly recommend looking this up if you haven’t already)
(5) finding positive spiritual practices that are LGBTQ inclusive. Believe it or not, there are some really awesome queer affirming churches out there, and there are a lot of cool queers in the witch/paganism community.
I wish you luck! I know these are tough feelings to deal with. Like any process of unlearning, it will be a lifelong process, but the work is so important! You deserve love and happiness and awesome sexual and romantic experiences with whoever you want to be with.
Hey Tiara, thank you for replying! I haven’t heard of re-parenting work, I will definitely check it out. This is a great list of things that I think will help. I belong to a lesbian book club and I know some also come from religious backgrounds so maybe I can try talking with them about it. Thank you so much for your kind wishes, sending you the same.
I’ve been seeing this girl for about 7 months, and I just asked her to be my girlfriend like a month ago because she pretty much already was, we just needed to put a label to it. Anyways, we haven’t said “I love you” yet and I’ve been terrified for that moment because I’ve only ever said it to one person in my life and that didn’t end well so I’m scared that as soon as I say it, everything will go to hell. But I know that she *wants* to say it, because I know her too well at this point. So I’ve been bracing for the moment.
About two days ago we were hanging out and she said she needed to tell me something, and I thought… ok here it comes! But then instead of the L Word she said… “I want you to know that I’m hopelessly in love with you”… which ?????? Okay? I had no idea how to respond to that so I just kissed her and smiled.
Did I fuck up? Was this the same as “I love you”? How should I address this conversation later on?? Help!!
oh my gosh BABE. okay no you did not fuck up, but let’s just discuss this slowly.
1. your girlfriend said “i’m hopelessly in love with you.”
2. yes that is the same as “i love you.”
3. some might argue that it is not the exact same because “i love you” and “i’m in love with you” are not the exact same, but for our purposes, they are.
4. it’s okay that you didn’t say it back right away – i have straight up told people “i love you, and it’s okay if you don’t want to say it back right now, i just want you to know it’s how i feel” and some have NOT said it back and that’s been okay (truly) and some have said it back and both are fine, and also sometimes it just takes one person a little longer to say it than the other and that’s fine too, and i do really want to stress that unless your gf like stormed out after you smiled and kissed her and hasn’t spoken to you in 48 hours, y’all are totally fine.
5. THAT SAID. you should bring this up with her! i am going to say there’s a 99% chance she’s wondering why you didn’t say it back, and while you’re certainly never obligated to tell someone you love them, if i may be so bold, it does sound like you love her and the problem is more about feeling scared to say it and what that means about the truth of your feelings and the reality that we can all have our hearts broken at any moment once we let our guards down enough to let our hearts love. which is just sort of the sad truth of life, love is worth it, etc etc.
6. i would bring it up casually and bluntly. next time you’re together just saying something like “hey babe, i wanted to talk about something on my mind.” don’t give too much intro because she’ll be stressed out. “when you said you were hopelessly in love with me the other night and i didn’t say it back, it’s not because i don’t feel the same. i do feel the same. however saying i love you feels very scary to me! here is why. [explain why.] i realize this is mostly my stuff, and doesn’t reflect our relationship but rather the experience i have from my last major relationship, but i want to be honest with you about where i’m at and i also didn’t want you to feel like your reality is totally different than mine.” it’s okay if you’re not ready to say i love you! i am making the assumption that you are in love with your gf you just feel scared about saying it but tbh, if i’m wrong and you’re not even sure you’re in love with your gf, that’s okay too! people fall in love at different speeds. people wanna say “i love you” at different speeds. all of this is totally fine and again, YOU DID NOT FUCK UP. but the main thing of importance is your gf knows you care about her, knows you weren’t blowing her off when she shared with you (saying i love you is always vulnerable so even if she wanted to say it, she probably still felt pretty vulnerable sharing!!), and knows that y’all are on the same team and experiencing the same reality. she shouldn’t pressure you to say “i love you” but hopefully in opening up to her about why it feels scary to you, she can reassure you in some ways and if you do want to say it to her at some point it will feel good and safe.
also congrats on having a cute gf who is in love with you, that’s so fun and you deserve it and while the entire world could go to shit at any moment, sure, i invite you to let your guard down and let yourself enjoy this for a while! it’s not gonna go to shit just because your last big love went to shit. you deserve nice things! love is nice.
<3
Guys I’m happy to inform that I read this while while we were hanging out (she was in the bathroom, I wasn’t ignoring her!!) and THEN (like literally 20 minutos after) she said “I love you”. And I didn’t freak out as much, thought about everything y’all wrote. But again, all my body could do was kiss and smile, just kiss and smile. AND THEN we were cuddling and being just like super happy together and I got this *feeling* (duh) which many would say is literally the feeling of ~love~ (lol) and just like the need to say it out loud. So I did, and she smiled and kissed me.
Thank you so much for your advice, I was literally losing my mind over this. And maybe for that same reason I forgot to say Happy Birthday Autostraddle!!!
THIS LITERALLY COULD NOT BE A BETTER WAY TO END MY DAY, HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY TO AUTOSTRADDLE INDEED, I AM SO SO SO HAPPY FOR YOU AND YOUR GIRLFRIEND ISN’T LOVE GRAND AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH <3
Yay!!! I just read Rachel’s new post and rushed over here to see if she was talking about you! I’m so happy for you!! Way to go you, and way to go Autostraddle birthday post!
I think it’s fairly clear that the words “I,” “love” and “you” were in close enough proximity to each other in what your gf said that it does count as saying I love you. But I don’t think you fucked up! Kissing and smiling is infinitely better than not responding at all, or saying something weird (e.g. “thank you” or “that’s nice”)!
I think the main thing is not to think about how to address this “later on” – address it as soon as possible, for the mental health of the both of you. Plus me and any other readers who are emotionally invested at this point. There is obviously no pressure here, but if you wanted to find her and tell her you love her then report back to the group then that is an option we could explore.
Based on the context you’ve given, I do think that was the same as her saying “I love you” but also don’t worry you did not fuck up! You just have to talk about it now! Which could be stressful/scary, but I bet she wants to talk about it, too. I also had a weird roundabout way of telling my girlfriend I loved her for the first time (I essentially said something like “I am maybe possibly falling in love with you perhaps maybe probably”) because I was nervous but we successfully turned that into “I love yous.”
As for your fears, they are valid, but just because things went to hell one time does NOT mean that’s going to happen again. Saying you love someone for the first time is a milestone, but it’s not something that like seismically changes a relationship.
YOU DID NOT FUCK UP.
THIS IS CUTE AS SHIT.
check in to confirm butttttt….
SOUNDS LIKE YALL IN LOVE BBBBBBBB!!!!!
Happy birthday Autostraddle! Here’s to another 11!
i have a question about dating a white person for the first time. i am a person of color who tend to be attracted and prioritizes being with other pocs, at least when it comes to serious relationships. anyways i recently met a white person that seems decent and i like her a lot! i’m not 100% sure how ok i feel about it, but it’s silly to drop something cute just because it doesn’t fit my usual patterns right? what’s to keep in mind when it comes to dating white folks, esp one that’s never dated a poc? thanks in advance for any advice!
Do Not lower your expectations or standards and never feel sorry for not putting up with ignorance. Call her on her white bullshit when you see it and make sure you aren’t having to educate her too much. Otherwise, have fun!
HELLO IM HERE @behindcheshiresmile !!
This is wild and I get it because I recently met a white girl who I’ve been like – “WHY ARE YOU SO DOPE, WHEN WILL YOU SAY SOMETHING OUT OF POCKET, WHAT IS GOING ON?!”
At first it felt mad confusing but Its honestly fine.
It sucks because when women of color, especially black women, date outside our race, our love for our own culture comes into question. But when cis men of color, especially black men, date outside their race they are congratulated for moving up in the world – it’s fucking TRASH.
It’s just different but I verbalize it a lot if I have a concern AND check in with myself to make sure I’m having a dope time with this person.
It doesn’t make you any less anything for dating outside your race (and for the white folks reading this – DO NOT USE DATING A PERSON OF COLOR AS A FUCKING IM COOL AND WOKE CARD – that shit is weak)
It’s all good, just date and fuck the people that make you feel good and try to shake the shit that the world already puts on us as QPOC. Continue to surround yourself with QPOC that are non romantic and know that you are still as down for the cause as you wanna be.
OMG thank you so much for the validation! it’s what i need to hear. i’m asian and everywhere i look, i often see asian and white pairings, whether queer or straight, so that’s why i feel like i’m really conforming to stereotypes etc. BUT yr right abt shaking the shit that the world already put on us, and just take the good that i find my way. it’s not like my romantic relationships all that matters abt me.
anyways thanks again! xoxo
Yes to all of this so far – don’t lower your expectations and call out what doesn’t feel good to you. Whilst I don’t know too much about this person, hopefully she is aware of how fragility, privilege, emotional labour etc can play out. I’ve seen POC be just as shit as white people; so I wouldn’t throw this away on the basis of race if you feel there’s something there to explore!
hello @behindcheshiresmile!
speaking as a black woman, I have many hangups around dating white people. I currently have a no white woman dating clause that is waning because the person I like is white, but its really hard! I had a bad thing with a white ex whose microaggressions really got to me and hurt me so I more often than not feel exhausted by the prospect of dating a white person.
In your situation, it’s important to remember we’re allowed to bend or break rules we’ve set for ourselves. Also, if you end up in a relationship or a fling with this person, you can end it at any time, whenever YOU feel ready. One thing to keep in mind is even the most allied ally has still been socialized under a white supremacist society and is bound to have some fucked up beliefs or ideas they haven’t fully dismantled. If they are working on this stuff, that’s a really good sign that you have someone worth fighting for on your hands. You have to decide what your limit is with watching someone learn to fight against those ideals though.
