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Sex: it’s complicated! Some people like some things and other people like other things and some people love things other people do not like at all! For most people, there’s some kind of sex they can’t get into. Maybe they’ve tried it and just don’t like it. Maybe it’s super popular but they’ve never really been interested in giving it a go. Or maybe there are reasons they simply can’t do the thing for physical or emotional or medical reasons. The only universally true thing about sex is everyone wants to know what everyone else is up to (or not up to) so this week’s roundtable explores the sex things our writers just can’t get into.

Laneia, Executive Editor, Group Sex

I know myself, I know my anxieties and the limitations they create, and I know I’d have to be on some high-end tranquilizers to calm myself down enough to even ring the doorbell to the house where group sex was supposed to be taking place. I’d be too worried about literally everything: my body, how my face looks, seeing these people in the future, a house fire, nails sticking up out of the floor, mites, cameras, my body again, finding water, serial killers, microscopic cuts, I’m short, the possibility of crying, global warming, my nose is severe, needing to pee, did I text my step-brother happy birthday, the time I went to a parent-teacher conference after drinking a beer with lunch because I forgot the conference was that afternoon and I definitely smelled like beer, did I eat breakfast. I would never be able to shut my brain down enough to be naked and fucking around more than one other person who was also naked and fucking.

Riese, Editor-in-Chief, 69, Morning Sex

I find “69’ing,” as it is popularly known, to be sort of silly and also very distracting! I cannot concentrate fully on what’s happening on either end and therefore the experience is generally mediocre and also I feel like we are animals petting each other with our tongues. Also much to the chagrin of literally every girl I’ve ever been with, I’m not really a fan of morning sex? Sometimes it’s okay but in general in the morning I just really wanna brush my teeth and shower before I rub my body all over somebody else’s or even, quite honestly, interact with myself or with a computer in any meaningful way. I’d like them to also bathe and brush their teeth as well, thank you. The only activity I like to do before taking a shower is going to the gym.

This will sound crass… but somehow I managed morning sex better when I dated guys? Basically, I’d just be rolled over on my side and they’d do it from behind from a spooning position and then they were usually done in like three minutes and then I could go shower. It was very romantic, clearly.

Although to be honest — it’s a lot easier to be chill about when and where sex happens when I’m with partners (read: cis men) who are absolutely going to come themselves and who absolutely do not care if I come or not. I think I got a lot more particular about what I was doing when I started sleeping with people (read: women) who put a lot of pressure on me to be able to come from whatever it was we had chosen to do. Don’t get me wrong, I very greatly prefer sex with women to sex with cis men! But. That pressure is real, y’all, and I wish it wasn’t!

Heather, Senior Editor, Penetrative Sex

Last year I had diagnostic and then therapeutic surgery for endometriosis and whoooo boi if you could have seen the inside of my body. Basically all of my organs were covered in endometrial tissue and some of them were stuck together, which means that anything inserted into my vagina had been causing a push/pull situation on a variety of organs and nerves and ligaments that did not need to be pushed/pulled. Like touching a literal raw nerve. Punching it, actually. Even just a pap smear was torture for me. Weirdly none of the women I ever dated seemed to believe me about how badly it hurt to be penetrated, until I met Stacy. They took it so personally. So many questions about had I ever let this or that girl do this or that thing, and if so why was I holding back with them. Didn’t I trust them enough to use this or that to make it easier? Didn’t they turn me on? It made me sad but mostly it just made me angry. Putting all your own insecurities on another person’s body is not a kind thing to do. If not being able to penetrate your partner is a dealbreaker, that’s cool. But trying to emotionally manipulate someone into doing something they told you hurts them? No, ma’am. When my doctor was showing me pictures of my surgery last year I seriously considered asking him to give them to me on a flash drive so I could email them to everyone I’d ever slept with who guilted me about penetration — but I did not because those pictures are very gross and my sex life now is very good now with someone who got it before she knew there was an intense medical reason for it. I think one day I might learn to like penetrative sex. I’m up for trying now at least. But also it wouldn’t surprise me if it’s just not something I’ll ever been able to get into. My endometriosis symptoms and pain went misdiagnosed for 22 years. That’s a lot of time to build up a grudge against the inside of your vagina.

Erin, Staff Writer, Verbally Degrading Sex

I’m pretty cran-razz when it comes to sex, in that the power of suggestion likely has a 99% success rate with me, but it’s the unknowns that keep me from asserting a guaranteed yes across the board. Like, has someone asked me if they can be in a diaper and have me pretend that I’m nursing them, or whatever it is that’s involved in diaper play? No, they haven’t. Will someone? I don’t know! But that would probably be a no from me. Probably! Because also who cares. A big part of sex is experiencing someone else’s experience and if someone seemed super into that, who knows. Where I am going with this? Anyway, within a conversation I was having with someone I was getting to know boundary-wise, I found one of my exceptions! We established that most things were on the table, but she added a caveat: “Don’t be like… mean? To me?” Immediately, I was like, oh, no, yes, I get you, that’s not for me. Not, “Oh, no, you said something in a demanding way,” or, “Oh, no, you were aggressive in this way,” or, “Oh, no, you teased me and then stopped,” like objectively, verbally mean. This is not appealing to me on a delivering or receiving end! Thanks.

Molly Priddy, Staff Writer, Shower Sex

Before I complain about a beautiful woman wanting to touch me while both of our naked bodies are glistening and clean and wet and warm, let me first say that I think showers in general are a waste of time and also somehow very gross.

I hate that I have to wash this stupid body every day, and if a shower curtain or wall even grazes my skin, I freeze and freak out and have to have a mental talk with myself to calm down and get clean and get the fuck out of there. My ideal shower is three minutes long.

So when some hot babe wants to shower with me, I’m like, “Great!!” and then I literally just shower with her, because oh my god the idea of being pressed against the wall or having to hold myself up or get down on my knees or sit in there makes my skin feel like it needs to escape my body immediately. There’s no way I can get to the brain space of “oh yeah that feels amazing, wow!” when I’m in the brain space of, “ok once I finish washing my body I’M OUT OF THIS WEIRD WATER PRISON.”

Plus, having had shower sex a few times just to make sure I don’t like it, I can say it’s bad.

Carolyn, NSFW Editor and Literary Editor, Oral Sex

I don’t care about oral sex. Sexual partners often reassure me that maybe my problem (“problem”) is that no one has actually been good at it, but they, the person in front of me, are extremely good at it, and would really sincerely like to open my eyes. They have been patient. They have agreed to use dental dams, to get tested together so we don’t need to use dental dams, to talk it through, to wait, to restrain themselves to whispering “let me taste you” in my ear in public places where we are playing more with the idea than the reality.

Eventually I start to feel like sure, why not, maybe this time, and then hate it immediately.

I don’t want to feel vulnerable like that, I don’t want to feel self-conscious like that, I don’t want to worry about the UTI my body inevitably winds up every time, and I don’t really want to feel sticky. I don’t want the singular and visceral throwback to the first time I ever had sex, which was neither positive nor consensual. (This is my language for it, deal.) My clit goes numb. After a little while, other parts of me go numb. I stop being present. I stop wanting to be.

I think that oral sex can be beautiful and special and a key component of queer sex, especially when practiced with safer sex barriers, and I am sure it’s a great time for you and will tell you about a million ways to have it like it’s my job because it is if you’re into that, but I don’t give a shit about it personally so stop trying to convince me. I don’t want to receive it. I don’t want to give it. I don’t really want to watch it in porn or a group sex scenario or whatever, though I will if I have to, to be polite. But get your face out of my crotch, thanks.

KaeLyn, Staff Writer, Coming Every Time

Having slept with straight men, I can confirm that the number of them who give a crap about whether their partner orgasms or not is about 10% and, like, that includes those who grudgingly agree when you muster up the courage to ask for it. I feel like the opposite stats are true for lesbian and queer women. 90% expect you to come, every time, because that’s the unwritten rule. I come. You come. We all come because we owe it to the Community.

It can be really hard for my partners to accept that sex and having an orgasm are different things for me. Sex in pursuit of an orgasm really isn’t the goal for me. It’s stressful. I feel like I have to perform. I know exactly how I like to be touched in order to have an orgasm and it involves specific things and specific positions and, most importantly, me being able to go into my own fantasy in my mind. I need to concentrate and be in my head space.

When I’m with a partner, though, I want to focus on being in the moment and what feels good and physically and emotionally connecting. Arousal sensations don’t always lead to an orgasm for me. Definitely not every time. Definitely not most of the time. Some people get really miffed about it and think it’s some reflection on them or their sexual prowess or whatever.