I’m always super paranoid about meeting families cuz its like I KNOW you gotta racist grandma or a cop uncle that says shit like “blue lives matter” and I don’t have the energy for it. Is not having a relationship with a partner’s family something you feel comfortable with? It may seem like a premature thought but it’s definitely worth asking yourself.
Lastly, I’ll say POC have rules to date other POC out of safety. It isn’t a harmful preference to have and is often built out of necessity and a love for other POC. It’s not silly to hold that boundary for yourself, but if you realllly like this person and want to bend it a little, that’s perfectly fine too.
Happy birthday autostraddle!!!!! I need advice on finding smol happiness while super struggling/sad in med school and far away from my family (and trees bc NYC is urban af).
I’m not sure where exactly you are in NYC, but if trees/nature are something that do bring you some happiness, I would recommend hitting up the parks! The Brooklyn botanical gardens are an especially good option in the winter because they have indoor greenhouse spaces that are WARM and FULL OF LUSH GREENNESS. Museums are also a great place to go for a little break from the world. The Met is pay-what-you-will for NYC residents and vast so every trip there is a little different. And then you’re also right in Central Park!
I also like to find a little happiness in small rituals like making/drinking tea, setting aside time to read, wandering into a new restaurant by myself with a book, karaoke.
Hi, if I may chip in: med school is kind of designed to make one suffer. And a lot of it is super sad and throws the big questions of life at you like rocks, so maybe regularly schedule happiness in (see Kayla’s suggestions) like you would a class and make a list of things that make you feel good and sustain you. A favorite shampoo, a favorite brand of coffee, that radio station, taking a shower in the mornings, enjoy those things consciously.
If you feel like one of the rocks hit you, be extra kind to yourself.
Take the liberty to be a tourist in the city that you’re a guest in,buy a guide, watch people live and breathe and run in Central Park, go for a walk and listen to music,walk the Brooklyn Bridge at sunrise,or party hard on a weekend, and, if you can, don’t always study by yourself, schedule in game nights and study sessions with other students. Make library dates, have themed dinner study nights. Like, muscles of the back and chili, for example. Find your cluster of weirdos to hang with.
This is growing up on fast forward and it‘s painful and hard, like all transformations are, but it will get better, it will also get worse, at times, so it‘s worth investing some time into figuring out some good old coping mechanisms.
And also, chlochau, don’t be afraid to get help or counseling.
Most of us do, and all of us should at some point.
happy birthday autostraddle!
I hope it’s not too much to submit two questions in one day…but I really appreciate all the advice.
My question is: What are good responses if my partner’s kid gets bullied for his mom having a girlfriend/having sort-of two moms? Bullying is really hard to deal with and the “ignore them” path only works so much. I’ve tried to encourage him to build empathy for the bullies and to find other outlets for his anger (other than getting into fights) but my feeling is this could be a longer term problem. I also feel a little bit guilty that he has to be different from other kids and I know that that stems from a wider problem of internalized homophobia.
Anyway, anyone raised or know of how to best help teens through the bullying/anxiety-inducing experience that is middle school?
Thank you!!
god middle school is just a hotbed for shittiness. i’m so sorry he’s going through this and i know you must feel so helpless in the situation! i don’t have a ton of experience with bullies, but it sounds like you’re doing everything you can to address the potential damage being done to your partner’s kid and helping him build a greater understanding of how to best view the world and its fucked up situations.
the couple of times something has happened to my kids (when they were in elementary + jr high; they’re currently 21 and 15, both boys, and it wasn’t related to me being gay) i’ve gone directly to the teacher and the principal, cc’d on the same email, asking them what they plan to do about the situation and letting them know that i expect action to be taken on every necessary level. i requested and received one-on-one meetings to discuss things and told my kid what i was doing and why, and asked for their input if they had any. it was terrifying to do bc i hate confrontation and standing out for any reason, but it got results! so i guess that would be my advice: take this to a higher level, bc your kid can only do so much and this is a systemic issue in my opinion.
good luck and please know that you’re doing GREAT and it sounds like you’re a very supportive partner!!
Question for the team: do you have any superstitions? What is it?
DO NOT SPLIT THE FUCKING POLE!
What was your clique in high school?
i went to an arts high school so the cliques were sort of reinforced by our majors! however i was a musical theater major who didn’t really get along with a lot of the other musical theater majors so i quickly immersed myself among the creative writing majors who were all like vaguely queer and depressed lol anyway my high school life was the television show Glee
kayla wow suddenly so many things are so clear to me i’m dying
i was a photo kid and i stayed late after school working on my black and white photography in the darkroom and i ate my lunch in the photo room with the other photo kids and we all wore converse and too much eyeliner but i didn’t know i was gay yet which tbh is extremely confusing
I was a photo kid too! I spent a lot of time in the dark room! Now all of that knowledge and experience is 99% useless and it makes me mad/sad
chorus gay
alto4alto
I was in the theatre clique, but my high school’s theatre clique was VERY prude. Nobody is hornier than a drama kid, and that was true for us, but for some reason we were just very repressed mostly?? Maybe because most of us weren’t drinking or doing any drugs. Just a bunch of personified hormones bouncing off the walls of the choir room as we recited Shakespeare.
Definitely the kids bold enough to be out already clique, also the generally ostracized clique of really tall girls, people who got bullied a lot like me. My locker partner was really popular because she was a hot drug dealer and so she kinda boosted my cred
Baptist Christian church nerds 😬
I—–get ready………WAS ON THE FUCKING SOFTBALL TEAM!!!
High five from the goalie of the Field hockey team
in public high school i was on the VERY fringe of the alt-cool group.
Like there was the Traditionally Cool group, the girls who played field hockey and were pretty and the boys who wore North Face and had rich dads and big houses. Eventually everyone in this group would be in a fraternity or sorority.
then there was the Alt-Cool group who like, could hook you up with weed and were also p hot and dyed their hair weird colors and wore clothes from delias and thrift stores and got piercings. So i was like the outermost fringes of it? i couldn’t get all the way in because honestly i was um, ugly and SO SAD never had a boyfriend, and if you’ve been to high school you know that looks matter more than anything!
then i went to an arts boarding school for my last two years of school and i guess… eventually became cool and hot. (i am for some reason paranoid that someone from my high school will read this and be like WERE YOU COOL, RIESE? REALLY?) my boyfriend was like the best actor in the theater program which was reliable social clout in a performing arts school and our group was mostly the theater kids and a smattering of writers / dancers / musicians / artists with semi-theatrical personalities who cared about wearing cool pants and also had a lot of mental breakdowns and homoerotic tension and usually knew someone who could hook u up with vodka. it’s hard to describe b/c it was like a totally different universe than other schools! my friends were mostly “three year seniors” which means people who started there their sophomore year, but i started junior year
i was a groupie for the girl’s basketball team, which happened to be the preppy christian girls who wore tommy hilfiger and honest-to-god ribbons in their hair and brought baked goods to school for each other.
I was in two factions; during school hours I was mostly with the “honors kids” because there were really only one or two of each class that were honors level, so a small group of us had more or less the same schedule all four years. But after school (and certain lunch periods), I was a drama kid.
My school was not especially cliquey, so things were a bit fluid, but I was definitely not part of the music/theatre kids, the popular kids, or the sporty kids. My friends and I (many of whom I am still friends with!) were like the weird, hippie nerdy people I guess?
What urban myths did you grow up with?
Stranger danger big time. All the chain letters about how to avoid kidnapping.
Hi there, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I legitimately don’t know what I’d do without you guys. :)
I just went through a breakup a couple weeks ago, which is somehow harder 2 weeks in than it was one week in, so that sucks.
One bit of collateral damage is the “Gal Pals” tshirt she got me. I’d always wanted one before, but didn’t have a girlfriend of my own, so I never felt like I could really have/wear one. I was so happy when she surprised me with it and got to wear it around, and I would like to still wear it, but I feel like 1) a fraud who isn’t actually someone’s gal pal, and 2) an IDIOT who is still enjoying a memento from a girl who thought we would be better off as friends.
Am I a fraud and an idiot for this?
Thanks!!
I’m your gal pal bb – wear the shirt.
I’m very sorry about your breakup, but wear the shirt! I’ve never thought of my Gal Pal shirt as some sort of declaration of being in a relationship! I’ve worn it while single for sure, because I see it as more of a very specific cultural signifier of queerness than as something tied to relationships! Also it’s just a cute shirt!
Also, you’re not an idiot for liking something that an ex gave you. It can be very useful/healing to change the associations of specific items/places after a breakup. Sometimes there’s a tendency to want to burn it all down, but hanging onto a gift is not the same thing as hanging on to that person.
Listen, that shirt is yours! You always wanted a Gal Pals shirt, independently of this relationship, so I think you should keep it! On the other hand, if you find that having it makes you sad you might “take a break” (aka shove it to the back of your closet) for a bit and see if after enough time has passed you can enjoy having a Gal Pals shirt for the sake of having it. Also, in addition to Shelli, you will always and forever be your own Gal Pal :)
You are neither a fraud nor an idiot.
Wear the shirt, @spicytofu1994!
WEAR THE SHIRT, YOU LOOK GREAT
i am wearing a gal pal t-shirt literally right now and i UNFORTUNATELY do not presently have a girlfriend
You guys are all the absolute best!!
Hi Y’all!
I have a question for all ye bind-ers and/or gender affirming surgery veterans!
After 11 years (!!) of binding I finally am in a financial way to book top surgery. Since telling my partner the news, though, they’ve started to spend a lot of time uh, referencing how nice my chest is? and incorporating it a lot more into like bedroom activities? and asking if I would feel comfortable wearing a sports bra instead of a binder sometimes?? All of which I addressed as best as I could at the time, but it seems a common theme emergeth. We’ve been together for 2 years, they knew about my chest-stuff from the start, and I’ve explicitly asked them on a couple of occasions whether they have any weird feelings around my body changing, which they’ve assured me each time they do not. It’s been such a longstanding thing in my life that I’m pretty casual about it (it’s in my planner as “boob chop 2020”) and so I’m a bit taken aback that it’s suddenly a topic of discussion.
I’m just wondering if there’s a good way to intitiate the “hey I’m getting the vibe that you’re bummed that my chest is leaving let’s talk about that” convo w someone who seems to be not that into having the conversation? It’s not as though they’ve crossed any hard lines, but it’s all definitely starting to grate a bit.
If anyone’s been in a similar situation (on either side) I’d be stoked for some input. My worst nightmare is a rom-com style scene where we just don’t talk about it ever and then as I’m being wheeled into OR they burst through the door with a bouquet, yelling “you can’t go!! what about nipple play???”
To clarify they identify as genderqueer but don’t have any issue with their own mammary bits.
So, this sucks but I am pretty sure this conversation is never going to happen unless you initiate it. I’d LOVE to be wrong but it sounds like your partner is either A) in denial and overcompensating or B) feels like they *shouldn’t* feel how they do and they’re not doing a super good job of actually repressing it so it’s coming out in weird ways.
I think something like “Hello, it seems like you have some feelings and it also seems like you don’t want to talk about them but I need for us to have that conversation. Could you let me know a good time in the next [two weeks or whatever] to air some of this out?” It’s 100% not your job to make them feel better about whatever feelings they’re having, but it seems like it’s starting to bum you out and that’s no good!
Alternately, you can just be like “hey it actually does not feel affirming when you use x terms/touch me in y way/ask z questions. if any of that changes I’ll let you know!”
Also — just want to raise the possibility that you scheduling the big chop has surfaced some previously ignored or unrealized feelings of chest dysphoria for your partner and they are trying to fight against that by being like “no see brain boobs are great!!!” It sounds like you have good reasons not to assume that’s the case but I just wanted to put it out there.
Hey thank you very much Adrian! I actually hadn’t thought at all about this potentially digging some of their own stuff up. They’re someone that really rocks being super ironclad in their own gender n presentation, but I mean that could also be another version of “no look brain, boobs are great!”. Whether that has something to do with it or not, i appreciate the reminder that i don’t know everything about them (cuz it’s hard not to feel that way sometimes after 2 years of intense cohabitation).
I also really like the idea of setting a timeframe within which to have a tough conversation, rather than it needing to happen right that second. Deeply appealing on many levels!
Setting a timeframe for having the convo is one of my top 3 pieces of advice for almost any problem :)
I hope y’all are able to move through this smoothly and with great kindness!
Happy Birthday! What kind of nice things do you like to do for yourself to make your day a little better?
Window shop the profiles of the local animal shelter.
That’s weird, right?
Probably, but I need my regular dose of adorables.
Sitting outside! Eating mango slices! Drinking iced coffee drinks! Reading outside! Going on walks!
If I’m feeling particularly decadent, I will go to the movies by myself. Introvert Dream Date.
But for the quickest fix, going outside — even just out to my balcony. Something about seeing the outside world and being like “right, whatever I’m dealing with in there isn’t the only thing that will ever happen” helps an astounding amount.
I walk around used bookstores and buy something random. And then depending on the weather read it outside somewhere.
I used to have go-to bookstores in New York that were perfect for this, but I haven’t quite found my favorite in LA. Most of the bookstores near me don’t carry a lot of used books and The Last Bookstore has a good selection, but it can be a bit overwhelming with all the people. Still even walking around a not-used bookstore and decadently buying something new sure does make me feel gooooood.
I go on walks outside and look at the flowers
I bake!!! I’m an avid stress baker/anxiety baker. So if my day feels off-kilter, I always know I’m a few cups of flour, some butter, 20 minutes, and a good playlist away from feeling a bit better.
I love going to see movies with friends or by myself, or staying in with my favorite snack and watching some horror movies solo. My absolute favorite thing is taking a hot shower or bath with the music on blast, candles lit, lathered up in lavender soap. I have a chronic pain disorder so doing lots of self soothing and meditation also feels wonderful for me.
I love a scented candle!
I love this question. Getting bubble tea, browsing in bookstores, being little spoon with someone who loves me, writing poetry in my journal, having a deep meaningful conversation into the late hours of the night with someone who I find fascinating- feels like good sex (I’m obviously an air sign).
I love all the ideas so far and am taking some for myself.
Happy birthday!
For Kamala, Laneia, Sarah, Carmen, Rachel, or Riese, what was something that stuck with you from your time with the Dare to Lead facilitator?
Brene has some really catchy phrases that get lodged in your brain! Her whole entire thing is about how vulnerability is power, and I’m curious what other’s would say, but these are the ones that have stuck with me:
– “A story I’m telling myself” which is when you don’t really know what is going on or are missing information, and in that dearth of real facts, you make something up — something that is often more negative or complicated, than simply finding out what’s actually going on and addressing it.
– Another one I like, is “Painting done,” which is the idea that everyone needs to be able to share in the vision of what something looks like when it’s done, in order to incorporate everyone’s talents, and do it efficiently and avoid confusion and obstacles.
– And then maybe, it’s because it just sounds hot, but “The Dirty Yes” sticks with me, because I think often, especially in places where people care about their work and their coworkers, they agree to things they don’t actually want to do or think are wrong, and don’t say anything — and part of being vulnerable and in one’s power, is saying so and trusting people to work with that.
+1 on “A Story I’m Telling Myself” which is so relevant to me and the ways I’m eeeeeeeextra hard on myself in ways that are probably unfair. And that can effect my work relationships, because I assume other people are thinking the worst when they probably really aren’t!
(I think the Dirty Yes is more relevant than I originally considered, thank you Kamala for bringing it back to my attention!)
I LOVE THIS QUESTION!!
Honestly, a lot of it stuck with me! I kept the workbook we worked through slowly together, stuffed with all notes on the sides, and everything.
But I suppose the biggest “life lesson” I’ve taken away is how to hold a difficult conversation or make room for your own vulnerabilities in the workplace, and how those hard feelings show up during conversations with bosses and co-workers (My good friend Brene Brown calls this “a rumble”). I’ve had a few work conversations since we’ve returned that I feel like I was able to navigate MUCH more confidently, and in turn felt like I was heard and respected. When we came to solutions from these conversations, I could feel good about them and about the work I’m doing here. So that’s really important to me.
For me the keys around that have been: Ask for a break and to circle back if it feels you are in unproductive loop (or for me, with my constant anxiety, it gives me a chance to better collect my thoughts so I can express myself). Another key for those hard conversations (for me) is learning to separate out your own feelings of guilt/shame/ego from the task at hand.
The second thing that “stuck” with me is: EVERYONE IS DOING THE BEST THEY CAN!
I think once you lock in on “everyone is doing their best” you grow a lot of empathy for your co-workers, and it moves your place in the workplace from “I’m annoyed or frustrated or whatever” to instead “How can I help this person so that together we can make this goal that’s important for our team”. It’s really productive (and a much more positive light).
i’d read ‘dare to lead’ last year and i think a great thing that came out of the training was that the vocabulary utilized in it has now become a language we can all speak, which helps because we’ve always had a really hard time having “tough conversations” or giving feedback, and we’ve also always had a lot of problems with “talking about instead of talking to.”
“the story i’m telling in my head “, like kamala and carmen said, is a big one. especially for a virtual office that has sort of evolved over time from a volunteer project amongst friends. we don’t have a lot to go on when thinking about what everybody else is up to besides the stories we’ve told about them in our heads.
it was also great just to look at what was underneath a lot of conflicts and unrest, areas where i wanted to be braver, the idea of Moving Away / Moving Toward / Moving Against. (fyi i Move Away) (LOVE TO MOVE AWAY)
This comment section is so lovely!
Any advice/tips on opening up an existing relationship?? My girlfriend and I have been together > 2 years and we have talked about “being nonmonogamous in some way” for the majority of our relationship, but we haven’t taken any concrete steps to move in that direction! The topic has been sometimes fraught with anxiety, especially as I’ve worked through my own feelings of guilt and fear about wanting this, so we’ve been focusing on building trust and deconstructing some toxic monogamy ideas we had been taught (me a especially in church spaces). We separately have desires for this, which is encouraging, but for different reasons, and we’d want different things in encounters outside our relationship, which feels hard to navigate. We’re finally in a place where we can talk about what we might want without it feeling too too scary? But we’re still scared! We don’t want to hurt our relationship and so many people say “oh yeah we tried that, then we broke up”. We both are people who over-research before doing, so we’ve read a lot of suggested books on the topic already.
Oh hello! It seems like you’re doing everything right and really being open and thoughtful about this. Unfortunately people make mistakes and also you can’t always predict and plan for feelings of jealousy or connection. You probably haven’t acted on it because you both are scared it’s irreversible, which it’s totally not. You can try opening it up for a while and then close the relationship again either permanently or for a while and then open it up again. Nothing is forever or carved in stone. Relationships are just continually evolving and seeing what works for the people in them. What you do have to discuss is what is physically allowed and what is tangibly allowed because you can’t control emotions but you can behave in ways that curb or mollify emotions. So for instance, hooking up is fine but no sleeping over. No hooking up with the same person twice. Call me after. Tell me the details. Don’t tell me the details. Etc. Be really specific about what would bother you. But even then, you may think something won’t and then it does. So you have to be open to both sides changing their minds or making mistakes but please please please keep the assumption that you are both good people who love each other and no one is trying to be hurtful. Come at it from that place of understanding and communication. And start small if you’re scared. Make out with someone. You don’t have to jump into fucking new people right away.
Also, any tips on helping a neat-freak who never wanted children adjust to living with a slightly less-neat partner and two teenage boys?
it helps to set priorities – what’s the most important 3 things for you to have neat/clean/uncluttered/organized, and can you explain clearly to them why those things matter to you to help motivate them? can they explain to you what’s hard for them about keeping them clean, so you can talk through strategies that work for both of you? like if having a huge pile of shoes by the door bothers you, but having them walk through the house with their shoes on also bothers you, and they’re being up front with you that they aren’t sure they can remember to clear out their shoes at the end of each day, maybe the solution is a new rule where everyone takes their shoes off outside the front door! etc.