Look, I like to get off, but it doesn’t have to be during whatever sex we’re having. I can show you how I like it and we can do that after we’re done with the other stuff, but like…can we just have fun? Can you chill out? No one’s going to take about your dyke card because you can’t get me off exactly how you think you should be able to.

Archie, Cartoonist, Certain Language

I think a lot of folks make assumptions about the words we use during sex based purely on our gender, our sexuality, or presentation. One of the many things I’ve learned from sexting internet strangers is that you literally have to check in about the language a person uses for their own body cause you have no idea who they are or what they look like. In an ideal world, people ask me the same questions even though they know who I am and what I look like. I can NOT get into certain words being used for my body. For example I hate it when someone calls me “wet”, I hate my chest being called “breasts” or “boobs” or my binder to be referenced as a “bra” (ugh). I’d rather have someone huskily whisper to me “the internal walls of your vagina feels so good right now” than calling it a pussy (I mean, neither of these are ideal).

As best it means an awkward during-sex convo and at worst (and more often) it means totally dissociating and ruining the whole experience. I kinda think the conversation “what words do you like to be called” and “what kind of words do you like” should happen early on. If I haven’t checked in with what language a partner likes, my go-to is to just not reference it at all. It’s hot as fuck when partners initiate this conversation and just because you identify the same way as I do (fellow genderqueer folks) doesn’t mean you’re assuming anything right (you’re not).

Alyssa, Cartoonist, Making Love

Okay, so technically there are plenty of things I’m not particularly into when it comes to sex. I don’t really want anybody to pee on me, and I don’t give a fudge about group sex (body boundaries). But a thing I could NEVER get into?

(Hot take!) Over-romanticized sexy time.

Now. I love my partner. Like, I’m downright giddy just thinking about them — it’s annoying. But when we fuck, I could not be less interested in slow jams and tender touch. I don’t want romance and slow tantric moves. I want absurd amounts of laughter and filth. I feel the most in love and connected with my partner in the little things that we do. In the ways that we care for each other in our general lives — the ways our bodies fit when we sleep, or the ways we support each other through all the hard shit.

Sex (for me) isn’t a show of love, it’s just a really fun piece of our life together. The love is always there.

And while sex feels incredibly connected and close, it’s more the general feelings of knowing I am safe with them that makes it feel that way. So bring on the filth, and maybe bring me a glass of water when we’re done. That’s where it’s at.

Mey, Staff Writer, Floggers, Topping

I like being hit with things. I like being spanked. But floggers have never worked for me. I think part of it is that I don’t really think they look sexy? Like, they’re limp and they look like a white person’s dreads and a lot of people have them in bright colors. None of that turns me on. I’ve been hit with floggers from three different partners and each time I’ve thought “well, I wish they had hit me with something else.”

Honestly this was really hard for me to think of something. There are ones that wouldn’t seem like hot takes or anything, I don’t want to deal with poop or vomit or racism, but past that I’m pretty open to trying anything and most of what I’ve tried I like. But with floggers I just feel “meh.” It doesn’t really hurt very much, it doesn’t sting or leave bruises, it’s just there.

But really the thing I can’t get into is topping, or maybe more domming? I guess it’s like, emotionally topping or action topping. I don’t want to be in charge of what we’re doing. It doesn’t turn me on to be in charge or guide what who puts what where. I want you to tell me what’s happening and what I should do next and what you want me to do and what you want to do to me. Whatever you say, I’ll do it, but you’ve got to be clear about what that is. If I want to try something, I’ll ask, but I’m so not bossy. Please, just let me be a bottom.

Stef Schwartz, Vapid Fluff Editor, Also Having An Orgasm Every Time!!! We Have Fun!!!

Unfortunately, my orgasms exist in something of a Sword and the Stone situation. Sometimes someone I really care about can do everything completely perfectly and nothing happens (but I have a lovely time!) and sometimes someone comes along who barely looks at me and IT HAPPENS WITHOUT ANY EFFORT AT ALL. When I (often) run into the first situation, I usually brush it off with a self-deprecating joke about how they’re going to need some kind of treasure map to find the other half of an ancient golden amulet, and sometimes they laugh, and ideally they stop focusing so hard on the end result and just relax so we can both enjoy ourselves. Also if you are reading this and I have made this joke to you, I’m so sorry.