I love that the way I wrote the question makes it seem like I’m the neat one :)
And thanks for the solid advice.
I just want to provide this tweet as an offering to help us all in midst of the pandemic:
https://twitter.com/taber/status/1236856662411096067?s=09
This is supposed to be a question, so here it is: what are the best visible markers of lesbian competence?
This is great
I love this pic and question so much. I can’t believe I am struggling so much to think of a visible lesbian competence signifier than isn’t just any standard lesbian stereotype.
Basically I want something that is the sartorial equivalent of never starting an email with “sorry” or “I just wanted to”
sensible shoes
Maybe this isnt the space to ask, but it is a question for AS so? I submitted to the last issue and havent heard back yet, I know it’s only a day past the time you said you’d let people know and this is happening today so maybe that explains it. But also the last time I submitted I never heard anything back ever so I’m slightly paranoid it got lost again??
Hi Jay, that’s on me, I apologize! I’m behind on submissions, but we will get back to you by the end of the week!
No worries, just glad to know it didnt get lost again! Thank you
If Brittani Nichols is still around:
What movie(s) should I watch if I loved Suicide Kale?
The Feels, Duck Butter, and The Intervention are all queer movies that have improv or have that feel to them so listing them because I think texture wise they’re somewhat similar. Other queer movies that I think you’d just like if you liked SK: A Date for Mad Mary, Hearts Beat Loud, Signature Move, and Booksmart. Movies that are incredibly white and straight but inspired me: Drinking Buddies, Jeff Who Lives at Home, Obvious Child.
Happy birthday! I’m so glad you were born! Yay!
Here is my question: I currently live in the “red zone” in Italy due to the emergency related to the coronavirus outbreak, as a precautionary measure and to try and slow down the disease we need to avoid having contacts with other people and stay at home as much as possible for at least the next four weeks. I live alone in a reaaaally small apartment and I usually work in an office, I’ll be working from home starting tomorrow for the first time.
Do you have any advice on how to stay sane during this crazy thing that is happening?
I enjoy being alone and have a ton of movies/tv series/books to catch up on, but any suggestions on these or other activities are welcome.
Ps. Wash your hands, don’t touch your face, etc. etc. I initially underestimated the situation but this is very real and could potentially be very catastrophic.
Pps. I low-key think this happened because last week I started using dating apps again after a period of no dating. Sorry Italy, my fault. Never trying dating ever again.
Hi Alice! Glad to hear you’re doing what you need to do to stay safe. Unlike a certain American president I’m not going to pretend to be an expert on coronavirus when I am not one, so as far as that goes, sounds like you’re already doing all the right things. But in terms of weathering a major disruption to your work and personal life, I do have a few suggestions.
Personally, I’ve found that routines are key to happiness AND success when working from home. As in, know and stick to your work hours, put on some real clothes (when I need to stay in the work headspace, I’ll often wear what I would wear to the office, right down to the shoes — it really helps!), get stuff on your calendar so you’re not staring down giant chunks of unclaimed time that you’ll just use to frantically refresh the news, make your bed, get up and go to sleep at the normal time, etc. If you normally have to factor in commuting time, find a new activity you enjoy and can do inside during that same time of day (read, watch a favorite show, exercise, whatever, before you get down to working).
Also, general work-from-home piece of advice: TAKE BREAKS. I know it’s so tempting to just be like “I can work ALL day FOREVER now!” but seriously, put some time in there to not be sitting at your desk, even if it’s just to walk around the room or do the dishes you left in the sink. And as someone who does better when I eat actual meals (as opposed to day-long snacking/grazing), I’d recommend that, if you’re normally that kind of person too. The impulse to forgo that kind of thing when working from home is real, but in my experience, never ends well.
In short: create some structure, make sure to give yourself downtime, and be patient with both yourself and this whole process.
Don’t do what I do and work in the same space you watch TV. Though I’m not always successful at it, I’ve had a better time of it when I have one place where I sit when I’m working and one place that I sit when I’m watching TV/on a break, even if those two places are in the same room. (Hell it could even be just like two separate sides of the couch.) It helps your brain separate work from play and not turn your apartment into an office. (Also everything Carrie said obvi.)
Hello! I’ve been in a relationship for almost 10 years (I’m 29…) with a wonderful person who I love very much. Lately I’ve been having more thoughts (dreams, daydreams, passing thoughts, etc) about other people. I’m so conflicted – I want to believe in love and long term commitment and what it means to build a true strong long lasting partnership with somebody – at the same time, I don’t want to gradually feel more and more like I’m missing out on opportunity (youth, sexual interest) to figure myself out. I feel there is so much left to explore and learn and I don’t get the sense that, without mentioning this, the relationship will be fulfilling in this way. I also don’t want to ruin anything, particularly if these are just dreamy dreams I’m concocting in my head and ultimately what I value more is stability, love, partnership, etc. As I know myself now, the latter seems more like what’s really in line with how I live my life, so why am I yearning??? Help me, I’m heartbroken.
Hiiii. I’m so sorry this is causing you such stress and heartbreak. Is there any way you can talk to your partner about this? You’re a pair! A team! Obviously, phrase it differently and maintain that you want to make it work and stay together but maybe there’s a path to nonmonogamy for you both. I think daydreaming does not mean you don’t want to be with someone. They can exist separately or what if! you could! have stability! and be able to explore! They’re not necessarily incompatible in the long run! Maybe your partner feels the same way. Maybe they can sense something is off with you and they’re more nervous than they need to be. Or maybe there’s a way to work this out with a couples’ counselor or your own therapist if you have one. I think the big thing is to stop being so sure these two things are fundamentally at odds. One of the best things about being queer is there’s less of a roadmap for how relationships have to look or be. There might be a middle ground that allows both of you to be the happiest.
Happy birthday Autostraddle! I honestly don’t know how I would’ve gotten through the last couple years without this place.
The quick version of my question is how do I make dating feel less high-stakes? For context, I’m in my late 20s, figured out I was queer/a lesbian a couple years ago, am only out to close friends but wanting to change that relatively soon, and, uh, have literally never been on a date with anyone of any gender in my entire life. I’ve spent the past couple years trying to shake off the homophobia I absorbed from a super conservative Christian upbringing, and I feel close or at least closer to being ready to date, but it still feels overwhelming sometimes. I feel like I’m opening myself up to a new form of criticism and judgement and the general possibility that a lot of my fears or negative beliefs about myself would just get confirmed (e.g., I’m not attractive so no one will want me, no one will really understand me as a person, or if they actually start to they won’t want to keep dating me, it’s so weird that I’ve never dated before, it must be a reflection of something inherently broken/abnormal that others will pick up on before anything can go anywhere).
The second part of this is, if you knew you had something like this on the other side, would you want to know about the inexperience and partial closetedness asap? And if so to what extent? I feel like it’s almost false advertising to just go out and try to date and tell people I’m 27 when all the assumptions you’d make about someone my age in terms of experience aren’t true.
Also, I realize this is a very self-critical way to frame things and I wouldn’t apply those standards to anyone else, they’re actually pretty mean!
I have lately been trying to approach things from a place of no expectations. It’s hard to enact for sure, but I try to focus on being present in the moment, being honest to who I am, and not thinking about what the future may or may not mean because I literally will not know. That has helped make things feel less high stakes for me because I can approach them from a place of “well, let’s just see what happens” rather than feeling like I need to hurry up and catch up on this thing that I will forever be behind on, when viewed a certain way.
I can’t speak as someone “on the other side” but speaking as someone on your side of things (e.g. I am 31 and have fairly limited dating experience) I think my attitude towards this is to (a) be clear with myself about what it is that I’m ultimately looking for or want and (b) being transparent about what I’m looking for. Danny Lavery wrote once to someone who had limited dating experience that instead of thinking about the sum total of experience, to approach things instead from a framework of “You need to know how to date this one person the way they want to be dated.” (I would try to link to this, but I tried some googling and didn’t come up with anything and this was a question that was asked on Dear Prudence at least 2+ years ago.) Despite my limited dating experience, I really believe that’s true and what it means is that our limited experience is enough – we are not lesser for having less dating experience, which I sometimes feel is implied when people start making assumptions about how much dating experience someone “should” have by a certain age.
I used to feel really insecure and nervous before dates, but I shifted my thinking in two stages. Maybe you can skip stage one and jump directly to stage two or maybe it’ll be helpful to have the same trajectory as I did.
1) When you go on a date you’re deciding if you like the person just as much as they’re deciding if they like you. You’re not auditioning or interviewing to be their date. If anything you’re interviewing each other. I guarantee whoever you’re on a date with has their own insecurities even if they are more experienced than you.
So that was the first step, but I found that I really didn’t enjoy dating, because the entire time I was thinking about whether I was into them. I was judging myself less, but judging them in a way that isn’t conducive to a first meeting. Which leads to…
2) Going on a date is just an opportunity to get to know a new person! It’s just an opportunity to get to have a new experience! Some dates will be great and lead to something more. Some dates will be great and not go further. Some dates will be just okay. And some dates will be truly bad and that sucks but it’s just part of it. All these scenarios still provide you the chance to at best connect with a new person and at worst learn more about yourself and what you’re looking for. The moment I stopped viewing dates in the context of potential futures and learned to appreciate them in the present the more I enjoyed dating and the more frequently I met people I actually liked while dating.
As far as disclosing your lack of experience I think you can take that case by case. You’re under no obligation to share that but you also can if it’ll make you feel better! I definitely experienced some of this last year since I’d been in a relationship since my transition and was dating for the first time as an out queer person. What I’ve found is that no matter people’s ages we all have very different experience levels with various things and it usually doesn’t matter all that much. Personally, I like to talk about things, but I’ve also found that sometimes I can overdiscuss something and complicate it in ways it didn’t need to be. I’m working on that for myself! So I don’t know. Maybe someone will have more guidance with this second part, but I do feel like it will case by case, and the main priority is to just go out on dates and enjoy them!
How to make dating feel less high stakes: practice mindfulness and stay in the present- remember that not everyone is going to turn out to be your soul mate (easier said than done especially for us futuristic anxious folks), focus on being friends first and pretend like your first dates are just ways for you to meet people who are interested in the same things as you, maintain confidence in yourself by reminding yourself that you’re amazing before every date, take yourself out on dates- don’t remember that you’re important and you deserve good things all by your lonesome as well.
And to your second question- direct communication is always important in my book, but I don’t think it’s necessary to mention those things super up front. Once you can see yourself developing a deeper more meaningful connection with someone you’re dating- I’m sure those things would naturally come up in conversation. If those are dealbreakers for someone, then they are not the right person for you!
I don’t necessarily have advice but this is basically my exact experience so I can say that you’re not the only one! Wishing both of us luck and happiness :)
Happy birthday, AS!
Thanks to all the great work you’ve done and the growing you’re continuing to do.
CW: mentions of drug/alcohol abuse, verbal abuse
I’m writing because I’m currently struggling with feelings of guilt regarding how to potentially cut off contact with a parent.
Backstory: Parent turned out to be an alcoholic/drug addict and went down a severe downward spiral some years ago (though I was a young adult in college at the time). Parent has never been great at communication, but after a 10-month span of no contact, I reached out to see if they would want to meet for our once-a-year dinner during the winter holiday season. When they finally got back to me, I was already booked with other commitments, and I didn’t feel particularly ready emotionally to see them on short notice. I sent a text asking for some boundaries (including a week’s notice before in-person visits), and they responded furiously and low-key said Bye, Felicia (along the lines of “You suck, but I hope you have a nice life!”).
Skipping my birthday, parent suddenly sent me a text from a new number a couple of weeks ago. Again, telling me that I’m basically someone without compassion or emotional intelligence (which I find very ironic), and then just devolving into what I think were drunken/high rants about their health/paranoid delusions/etc.
As much as I want to not be bothered by them, receiving these messages has really messed with my mood. I finally blocked the number this morning after more nasty texts and an attempted phone call late last night, but I’m worried because I don’t want to feel responsible if they decide to commit suicide and I wasn’t available to talk them down. My other parent (with whom I have a very good relationship) fully supports me blocking them, but it’s still hard.
Thank you to anyone who read this far. Any advice to make me feel less like a “bad” child for wanting to step away from this parent-child relationship?
Hi @zkapusinski
I have succesfully cut off both of my parents so I’ll share a little about how I did that.
After I wrote very briefly about my coming out experience both of my parents contacted me with threats of legal action and physical harm, and even contacted the publication and threatened them. That was the last straw for me so I did these four things.
1. told family that I was still in contact with that I was going to cut my parents off, that I didn’t want to hear about them or learn anything about how they felt/what they were up to.
2. Blocked their phone numbers, blocked them on every social media channel. Some people might say give warning but I didn’t. You don’t have to. If you’re parent treats you with a lack of love and respect you don’t owe it back.
3. Talk with a therapist and other support systems. Both of my therapists supported the blocking. I had been working with one of them on my trauma surrounding my mother for about two years at that point so she was very supportive and guided me through the process of creating space for myself/mapping out what my life would look like without my parents in it.
4. Read books on whatever kind of parent you have. For me that was books and narcissistic parents. I was given the book Toxic Parents to read a long time ago and it was really helpful to frame what I was going through and why my parents acted the way they did. I’ve had many friends who have found success going to Al Anon meetings, its like AA meetings but for when you aren’t the addict, but the person/people in the addicts life who their addiction is effecting.
You’re incredibly strong and brave for making the steps toward cutting them off to begin with. You’re not a bad child. As the child, your parent had a responsibility to not only raise you, but protect you and show you how you should be loved and cared for. Many parents fail at that for a variety of reasons, addiction being a pretty big one. That’s not on you. I’m adopted, so it’s helpful for me to frame it like this: parents can choose to not be parents whenever they want. They can send kids to foster care or up for adoption or to live with other family members. Why are we as the children bound to accept whatever parenting we get, no matter how harmful or neglectful? You’re an adult who has the autonomy to chose who gets to be in your life. If this parent is someone who you can’t have in it right now, you get to make that call.
Sending you lots of love and care <3
Hey, @danijanae.
Thank you for your kind words and advice. I will look into the book you recommended. You’re probably right about therapy/al anon. I’m in one of those situations where I’m working full-time and in grad school full-time, so I haven’t made therapy a priority (and have been nervous about the cost), but if the blocking isn’t sufficient until I finish my program in a couple months, I will have to make time.
Being both an international adoptee and queer, I hold my chosen family in the highest regard. I think I intellectually recognize that I can reject a parent who has caused (and is continuing to cause) trauma, but its hard for the nagging guilt. Also because the parent was generally a functioning parent for the first 17ish years of my life. And the parent keeps flip-flopping on whether they express disdain vs. love for me, so the roller coaster is maybe my block.
Anyway, thank you again. I’m going to try to follow your list as much as possible. <3
this sounds like such a hard situation, and i’m so impressed with how well it sounds like you’ve managed it so far. it sounds like you know what decision you need to make, and I understand how hard the feeling of being a bad kid is – it will probably be something to manage in the long term rather than being a quick fix, but you know that. I would remind you that you aren’t the only possible source of support for your parent, even if they are suicidal – there are resources for both addiction and suicidal ideation they have the option to turn to, and they’ve had the option their entire life to build other relationships and support networks for themselves. I would remember also that depending on how things go, any decision you make about this doesn’t need to be permanent – setting boundaries and expectations is healthy and healing for BOTH parties, not just you, and it’s possible your parent could at some point access resources that change their situation; it’s possible your setting boundaries about access to you could be a factor in their choosing to do so. i’m thinking of you, good luck <3
Thank you for mentioning (the non-necessity of) permanence. I will mull on that one some more. <3
Happy birthday, Autostraddle! 🎂
I didn’t fully come out to myself until I was 26 (now approaching 30), but before then I epitomized “methinks the lady doth protest too much”. To choose just one example, as a little kid, I had this “fear” that I would be “one of those women who divorces her husband to be with a man”. I’m delighted to have come to the realization that I can skip the marrying a man part, but I still feel a real sense of grief and loss for not having come out sooner, along with foolishness. Do you have any suggestions for how to resolve those feelings, or least sit with them more easily? (And yes I’ve talked about it with my therapist.)
Thank you!!
Hiiiiii! Look, the whole world is set up for heterosexuality so it’s kind of a miracle that any of us figure out that we’re queer. It really depends on what we’re taught growing up, the people we’re exposed to and a lot of factors out of our control. Of course, we should be allowed to grieve the queer childhood and teenagedom we missed out on. I think all the time about a girl I could have dated in high school if not for fear of being bisexual, and all the lovely memories I lost out on. It’s sad and it makes me so angry. It helps alleviate these feelings to do things to make the world a better place for younger queers — writing, volunteering, etc. Maybe use those feelings in an external way and find some place where you can help out the youth! It heals us to heal others, you know?
I felt really angry with myself my first six months or so out of the closet. Everything clicked so quickly once I realized my identity and it frustrated me that I’d somehow not known for so many years.
Then I went home for the holidays.
My parents still live in my childhood home and while I navigated their discomfort with my “new” identities I started to imagine an alternate history where I lived in that house fully as myself. I drove past my high school and imagined sitting in those classrooms fully as myself. I imagined graduating and moving across the country and going through college fully as myself. I felt so much grief about those lost years and thinking about this alternate history that grief deepened – but it also shifted.
Imagining these alternate scenarios made me realize the defense mechanism that being in the closet had been all those years. If I had known my full self I would’ve been stubborn and loud about it – but I’m also not sure I would’ve survived.
I’m not sure what your life looked like before 26 or what it would’ve looked like for you to be out. But I do know that sometimes things happen on the timeline they’re supposed to happen. Sometimes we’re just not ready to go through the world the way we’re meant to go through the world.
I understand how you feel. I still mourn an alternate youth – probably why I’m so obsessed with lesbian coming-of-age movies – but I’m also grateful that I came out when I did. And you should be grateful that you came out when you did. 26 is so young. 30 is so young. You’ve had three or four years now and then you’ll have five and ten and before you know it you’ll be in your 50s and have lived more years out of the closet than in. Don’t judge the past version of yourself for doing whatever she needed to do to get by. Just enjoy all these years left ahead of you. <3
As a very conflict avoidant person. I often struggle to talk about my feelings. This is a small issue but I figure it’s best to start on something small. I love movies and one best film friends is cis straight white guy. He has recently decided to put a real effort into diversifying the movies he watches. One of the ways which he is diversifying is he is trying to watch more “queer cinema”. In some ways this has been great for me. My queer friends are either not movie people or do not live close enough to make watching movies together a regular occurrence. So now I actually have someone to go to watch these movies with! The issue is the way he often talks and watches these movies makes me super uncomfortable. It feels very voyeuristic to me. At best when we talk about a movie afterwards it feels stilted (I think he is afraid of coming off as a straight film Twitter bro who doesn’t get the gay movie). At worst it feels fetishtic. I want to talk to him about this but I’m not sure how. Also I think part of the reason this is becoming such an issue for me is that when we hang out together people assume we are a straight couple. Which is uncomfortable even for him. Anyways thank you all so much for this space I really appreciate all the work you do!
I think if he’s open to diversifying his movie tastes he should be able to take some criticism. I would come from an educational place and tell him you know his intentions are good but this is what he’s sounding like to you and why. Give him specific examples of words or phrases he’s using that are making you uncomfortable; maybe even find some articles about the male gaze so he can understand what you mean (and that it’s not just a him thing, it’s a whole thing.) I think if you approach him with an attitude of discussion, if he’s a good dude, he’ll be at least willing to hear you out, even if it takes him a while to truly understand.