I used to blame it on an ex-girlfriend who I was pretty sure had cursed my vagina, but these days I’m more inclined to believe it’s something internal. I wish there was something psychological I could point to, I wish I could say it had to do with love or attraction or being comfortable but it’s truly none of those things (as far as I can figure); I have just been cursed with a really temperamental body. It’s OK! Bodies are weird! Also, I have a really good time getting my partner off and most of the time that’s generally more satisfying to me.

I’m an anxious person by nature, so once this issue comes up it can be tough for me to get into a headspace where I can take the pressure off myself and be in the moment. Wow, this is a lot more personal than I thought I’d get on a Monday! The least you could do is buy a girl dinner.

Tiara, Staff Writer, Humiliation and Impact Play

I consider myself some level kinky, but the stuff that passes for ‘typical kink’ does nothing for me. I didn’t find anything appealing about humiliating someone or being humiliated – I can see why people find it a turnon in either direction, but it just makes me feel bad and I have enough self-esteem issues as it is. I’ve tried various forms of impact play, mostly because I like to both try new things and be someone’s test bunny, but pain is just pain. The ‘thuddy’ sort of impact play can feel like a relaxing massage sometimes, and there was a point in time where I endured various kinds of flogging because I wanted to get used to the pain of getting a tattoo (I have since gotten said tattoo and the pain is different but I think the experience helped!!) but other then that? OWW and also MEH. My first domme was a sadist who I willingly submitted to because she looked like Joan Jett, but that wasn’t really enough to sustain being beaten up or snarled at for sexual purposes. I’d rather be someone’s art experiment or be the Artistic Director to my Production Manager, if you get my drift.

Alexis, Staff Writer, Eating Groceries, Also Humiliation

You know people say never say never, but I’d like to say hopefully always no times please, because I cannot see myself enjoying any parts of this act. I was trying to give it a second thought when Nicki Minaj rapped about it and it seems like 99% more popular than I remember a couple of years ago, but I’m gonna have to tap out on this one. To each their own, definitely, and I’m not against butt stuff in general, you want action back there via fingers, toys, etc.? I’m like 90% sure I can oblige BUT I cannot stick my tongue in your ass I’m so sorry. I can actually see my grandmother getting out of her grave just to come whoop my ass for eating your ass and I’m pretty sure that would ruin whatever vibe we had going on for this to even happen. So I’m saving us all really.

Once again, to each their own, but don’t bring humiliation anywhere near me. I can’t do it to you (I’ll cry) and I sure as hell don’t want you doing it to me. Got enough shit around that as it is.

Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya, Staff Writer, Sex Outside

One time I was having sex on a porch at like 3 in the morning and I was convinced that this person would not have led me to this porch if there was any chance that her roommates could walk in on us, but boy was I wrongo! Two or three of my friends TOTALLY SAW ME HAVING SEX ON THE PORCH AND THEN RAN AWAY. And when I found out (several months later!) I was mortified and am still mortified. At the time, they were VERY NEW FRIENDS. This was one of their FIRST IMPRESSIONS OF ME. THE PORCH SEX GIRL. Those friends are close pals now, and we can somewhat joke about it. Sort of! A part of me still dies every time! But yeah, I don’t like the idea of having sex outdoors unless maybe it’s in a tent in the middle of a deserted field and the nearest inhabited town is like 75 miles away. No thank you to beach sex, which sounds like a nightmare! Pool sex? I think the fuck NOT! Even if I had my own house with my own private outdoor pool, it would be a no for me. I’m all about having sex in places other than the bedroom, but the great outdoors just present way too much uncertainty.

Valerie Anne, Staff Writer, Choking

I’ll admit I haven’t done too many different sex things (yet?), but one thing I am not interested in ever trying is choking. I get that it’s a thing people are into, and to each their own, I’m 100% here for anyone doing anything consensual they want, but choking always seemed so violent to me – even more violent than spanking or whipping or anything – and the thought of it makes me very uncomfortable. I’ve never had anyone try it, or ask me to try it, but considering how fast I go from being turned on by something to needing to feeling physically repulsed and needing to turn it off immediately when someone’s hand goes around someone else’s throat, I don’t think it’s anything I’m going to give a whirl any time soon. I also think I’ll add Erin’s rule of not being mean to the list I present to whoever I have sex with next.