Thank you!
What Valerie said! And if this dude isn’t open to being better about how he talks about queer people, in movies or otherwise, then he probably isn’t a good friend for a real life queer person, which is you!
I feel like sometimes we think that friendships require no work and no awkward convos and not having to tell them if they’ve hurt you as if they’re completely different than romantic partnerships. The older I get the more I realize friendships are a lot more like partnerships and that it’s better to treat them that way!
Thank you!
Happy birtday Autostraddle!!
You have no idea how much I love you guys.
I need some advice.
I kinda broke it off with my girlfriend a couple months ago. I realized she was not the one for me and I’m leaving town by August and I don’t want her to come with. We’ve been together for 4 years, my longest relationship to date. And we’ve been living together for 3 years. We are in a weird place right now because when I told her I wanted to leave alone, we settled on having a honeymoon to say goodbye to each other. I love her but I think she’s really in s good place for this and I’m patient and get it when she’s not feeling 100% herself. Anywho, what bothers be is that I noticed last week that she was gaslighting me and that wasn’t cool at all. Where I’m getting at is, really confirmation that I should trust my gut and tell her it’s really over, to pack her things and leave because I don’t really want to have that type of stuff in my life. What’s stopping me is that we have a trip planned together 4 months from now and I already bought the very expensive tickets, I can also say fuck it and travel on my own. I guess all I’m looking for is for someone to give me a little push to stand my ground and say what I really mean to say.
There’s always going to be an expensive ticket or a long-planned event or a shared dream to give you an excuse to stay and to not make the change you know you need in your life. Make the change.
Hi everyone!
This is timely, because I was just scanning autostraddle for resources this morning! Over the past year my girlfriend has started to name some of their chronic pain & illness symptoms as they have progressed, and recently discovered that it looks likely that they have fibromyalgia. This is a really new thing for both of us, and I would really love any resources you all would recommend about living with chronic pain and also how to be a good partner to someone living with chronic pain. Navigating our sex life? Navigating the US’s nightmare healthcare system? Being a lesbian couple that is resisting codependency and also acknowledging the way capitalism values individuality over our wellbeing? You know. Just simple things.
Thanks for all you do!
hi! i have fibromyalgia but i do feel as though from talking to other people with it that my symptoms are relatively mild on the scale of severity. i love that you are wanting to be a good partner to someone with chronic pain! a few years back i was casually seeing someone after a serious but unhealthy relationship and while i was visiting them i had a really severe fibro situation happening and their willingness to slow down, to hold my wrists in this one particular way that brings me comfort, to be cool with spending the rest of the afternoon watching Black Mirror in a migraine tent — it meant so much to me and really threw into vision how wonderful it can be to have a partner who supports you when you are feeling bad! in the past i’d mostly tried to keep it to myself, manage it myself, not let anybody in. but i was in a really vulnerable place so i cracked the door more than usual.
that being said, i usually do try to not ask anything of anyone else, and i’m not sure if that’s healthy or not. but for me the biggest things are exercise and sleep. i need both or else i will quickly spiral into really bad pain. so being supportive of those needs i think is all i would want from someone. i had a consistent conflict with an ex about who slept at whose apartment (when i stayed with her, i had to sacrifice either exercise or sleep to be at work on time, whereas her schedule was less demanding and she didn’t have those same needs) and it was really frustrating — it felt kinda like she just didn’t believe me. i think trusting her when she tells you what she needs or wants or how she feels…. that can really go a long way.
Happy birthday and happy Purim!
Here’s my question: my girlfriend’s parents are takings us to Vegas for her 30th birthday in May. I’ve never been before! What’s some fun gay shit we can do there with or ideally without her parents?
Oh hey! I live in Vegas now for a writing residency (along with Kayla) and would love to rec you some queer things!
Downtown Las Vegas (Old Vegas) has a bunch of very cool arts stuff as well as good restaurants and bars. Every place has happy hour (with food, a delight)! Writers Block is the Indie bookstore and they are fantastic. We have heard great things about Oddfellows (gay bar/club) and are planning to head over there probably this weekend? Themed dance parties every night of the week, pretty much! Then there are always a lot of good performers in town if you’re willing to throw down some birthday cash. Mariah was just here two weeks ago and tickets weren’t awful price-wise.
@10ysson I’ll be in Vegas next week for Altitude and ILS with another Straddler, would you and Kayla be interested in meeting up?
i have been to vegas like …… too many times for some reason.
and last time my favorite gay shit was kristen + kayla.
it has a great food scene!
if you like a breakfast buffet, the one at the wynn is hands down the best. also all the good buffets are very expensive and all the cheap buffets are bad.
once i went there with an ex and we went to a like showgirls type show that was really cheap and it was funny
we are indeed the best gay shit in vegas
srsly @kaylakumari we’re gonna be in Vegas next week for four days, if you ever wanted to go to a sex toy industry trade show you can ride on my ticket. Or just see a couple other Straddlers!
YAY vegas is great! I obviously second everything Kristen said, especially the bookstore! it’s a very queer city I’ve found, but I definitely recommend downtown vs. the strip. there’s also the gayborhood! it’s called the Fruit Loop lol
Happy birthday Autostraddle! I’m so happy you’re here and I love you a lot.
Thank you! We love you too!
THANK U MICHELLE
Happy birthday y’all!
I have a simple, but seemingly intractable problem: my wife (just married this summer) hates my dog. She dislikes, but does not fear, most dogs. My 10 year old lab mix has been with me since she was a puppy, is a big part of my life, and I love her to pieces. I should point out that she is a good dog, but she is still a dog – she has a cold nose, she steals underwear, and she follows you around the house (all things my wife can’t stand). My wife makes me feel bad for doing silly things like saying she’s the best dog in the world.
I can’t change how she feels about the dog, but the way she expresses these feelings really hurts my feelings! It feels weird that this is the biggest problem in our relationship, but we just can’t seem to talk our way out of it.
Oh no, I’m so sorry to hear this! As a dog owner (and dog lover), I fully understand that this would be super distressing for you. You love your dog, you love your partner, it puts you right in the middle of a bad situation. Probably my best advice to you would be to have a very frank conversation with your wife about your boundaries on this. That you understand she doesn’t love dogs (and that she doesn’t get along with yours), but that your pet is a big, important part of your life, and when she expresses things to you this way, it not only hurts your feelings, it is detrimental to your relationship with her. If she loves you, then she’ll understand and work on a compromise that doesn’t leave you feeling so awful about it all the time. It might be a conversation you have to have more than once, likely ongoing.
Again, I am sorry. Wishing you lots of luck and love with this. <3
Hey! Gonna do the best I can here given our situations don’t exactly line-up. My girlfriend has a dog and we live together. A very sweet but wildly energetic dog that. I like most dogs and get along with them quite well. However, that does not change the fact that I simply do not want a dog and there are times when it is very annoying to me that I now kind of have one anyway! I’m an adult! Very frustrating to have something that’s such a big part of your life be firmly out of your control.
What has made the situation better is simply the dog doing the things that I find annoying less. Which is just about training. I’m not saying that your dog isn’t well-behaved, what I’m saying is that there are probably some things the dog does that are especially bothersome to her and most, if not all, you can train away. You mentioned the dog follows her around the house. Have you thought about teaching the dog a prolonged stay so when she leaves a room, she can ask the dog not to follow? Another option is making sure the dog has a crate or bed that’s just for her. My girlfriend’s dog loves her house! She’s primarily there of her own accord because my girlfriend made it a place she enjoys being. Since it’s not about being punished, she goes there very easily and if your girlfriend ever needs a break, she can tell the dog to go to bed or go home or whatever the command is.
I’m somewhat familiar with training and living with dogs but I wasn’t comfortable taking over that responsibility initially since it’s not my dog. I explicitly had a conversation about the things I absolutely needed to change for me to not lose my mind. I would encourage you to have that talk if you haven’t already which hopefully will cut down on the weird side comments. I think if she sees you really trying to weed out the bigger issues she has, it will make her feel heard which will go a long way patience-wise on its own. And if she’s seems up for it, getting her involved might help since she’ll feel part of the victory when she sees some of the training take hold. I would try to empower her to have a part in fixing the problem if she’s up for it and give her major props whenever you see improvement. Also, if there’s anything she does to help out with the dog like feeding or walking or giving the pup a bath, make sure you’re showing appreciation for that.
What’s important to remember is nothing will fix itself. The dog isn’t automatically going to just stop eating underwear but the dog probably can stop eating underwear! It takes time and patience but the sooner you make the changes a priority, the quicker they’ll become better.
Happy birthday Autostraddle! I love you so much.
Here’s my question: names. Why are they so hard? I’m a trans gal trying to work up the nerve to take that last big step out of the closet. My immediate family (wife & kids) are super supportive and great, but the rest of the family and the job and most friends are unaware. I feel like I “have to” do a million things before I am “allowed” to publicly transition, but I know those are not the most trustworthy feelings. Except the one about needing a name.
I’m pretty set on Harriet (Haddie for short) for my middle name, which I hope most family and friends will use … but for a professional/first name I am wracked with indecision. I want it to be simple and start with J, but … Jean? Jane? Jo? Jinkies, this is too hard. How do people do it?!
Second question: why are the bosses in Sekiro so hard?!? I get like 30 minutes every other day to play games, I have only normal human reflexes, and I feel like I’m doomed to getting permanently stuck before too long. As someone once said, Jinkies this is too hard.
Can’t trust anyone after my divorce. It’s been three years (we were married for five). It’s like I’ve lost my ability to connect with other people romantically/sexually. Am in therapy but it’s not helping. What to do?
wow is this relatable! if you’re in therapy then that’s a great first step, and I think therapy + time does end up being a lot of it. I would say there’s also something to practicing and setting low/manageable expectations for yourself – trusting in a Relationship way or even a Dating way is a lot; if you can pursue something more on the level of Work Friend I Chat With Regularly and Pleasantly or Semi-Regular Hookup Whose Company I Mostly Enjoy, if you’re into that, it might help build those muscles again and give you small acts of trust (we agreed to get lunch on our lunch break, etc) to experiment with. I know how scary it feels to feel like you might not be able to ever really do this again; I feel that way too, and I’m hopeful we’ll both get through it. <3
This was helpful and made me feel less alone. Thank you and I wish all the best for both of us <3
Hi! Happy birthday, Autostraddle! Realized today that I’ve been reading since at least 2011 when I was a baby baby queer googling “how to tell if you are a lesbian”. Nine years later and still trying to figure it out, but we are working on it:)
Ok somewhat time-sensitive, low stakes question: When do you text after the first date??
I took Rachel’s awesome advice about sliding into a gorgeous Instagram babe’s DMs, it WORKED, we went on a first date yesterday (coffee/walk/bookstore browsing!) and it was lovely and I really like her! BUT because I slid into her DMs unsolicited, I’m wondering if I should cool it on texting about a second date? But then I also don’t want to be ~too cool~ because directness is hot?
thank you for all you do and providing this space!!
i think you can text her the same night or the next day. like if you haven’t texted her yet, text her right now! you don’t have to plan the date to be today or anything, you can plan the second date to be later this week, next week, whenever. but also…. text her today.
I texted my current girlfriend IMMEDIATELY after our first kind-of-non-date because her brake light was out and I saw this while she was leaving the parking garage ahead of me. So. You do you! It doesn’t have to be mushy! You can just say, “hey, did you know your brake light is out?” and it actually opened up room for us to have more casual conversation which was nice. I hope this is helpful.
Also, if it’s late and they’re off to their home, I was/am always glad to get a “thank you and I got home safe!” text :)
Wow I love this story!! I texted her yesterday, still waiting for a response, but I shot my shot thanks to all y’all :)
text her!!
This is a book question for Casey!
I often struggle to connect with my brother, who is straight and steadily checking off all the accomplishments expected of him by heteronormative society–marriage, kids, house in the suburbs, etc, while I am…none of that. One of our main points of connection is a shared love of fantasy novels. Any suggestions for what I should get him for his birthday? His favorite books include The Name of the Wind and the Saga of Recluce books. I want to get him something that he will genuinely enjoy that has queer characters. I believe I have already gotten him The Fifth Season and Fire Logic in past years. Thank you!
Gideon The Ninth!
Hello Leora!
It’s nice to hear that even though you and your brother have very different lives you can connect over books! (:
In addition to Kayla’s idea of Gideon the Ninth (especially if he likes kind of wacky world building), I would suggest
– The Priory of the Orange Tree by Samantha Shannon (especially for the epic Tolkien kind of feeling–comparable to Patrick Rothfuss and L.E. Modesitt as well I think)
– JY Yang’s silkpunk fantasy Tensorate series–you can start with either The Black Tides of Heaven or The Red Threads of Fortune–very unique worldbuilding in these!
-Olondira series by Sofia Samatar (The Winged Histories is book #2 and the one with the queer characters, but you’d probably want to start him on A Stranger in Olondria)
Good luck!
I would love to talk about books and/or Buffy. Just letting you know (:
Ha, I spoke too soon! Look at the book question above this comment hehe.
Or books on Buffy? Have you read anything from Fighting the Forces?
I have not! Should I??
I am on the hold list at the library for Emily Nussbaum’s book I Like to Watch which has a chapter on Buffy. It’s supposed to be really good!
Hi Autostraddle and happy birthday!
Any advice for a trans polyam sapphic who recently (as in the past couple days) amicably separated from their wife of 8.5 years? There’s no bad blood to speak of, it’s just been a long time since I’ve been without a nesting partner, and also the first time I’ve been without one since starting to transition. What are some tips on finding the me versus the former us if you have some?
I’d say explore hobbies that you maybe dropped or didn’t do as much when you were in the relationship, or searching out new ones!
Do you think you’re either a person who can do hookups or a person who cannot do hookups? Can someone change from one to the other?
I wish I could be a hookup person! I feel like I can only do sexy stuff with people I’m really comfortable and/or feel a real chemistry with and this just doesn’t happen very often. When it does I get attached and am upset if it doesn’t go anywhere, particularly as it may be actual years until I kiss and have sex with someone again.
I suppose I just don’t feel like a very casual person, I can’t imagine having good sex with someone and then not wanting to keep having sex with them on a regular basis. How do people have good one night stands and then not want more?!
I feel like I’m missing out on all the sex! But also maybe I’m only meant for relationships, which I also don’t seem to be very good at starting…
I think it’s possible that some people associate sex with attachment/relationships more than others, and therefore maybe a lifestyle of hookups/casual sex feels easier or more natural to some than others, but I don’t think anything is really set in stone! I also want to point out that there’s another option between one night stands and relationships – casual dating! It’s totally possible to have sex with someone again after having good sex with them once but also not be their girlfriend; if both of you had a good time but neither of you want a relationship, you can just see each other and have sex regularly without it being serious. vanessa wrote a great article about it! if you read that article and think ‘I could never do that, why would I not just want them to be my gf,’ then possibly you are a more relationship-oriented person, my friend. in which case that’s helpful to know about yourself, and you can prioritize pursuing relationships!
Purely from my own experience, I am also not a person who can do hookups very well and I have thus far in my life been this way! So I think you can be a person who does / does not do hookups but I would hope that either way people don’t feel like they need to change! That also means that there are other people out there like you and me who are also looking for sex that goes along with a relationship–this could be a good thing to say you’re looking for, maybe in an online dating profile?
Also: have you explored the concept of demisexuality? Might be something to look into. It’s a sexual orientation where you don’t experience sexual attraction to someone until after an emotional bond has formed. It might not necessarily apply to you, but you might find solidarity in queer people who also identify as demisexual?
Hi Heather Hogan as a fellow Heather I strive to one day be as cool as you in regards to cat rescue and taking no shit! I’m working on it!
I have a question for any of the fashion butches. I need a new swim top and I had one from Outplay that I loved but it didn’t have enough nipple coverage for my liking. What can I wear as a small plus size person to cover my chest that also doubles as man repellent? Are the tomboyx ones good?
I forgot I had another one! I’d love to have a masculine nickname but neither my first or last name works well with being shortened, and my initials aren’t easy to say together. Nothing feels organic in any way. How do you find something that works?
Hi not autostraddle team, but I had an old-school butch mentor growing up whose birth name was Heather, and everyone called her Hank! I know that might be a bit *banjo sounds* but it suited her very well haha.
omg i love hank
I always liked that the kid in Imagine Me & You went by “H”.
Happy birthday, AS! Thanks for always being here when I’ve had baby queer shit to figure out <3
I think I have a pattern of getting into intense codependent things with girls (it's never progressed beyond the platonic because I only recently realised I maybe wanted it to!) My primary relationship is very healthy, but (with partner's blessing) I told my best friend I had a crush on her several months ago. It was not mutual, we stayed friends, but now I'm realising I'm repeating the same unhealthy relationship dynamics I always have – I've let her take over my life and I get horribly sad and jealous whenever her dating life comes up. The thing is, she's actually lovely and not a bad friend – unlike the other people this has happened with – and I feel like this is all me twisting a great friendship into something complicated. Has anyone been here? How do I long-term break this habit?
Codependency is such a difficult, lifelong thing to divest ourselves of! I totally understand and feel for you, and admire you for working to keep your friendship healthy! I think as far as codependence, it’s helpful sometimes to notice what your specific behaviors around it can be (do you offer to run errands or do tasks for her when she could do them herself? pay for things you don’t need to? insist on finding solutions to her problems? avoid making other plans in case she’s free?) and come up with alternatives/plans to do the opposite (“next time she mentions a problem to me, I will say X to validate and listen, but I will not offer solutions or try to fix it”). it might make things a little different or weird at first, but overall might make things a lot better – setting boundaries can often make us feel much freer and respect ourselves and others more. two books related to this I like a lot are codependent no more and the dance of intimacy!
the other possibility here is that some of the stuff you’re describing, like the jealousy, isn’t really about codependence – it’s just about having feelings for her. if that’s the case, then self-work isn’t necessarily going to fix it; you may need to take some space from this friendship to let those feelings cool off a little.
i’m thinking of you! good luck! <3
Happy birthday! What are some of your favorite memories over the past year?
In general: I spent some really fun times with friends in New Orleans and St. Louis. (And also they came to visit me in New York and we saw Jagged Little Pill…twice.) It always feels like a big adult sleepover when we travel together and it makes me so happy.
At Autostraddle: Honestly I just love the TV Team. Every Boob Tube or list or roundtable we do together is always so much fun. Also, whenever someone on the TV Team comes into our slack channel and asks for one (1) example of something (for example, a fictional lesbian wearing a hat) and we take off and end up with a mile-long thread of fictional TV characters with all kinds of things on their heads.
To anyone: how do you know when to let a friendship go?
When you are putting in more than you’re getting out on a regular basis. (All friendships are unbalanced at times, but if the scales are always tipped in one direction, that’s a red flag.) When you get a text from them and find yourself groaning instead of being happy to hear from them. When you don’t see them for a little while and realize you’re happier. When you’ve tried to have conversations about what’s not working for you but nothing changes.
And also, one thing that has helped me a lot with my adult friendships is that just because a friendship isn’t working like it used to (because of situations or people changing; I’ve grown out of a lot of people as I change and mature and they stay the same), doesn’t mean you have to let it go entirely. Sometimes I’ve learned I just have to reframe the friendship. Someone who used to be my go-to or someone I talked to daily or person I shared my deeper emotional stuff with maybe isn’t holding up their end of the deal, so I shift them to a surface friend. Someone who is fun to have a drink with but I keep a little more at arm’s length than I used to.