I also probably will never have sex in someone’s parents’ house while they’re home ever again because that shit is STRESSFUL.

Abeni, Staff Writer, Light BDSM

I was casually seeing a really gorgeous woman for a few weeks. The first time we had sex, she squirted all over the place! It was amazing. Apart from that, however, we didn’t have altogether wonderful sexual chemistry, and had terrible friendship chemistry. Our “dates” were basically just me coming over to her apartment, us smoking up, and watching a movie on Netflix. And then sex. We didn’t have much to talk about. It was definitely just a hookup situation. A friends with benefits, without really much friendship.

Somehow, in passing, I learned that she liked a little bit of “power play” or light BDSM. I’m always game to try something new, and I’d never done any choking or ass slappage or anything of the like, and generally I had a feeling I wouldn’t be into it – I can’t do anything even remotely resembling violence; it’s a huge turn off. But I was willing to give it a try.

I tried some slapping her butt and it wasn’t too bad. I pulled her hair a little bit, and it wasn’t too bad. I even put my hands on her throat! And it wasn’t too bad. But then she asked me to do it “harder.”

I pulled her hair a little harder, and she wanted more. But I couldn’t pull any harder without getting weirded out. I felt like I was hurting her! Her insistence that I wasn’t couldn’t overcome my fear and hesitation. She wanted me to choke her harder, but I couldn’t do it. Slap her harder, but I couldn’t. She asked me to slap her in the face – and I couldn’t even try to do that, it was too abhorrent to me.

It was a good experience because I realized 100% that BDSM/Power play was NOT for me! But I kind of fucked up because that was the last time we had sex. It was mostly circumstantial – I got busy, she got busy, we couldn’t coordinate, and the degree to which decent sex could help us overcome our obvious lack of relationship chemistry was waning anyway. I saw her a few weeks later at a party and we were cordial and it seemed like it was all good, but I’m always going to wonder if I hurt her feelings – she revealed a little bit of deeper intimacy and not only was I not into it but it seemed to scare me away. I hope she’s out there having great sex with someone who’s not too timid to choke and pull and slap her around like she wants!

Yvonne, Senior Editor, Penetrative Sex

I don’t know this for a fact but I think I have vaginismus?? Maybe, idk. Honestly I don’t feel ready to talk about this! Ok, bye!

Carmen, Staff Writer, Age Play/ Mommy Kinks

I was originally just going to say “Age Play” and leave it at that. Then I thought about it, and honestly I don’t have any problem calling someone “Daddy” in bed. I think, in certain circumstances, I could even find it hot? I also love me some “Mommis”— Bette Porter, Annalise Keating, bring it on. But actually calling someone “Mommy” (or “Mommi”) while we are fucking? HARD PASS.

I think it’s because I have such a close relationship with my actual mother, but the idea of calling out “Oooh Mommi, hit it harder” or “Yes Mommi, just like that!” makes me cringe so hard. You could see the level of my uncomfortability from space levels of cringing hard. We are going to have find another sex name for each other.

Related to that, I have no interest in pretending to be a “little girl” in my relationships. Don’t get me wrong, I love being cared for! But, I can do without the baby talk. As with all things, as long as we’re talking consensual role playing between adults, you do you— it’s just really not for me.

Laura M, Staff Writer, Role Playing

I am too self-conscious and also somehow find myself way too hilarious to get into role playing. I’m not saying “no” to this forever — it seems like other people enjoy this a lot! Sounds fun! I just haven’t had any success here, and if someone wants to try this with me, they’re going to have to put up with a lot of self-deprecating jokes and nervous laughter. Maybe not the sexiest thing ever, I don’t know, you tell me, I just can’t.

Reneice, Staff Writer, Sex with cis men

There are many sexual escapades that I can imagine I wouldn’t be super down for, but since I’m known to surprise myself and haven’t tried them I won’t make guesses about them here. The only type of sex I’ve had more than once and can definitively say I am not and would not ever ever be down for again is sex with cis men. The reasons are ample and not something I’d like to get into, I just know I would not fuck them here or there. I would not fuck them anywhere. I would not fuck another cis man. I do not like them, Sam-I-Am.

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