But life’s too short to waste energy on people who aren’t spending energy on you, or who are draining more of your energy than they’re giving back. There are people out there who deserve your energy more. It’s hard, and it sucks, and sometimes ghosting a friend doesn’t work so you have to have a proper breakup and it hurts and it sucks but sometimes it’s just so, so necessary.
Good luck!
Great question, @charrrlotte. The reasoning for ending a friendship and the reasoning for ending a relationship are actually pretty similar…though, I think, sometimes we’re more willing to stay in unhealthy friendships because, in a lot of cases, they last longer than most relationships do. We guilt ourselves into maintaining friendships that aren’t working.
I think you have to ask yourself some important questions: is the friendship holding you back from growth (professionally, personally or otherwise)? Does the friendship feel abusive or manipulative in any way? A friend of mine had another friend who was flippant about her sobriety and even though they’d been friends since they were kids, she had to let that friendship go to protect herself.
Has the friendship become transactional…or, in other words, are you doing things in this friendship because you feel like you have to, not because you want to? But perhaps the most important question: do you feel like, if you were going through a situation, that person would be equally as willing to support you as you’d be in supporting them, if the situation warranted it?
I think those questions really get at the heart of it. Don’t be afraid to let a friendship go. Sometimes friendships are only meant to last for a season and that’s okay.
hey Charlotte,
this is a hard thing to do and there can be so many different reasons to do something like this.
based off of my own experience, I’ve realized I had the following thoughts when deciding to let go of a friendship:
1) I don’t like this person anymore. Still love em in a way but yeah, just can’t generally stand to be around them.
Maybe I don’t like them because:
1a) they’re not interested in me in any way. conversation always revolves around them no matter what. getting occasional presents or “saw this/ thought of you” texts is, to me, them throwing me a bone.
2a) we had a really strong friendship but we’re really extremely different now and can’t talk about anything.
3a) they’re annoying/ aggressive and it’s their entire personality
2) I like this person but they have some traits that I’m just not down with. For me, it’s tended to be when people are extremely judgmental.
3) Sometimes it’s just been our energy levels just do not match up, ever. Although, in these cases I tend to just not see them as much but we’ll seek each other out when we’re what we need.
4) this is not someone I want to be around. we are not helping each other grow, we do not embody the type of values/ traits etc. we want to surround ourselves with.
Sometimes I realized I’ve held onto friendships out of habit, which sounds harsh. But it would be like we keep reaching out to each other with all of these expectations of what we want out of each other and it’s just…not there anymore. we’ve changed/ it never existed in the first place. There’s so much nuance here. I’d always recommend a conversation. I’m not sure with my biggest friend break up having conversations about how we’re both failing each other in the relationship and how to improve would have “saved” our relationship but it would have been worth it out of respect for ourselves and each other and also to make my “hey, we’re not good for each other. don’t contact me I need a break” seem not so out of the fucking blue.
A question I’m now considering is: when has it been worth it to keep working at it?
ope didn’t see Natalie and Valerie Anne’s answers before!
Hi pals. My partner and I mostly are pretty secure in our relationship, but when we get upset enough, I get avoidant and they get anxious. It’s okay when just one of us is having a hard time, but when we both are, I feel like I need space and they want closeness. It can leave me feeling panicked and trapped, and them feeling like I’m unwilling to put in the effort to fix things. We’ve been working to try and take breaks from conversations that are becoming triggering, but it’s slow progress.
Any tips?
Hi not AS team, but I’m going through a recent break up as the person who was the more anxious attachment style person. When my ex dumped me they said many things that reflect some of what you are saying here, particularly about panicking/trapped on their end, and I for sure felt there was an unwillingness to put effort in.
Do you feel like you could say what you said here to your partner? Have you communicated how this disconnect in your attachment styles/needs is making you feel? Are you both on the same page about what you are working on and wanting to work through it?
My ex didnt and that’s what hurt me the most, they decided it wasn’t worth communicating or seeing how I felt/thought about the disconnect, before just surprising me and dumping me very unexpectedly.
Hey Jay. Sorry to hear about that hurtful situation with your ex! That sounds really painful.
I’m grateful that my partner and I have been able to talk about this and are mostly on the same page. I think we have some underlying differences in what we think it means to be a supportive and committed partner while still being an independent human, but we are both clear about our attachment styles and why they are sometimes in conflict. We’ve been trying to come up with concrete strategies to improve our communication and create trust and stability (while also independently working towards that sweet sweet secure attachment style). It’s really fucking hard and not going great! But we are trying and very slowly getting better at it.
Hello, this question is for Keah, A Andrews, Carrie, and/or anyone else who’d like to answer. My body is changing in a lot of ways that I do not understand. My physical disability started a few years ago, when I was focused on working on my depression and PTSD. I’m very lucky to have made lots of progress on my mental health, but now my body seems like it’s falling apart. My doctors are cool, I think, but sometimes nobody has the answers, you know?
I read your wonderful replies to Kate’s question earlier and really appreciated them. I’m wondering, how do I deal with this sense of loss? I can’t do so many of the things that connected me to my community and were the closest thing to spirituality I’ve experienced. I’m a person who likes to schedule things in advance and now I feel like I have no idea how I’m going to feel a month, a week, or a day from now. I don’t know how to trust my body anymore. What do I do?
Am I too late?
So I’m a late bloomer who’s almost through a divorce from her husband of 10 years. It’s been rough but boy do I like women.
Here’s my problem. I’m very in love with a much younger woman and we are in a very long distance relationship now. She was a college student and moved back to Europe. I’m a mom In the US. She has grad school and her twenties ahead of her and I have my career, finalizing my divorce and starting my life over. I love this woman deeply on so many levels. She loves me. We are insanely compatible and passionate and sweet to each other. She’s my favorite person in the entire world and I think of her 98% of the day. But the distance and time make our relationship so difficult. I have visited her once In the past 6 months but I do not know when I’ll be able to see her again due to our very different schedules and life phases.
Do I wait for her and ask her to wait for me? Or do I break her heart and my own and try to move on? She is my first woman lover as I am hers and we’ve been through so much together.
this sounds like such a tough situation, and i’m so sorry for you and the person you’re with. it’s so hard when things are difficult and when you aren’t sure when or if it will ever change. I know this advice can sometimes feel tired, but in the end this is a decision you need to make together – this is a choice that affects both of you, and you don’t need to make it all on your own and let her deal with the consequences. talk with her about your hopes for the future and your fears about the present, and ask about hers, and talk about what you feel the options are – maybe she has some thoughts about possibilities that haven’t occurred to you. i’m wishing you both the best <3
Hiiii, how do I lean into toppiness? (top-ness?)
For me, it seems like so much of topping—aside from technique—comes down to confidence, attitude, and (embracing one’s) power, three things I struggle with on a consistent basis. Now, I have successfully topped on a few occasions but I don’t know how to make it more of a practice. And I’ve rarely been the one to initiate it (i.e., chosen to top vs. being asked to top).
I mostly identify as a bottom, and I thoroughly enjoy bottoming, but part of me wonders if I would identify as more vers/more of a switch if I felt better about my topping abilities. Any advice would be much appreciated.
this is such a good question! I do think a lot of it comes down to, as you say, “confidence, attitude, and (embracing one’s) power” — obviously a maybe ideal way to really get those things developed is by practicing, but as with most things related to sex, the next best thing to practice is fantasy and exploring that way. what do you actually enjoy/get turned on by wrt topping? if you build a fantasy for yourself where you’re topping, what genuinely sounds hot to you? practicing that way in your head is low-risk and can let you think about what kind of top/topping you actually want to be and do, rather than the externalized concern about what a “good top” is to someone else. if you imagine yourself being a stern, mean top, does that sound hot to you? if you imagine being a loving, playful top to a bratty bottom, does that feel good & exciting? you can also practice by touching yourself/masturbating the way you’d imagine touching someone bottoming for you, and see what it feels like/what feels different — maybe the shift in perspective has you doing things differently/noticing different things you’d like to try. like so many things in life, I feel like the best way to really tap into your own top self is by connecting with what really feels good and authentic to you about it, as opposed to what seems like would constitute being “good.”
This is a great answer
This has been such helpful advice! I had hoped/planned to put more of this to actual use until the ‘roni came along and now we’re all on lockdown which is a bummer but I get to play around and practice with myself which is important too, probably most important. Anyway, thank you!!!
Okay, I’m in, I’m signing up for A+. I’ve been reading content on here for a little over three years I think? And from recipes to recaps this site gives me so much joy in my day I’m a little annoyed with myself I wasn’t a member sooner. But! Now with a steadier income, I can jump in on keeping around my go-to for queer media. Here’s to a good year, happy birthday!
Thank you so much, @hopsalong!
thank you!!!
WELCOMEEEEE!!! <3 another A+ member!!!
Hi Autostraddle! Happy Birthday!
I have a question for the team members that have experience in career coaching. I’m working on making a big move, hopefully in late 2020/early 2021.
I’m a CPA and I have a very stable, well paying gig in local government. Prior to getting hired here, I was a freelance bookkeeper (and I still have a small side practice doing accounting and tax prep stuff). Going from being self-employed to working in a rigid, boring office environment was a tough transition but I’ve been here for 11 years so clearly the perks have outweighed the drawbacks but I’m considering making my side hustle my full-time job.
Perks: Fair compensation, great benefits, relatively normal working hours, pension
Cons: Extremely rigid scheduling, difficult to get time off approved, constantly dealing with the demands of elected officials, my boss is kind of crazy
I have a wife and an almost three year old and I’m starting to feel like my time is getting more and more precious to me. The idea of being able to make my own hours and spend more time with my family is sounding very appealing. Benefits will be provided via my wife’s job and I’ll still be able to collect a small pension when I retire, but obviously won’t be nearly as much as it would be if I stayed here for the remainder of my career.
Am I going to ruin my life if I quit my job? I really think that with some hard work, I could have a thriving little business but change is scary.
Any advice for someone looking to set up a solo tax/accounting practice? Advice for a freelancer or self-employed person in general?